01x17 - Substitute Father

[bunniefuu]

[Applause]

[Music]

areas young said Lawson former US Open

champ lining up and $800,000 points

pretty make it they'll be crowned best

golfer in the entire free world a hush

falls over the crowd why are you talking

to that stick not talking to the stick

talking to myself I'm mad at the stick

why are you wiggling your behind lady

Vicki it's a way to relax you see it's

not very easy to get that little ball

into that little hole

it looks elementary oh it does does it

well why don't you try a wiseguy robot

very well Yello hi yeah this is Ted oh

hi are you doing you can oh that's

terrific this is just great yeah yeah

I'll see you Sunday thanks for calling

bye guessing that wasn't the phone just

now

she's sittin bull' it was Jack Duffield

you know my regular Sunday golf game

well the one where you always get beat

not this Sunday my regular partners out

of town so Jack is gonna be my partner

do you know what is handicap is having

you for a partner hardy har har har

he is a - Andy Capp that's practically a

pro this is my week to finally win this

is my week to finally walk in that

Clubhouse without a limp limb

the one I always fake is my excuse for

losing boy I gotta go practice you know

the driving range wait you forgot your

hole

Vicki put it in my bedroom family picnic

for my school class alright Jamie you're

right I did forget you promised you'd

take him Ted well honey yeah you can

still go with him uh mom's part of the

family too you know yeah what about all

the contests and games for the guys and

her dad's you mean against the others

well m*rder on well Jamie can't mom play

the games with you mom can't play games

like basketball besides she doesn't like

to sweat

Jamie sign any other Sunday but this one

I'll make it up to you I promise I bet

some of the other kids are letting their

dads play golf on Sunday okay alright

thanks kiddo

I'll only be about an hour honey bye no

point in going to the picnic now well

honey maybe you could teach me to play

basketball on time for Sunday thanks but

I don't think so mom oh it's worth a try

with a little practice maybe I could

even learn to sweat oh okay first I'll

teach you some defense defense right now

the idea is for you to stop me from

getting this ball into that basket

gotcha okay oh okay ready

[Applause]

mom you're supposed to try to stop me

from doing that how well anyway you can

gotcha

okay let's try it again okay ready

Jenny stop

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you can't order me to stop well it

worked didn't it that's only with me the

other guys aren't gonna listen to you

here maybe you're better at offense

should have asked it okay oh oh honey I

can do better I can just keep on

practicing till I get it right thanks

but by then I'll have a grown son of my

own to play with attention please my

microsensors alerted me that something

was burning in the oven oh no my roast I

forgot all about it thanks for turning

it off Vickie I wasn't programmed to

turn it off it's still burning lucky

shot

well at least she tried it's more than

my dad did are you going to practice

what's the point you go practice your

slam dunk my slam dunk too bad you can't

be my partner Sunday why are you holding

your head like that why do you think

because it's coming loose no because I'm

depressed

hi Jamie hi Vicki were depressed boy

that was fast I only just got here

it's not you Harriet it's my dad what

did your father do to make you depressed

you wouldn't understand here you you're

not a boy

you see I'm just like my father that's

what he always says you're not a boy I

can give anything to have a son

including me

maybe my father doesn't really love me

our parents love their children just got

my father let me more if I hey guys

hurry I've seen your mother yeah she

went to get her legs waxed finally okay

you can't kid an old kid oh I see a

gloomy Gus here what's the problem well

you see my father his father was

supposed to go to the class picnic with

him yeah but he decided to play yeah and

now without Jamie she playing the games

with him on Sunday Vicki I can talk for

myself my mouth isn't painted on mine is

Jamie your father just doesn't know how

lucky he is to have a son no of course

it's also great to have a daughter who

doesn't shave hey if you want my son I'd

go with you on Sunday hmm thanks anyway

say uh if you can talk your

schoolteacher into it you can count me

in I'll be glad to do it

are you serious mr. brindle never been

more serious I'll be your substitute

father hey sister that's one

substitution too many

I will ask my teacher mr. brindle Thanks

great just in case why don't we get in a

little practice I will show you the

world-famous brindle hook shot watch

very carefully my hands never leave

my arms wrinkle dribbles counterpoint he

gets to the top of the key he fits right

big slip punches opponent in the popcorn

machine goes up for the shot

[Music]

there that's better length shows off

your cute little plastic legs guy huh

poor man's Arnold Palmer honey you

should have seen me at the driving range

today I mean I was dynamite you're being

very selfish selfish gee I can't imagine

where she picked that up oh well I have

no idea

look Jamie has forgiven me about Sunday

so there's no problem Jamie never

forgiven you Arnold Palmer but I haven't

oh you coward using a robot to vent your

emotions on me cuz you're mad you're

right okay I'll vent my emotions myself

Ted you're sleeping on the sofa tonight

come on Johnny would you back off for a

minute you know I just had an argument

with brindle the boob at the office you

know you know he wanted me to work on

Sunday

can you believe that nerve of that guy

right if you wouldn't give up your golf

game for your own son why give it up for

your boss anything you'd care to add to

that Vicky don't forget you're sleeping

on this sofa tonight Vicky sweetheart

go to your cabinet Jane guess what I

talked to my teacher and she said it's

okay if I bring a substitute father to

the family picnic Sunday hey that's

great Jamie you see Joanie you see how

things work themselves out well Jamie

listen I know it's gonna be tough to

replace the old man but we'll put our

heads together and try to think of

somebody okay I already found somebody

already

who's that honey mr. brindle brindle

Brandon brindle next door brindle the

boob I see old tiger put him up you

better get changed son we got a lot of

practicing to do yeah guess she told you

about Sunday yes it was very nice of you

to give up your time Brandon right Ted

yeah nice I'm glad to do it

what kind of a guy wouldn't help out a

little boy have to be a jerk now

coordination is everything in a sack

race Jaime that's okay

outside foot first you want to start us

off Harry okay

I'm your mark get set ready

[Music]

what was the time I knew I forgot

something

let's work on some basketball good idea

know what I take the ball out of bounds

you run to the top of the key

I'll pass into you when I cut to the

hoop you flipped me a quick pass for an

easy layup right okay Harriette I

haven't done anything yet I know I'm

just practicing being the little woman

behind the man all right uh Jamie listen

top dad practicing just average for me

call me Dad okay dad dad around Vicki

who needs a food processor Jamie says

I'm a cross between Julia Child's and

Rambo

[Laughter]

hi so his brindle still out back making

a fool of himself do I detect a little

green-eyed monster I do believe you're

jealous Ted jealous me of who is the

preposition that takes the object boom

okay

of whom am i jealous of Vicky that's a

correct sentence if you go get the

plants to drink of water I gave the name

Jing this morning they just ordered

another round go go go go okay of whom

am i jealous of Brandon Brandon Brandon

brindle

that's a laugh that is for that is the

most ridiculous thing okay I'm jealous

but only this much anyway I have decided

to skip the golf match on Sunday and go

with you and Jamie to the picnic Oh

Jamie listen now I've been thinking and

I thought it would probably mean a whole

lot to you to have your real dad there

on Sunday right yeah I wanted the kids

to see what a great guy you were well

guess what Jamie I told the guys I

wasn't gonna play golf with him on

Sunday I said I got to go to a picnic

with my son what yeah the old man's

gonna be there Sunday what do you say

about that no way forget it

pardon me dad I can't do that to mr.

brindle you've been counting on it even

more than me it just wouldn't be fair

now Jamie I told me tie him down dad

it's got a point it really wouldn't be

fair you look at all the time and effort

that brindle's put into this yeah

sorry dad alright guys well there was

some job we had huh

yeah how far you run well let me see I

guess we must agenda about four four

miles four blogs you job to the

drugstore and had a milkshake and then

we took a taxi back your regular Richard

Simmons here's a fresh picture of ice

team that chicken will be ready in a few

minutes

oh great thanks I thought the chicken

was for our dinner oh it's a snack for

the athletes hey by the way would you

mind if I took a little of the chicken

home for my wife she's having an awful

lot of trouble with the stove

she keeps cooking on it I'll tell you

what have you got a some fine boy here

correction correction we have a fine boy

you have a girl just a manner of

speaking good guy yeah I meant this one

yes son I'm really learning a lot from

mr. brindle did you know you have a

better chance of catching a frisbee if

you keep your palm up like this see that

makes sense Jamie that's nothing new any

real father knows that from birth but

I'll bet you didn't know that in a

walnut race when you're hitting a walnut

with your nose you do better if you do

it sideways like this it's better if you

hit with the tip of your nose and push

it

I guess the main thing is is to be

careful that the walnut doesn't go up

your nose why don't we go sh**t a few

more baskets we can use a practice a

capital idea

let's go son he's not your son very

proud of Jamie for being so loyal I'm

proud I'm proud see proud glad you're

being so adult about it now why didn't

you go outside and play with your putter

how can I think of golf from that thief

next door is stealing my son away he's

not stealing your son he's just

borrowing him well it's not fair

I mean who raised him from a baby who

did he spit up on me not Brendel who fed

him me not brindle who woke up in the

middle of the night to change his

diapers me not brindle two out of three

isn't bad wait a minute wait a minute

what if brindle suddenly couldn't go to

the picnic on Sunday that's impossible

he'd never change his mind because he

hasn't had his unfortunate little

accident yet now the one he's about to

have when I joined them for basketball

in the backyard

Oh Ted you wouldn't know said I would

they didn't call me elbows Lawson in

college for nothing any honey don't

worry it won't be anything major it's

the little love tap for the ribs

maybe the collarbone maybe the pelvis I

wanted the plants again fine sweetheart

by any chance were you programmed to set

broken bones no but I'm programmed to

set the table

there it is

poor mr. brindle mom wait there's been

an accident I know

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[Laughter]

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he's stuck an elbow in my ribs and I

just reacted instinctively they didn't

call me

knees brindle at college for nothing

[Music]

that's enough practice for today son I'm

awful sorry oh man I hope you've learned

your lesson

elbow honey I don't think I'll even be

able to play golf on Sunday I'm sorry

dad are you still mad at me

well a little man mad does that mean

he'll still be sleeping on the sofa

tonight won't make any difference honey

[Applause]

[Applause]

what do lovely and bright and soft words

she's a small a child like other girls

she's a miracle and I grant you she

change you a new site she's small

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