01x04 - Ashes to Ashes

[bunniefuu]

every time I look at

you I'm so glad that you're the

one I've been growing closer

to as the years of come and

gone sharing for good

o hardly a day

aart hold out side but still young at

[Music]

heart come on come on come on come on

have your

[Applause]

breakfast that's it

[Music]

morning I it's nearly afternoon I'm

retired I'm taking it easy S I always

have a lion on a Saturday well that was

when you were working there's jobs to be

done about the house I'm still waiting

for you to fix those shelves in the

front room I fixed those last Tuesday

yes and they fell down again last

Wednesday oh well well it must have been

the glue anyway I wasn't lying in bed I

was I was taking a bath I know you've

taken all the hot water oh and another

thing next time you take a bath please

pleas don't open the window oh well I

wanted to read them my glasses were all

steamy well when you stand up to dry

yourself close the

window oh Mrs Gibson phoned to complain

she said she could see everything you'd

got well tell the news the old cow she

should be

grateful not everybody gets a chance to

see my manly physique not everybody

wants

to what were you reading up there that

new book you got from the library oh I

haven't read that myself yet where is it

she in the earring

cbard what's it doing in the earring

cupboard drying

out trust you well well I couldn't help

it it slipped out of my hand you see

it'll dry it had better oh there's a cup

of tea in the pot uh well I think I'd

rather have coffee coffee you never have

coffee you've always said the one thing

you look forward to in the morning is a

nice cup of tea well I've um I've

changed my mind oh you are contrary oh

well of course it was too much trouble

no no no if you want coffee I'll make

you coffee

to it's um it's Saturday I know what day

it is you promise I could have a proper

cooked breakfast on a Saturday I haven't

forgotten what would you like oh

anything I don't mind well what do you

fy oh honestly I don't mind anything

well fried egg and bacon oh no not that

no not with my stomach well what then uh

anything except fried eggs and bacon Lo

egg no no no as a matter of fact I've

gone off eggs they're bad for your heart

my heart is bad enough as it is well

Corn Flakes then no they get under me

teeth oh what do you want anything

except fried egg and bacon and boiled

eggs and uh Corn Flakes I tell you what

I just have a Kipper are you quite sure

yes thank goodness for that here's your

coffee thanks I'll just put the Kipper

on hang on me I change my mind you mean

you don't want a Kipper oh I but I think

I'll have tea instead of coffee

oh you are getting awkward I think

you're on the

change you can get your own breakfast

and don't forget to wash up

after you going out no I always put a

raincoat on in the house just in case we

get a shower well well I only asked well

of course I'm going out where you going

to the shops how long will you be as

long as it takes me when will you be

back oh oh I do wish you'd stop asking

me every time I go out where are you

going now what time will you be back I'm

not running off with the Milkman will be

back for dinner I might be and then

again I might not you know where

everything is if you're hungry oh well I

I'll just make do with a bit of cheese

and a biscuit don't worry about me I

won't oh um are you going anywhere near

a chemist why what do you want I want a

a big jar of those pine bath saws

there's a Jar full in the bathroom

there's a jar empty in the bathroom oh

Albert you never used a whole jar in

that bath well not on purpose they were

all stuck together you see and I was

shaking it and they all came out in the

roof oh dear I think you get worse oh

and could you get a new tin of that

talcon powder don't tell me that fell in

the bath too no that went down the

lobby you see I got me my leg up on the

pedestal and I was trying to powder my

foot and the and the top came off it's a

good job you don't have a bath more

often we couldn't afford it hey uh

should I come with with you no no well

it's not much fun for you traing around

the shops well it's not much fun for me

sitting here on my back sign either oh

don't you start getting sorry for

yourself again well uh I'll go out for a

walk that's better go and get a bit of

fresh air cheer yourself up a bit where

will you go the

cemetery the cemetery yes I like it it's

um it's nice and quiet You' be better

off going to the Bowling Green you might

meet some friends friends there at my

time I laugh I got more friends in the

cemetery it's oh hello Barbara I'm just

ready morning Albert how are you oh Mr

Grumble but he

does oh well so um what outing you all

going on me and Mrs col are going

shopping I've come around to get you

company oh that's nice of you Norman Now

isn't that nice of Norman yes yes yes

very thoughtful bye-bye Norman darling

bye-bye sweet

heart ter

Albert see you

later hey Mrs got black dog doing take

the word off your

feet how's retirement bloody boring I

wish I was back at the factory how's

work bloody boring I wish I was

retired you don't know you're

born cigarette oh sir I was asking not

offering sorry

here D what shall we do then oh I don't

mind shall I take you for a walk I'm not

a flaming

spaniel you're a bit touchy this morning

aren't you

yes you know what your trouble is don't

you no no go on and tell me you need a

mate someone your own age you can go out

with how about Sir warber at number

eight

well what about him well he's retired

you could go out with him not flaming

lightly he's a

puff he's not he is he wears scent

that's after shave well I know but

smells like scent anyway I don't like

him for oposit we're totally opposed to

each other you mean he votes Tory no he

supports Port

Vil find somebody else there must be

plenty of old fellas like you knocking

about oh thanks very much why don't you

put a notice in the corner shop oh don't

Mis adapt honestly nor you know there

are times

when Charlie Su Cliff what about him he

used to have that shop on the corner he

sold it about four years ago and moved

to to lton with his sister I I was meant

to go and see him at never at the time

there you are then Charlie

sliff we G all of this together you know

me Ethel Charlie and Agnes before she

passed

away life and soul of the part Charlie

always was why don't you go and see him

I will and you're coming with me oh no I

don't think I said you're coming with me

I want you to meet Charlie you'll like

him besides you can pay my bus Fair

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

this is it number 74

you sure he won't mind me coming with

you no of course not sort of the earth

out charie you'll see hello yes I've

come to see Charlie Charlie SLI oh uh

this is the right house isn't it oh yes

I'm Albert KIA KIA oh you used to live

near him when he had the corner shop

that's right I'm his sister Alice how

very nice of you to come oh not at all

uh this is my next door neighbor Norma

ch pleased to meet you how do you do

he's in the front room would you like to

come in yes

please there he

is it was his heart he didn't feel

anything he looks

well yes they put his teeth

in Prett nice

it's at St Marks what is the funeral you

are coming aren't you oh I don't think

we're yes yes yes of course we are well

I'll leave you alone with him for a few

minutes I don't want to go to a funeral

well it's not my favorite pastime either

what do you say we go for then well uh

in the first place it um shows respect

in the second place um we wouldn't want

to miss the do after would we

to around

Charlie oh my poor feet it was m*rder in

that Supermarket oh it's always crowded

on a Saturday did you get everything you

wanted yes I bought four of those tins

of chunky beef I thought I'd make a a

beef

stew I wouldn't if I were you why not

Albert likes a beef Ste I don't think

he'll like this one well what do you

mean this chunky beef for tented

dogs oh flipping hell well perhaps he

won't notice I wouldn't like to take the

risk it might have nasty

consequences hey might prolong his

active life that's what I'm afraid of oh

well you can always take them back

they'll change them I wonder where

Albert and your Norman have got to

probably in the pub oh well as long as

they're enjoying themselves we therefore

commit his body to the ground Earth to

Earth

ashes to ashes dust to dust in sure and

certain hope of the Resurrection

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

hey look at

that Gabriel blew his horn the Angels

were glad the Pearly Gates were opened

in walk dad touch and we better get a

move on oh we don't want to miss a do

[Music]

oh something the matter Miss sucli

that's Mr clier and his friend that

car's not

ours no no that's another funeral a Mr

Reynolds Oh dear they've gone to the

wrong

[Music]

do sausage roll ver oh Dar will you

Billy have one no they give him

wind it's a sad day yes still he had a

good life oh he did he wanted for

nothing you are very good to him I did

my best it was nice of you and Billy to

come oh well after sure I am your cousin

yeah as his new Overcoat been spoken

for de he's hardly cold in his grave

well I was just thinking it'll do for my

Billy from the look of him I don't think

you'll get much wear out of

it oh he's not being well I still can't

understand why you married him I thought

he'd be company for me you'd be better

off with the

Budgy bottoms up another sausage roll I

wouldn't say no T and how about you Mr

uh Charlton thank you sausage

roll good doing it not bad lovely

funeral if you like that sort of thing I

thought the Vicor spoke well oh very

moving well you gone now y we never see

him again that's true so had a good

Innings how old was it

about the same age as me be your turn

next you know know there times when

you're a great comfort don't mention

it wonder where he is

now

who Charlie I just buried him no no I'm

in his Spirit where's your spirit I

don't believe in spirits only this

sort I'm an agnostic

I thought you were Church of England

there's some Tri if You' like some oh

thanks very much I think we better to go

and find Alice and offer our condolences

I've not seen her about oh excuse me

downstairs on the

left pardon the

doings no no I'm looking for

Alice Alice who Alice the deceased

sister a never had a sister

Arthur Who Arthur Reynolds the

deceased did you hear that Albert I he

said the deceased was someone called

Arthur Reynolds he did do you know what

that means Albert yes Norman we've come

to the wrong funeral

party what are we going to

do well you can please yourself

I'm going to have some more of this

whiskey that you with no it's Meg

Mortimer how is church very uplifting

did you say one for me you de best of

going down there and saying one for

yourself well it's getting a bit hard on

my knees I Saw Alice Sutcliffe she

wondered what where you got to yesterday

you didn't tell her we went to the wrong

de

no I said you were too

upset poor old Charlie uh makes you

think yes yes it does when none of us

getting any younger oh no that's true we

should be looking ahead making

arrangements what do you mean for after

you

know after

what after you've gone

what makes you think I'm going

first but it's a well-known fact that

women live longer than men in any case

there's no harm in being prepared I

thought we'd have a do at the spread

eagle I don't like the spread eagle I

prefer the rifleman's it's more select

the spread eagle is more convenient it's

nearer the

cemetery I don't like the beer at the

spread eagle you won't be having any

will

you yes I will I'm having mine do before

I go you what yes I want to enjoy it too

don't you think it's a good idea I think

it's dumb stupid it's not Dam it's in

the paper I've seen it right here yeah

look at that old Tom goes to his own way

well you're not going to yours why not

it wouldn't be proper well it's my money

it's going to be paying that's got

nothing to do with it I mean what would

we talk about we could hardly say what a

lovely send off we'd given you with you

sitting there swelling Brown a

well it'll save you a lot of bother

later on oh you do have some duffed

ideas no no I mean it you don't yes I do

I'm going out later today I'm going to

book a room at the rifleman's then I'm

going to see Mr warmley who's Mr warmley

The

Undertaker I'm going to pick out my

coffin well while you're about it you

might as well go to the doctor and get

him to examine your headed no I want to

make sure I get a good coffin I think

it's more bit I fancy um polish mahogany

oh why don't you go the whole hog and

have bleached Walnut like our bedroom

suite don't Mock I'm serious a mahogany

coffin will last longer it won't you

know oh yes it will it'll last for ages

when I'm dead and buried you could dig

me up in 10 years time and my coffin

will look as good as new it won't I'm

telling you it will I'm telling you it

won't all right clever clogs why won't

it I'm having you

cremated cremated

yes Over My Dead

Body

exactly now listen I'm the head of this

house and you'll do as I say well I

don't think you're going to say very

much after you've snuffed It Anyway

cremation's healthier well not for me it

isn't anyway I can't stand the heat at

the best of times it brings me out in a

rash listen I want to have a proper

proper burial in the cemetery with

marble chippings a cherub and a white

headstone not not to scattered around

some rose bushes in a Garden of

Remembrance I thought you'd like that

well I don't and I'm not being cremated

and that is final well you don't expect

me to go every week to put flowers on

Your Grave I Shan right I better cook

your a dinner but don't bother I've

eaten what did you have I did myself a

tin of that chunky

beef you didn't yes yes I did yes I

enjoyed it and how do you feel

Champion I feel like a dog with two

tails come in it's your

shop morning Albert hello

Norman what the hell you dress like that

for anybody think you going to a funeral

it's for you it's you're awake

today well I know that we don't have to

act as if I'm already me coffin I

thought we were doing it properly well

why not oh dear we've brought you a

floral

tribute cost a fortune well send it to

the hospital I don't think they'll be

too keen on it it's a cross of flowers

with a card that says gone but not

forgotten trust you will there be many

down at The Rifleman oh about 20 I've

asked several of the lads from work and

then there's my family oh now that's

Alice you know Charlie sli's sister oh

yeah come in in hey come

in oh bloody

nor Barbara are you all

right I always cry at funerals but but

but it's it's only pretend I think we've

overdone it a bit come on Barbara we'll

go and put something more cheerful on

see you

later get aren't you ready yet uh nearly

I always said You' be late for your own

funeral well just slip up and put me TI

on anyone in come in the do's

open hello Ethel oh hello Alice how are

you I mustn't Grumble oh that's the

spirit time's a great healer yes still I

never thought when I saw Albert last

week that I'd be at his wake in a few

days funny isn't it God gives and God

taketh away very true is he in the front

room no he's upstairs in the bedroom oh

did you want to see him well I'd like to

pay my respects oh well I'll give him a

shout hang

on

Albert someone to see

you oh hello Alice oh my God

[Music]

well where's the corpse to be never mind

the corpse to be fill this glass

up hello Norman H yeah what time would I

be here he

won't well he was on his way here when

he stepped out to avoid walking under a

ladder and that's when it happened what

fell over a black cat that was crossing

his

path I'm missing my own weight oh never

mind love I never did did like the idea

I don't want to think of you dying I'm

too fond of you oh that's nice I don't

know what I'd do without you Albert

you've given me over 40 years of

happiness takes two you

know hey come on let's have a drink

later when I come back where you going

the

rifleman's it's all paid for there's no

sense in letting it go to waste ESP when

you see me TOA it's all

come back come back you can't leave me

here hey wait a minute son wait a minute

just a second for every time I look at

you I'm so glad that you're the

[Music]

one I've been growing closer

to as the years are come and gone

sharing for good or

ill hardly a day

upart older out side but still young at

[Music]

heart for