02x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

(police siren blaring)

- [Narrator] Coming up.

- Jamie!

- [Narrator] A shoplifter gets lifted.

- I actually do need the pants.

Gimme the pants.

(police siren blaring)

- [Narrator] An archeological thief gets pinched.

- Oh!

- [Narrator] And a criminal clown is collared.

- You're at it, Bongo.

- [Narrator] Just another day at the office

for the officers of the Scottish Police Force.

- Didn't expect that, did I?

- [Narrator] This is "Scot Squad".

(exciting music)

(police siren blaring)

(upbeat dance music)

It's another busy day

for Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

- Well, I wanna make sure that some of the internet

doesn't happen again.

- [Narrator] And at the coalface of crime,

he's got more to deal with than minor problems.

- Something that always surprises the public

is what we do with the stolen goods,

'cause obviously, we recover so many, we're good at our job.

So, the warehouse is absolutely busting.

It's like the Amazon office down there with stolen goods.

What we find is that a lot of the times,

the people who've been stolen off don't want them back.

And fair enough, they've paid their insurance, you know?

You get your golf clubs nicked,

you don't want your old golf clubs back, between you and me.

You want a new set of golf clubs.

So, what do we do with it?

Well...

We sell it.

They say crime doesn't pay.

Well, it does for us. (laughs)

We flog it off.

We get high on our own supply

and it is perfectly legitimate.

We don't sell everything.

I mean, believe me, we could make a lot more money

if we could sell the drugs.

But that's just absolute no-go.

Weaponry.

Now, that's an interesting one,

because there are gray areas.

The sgian-dubh, the little knife that goes in the sock.

That's fair enough.

But beyond that, I don't think you can go.

We recovered a bazooka in Airdrie once,

and that just had to be

passed straight on to the powers that be.

So, I hear what you're saying,

the government sells weaponry willy nilly around the world,

so why can't we?

I hear what you're saying,

and that's, you know...

Maybe that's a debate for another day.

All I'm saying is at the moment,

is currently, where we are now,

we do not sell weaponry to the public.

- [Narrator] The public are everywhere,

and using his very particular set of skills,

Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie will hunt them down

and help them all.

- Sometimes, in this job,

you don't know how you're going to help people,

but you always manage to help people.

Today, I was just going for my lunch,

and I seen a lost-looking man.

Can't help but noticing, sir, that you're a wee bit...

- Blind, aye, how.

- Well, blind, yeah,

I wasn't sure if that was the correct PVC term for it.

- The correct what term?

- PVC.

- PC, politically correct? - Yeah.

- What do you think the politically correct term is?

- Visually disabled.

- Visually disabled?

- Well, no, no, no, visually...

- What about just disabled?

- Yeah, sorry, sir.

- Bit awkward now.

(Ken clears throat)

Would you like a...

Like a hand?

- I'm needing to buy some clothes, so can you...

- Of course. - What can I...

What can I... - And this is actually

a shop of various things, like food and clothing.

So you could get... - Is it a supermarket?

- That's exactly what it is. - Just say that, then!

- Sorry.

- I've got a gig on, could you give me a hand

doing this shopping? - Of course.

Of course, sir, yes, I'll give you a hand.

This is actually automatic doors.

- Aye, don't worry about the doors,

they'll automatically open.

- They do, that's why they're called automatic,

isn't it? - Exactly.

- So, you do need to...

- [Narrator] From opening doors to closing cases,

(police siren blares)

Officers McLaren and Fletcher nail the guilty.

- It's crude,

it's rude,

it's offensive towards food.

- Oh, Arnie Schwarzenegger, put your top on, eh?

- [Narrator] And are guilty themselves

of protecting the innocent.

- It's part and parcel of police work.

We're there for everyone, regardless of who you are.

We're there for everyone.

But particularly, I'd say the vulnerable in society.

Ah.

- Hello! - Hello!

- Mrs. McKelvie, how nice to see you.

- Oh, it's so nice to see... - Do you remember us?

- I do, indeed. - Jack and Sarah, uh-huh.

- Yes, it's very kind of you to be keeping an eye on me.

- Maybe people who can't help themselves

or don't have anyone to help them.

You know, we're there for them.

- [Radio Officer] Burglary in progress,

burglary in progress.

- [Narrator] Later that day,

the officers hear of a break-in

back at the old lady's house.

- Copy that. - Mrs. McKelvie, go.

- Mrs. McKelvie.

Mrs. McKelvie's, right.

Right, go, Jack. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Right, hurry.

(police siren blares)

- I can't believe that, we've just seen her today.

She's about year old.

Her heart willnae take it.

It breaks your heart,

you just think it's one of your own.

You think, that could have been my gran, you know,

could have been your mum,

could have been anybody, you know.

So, we get there as fast possible,

'cause you're worried, you know, you are worried about them.

- What's happening? - We got your call.

- [Mrs. McKelvie] Well, yes!

Come!

Oh!

- Mrs. McKelvie.

Is there anyone still in the house?

- He's in the living room.

- He's in the living room. - In the living room.

If you stand back,

Mrs. McKelvie. - Stand back, Mrs. McKelvie.

Stand back, we'll take... - We'll deal with this, okay?

- Oh, I'll go in there.

- Oh!

What...

- [Jack] Who did this to him?

- I did.

He had no right to come into my house!

I saw this strange man

and I...

I picked up this brush.

- I think we'll just leave that there, yeah.

I think we've done enough damage with the brush.

(Jack laughs nervously) - And I just bashed him.

- Uh-huh. - He had no right to be here.

- Quite...

Quite a few times you bashed him,

by the looks of things, eh?

- He's not...

He's not dead, is he?

- He's not dead, no.

- Well, I... - Unfortunately,

we're gonna have to take you down to the station.

- Jack, do we have to?

- Oh! - Erm, yes.

- [Mrs. McKelvie] When I saw his face...

- You decided to panel-beat it.

- Well, I didn't like it.

- Aye, well, clearly you didn't like it!

- And remember belt.

Safety first, Mrs. McKelvie. - Yes.

- [Jack] It turns out that

Mrs. McKelvie could certainly handle herself.

- But that won't stop us calling in on her

on a Thursday afternoon on our rounds.

- No. - For a Bakewell tart.

- Certainly wouldnae mess with her.

I'd say.

- Mm. (tense music)

- [Narrator] As a criminal gets smashed,

Ken Beattie has a bash

at helping this man shop for clobber.

- I was more than happy to help,

so I led him inside by the arm

and guided him around aisles.

- [Jamie] What's this one here?

- White trousers, size...

- I'm needing a pair of white...

- .

- I'm needing a pair of size white trousers.

(tense music)

- That's it. - Oh, that's a nice...

Is that a bag?

- That's a handbag, yeah.

So, it's white.

- Round. - This one.

So, you, like, put it over your shoulder.

- I know how a bag works.

- Sorry, Jamie.

Okay, we've got everything...

- You all right with that basket?

- It's getting there.

- It's getting quite heavy.

'Cause you are, what are you, about four foot?

- Five foot two. - Five foot two.

It's a good height for a boy.

- I'm a man.

It's like a T-shirt with a tail.

If you wanted to hide your bum area.

- Ah.

- So, it's like the T-shirt's quite high,

and then there's, like, a bum guard.

- That's cracking.

- Oh, okay.

It's coming up to a corner, now.

Now, we can go left or right.

- Oh, that's like most corners, Ken.

(tense electronic music)

- There's more T-shirts and stuff there.

- Oh, boy, oh, two of them.

- That says "Nice to..."

"Nice to eat you".

- Nice to eat... (laughs)

- And it's got a shark on it.

(Jamie laughs) That's quite good,

actually, isn't it?

- [Jamie] That is really funny, actually,

we'll take four of them. - Four?

- Aye, they're cracking.

- Arr!

You seen "Jaws"?

- I've not seen "Jaws", no.

- [Ken] Of course you've not.

- It's all right, Ken, I've heard it.

Splash of water. - So, when you hear

the splash of water, you know that's, like, the shark.

- And then when you hear that one guy that was talking

isnae talking anymore,

you know that he was the one that was eaten.

- I might start watching films with my eyes closed,

actually. - Aye.

- Suppose a silent film, though, like "The Artist",

that'd be pretty... - Nothing,

nothing for me, nothing for me.

- Nice music.

- Charlie Chaplin, w*nk*r.

- [Narrator] One man who has no time to shop

is Scotland's busiest man,

Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

- Today, I'm having a round with a few of the boys

from the Federation of Small Businesses.

Bit a charity fundraiser.

You know, it's...

It means I get to give something back to the community

and you know, get to police the mean streets

of a beautifully manicured fairway.

You fancy making it interesting?

- Absolutely.

- Okay, what do you say, % of your company.

(all laughing)

- That's more than you make in a year.

(Cameron laughs)

I'll tell you what, % of my company,

% of your forces back in Aberdeen.

- Ah, well, what would we do that for?

It's only rustling up there, isn't it? (laughs)

Come on, boys.

I'd take out your binoculars, if I were you.

Oh, geez!

- (laughs) I think I'll need to phone

Search and Rescue for that one!

- Don't talk during my backswing!

- (laughs) I'm sorry.

- We...

Good luck!

- We've more chance of finding Lord Lucan

than we have of finding your ball in here.

- Yeah.

You made that joke in the last hole.

I'm still laughing at it.

- All right, actually on your mark, though.

- It's on the mark.

Son, it's on the mark. - No, it's nae!

That's an extra half inch in front there, man.

You're supposed to stand for law and order,

nae cheating, you ken. - This is...

I am the law!

- Where am I looking for? - Something glinting there.

- Glinting?

- Oh, no, sorry, mate, got it.

It was right here, okay.

Are you making a humming noise?

- I'm nae making a

humming noise. - You're making...

- Sure it's nae tinnitus for the sirens?

- Shush.

(Cameron sighs)

- Putt away.

- What?

- Putt away.

- It's dead, it's stone dead.

You're not gonna make me putt that.

- Come on, man! - You're not gonna

make me putt that.

Oh, for (beep) sake.

- Short again.

- (beep) Oh...

- Super. - Unbelievable.

- Good shot.

- [Narrator] Back in the supermarket,

Ken Beattie's good deed is almost done.

- Very good, genuinely, thank you very much.

- Thank you so much, Jamie. - But to be honest,

I am a bit of what only be described as a shopaholic.

I've taken too much.

There's absolutely no way

my benefit check is gonna stretch to all this.

Would you be able to take that back and...

- Oh, sure.

- I'm just gonna take these because I think that's all...

- You sure? - I can afford, yeah.

- He suddenly decided he had too much clothes in his basket,

which I kind of thought he did,

but I didn't want to...

You know, I didn't want to be too pushy

'cause I was already pushing him around physically.

I didn't want to do it mentally, as well.

So, I decided to take some of the clothes back for him.

And I turned around and...

Jamie!

He was fleeing the scene with his stick.

Jamie!

You shoplifted, didn't you?

- Shoplifted what?

- Shoplifted those T-shirts.

I seen you with my own eyes.

- I bought them.

- You didn't buy them.

Show me the receipt, then.

- I've not got it, I threw it in the bin.

- No, show me it.

You have shoplifted.

- Have you got a...

Have you got a DVD player?

- Keep your hands off.

- [Jamie] Have you got a DVD player at home?

- Yes. - Yeah?

How about that?

- No, okay?

That is a...

That is a bribe.

That is blackmail.

I have got a camera. - You can only...

- And I have got you... - Oh!

- What?

- [Jamie] You've taken my white stick.

- Sorry.

It's caught. - Hey.

What is your problem?

- He was using his blindness as a cloak of invisibility.

- No, no, I need...

I actually do need the pants.

Gimme the pants, come on.

- I can't give you the pants. - Gimme the pants.

- So, whether he was blind or able-sighted,

no difference to me.

You shoplift,

I'm taking you down.

And I did take him down.

Blind prison.

He may have been blind, but justice is not.

Blind.

(uplifting music)

- [Narrator] The unified Scottish Police Force

speaks with one clear voice.

- Police emergency, how may I be of assistance?

- [Narrator] And that voice is vocalized

through the vocal chords of Maggie LeBeau.

- The thing is, you have to have

the right shaped hands for it.

I've got great, fantastic, supportive colleagues,

and I mean, it's a really thrilling place to work.

Vibrant and exciting.

This is my desk, where all the action happens.

Over here, we have Liam in today.

He's great fun, very nice, very nice teeth.

We also, we have got Ben and we have got Jill.

Kenny's not here.

Kenny is the banter.

He's kind of like our office joker.

Squids.

I mean, who has squids on their desks?

Kenny has squids on his desk.

This, hilarious.

Fruit-and-khamun.

We have a picture of a mole, like a police mole.

This is a wee replica of his dog, which died.

And the ashes are actually in here.

- Well, seven down, seven to play.

It's no looking good, Chief.

- Seven down, seven to play.

People come back from worse, by the way.

(man laughs)

- Oh, geez. (man laughs)

(bystander screams) Oh, Jesus!

- Jesus, guys, come on!

- You all right, lad?

How you doing?

- Oh, it's a bad one.

That's a bad one.

Yeah.

How you doing?

Cameron Miekelson, Chief of Police.

Okay, that's who you've been hit by.

You'll always remember that day, okay.

Ach, he's not looking good.

- He's fine. - No, no.

- He's standing up,

he's fine. - He's not...

No, no, no, listen.

I'll get you to hospital.

I'm the Chief of Police.

I'm not... - Hospital,

he doesn't need hospital!

- I'm not taking no for an answer,

you're coming with me, we'll get you checked out.

We don't want you seeing turtles

crawl up the wall tonight. - What about our game,

I've got money riding on this game now.

- Call it a draw.

- A draw?

- [Cameron] Call it a draw.

- You hit somebody in the coupon and it's a draw!

- It's a draw, seven to play.

Evens.

All right.

It's okay, cheers, now, boy.

Well, the golf day was very successful.

An unsuccessful end, of course.

The poor gentleman that got hit with the...

With the golf ball.

It happened at a difficult time,

'cause I was really just finding my range.

When you think of how difficult it is

to hit a man right on the napper

from yards at that kind of angle through the trees,

then it shows you that I was really

coming onto my game, you know.

If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna send the gentleman

who took it on the napper a little Get Well card.

The thing here is, I need to...

To convey my condolences and best wishes,

but not give him a glimmer of hope of any legal redress.

You know, I can't take any responsibility.

So, I've settled on,

"Sorry to hear that you were hit by an object

on a golf course, whilst not taking due care and attention.

Best wishes, Cameron Miekelson."

- [Narrator] Someone whose middle name

is due care and attention

is Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Due Care and Attention Miller.

- I take it as a matter of personal pride,

that no matter who comes through that door.

- All right, Officer Karen.

- They are going to be treated exactly the same way.

See, the next thing I need you to do,

is go and phone the doctor.

I don't care if you're a beggar or a king.

I don't care if you are Victoria Beckham

or Victoria Sticky Vicky Jenkins,

who lives on the scheme up the end of the street,

you're going to get treated exactly the same way.

- All right, Officer Karen,

how you doing? - All right, Bobby.

- I got a wee present for you.

- What are you...

Why were you standing outside eating...

Eating a banana?

- Because you're no allowed to eat in police stations.

- Yeah, actually, it's all right...

- I got these as a present for you.

- I'm not...

I'm not very fond of bananas.

- Normally, it's pence a banana,

but I managed to get them three pence a banana.

- Right.

If you can just take them out the station,

that would be great.

- You wanna see how fast I can eat them?

- Not really.

- Are you counting? - Mm-hmm.

- You got me for two?

- No doubt that you can manage two,

I just, I'd really rather you didn't.

- I'm like banana man.

Two.

Easy.

That went down there easy.

That's three, Officer Karen. - Uh-huh.

Are you okay?

- My fourth one, doing this a marathon.

Are you counting?

- I cannae...

I cannae really take my eyes off it, to be honest, Bobby.

- Officer Karen, I'm good for four.

Oh, no, Officer Karen!

(Bobby retching)

Two seconds, Officer Karen.

(Bobby retching loudly)

(toilet flushing)

Aye, that's me, Officer Karen, don't worry about it.

- Mm.

- I won't be doing that again.

- No.

Are you all right?

- Aye, I'm all right.

Are you all right?

- Aye, well...

- I better go because my leg's starting to go numb.

Right.

Bye-bye.

See you later, right? - See you later, Bobby.

- Bye.

(tense electronic music)

- [Narrator] To be a traffic cop,

you need good eyes, patience, and a long memory.

And Officers Singh and McKirdy have all that

between them.

- The thing with this job is that you will come across

people who you have apprehended before.

Case in point, a little while ago, we noticed a car,

which the brake lights weren't working on the car.

So, we decided to pull the chap over

and just have a chat with him.

- So, how does that manage to pass an MOT?

- What's that?

- It's a certificate you have to get

to make sure the car is roadworthy,

that you can drive it. - It's on the road, though.

- Yeah, but it's not safe. - I can drive it.

- But it's not safe.

- Yeah, I've no crashed.

- Well, that's...

- No, but that doesn't matter.

And also, if you've not got your MOT,

it basically means your insurance is invalid, as well,

which, of course, you ken yourself.

- That's nothing to worry about, I don't even have that.

It was just an option, wasn't it?

- No, not really, it's an option that you have to take.

Now, obviously, he was in disguise.

And I didn't recognize him.

But my partner here...

- Erm, I recognized him from previously arresting him

for being in charge of an ice cream van

which was selling alcohol.

- So, I went in the jail, and they did this clown course.

Wait till you hear my name, you want to hear my name?

- Yeah, what?

- Right, you ready for it?

- Aye. - It's a belter.

Bongo Buttons.

- Bongo Buttons. (laughs) - Bongo Buttons.

- What's that, like... - Number one

children's entertainer in my postcode.

- Aye. - I'm brilliant, right.

Got a few tricks I can do.

You watching this, man?

- On you go, man. - You watching, mate?

- Aye, go.

Oh!

(Hugh laughs)

Like that.

Yeah!

Oh!

Oh-oh!

- Oh, my auntie used to do that.

- Is your auntie a clown, ano?

(Hugh laughs)

- Aye! (laughs)

- You're just no into this at all, are you, no?

He's awful straight-laced.

- I know, look, a clown, know what I mean?

So, I take it you were en route to a booking the now,

where you going? - I was on my way the now.

It's a wain's birthday. - Where is it?

- It's just about a couple mile up the road, there.

- What I'll do is I'll issue you with a ticket,

and then I'll let you go on your way.

- Cool, I'll be able to just jump up in the motor,

'cause it's a couple mile away and that.

- No, not in the motor,

you'll have to take a bus or a taxi or something,

we're taking that car.

- Wait, you're taking my motor?

- Yeah, we have to. - Oh, what?

Come on, you could give us a wee lift.

- No.

- Right, I'm gonna be straight with youse.

It's my boy.

It's my wee boy, it's his birthday.

- That you're meant to be going to?

- That I'm meant to be going to.

Gonna be disappointing my own boy.

Gonna be disappointing Bongo Buttons' son.

- I suppose if it's his boy, you know what I mean?

- It's my boy.

- No, we cannae help him.

- Come on, it's his boy, mate.

- Sit back. - Right.

- Well.

- [Bongo] Right.

- Have you got everything you need out of that car?

- [Bongo] Thanks very much, boys, listen.

Honestly, you're a lifesaver.

- [Narrator] The circus might be in town,

but the countryside is anything but in town.

- How can you like a horse?

Look at it, it's massive.

- [Narrator] And rural officers Mackay and MacIntosh

ensure no one has a free pass to trespass.

- We received a tip off about some ill*gal activity

on a protected heritage site.

- Hello?

- Excuse me, sir.

Someone was metal detecting

and digging up some really rare, you know, valuable finds.

- I tried the beach, but the...

The children make fun of me.

- The what? - The children make fun of me!

Children, they make fun of me.

They sneak ahead of me and throw coins down into the sand

for me to find.

- So, it's not because of the...

- What's wrong with this?

- No, no, sorry, my mistake.

- What, you don't like it?

- I...

Am a fan.

- Look, we're not the fashion police, here.

- Yeah.

- Well, you're acting like it.

- We're here to discuss this issue at hand.

- You cannot go onto that land

and just take what you want,

which is essentially what he was doing.

It was like going into an antique shop

and just picking up a pocket watch and walking it.

That's what he was doing, but in a field.

- Okay, it's just a couple of coins.

Nobody will...

The people who owned them have been

dead years. - Come on, come on.

- Okay, well this is a... - Okay,

we can't touch that, but just show us.

- This is a bracelet.

- You've taken that off some...

- No, it was just... - That is a child's bracelet.

- No, I'm not Lara Croft,

I'm not raiding people's tombs.

- [Charlie] What else is in the bag?

- Oh, there's, there's nothing.

That's just my mum. - Please.

- Let's have a look, please. - Show us the contents.

- Uh...

Okay, listen, don't...

Don't overreact.

But when I'm digging up some of the artifacts

and they're all shiny, it attracts magpies.

I've got a bit of protection, you know.

- Come on, what's... - What, a spray, or what?

- Well, it's an air p*stol.

- Oh, hey, hey! - Whoa!

- It's an air p*stol, it's...

- That is still dangerous.

We're gonna have to... - Look, I...

(g*nsh*t bangs)

- Oh!

Oh!

God!

- Took me out momentarily.

Oh, he shot me!

- Sorry!

- Yeah, Charlie hit the deck

and I had to run in there, get the guy to the floor

and make the arrest, which I did.

- Oh!

- I didn't mean to sh**t you. - Come on.

Charlie. - Oh!

- Come on.

Metal detecting is quite a lame hobby, anyway.

- I don't know.

You know, you might say the same about

someone that flies kites.

- Yeah, that is lame, too, yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah, it is, actually, yeah.

I don't know why anyone would do that.

- [Narrator] Pull a piece on the Scot Squad

and the only metal you'll be detecting are prison bars.

(tense electronic music)

Meanwhile, McLaren and Fletcher

have their own stash to deal with,

a stinking stash of filthy hash.

(alcohol splashing)

- It's not like everybody thinks.

Chasing after people.

Hey, what!

You know, kicking down doors.

(banging on door)

Once you get to a crime scene, sometimes,

you have to wait there.

- Silly, silly boys.

We had a drugs bust,

where there was a couple of guys

who were dealers in cannabis.

Hashish.

- Ganja. - Ganja.

They had bricks of it.

Watch your head, Britain's tallest man.

Well, they were sent away in a car.

We had to wait with the...

- Evidence. - Hash,

which they had tried to destroy

when they knew the police were coming in.

Fancy a suck on that?

They'll not be selling that, will they?

So, we had to wait for scenes of crime to arrive

and the detectives to arrive.

- I've never seen anything like it.

Hash bricks.

They must have

just set alight to them when we...

- Do you think?

Do you think that's what caused it to

go on fire? - I think so.

Have I ever taken drugs?

Erm...

No.

(Jack coughs)

Oh!

- Mm!

- I think possibly the furthest I've gone

is eaten a big bag of Haribo.

Do you want to put the telly on?

- Aye, is there a control?

- I don't know.

- Oh, yeah, boy.

- Phone a pizza.

- What do you want the pizza to say?

I've absolutely never taken drugs in my entire life.

I've turned down drugs many a time when I was young.

Can I speak to a pizza, please?

(both laughing)

"Hello, what is it?

I'm a big dough-face.

I'm covered in meat and cheese, I've not got time to talk."

It makes my skin crawl.

I detest it.

I think it's vile.

Hello, it's the police, Pizza.

Could I have a pizza, please?

- I don't remember much

about that instance.

- No, it's a bit hazy, that one.

- [Narrator] The only high these cops appreciate

is the buzz of taking the dealers to the High Court.

Meanwhile, McKirdy and Singh do their community service,

as Bongo Buttons rides the cop car Clown Express.

- Will you help me with my wig?

Guys, wait and I'll try these wigs, right?

- Aye, on you go, mate.

- Here's the baldy man one first, right?

What do you make of that one?

- Aye, I like...

I mean, I do that like that one.

- I'm no sure.

- That is a cr*cker.

- It's a wee bit scary, that,

it's a wee bit scary. (Hugh singing "Psycho" theme)

- It's a bit demonic-looking,

you know what I mean? - Aye.

- Maybe scare the wains.

- [Bongo] What do you think of this wig?

- That, see, I like that.

- Ah, see, that's better.

See, it goes with your makeup.

- Aye, it does, don't it?

- So, you get quite...

You know, there's some folk that,

they've got kinda a heavy fear of clowns.

- [Bongo] What about you?

You're not saying much.

You're not saying much, are you, are you a wee bit...

- You ever read Stephen King's "It"?

- Whoa! - Now, that's...

That'll get you a fear of clowns.

- What about if I just went like that, boo!

- No. (Hugh laughs)

- No? - No.

- Will I try again? - No, dinnae do it.

- Boo!

(Hugh laughs) - No.

- [Narrator] As the officers help the man in the big shoes,

Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson helps the big wigs

as he reports to a select committee of MSPs.

The stop and search figures that you're referring to,

yes,

high.

I think I started quite well.

They're high because

we're stopping and searching a lot of people,

therefore the numbers are...

Are considerable.

That's a good point.

Really, in order to...

Excuse me.

In order to know whether...

Number of times that hat's let me down.

Everybody's moved...

I mean, I'm not saying you've got to search everybody.

Hitting my stride.

I wouldn't go that far.

But even so, I'll give you an example.

This is interesting, this bit.

I stopped searched a...

An elderly lady with a Zimmer frame

and it turned out she had two...

Giant cannabis cigarettes

down the legs of her Zimmer.

So...

True story, that.

You wouldn't have thought

she was worth stopping and searching.

It turned out...

Exactly.

That was a real bingo stop and search.

That's a good point.

Why are they saying incompetent?

On the BBC website, it says an incompetent performance.

Far be it for me to use the phrase underfunding.

Aye, right, boys.

Underfunding, this is what this

meeting's actually about, now.

Give us more money.

Across the country.

MSPs.

Sometimes, they're not connected with each other.

Yes.

(Cameron inhales)

Slightly worried in the middle it got away from me,

but I think by the end, I turned it round there.

(Cameron exhales)

Just glad it's over another year, though.

- Well, don't take it the wrong way,

but I hope I don't see you again.

You know what I mean? - Yeah, exactly.

- Good luck with the party.

- Right, take it easy.

- Take care. - Bye.

See man,

he's a charming guy, you know what I mean?

Right.

Where are we going for lunch?

What you fancy?

Chinese?

- Right, out of here!

(beep)

Don't come back!

You're no allowed here!

- I am allowed here!

- Restraining order after you!

Take your bag! (beep)

(beep) Clown!

- I need to see the boy.

- You've ruined the party!

- Excuse me, is everything all right here?

- No, there's a restraining order against him!

- Oh, come on! - He's here annoying us again!

- Restraining order?

- I'm done here! - It's only a

restraining order at my house.

- Come on.

- No.

- Right, enough.

Here.

Come on.

- It's my boy's party. - You're at it, Bongo.

- You're embarrassing yourself.

- You're at it, Bongo.

Mind your head.

(dramatic music)

. [Narrator] This court jester

will soon be feeling court justice.

He's pushed the cops' buttons too many times.

Send in the Scot Squad.

It's bang up time for Bongo.

(exciting electronic music)