01x02 - Your Happy Makes Me Sad

[bunniefuu]

["Dialing In" playing]

♪ Telephone ♪

♪ Calling me ♪

{\an8}♪ Who put all that
sh*t in your head? ♪

{\an8}♪ Saying things ♪

♪ Telling things ♪

{\an8}♪ Till you break ♪

{\an8}♪ Filthy water ♪

♪ Bubbles up ♪

♪ Who put all the
sh*t in your head? ♪

-[high-pitched ringing]
-[breathing shakily]

[sighs]

[sniffs]

[sniffs, sighs]

[chuckles]

-[Gudsen] Hey.
-[chuckling]

What?

Purity Supreme
m*therf*cking fire.

Get over here right now.

-All right.
-Watch this.

Come here.

[grunts]

-Pay atten... Okay. All right.
-Locked in.

Watch this, watch this.

Right there!

What am I missing?

Really?

Watch again. And...

there.

Where's the limp?

Oh, dude. What? Come on.

Okay, I'll slow it down. Watch.

Slow it down for you.

Come on. Seriously?

-Oh, he's not limping.
-No.

And people who limp don't miraculously
not limp for four full strides.

You know what?

I'm just gonna have to give you the
benefit of the doubt on this one.

-You are smart.
-You're g*dd*mn right I am.

[Gudsen groans]

Hot today. [exhales sharply]

What's this?

Huh?

-What's that?
-Oh, no, no.

You know, i-it's nothing, I mean,
I-I don't wanna rain on your parade.

-Steal your thunder.
-[exhales deeply] f*cking Gudsen.

What do you got?

Well, you know, last night our
Milk Jug as*h*le torched a house

with a baby inside.

-The baby's fine.
-[sighs] sh*t.

Father will need a dozen skin grafts to
resemble anything adjacent to normal.

[sighs] And the
mother's out of a house.

But, before the couple's house
was torched, they went for dinner.

Hmm.

They had a fine old time.

They were happy.

This guy was seen watching them.

This our guy?

This is our guy.

[exhales deeply]

[customer] Freddy. Freddy.

Freddy Fasano!

Ooh! Gimme two of those
fresh cheddy chickas, baby.

And some Cajun tots.

How you doing today, Freddy?

I'm okay, Miss Cephus.

As many times I'm in here,

is as many times I told your
shy a*s to call me Brenda.

So do it. Call me Brenda.

Thank you for choosing Coop's...

Brenda.

When you gonna let
me cut that hair?

There's a handsome
face under all that.

Yo, white boy.

He called me Brenda.

[server] I always
call you Brenda.

Yeah, but he shy.

How come he's so shy?

-How come you so shy?
-I'm not shy, I'm just... [muttering]

-Huh?
-I'm just not used...

He ain't shy. [chuckles]

You gotta watch out
for the quiet ones now.

Lot of times they hide
their intelligence

'cause the world is filled with dumb
assholes consumed with jealousy.

Maybe he'll be the new manager.

Taylor's our manager.

Little b*tch got a
job at a start-up.

He's leaving us.

Freddy Fasano, Manager.

-No.
-What?

Don't let her trip you out, man.

There ain't no ladders
built for the likes of us.

[breathes heavily]
I can't help you.

You sure?

[sighs] Look, I
never saw that guy.

[sighs]

What... [stammers] ...you
think he was at the restaurant?

Yeah, we do.

Why?

[Calderone] Well, we think
he sets fires to people

whose lives he's jealous of.

When you were at the restaurant,
were you having a good time,

joking around?

Enjoying yourself?

So you... [sighs]

You're telling me I'm gonna look
like this for the rest of my life...

because I laughed?

Donald had never known love.

Even his mother poured her
love into other things.

[sighs] Boyfriends mostly.

And the cheap gifts
they bought her.

Booze.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[clicks tongue] Whoa.

Do you need help?

Nope. No, no. I got this.

You, read.

[sighs]

[clears throat]

[chuckles]

It's good. It's good.

What, the pasta?

The pasta, yeah, honey.

No, the book.

It's good.

What'd you like most?

I like all the fire stuff.

It's so real, it feels
like you're there.

-At the fires?
-Mm-hmm.

-Yeah.
-And in the office,

the sense of the job
was... was great.

Hmm.

[sighs]

Anything else?

Maybe a few women characters
to balance out the...

I don't know, dude-ness.

So you're saying
it's dude-heavy?

[chuckles] Very dude-heavy.

Like dude-centric.

But otherwise?

Like, overall?

It's good.

Yeah.

f*ck yeah.

When I started at
Coop's, I was a fry cook.

Back then, I had no idea I had
what it took to be a manager.

Coop's believed in me when
I didn't believe in myself.

What makes Coop's different is
that we're not just about chicken.

We're about community.
Diversity and inclusion.

There's room in this
henhouse for everyone.

If you care about teamwork,
safety, and sanitation,

and you believe customer
service is no yolk,

then fill out our online
management application.

All you need is a
high school diploma.

Join the Coop's family.

Where birds of a
feather, flock together.

[sighs]

[sniffs]

[breathes shakily]

[server] You didn't
graduate high school?

Nah.

Even I pulled that
sh*t off. [chuckles]

Got my GED in my 20s.

So there you go.

It said "high school diploma."

Yeah, well they left
off "or equivalent"

'cause I know at least three managers
in this company that only got GEDs.

That's for real, man.

D'Ondre Walker?

Runs the one on the corner
of Avon and 16th. GED.

Kendra what's-her-name?

Who used to run the
one on Robertson

till she got caught f*cking
that 16-year-old cashier?

GED, brother.

Ah, but Coop's, they
start their managers off

at less than what an employee
with your time in makes already.

So time you make any real
money, it's, like, 2035, man.

And you're like, what...
[chuckles] ...60?

Huh?

No...

I'm 43.

[chuckles] 43?

That's been a tough
four decades, dawg.

Damn.

[chuckles] Oh, okay, well...

[chuckles] You're 43.

That's, like, 600 in
the corporate world.

All right, just best...
stay where you're at.

I don't wanna stay where
I'm at... [mutters]

Enunciate, m*therf*cker.

You don't have dreams...

what do you have?

This.

I don't like this.

[scoffs] No one does.

[cell phone chiming]

Hey, what's up?

[sister-in-law] Guess how many
times I've been to McDonald's today?

[chuckles] How many times?

-Twice?
-[chuckles] You're psychic.

-[chuckles]
-Say "hi," Sophie.

[imitates growling]
There's my monster.

Sophie got a burger
for lunch today,

but we had to go back because
they put a pickle in it.

-Girl threw a fit.
-[Sophie] I didn't threw a fit.

[chuckles]

You acted like they were
trying to poison you.

-[Sophie] No.
-[chuckling]

[sister-in-law chuckles] So, what
time can I bring her over on Thursday?

6:00 too early?

Uh, no, 6:00 is fine.

-Mmm. My queen.
-Um.

I got a letter from
the parole board.

Right. Benji told me about that.

Yeah?

What did he say?

Just that it was happening.

Mm-hmm.

Mich?

Yeah.

She's not gonna get out.

It's not like she's in there
for civil disobedience.

People died.

Yeah, they did.

All right. I'll hit you later.

-All right?
-All right. Bet.

-All right. Bye.
-Thank you.

[sighs]

[train whistle blowing]

[train brakes squeaking]

-[exhales deeply]
-Hey, you gave him too much distance.

Distance is fine.

You're gonna lose
him at the light.

Where'd you learn your, uh,
POST pursuit course again?

Oh. Well, I don't know
what that is, so...

Oh. He doesn't
know what that is.

I'll give you a hint.

You know POST is...
it's an acronym.

-P-O-S-T.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-It's a good idea. Training.
-Peace Officer Standards and Training.

Yeah. So it's where you learn how
to drive like a cop. [chuckles]

There's also PIT, EVOC, not to
mention, uh, C.R.I. Tactical,

-which I learned in the service.
-Point... Point taken, Detective Calderone.

Oh, oh, what's that?
Say that again now?

I think you mean, uh, "Detective,
how could I have ever doubted you?

-You're so f*cking smart, and brilliant."
-[chuckles]

-[both chuckling]
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey. Can you remind me what
an engineer does again?

Oh, wow.

Okay, you're gonna beat that
horse till it f*cking rots.

-I know you are.
-Yeah.

[chuckles]

[Calderone] This isn't where
he lives though, right?

[Gudsen] Mmm.

He has a house in Gelford.

Maybe this is where he keeps all
his mementos from the fires. [sighs]

-[sighs]
-Could get a warrant.

Find out.

Search the trailer of a fireman

whose only crime, far as we can
tell, is no-showing his job?

[Calderone sighs]

Wake me if he comes out. [sighs]

You wanna stay?

[yawns] That's the job.

[exhales sharply]

How come you get to nap?

-I did all the driving.
-Oh.

You in trouble with the law, daughter?
You know I can't help you with that.

I'm sorry. Can I not
just stop by and say hi?

Sure, but you never do.

[sighs] I need the keys
to the lake house, please.

Ah, weekend in paradise.

Jeffrey got the day off?

No, um, the wedding planner
needs to do a walk-through.

She has to see how to
arrange the chairs.

Pretty sure the chairs are going
to be facing you and Jeffrey.

It's not rocket science.

[sighs] She has to... [stammers]
...like, measure the deck.

-My deck?
-Yes.

Where the-the vows
will be exchanged.

I see you furrowing that
Englehart brow there.

-Everything okay?
-Yeah, no, yes.

I just... I need to get to
work, so, could you please?

Mm-hmm.

Sure everything's all right?

Yes. I would tell
you if it wasn't.

Your bait and tackle box
will remain unmolested.

You're a credit
to your ancestors.

-This is great. Thank you.
-Good.

[chuckles] Okay.

Love you, bug.

Five whole days of this sh*t.

-[sighs]
-[chuckles]

-And nights.
-Mmm.

If he's the arsonist, he's
definitely on sabbatical.

[breathes heavily]

Afraid so. [sighs]

[grunts] Hallelujah.

[inhales deeply, blows]

-Hey. Yo.
-Yo.

[laughs] Someone make
a trip to Marshalls.

Ah, Kohl's.

And you were right
about the GED.

Mm-hmm.

Human resources sent
me an application.

Sky's the limit then, dawg.

-[Brenda chatters, laughs]
-[friend laughs]

Yo, baby, give us two Brekkie
Chicka Waffle sandwiches,

an order of the French
toast sticks and, uh...

-You want coffee?
-Mm-hmm.

Two coffees. Extra large.

Uh, cash or charge?

That ain't how you
do customer service.

-That how you do customer service?
-Not by a damn sight.

Got to put some honey
into it, little boy.

"Is that everything,
ladies?" Try that.

-Is that everything...
-[both] Ladies.

Ladies.

Ooh. Now there's
a man with a plan.

You're doing it, aren't you?

[laughs] He's doing it.

Honey, this is Freddy.

-Freddy, Darlene works at my shop.
-[Darlene] Hi.

Freddy's a man of few
words. Strong, silent type.

-[Darlene] Oh.
-You think he could use a cut?

What's the occasion?

-He's going for a promotion.
-Oh, then for sure. High and tight.

I was thinking the same. What you
doing after work today, Freddy?

-I don't know.
-[Brenda] Well, I do.

You come by my shop. We'll get
you looking all Fortune 500.

Oh, I can't.

Why not?

[cashier] Order up!

See you at 5:00.

And it's on the house, Freddy.

"I like you,"

said Donald.

"But I do not like
you," replied Beatrice.

"That could be a problem,"

Donald told her menacingly.

H... [sighs]

How long have you been there?

'Bout half a minute.
What you doing?

I, uh...

Well, I...

I'm writing a book.

It's easier if I dictate.

-[clears throat]
-Wow.

Okay.

[clears throat]

Investigator David Gudsen.

What? He's writing a book.

-Okay. What's it about?
-Stuff.

Yeah, well, tell
me. I want to know.

No.

What do you mean, "no"?

Why not?

-Because you'll give me sh*t about it.
-I'm not gonna gi...

-Hmm?
-Yeah. You know, you're right.

Smart move, man.

Protect yourself, Dave.

So what's it about?

[chuckles] Ah.

[chuckles]

[inhales sharply] Can I
get a signed copy one day?

Course. [clears throat]

I'd like that.

I'd like to...

sign one to you.

f*ck. To anyone. [scoffs]

[sighs]

The f*ck am I missing, man?

Nothing.

Two weeks.

Nothing.

Not a car torching, a f*cking
dumpster, a warehouse alley.

Nothing.

He knows he's in
our sights, or...

he's laying low.

f*cking Milk Jug
though. [scoffs]

I mean, uh, we might never
even hear from him again.

[scoffs] No, no, no, no, no.

[chuckles] No, no.

[stammers] I can't
live with that.

Abso-f*cking-lutely not.
I-I need this, okay?

I need to reel in a
g*dd*mn whale right now.

I can't get out unless I
nail him or f*cking him.

[inhales deeply] Or
f*cking both of them.

[sighs]

[Brenda sighs]

You have beautiful hair.

Kinda hair my son had.

Kinda hair warriors had.

Your people were warriors.

Mine too, but no more.

[clears throat]

How we fight now
is to be invisible.

But with a smile.

They can't hurt
what they can't see.

Exactly.

You have a son?

[inhales sharply] Had.

[clears throat]
He's with God now.

I like to cut this tight
and high with a mid-fade.

I-I have big ears.

That's what you afraid of?

I have bug eyes.

This is you.

[Harvey] Oh. That's gotta hurt.

See, that's why I get
the bulls out early.

So much pressure to close them
at the end. It's terrible.

Are you done?

-Are you?
-Well.

You miss this, I got three
tries at that fat, little 17,

and you'll live a
life of ignominy...

-[laughs]
-[grunts]

-God.
-f*ck you.

[laughs, sighs]

I fear that serving of
ignominy is coming my way.

"Ignominy"?

Don't try and language-shame me
for my impeccable vocabulary.

Another libation?

Well, you just said it
twice. No, I'm good.

Gotta get back to Ashley.

How is the lady of the house?

She's all right.

That good, huh?

Sometimes, uh, I just feel...

I feel, I'm not saying
it's scientific fact,

like every day I wake up on trial and
I gotta prove I'm not a piece of sh*t.

And if I do, the next day
we're back at square one.

That sounds...

exhausting.

[exclaims] She's
carrying a lot of stress.

She's a librarian.

What's she stressed
about? Late fees?

Emmett.

Yeah, he's kinda...

mopey.

Hmm.

That's your fault?

Everything's my fault.

It's marriage.

[chuckles]

No, it's not.

I'm fine.

[chuckles] We're fine.

Then you're fine.

To the scene...

of the crime?

Of course you
f*cking do, my man.

[notification tone beeps]

[hisses]

[thunder rumbling]

[sighs]

-[clicking]
-[gasps]

[grunting]

[screaming, groaning] Oh, God!

-Don't you move.
-[grunting]

Don't you f*cking move!

[grunts] Ow!

This ain't my
first bunker, Arch.

[Arch] Get me a doctor.

Who else is here?
Who else is here?

-[grunts]
-Who else is f*cking here?

-Who else would be here? Get me a doctor!
-Who else is here? Don't you f*cking...

-I'll blow your brains...
-You're breaking my wrists!

-f*cking hurt... [speaks indistinctly]
-Who else is here?

[Arch pants]
There's no one here.

[grunts] Ah! Ah.

[grunts, panting]

A doctor! I have f*cking rights!

Civil rights advocate?

Doesn't seem on-brand, Arch.

[pants]

[grunts, screams] f*ck! f*ck!

Oh, f*ck. [grunts]

-[pants]
-Why do you set fires?

-I don't set fires.
-Why do you set fires, Arch?

-I don't set fires. [screams]
-Why do you... set f*cking fires?

-I don't set fires. Look around.
-Why do you set fires?

There's no incendiary devices.
No f*cking accelerants!

Ah, f*ck!

[panting]

Okay, so if you don't set fires,
why are you never at work? Huh?

[screams] f*ck.

-Huh?
-Oh, God! [grunting, panting]

-Oh, f*ck!
-Damn it, you better stop lying to me!

You know how hard it is
to build a place like this

and hold down a job? Huh?

Do you think I'm gonna add
f*cking arson on the list,

you f*cking genius?

Oh... Oh, you
f*ck... Oh, f*ck...

You better have a f*cking
warrant, you stupid f*cking twat!

Ow, f*ck!

Oh, God!

[screams, cries]

[pants] Where the
f*ck are you going?

[panting]

[thunder rumbling]

-[panting]
-[thunder rumbling]

[grunts]

[radio chatter]

[groans]

Jesus. You're
oversteering, you idiots.

Oh, God.

[grunting]

You observed him
walking to the truck?

[sighs] Yeah, I see he's carrying
the pig, something else, he had...

Pig?

M60.

You know, the big
machine g*n. It's...

[chuckles] We called it the
"pig," you know, in the service.

So, he loads it in the
truck, goes back inside...

-At which point you breached the gate?
-I went to the truck.

Yeah. Not only do I see
the pig, I see a 240.

I'm thinking Newtown. I'm thinking
f*cking Vegas. You know...

[Arch] Every word she says is a
f*cking lie. You f*cking liar!

I will f*cking end your career.

You're f*cking done!

-Ow, f*ck! [groans]
-Why didn't you call it in right then?

That m*therf*cker would've been
able to come back out with more.

Put on body armor.

How many of us might not have made
it home trying to take him like that?

[sighs]

[grunts]

[breathes deeply]

[cell phone buzzes]

Hey, Harv.

Hey, you comin' to the gin mill?

Tonight? No. I, uh...

I'm already home.

Well, your partner gets a righteous
sh**t, and you're gonna stay home, huh?

My partner, what?

Put two in Arch
Stanton's thighs.

One on each side of his d*ck.

Stanton was gonna go
Columbine or some sh*t.

She popped him
and called in A*F.

This crazy son of a b*tch
had an entire bunker

underneath his trailer.

[Gudsen] Hey, babe.

[breathes deeply]

[sighs]

Babe.

We, um...

We have a crisis to discuss.

Can I go first?

What?

My partner shot a guy today.

Were you with her?

No, no.

-Well, is he dead?
-No.

She shot a guy, and
she's treated like a hero

even though the guy isn't
our f*cking arsonist.

And, cherry on top...
[inhales deeply]

I got rejected by an
agent today. [sighs]

Are you through?

Trying to share some f*cking
pain here. [chuckles]

Emmett's father is
moving 2,000 miles away.

Gerard.

He got a job.

Tenure track. He has
to take it. He...

He leaves next week.

Yeah, Emmett can go to college there
for almost nothing, but until then...

he's gonna be devastated.

-Gerard?
-Emmett.

Oh.

Free tuition though.

He'll move in h-here
with us full time?

That's cool.

Mm-hmm. We'll adjust.

Hey.

We're in this together.

For sure.

I got you.

What do you wanna do
about dinner, huh?

Ash.

[smacks lips] I'm not hungry.

You'll be hungry.

If you're hungry, you
should order something.

I'm not hungry. I'm just saying
as a family, we'll get hungry.

-So, what do you want...
-Order whatever you want.

Enough for Emmett too.

-Okay. So, should I just...
-Just handle it, Dave.

I got an idea.

[chuckles]

["Bang!" plays]

[all] ♪ Bang, bang, bang! ♪

["Bang!" continues]

[all] ♪ Bang, bang, bang! ♪

♪ Let's go out with a
bang Bang, bang, bang! ♪

Oh, uh-oh!

E-man!

Dad picked me up from school.

I wanna hug you.

Uh, I'll probably
f*cking lose it.

Whoa, okay.

Mind the language, bro.

[sniffs] Got food from that
hot chicken place you like.

I already ate. [sniffles]

More for me. [grunts]

[sniffles]

It's like...

What?

[sniffles] All-All I've ever wanted
out of this sh*t deal was both of you.

-And-And...
-I know.

[sighs] And now he's...

-he's leaving, so...
-I know, baby. I'm sorry.

-[sniffles]
-[Gudsen] Hey, you know what?

Don't worry about it, bro.

I'm here for you.

I couldn't really
give less of a f*ck.

[Gudsen] What'd
you just say to me?

Did I stutter?

You know, you get
three squares a day.

People who care about you.

You care for me? Okay.

-A roof over your f*cking head...
-Ease up.

It's her roof.

Plenty of kids lose parents for real,
but you know what they do about it?

-Her roof!
-They shut the f...

[Emmett breathes shakily]

Whoa.

Let's all just...

[breathes shakily] Uh...

Well, I'm clearly not
helping here. [chuckles]

I'm gonna step out.

[breathes heavily, sniffles]

Oh, baby.

[sniffles]

Shoving off, milady.

-[chuckles]
-Badass sh**t today.

-Thank you, kind sir.
-[chuckles]

[chuckles] Where's Dave?

Dave. Yeah, he doesn't, uh, show
up for these kind of things.

Yeah?

Skipped more retirement
parties than I can count.

Dave skipped my
commendation party.

[clicks tongue]
Yeah, he's, uh...

[sighs] Dave celebrates Dave.

Kind of a one-way
street in that regard.

Don't sh**t off any more phalluses
before I'm back on duty, huh?

It was his thighs.

But where were you aimin'?

[clicks tongue]

[scoffs]

Okay. Shots are up!

[cheering]

[Steven] No? Anymore,
buddy? There ya go.

You had enough?

[sighs] There she is.

-[sighs]
-I figured you'd come out for a smoke.

Fresh air.

I can do fresh air.

-[chuckles] No, you can't.
-Yes, I f*cking can. You watch me now.

You watch me.

So, you're gonna be telling
your grandkids this story, huh?

-It's a hell of a story.
-Hell of a story.

-It's a hell of a g*dd*mn story. [laughs]
-My God.

Wow.

[laughs]

-What?
-[stammers]

-What?
-Some stories are airtight and some leak.

-And mine?
-It's the f*cking Titanic.

-[sighs]
-You kidding me?

You know one of your
slugs landed a half inch

from his f*cking femoral artery?

Imagine if he f*cking died.

Then your "story"

would've attracted
a lot more scrutiny.

Think it would hold up?

No.

Stanton's femoral artery wasn't the
only thing to dodge a b*llet today.

[sighs]

He asked me how he
could be an arsonist

when he spends all his free time
building his f*cking bunker.

[laughs] Well, I mean,
it's a fair point.

He's not our guy. What
do you want me to say?

Nope.

Once we cross-reference the
fires with his f*cking receipts

for cement, g*ns,
porn, whatever...

he's gonna be ruled out.

Yeah. You're probably right.

-[sighs]
-Got any other suspects?

Active firefighters? No.

Former firefighters?

Just one.

[exhales deeply]