03x23 - Safety First

[bunniefuu]

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she's

a girl unlike other girls

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she's fantastic made of plastic

micro chips here and there she's

a small wonder

brings love and laughter

everywhere

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all right class quiet down

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all right that's better now today we're

gonna discuss

accidents safety and first aid and not

only how to prevent them but what to do

in case you have one

how does that sound boring

oh jamie you wouldn't think it was

boring if somebody you knew

was choking and you were able to save

their life with the heimlich maneuver

what kind of maneuver mrs lawson

heimlich cause tonight

well i guess i walked right into that

one now

who can tell me what this

is called

it's called kissing

no it's called cpr cardiopulmonary

resuscitation

it brings people back to life gifting

can do that too

quiet down later on in the week we'll be

learning some mouth-to-mouth techniques

i'd like to practice my mouth-to-mouth

with jessica ryan

what did you say jamie oh uh nothing

he said he'd like to practice mouthed

mouth with jessica ryan

who like class and i mean it now since

most accidents occur in the home we're

gonna learn some basic home safety

techniques

oh and i also thought it'd be fun to put

on a play to demonstrate how to prevent

accidents

now who would like to volunteer to write

our little play

oh i see we have two volunteers

and i'm sure the play will be both

informative and

funny since it's going to be written by

our two favorite class comedians

jamie and reggie say what

mom we're really not that funny we know

but write it anyway

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[Applause]

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ah

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vicky what are you doing with that

feather duster tied to your back

i'm doing multi-tasking i'm programmed

to do four different things at once

this is two of them vacuuming and

dusting

very clever what are the other two

things

i can tap dance and sing while vacuuming

and dusting

uh when the saints go marching into

this

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and very good vicky

thank you thank you very much thank you

it's so nice to come home to a standing

ovation

ted i think he was just demonstrating

her multi-tasking capabilities

really well let me demonstrate one of

mine watch closely vicky this is really

interesting

that's called cpr he's bringing you back

to life

so that's why i'm breathing harder huh

i'm teaching jamie's class about

life-saving techniques like cpr and the

heimlich

gazoon height well i know how to do the

heimlich maneuver first you

place your arms around the victim's

waist like this that's right

then you place your right fist halfway

between the navel and the sternum like

this

very good and then you take your left

hand cover your right fist like this

and you give three quick thrusts like

this

and i don't know about you but i

certainly feel better

raw meat again for lunch tiger

what's that bell for vicki it's time to

shut the raw meat in the oven

tiger a witness sinks to touch

go marching into sex

oh get it you go get ready for dinner

oh hi harriet hi sweet cheeks jamie are

out

sweet cheeks is doing his homework

before dinner

mmm something smells delicious what are

you making

roast beef oh that sounds

wonderful well i guess i'd better go

home and

file my terrible tasteless dinner

thaw it's mom's bowling night

and my dad can't even boil water without

burning it

so it's another crummy frozen tv dinner

for me

i'm sorry sometimes i don't even bother

heating it up

just pull it out of the freezer and lick

it

i'll probably grow up underneath all

wrinkled like a freckled prune

harriet uh wait uh why don't you stay

and have dinner with us

really oh i'd love to but i'd have to

tell my father

will you do that honey daddy dinner

we'd love to

oh that was delicious johnny thank you

brandon

i haven't had a dinner that good since

uh oh look i remember when

i can since the last time you invited

yourself here

i'd like to propose a toast here's to

jamie

the apple of my eye now you have to

toast me jamie

okay here's to harriet the worm in the

apple

jamie the cute worm in the apple

that's better that was beautiful

well i'd like to propose a toast too to

my dearest friends in the whole world

oh brandon too bad they're not here

tonight

down the hatch

you all right brandon emergency choking

arms around the waist no vicky fists

like this

what is she doing the heimlich three

quick threats

one two three

[Applause]

she broke my back

i don't know about you but i certainly

feel better

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[Applause]

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hey james will you stop walking in

circles and make me

dizzy all riders pace when they think

gets the blood flowing to the brain well

we better get more ink flowing to the

paper

but it won't be in a playful class okay

what have we got so far okay safety

first

written by reggie williams and jamie

lawson wait wait wait

why isn't it jamie lawson and reggie

williams because i've got the pencil

daddy isn't pretending you're hurt a

little sneaky

of course it is that's why we're doing

it

don't you have any idea how hard it is

to get money out of an insurance company

no and you better not say anything to

give me away loose lips

oh i won't because you're my father

and i can do what i'm told that's my

little girl

and i also love having something to

blackmail you with

darn just when we were on a roll

hi what happened to your neck miss

brindle get a whiplash no

vicky lash this is what you did to me

last night with that uh

what do you call it heimlich kazoo

knight

oh oh it is very painful

it even hurts when i brush my teeth

right harris

right daddy

then don't brush your teeth just put

them in a glass of water

that's funny

i didn't mean real funny so where are

your parents jamie

in the kitchen uh oh

it even hurts to walk but

big boys don't cry

poor baby well

what are you guys doing and can i do it

with you we're writing a play for school

and no a play what's it about

accidents in the home can i be in it

i've had

experience yeah you look like you've

been in the accident

i'll ignore that i once played the part

of juliet

i had the audience holding their breath

and don't say that's better than holding

your nose

well you can't be in our play harriet

because we're in

junior high and you're still in grade

school you're making a big mistake

when i grow up i'm going to be a movie

star

that's possible they'll still be making

monster movies

oh oh thank you joe thank you teddy

you are such dear considerate friends

uh vicky uh get bringing some nice fresh

coffee please

nice fresh coffee no keep her away from

me she'll k*ll me

forget the coffee vicky forget the

coffee brandon we're sorry this happened

but it was just an accident

vicki thought she was saving your life

of course she did

oh oh was she to know what she was

really doing was giving me a slip desk a

pinched nerve and three cracked ribs

gee is that what your doctor said no

that's what my lawyer said

but i don't want you to think that this

incredible pain

and torment is causing me any trouble

whatever

it doesn't no what a guy what a trooper

gently gently no all i do is

think of all that money and i feel like

a million dollars

oh what money the money i'm going to get

from suing you

what a guy what a trooper

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brandon you can't be serious about suing

us i think he just thought you were

choking was trying to save your life by

using the heimlich maneuver behind the

maneuver

she wants to finish me off stop stop

vicky oh thank heavens

teddy teddy teddy teddy i am not a

heartless man

it's just that there is no room for

sentiment in matters of money

and here we are talking about a lot of

money

mucho dinero piles of pesos

besides it's not as if i'm suing you

personally i'm suing your insurance

company

you are insured aren't you well of

course i am brandon

but but if they have to pay off a big

claim like this they're gonna raise my

rates

they might even cancel my policy don't

you hate it when they do that

well dear friends i'll see

i'll see you in court

ted what are you doing i knew it i knew

it

he's not hurt at all he's faking how do

you know that because no man with a

pinched nerve a slip disc and three

cracked ribs can do this well at least

think it over about me being in your

play

i'm a good actress watch

this is lauren the collins you have

and have not

if you want me just whistle

you know how to whistle don't you just

put your lips together and blue

[Laughter]

now i'll do an imitation for you harriet

and listen closely

you know how to get lost don't you

you just open the door and blow

all right when we finish writing this we

have to figure out who gets to play what

parts to no play

well vicky can play the wife and i'll

play the husband

okay i'll be the narrator now

that just leaves the party baby shirley

who can we get to play her

i don't know but it's not gonna be easy

all the accidents happen to baby shirley

she really takes a beating

yeah who do we know that's dumb enough

to take apart like that

harriet

oh harriet have we got a part for you

now class it's time for our play

demonstrating common

accidents in the home written and

directed by reggie williams and jamie

lawson

i am also known as jamie lawson and

reggie williams

featuring vicki lawson as mrs klutz

and by special arrangement with her

school a guest appearance

by harriet brindle as baby shirley

[Applause]

thank you thank you good afternoon

students

before you we have a typical american

family we'll call the klutz family

as our play opens mr klutz like all

typical american husbands

is watching a football game on tv and

mrs klutz

like all typical american wives is on

the phone

oh you'll love my plumber he's wonderful

hold on i'll get his number for you

a typical american husband um yes

typical american wife

what's the phone number of our typical

american plumber

i don't know you could look it up in a

typical american phone book

good typical american thinking

i don't know look at that phone card

someone could trip over it and get hurt

and look here comes baby shirley my

milk's cold

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somebody could get hurt and look

mrs klutz left that jar open that could

be

dangerous

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[Applause]

baby shirley there's a sucker in the

cupboard

oh this typical american family's about

to have another typical american

accident in the typical american kitchen

give up show business

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[Applause]

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honey what are you doing oh this is part

of my plan to prove that

brandon is faking his broken neck but we

already know that

but we know he's faking and he knows

he's faking but he doesn't know we know

i know so the trick is to get him to do

something that proves he's faking and

then he'll know we know and then we'll

know he

knows then what who knows

that's brandon i invited him over to

discuss the lawsuit

oh hi brandon how you feeling oh

it even hurts when i talk i get a

terrible pain in the neck

has the same effect on us

so uh teddy what did you want to talk

about uh about the suit oh yeah

brandon uh i've been giving this a lot

of thought and i thought that wait oh oh

gee

brandon geez i almost hit your toe there

would you uh pick up the hammer for me

brandon

gee i'm awful sorry titty but uh i can't

bend over lawyer's orders

uh doctor's doctor's orders

yeah joan would you uh hand me the uh

hammer please

sure so uh about the suit

oh yeah brandon well like i said

considering

everything that that we've talked about

well i've all brand is in the picture

my beautiful picture brandon why didn't

you uh

save the picture hey teddy you know i

can't move

besides i gotta tell you looked at me

like a cheap print anyway

you were saying about the uh about the

suit oh yeah brandon uh i've been giving

it a lot of thought and well oh save me

brad and see me

uh no i think i tore something what

my shorts i don't want you to worry

about the shirt

i'll just add a couple thou to the claim

hey why are you on the ground dad clubsy

fool fell off the ladder

wouldn't enough if you'd have caught me

brandon

old brendan sees her right through you

you thought i was gonna make some big

move to catch you like this

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i thought you couldn't move brandon jeff

and i don't know don't try

to deny it oh but i'm in great pain

forget it brandon there's no you suing

us now you're faking no wait a minute

not so fast not so fast

uh i'll split the money with you right

down the middle 80 for me 20 for you

brandon that would be cheating 60 40.

brandon just my luck

all the neighbors there are in the world

i have to get the worst kind

honest i'll see you brandon

better luck next time what a character

yeah well listen honey i'll uh i'll hang

this for you anyway uh we can get new

glass later all right

here i better hold the ladder for you

dad statistics show that a person has an

accident in the home

every 10 seconds right vicky right

that person should get out of the house

more often

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[Applause]

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jesus

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she's a miracle

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take