04x21 - The Tattletale

[bunniefuu]

morning John what are you doing painting

a battleship Johnny don't you remember

last night I said I was gonna make

breakfast today I was gonna make my

liver and cabbage omelet okay go ahead

and make jokes but back in college I was

famous for my liver and cabbage omelet I

mean I was the fraternity cook you know

your cooking is the reason I started

swallowing goldfish okay okay you guys

are the losers

oh speaking of college Johnny you'll

never guess who I ran into yesterday who

just happened to be passing through town

Benny

gross Danni gross oh no not that awful

fraternity brother if you were the same

Benny gross that wrote that sleazy

gossip column in the college newspaper

just thinking about it makes me want to

bathe he gave me one of his big bear

hugs and I wanted to walk through a

carwash

hey I need to talk to you

Oh PGS what Oh pgs outside please girls

stuff come back PDQ a okay Vicky

Princess Girls Club at school

Jaime says the rich stuck-up and spoiled

my kind of girl

hey dude we're gonna ask you to join cuz

you're the smartest girl in school and

the best cheerleader but I'm not rich

stuck-up and spoiled no problem you can

be tied up like that by an expert

[Music]

now remember what I taught you biggie

when dealing with the princesses this

community er you are the batter the

studios the better come dear now Vicky

we desire to speak with you for a minute

love

the name is Victoria not so Vicky Vicky

I like your attitude

it's tres chic it's more than I can say

for that dress cut down how his eyes

said that it will

Victoria we're toying with the idea of

asking you to become a princess it's a

great honor you know of course it is for

you you don't seem to understand we have

to think about you darlings yes we have

to check out your background your family

and your closets

yes skeletons you know we bought the

Macondo

hey Oh Jamie your sisters talking to the

princesses or they've boxes yeah they're

probably using her to get to me

Yeah right that's why I use a share to

get to Peavy Harvey

oh yeah we'll watch as the big Jay shows

you had a bait the hook and reel one in

a there's boxes okay buzzer who are you

her more to the point what are you I'm

Jamie think he's older sophisticated

worldly available brother

Victoria will consider you anyway Oh

[Music]

Vickie Joanne darling the name is

Victoria and I don't do menial tasks

that's why we have hired servants but we

don't happen to have any hired servants

then hire stone

what's up asked Queen Victoria who you

better take a look at Vicki she's acting

very peculiar right in a minute honey

would you believe the kitchen staff just

serve me a life you've passed in mind

hold it hold it hold it Queenie yes

Daddy dude well apparently somebody

reprogrammed her she's having a circuit

malfunction it turn around Vicki Oh as I

started to say honey would you believe

that sleazeball Benny gross phoned me at

work today how how he tracked me down I

will never know well you didn't ask him

over are you kidding I just gave him the

old let's get together some time and

then I hung up right good that'll save

us from ever the house fumigated what

are you doing here

what do you say let's get together

sometime and I gotta go out of town

tomorrow so here I am Carol

I bet you have to go out of town Joanie

baby cutie come in and give all Benny a

major-league

let's k*ll skinny as a rail nothing a

man can sink his teeth into still looks

like a hairy beach ball

hey who's this little spark plug well

this is Dora our daughter of Vicky well

it's nice to meet security of course it

is please

excuse me I desire a hey what's that

thing on her back well that said that

you see she likes to watch those robots

from outer space cartoons you know and

and she likes to pretend that she's a

robot and and so I built her that

backpack yeah

it's real I mean after all Ted here's a

robotics engineer really you know I

never had you figured for an egghead

came out of your shell oh hey hey but

speaking of eggs any chance of getting

one of your great liver and cabbage

omelets we really weren't expecting

guests for dinner it'll be just us so

what do you guys been up to

nothing yeah that figures what do you

been up to now I happen to be in more

supermarkets than Captain Crunch yes

because of me that people don't get

bored and check out lines what do you do

yodel and drop your pants I don't know

how to yell

no no you know those gossip papers they

saw in the checkout lines well I am the

ace reporter for the national tattletale

you're kidding hey if I'm lying I'm

dying wait wait wait you mean you write

those stories like like like the ghost

of Elvis cured my baldness but I

couldn't compare with my Nebraska wiped

out by mayonnaise family my Siamese

twins win doubles title in tennis

tournament wrote those stupid stories

you actually read them where do you get

all these strange ideas anyplace well

look like you've just given me a great

idea for a story we have what yeah it's

about a story about a robotics engineer

who builds a robot and passes our off as

his human daughter one day come on Betty

that's absurd I mean I mean that kind of

technology is years away I mean it's

absolutely impossible yeah I suppose

you're right print that drivel would be

our competitor the public people peeper

yes they'll print anything oh but not me

it's nice to know you have such high

standards

they said the S word start dinner Ted

would you get the large serving platter

down for me please yeah sure honey yeah

all right now make yourself at home

Benny

take your time take your time oh sure is

a nice place you got here pal yes the

Nerds wind up with all the bucks

cute kid

[Music]

nice frame

[Music]

Jamie did your sister come with an

extension card what do you mean how much

did you have to change her batteries oh

well see for yourself

no I mean what's up

[Applause]

small wonder we'll return after these

messages

Johnny I'm home I'll get it no don't

answer that

why not see he's published another crank

call about Vicky things that everybody

in town has read that article yeah I

know it's the same at the office

everybody's kidding me about my daughter

the robot goes for writing this yeah I

got another headline for him irate

father dismembers chubby reporter hi

Jamie what happened to you

I got into a fight about someone making

fun of Vicky who the 8th grade

kids can be so cool when they when they

think somebody's different fact I know

some adults who aren't much better

unfortunately for Vicki a robot can't

have any feeling you've got the whole

thing hi

am i a robot

of course you weren't sweetheart you are

there our own sweet little girl you see

it's it's not possible for us to love a

machine as much as we love you we love

you very much honey you were the dearest

most loving daughter and mother could

wish for okay boy you ask a simple

question you get a pageant dad you ever

gonna tell her she's a robot

I can't Jamie you see she's programmed

to think that she's a real little girl

so I can see how close to a human she

can get another crank call

goodness said it better myself

handsome how you've got to put a stop to

this yeah and fast I mean what if

somebody believes that article and

decides to investigate Viki what can you

do well the only way out is to prove

that Viki isn't the robot fingers a tiny

flaw in your logic she is a robot right

and if people read one paper and believe

that maybe they'll read another paper

and believe that she's human what papers

that Benny's rival paper you know the

one that he said would print anything

oh yes information can I have the number

for the public people paper paper please

no I'm afraid I can't repeat that

that must be the man from the paint for

the public pooper-scooper

you're right the first time

ready ready this is awesome

yes I'm William Willis from the public

people paper the paper for peeping

people thank you hi Ted Lawson now

please sit down thank you very much I'm

sorry I couldn't get here sooner but I

had to meet a deadline for next week's

edition big story Merv Griffin eaten by

a giant clam I can't wait to read it so

you say you have a story for me besides

I wanted to meet this daughter of yours

the so called robot-y mr. Willis you

sound as if you don't believe the story

written in the National tattletale Oh

nobody believes anything that phoney rag

prints well what's the story you've got

anyhow why didn't you give it to them

yeah they promised to pay us $1,000 for

the story about our robot daughter and

when they printed it they refused to pay

but we got the last laugh oh we're no

fool we didn't tell them the whole story

oh well what is the whole story mr.

Willis we don't intend to get burned

again so if I give you a story that's

four times as good as the one the

tattletale printed what's it worth to

you oh you are distrustful and conniving

kind of people tell you what I'll do if

your story is really as good as four

times as you say it is I will give you a

check for four times the amount that

don't pay you four thousand three all

right it's a deal

well what's the story already well we

told the tattletale about our robot

daughter but we didn't tell them about

our other special children oh what's so

special about them they're robots to a

whole family of robots come on give me a

break all right mr. Willis would you

like to meet them more than the Tooth

Fairy okay you already met our robot

daughter Vicky Vicky you come out here

please say hello Vicky hello you men I'd

like you to meet our other robot

daughter say hello Harriette hello human

robot daughter

[Applause]

Jimmy no hello human

and finally our force robots daughter

say hello Regina

absolutely amazing aren't they

okay robots let's show mr. Willis what

you can do

[Music]

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[Applause]

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I'm a dancer

[Music]

to dance implausible Bumstead easier so

watch me

[Music]

[Applause]

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Oh aren't they fantastic mr. Willis

front page stuff huh hey I wasn't born

yesterday robots can't sing and dance

like that what's that you say not

satisfied want more for your money you

got it

robots take your positions

pinkies up robots do your thing

[Laughter]

I'll admit it mr. Willis no human kids

could do that you're right

Watson you've just not Merv in his giant

clam off the front page

the headlines now gonna read engineer

builds for robot children well that's

terrific okay robots drop the sofa hey

what's going on here you've got a

hydraulic lift under here what are you

two trying to kids what's your top moose

calling you real kid how's this for a

headline lost in there

tattletale lies robot daughter is a real

little girl

oh oh I can't wait to stick it to that

phony rag oh I love you You wonderful

fraud

and now our problem is finally solved

Jamie what's that look kind of cute in

that dress hit you with my purse

[Applause]