02x13 - Neighborhood Watch

[bunniefuu]

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w

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you need you be

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[Laughter]

is your stomach still upset from dinner

I'd settle for upset this is

fire oh no shouldn't have eaten that

extra enchilada and all those Chili

Peppers I wasn't the only one you see

that Stampede to the

restroom they got to install speed

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bumps oh ttim look someone broke in okay

you two stay right here while I check it

out

is everything all right well come and

see for

yourself somebody's been in our home

somebody's been in our drawers

somebody's been in our pie and it wel

all oh no they took our good

silver they even took our bad

silver all right you two stay right here

while I look in the living room

[Laughter]

oh

great well you can come on in but you're

not going to like

it look at this mess this is one mess he

can't pin on me they obviously left

through the front door I get her close

it Joan don't touch the door he might

have left fingerprints the looks of it

that's all he

left thank heavens we were all out when

it happened yeah except

Vicky

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Vicky Vicki are you all right my

circuits are functioning normally good I

guess we should call the police right

police

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oh it's cold in here sure like to shut

that door mom why would anyone want to

steal a picture of fat old a

Freda because fat old Aunt Freda was in

a fat old silver

frame I can't believe it I can't believe

it that Roden crook stole my new Jack

Nicholas putter

honey it was only a golf

club Joe Pebble Beach is only a golf

club I had a lot of emotional attachment

to that putter Ted that's childish

nuh-uh no

sir I want my putter I want my pter I

want

my mom I think it's time you changed his

Pampers evening I'm officer Doyle oh hi

I'm glad you're here I'm Ted Lawson now

this is my wife son and daughter please

come in don't touch the door why not

well he made us keep it open why would

you do that it's freezing

outside what about fingerprints well we

don't check for fingerprints in every

routine burglary son if there's a corpse

involved that's different give us a few

minutes somebody's bound to freeze to

death Angela Lansbury says to always

keep the door open

did you make a list of the missing items

man oh yes right here Tom Cel says to

always make a

list yeah this will

help let's see a TV set silverware

jewelry oh no a jack necklace

putter

see he also took fat old Aunt

Freda for Photograph he couldn't lift

Aunt

Freda do you think we'll ever get our

stuff back officer well it depends do

you have a record of any of the serial

numbers or markings on the stolen

property no well did you save any

purchase receipts for any of the items

no well no offense folks but you're a

burglar's dream come

true did you by any chance contact your

neighbor to see if they might have seen

him I saw him you did Vicki you mean

that uh she wasn't out with the

family uh no uh Vicki doesn't like

Mexican food she's more of a nuts and

bolt

seater yeah it's just the

Staples the burglar ran out when he saw

me so she barely got a glimpse of him I

barely got a glimpse of him well uh

Glimpse isn't much but it's all we have

to go on so uh I tell you what young

lady why don't you just uh try and tell

officer Doyle what you saw huh he was 5

ft8 8 and2 in tall 153 lb light brown

hair blue eyes a mustache coverall with

L&W Plumbing on the back and he had two

quarters and a nickel jangling in his

left

pocket that's a

glimpse I couldn't describe my wife that

well except for the

mustache well Vicki's a very observant

child and uh Jamie why don't you take

Vicky to your room all right let's go

Sherlock well I'm sure the uh Plumbing

cover alls are a phony but we'll do our

best uh how did the burglar get in oh

it's right through the kitchen it's uh

this

way right through that

door oh no wonder no deadbolt lock it's

very simple all he had to do was break

the glass turn the knob easy as pie he

took some of that too

[Laughter]

I guess we really are a burglar's dream

come true sure make you feel helpless

yeah well unfortunately there aren't

enough police to go around but there is

one thing you folks can do to help

protect yourselves what's that you can

set up a neighborhood watch program it

always helps to have your neighbors keep

an eye out for anything suspicious well

does a neighborhood watch work uh very

well except in New York City there when

there's a burglary the neighborhood just

watches

I can have one of the uh other officers

help you set this up if you'd like oh

thank you that would be wonderful MH

it's a terrible feeling to walk in and

discover that somebody's been in your

home I know the feeling my home has been

hit twice and I have a watchdog to scare

them

away and a wife with a mustache

[Laughter]

so the important thing to remember is to

make it hard for the Intruder post a

neighborhood watch sign like this one so

he knows you're wise to his activities

and when you're out for the evening have

your lights on an automatic timer and

make sure your neighbors pick up your

newspaper if you're out of town my

neighbor does that when I'm

home I always put them back after I rate

him but first he cuts out the

coupons another important thing don't

ever leave your house key under the mat

well that's obvious it's the first place

they look right and the second place

they look is the flower pot next to the

front

door got to move that

key all right we've discussed the many

ways that neighborhood watch Works to

prevent crime so uh let's put what we've

learned to the test she must think we're

stupid not all of

us now let's suppose it's a typical

weekday afternoon and and uh you Mrs

Lawson see an unfamiliar vehicle parked

in the neighborhood what do you do well

I write down the license number and then

I called the neighborhood watch Patrol

and had them keep an eye on the car very

good now let's say it's a Saturday night

and uh you Mr Lawson happen to glance

out your window and you spot a stranger

let's say him sneaking around your

neighbor's house well that'd be unlikely

because he's usually sneaking around our

house

house I do not sneak around foot

that's

better well if it really were a burglar

I lert my neighbor call the police and

have this guy taken

in you never make a stick I got a

perfect Alibi every Saturday night I'm

at my lodge meeting you've heard of the

moose and the Elks we're so of their

cousins the

Caribou now if I was home and somebody

was crazy enough to invade my C Castle

Old King Brandon wouldn't need any help

from any neighborhood wash I got

something better

pow a smoking

finger I hope you have a permit for that

handgun Mr brindle you back man's got to

do something to protect his home the

criminals are winning we're losing there

are a lot of criminals behind bars that

would disagree with you Mr

brindle well folks that's about it uh Mr

and Mrs Lawson have agreed to organize

everything so good luck and I wish you a

very safe neighborhood

watch well I've got some information

forms for everyone to fill out well

thank you very much officer again no my

pleasure and you're helping us too you

sure you wouldn't like to stay for some

cake and coffee no thanks I like to

watch my figure how about everybody

does oh could I have one of those

neighborhood wash forms you yeah sure

ni I take it you're not going to join us

no neighborhood watch is a waste of time

well remember that story about The Three

Little Pigs you're liable to be sorry

not this a little

[Laughter]

[Applause]

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pig hammer

Hammer screwdriver

screwdriver

kiss

kiss P

around

later mom dad can you come in the living

room for a minute I got something to

show you oh what's that Jamie well while

you're on the neighborhood watch I'm

doing my part too meet our new home

alarm system the vicron 200

SX I'm programmed to Serve and Protect

this I got to see I'll show you go

outside dad and pretend you're a cat

burglar coming in through the

window what's she going to do Jamie

you'll see Mom ready cat burglar ready

here I come

[Laughter]

some

burglar look a suspicious character is

breaking into our happy home this is a

job for Miami

Vicki Intruder intruder

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[Laughter]

that is really great Jamie H and

identify yourself I mean I'm really

impressed I repeat hul yeah yeah that

that's enough

Vicki slime

ball works great huh dad Ted are you all

right well say something cut her plastic

fingernails

wow

woo anybody home it's your neighbors the

loved

ones hi hi you're looking good got the

new lock huh keeping out the low life so

far it's not

working I know I'm going to hate myself

for asking but what can we do for you

Brandon I need a favor well why should

today be

different what's the favor well see my

wife is bowling tonight with her League

team the gutter gals

gutter gals didn't I see them on

Lifestyles of the Rich and

Famous and I have a lodge meeting

tonight with my fellow caribo and

Harriet's sitter just got sick so now I

don't know what to do with her have you

tried chicken

soup he means he doesn't know what to do

with me but I love chicken soup it's so

healthy except for the chicken of

course so I was wondering would it be

okay if Harriet stayed here until after

the meeting oh sure Brandon bring her

over after dinner what are you having

for dinner pizza why doesn't he bring me

over during dinner I don't eat much I

don't have enough

tea okay Herod you can come for dinner

oh I wouldn't want to

intrude but I will thanks thanks guys I

knew I could count on you I have to go

to the hospital before the meeting to

visit a fellow Caribou he had an

accident was he hurt badly badly enough

so we had to strap him to the fender and

take him to emergency

you know honey we need a new kind of

lock this one's for people we need one

that'll keep out

Caribou the garage door is locked and

secure good hi what you doing going over

this neighborhood watch brochure what's

a neighborhood watch it's where people

from the neighborhood watch each other's

homes and report what they see what's

the big deal I've been making reports to

my mother for

years man

hi Intruder Intruder Hal and identify

yourself oh that's cute which one are

you kagy or

lazy I repeat halt Vicki I'd really like

to play with you sweetie but I've got

work to

do please slime ball you're not C me

Lacy you're Hulk

Hogan sorry about that mister but she

takes vitamins industrial

strength you can read the meter now

forget it kid this month's on

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me hi honey what are you up to oh hi

well remember when officer Egan

suggested we put our lights on a timer

right well I decided to put the whole

house on a timer you see that way even

if we're not home it'll look like we're

home well that sounds great well of

course it's one of the perks of marrying

a

genius okay genius show me how it works

okay Thomas Edison Eat Your Heart

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Out clever dear

Addison invented light and you invented

dark okay well well you see it's not uh

it's not perfected

yet I'll get it

Thana to you too notice anything

different about

me no what this oh you're parting your

hair different don't come on we had an

election down at the lodge tonight and

you are now in the presence of the

Supreme Imperial Caribou congratulations

do we kiss your

[Laughter]

antlers what in the world oh no honey

did did Vicki get

out I don't

know there's really something going on

over there wow there's three squad cars

in a police helicopter I hope nothing

happened down at the bowling alley the

gutter gals can get pretty ugly when

they

lose dad there's that officer doyo guy

yeah officer doyo you got a minute hi

what's going on well it's okay nothing

to worry about we just caught a burglar

breaking in next door the Henderson well

they must have been petrified not that

next door that next door oh the brindle

the brindle that's me I'm a br somebody

call the police pleas

Poli relax Mr brindle he didn't get a

chance to take anything he didn't no too

bad daddy you won't be able to stick

into the insurance

company shut

sweetheart let's go watch him give the

GU a third degree yeah on you see they

caught him with policemen like officer

doy around you don't need your stupid

neighborhood

watch wrong Mr Brendle

the neighborhood watch saw him climbing

into your window and called

us so you want to change your mind about

joining us Bullwinkle

forget oh uh by the way I think this is

yours we got it off the burglar I hear

that in my most secret place the meat

bin of my

refrigerator it's only a secret if the

burglar is a

vegetarian boy I'd hate to lose that

isn't she a

beauty it's all right right folks relax

there are no b*ll*ts in the g*n I took

them

out Mr brindle if you insist on owning a

g*n you better learn how to handle it

always point the barrel up point the

barrel up

[Laughter]

[Applause]

she's a

small

Wonder lovely and bright and soft curs

she's a

small

Wonder a child unlike other girls she's

a miracle and I grant you she'll enchant

you at her sight she's A

Small Wonder brings love and laughter

everywhere

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[Applause]

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