01x13 - Episode 13

[bunniefuu]

Talk slow. Just get

serious, okay?You're not, uh.. You

wouldn't... You

wouldn't...

Danny! You wouldn't... You wouldn't...

Maybe you would. You would. I'm convinced

you would. From the bottom of my heart...

I'm convinced you would, honey. I know

you're upset, I can tell that. And

probably I would be upset too if someone

broke into my house at this hour. But

let's let's consider why I did it, all

right?I did it to ask you to marry... to

renew the old vows. You don't want to

blow anybody to smithereens over

something like that. Besides that,

good news. I'm on the cover of a

magazine, my picture, honey. They're

going to do a story on me, a whole

article on me and my work. My

God, in here. Life is worth living now.

So why don't you put the year down and

we'll talk, okay?That's the

spirit. Now then.

Let's see if we can't pick a date that's

good for you for us to get married, okay?

Two weeks from today. All right, let's

just say... let's say two weeks

from today, then that would be

the... last Friday. Friday the 13th.

All right, uh.. Friday the 13th

she is.

Four black and two without...

No, it's three black, two with sugar,

two... Go later. What's What's going on?

Coffee, sir, and plenty of it. No, no, I

mean, somebody die?Nelson running another

one of his fundraisers?What?You don't

have any Sweet'N Low on your desk, do

you, sir?Where are all these these memos?

Oh, now look, I'm out of cream. What am I

gonna do now?Well, I'll tell you, I'm

gonna ask you one more time, and then I'm

gonna start pulling your fingernails,

understand?And what's the story?

well I thought you knew sir I'm gonna

start with your thumbs you're the story

in the magazine it came out today all

over the country and ever since then the

phones have been ringing and people have

been leaving messages for you and Mr.

Kruger says it's a red letter day for the

ledger and I've been going like 60

getting coffee kidding okay I could

my office isn't it

amazing all this and you're getting

married on the very same day where's Judy

I don't know she was here then she left

Well, maybe she went shopping for your

wedding present.

Rain master?Hey, the slapper, come on in.

Look, I sent the legal boys down to the

files. Come on, get over here. Sit in my

chair. Here you go, attaboy. And look

what they found.

No kidding. What is it?Don't play

ducks with me. You know what it is. It's

your contract. It makes you exclusive to

this newspaper. It's ten years old,

but... Tight as a button. Solid as steel.

All you have to do is sign it. Whoa,

whoa, whoa. Go ahead, sign it. Wait a

minute, you've been playing in the kitty

litter again?HuhYour eyes are all bugged

out, your teeth are clattering like an

old xylophone. What's eating you, pal?

This. This is what's been eating me. And

that. Phone's been ringing off the

ceiling since 7 o'clock this morning,

ever since that edition came out with

your bean on it on the east coast. This

is big slap. Bigger than we figured. In

every newsstand in America, in every

street corner, every mom-and-pop

drugstore, people are buying and reading

about you. And they're interested. It's

amazing. Stupefying. And where have you

been?Home, motel, getting ready for a

wedding. Oh, yeah?Is that today?Tonight.

I'll be there. Appreciate it. Now, sorry.

Wait, wait, wait, just slow down, will

you?You want me to beg?I'll beg. Look,

you don't have to do it for me. Do it for

the paper, our paper. Here

comes the dawn. Look. Let's just say, for

the sake of argument, that you're the

biggest thing to come down the pike since

Wrong Way Corridor. Mm-hmmYou know what

that could do for the ledger?It could

just save this old rag.

Unless I decide to walk, right?That's

what you're afraid of. You're afraid I'm

gonna go Hollywood on you, right?Fast

cars, fancy women, beluga for breakfast.

I can handle it, pal. Beluga. I've seen

it. It ain't a pretty sight. I can handle

it. I know you can handle it. Now,

science. Okay, Nelson.

What do I get if I sign?What do you want?

I want my car waxed. Painted, green, and

a set of new tires. Okay. And a new

jacket. Designer label. Tie to match, you

got it. How about Tahiti?Trip for two,

first class, round trip. Little cabana on

the beach. What are you trying to do,

break us?And your glass... No, never mind

your glass. It's all fogged up anyway.

Okay, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna

catch a limo. Sit by my cool and iron a

shirt. Take the rest of the day off.

Thanks, pal. Oh, and slap. Remember,

your writing may belong to the ages, but

your a*s belongs to the ledger.

Poetry, Nelson. Sheer poetry.

It's problematical, all right. Tricky,

elusive. Amen to that. Boys and

philosophers, they never figured it out.

Andy Warhol says we're all going to have

it for 15 minutes. What'd Andy Warhol

know about getting married?HmmAin't that

what we're talking about, getting married?

No, we're talking about being famous.

Well, see, I was talking about getting

married. You are still getting married, I

assume. I am indeed. Well, hear it.

Annie's a good woman. Annie's the best.

No, see, there, that's all that counts.

As for the rest of it. This the dog and

pony show, that's what you're going to

say, right?Not exactly. Nothing

wrong with a little publicity Depends on

what you do with them. Yeah, you know

don't get me wrong I mean, I'm I'm

flattered and all that but this career

achievement award I mean, what are they

really saying to me?End of career

out to pastures. That's all he wrote Now

what am I supposed to do for an encore

wander around waving that magazine?

Talking about who I used to be telling

tall tales of past glory like some

landlocked sailor. You funny guy

slapOne minute is this, next minute that.

One day you're flying high, next day

you're on a bus leaving town. No, no, not

anymore. I'm planning. I mean, this is

this is where I make my stand.

I'll tell you this. The real Slap Maxwell

story has not been written yet. I'll tell

you one. Excuse me, Mr. Maxwell. Good

job. Oh, yeah, sure.

See there, that's not so bad. Maybe

I should name a cheeseburger after you.

Nice to fame, huhsay what is it you do

anyway

yeah yeah I told you I'd be out by four

Flap Flap open up it's me

hey I was I was just standing around in

your shorts well something like that yeah

cutevalentine's gift

mind if I come in you can

put your pants on if you'll be more

comfortable thanks

I missed you at the office this morning

yeah I was just there a little while big

doings huh I looked for you Judy

I couldn't take it there couldn't get

into it I had other things on my mind you

know yeah things like the fact that

you and I have hardly spoken a word to

each other in the last two weeksThings

like how much I miss our times together

even though they were never much of

anything to brag about And now

here I am engaged to be married

And your wedding's in just a few hours

Doesn't that strike you as kind of funny?

I don't know Funny's a funny word

Laurel and Hardy were funny Abbott,

Costello and funny sometimes

First season of cheers It's also a

colossal mistake

Judy Hear me out I've thought it

over and I realized just how wrong this

whole thing is Not really For me, I

mean Neil's a

wonderful guy I guess you'd have to

say he's perfect in every way

Kind and loving

He wants the best for me, nothing but the

best He offers me stability and

warmthand of course he's handsome

and I get the picture but I'm not

sure slap I'm

just not sure if I'm ready to settle down

with somebody who's that Flawless I

guess that's what I'm saying

So you came here

Maybe I'm looking for some kind of signWe

don't need a sign every once in a while,

don't we?

Wouldn't have to be a big one. Not

a bad.

Glimmer in the eyes. A

simple yes or no. Just

something to go on.

Well, I guess that's that.

You know, I have a feeling I'm going to

want to thank you for this

the next time I see you.

Wedding present.

Wow. Nice stems. Mom

borrowed these from her next-door

neighbor. Whatever happened to the

crystal I gave you the first time you got

married?Breakage. Mom and pop were

always heaving the wine glasses. Oh, I

mean like tossing them in the fireplace.

We didn't have a fireplace, then.

No, it's mostly the walls and the ceiling

and the backyard. After that was paper

cups all the way. Elliot, honey, would

you go in the kitchen and get another

vase?Sure, ma'am.

Lucky nobody got hurt. Here

we are at the altar once again.

Everything is beautiful. And that dress,

jeez. You like it?I love it.

So will Slap. I think he's going to show.

Sorry. Everything is going to be fine,

Annie. Maybe that's what I'm being

nervous about. You know, it took me three

hours to put this dress on. I kept

staring in the mirror thinking about how

I used to hate the way Slap dumbs his

coffee grinds and the sinks. I used to do

that. Maybe that's why I asked him to

stay at the motel till the last minute.

Because he was a slob?No, so we could

both be sure. You two belong together,

like liver and bacon. Or nitro and

glycerin. Oh well.

After today, it'll be decided.

So he won't. Where do you want this, mom?

Oh, um.. find your favorite b*llet hole.

He's coming, I promise you. I talk to

him. He's a happy man. Everything is

gonna be fine. Nothing is gonna keep him

from being here today.

Afternoon. Hi. Got a

little problem here. Think you can fix it?

Well, all depends. You in a hurry?Yeah,

I'm on my way to get married. Little too

old for that, ain't you?You think

you can fix it or not?Well, me, I just

mainly pump gas. My son could fix it

though. He does all the mechanical work.

He owns this place. Can I talk to him?

Well, he ain't here. Took off in the

wrecker. Probably some fool ran out of

gas someplace. You know how people are

these days. Tell you what,

Benzon, you're in such a hurry to go get

married. Maybe I should just look here

and check. Yeah, would you?Had a

little experience with old buckets like

this. Yeah. Spent 40 years in the

Navy motor pool. Is that right?The old

Navy. Yeah. You got a payphone inside?

Yes, right inside the office. My

grandson will show you where it is.

He's a criminy. Telephone,

son?

Do you have any change on you by any

chance?No quarters automated.

Don't tell me it's dead again. It's dead

again. Seems like nothing ever works

anymore, does it, Alan?Think I found the

problem mode of your car. Oh, good.

Busted radiator hose. It won't take long

to get you all fixed up. Oh, great,

great. I'll tell you what. Why don't you

just relax, take a seat over there by my

grandson. Tommy,

slide on down, will you?Real

fisherman. Yeah. Supposed to go out with

his dad this morning, but he had to

go with the record. That sort of ruined

Tommy's plans. So why don't you try to

cheer him up?Well, wait a minute. Isn't

that more or less your job?

You're going to fix the car?Oh,

yeah.

Well, this is your

dad's place, huh

Nice place.

All my place. You don't find

them like this much anymore.

You ever hear of a magazine called the

Sports Monthly?No?

Nice rod. Can I

see it?Thanks.

Oh, yeah. Yeah I

used to do a lot of fishing years ago.

My son, he's about your age. Of

course, he's a big boy now.

We used to go down this path, this

winding path. It was all

covered over with thistles. And it

went on down to this pond that was just

brimming with bluegills. It was, I mean

it was really something. A sacred place?

Yeah, yeahNobody knew but

us. I got a place too.

Yeah, yeah

You ever hear of a baseball player named

Ted Williams?

Well, he happens to be aA great fisherman

also. And there's a story

around that says that he once caught a

bonefish that weighed 30 pounds.

In Boca Raton, that's off the coast of

Florida. And the way they tell it,

it was... Oh, it was a heck of a battle.

But Ted Williams is this...

fierce competitor. I

don't get it. I phoned the motel. He's

checked out. Where is he?Maybe he's

having car trouble. Yeah, that's it. Car

trouble. Have a canopy, Uncle Nelson. Huh

Cheese and crackers. Oh, yeah, I knew

that. It's a big day for Pop, isn't it?

The magazine and all. I told him, Slap?

I said, Things are gonna be different

now. Bet he hated that.

All the fuss, the pressure. Pop's never

liked that kind of thing. Are you kidding?

This is what he always wanted. This is a

dream come true. Maybe

that's why he's not here.

There you go. All set?Yep. Filled up your

tank too while I was at it. It was

getting mighty low. Oh good, thank you

very much. How much do you?Oh, you don't

owe me, nothing. We worked a little swap

in there. It was pretty good, you know.

Oh yeah, well, yeah, he's he's quite a

kid. Well, thank you,

thank you very much. You know,He

reminds me of me about 60 years ago.

Yeah. Impatience, you knowAlways

chomping at the bit. Yeah. Chasing his

dreams, following his heart's desire.

Nothing like me and you. Excuse me?

Oh, there, I was just rattling off. No,

no, you said something about you and me?

Well, nothing really, I guess.

Well, you know, we're a little older

and... we got our feet on the ground we

got responsibilities we don't go

gallivanting around every time the earth

comes up all our good times I guess

are behind us not that we ain't had them

they're kind of like a a scrapbook you

bring them out every once in a while and

you look at them nothing wrong with that

fellow did I mention I'd been in the Navy

yeah I've had my times plenty

of them I was shipwrecked in the

Dardanelles I saw theThe

skies dance over the Arctic Circle.

I've watched a mountain of fire raise

right out of the Pacific Ocean. You know,

once in Zanzibar, I saw a man swallow a

monkey. Take this. He didn't?What?What is

it, 20 or 30 dollars?Just take it, okay?

Ohh No, really, mister. Take it.

I thought you and me... No, Popeye, not

you and me. Don't include me in your

club. You see this face?You know who I am?

Gene Hackman. Slap

Maxwell, sports writer of the year.

He's crazy.

Charlie! I didn't mean to. Somebody get a

broom.

You okay, Mom?Yeah,

just looking at the backyard. Gonna miss

it, I think. A lot of nice memories.

Remember that tree house Bob built for me

out there?Didn't build you a tree house.

No, but he bought a ladder. I

used to love it. Especially at night.

Walking under the stars, listening

through your window. Hearing your father

tell you bedtime stories just as Dawn was

coming up. remember those

stories. I remember the one where he went

five for five off Harry the Cat breaking

in the spring training game, including

three homers. And the Cardinals asked him

to stay for the regular season, but he

couldn't because he had to go back and

finish elementary school. Yeah, that was

a good one. Do you remember that other

one?About the boy in the tattered coat

who one day found a wish at the bottom of

his pocket and couldn't decide what to

wish for?Food, friends,

gold. And Andy left it there in his

pocket. To hold on to forever and ever.

It wasn't what the wish could bring. But

the having of the wish that was his true

heart's desire.

I guess we should go inside. Don't keep

them waiting anymore, huh

This is big, Slap. Bigger than we think.

We don't need a

sign every once in a while, don't

we?Impatience, you know. Always chomping

at the bit, chasing his dreams.

Remember, Slap. Your writing may belong

to the ages, but your a*s belongs to the

legend. I'll tell you this,

the real Slapmaximo story has not been

written yet.

A toast. Friends,

family, to life,

and to the boy in the padded coat.

God bless us, everyone.