01x23 - The Real Facts of Life

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

thanks that helps a lot you think oh the

car and pick up the rest of things so I

can go get your father no sweat I

already took care of it

no sweat huh robots don't sweat I got a

ride home from Luke Perry from our

microchip Department remember good old

Lu from the company picnic yeah I

remember all good old 300 pounds of them

right through his paper plate and broke

a tooth on the table yeah even the ants

ran for their lives well you should see

Oh Lu now honey he's a lean mean hundred

and sixty-five pounds soaking wet yeah

you mean with just one foot on the scale

no really

Lu and his whole family joined a health

club they swim lift weights use those

exercycle machines sounds great huh

personally I prefer the sound of junk

food person between my feet

junk food according to a doctor on

television

junk food contains salt and fats that

pose a serious threat to the

cardiovascular system not to mention

giving you a face full of zits Jamie

she's right

these are really really bad for you dad

really something in a chip my dear no

way Jose

well she's right matter of fact honey I

looked in the mirror today and I I've

really let myself go I mean it's a

problem I have the solution

get a new mirror I do except for the

little spare tire and the little pasta

pouch you really know how to hurt a guy

we're just kidding Ted I wasn't if you

make you feel better why don't you join

one of those health clubs like gluten

you know I've got a better idea I'll get

my own personal exercise coach right

here at home I'll take the same as Jane

Fonda

I meant Vikki all I have to do is let

her watch one of those exercise shows on

TV and she'll be programmed and then

I'll add a few little goodies of my own

wonderful yeah well I'm glad you both

like it because we're all starting first

thing in the morning

forget it baby no way Jose

Tony honey come on I really feel

strongly about this but I can't do this

without your help okay you've got it

thanks I'll kick you out of bed every

morning so that you can exercise come on

honey I know me and I won't do this

unless you two join in and then don't

you want a healthy husband and a healthy

father what good's a healthy father if

his son doesn't survive well okay we'll

join in I don't need more exercise I'm

in great shape except for the spare tire

and a little pasta patch time to shape

Good ol Lou

up and slim down woods loser it's your

own personal exercise coach now move it

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[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

it's not one of the few little goodies

you added oh this is ridiculous so early

the late night movies still on

television time at the tone the time

will be 5:30 a.m. exactly

time for a healthy to my old job

come on Vicky's right in the air warm-up

suits let's go jogging if it's good for

good ol Lou it's good for us wake me up

when you get back come on Shep oh no

lollygagging

[Laughter]

oh that's quite a joke

yeah where's dad I thought he was right

behind us

sounds like Darth Vader with asthma are

you all right

my gris-gris gris-gris never felt better

[Music]

and do everything I do suck in that gut

your programmer to be Attila the Hun one

two one two

it would help a little music yeah

yo I forgot to turn on a radio stop

Vicky

[Music]

[Applause]

I'm straight little circles

[Music]

there ain't no way I'm getting this off

the ground boy you're gonna love this

this is a breakfast recipe I got from

good ol Lou what is it dad

it's fiber the body needs lots of fiber

there's enough fiber and this to make a

floor mat come on taste it

go ahead Jamie ladies first mom come on

you two you got to be healthy on the

inside as well as the outside come on

we'll all taste it together

ready

[Music]

all right I know it's a little strange

at first but trust me it'll grow on you

I think it's already started I can't

wait to see what we're having for dinner

dinner

you'll love dinner we're having dried

alfalfa sprouts fresh kale enriched

kohlrabi and puree of turnip soup

another gourmet dinner at the Lawson's

just think in a couple of weeks I'll be

in the same condition as good old Lou I

hope so

we're gonna be the healthiest family in

town if it kills us it's working you

know Jamie maybe this health routine

isn't such a bad idea after all

I've lost a couple of pounds in just two

days Vicky weighed me with her computer

yeah maybe I lost some weight to weigh

me Vicky way you

[Laughter]

hey wait - hey great come on Vicki hi

honey what's the matter it's good ol Lou

what about him well we were having lunch

today and all of a sudden right in front

of me right there Lou goes face down and

his alfalfa sprouts just like that I

mean didn't even say anything yeah he

said what's the matter is he sick he's

real sick he's dead

oh no broke his glasses and everything

heart attack yeah honey the old ticker I

gotta tell you Joanie it really shook me

up sorry

sent his wife a sympathy card

yeah poor ol Lou he was eating all the

right things

exercising living clean when the

ambulance carted him away he never

looked better they won't have to touch

him for the funeral

Ted I know you and and you shouldn't

worry about a thing like this you and

Lou are entirely different yeah he was a

year younger and a lot healthier

honey when's it gonna be my turn to go

facedown in the alfalfa sprouts in a

couple of weeks you'll be in the same

condition as good Oh Lou

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Good morning

good morning rise and shine time to get

up let's go suckers I must have thrown

my back out jogging yesterday oh honey

every muscle in my aging body eggs no

excuses stop Vicky you programmed me to

do this I changed my mind I don't think

we should jog today shouldn't jog I

think my hearings going you know I mean

why press it we can jog tomorrow or the

next day or the next year you know it's

good to give the body a rest all right

before it rests in peace

Vicky jog into the kitchen start

breakfast okay

start breakfast I'm feeling healthier

already yeah yeah yeah oh yeah and I

think I'll uh take a couple aspirin just

in case in case of what you never know

[Laughter]

mom what's with dad he's acting very

strange

Joan there's no a misprint I guess we

ran out Joanie

please always keep plenty of medication

on hand my god it's our first line of

defense

you can't expect me to go out there

alone I think he's cracking up hi honey

hi how'd it go

funerals are so depressing poor good ol

Lu lying there in his coffin in his

seersucker suit he was wearing that

yellow tie with the palm tree painted on

it

I guess his wife was trying to get rid

of it it's just not fair for somebody to

look so good and to be so dead I guess

that's why I mean kind of scary

honey the scary part is everybody at the

funeral said I look so good

you do you look great what's in the bag

oh I just stopped by the drugstore to

pick up a few things I needed some

aspirin and some cough medicine some

inhaler and some eye drops and nose

drive athlete's foot Springs what no

laxatives I knew I forgot something

do I look loaded aren't you overdoing it

a little honey honey we can't be too

careful look what happened to good ol lo

wait wait wait wait wait now what does

it mean when you see spots in front of

your eyes

maybe you should go see a doctor

I already did what he said that I'm in

perfect health that's great he was Lou's

doctor what does he know can't you just

upset about lose control yeah why don't

you go and lie down and relax you'll

feel better

all right kids would you help me please

wait wait wait

okay kids now not so fast

thank you thank you very much no no I

better not do that honey in my condition

it's very dangerous to be in a

horizontal position Ted will you stop

there's nothing wrong with you yeah

you'll feel a lot better after the movie

tonight what movie you promised to take

us to one in a theater full of people do

you know how many germs are in a theatre

I don't the movies it'll get your mind

off of good ol Lou no I think I better

pass in the movies honey but I would

like some dinner think oh good idea I've

got your favorite in the oven

pot roast roast pot roast meat

cholesterol Johnny you're trying to push

me into the grave no thanks honey I'll

just have a nice soft boiled egg for my

upset stomach do you really have an

upset stomach no but I will after I eat

the egg I'm going to put on my slippers

now I think my feet are starting to

swell

Jamie you're a good boy take good care

of your mother mom he's falling apart

I know good ol lose and better shape

than dad is you think he's really sick

no but I just might k*ll him before he

can die natural causes

fix him is egg and let's go to the

movies before he drives us crazy

yeah do you think it's wise to leave him

alone no he'll be fine it's all in his

head

this thing food Oh Louis turned your

father into hypochondria besides it's

not Vicki to keep him company right and

it might be an interesting experiment

what well to see if Dad can drive a

robot crazy

[Music]

Light switch

[Laughter]

well I'm still breathing softly bright

in here

and it hurts my eyes Vickey lead me to

the light switch to the light switch

[Laughter]

I've seen a healthy your tongue in a

delicate dozen window drafty in here

it's drafty in here you noticed it too I

think I'll just put this around my

shoulders to keep these old bones warm

nothing like a rocking chair to comfort

a weary old body why is it so dark in

here see my memories going to germs

germs I know you're here I can't see you

you're not gonna get me without a fight

stick that

[Laughter]

why do I bother

it'll soon be over I could go just like

that

[Laughter]

you see what bad shape I'm in well I'm

ready when you are big G yeah why are

you sitting in the dark

you look like whistlers father Joanie is

at you look this is ridiculous

keep this up and you'll really make

yourself sick Oh Joanie honey about the

life insurance policy it's awfully

bright in here oh it hurts my eyes who

it's drafty in here huh

I'll just put this around the shoulders

to keep the old bones wound nothing like

a rocking chair to relax a weary old

body

your father's even a Vicky's sick I

could go just like that

stop Viki stop so that what I look like

worse I had no idea I was acting so

ridiculous honey you've been so worried

about what might happen you've been

turning yourself into an old man yeah

and you're aging us a little - I'm sorry

Joanie good old Lou overdid it in his

way and you've been overdoing it in

yours

yeah all right from now on everything in

moderation I promise let's start by

picking out on chocolate cake chocolate

are you kidding this stuff can k*ll you

but what a way to go

coming Vikki

why do I bother it'll soon be over

ready when you are big Gia

[Applause]

Small Wonder

she's my small wonder lovely and bright

and so close

she's a small wonder a childhood like

other girls she's a miracle and I grant

you she retained you a new sight

she's small

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[Applause]