01x12 - Episode 12

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Mom. It's me. Trump. Trump.

Mr. Maxwell?What's this?This

ThisOh. Well, this would be

my mom, and this would be my dad, I mean

my dog, and this would be Uncle Joe.

Gosh, sir, you really like Uncle Joe, if

that was the question. The question is...

What am I doing sitting at Miss Ralston's

desk, sitting in her chair, breathing on

her phone?That's a start. It was Mr.

Kruger, sir. He said I could sit here.

Just temporarily, of course. If Miss

Ralston comes back, I'll probably... when

Miss Ralston comes back. Did I say yes?

Charlie, there was a letter here. I left

a letter right here. Yes, there was a

letter. it's in the desk now bottom

right with Miss Ralston's pencils and

some lipstick and um some personal items

I didn't get a chance to look at closely

but I think I know what they were

guarding the sweater with my life

unless of course you think we should just

rip it up sir I know Miss

Ralston had big shoes to fill but I swear

if you give me a chance I will do

everything in my power to be everything

to you that she was is did I say

was I meant is

My God, Nelson, there's nothing sacred.

Where's my tie clip?You couldn't even

wait till the body was cold?What body?And

somebody stole my damn tie clip. I'm

going to run a name by you. Judy Ralston,

attractive, buxom gal, smile on her face,

little bounce to her walk, making all

things right, kind of the the heartbeat

of this operation. Nah, Judy wouldn't

steal my tie clip. You gave away her

desk. I didn't give away anything. It's

still out there the last time I looked.

You think this tie's too yellow?You can't

do that, Nelson. You can't just pack up a

person's life and just dump it on the

pavement just cuz she stepped out for a

couple of minutes. What are you talking

about?Judy ain't coming back. Of course

she's coming back. That ain't what I

heard. I heard she's gone with the wave,

slow boat to Fiji, ran off with some test

pilot or something like that. Who told

you that?You told me that. So what?

Added to the fact that she hasn't shown

up for work in a week and a half, you

think this tie's too yellow?Nelson, we

don't know anything for sure. had a green

suit

Charlie give me that tie Nelson you're

all heart you know that we all miss her

slap I got a lot of things on my mind

today something's happening maybe

something big I got a call today from

Frisco ooh Frisco well now see you didn't

tell me that Frisco wow the

call was from Ernie Detweiler

editor-in-chief Sports Monthly yeah I

know who Detweiler is so sohe's

flying here today to have lunch with

me so you're having lunch that's right

act like it's nothing well it ain't

nothing to me I know what you're

saying that Weiler's a heavyweight so why

does he want to see me I was up all

night sawing beavers over there and then

it came to me there's only one reason

only one reason possible you know what I

think he's gonna offer you a job well I

have to admit the thought did occur to me

fantastic as it may beI mean, this isn't

a big operation, but the ledger isn't

exactly unknown, right?RightAnd my kid

met his kid at that survival thing up in

the mountains. Now that could mean

something, couldn't it?Good. And I read

where a lot of guys dropped dead in the

last couple of years on that magazine.

And I thought, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just

wait a minute. OK, pal?Look, he's not

going to offer you a job. What?

Nelson, look, I hate to be the one who

knocks the wind out of your sails, but

let's look at this thing objectively.

Here's a big time editor going cross

country. And he decides to take a gander

at how the little folks live. Get a sense

of the common man. So he just picks a

name out of a hat, drops in for a free

lunch, sits back, watches the rubes

kowtow to him, then jumps into his limo,

says thank you, so long, and that's it.

That's the way all of these guys are,

don't you know that?You really know

how to put the saltpeter in the beer,

don't you?Nelson, I would say the same

thing if you'd called me. Yeah, but he

didn't. called me

okay Nellie just don't expect too much

all right

oh you got the you got the good adhesive

for your choppers you don't want them

dropping into the mashed potatoes

uh Mr. Maxwell not now I think there's

something you should see in the paper

print my column upside down again no sir

this is in the real estate section I

often read it just for fun who doesn't

there's a house in it sirThe house in the

real estate section?Well, are you sure

about that, Charlie?Well, yes, sir.

Actually, there's lots of them. But this

one isn't one of them. This is your

house. Yes, sir. See,

there's a picture. Two bedrooms, Valley

Lane, for sale by owner.

And this is the workroom. Oh,

it's terrific, isn't it, honey?It's

pink. Well, we could always paint it,

couldn't we?Don't patronize me. I only

meant that he-- I will not tolerate your

condescension, Herman. Then there's the

patio.

Well, I wouldn't go out there, folks.

Who's that?There's a car buried in the

backyard. Don't pay any attention to him.

He's not real. He's just a ghost. Haunts

the premises searching for, um,

something. Did

she tell you about the rats in the cellar?

I didn't know there was a cellar look

neither did the rats that's why they live

in the kitchen along with the roaches and

the icebox cold ones deadly

real deadly I'm leaving honey we

like it we're really very interested

you exhaust me slap you

make my bone acheOh,

all you need is a little lineman. I

should rub it in for you. Aren't you

supposed to be at work?I was at work. I

read your little ad, house for sale by

owner. So I thought I'd just check it

out in as much as, um, I am the

owner. In spirit only.

The mortgage is in my name. It always

was. Impossible. I signed the deed. You

were unavailable that month. You asked me

to sign for you. I forgot.

Oh, Annie Maxwell, I can't believe you're

just stooped to some kind of legal

skullduggery like that, honey. I'm

surprised it took you this long to find

out. The ad was in your paper for the

last two weeks. You know, I don't get

this. Why now?Just some

things are getting better for us.

I need a place with more light.

The other night, that was nice.

Somewhere yard, a few trees.

Holding each other like that, all

entwined.

Maybe it should. We

could do that again sometime, like

maybe right now.

See this?

be pretty hard to miss. A friend of mine

gave it to me. Policeman.

I told him about this bad dream I've been

having. Dream, huh

I like dreams. Why don't you sit down on

that couch over there and tell me about

it. Well, I'm in bed,

alone, in the middle of the night. On

the outside, crows are devouring the

grass. crow yeah they eat the

grubs they tear up the grass

sounds like a fertilizer problem to me

only I can't move

says something is banging on the windows

insinuating itself crawling in the

walls setting fire to everything

then I wake up all's

well that is well right maybe cut down on

the anchovies a little bitthink I'm

crazy don't you no

yes

yeah you've never been real stable

so why don't uh why don't we put that

blaster down don't worry

it's not you in the dream

it's me banging to get outside

I need a change I can't live

in this place anymore probably right

Neighborhood's not what it used to be.

You belong on a beach, probably, a

little thatched top, buried in the

sand, carving coconuts.

I enjoyed the other night's love.

Really?You're so kind and

giving. Remind me of all those things you

are when you're not being a jerk.

Oh, shucks. You're a

remarkable guy. You're an original.

That's why I have to ask you a favor.

Anything. It's a big one.

Whatever, honey. Caviar, wine,

shirt off my back.

Don't come around here no more,

'Cause if you do, I'm

gonna have to k*ll you.

Hi. Hi

Judy. Judy.

Sailor home from the sea. Hunter

home from the hill.

Out. No, stay. Out.

You.

OK, y'all want some explanations and I

want them fast. Don't you mean?Gee, Jude,

it's wonderful to see you. How have you

been?What are you doing with that thing

on your finger?This?No, let's just keep

it out of sight for a while, all right?

Better yet, why don't I just lop off my

arm?And what am I supposed to be doing

now, throwing rice or tying shoes onto

your car?Gee, I thought maybe you'd be

happy for me. Well, you're out of your

mind.

Look, it's very obvious you're going

through some kind of emotional

experience. What the hell, let's call it

love. First it was that high school

reunion, then the trip, then a couple of

moonlit nights, but that doesn't mean you

have to get caught up with this guy,

honey. Neil. No names, okay?Sorry, my

fiancee. Slap,

we talked this all over that night two

weeks ago. I told you how I felt, you

said you understood. I do, I do

understand. Man, as a test pilot, that's

a very glamorous thing. I understand why

you want to go to the base with him for a

couple of days, but that doesn't mean you

have to. Actually, we never got to the

base. There was a little bed and

breakfast right there in town. Even a hot

tub. Romantic. You know what I mean?Is

that what you think marriage is?A dip in

a hot tub?Slap. I know what I'm doing.

You think you know what you're doing. You

just wait a few years. Wait till the

glamour wears off, till the old hot tub

dries up. The dress whites are put away

in the closet. You're standing out in

some field next to a wash line with pin

curlers in your hair, staring out at the

coyotes, bored to tears. I like doing the

wash. It's kind of sensual. Sitting in

front of a television set, darning his

socks, taking a little niff off the

bottle, waiting for him to stagger home

from the officers' club. He doesn't

drink. He doesn't smoke. He reads

everything he can get his hands on, and

he loves me. What does that mean?

What about you?What about your life?

You're a bright girl. You're on your way

up in the exciting world of journalism.

I may be a drudge right now, but I

mean, miracles can happen. That's what he

said. That's why we're not getting

married. Wait a minute. Not right away.

Neil doesn't want me to be an Air Force

wife. He He thinks it's important that I

find something for myself, something I

can believe in, something I can do,

something I can take pride in. He wants

me to be all that I can

be. Wait a minute, he said this to you?

He?All that you can be?Quite a guy, huh

Honey, this man is a moron. He wants

what's best for me. What do you think I

want?Who do you think was protecting your

desk when you were out there waltzing

around in that whirlpool?Yeah, well,

thanks for that, I guess.

All right, sure. Anything else I can do

to help?You really mean it?

Because there is something. Sure, you're

not married yet. You name it. I mean,

wine, caviar. You want to use my house?

You want my house. Can you teach me how

to be a writer?

Oh yeah?Prove. Don't have to prove it.

It's obvious. Where'd you learn your

hockey?She wanna?You want a

coffee at the table?Getting a little

crowded up here on the bridge. Why do you

populate this joint with ignorami?Well,

that's what you're saying. These ignorami

pay $3.95 for a 30-cent hamburger.

My kind of people. Speaking of which...

Yeah, yeahIs it my imagination or are you

doing more than your usual share of bear

baiting tonight?No more than usual, no. I

thought there's something on your mind.

No, nothing. Mine's a blank. That's when

you would not believe what I've been

through today. You mean, what, with Annie

selling the house and all?Annie is

selling the house. I hear Judy's back in

town throwing a diamond. Judy comes back

into town wearing an engagement ring. I

hear she wants to be a writer. But now

get this, now she wants me to teach her

how to write. Where is the world?Hectic

times. Whatever

happened to beer?Beer used to be

beer. There's no light beer.

Remember when you could buy a car for

$3,000, drive it 50,000 miles

without even changing the clutch?



league, each one exactly where it ought

to be, in a town where you could find it,

year in and year out. Oh

boy, things are changing, huh

People moving around all the time. Does

anybody stay in one place anymore?And

then, of course, there's Nelson.

Been sitting there quite a while nursing

that one crew. You know what maybe you

should put a burger on for him I think

he's gonna need it.

I'll pay.

You in town Sailor?Well

how'd it go?Good

while at lunch. Clams were fine.

Steak was raw. ButHe said it's supposed

to be. There you go, it's New Del

cuisine. They spilled hollandaise sauce

on the tie. Lucky it wasn't yours. I

think I made a colossal a*s of myself.

Well, knives and forks, tricky business.

I've been sitting here for a while, you

know, kind of rummaging through the

lumber, sorting the hardware. Mm-hmmThis

morning I was really fly and slept. On my

way out of here, ready to pack the

blankets. That was something I hadn't

felt in a long time. Guess I

always thought I'd go down with the goats

once the ledger went under. So what are

you doing?Flying, packing, or herding

goats?Detweiler didn't offer me a job.

When I asked him, he looked surprised.

The fact is, he never had it on his

mind. Well,

I'm sorry. He was only here for the

steak tartare. Plus, he

asked me to deliver a message.

Sports Monthly is a hell of a magazine.

It's okay. Slick, glossy. You

know, some people say it's the most

influential sports journal published in

these United States. Now, well, what do

they know?Well, that's what I say. Still,

maybe you've seen that edition they put

out once a year in the slack month

between the Super Bowl and the bathing

suit issue. Of course, nobody reads it.

Only 10 or 15 million people. And

they pick out some guy, some sports

writer, and they do a featureI mean, they

usually pick a guy from a major paper,

some big name writer, but not

always. They run a collection of his

columns, you know, say some things about

him, point out how he's brought credit to

the profession, respected by his peers,

meaningless blather like that. They call

it the Career Achievement Award.

Well, I mean, you and I know they don't

know what they're doing, but hell,

sells a lot of magazines, don't it?

Maybe. Sells a lot of newspapers, too.

Maybe ours.

Advance copy. Due out next month.

Cheeseburgers up. Umm

Hey, Flap! We're going down to Beal to

steal some cats. Wanna come?Oh,

why not, chicken?He's

chicken! Slap, honey?Jesus, it's the

old lady! What are you doing?Well,

that's fine, but wouldn't you rather be

out playing with your friends?

Honey, Slap's writing. Again.

Writing?About what?Kid sits here all day,

he's gonna grow up to be some kind of

p*nsy. Let me see this. It's like

I've figured, he can't even write his own

name. Stan. I'm going bowling, Alma.

Don't wait up. Tell that kid of yours,

you better start thinking about getting

some grit, for God's sake.

Oh, well.

Manny?

Ben?Oh, boy.

I rang a bell. I didn't hear anybody

inside, so I just, uh.. Do

you feel all right, honey?It's

about two o'clock now. Why aren't

you sleeping?I've been expecting you.

Something's happened, Annie. Something

big. I know.

Annie, I've been

thinking real hard all day long.

Even before I found out... Well,

before that. Ah

And I've been thinking

how it was with us, you know

We've always been a part of each other's

lives. And I

know that I wouldn't have gotten as far

as I did without you.

And I'm beginning to realize that now.

And... I guess what I'm

trying to say is...

Manny,

Talk, slap.

Talk. OK.

Ok, I'll talk. I was just

trying to say that even though we're not

even divorced, I wondered how you would

feel about our getting married

again.

Holy cow.