02x02 - Please Submit/The Flawed Couple/Everyday Safety

[bunniefuu]

theme song playing ♪

- It's time for Animaniacs! ♪

And we're zany to the max ♪

So just sit back and relax ♪

You'll laugh till you collapse ♪

We're Animaniacs! ♪

- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪

- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪

Just for fun, we run around

the Warner movie lot ♪

They lock us in the tower

whenever we get caught ♪

But we break loose and then vamoose

and now you know the plot ♪

We're Animaniacs ♪

Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪

Wakko packs away the snacks ♪

Our careers have made comebacks ♪

We're Animaniacs! ♪

Meet Pinky and the Brain

who want to rule the universe ♪

A brand new cast who tested well

in focus group research ♪

Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪

And ethnically diverse ♪

The trolls will say we're so passé,

but we did meta first ♪

We're Animaniacs ♪

You should see our new contracts ♪

We're zany to the max,

there's baloney in our slacks ♪

We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪

- Inertial reference frame-y ♪

- Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪

♪

♪

- As the CEO of Warner Brothers,

I've been told by my executive coach

that I need to listen more,

even though listening is very boring

and my least favorite of all the senses.

So, let me know how I can improve

life on the lot.

[sarcastically]:

I'd love to hear from all of you.

DIRECTOR [whispering]:

Okay, that was great, but could we just

- Well then, how was

I supposed to say that line!?

[angry growl]

[fighting]

DIRECTOR: Nora, no! Oh!

YAKKO: What are you two doing?

- The CEO created

an online suggestion box!

- Okay. I want beef chili

in the water fountains,

a "Young Wakko" spin-off

starring me as my own dad,

and every other Friday,

we shouldn't have to wear pants.

- You already don't wear pants.

- Oh

Fine then! I want some pants

to take off every other Friday!

[click, beep]

[beep]

- Ugh. That's annoying.

What's the point of doing anything on

the internet if you can't be anonymous?

- Yeah! I'm not gonna put in my email.

- Then don't.

[beep]

- Hey! Make like a cobbler and shoo!

[growling]

- Eh, forget it, Dot.

We should probably get off

the computer anyway.

♪

- What the H-E-pair of chopsticks!?

FEMALE POP-UP VOICE:

Hello. Please sign up.

- Never! [grunts]

POP-UP:

Hello. Please sign up.

[screaming]

Signing up is fun and free.

[Warners screaming]

[panting]

- Okay. I think the coast is--

POP-UP: Please sign up.

[motorized shredding]

ALL:

Phew!

[beeping]

Sign up to make

the world a better place.

[screaming]

♪

dramatic sting ♪

[rumbling]

[gulps]

[screaming]

[sighing]

[smash]

[all gasp]

[beep]

Hello.

[screaming]

Let's get started.

[thud]

It will only take a few seconds.

[smashing]

- We said

not now!

[grunts]

[beep]

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

- Please sign up.

Please sign up

[beeping]

♪

[shoveling]

DOT/WAKKO: Phew!

- Okay, uh,

does anybody wanna say a few words?

- Sure. Ahem.

Mustard. Umbrella.

Borborygmus.

[stomach growl]

- That was beautiful, Wakko.

- Well, what should we do--

Ah!

POP-UP: Sign up to continue.

[thunder crashes]

- No! [sobs]

- I think we should just submit!

- [sighs] Maybe you're right.

♪

[beep]

[typing]

- Why'd you pick YakkoWarner2?

- YakkoWarner was taken.

- By me!

[Yakko growls]

[beep]

POP-UP:

Thank you. Please note. By submitting

[faster]:

you, the undersigned, forfeit all rights,

privileges, and licenses

herein and herein contained,

et cetera, et cetera,

sanctus sanctus dominus, e pluribus unum,

ipso facto, veni vidi vici, et tu brute.

[zap]

♪

- Finally! Peace at last!

[laughter]

[thunder, wind blowing]

♪

- Oh no! We're getting spammed!

DOT/WAKKO:

Ah!

MALE POP-UP VOICE: We've made

some changes to our privacy policy

by eliminating the privacy

part of the policy.

[Warners screaming]

FEMALE POP-UP VOICE:

Get 80% off our least desirable items.

- Ooh! I can't say no to 80% off.

What if they have

hot looks at cool prices?

BOTH:

No! Don't open it!

[chimes]

[gasp, groaning]

- They got Wakko!

[beeping]

♪

[crackling]

- [robotic]: Greetings, Dot Warner.

I can't believe the deal I got

on these name brand sunglasses.

Clic-click here.

- He's been hacked!

♪

♪

♪

- [robotic]: Greetings, Yakko Warner.

I-I-I can't believe the deal I got

on these na-name brand sunglasses.

Click here.

[screaming]

- Get thee behind me, scammers!

The power of two-factor

authentication compels you!

[grunting]

- [robotic]:

Greetings, Dot Warner.

[beeping]

♪

[thunder crashes]

- It's not working!

- We've gotta reformat him!

[grunts]

♪

[straining]

[beeping]

Log out of all active sessions!

BOTH:

Reset password with at least

one number, capital letter,

and special character!

- [robotic]: I have successfully

[normal]:

changed all my passwords.

[sighs] What happened?

Did I get the cool looks at hot prices?

POP-UP:

We are so sad to see you go.

What if we only get in touch, like,

three times a day? Is that okay?

♪

[Dot and Yakko screaming]

[all screaming]

[buzzing]

ALL:

Unsubscribe! Unsubscribe!

♪

[buzzing]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[all screaming]

[all panting]

DOT/YAKKO: Phew.

[Wakko grunts]

[screaming]

[straining]

- Wa--

[shredding]

♪

[screaming, yelling]

dramatic sting ♪

[grunts]

[engine revving]

[screaming]

[crash, expl*si*n]

[gasping]

[wind blowing]

[yell, grunting]

dramatic sting ♪

[thunder crashes]

- No!

[screams]

♪

- In all seriousness, folks,

the internet can be a treacherous place.

Be careful not to submit

your personal information

to third parties.

- Thank you, Wakko. In fact,

there is only one website you can trust.

indentitythefttrojanhorsebotcom.edy

- Order now, and use

the promo code "suckers"

to add 50% onto your purchase!

[thunder]

Pinky & the Brain theme playing ♪

- Gee, Brain,

what do you wanna do tonight?

- The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world!

[thunder crashes]

♪

- They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

One is a genius ♪

The other's insane ♪

They're laboratory mice ♪

Their genes have been spliced ♪

They're dinky,

they're Pinky and the Brain ♪

Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪

- Expecting to see your two favorite mice

being dumb and smart

or whatever it is that they do?

Unfortunately,

nobody's seen them in months.

So, to fill the slot,

I turned otherwise useless footage

into a nostalgic streaming experience!

You see, Pinky and the Brain wasn't always

the show we know and love today.

In fact, the studio

struggled to find a vehicle

for the dynamic duo for a long,

long time.

What you're about to see

are the original pilots

for Pinky and the Brain.

They've never been seen by anyone before.

Except the archival editor

who shaves his face

over the water fountain.

So, open wide, baby birdies.

Mommy's about to regurgitate some slop

into your content-hungry mouths.

[retching]

[bars and tone]

'50s-style music ♪

ANNOUNCER:

The Pink and The Brain Show!

Starring Pinky!

And The Brain!

[canned laughter]

[grumble]

[slam]

- [sighs] Pinky! I'm home!

I snuck out of work early

because Old Man Jenkins

is taking the senior partners

out for a celebratory dinner.

But of course, I didn't get the invite.

[sniffing]

Pinky, what is that putrid smell!?

[splatter]

- That's din--

[applause]

That's dinner, Brain.

I made potatoes all rotten!

[canned laughter]

[groans]

- It's potatoes au gratin,

you domestic doddypoll.

One of these days, I'm gonna

transfer the kinetic energy of my fist

into a force vector applied

directly to your oral aperture!

- Ooh! I've never been to Connecticut.

Sounds cozy.

[screaming studio laughter]

[laughter quiets down]

Hey, Brain!

Why don't we go celebrate

me ruining dinner

by going to eat dinner at

a fancy dinner restaurant?

- Ah, yes.

And let me guess.

Whatever restaurant we choose

will be the exact establishment my boss

[Director screams]

and the senior partners are dining at

this evening, correct?

This, despite the fact that we live in

a sprawling metropolis,

where the possibility

of picking the same

restaurant is almost nil.

- Ahem. Spoiler alert.

[studio laughter]

- Warner Brothers

[laughter continues]

[fire alarm ringing]

- Well, that's the last time

I make those potatoes!

♪

- Test audiences found Brain's character

patriarchal, cruel, and sadistic.

Yah!

[glass shatters]

Despite having everything a 1950s audience

was looking for in a TV husband,

the show failed due

to creative differences.

But they gave him

another shot a few years later.

[bars and tone]

Brady Bunch-style music ♪

- Here's a ditty 'bout

a mouse named Pinky ♪

Who had three little

Pinkies of her own ♪

[laughing]

They all had fur that's

white like their mama ♪

The baby wore a cone ♪

Here's a refrain 'bout

a mouse named Brain ♪

[Brain yelps]

He had three little

Brain boys by his side ♪

- No!

This is a flawed premise.

Nobody with three children

would willingly sign up

for three more.

Who wrote this improbable drivel?

- Um, it was based on my life.

- Well, I suggest you

write yourself a new one.

That's what I think of you,

Warner Brothers!

[laughter]

[crash]

♪

- Now, who's going to

teach me how to drive?

- It's always about you!

Pinky, Pinky, Pinky!

- Eh, I can't say this

one was all on Brain.

It was 1969.

Everyone was making bad decisions.

For instance, my sister Theodora

was born that year. [growls]

This next pilot took all the attention

away from Mommy and Daddy

and lasted as long

as Theodora's first marriage.

Enjoy.

[bars and tone]

[Warners laughing]

[panting]

Cheers-style music ♪

- Getting through

to the end of the day ♪

Sure is pretty hard ♪

Stepping back would surely shed ♪

Some light on where you are ♪

How would you like to take a break? ♪

Don't you wanna be ♪

Where the coffee's always hot? ♪

And you know they'll brew another pot ♪

Life is tough, and you are sad ♪

So go and drink until you're glad ♪

The coffee's black, and it is hot ♪

Forget about everything you're not ♪

Just go somewhere

and avoid your problems ♪

Instead of facing them ♪

Yeah, coffee ♪

♪

theme ends ♪

PINKY: Narfs is filmed in front of

a live studio audience. Narfs!

[audience applause, cheering]

[grunts]

[thunder crashes]

- Afternoon, Pinky.

ALL: Brain!

- How does everyone in here know my name?

- This is a place where

everybody knows your name.

Didn't you listen to the theme song?

- It didn't mention that

in the theme song.

[coffee maker whistling]

- Oh. Maybe that's that other song

that's almost the same, but way better.

- Regardless, it's quite a depressing

ditty for a comedy show, don't you think?

Don't any of you have hopes or dreams?

[coffee maker whistling, rattling]

- I hope I can get another coffee!

[audience laughter]

[laughing]

- [sighs] Forget it.

[grunts]

[laughter continues]

[whistling, rattling]

- [laughing] Ooh?

BRAIN:

Warner Brothers!

- It took Warner Brothers eight years

to calm Brain down. [grunts]

And when that didn't work,

they threatened to make him

the "next Urkel."

And with that, he was back the same day

to sh**t this next pilot.

[bars and tone]

Fresh Prince of Bel Air-style music ♪

- So, this is a tale,

I'm telling you how ♪

A mouse's life got all messed around ♪

And I'd rather take no time

and tell you point blank ♪

About how I became

the Fresh Pinky of Burbank ♪

Narf! Narf Narf! Narf! Poit! ♪

♪

[grunts]

[audience cheering]

- Pinky! You were supposed

to be back over an hour ago!

- My bad, Brain.

I guess I'm not used to the rules

because I'm from

the wrong side of the tracks.

- Well, be that as it may,

you're going to have a lot

of explaining to do

when Mom and Dad get home.

- Why would I have to explain

that I was late? [grunts]

They'll never know, unless you tell 'em.

AUDIENCE:

Ooh

- Are you suggesting that I lie

to my mother and father?

- All I'm saying is what they

don't know can't hurt them.

[audience cheering]

- Wow, Pinky.

I suppose despite my academic prowess,

I still can learn quite a bit from you.

- You're darn right, Brain.

You've got the book smarts,

but I've got the street smarts.

- I've got street smarts, too! Heck,

I've even got street moves! Check it out!

[audience cheering]

hip hop music playing ♪

[cheering continues]

They love me. They really, really love me!

♪

- Huzzah! What is the word, my good man?

[laughs]

[crowd cheering]

[laughing]

[Egwind grunts]

[crickets chirping]

[crowd cheering]

[grunts]

[audience gasps]

- You philistines.

I've debased myself in front of you

with my circus chicanery,

and yet, you worship at the feet of

this sunglassed buffoon!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Woo!

- Well, I will be your Pagliacci no more!

[Egwind gasps]

- Fare thee well!

[crash]

- Good riddance, you third rate,

third wheel ham actor!

[eagle screeches]

[Egwind screams]

♪

I am finished doing

terrible sitcom pilots!

There's more to life than being told

what to say and do all the time, Pinky!

Now, come with me!

- Righto!

- We must prepare for tomorrow night.

- Why, Brain? What are

we gonna do tomorrow night?

- Try to take over the world!

- And with that iconic proclamation,

the highly successful

Pinky and the Brain franchise was born.

And now, it's dead

because they're missing.

[phone rings]

What is it!?

Oh! You found them!

Wonderful. Get them back on set!

[grunts]

- How adorable.

She thinks she's punishing us,

when she's actually punishing

our clones.

- Clones?

- That's right.

♪

[alarm blares]

After receiving the latest script

of our "adventures,"

I reached my breaking point.

I will no longer do the bidding

of my television overlords.

Instead,

I have created clones

who will do my bidding,

leaving us free to truly

pursue world domination.

- So, you mean to tell me

the Pinky and the Brain show

isn't going to be us anymore?

- Precisely. No one will be the wiser

as these clones are indistinguishable

from us in every facet!

- [Brain's voice]: Gee, Brain.

What do you wanna do tonight?

- [Pinky's voice]: Pancakes!

- Narf [inhales deeply]

- Egad! It's like looking in the mirror!

[sighs]

- Cloning is an art, not a science.

And alas, I am merely

the world's foremost scientific mind.

Come, Pinky.

We must prepare for tomorrow night.

- Why, Brain?

What are we gonna do tomorrow night?

[gasps] Ooh, please let it be pancakes!

[machine hissing]

- The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world!

[hissing, rattling]

♪

[VCR clicking, whirring]

distorted music ♪

retro upbeat music ♪

- Hey, g*ng!

It's time for Everyday Safety!

- That's right! We're here to give you

everyday safety tips for

the most common emergencies.

- Tonight, what to do in the event of

a giant, exploding syrup factory

at the top of a very tall hill

overlooking your city.

♪

Think fast! Don't panic!

A million gallons of piping hot syrup

are racing toward you!

First,

grab your emergency supplies.

They should be in your

Exploding Syrup Factory Emergency Bag.

- It should contain an inflatable raft,

a metric ton of ice,

an ant farm with three active queens,

some pancake mix, a bat,

and a radio.

- Inflate the raft and throw it

at the syrup wave

to buy yourself some time.

[grunts]

YAKKO:

Now, carve the metric ton of ice

into an authentic igloo

and take shelter inside.

- Better get carving!

That syrup's coming in hot!

♪

[grinding]

- It's finished!

[door slams]

relaxed music ♪

[rattling]

- Oh no! My hands are sticky,

and I don't have a napkin

because it's an emergency.

- Don't worry.

That's what the ants are for.

♪

[ants chirping]

[gasps]

- What's the radio for?

- Once the syrup cools,

we'll be trapped in here

for millions of years

like mosquitoes in amber,

so we'll need some entertainment.

NPR DJ:

You're listening to hour 97

of "The Art and Craft of Storytelling,"

with Irv Gold.

IRV GOLD:

I often ask myself, what is storytell--

[Dot grunts]

[fizzling]

- And that is what the bat's for.

This has been Everyday Safety.

Tune in next time

when we share tips

for when you're with your grandmother

visiting a home

for rehabilitated rattlesnakes,

and there's a power failure

that opens the doors to

the rattlesnake enclosure,

but also your pockets

are filled with maracas,

so you can't tell where

the sounds are coming from.

[hissing, rattling]

- Who wants the first Flatty Patty?

- Mm! Oh no! We forgot the butter!

Don't worry, I'll go get some.

DOT/YAKKO:

No!

[splattering]

[gasps]

♪

WAKKO [distorted]:

Oh, the viscosity!

retro upbeat music ♪

♪