01x09 - Slightly Dishonorable

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

hi mom hi honey mom guess what I am

you're a quarterback who's about to rush

in and do his homework no but I am as a

record-breaker

I threw four touchdown passes in

football practice now how about your

homework mr. Montana you told me had

that big history report this year to

turn him by tomorrow yeah but that was a

mistake you mean you don't have to turn

it in no I mean I shouldn't have told

you about it dad hi well I did it took a

whole week of programming but I finally

did it

what did you do well just a minute and

I'll show you here okay Vicky go to the

coffee table and get the newspaper good

see the coffee table

get the newspaper the whole weight to

get the paper I knew a poodle who I met

in one day there's more wiseguy watch

what our pretty little robot can do okay

Vicky scan the newspaper and storing it

in her memory bank she'll be able to

scan anything we want and recite it back

it's a breakthrough that combines

robotics data flow integration and

systolic array processing in the VI CI

mode that makes sense

[Laughter]

[Music]

she's finished a whole paper already

uh-huh

Vicki what's the lead story on page one

quickly stop stop stop stop

Vicki forget I said quickly what's the

lead story on page one congressmen

debate national budget lead story on

page two senators speak on taxes till

midnight

Vicki is there anything in the paper

about the football game next Sunday yes

the pro football game will be blacked

out on local TV no I really wanted to

see that game

yeah me too Jamie I was looking forward

to sitting here with our feet up and

joining it together

yeah me too dad grab a couple of beers

and

and your case go for the milk oh you

know I have an idea you both could still

see that game yeah well if you do a good

job on that book report and your father

cleans out the garage

I just might spring for two tickets to

go to that game all right what do you

say dad

it's a deal shake whoa whoa whoa

[Laughter]

[Applause]

dad couldn't programmed you to speed

read at a better time time at the tone

the time will be 5:22 and 12 seconds

oh not that kind of time I mean it's

just in time for you to speed read my

history book for me for that report

hey you can also write the report for me

big J's got it made the DJ's got it made

here's some of my handwriting can you

copy it I can copy anything I can read

terrific this I cannot read music in the

teacher it's my secret weapon

please copy it here sit down

perfect now if anybody asks if you did

this report for me you say you don't

know anything about it or the big J is

in big trouble

got it the big J's in big trouble

got it okay improve your mind with my

history book I promised my folks I

wouldn't use you for my homework anymore

but this time I'm only thinking of them

if I don't pass this test I'll have a

son who shaves before he gets out of

grammar school is grammar school yeah

why is it yeah because teachers take all

the fun out of it expect you to learn

things there hi girls

oh hi well what's going on here oh I had

Vicki scan my recipe books watch Vicki

what are the ingredients for a walnut

and watercress salad

the ingredients are walnuts watercress

Apple Swiss cheese onion olives and why

did you stop

I have teacher in the page huh and I'm

also teaching her how to make the salad

well that's great now if you can teach

her to vacuum do the floors do the

dishes and do the laundry you'll have

all that free time for yourself

I wouldn't know what to do with it yeah

well let me give you a few ideas honey

she's a robot not a child she's not

programmed for this

great timing all right Vicki go ahead

with the salad make it first shred the

watercress mr. Lawson yes I hope I'm not

disturbing you I'm miss sheets Jamie's

teacher oh hi please come in thank you a

Joan Joanie can you come in here it's

Jamie school teacher what we keep doing

what the recipe says the recipe says

crap the walnuts

[Laughter]

[Applause]

we'll just skip the walnuts no Jaime's

at football practice

I'm sorry to keep you waiting Joan this

is Miss sheets my wife Joan nice to meet

you pleasure please sit down thank you

thanks I dropped by to talk to you about

Jamie

Oh what in particular did you want to

talk about his grades we've been pushing

him really hard I'm sure we can get him

to buckle down oh he has his grades have

improved dramatically these past few

weeks yeah Kenneth we're really not

surprised I was just on my way home and

I just had to stop by and and tell you

about the report Jamie turned in today

the assignment was on obscure but

important events in American history I

only expected the children to read two

chapters of the book Jamie read all 55

he even found some obscure events even I

didn't know like George Washington being

born on February 11th instead of the day

we celebrate February 22nd well that's

Jamie for you well the report was so

good I'm having it copied for the other

children to read I'm also putting him up

for our new honor club honor club Oh

we'd love to read the report miss sheets

if you'd be kind enough to send us a

copy I'll drop it off tomorrow and I

just want to congratulate the two of you

for inspiring Jamie to show an ability

we never knew he had

yeah that's fooled for a long time too

I'd better be going well thank you very

much for coming over my pleasure good

night

[Music]

wait a minute he's not that smart and

what's more important we're not that

dumb Viki let me ask you something do

you know anything about Jamie's history

report I don't know anything about

Jamie's history report see honey maybe

we were wrong maybe Jamie really did

apply himself and dig out those facts

about George Washington being born on

mom I don't know whatever it was that

you like the 11 as opposed to the 22nd

right right hold the phone I thought so

jamie has a good brain all right but

it's in Vicki's head hi boy I was really

hot in practice today

would you believe three more touchdowns

would you believe miss sheets was just

here Miss sheets I've heard that name

from somewhere give you a hint

she almost flunked you in history last

term oh that miss sheets well she's got

a real problem you know what's that well

there's this kid who sits in front of me

he's real dumb she keeps getting us

mixed up well gee I hope she didn't get

you mixed up this time she was really

pleased with that history report you

turned in yeah I was real pleased with

it myself

because of it she wants to put you in

the new honor club how do you feel about

that

it couldn't happen to a more deserving

kid if I've told Jamie once I told him a

dozen times not to use Vicky for his

homework I'd be terrible if he were to

be put in the Honor Club for something

he didn't even do well we're not gonna

let him get away with it what are you

gonna do I'm gonna confront him face to

face and if that doesn't work I'll

confront his other end

he confessed all by himself out of his

own sense of honesty and self respect

well let's at least give me the chance

to huh maybe you're right well it's

probably just eating away at him right

now I bet you he tells us at dinner

right at dinner I'm proud of him already

[Laughter]

so it was fourth down and two to go I

called for a runoff right tackle but

Reggie didn't want to carry the ball to

that side he said the last time he did

someone bit him on the leg

Jamie you've talked about nothing but

football all through dinner don't you

have something else to say something

more important maybe well it won't be

long to basketball season boy that

Abraham Lincoln sure was honest right

and what about George Washington

he was probably even more honest right I

think he was just about Jamie's age when

he chopped down that cherry tree and on

his own said I cannot tell a lie I did

it does that mean anything to you Jamie

oh it sure does you shouldn't let a

little kid play with a nap

excuse me well when I'm worried I like

to pace pace for me see

I didn't read on to my folks but I'm

feeling real guilty about that history

report guilty that word is not in my

memory bank

well guilty is what you feel when you do

something you know is wrong then you

don't admit it stop Vicki do something

wrong and don't admit it right you put

up a good front cuz you're trying to

protect your rear you understand

I'm working on it I shouldn't have let

you do that report you did it too good

too good

yeah and that's bad good is bad right

I'll go back to the cabinet and work on

that too you know

I'm not all bad sure I cheated on that

history report and took credit for

something I didn't do and lied to my key

trim folks about it but outside of that

I'm terrific

yeah terrific I want to tell my folks

the truth but if I do dad won't take me

to that football game on Sunday can you

stick that in your computer and figure a

way out I will stick it in my computer

the answer is forthcoming good go to the

football game first then tell the truth

all right Vicki you're a lifesaver

lifesaver a branch object with a

not to be confused with a doughnut or

bagel hello mr. Lawson on the sheets

please come in thank you hello miss shy

I have a copy of Jamie's report for you

well thank you you didn't have to bring

that over tonight oh it was no trouble I

was on my way to a meeting is Jamie here

I'd love to see him yes of course Jamie

would you come here please

coming mom miss sheets in here oh it's

terrible having a guilty conscience I

was much happier when everybody thought

I was stupid

now remember Vicki we've got to stick

together we've got to stick together

right yeah mom Miss sheets wants to talk

to you hello miss sheets

hello Jamie I'm sure your parents told

you about my visit this afternoon yes

ma'am they're both very proud of you and

so am I thank you wait Vicki what are

you doing here Jamie said we should

stick together in the sheets this is

Jamie's cousin Vicki she's staying with

us for a while nice to meet you Vicki

nice to meet you

isn't it wonderful about Jamie being up

for the new honor club at school he's

putting up a good friend to protect his

rear I'm afraid I don't understand well

Miss sheets you see Jamie

let me say something Miss sheets you

know how George Washington and Abraham

Lincoln told the truth and became

presidents yes well in a minute I'm

gonna have a good chance to become

president

[Music]

I cannot tell a lie I didn't do some of

that history report I turned in Oh what

part didn't you do all of it outside of

that he's terrific

he is terrific that took a lot of

courage Jamie well Jamie if you didn't

do that report who did I cannot tell a

lie

I did honey did you hear that Vicki did

it surprise

well if Vicki really did do that report

then I'm sure she must remember some of

the things she read like why the new

calendar was adopted in 1752 the old

calendar was a Julian calendar which are

estimated the solar year by adding 11

minutes 14 seconds annually so it had to

be changed we should go to school I

don't go to school

no why not teachers take all the fun out

of it they expect you to learn things

you got a big mouth Vicki

Jamie Miss sheets what she means is she

doesn't go to a public school she goes

to a private school Oh may I ask which

one of course well which one which one

it does it's a very small school that

there's only one student there's a

private tutor oh I see

well um I'd better be going Jamie I was

quite disappointed but it was very brave

of you to admit what you did if you work

real hard at school maybe you really can

get in the Honor Club someday I'll try

very hard in the sheets

I really will good well good night

everyone

good night

I wish we had a bright little girl like

Vicki at our school school is yeah she's

talking about reform school good night

good night mom dad I'm really sorry

about all this but I did tell the truth

are you gonna punish me

I'm afraid so Jamie what kind of

punishment well I'm still gonna take you

to the football game on Sunday but I'm

getting bad seats the big J's got it

made thanks dad you're the greatest

there's one condition Jamie oh did I hug

you too soon you have to promise really

promise not to use Vicki for your

homework anymore no problem I promise if

I'm lying may I go to my grave without

another Twinkie

[Applause]

[Music]

she's not small what dude

lovely and bright and soft where's she's

a small one

a child like other girls she's a miracle

and I grant you she retained you a new

sight

she's that small

[Music]

[Applause]