01x05 - Sibling Rivalry

[bunniefuu]

okay Vicky you understand what I showed

you and the philosophy of chess I

understand it's in my computer okay

white goes first your move go

checkmate pretty neat checkmate it's

only five moves if you program me

correctly I could do it in four

everybody's a critic

can't you make a few teeny-weeny

mistakes no I'm programmed to win I'll

fix that stand up and turn around you

know how humiliating it is for a robot

to beat its inventor not right now Jamie

and don't bounce that in here when and

when that's not in my memory bank it's

the way to play basketball you know what

that is basketball a sporting event used

to fill television time between

commercials

[Laughter]

I taught her that it's also a game you

play outside Jamie alright turn around

sit down I'll get you this time how

about working around the clubhouse later

dad sorry Jamie I'll be working with

Vicki but gee the only time we get it

work on it is on weekends well maybe

next weekend huh there's your mother why

don't you go see if you can help her not

you him you don't have a mother I'm

beginning to feel like I don't have a

father okay Vicki your white your move

go

checkmate that was only four moves now

I'm programmed correctly hi honey

oh I saw the cutest clothes in the

stores for Vicky I was so tempted Ted

honey a little girl robots don't need

wardrobes no the big girl wives do and I

just couldn't resist Bynes Vicky these

gloves oh those are cute why don't you

unscrew one of her hands and see if they

fit it's not funny Jamie asked you to

get off mom oh I'm sorry hon I forgot I

was so busy nobody thinks about anything

but Vicky anymore by the time I get that

Clubhouse finished I'll have to be big

enough for my wife and kids

oh now let me show you what I got for

the big girl on sale of course honey

honey the way to a man's heart is

through the kitchen not through a

department store I took a little detour

Oh looks like she's got you ten huh what

if you came over here to pester me to

play with you forget it I'm not that

desperate

I only come to ask you to play with me

Oh too bad I always enjoy turning you

down

I just come over find out what's in

those boxes your mom brought home

you're sure nosy I call it keeping in

farms

oh hi Harriet how's everything at home

I've got a new parrot

that's nice no it's not I wanted a

canary then why didn't you get one

because when my mother wants the pet

store the parent talked her out of it

Harriet why don't you go home and teach

your parrot to sing like a canary

hey I never thought of that

Thanks how about working on the sad past

dad oh sorry Jimmy I just came out to

get something can't wait for this

afternoon this afternoon have you

forgotten what you said well of course

not Jamie I just can't remember what it

is right now you said you were gonna

take me to the wire matinee at the

movies alright they've shown to gory

pictures in a gory cartoon they're even

putting red butter on the popcorn well

maybe next weekend Jamie I've just got

to work with Vicki Vicki Vicki Vicki I

might as well be invisible

oh sorry Jamie I didn't see you

I am invisible boy for a robot you sure

get plenty of attention I get plenty of

attention don't rub it in I used to like

you when Dad first brought you home I

thought you were fun fun well it's not

fun now mom and dad used to have time

for me and treated me like I was special

and bought me presents now you get

gloves Mike I've dumped on you get done

done do you have to repeat everything I

say

you're like Harriet's parrot parrot a

tropical feathered bird with the

distinctive hooked bill yeah and you're

an unfettered hunk of plastic with a big

mouth on account of you I'm a rejected

child stick that in your computer

rejection the result of being a fee

story theft yeah but you'll never know

what it's like because you can't feel

anything yes I can feel like this stop

that I mean feelings inside boy I'm as

bad as Charlie Brown and peanuts peanuts

pods containing two or three nuts

usually eaten with beer

no no no you're not as smart as dad

thinks you are peanuts is a comic strip

and Charlie Brown gets dumped on by

everybody Lucy

Linus Schroeder I'll bet even Snoopy is

dog what's on his foot

I'm not programmed to gee that you don't

even know what it means I had to do what

Charlie did in this one story he decided

to teach everybody a lesson by running

away running away right yeah

that's what I'm gonna do and boy will

they miss me when I'm gone

Vicky come here and switch on your tape

recorder testing one two three testing

playback Vicky testing one two three

testing

Vicky good

dear mom and dad how are you I'm fine

no that's too friendly erase that Vicky

and rewind

I am rewinding and that's one negative I

in the sir

[Laughter]

[Applause]

I'm finished okay start recording dear

to whom it may concern by the time you

hear this I will be gone forever maybe

I'll find happiness with a family who

will appreciate a son who is kind loving

courteous has a lot of personality and

no cavities yes Jamie he's not here

not here come on out Vicky where did it

go

out out where out there he went out the

window yes and fell on his behind why on

earth would he go out the window did he

say why he left a message on my tape

recorder

a message will playback dear to whom it

may concern by the time you hear this I

will be gone forever going forever stop

Vicky hey what's the hold up let's have

breakfast huh eat at a time like this

huh time when you hear the tone the time

will be 9:00 12:00 a.m. stop Vicky what

do you mean at a time like this

Jamie's run away what play the rest of

his message Vicky maybe I'll find

happiness with a family hoola preciate a

son who is kind loving courteous has a

lot of personality and no cavities don't

try to find me because I won't be there

you don't care anyway

coz you've only got time for your

perfect little girl so that's it goodbye

forever find your former loving son

Jamie the end

at Viki did Jamie say where he was going

he did not say well he tells you

everything why not this

he said he'd warm it out of me oh well

let's just stay in here let's go and

look for it what am i doing honey the

important thing now is to just stay calm

all little boys run away once in their

lives I did I'm sure he's just hiding

you look around here I'll check in the

basement

stay calm huh we don't have a basement

oh well that's one less place we have to

look Vicky get in your cabinets get in

my cabinet all right when you ran away

where did you go

Oklahoma oh not the state the movie

[Music]

what are you doing Jamie wanna play

pediatrician with my job no get out of

you Harriet how'd you know I was up here

it's my woman's intuition

a day off Society climber well please go

away are you playing hide-and-seek

finds it yeah that's it I think I'll

come Vicky where they're hiding you do

and you have to seek your teeth stand

here and cat threatens I can stay home

and do that I'll check the yard you look

in the garage

it's not there Ted

are you sure you looked all around

including up and down worried honey did

you look up in the attic way up yes I

did way up and I feel so guilty about

this I I didn't realize that Jamie felt

neglected yeah now we we might never

have the chance to tell him how much we

love him yes and how special he is to us

you know I can't believe that he ran

away and on the very day we were having

his favorite breakfast chili dogs with

onions fries chips and root beer Jerome

if only he'd come back and I would never

nag him to clean up his room again I'd

finished working on that Clubhouse

maybe raises allowance maybe get him a

little pony let's not get carried away

Joan but it's too late honey we can only

hope that one day we don't get a

postcard that says having a wonderful

time

glad you're not here Wow a pony maybe if

they suffer a little more I'll get a

motorbike out of it

well thank goodness he's all right I

told you there was nothing to worry

about

I know but 11 years ago when I said that

I thought I was pregnant with Jamie

you're the same guy who said it's

probably just a little gas yeah I said

that didn't I I'm glad I was wrong if it

wasn't for Jamie we wouldn't know what

to do for aggravation true oh honey I

figured it was better not to let him

know that we saw him up there

he pretended to run away because we hurt

his feelings and if we forced him to

come back now he just might hurt his

pride too mm-hmm I agree I'm sure he'll

come down on his own real soon what if

we're wrong and he doesn't then what do

we do

Oh simple I just go up to the clubhouse

and k*ll him Vicki Vicki it's Jamie are

you in your cabinet I'm in my cap in it

well come on out come over here and keep

your voice down

keep my voice down no I mean don't talk

loud straighten up if my parents worried

a little longer they'll appreciate me

more but I'm hungry and I want you to

bring me something to eat

it's the least you can do after all the

unhappiness you caused me unhappiness I

caused you go into the kitchen and get

me some milk and cookies and bring them

to the clubhouse milk and cookies to the

clubhouse and bring me two chili dogs

two chili dogs and be careful my mom's

chili can burn a hole in your shirt Oh

[Laughter]

better wait till mom and dad are in

their room then go into the kitchen and

put the food in my gym bag okay go and

cheat the kitchen and put food in gym

bag good see ya see ya Oh

better make that three chili dogs

if I'm sick I'll get more sympathy put

food in gym bag now go into the kitchen

tell me she's running away from home -

no Vicky you're supposed to be in your

cabinet you're supposed to be in your

room

[Applause]

now cookies I need three chili dogs

three chili dogs what are you doing

Vicky going out to take this Fuji Jamie

well that explains the chili dogs okay

Vicky take him the food but you didn't

see us I didn't see you and I didn't see

three chili dogs honey how long do you

think he plans to stay out there oh not

long

how can you be so sure he didn't ask for

the television set that's it Vicky one

foot up and then the other here hurry up

so they don't see you there now you're

programmed to climb up a ladder boy I'm

starved

where's the chili dogs I did not see any

chili dogs how do you like that they lie

to me when I'm not even around well you

better get back in your cabinet back in

my cap in it go around the house to my

room and climb in through the window and

fast fast Oh Timmy what's the matter

what happened Vicky fell out of the

clubhouse I'm gonna climb up a ladder

but I forgot to show her how to get down

we're deer

please don't die I can't hear a thing I

k*lled her

easy honey

our sweet little girl she's gone

wait a minute what's the matter with us

she's not a little girl she's a robot

a robot can't die the worst it can do is

rust she's she's alive

I mean she's working again I guess I

just love her so much I forget she's not

human Vicky are you okay yeah her

circuits are just shaken up I'll fix her

in the house and we'll have a talk with

you young man about running away yeah

can we do it some other time since I'm

so broken up over Vicky like when I

graduate from college goodbye why was he

carrying her oh she was playing with me

and she twisted her ankle she was

playing with you I thought you didn't

like girls I don't like girls but I'm

crazy about Vicky my mother was right

they are a weird family

well Vicky's back to normal fortunately

no parts were broken yeah she just had a

loose connection where her gizzards

ought to be

where my kazoo dotted be now everybody

sit down breakfast is ready

well Jamie I hope you learned something

from this you almost lost Vicky because

of your jealousy and jealousy can make

people do terrible things I know that

now dad and there is no reason to be

jealous just because your father and I

can't spend every minute with you it

doesn't mean that we don't love you yeah

are you gonna punish me for pretending

to run away well I think the scare over

Vicky just might be punishment enough

huh oh yeah I could wake up tomorrow

morning when my hair could be all white

yeah or you could be bald here we are a

breakfast is served

Oh for me I got heartburn just fixing

them yeah what the heck I'll live

dangerously

now don't get them all over yourselves

fellas be careful

mom's chili can burn a hole in your

shirt

I did not program that in

[Applause]

she's my small wonder lovely and bright

and soft girls she's a small

a childlike

she's a miracle and I grant you chili

tank you recite she's the smart one

[Music]