Run!
Let me in the house.
- Did you have to push?
- Get out of the way!
Shut the door!
What the hell is
going on in America?
Oh,
I think I have a damn good idea.
God damn them!
Cannot believe this, Evo!
But why would
they slash our tires?
We have, my friend, unleashed
the proverbial mad dogs of w*r.
My heart is
just ready to sing.
I've gotta calm down.
- Is the door locked?
- -They won't break in here.
Lock the bloody door!
- It's locked.
- Oh!
I, I think I'm gonna have
a heart attack.
But can you believe, our car?
I can believe my eyes.
First, the dog attacks us
this morning,
then the dog warden
never shows up,
then the telephone goes dead,
then a rock comes crashing in,
then our car is vandalized,
and now our neighbors
have declared w*r!
But what about the tires?
Are they ruined?
They probably only let
the air out, nothing more.
Uh, did you look?
What do you mean, did I look?
I was busy running back
alongside you.
Did you look?
Furthermore, you left
the cell phone in the car!
What are we gonna do, Darm?
- Think.
- You'd better think fast.
-Maybe we should leave here
immediately, and--
-And what?
-Walk to the village.
-It's two miles!
I don't think we have a choice.
I have plenty of choices.
I'm staying.
-And what?
-Well, go to bed
and wait till morning.
-You'll never sleep!
-Well, in the morning,
it'll all be over.
It'll be a lot less scary
in the daylight.
But why on earth
would they do that to our tires?
-I guess these people
are really mad.
-Him! You mean him!
Yes, him!
That b*stard dog owner.
Well, do you think
there are others?
All the air was
let out of four tires.
Well, one person
could do four tires.
It doesn't take four people
to let the air out
of four tires.
I wonder whether or not
they slashed them.
Probably not.
Slashing would get them
into real trouble.
Who are you kidding, Darm?
What real trouble?
We have no idea who they are,
and how do you prove
someone slashed
your steel-belted radials?
I don't think they looked
as though they had been slashed,
only flattened.
Well, what about
the rest of the car?
What else did they do to it?
Put sugar in the gas tank?
Ruin the motor? God damn them!
-Calm down, Evo.
-Are you afraid he can hear me?
Oh, God damn you,
Mr. Whoever-the-hell-you-are!
- God damn you
and your stupid dog!
Evo, stop swearing.
Something has to be done.
I'm still waiting, for what?
I think
we should be very careful
about what we do next.
Oh, I'm glad to see
now you're really scared,
not just a little bit scared.
This is frightening, Darm!
I'm frightened, Evo. Happy?
But why would they
slash our tires?
I'm afraid we've broken
some local taboo.
Like, be different.
I suspect it's verboten
to be strangers around here...
to be outsiders.
- To take walks?
- Yes!
Probably even to take walks
is forbidden around this joint.
I wish Blanca had warned us what
the so-called Paradise was like.
She only wanted to rent.
But what a bunch of Nazis!
Imagine.
To ruin our tires too!
-We can always put back the air.
-If the air was
all that was taken out.
What about the engine?
They probably tore out
the spark plugs.
Did you look?
Did you?
Well, don't you think
we should go out and look?
Tonight? I don't think
we should go look.
If I go out that door tonight,
it's to run all the way
into the village.
Down past that German shepherd?
I didn't say I was
going to run to the village.
Well, I'm not, I know that much.
And... where's
that greasy dog warden?
-I told you he wouldn't show up.
-But he told me he would!
So much for the word
of gas station attendants
who moonlight as dog wardens.
I'll never buy Mobil again.
What are we gonna do, Evo?
You're the one
who's supposed to be thinking!
Any ideas?
I wanna go m*rder the creep.
-How?
-Well, I'll think of a way.
But to slash our all-weather
Michelins, I'm furious!
We don't even have anything
to protect ourselves with.
Well, of course
we don't have g*ns and things.
Nobody has g*ns and things.
All we have...
probably are knives,
but of course
it won't go that far.
I mean, what in the world
does this lunatic want?
What did his dog want?
To k*ll us. You're right.
-Shall I go get the knives?
-Don't be silly.
Well...
...at least the lights
are still on, but...
...I guess I should mention
the electricity,
because that's the next utility
that'll probably go.
I hope the b*stard
electrocutes himself.
You don't really think
he'll go so far as to cut
the wires, do you?
Whoever thought he'd let
the air out of the tires?
I hope he got a shot of ozone
in the eye, the klutz.
W-- maybe we should just
go out there and confront him
and tell him if he doesn't stop
this nonsense, he's gonna be
in big trouble.
I'm not sure
this type cares
whether or not he gets
into "big trouble."
I mean, did Hitler care
whether or not
he got into big trouble
because he m*rder*d millions?
America is different.
Oh, don't be too sure
about the distinction.
What if Hitler
hadn't become Der Fhrer?
He probably would've ended up
in some small Bavarian village,
letting the air out
of people's Volkswagens
and owning a German shepherd
named Blondie.
Darm, are you taking this
seriously or not?
It's my way of thinking.
Making a joke out of adversity.
I'm scared, Darm.
Well, I'm here to protect you.
Stop joking, will you?
That was a cruel joke.
But the joke,
I'm afraid, is on me.
Should I take the joke further
and ask whether or not
you were gonna protect me?
You're on your own, Darmy.
Well, I say
we should just calm down and...
...try and watch television
or read or something.
How can we do anything
while having a heart attack?
-Has it slowed down?
-Barely.
-Maybe a glass of wine.
-Oh, no.
I want full control
of my faculties and my legs
in case we have
to make a run for it.
Well, you seem calmer.
I don't seem
anything of the sort!
I seem terrified
because I am terrified.
And you're not helping
my pulse rate.
-Well, what should I do?
-Think!
Well, the result
of all my thinking is this.
I don't know what the hell
we can really do about it!
Not tonight!
Except hope the thug goes home
-and takes his dog
with him, and--
-You don't think
he did something, like,
do something
to the dog warden, do you?
I, I mean,
the dog warden never showed up.
What could he have done
to the dog warden?
Well, something like
what he did to the tires.
Let his air out?
That is another
cruel joke, Darm,
but... yes,
something like harm him.
People don't harm
dog wardens, Evo.
Dogs harm dog wardens.
Dog owners harm dog wardens too.
Maybe the mace didn't work.
Evo, if anything,
the dog warden is in cahoots
with the dog owner out there.
If anything,
there's been a payoff.
If anything, they're both
members of the same local pub
and are both seeking
revenge against us!
-Why, for heaven's sake?
-Because we're strangers!
Would you stop saying
we're strangers?
Well, I hate to tell you this,
Evo, but we are strangers.
We're not local, and that's
plenty strange enough for them.
But to terrorize us as though
we don't belong in Paradise?
Tonight is merely an extension
of the dog this morning.
This terror is more intimidation
of the very same sort.
So where
did your thinking lead you?
Well...
...I say there's nothing
we can really do tonight.
Making a run for it is out.
It wouldn't work.
And who wants
to come face to face
with any of them in the dark?
Can't imagine they'd do
anything as silly as break in
or anything like that, so...
...the only thing I can think of
is to act normally.
Watch TV. I'll read.
You can have a bowl
of chocolate almond
frozen yogurt.
Don't you want a bowl?
I don't think I could face
a bowl of chocolate almond
in these particular
circumstances.
And I suppose I could?
You could eat chocolate almond
in a house fire.
Darm, your suggestion is
really no suggestion at all!
Can you think of a better one?
-No. Actually, I can't.
-All right.
I guess now that my heart
has slowed down, we can just...
...turn on the TV
and I'll dish up
some frozen yogurt.
Uh, are you sure
you don't want a scoop?
Evo, please don't ask me again.
No, I don't want
a scoop of frozen yogurt.
It might look good to them
if they saw you eating
some ice cream.
Frozen yogurt is not ice cream.
Oh, for pity's sake!
You say the stupidest things
whenever anything is serious,
and this is serious, Darm.
Do you want a scoop or not?
No. But thank you.
You're welcome.
But I still say have some.
It might look as though
we're still gonna lead
our normal lives
- to anyone out there
in the dark.
Maybe they've gone home.
Oh, no, they're
out there, all right?
This is their reward.
To watch us terrorized,
to see us try to eat
our dessert and try to enjoy it.
That's the fun those types get,
like... when he watched us
walking up that hill
with that damn German shepherd
circling us and terrorizing us,
and then finally trying
to bite me to death.
That's the thrill he gets,
that little local lowlife.
Like Hitler watched the film
of those poor plotters
who tried to k*ll him,
and then he had them
strung up with piano wire.
You're right.
He is that type,
that dirty little n*zi pig.
He'd probably k*ll his dog
for not biting us to death.
I mean, didn't Hitler k*ll
Blondi with cyanide capsules?
I think we should get
a rebate on our rent
for this little episode.
Are you making another joke
or are you serious?
Well, actually, I am gonna
complain like hell to Blanca
for not warning us
about her warlike neighbors,
for letting us take a walk
when there's a murderous
German shepherd
in the neighborhood.
For not telling us more
about this uncivilized village!
So you don't think
any of this could be...
...coincidental, do you?
The dog warden not showing up,
the telephone not working,
a rock crashing in,
four tires all losing their air
within the same few minutes?
No, I don't think
it's coincidental.
-And neither do you.
-Of course I don't.
But... I guess when you're
frightened, it helps to talk.
Are you gonna go scoop up
your frozen yogurt or not?
Come to the kitchen with me.
Maybe if you went
in there alone,
he'd see that we're not afraid
to do things separately.
But we are afraid
to do things separately.
Are you saying that you wanna
stay in here by yourself
while I go in there
and dish it up?
You're right.
Let's both stay in here.
And to hell
with chocolate almond
frozen yogurt.
But-- damn them! What did we do
to deserve a civil w*r?
Be alive, I guess.
I guess just being alive
and who we are
is enough for them
to hate our right to exist.
Human being is a pretty
frightening beast, isn't he?
Well, it could be worse.
-Things are pretty bad, Evo.
-But they could be worse.
Well, if you think like that,
they will get worse.
Oh, I thought you had
gotten over
all of your superstitions.
I still say it doesn't hurt
to think positively.
How the hell
can anyone be positive
-in a situation like this?
-Oh, Christ, Evo!
Just go in there and get
your dessert, will you?
I'll be trotting right behind.
I really would like to see
that guy dead, wouldn't you?
Well, maybe that would put us
in the same category
as he is in,
but... yes, right about now,
I would love to see him bloodied
all over that lawn out there.
I'm not gonna let him
intimidate me.
I'm gonna enjoy my frozen yogurt
and then watch television.
I think Golden Days
is on tonight.
And I think I'll read
The New American Civil w*r.
Oh. Watch Golden Days
with me, Darm.
I like it when you watch
Golden Days with me, it's fun.
Okay, but just don't laugh
at everything they say.
I really could k*ll that guy
for frightening us to death.
You may still have
the opportunity, Evo.
You may still get
your golden opportunity
to see him strung up
from that tree out there.
Shall I find out
what kind of knives we have?
An inventory
is probably a good idea,
knowing the human animal
for the warmonger he is.
What channel is Golden Days on?
We'll find it, Evo.
Every week you ask which channel
Golden Days is on,
but we always find
Channel 4, don't we?
Oh, this will be fun!
Frozen yogurt. Golden Days.
And a m*rder*r
out on the front lawn.
Jesus, how do we always get
into situations like this?
It's the way you walk.
The way I what?
Walk.
It's furtive.
And I suppose
the way you walk is any better?
Maybe it's the way
we both move our legs.
Can we help the way we hoof it?
Maybe at some point
in our lives, we could have,
but it's too late now to change
our mode of locomotion.
So I say screw 'em all!
Well...
let's try not to worry
about any of this
until the morning.
Pray to God
the electricity stays on.
I asked you
not to mention the utilities.
-Superstitious, are we?
-No, not superstitious.
Well... maybe just a wee bit.
- Are you sure you don't want
some dessert?
Okay, just a soupon,
if that'll make you happy.
But don't give me one
of those funny spoons.
A dessert spoon?
I want a regular American spoon,
God damn it.
Not one of Blanca's
funny English spoons.
-Can I use the utensils I want?
-Okay! Okay.
I won't argue
with a poet in a w*r zone.
Well, in that case,
I really don't want
any chocolate almond
frozen yogurt,
so kindly don't ask me again.
- What's that?
- Well, what the hell
do you think it is?
I'm gonna run to the village!
Wait! Evo! Wait! Where are you?
Stop! Evo?
Oh. Uh, I'm down here.
Why didn't you answer me
the first time?
-W-- would you be quiet?
-I-- I'm gonna grab the lantern.
Oh--
Here I am.
Now be still!
Why do I have to keep
my mouth shut?
-Can you see me now?
-W-- yes! Barely,
but why do I have
to remain silent?
I heard someone
outside that window.
-Oh, you did not!
-Could you keep your voice down?
-Someone's outside!
-I'm leaving.
What? Now?
Don't be ridiculous!
This is very serious, Evo.
Someone is
slightly nuts around here,
and I'm not gonna
wait around to find out who.
I'm not going anywhere.
You don't mean to say
you're gonna stay crouched
behind that TV set?
You're right. Someone is nuts.
I'm not gonna leave!
At least inside,
the door's locked.
Maybe the blackout
was a power failure.
Are you crazy?
I heard someone!
w*r is too dangerous
to be hearing things.
I heard someone
outside those windows!
Do you think somebody
purposefully cut
the electricity?
Of course! Of course!
-You still hear him?
-Of course I hear him.
You'd hear him too if I had.
So you're not coming with me?
Don't leave, Darm.
I'm petrified!
I can barely see you!
Oh, what is going on
in the US of A?
Well, now at least
he can't see us.
I'd rather have light.
Let him see us.
Pitch black is worse.
What do you suppose he wants?
What he wants he's done!
We're thoroughly terrorized,
the filthy b*stard.
But we can't stay here
like this. We have to go!
W-- we'll walk very quickly.
Just stay right with me.
Give me your hand.
-No, no!
-We have to leave, Evo!
We cannot stay inside
with a madman out there.
Why is he doing this?
We apparently upset his dog!
Don't go out that door!
We cannot stay trapped, Evo.
Caged inside is worse,
cooped up is more dangerous.
Who knows
what he has planned next?
Maybe cooped is all.
But there's been
something else all night.
First, no dog warden,
no telephone, a broken window,
four slashed tires,
no electricity,
and now an expanding civil w*r!
Everything will spoil
in the fridge.
We can always buy
more frozen yogurt.
Okay. Maybe I'll go.
But only if you're
completely sure
it's a good idea.
Well, I haven't thought it
completely through,
if that's what you mean.
But my instincts,
which are those of a cowardly
crossword champion,
tell me to get the hell out
of this eight-letter word.
What do your instincts tell you?
My instincts tell me
to stay frozen in fear.
Are you?
Yes.
-Can't you move?
-Well, I could, but why?
I mean, our cell phone's
in the car and there's
no internet connection
out here anyway, so,
maybe we should just stay here,
frozen stiff, till morning.
In the daylight,
we could always flag down
a passing motorist.
We can't stay frozen
in fear all night!
I can.
Evo, be realistic.
This w*r is too deadly
to remain frozen
in fear for the duration!
We have to run!
O-- or at least
walk very quickly.
Maybe you should go
and come back with the sheriff.
But the dog warden
is the sheriff, Evo.
And I can't leave you
here alone, for Christ's sake!
But even worse,
I can't go out there by myself,
he'll m*rder me!
You'd probably die
of fear first.
Precisely.
Okay, maybe I'll consider going,
but only if we run.
-Okay, we'll run.
-At least until
we're far enough away.
How far is far enough?
Till we're almost there,
actually. Do you agree?
O-- okay. Anything
to get you out that door.
We should go quietly
and surprise him.
What if the dog's out there?
You wait till now to mention
that German shepherd?
Well, Blondie is a possibility!
I'm not going!
-We have no choice!
-I have a dozen!
Oh! What are they?
Frozen solid, for starters.
And the others?
Well, I could always get
those kitchen knives
and k*ll the creep.
Are you good with knives?
You ask the most
g*dd*mn irritating questions!
Of course
I'm not good with knives!
You know very well
I'm lousy with knives!
Have you ever seen me use
a knife on somebody, I mean?
Well, you did throw
an empty wine bottle at me once,
and it broke
into bloody slivers on my leg.
You know, Darm, it seems to me
that I'm more afraid than you.
- Why is that?
- I'm better
at deception.
You're as afraid as I am?
Probably more.
- So, are we gonna run or not?
- What do you think?
I thought you were certain
we should run!
Well, I thought I was,
but now I'm beginning to wonder.
Well, I'm sure. Let's go!
Run like no tomorrow!
But let's take knives
just in case.
Maybe knives are not
a good option.
You know what
Carl von Clausewitz,
the Prussian
military theorist, said?
"Weapons, more often than not,
are used on those
who carry them."
Well, I'm gonna carry
the whole knife rack.
I think I'd feel better running
with an arsenal in my pocket.
How do you propose to find
the knife rack in the dark?
Oh, I can't stand any more
of this nonsense.
Now, when I open the door,
you run out,
but don't forget
to take my hand.
Are you ready?
What choice do we have?
"So you think
it can't happen here?
So you think it
can't happen to you?"
No more poems, Darm.
There's a w*r going on.
What better time for poetry?
Oh, for God's sake,
what is this w*r all about?
I don't understand
electricity at all.
Flickers. Can you believe it?
Well, thank God
we aren't out there
running down the road
to the sheriff's gas station.
And thank you for stopping
your irritating yog-ing.
Who's stopping?
He's really playing around
with us, isn't he?
Well, there is always
the possibility
that it was a power failure
and momentary flicker.
That's idiotic,
as you very well know.
Well, now that the lights
are back on,
how could he have
turned them all off?
He'd have to know
where to go and what to turn
and how to flick them back on.
Maybe he's one
of these local electricians.
They all do something handy.
Boy, you sound like
a real city slicker, Evo.
No wonder these locals hate us!
To us, they're all just
electricians and handymen
and grease monkeys.
Don't make a joke
out of the natives, Darm.
I think humor is actually
the best way to treat
these armchair warriors.
They are sort of funny,
if you think
about their tactics.
Well, what if the lights
hadn't come back on?
How funny would that tactic be?
We'd be down the road,
retreating like Napoleon's army
from Moscow, holding hands.
I think our route
would be hilarious.
Enough w*r talk, Darm.
What's your game plan?
Well,
let's hope that the lights
don't go back out,
and that we can get
through this night
as sanely as possible.
And in the morning, we'll pack
and head back to the city.
Let them drive us out
of your eight-letter word.
Well... these locals have to
get some kicks in life.
Tormenting strangers is
one of their few rewards.
Maybe it was a power failure.
Don't count on it, but okay.
That flicker was
a systemic flutter.
Darm.
Darm. You didn't answer
my question.
What's your plan of action?
Is frozen yogurt down?
Frozen yogurt is your idea
of an adult response?
Frozen yogurt is my idea
of trying to appear normal.
Looking normal is probably
a very shrewd tactic
in an armchair.
You mean,
turn on the TV and eat?
Yeah. Why not?
Frozen yogurt is better
than standing frozen solid.
Darm, I'm actually
extremely furious at all this.
How dare he attack us?
The bloody gall!
The provincial jerk!
How dare he treat us
like the enemy?
Well, apparently he is
a man of some gall.
He's really gonna be in trouble.
Doesn't he know that?
Well, apparently he's willing
to risk the negative fallout
from his criminal behavior.
What negative fallout?
What are they gonna
charge him with?
Well,
it will be our word
against that of a local hero.
Of course, there is that rock.
Save it for fingerprints.
I have a feeling
rocks don't retain
very good fingerprints.
Forensics is the sheriff's job,
not ours.
But really, Darm,
what are they going
to indict him for?
Why? Are you gonna open
that door and shout out to him
what the negative fallout
from his criminal behavior
is gonna be?
Well, that wasn't
my intention, but actually,
a list of violations is
not a bad idea.
Okay, then tell him
just how furious you are
while you're at it.
I'm sure he'll tremble in fear.
Maybe he's mad only because
we reported his dog.
Oh, Jesus. Why did I ever call
that dog warden sheriff?
He's probably in on this too!
Nothing at this point
would surprise me.
The whole damn village
is probably in
on this crime wave.
-There are other city slickers
living around here.
-Well, they're next.
They really do hate us,
don't they?
Mm. Hate is probably
too brief an explanation.
More like despise
our miserable guts
or abhor the sight
of our urban faces.
I suspect that what
they're feeling for us
right about now
is rather complete loathing.
And all because we didn't let
that dog bite you to death.
I never should've called.
I certainly disagree
with you there.
Unless you were k*lled
or bitten,
I'm very glad
you reported the bozo.
-I hope he gets a huge fine.
-Well, he's gonna get more
than a slap on the wrist
for this little rampage tonight.
People can't do this to people
and get away with it.
People, my friend,
get away with m*rder.
Especially if it's m*rder
of those who are generally
accepted as different.
Different entitles you
to m*rder in some people's eyes.
I know you're
only being hyperbolic
with all this talk of homicide,
but having a rock
thrown through your window
is bad enough.
Being attacked
by a man-eating dog
is plenty bad.
And you know what the most
irritating thing of all is?
He's probably happy
he's able to persecute us.
That dirty little storm trooper.
Oh, well, we'll probably
have the final laugh.
He'll probably have to spend
the rest of his life here
in this little local village.
That is, with a few years
for time out in jail.
Do you think
they'll incarcerate him
for something like this?
-They should.
-No, I mean, do you think
what he's doing is
bad enough for prison?
He's not there yet, Evo.
Well...
...the lights have been on
for ten minutes,
so I guess I am a little hungry.
I won't ask you
whether or not you want
some chocolate almond yogurt
because the last time
I asked you, you told me
never to ask you again.
I asked you not to ask me
again tonight. Not never.
I do plan to eat frozen yogurt
at some point in the future.
If there is another night.
"Another night"?
Of course, goes without saying.
Well, tonight, "another night"
needs to be said.
Well... now it's my turn
to be serious, Evo.
Are you sure
you don't wanna go out there
and walk very fast
to the Mobil sheriff?
Are you determined to spend
the night here and try to sleep?
Well, as with
all things in life,
the further we get away
from the awful things,
the calmer we become.
Actually,
I'm feeling a lot better now
that the lights are back on
and a rock hasn't come...
hurtling through
that window recently,
so... let's just stay calm
and watch a little TV.
Golden Days, if it's not over.
And then, in the morning,
we can press charges.
In the daylight, they wouldn't
dare behave like paramilitaries.
Let's hope
your bromide holds true.
Well, what's he gonna do?
Stand out there
in broad daylight
and throw rocks?
That dog tried to bite you
in broad daylight.
At least in daylight,
we'll be able to see.
Let's hope so, Evo.
Let's hope
that in broad daylight,
we'll be able to see
the rock launcher.
So, do you want
some chocolate almond
frozen yogurt or not?
You had to ask, didn't you?
You simply had to ask
whether or not I wanted
some chocolate almond
frozen yogurt.
Well, you'll want some of mine.
Okay, I'll have
some chocolate almond.
If I don't, the ice cream
will probably spoil
when the electricity
goes out for a second time.
Frozen yogurt
is not ice cream, Darmy.
No.
But the strawberry
fudge ripple is.
What's that smell?
You smell something?
Well, I asked, didn't I?
I don't smell a thing.
Smells like... fumes.
Oh, come on, Evo.
You're just hyper
about everything.
No, I do smell fumes, don't you?
You're the one who always
smells things.
Do you mean to tell me
you don't smell anything at all?
Fumes as in he's trying
to burn the house down
and he's dousing the roof
with an accelerant?
I didn't say I smelled gasoline.
Well,
you know me and my nose.
If you suggest there's something
to smell, I will smell it.
Fumes are serious, Darm.
Don't you smell
any hazardous thing?
Actually...
now that you mention it...
...I think I do smell
something hazardous.
Something like gasoline.
I didn't say I smelled gasoline.
What you're smelling is probably
just the heating oil.
Fuel oil smells
like gasoline sometimes.
They are distant cousins.
Well-- God damn it!
Now you've got me worried.
I simply smelled fumes,
but do you really smell
a petroleum product?
I have to wait a minute
to know what I really smell.
-You have to wait a minute?
-Yes! God help me,
I have to think about it!
Well, then think!
What do you smell?
-Gasoline.
-Oh! That is absurd!
Well, I'm sorry, Evo,
but I do smell gas!
-But not smoke?
-No, of course not smoke.
You don't smell smoke,
do you?
Darm, I think we're just
driving each other nuts.
Do you really smell
a petroleum product?
-Maybe.
-Well, petroleum is
too dangerous for "maybe", Darm.
Th-- I don't know
what the hell I smell, Evo!
You're talking so much,
I can't really smell
a damn thing!
Talking and smelling,
what do the two have
to do with each other?
You know me!
If you suggest there's
something to smell,
-I'll smell the whole industry!
-I didn't suggest
-the petroleum industry.
-Fumes! Fumes!
I didn't say hydrocarbon fumes.
-There. Now I smell a match!
-Oh, you do not.
Yes, I do, Evo.
Phosphorus sulfide.
Let's get the hell out
of this biohazardous Paradise!
Wait! It's only because
we're talking about smelling.
- You probably don't smell
a stinking thing!
I'm not gonna go running
out there on the off chance
-you smell a house fire.
-I do, God damn it! Arson!
Let's get out of this
three-alarm w*r.
Oh, bloody hell!
Ouch! Don't push me!
Somebody shot at me, Evo!
What do you mean,
"don't push me"?
-Somebody shot?
-What in the devil
do you think that sound was?
Well, I didn't hear it.
I thought it was a car
or something.
-You were in my way!
-Jesus Christ, it was a g*nsh*t!
It was?
Where in God's name
have you been, Evo?
Somebody shot at me!
Well, I guess I did hear
something, but a b*llet?
Oh, for pity's sake,
let me sit down.
No,
don't go near that door.
-Lock it. Lock it!
-You don't have to shout.
Evo, somebody tried to k*ll me,
and you tell me not to shout?
Well, you don't
really think they tried
to sh**t at you, do you?
- I mean, the b*llet didn't sound that close.
- -Evo, please!
I'm practically hysterical,
and you simply make
no sense at all.
-Did it come at you?
-How the hell do I know
whether it came at me?
Well, I mean, I didn't hear
the b*llet hit anywhere.
There was a g*nsh*t,
God damn it, I heard it!
Maybe you're just jumpy.
Oh, Evo,
this w*r is getting
exponentially worse.
Well, you're telling me,
but if you noticed,
there's no smoke in here.
What we were smelling
must not have been smoke.
- Maybe there are hunters
living around here.
There are hunters
in these woods,
I've seen them looking at maps.
- Did you lock the door?
- -Uh, yes, I locked the door.
You don't have to get huffy!
I have the right to ask
whether or not you lock
the front door.
-There's a sn*per
out there with a g*n.
-Okay!
Okay, I believe you.
But if it's true, then...
...we are in real trouble.
My friend,
we're in terminal trouble!
This is a local Armageddon,
God damn it!
-Don't swear at me!
-Oh, I'm sorry,
but... what in God's name
are we going to do?
- Well, maybe we shouldn't
stand in the light.
I will not spend the night
in the dark!
Well, I know this is
gonna make you really mad,
but, Darm, really,
it has to have been a g*n.
I know it was a g*n.
I told you it was a g*n.
No, I meant to say
it has to have been
-a hunter sh**ting
or something.
-In the middle of the night?
- Well, it's not the middle
of the night, it's early night.
-Don't hunters sometimes
hunt into early evening?
-Oh,
Evo, get a hold of yourself.
We have really unchained
the mad dogs of w*r.
We're in horrendous trouble
over nothing.
What do you suggest we do?
Well, what do you suggest we do?
Well, the only brave thing to do
when the b*ll*ts are flying
is to hide in the cellar.
It's not a cellar,
Darm, it's a basement.
Cellars are
completely underground.
Basements are only half.
You're worried about terminology
in the middle
of an above-ground w*r?
You're right. Let's go hide
in the underground catacombs
- where our bones
will probably be buried.
He'll never find us down here.
-Let's hope you're right.
For once.
-Mm.
Wrong again!
Let's get out of this graveyard!
So... now that we're back
to the relative safety
of the above-ground w*r,
what do you suggest we do?
W-- well... I guess we can try
to make any sort of run
to the sheriff's headquarters.
Absolutely not!
We are not going out
that door again tonight.
Is it locked?
Yes, yes. Try it yourself.
Good.
And don't unlock it.
Look, Darm,
if he really is a m*rder*r,
he could sh**t us
at any time through a window.
And you didn't
even see a b*llet!
How does one see a b*llet?
Well, you didn't see it hit
something nearby, like...
-...the door jamb.
-No.
I didn't see a b*llet hit
the door jamb.
Well, sometimes
cars sound like g*ns.
What car? There hasn't been
a motor vehicle
up that road all night!
And you were so busy trying
to push me through the doorway,
-you didn't even hear
a damn thing.
-Well, I did hear something.
I just didn't jump
to the conclusion
that it was a g*n.
And after all,
we weren't bitten by the dog.
Oh, this little contretemps
has gone far beyond
Blondie, Evo.
This uncivil brouhaha is
very far into human territory.
There is a human being
out there with a g*n,
and he is far more dangerous
than some mere dog.
But are you absolutely sure
it was a g*nsh*t?
Absolutely!
It was a near-fatal g*nsh*t.
And God damn you
for continuing to grill me!
Well, you don't have to swear.
-I believe you.
-Christ, Evo, I'm sorry, I--
What in God's good name
do we do?
How the hell would
anybody know what to do
in a situation like this?
Who is ever
in situations like this
to know what to do
the next time?
Nobody could possibly know.
But the one thing I know
we shouldn't do is fight.
And maybe get away
from the light.
We're going to have
to talk to him.
How could we
possibly talk to him?
Assuming there's only one.
We'll have to call out
and suggest a tte--tte.
That guy does not look like
the tte--tte type, Darm.
You tried tteing
With him this morning
and he just shrugged
his shoulders and saluted.
That guy will not wanna
tte with you now.
He shot at us!
Assuming it was
actually a b*llet.
Okay, well,
what else do you suggest?
Oh, Christ, I don't know!
Well, this is gonna sound silly,
but maybe we should just
go to bed.
And sleep?
Well, I mean, make him think
we've gone to bed.
Maybe we should go
to sleep on the floor
in Blanca's bedroom.
Why on the floor?
To make him think that we
aren't, you know... sensitive.
-Oh. I think it's
too late to lie, Darm.
-Why?
Well, the dog warden talked
to me as though he knew
we aren't rough and tough.
Or at least I'm not.
And where there's smoke,
there's what? A house fire?
-Meaning what?
-Meaning where there's one
who isn't rough and tough,
there are sure to be two
who are sensitive to flames.
You're beginning to sound
as though you're
actually not so worried
about it's really
having been a g*nsh*t.
Oh, Christ, Evo,
will you stop with this idiocy?
-Oh, you sound ridiculous!
-Okay, but-- stop it, Darm!
Stop it right now!
Evo, I'm sorry, but... God,
I'm just absolutely baffled!
Okay.
Try calling out to him. Hmm?
Tell him whatever you want.
Tell him you're sorry
I called the dog sheriff.
Blame me to him, I don't care.
Tell him we won't walk
in front of his house anymore.
- Anything. Tell him
we'll even go back to the city
if that'll make
the creep feel any better.
Tell him we'll rid
the neighborhood
of undesirables.
Tell him we'll leave
only rednecks and brownshirts
and the Green Berets
in the boondocks.
Tell the bloody b*stard
to go screw himself!
Was that a joke?
Oh, Christ, Darm.
Tell him to screw
whoever he wants.
Only take this seriously.
That was your joke, Evo.
Opening that door again
is a huge mistake.
Talking to him
is absolutely out,
so let's just stay here
and stand away from the light.
But what if we smell smoke?
Oh, Christ!
Stop trying to scare everybody!
Nobody smelled smoke!
It was just your tendency
to smell everything
with that nose of yours!
So let's just calm down
and turn on the TV.
What channel is Golden Days on?
-We've missed it.
-Oh, God damn all this.
We've missed Golden Days.
That no-neck philistine.
I'm gonna run over that dog
if I ever see it in the road.
I wish that b*llet had hit
something like the door jamb.
That way, we'd have something
to show the sheriff.
That sharpsh**ter is too smart
for door jambs, Darm.
If he's gonna hit something,
it's gonna be one of us.
He's not gonna settle for one
of the jambs of Blanca's doors.
Well...
...maybe I will go to sleep.
What? Leave me here
to take the brunt?
-Aren't you gonna watch TV?
-C-- certainly
I'm gonna watch TV.
What else is there to watch?
Like, this portrait on my easel?
And surely you're not
gonna try to work
with that idiot out there. So...
But are you...
sure you heard a g*n?
Yes, I heard a g*n.
And please don't ask me again.
Are you absolutely sure?
Yes! I'm absolutely,
unequivocally certain
I heard a g*dd*mn g*nsh*t!
But are you sure
that you heard a g*n?
Well...
...maybe not.
What? After all this,
you're not sure?
Well, I was sure, but who knows?
Maybe I was just... jumpy.
You stupid jerk.
Don't call me
a stupid jerk, Evo!
You stupid, bloody jerk!
You got me all riled up!
We could've been halfway
to the sheriff's
dog shelter by now,
but you had to hear a g*n.
Now, I'm sure it wasn't a shot.
It was just
your creative imagination.
Like your stupid nose.
Like the famous fire in here.
There was no smoke!
Well, let's be thankful
that I was wrong
and that you stopped ironing
your very peculiar pajamas.
You be thankful.
I'm bloody furious!
And not just with him,
that Gestapo wannabe.
Evo, turn on the TV.
What channel?
-Any.
-No. I mean,
-what channel is Golden Days on?
-It's over.
Well, I wanna check.
Sometimes you're wrong.
Like about g*nshots.
Channel 4.
It's not on Channel 4,
there's nothing on Channel 4.
Let me see.
You know what he's done,
don't you?
-He's cut the antenna!
-You're kidding!
No, look! There's no Channel 4
or 5 or anything.
-He's cut the coaxial cable!
-No coaxial cable?
- But there's no TV
if there's no coaxial cable.
We don't get
a lousy thing without
a multidirectional aerial.
- All right, well, TV's out too.
- What else can we do?
Maybe...
...we should just sit here
and pretend
we're watching Perry Mason.
That'll drive
the Neanderthal crazy.
Oh, I don't think that caveman
needs to be driven crazy, Evo.
I think that troglodyte is
a self-generated nut.
I'm simply gonna think
this has all been
a silly mistake.
The dog warden,
the telephone, the rock,
the tires, the car backfire.
I mean,
what else can he do to us?
So let's just think
he hasn't done a silly thing
and... listen to the radio.
We don't have a radio, do we?
I mean, listen
to Blanca's emergency radio
that runs on batteries.
He can't have
run down batteries, can he?
He can run down anything.
Darm, please be serious.
Look. Blanca's emergency radio.
Let's pray to God
that the batteries are working.
I'll turn it on
and pray.
Pray first, then turn it on.
This is an urgent bulletin
from Danielle Bradley,
a Voice of Middle America,
with news of an assassination
attempt made on the life of--
The life of who?
And why are they playing
Chopin's "Funeral March" ?
Oh, my God, Evo.
The assassination attempt
must have succeeded.
And they're playing
Frdric Chopin because
someone very important has died.
An assassination?
Well, that's preposterous.
It's probably only
the very unimportant dog warden
who's been shot
by the equally unimportant
-dog owner.
- Please stay tuned to...
-All right, let me listen.
...to Voice of Middle America
for further bulletins.
This is Danielle Bradley
signing off.
And remember our motto,
"All the news
even before we get it."
Oh, the radio is out!
What else can we do?
Darm.
When you are
at a loss for what to do,
the only sane thing to do is
to go to bed on the floor.
-On the floor?
-Certainly on the floor.
Do you think
I'm gonna sleep upstairs?
He's not the only nut
around here.
Here.
Put these on.
Evo. Evo.
We are in hopeless trouble.
You know that, don't you?
Are you sure we should be
openly embracing?
He can probably see in here.
Let him see. Filthy psychopath.
Oh, Darm,
I'm scared, I really am.
Well, who isn't, Evo?
But it'll all
be over eventually.
Wars can't go on forever.
We'll either be dead or packed
in the morning for the city.
Do you really think
we'll have to leave?
You mean you'd stay in this
b*llet-riddled neighborhood?
We're all somehow
a stupid mistake.
Write to me in the city.
So, you don't think it's
some silly misunderstanding?
What do you think?
I agree.
It's real.
The way that dog behaved
this morning said it all,
didn't it?
Loud and clear and homicidally.
Dirty dog of w*r.
But I'm not gonna let
it go at this, Evo.
If we survive this night,
and I'm assuming we will,
I'm going to pursue
this outrage.
I'm gonna make sure
that someone pays attention
to what's happened to us,
even if we have to go
to the FBI.
I don't think the FBI
investigates dog bites.
Let's just survive this night
and get the hell out
of Paradise.
I'd settle for escape.
- Let some other hero
deal with the feds.
I simply want away
from these pigs!
Are you calling him a pig
because you want him
to hear you?
Yes, I am.
You, you pig!
Did you hear that,
you big oink?
You miserable human being!
Screw you and your whole
volunteer fire department,
and screw your flag waving dog.
You hear that,
you chubby Wiener schnitzel?
Well...
...if we survive
the next five minutes,
then I'd say our chances
for the rest of the evening
are pretty good.
Oh, I'm so mad
I could spit b*ll*ts!
Evo.
Evo.
Let's go to sleep
in the back room.
If you think
I'm going into the back
with no doors to escape from,
with the windows that take
five minutes to open,
and move away
from that front door,
even though
he's out there in the dark,
you're crazy.
Well...
...I suppose
we could sleep out here.
Where?
Well, on the floor, as you said.
I agree, the back room
is not a good option.
And those fumes we smelled
earlier might've been gas.
So I suppose
this is the safest room.
Well, it'll only be
till morning, but...
...nobody will sleep
around here, will we?
Absolutely not!
Do you think he'll stay
out there all night?
What do you think?
He'll stay out there
all night, won't he?
The swine. Oh, oh, Christ!
How can he do this to us?
What pleasure does he get
on picking on two
innocent human beings?
We're harmless! Sort of.
At least I am.
-Get your digs in while you can.
-Why is he hounding us?
What's the point?
Just to show us
that he hates us?
Doesn't he know
we know he hates us?
They all do!
Doesn't he know we can see that
at the local farmers market?
We don't have to be shot at
to know they hate our guts
but love our money.
What does he want us to do?
Be just like them
so that they'll like us?
Who wants to be liked by them?
I'd rather be different.
Well, you are that, Evo,
my friend.
You are very different.
And what's worse, so am I.
- Are you gonna get
the blankets or shall I?
Once again, it'll have
to be done together
because we are both afraid
of just about
everything equally.
Most of all, being alone.
Can you imagine
going to all this trouble
just to hate our guts?
Good God, is schadenfreude
worth the effort?
Boy, human animal is
amazingly lost for something
of significance to do,
especially if he has
to pick on two pacifists.
Oh, well...
...maybe
the poor fellow's unhappy.
Because he's unhappy,
I have to be made miserable?
We're not the first
to be shot at, Evo,
for being who we are.
But... Darm, I don't wanna be
a martyr to differentness.
I simply wanna be left alone.
Left alone, Evo? The world
will never allow you to be.
The human animal is determined
to tell us all what to do
and with whom to do it
and how and when
and sometimes why.
I think
I heard something.
Oh, please don't hear
another sound, I beg you.
Hush!
-I think I hear it too.
-In the back room?
Maybe he wants
to join us for a brandy.
No more jokes, Darm.
Someone's in the back.
It must have taken him
five minutes to open
one of those windows.
Maybe now's our chance
to escape out the front.
You lead the way.
Ouch!
- Get out of the way!
- Ouch! Don't push me!
- What was that?
- Oh! Someone
just closed that door!
It was probably just a wind.
But... what was that I saw
hanging from the tree? A limb?
Oh, God.
It's not a limb, Darm,
it's the very unimportant
dog warden!
He's been strung up
and m*rder*d!
- m*rder*d?
But who k*lled him?
Well, it wasn't the wind!
It was him!
-That enemy combatant!
-Oh, good God.
- How do we get out
of this full-blown w*r?
I... I don't know, but, uh,
let's listen to the radio
and see if we can find out how.
I'm Cooper Dawson,
the Voice of Middle America.
A house at the corner of Maple
and Elm streets has gone up in--
Gone up in what?
-Flames, probably!
-Oh, Christ!
It's not only our house,
some other house is burning!
-Would you shut up and listen?
-...please stay tuned
to Voice of Middle America
for further--
Well, the radio's a bust. So...
...what do we do now?
Well, Evo, when you're still
at a loss for what to do,
the only thing to do
is to work like hell.
I'm telling you,
it was a broken limb
out the front window.
And I'm telling you,
it was the Mobil dog warden
who's been m*rder*d.
Don't you feel a little peculiar
with that chest of drawers
up against the door?
I'm rather enjoying
feeling peculiar.
It's better than being strung up
on that tree out there.
Evo, I'm beginning to think
we were both simply subject
to overly creative imaginations.
Wait till the next episode.
Another g*nsh*t, car backfire.
Well, it's been at least
six hours since that dog barked.
Five hours, 15 minutes.
So I guess we don't go
to bed tonight.
This storage trunk feels
perfectly comfy to me.
What do people always say
in situations like this?
"This is not happening.
This simply is not happening
in the land of live
and let live."
Why deny what is happening
before our very eyes?
That guy is really going
to get it when this is over.
We are really
gonna go after him.
Prosecute. Throw the proverbial
constitution at him.
Why talk about
our proverbial rights?
I'd much rather enjoy
my third bowl of strawberry
fudge ripple ice cream.
Are you sure you don't
wanna go watch snow on TV?
Well, who cares what that goon
in the back room thinks?
Let him think we're upset.
Let him think our lives
tonight are ruined.
His is about to be ruined
in a big way.
Tomorrow, crack of dawn.
I simply don't understand
what he wants.
Poor jerk is probably bored.
There's nothing to do out there
except put out
little local fires
that never amount to much.
Or sit in the bars
and watch reruns of Lassie
and World w*r II documentaries.
w*r is probably his way
of finding importance in life.
I can't even remember
what he looks like.
He looks like them!
They all look like them!
You know, the swastika tattoos
and the, the baseball caps,
the logger shirts,
the pork bellies,
mad dogs running alongside
their trucks.
The g*n racks on the back.
Screw 'em.
Well, I guess they have
their view of us,
and we certainly have
our view of them, however wrong.
Who's wrong?
We're exactly
like they think we are,
and they're even worse!
Oh, I'd certainly beg
to differ there.
We're not at all
the way they think we are!
We're actually a lot of fun,
if given the chance.
Mm, tonight, we're not fun.
Well, I'm actually
getting a little sleepy.
Don't you dare doze off.
You're the one who called
the Mobil Gas sheriff.
So I get to fall asleep.
-I'll wake you up.
-You do, and I'll go make
a separate peace with the man.
I can pass for a fireman.
You're not such a local type.
More local than you, slicker.
I wonder what
he's thinking right about now.
He's probably not even in there.
He's probably gone home
and is sleeping,
having wonderful dreams
of romping through fields
of edelweiss
now that he's had
his fun with us.
No, he's in the back room,
all right?
How can you be so sure?
Well, they,
and I mean them generically,
they never give up!
They insist on going
all the way to seeing us dead.
If you believe that,
Evo, you'd run out of here
like a speeding b*llet,
regardless of that dog.
Okay, let's stop talking
about it, please.
Let's talk about anything else.
I have a ticket for the opera
this upcoming Tuesday evening.
-If you're alive.
-I said let's stop
talking about it!
Okay, you'll be alive.
Which opera?
Gtterdmmerung
by Wilhelm Richard Wagner.
Well, this certainly is
interesting talk.
Especially
in the middle of a crisis.
I suppose you'd now like
to tell me the whole program.
-Who sings the fat lady?
-Oh, go finish your poem.
Well, that certainly
successfully ends
that line of investigatory talk.
Sometimes I can understand why
they want people like us dead.
Why? We talk too cleverly?
You think you talk cleverly.
Okay, let's talk dopey.
Seen any good fires lately?
No, but I did smell
a good one earlier.
That's actually
pretty clever, Evo.
Now, if you don't mind,
I'm going into the living room
to continue to read
Mr. Ainsley's
The New American Civil w*r.
And whether or not you mind,
I'm going into the living room
to listen to the radio
and vacuum.
"Battle Hymn of the Republic" ?
Why are they playing
a Civil w*r song?
Because this is the second
American Civil w*r, Evo.
Unless this is one
of those Orson Welles-type
radio programs,
you know, where
the Martians have invaded
and landed on Grovers Mill farm
in New Jersey
in Welles's famous-- well,
infamous The w*r of the Worlds?
No. This is the real,
honest to Betsy Ross
new American Civil w*r, Evo!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
Don't freeze in fear, Evo.
It's only a hunter knocking.
It's not a hunter, it's him,
that cold-blooded hothead!
Well,
at least you stopped vacuuming,
- but... what do you think
we should do?
Oh, don't open the door.
W-- what else can we do?
Well, open it,
of course, but should we?
Well, absolutely not!
It's three in the morning!
- I never open
the door at 3:00 a.m.
This is not
just any 3:00 a.m., Evo.
This is a four hours
till sunrise, antimeridian!
- Would you stop
talking like that?
My instincts, I think,
say, "Open it."
Well, if you have
to think about them,
they're not instincts.
I think you're talking
just like me, Evo.
God damn it, Darm,
what are we gonna do?
Well... he can't
break the door down, can he?
Certainly can break it down!
They all can break it down
if all of them
want to badly enough.
Okay, I won't open the door.
Let them all break it down
if he or they really want to,
and then we can...
Oh, dear God.
What the hell is
going on in Paradise?
- He's stopped knocking.
- -Oh, it's too soon to know
whether or not
he stopped knocking.
This law may
only be a moratorium
to bury your dog warden.
Mm, mm, stop talking like that!
What, sarcastically?
- He's gotta stop
harassing us.
He's simply gotta stop
pounding on our door.
What?
What do you want out there?
What are you after?
C-- can't you speak up,
you coward?
-Please.
-Well, he is a coward.
Wha-- what do you need?
-Some milk
for your pot-bellied mongrel?
-Evo, stop it!
I'm sick
and tired of this bully.
What the hell are you up to?
Can't you talk, you moron?
Boy, you get awfully brave
awfully quickly.
Go back to being a coward,
for Christ's sake!
Don't talk like that!
Try reason first,
then talk like a marine.
He's... gone away.
- What?
You scared him away
with your bravery?
He's gone.
Don't count
on a tactical retreat.
He hasn't knocked
in the past 45 seconds.
I'm just glad
I'm not here alone.
Then I'd really be in shambles.
Stop knocking!
Stop banging
on our historic house!
Get off our property!
You're gonna be in national
trouble come morning!
You don't think you can get away
with these w*r crimes, do you?
You have more faith
in the stopping power
of that door than I do.
What do you expect me to do?
- Stand here and put up
with this barbarian?
Stop intruding
into our lives, you creep!
-Don't call him a creep!
-But he is a creep!
Granted, but don't call him
a creep! Wait till morning!
There'll be plenty of time
to call him a creep
in safer surroundings.
Oh, Christ! When is that creep
gonna stop breaking down
our door?
Get away from
our lawful residence, neighbor!
You can't do this,
do you hear me?
It's three in the morning,
we are not going to open!
And, and don't destroy
any property!
You'll be held responsible
for anything you damage,
-devalue, or incinerate!
-Oh, great!
Threaten him with legal action,
that's really
gonna deter the creep.
Would you shut up?
I will not shut up.
Look, don't get brave with me.
Get brave with him.
He's the enemy!
-Says who?
-Oh, go screw yourself.
Oh, you want them
to really hate us?
So, if you're still out there,
well, I want you to move away
from this grade A
listed building!
I don't know what you're up
to prove or gain,
but in the long run,
you'll regret
this home invasion!
These people don't understand
consequences, Darm.
They don't take
a long view of things.
Mister, you talk as though
you're talking to a rational
human being with ambitions
and goals in the future.
This guy is a human dead end.
He's got nowhere to go
but death row.
Don't talk rationally to him.
He can hear everything we say
in here, Evo.
He can hear
the dissension between us.
You're only adding
to his confidence.
Get off our stoop,
you schweinehund,
and take your floozy fleabag!
Oh! And you think insults
are better than using
rationality?
Mm, damn sight better.
Go back to your pigsty,
you big boar!
God, Evo, stop calling him
names! What the hell
do you think you're doing?
I'm making myself feel better,
that's what I'm doing.
Well, you're making me
feel a damn sight worse.
I'm not worrying about
how you feel right now, Darm!
I'm mostly worried about me.
Do you mind?
Not at all!
Just don't bring me down
as you bring yourself down!
Get off our land,
you clodhopper, you nincompoop,
you stupid ignoramus!
I don't care how tough you are
and how many fires you put out
and how many Eva Brauns
you have in service.
You are not welcome
in our home, sweet home!
We pay rent here,
-and--
-I think you're appealing
to his rationality.
Well, then you try
to talk to him.
Okay.
Here goes rational discourse.
Listen, this lawlessness
has got to cease!
If you don't leave here soon,
let's say, five minutes,
well, then we will,
I promise you,
go through
with our threats to prosecute.
But if you leave now,
right this minute,
well, then we'll call it even.
Is that understood?
I'm not sure
I'm willing to call it even.
- Would you shut up?
- He couldn't hear that.
So, if you leave immediately,
well, then we won't go
to the authorities
in the morning.
Don't-- don't shake
your head "no," Evo.
He can see in here!
How can we present
a united front
if you stand there
and shake your head "no"?
Maybe it's not a united front.
-Don't let him know that!
-No! Who cares
what that jackass thinks?
I'm about had it with him.
Let him come and try to k*ll us
or whatever he intends to do.
We're not as unprepared,
- physically or psychically,
as we might appear.
Listen, when you talk to him,
don't talk like that, okay?
- I'll talk how I want to talk!
- I give up.
-Talk how you want.
-I intend to.
Do we have a deal? Oh,
a-- and as for your dog,
well then, we won't sign
a formal complaint
in the morning.
Agreed? Oh, and don't worry
about my friend.
He'll do whatever
I tell him to do.
No.
So, it's all agreed?
He hasn't knocked
in the past two minutes.
You know,
this might sound silly, Evo,
but it just might not be him.
Oh, sure.
The dog warden is strung up,
the phone goes poof,
a rock comes crashing in,
the tires are gutted,
the lights go out,
the b*llet is fired,
the coaxial is axed,
smoke fills the house,
somebody sneaks into the back,
and at three in the morning,
it just might not be
the neo-n*zi
who perpetrated it all!
Boy, you're no help at all
on the front line.
Okay, it is him! I, I-- w--
what good does it do
to think negatively?
Oh, great.
California positive thinking
-will chase the boogeyman away.
-Okay, it's him!
But I'm just trying
to understand
these w*r types better!
You're just trying to--
sound as dopey
as he obviously is!
You have really
got to stop insulting him.
- Why?
- Why? Because it's
still three in the morning
and there are four hours to go!
He hasn't knocked
in the past three minutes.
Maybe he did do
what you suggested,
did accept your carrot.
Well, I'm absolutely exhausted.
And I can't take much more
of your irrational discourse.
Aren't you the one
who tells me that in life
we have to take
what there is to take?
No more and no less?
Well, that formulaic drivel
doesn't sound particularly
like the way I talk.
But yes, I agree.
If there's more to take, well,
then of course we'll take it.
-But damn it, I'm tired!
-Oh, and I'm not?
Oh, of course you're exhausted!
Don't keep quibbling.
Now sit down
and get away from that door.
And even if he knocks,
don't talk to him.
And if he wants to break in,
well, then he'll break in,
and we'll just have to,
quote, "take it," unquote.
I'd like to see this guy.
I'd like to look into a face
that could act like this.
What kind of pasty puss
would do things like this?
What twisted,
monstrous, malformed mug
would go to these lengths
just to protect his dog's honor?
Actually, he looked
a little pudgy from a distance,
and his shoulders
seemed a little... rounded.
-The ones he shrugged?
-Yeah. While you were
getting bitten,
I noticed that his shoulders
were a little...
...ovate.
Boy. The things you notice
and the words you use.
Well, you said
you wanted to see this guy.
I wanna look into that face.
I wanna spit into that face.
Actually, I'd like to stick
my knife into that kisser.
Where did you get that knife?
I got it. I got it.
How long have you had
that weapon in your pocket?
Well, since the beginning.
I don't think I'm gonna be
threatened with extinction
without carrying
some protection.
But that knife
is laughable, Evo.
And you wouldn't even use it!
No. But you might.
Oh, so you're just gonna
hand the knife to me
and hope that I stick it
into his face?
Well... if it came
to saving our lives,
yes, you'd probably
stick it up his nose.
Well, if it came
to saving our lives,
you'd probably plunge
into his brain.
I certainly would.
And I think he probably knows
that's what we'd do,
hence he hasn't tried
to break in.
So, you don't think
he actually tried to enter
the house in the back?
That I don't know, but...
Here, let me flash this knife,
I wanna make sure he sees
this little baby.
Here!
Look at the knifey,
Mr. Brave, pudgy b*stard!
Here, look, it's called a knife!
It's a m*rder weapon. A shiv.
So... you just better
be careful, Mr. Brave.
Oh, wait. b*stard!
That's actually not
a very frightening shiv, Evo.
It looks as though
it would do wonders on bread,
but I'm not too sure
about on human beings.
Doesn't actually look
very sharp, does it?
He doesn't know that,
so shut up.
Don't let him hear you.
By the way,
is that Blanca's bread knife?
Certainly
it's Blanca's bread knife.
I don't think
Blanca would be too happy
if you were to...
Then again, who cares?
If it comes down
to plunging that bread knife
into his sourdough face,
who cares
what Blanca Dubois says?
That Southern belle should've
warned us about these pudgy,
round shouldered porkers
who live around here.
-How come they're never
nice looking?
-Who?
No, I mean, seriously,
why are these mass m*rder*r
types never...
...worth looking at,
from an aesthetic point of view?
What a thing to ask
at three in the morning.
Well, people do think
like that, even in crises,
silly as it may sound.
And silly it does sound,
extremely silly.
-Appallingly silly.
-Well, we have to say something.
We can't just...
sit here in silence.
Mm, that might be something
to consider, however.
What? Silence?
Not saying silly things.
Well, then, you talk.
You do all the talking.
You're the intelligent one.
I'm the one people like.
How long has it been
since he knocked?
-No, he's gone.
-Tell me how long.
He's long gone!
Even he gets bored doing
the same thing over and over.
He's gone with your famous wind.
What's next?
There's always a next
with this guy.
What's next?
Yes, I guess we're both
just sitting here
waiting for what's
gonna happen next.
I don't hear a thing.
Neither do I.
Simply silence.
Which is
what you wanted, anyway.
Silence.
But what's next?
Blondie is dying with a death
rattling bark, Darm!
That damn Hitlerian monster
has k*lled his own dog
for not biting us to death!
Cyanide poisoning by capsules.
Quick, turn the radio, Evo.
See if that was
a bark heard around America.
More funeral music, Darm!
Samuel Barber's
"Adagio for Strings."
A very important American
has indeed died,
not just the very unimportant
dog warden.
Do you mean the very important
sheriff is dead?
The very important sheriff
is the very unimportant
dog warden, Darmy, remember?
Do you see it?
Not yet.
I think it's there.
Of course it's there,
but I don't see it.
It's not up.
You're just... anticipating.
No. I think I do see it. Almost.
It's about time,
don't you think?
No. It's there, Darm, slightly.
Come look. Come.
Just below the horizon.
You may be right.
Gosh,
what an extraordinary sight.
Astonishing.
It takes a m*rder
to make one appreciate
what happens every day.
Well, I'm never up
this early to see it.
But even if we were...
...it wouldn't look so much...
...like a godsend.
It's finally here.
And...
...I am utterly exhausted
and relieved.
I'm still furious.
Absolutely unforgivingly
ready to k*ll.
Do you see
anything else out there?
Well... it's hardly up,
it's just a glimmer.
But I can almost see the trees.
Anything else? Him?
Well, can't you look?
I don't see him.
Or Blondie's body...
...or the volunteer
fire department.
None of them.
Well, I must say, I'm...
- ...beginning
to feel human again.
The night is a bad time
to be creative, Evo.
We're really
gonna get him, Darm.
We're really gonna prosecute
to the limit of the law.
What limit is that?
We shall see.
We shall certainly see the law's
proverbial limitations.
Now I'd say it's definitely up.
Oh, it's up all right.
No doubt now, it's there.
There are the trees,
without question.
But... where is he?
Or the hanging corpse
or whoever we're looking for?
He probably went home
and had a fine night's sleep.
The poor b*stard.
He's really in
for the most we can do to him.
Yes, there's the sun
without doubt. Thank God.
But... there's no one out there.
Is there?
-Nobody.
-Let me look around.
Nope. No one.
Do you see anyone?
Not a soul. Nothing's moving.
And... it's so quiet. No wind.
But it looks cold, doesn't it?
Shall we take
the barricade down?
Oh, who cares?
I'm sick of this place
and these people
and their much loved hatreds.
Let's pack and say
to hell with them all.
Oh, no, Evo.
I'm not about to give them
the final pleasure
of driving us out.
You don't mean
you wanna stay here. Darm?
The sun will go down again
and we will be terrorized again.
These types never give up.
They have nothing else to do.
Th-- all these volunteer fire
departments spend all their time
running around setting fires,
so they have something to do,
to put out.
I read about it.
There's an epidemic
of volunteer fire department
fires all over this country.
We're not even sure
he is a volunteer fireman.
Oh, he's a volunteer fireman,
all right?
That was a volunteer
firemen's dog.
And you saw
the blue fireman's light
on top of the cab of his truck.
I'm leaving this particular edge
of Paradise.
You stay if you want. I'm gone.
I won't leave, Evo.
I won't be chased out.
Listen, you would better
start packing.
If they see us packing,
perhaps then they won't
come back and start a fire.
But there's no one out there!
I suggest we walk
right into the village
and get the sheriff
involved in this case.
Oh, I'm all for finding
where the dog sheriff is buried.
I'm all for taking this
all the way
to the Supreme Court!
But I'm not for staying.
I intend to pack,
to be seen to be packing,
and then to get the FBI
and leave for good.
Back to the city,
Darm, to sanity.
That's sanity?
Well, it's sometimes worse,
of course,
but... it's
a little more tolerant.
No more. Not anywhere, Evo.
Nowhere.
That's one reason
I refuse to leave.
Well, what's the other?
Sheer stubbornness.
After all, we aren't dead,
and Blondie didn't bite us
and Hitler can't sh**t straight
and I intend to stay.
They may not want us here,
but they'll have to see us.
I intend to make sure
they really see us.
See how they like that,
living with people
they have to look at.
You're not serious
about staying here, are you?
This is just morning after
bravado, isn't it?
Eventually, we will leave.
-And soon.
-I'm not running away, Evo.
I enjoy walking in these woods.
I can enjoy the distant g*nf*re.
There's always a bigger sheriff
and a better dog,
one we can go to.
And if we have to go to the top,
then we'll go
all the way to Interpol.
Let them try to drive us out.
They'll have to sh**t us first.
I'm not running
away from this w*r.
Why all the bravery,
for heaven's sake?
Because I'm happy here!
I'm not budging.
I want them to see us so often
that they'll see us
every day of their lives,
and then maybe they'll begin
to tolerate and like us.
Or at least like you.
Well, we could always walk
in the other direction,
not go by his house, ignore him
-as much as possible.
-Oh, no.
I intend to walk
in every direction.
And if Blondie bites us,
well, then we'll sue Hitler
out of house and home.
This village is only
the edge of Paradise.
They can't treat us
as though we're invisible.
I'm staying!
It really is light out there.
Look, there's the poor car.
Four flat tires.
The cowards.
And look,
you can see where people
have been walking around.
Or maybe only him.
Footprints in the lawn.
- I hope he gets mud
all over his house.
Are you dressed to go down
to the Mobil Gas sheriff?
I guess so. I'll get my jacket.
-Are you ready?
-Ready and as determined
as I'll ever be.
You're not really serious
about staying here, are you?
Absolutely!
And resolute in my seriousness.
Well, if you stay,
I guess I will too. But...
...wait till the sun
starts to go down tonight,
then you'll start to reconsider.
Tonight we'll be
better prepared, and that's all.
I don't like it
when you get all brave, Darm.
It's just because the sun is up,
and the sun doesn't stay up
very long in winter.
Please get your jacket.
I guess it's time
the barricade comes down.
And maybe now we'll see
whether someone was in the back
or if it was
only your infamous wind.
I don't think
anyone was in there.
Oh, they were in there,
all right?
However many of them there were.
That's all right.
Tonight those windows
will be locked.
Hammered shut, if necessary.
Well, we can't vandalize
the house, Darm.
Oh, yeah? What can be hammered
shut can be clawed free.
Blanca will understand.
Please get your jacket.
Okay. I'll,
I'll only be a minute.
-That was quick.
-Didn't seem as though
anybody had been in there.
How could you tell?
That was the quickest
I've ever seen
you return with your jacket.
I'm still scared, damn it!
Why aren't you?
Because I'm too optimistic
to be scared.
It's an old philosophic
positivism.
And I'm too stoic to be afraid.
And you're right,
that sun has given us
a little more confidence.
That sun and a new day
far outweigh any fear.
I hope we do get the b*stards.
Are you ready to go?
Let's not run.
There's no need
to make a run for it
with the sun up, is there?
Well, if Blondie's body is
on the lawn, walk very quickly.
And if Blondie
is alive and barks,
then it'll be the bark heard
around the world.
Are you sure no one's out there?
I don't see a soul.
But so what?
- Only in the night are they brave...
- real warriors.
Wait a minute,
I think I smell something.
-It's only smoke.
-Do you smell it too?
Of course I smell it.
They're burning the house down.
Oh, no, not that again!
Only this time
they'll succeed.
But so what?
The house will be rebuilt.
I-- I really do smell smoke!
I do too, no doubt now.
Are you ready?
Don't be afraid.
They won't do anything to us.
They have to hide
behind trees to sh**t.
They have to light fires
from the shadows.
They have to strike matches
in the dark.
They have
to declare w*r in a bar.
They are more terrified
of us, Evo,
simply because we are
who we are.
Isn't that pathetic?
To fear and hate people
simply because they are
who they are?
They are the lost ones.
How awful and sad for them.
It almost makes you pity them.
I suggest we run.
Oh, I won't run
now that the sun's up.
But I suggest you keep your hand
on the knife in your pocket.
I'm certainly gonna keep
my hand on mine.
You have a knife too?
Of course!
I may be an optimist,
but I'm not foolhardy.
I really do smell smoke!
I can see it in the air!
Well, then I'd say
it's time to leave.
It's been a rather
creative night if nothing else,
wouldn't you say?
Are you going out that door
or do I have to push you?
I always like
to have a final survey
of the place I'm leaving.
I'm sure it'll be a pile
of evidence when we return.
Take your forensic survey
outside, please.
And please don't run.
Walk very calmly.
Just don't you run.
Oh, I won't run. Ever.
I may walk rather furtively,
but never run.
Never again.
They'll have to k*ll us first.
Let's go, Darm.
Maybe you should take my hand.
You don't have to worry.
I won't run either. Not ever.
Well, I hope they have
a great time putting out
this fire,
because there's
a bigger one coming,
and they won't be able
to put that one out
before it consumes them too.
They have taken on more
than even they,
those poor lost souls,
can extinguish.
I'm sorry, Darm,
but I'm gonna have
to push you out.
Unlock the door.
It's actually a rather
pleasant day out there.
Cold... but the sun has
add its own particular hue
to the landscape,
-don't you think?
-It's lovely.
Now go.
The sun always gives one hope,
doesn't it?
Tell you
when we get to the city,
if it's still there.
Oh, don't worry, Evo.
Nothing can stop a painter
from painting
and a poet from poetizing.
And the sun from rising
out of the ashes of w*r.
So you think
it can't happen here?
So you think
it can't happen to you?
To the world,
to the nation,
to your neighbors,
to your son,
your daughter,
your spouse,
your lover?
Look again.
It already has.
This is an urgent bulletin
from Danielle Bradley,
a Voice of Middle America.
The house of Blanca Dubois,
the great beauty
and well-known local socialite,
has gone up in flames
in the far woods.
And the fire is now spreading
into the surrounding forest
and moving into our village
and appears to be
engulfing the whole nation,
leaving a scorched earth
where once there was
civilized life in America.
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