02x08 - Wakkiver Twist/Plight of Hand

[bunniefuu]

theme song playing ♪

- It's time for Animaniacs! ♪

And we're zany to the max ♪

So just sit back and relax ♪

You'll laugh till you collapse ♪

We're Animaniacs! ♪

- Come join the Warner Brothers ♪

- And the Warner Sister Dot ♪

Just for fun, we run around

the Warner movie lot ♪

They lock us in the tower

whenever we get caught ♪

But we break loose and then vamoose

and now you know the plot ♪

We're Animaniacs ♪

Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪

Wakko packs away the snacks ♪

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Meet Pinky and the Brain

who want to rule the universe ♪

A brand new cast who tested well

in focus group research ♪

Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪

And ethnically diverse ♪

The trolls will say we're so passé,

but we did meta first ♪

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We're zany to the max,

there's baloney in our slacks ♪

We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪

- This horse's mane-y ♪

- Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪

♪

dramatic music ♪

[screaming]

[thunder]

[sneezes]

- Blegh.

- It's working, Mrs. Brainble.

Soon, this putrid nutrient slop of yours

will have broken their spirits entirely,

making these orphans the perfect

worker drones for my latest plan

to seize control of the British Empire!

- Oh, it is good to see

you smile, Mr. Brainble.

I'm so happy!

We're living in blissful

matrimony, and [laughs]

me accent don't seem

so out of place for once. Narf!

- Please, sir, can I have

seconds?

- Seconds!? Wait,

you actually like

this fetid calorie paste, urchin?

- I love it! But, this is a guy

who literally eats a dump truck

full of garbage in the intro,

so maybe take my opinion

with a grain of salt.

- Egad! A grain of salt! Genius!

♪

- Gruel, gruesome ol' gruel ♪

Tastes like milky fishes ♪

You think that it's cruel ♪

But I think it's delicious ♪

Foul, rancid, and stinkin', boys ♪

Just look at it splashin' ♪

[screaming]

If you won't be drinkin', boys ♪

I'll slurp up your rations ♪

[rhythmic slurping]

[slurping]

Just thinking of eating it ♪

Is enough to make me drool ♪

Oh, gruel, sickening gruel ♪

Maggoty gruel ♪

Gruesome ol' gruel! ♪

What's for dessert? Is it more gruel?

[growls]

Ah! Whoa!

Now, where am I gonna get my gruel?

- There is this one place I've

heard of that still serves gruel,

but it's all the way in London.

- How far is that?

- Ah, about a 10 second, 19 frame montage.

♪

[sniffing]

♪

And it should be right

- But you're not even holding a map!

- Some improv partner you are.

[sniffing]

What's wrong, boy?

Fire down at the old mill?

- Timmy's fallen down a well?

- The advent of the industrial revolution

has led to cheaper material goods,

but at great human and environmental cost?

- It's gruel!

♪

foreboding music ♪

FAGINSNIFF:

Ah It appears we have new guests.

Velcome, my dearies. [laughs]

I am Dr. Faginsniff.

- Howdy doody!

Name's Yakk Dawkins, Faginsniff,

better known amongst me more

inti-mates as the Artful Yakker.

This here is Dottie Bates.

- How dare you call me Dottie!

- It's your name in this sketch, sis.

We all have to make adjustments.

Look at me! I'm wearing a coat!

- I'm still not wearing any pants.

It's in me contract.

- And this pants-less wonder

is Wakkiver Twist.

[sniffing]

- Ah! He wants the gruel, ja?

Well, young Wakkiver,

we vork for our gruel around here.

So, tell me, what are your qualifications?

- Qualifications Well,

I'm fluent in sarcasm,

I'm a three-time Emmy Award viewer,

I did four years of contemporary

and two of tap--

- Uhp-uhp-uhp-uhp. Entertainer, eh?

Well, we may have some use

for you after all. For you see

In this sketch, one thing counts ♪

Musical numbers, large amounts ♪

This slop you see don't come for free ♪

You'll have to sing a song

for your gruel, boy ♪

Have to sing a song for your gruel ♪

- Bowls like these don't grow on trees ♪

You'll have to sing

a song for your gruel ♪

- Singing? Ah, that's easy.

We've been doing that

since 150 years from now!

- Hey, mister, can we join, too?

We get higher residuals for songs.

- Uh huh

If I should use their act ♪

To pick pockets as they distract ♪

Huge returns for us to earn ♪

Yes, you can sing a song

for your gruel, kids ♪

You all can sing a song for your gruel ♪

ORPHANS:

As they mislead, we'll do the deed ♪

You all can sing a song for your gruel ♪

- Pickpocketing? But we're chaotic good!

It would go against our

whole character alignment.

- You could hear all that?

- Just 'cause you sing it,

doesn't mean we can't hear it.

- [laughs]

That would be a ridiculous rule.

- No, no, no, no.

I didn't say we pick pockets.

I said we do "click and collects."

We are eine redistribution center.

You see,

we redistribute wealth from those

who have it to us.

[laughs evilly]

What do you say?

Join us?

[sad dog whimpering]

♪

[laughing]

♪

[thunder]

Pinky & the Brain theme music playing ♪

- Gee, Brain,

what do you wanna do tonight?

- The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world!

[thunder]

♪

- They're Pinky and the Brain ♪

Yes, Pinky and the Brain ♪

One is a genius ♪

The other's insane ♪

They're laboratory mice ♪

Their genes have been spliced ♪

They're dinky,

they're Pinky and the Brain ♪

Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪

PINKY: Ooh, look, Brain!

A quiz about toxic friendships!

Question one,

is your friend a good listener?

- Silence, Pinky.

Egwind and I are working.

[beeping]

- Thanks for letting me be

a part of the team, Mr. Brain.

I really appreciate being

given the chance to shine.

- And shine you will, Egwind.

Using optogenetics, I will fire

this modified blue light laser

at your amygdala.

By activating the neurons

that cause aggression,

I'll finally have an assistant

with a true k*ller instinct!

[beeping, whirring]

[laughing]

- Ah!

♪

[roaring, snarling]

- Yes. Yes! It's working!

[roaring]

[snarling, grunting]

[roaring]

[floor creaking]

- Farewell

- Well, I suppose one

must break a few eggs

to make a bad egg.

This time, I'll just

dial things back a smidge.

[whirring]

- Question two, does your

friend take advantage of you?

[beeping]

♪

[grunts]

- Pinky? How are you doing?

Are you feeling anymore vicious?

- Vicious? No, Brain, I swear!

I gave that up after I was

banned from the aquarium!

- [sighs] Alas, you're unchanged.

Perhaps I dialed it down too much.

Let's give you another zap

♪

[grunting]

[gagging]

Pinky let me go

- Sorry, Brain,

I don't know what's happening!

I can't seem to control my hands!

[straining]

[Brain yells]

[whimpers]

♪

[gagging]

- Fascinating.

Somehow, only your hands

have acquired a k*ller instinct.

They now have a mind of their own

and are functioning independently,

as if you are Destiny's Child

and your hands are Beyoncé.

- [grunts] Ooh! Nice reference, Brain.

You see? I told you getting

that lifetime subscription

to Rolling Stone was a good idea.

♪

[yelling, struggling, gagging]

[yelling]

- Enough is enough!

You do whatever you'd like to Pinky,

but my equipment is worth

more than well, Pinky.

[whimpers]

- Uh oh. I'm not sure my hands like

being tied up this way, Brain.

Ah!

- Oh no you don't! Get back here.

[grunts]

[exclaiming]

- I'll never forget you, Brain!

[cars honking]

MAN:

What? Ah!

[screaming]

[sirens wailing]

[expl*si*n]

- Ah!

Perhaps I've unleashed an intelligence

so devious and cunning,

it can never be contained.

Perhaps my scientific hubris

has at last gotten the better of me.

Perhaps I've finally gone too far!

[screaming continues]

Nah.

♪

I must formulate a contingency plan

in case I'm forced to destroy him.

- Destroy who, Brain?

- P-Pinky!

How did you escape the authorities?

- Oh dear. Well,

they tried to take me to

the station for questioning.

And then, remember that scene

in Silence of the Lambs?

It was just like that,

except I didn't need

to steal anyone's face.

My hands just did it for fun

I'm sorry, Brain. I do

nothing but cause trouble.

I'm hopeless.

- Hm. On the contrary.

Pinky, are you pondering

what I'm pondering?

- I think so, Brain,

but nothing in the rulebook says

a possum can't play Frisbee golf.

- The only thing emptier than your skull

is my promise to start flossing. [grunts]

[bones cracking]

[gasps]

Ah. What I mean to say is

your dexterous digits

may be exactly the thing

I need after all.

With their help, I can finally carry out

my grandest, most ambitious scheme yet.

Excavating frozen mastodons

to create an army of super soldiers!

- Aw, cute!

- Ow!

Fine. Uh, then what say you

to changing the Earth's rotation

with a giant electromagnet?

- I don't get it, but I love it!

- Ow! Uh, roger that.

How about causing society to crumble

by altering the DNA of

a deadly insect? [gasps]

♪

Okay then. Then, help me

take over the world!

Not as my assistant or rivals,

but as partners.

Shall we shake on it?

PINKY: Talk to the hand

'cause the Pinky can't

physically control them anymore.

♪

- Pack your bags, Pinky.

We are going to Bethesda, Maryland.

- Ooh! What's in Maryland, Brain? I mean,

besides Fort McHenry, Camden Yards,

the Chesapeake Blue Crab,

the Walters Art Museum,

Crystal Grottoes Cavern,

Edgar Allan Poe's memorial,

and the National Aquarium,

which I've not yet been banned from.

BRAIN:

The National Institutes of Health.

- That's it! That's the one I forgot!

[grunts]

- Inside this building

is the sophisticated gene editing

tool known as CRISPR.

Once we've unlocked its secrets,

we will engineer a mosquito

with an extra-large stinger.

Anyone bitten will scratch themselves mad,

unless they come to me for

my specially developed itch cream.

- Egad, terrific, Brain!

A foolproof plan as usual.

- But first, we'll need to find

a way inside the building.

♪

- Say no more, Brain! It appears

I've got that under control.

- Whatever harebrained

scheme you've got, Pinky,

it's not going to--

Wow. That's rather impressive,

Pinky's pinkies.

- Thanks, Brain!

Now, please turn off and stow

all electronic devices

for absolutely no reason

at all as we prepare

for liftoff!

Woohoo! [laughing]

♪

- Alright, Pinky. To enter

the most restricted areas,

we will need to procure

an identification badge

with the appropriate clearance.

That is why you and I

are posing as lunch ladies.

- How theatrical, Brain!

[grunts]

- This powder will turn the shepherd's pie

into a gastrointestinal nightmare.

[screaming]

Once their pants are down, we will

[people screaming]

[grunting]

- Doo doo doot doo doo.

We will what, Brain?

- Pinky,

there are three little words

I've never said to you before.

That was cool.

♪

Drat. We're too small to reach

the security access pad.

But, if I can lure a dog

in here with this whistle,

we can stand on its back and--

PINKY: [laughs] Brain, I think

my hand is trying to tell you

that you're number one!

♪

[beep]

[door opens]

- You're just spoiling me.

Now, to engineer our super mosquito.

♪

You look for the CRISPR

instruction manual,

while I sedate the specimen

by reading it a bedtime story.

[grunting]

[grunts]

- Hm?

Hm? Oh!

[beeping]

- Or I could just leave everything

in your capable hands. [sighs]

[beeping, typing continues]

[screeching]

I must say, you're really coming

in handy on this adventure.

[laughs] Get it, Pinky?

Handy? Where'd you go?

- I'm over here, Brain!

By this Jack and Jill bidet.

[buzzing]

♪

- Huh?

[maniacal laughter]

[expl*si*n]

[alarm ringing]

Pinky, stop fooling around

and bring back that bug! [coughs]

- Okie-dokie, smartichokey!

Ow!

Ow! Hey!

Don't make me come down there! Ow!

[screaming]

♪

[alarm continues]

- Well, that stings a bit. [coughing]

I must find a way out of here!

[screaming]

[clanging]

Ah! Ah! Oh! [panting]

Pinky! Are you out here?

PINKY: Brain!

I'm over here on this chubby little plane!

[muffled grunt]

♪

[grunts]

Oh dear. My hands betrayed Brain,

and I can't stop them!

What should I do?

The only responsible thing I can do.

Well, folks,

it looks like I-270 is backed up

all the way to the Beltway

because of a closure

in the right two lanes,

and do try to avoid the area

around Chevy Chase as there is

a four-alarm fire at

the National Institute of Health.

- Hold still, Pinky.

I just need to crack open your hood

and give you a tiny tune-up.

- Okay! Sounds good.

[whirring]

BRAIN: Ah!

♪

[grunting]

[grunts] Ah!

Ah! Ow.

[yelling]

Ow! Ow!

[straining]

[screaming]

PINKY:

Hey! You two!

If you wanna k*ll my friend,

you're gonna have to go through me!

[choking]

I never got to see Paris

[choking] Texas

[helicopter whirring down]

[coughing]

- Pinky!

Pinky, are you alright?

sad music ♪

[whimpering]

[sniffling]

- Brain! You saved me!

[gasping]

♪

- You received a concussion in the crash,

which seems to have reversed

the alterations to your amygdala.

- Oh, that's so wonderful to hear, Brain.

I was so tired of not having

any control over my body!

[laughs]

- Come, Pinky. We must return

to the lab to lick our wounds

and prepare for tomorrow night.

- Why, Brain, what are

we gonna do tomorrow night?

- The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world!

- They're dinky, they're Pinky

and the Brain, Brain, Brain-- ♪

[buzzing]

♪

♪

- Okay, orphan Warners.

Wakkiver needs his gruel.

What are we gonna sing?

- Let's not go through the whole

rigmarole of you pretending

you don't wanna sing your

countries of the world song.

It's getting old.

- Countries of the early 19th century?

This might be a quick one.

♪

Yakko's World music playing ♪

Great Britain and Prussia,

the Empire of Russia ♪

Two Sicilies, Sulu, Siam ♪

The Papal States, Zululand,

Persian Empire ♪

And Jolof, Kaabu, and Bhutan ♪

Ashanti and Toro, Punjab and Bunyoro ♪

Holy Roman Empire is gone ♪

Dahomey, Bukhara, Selangor, Bambara ♪

The Ottomans, Parma, and Kong ♪

There's Brunswick Bavaria,

Central America ♪

Schleswig and Saxe-Coburg-Gotha ♪

Archduchy of Austria,

next Queen Victoria ♪

Goodbye, the Empire Maratha! ♪

China's Empire of Qing,

Bhutan calls Norbu king ♪

The lovely free city of Bremen ♪

The Afghani Emirate, Aden Protectorate ♪

That's what they used to call Yemen ♪

Kingdoms Gomma and Khiva,

Limmu-Enarrea ♪

The Sultanates Maldives, Perak ♪

EGWIND: [grunts] Ah!

♪

- How'd we do, boss?

- You have met the targets und quotas.

[coins rattling]

[slurping]

- I know I've said this before,

but can I have seconds--

- Nein! One meal per day!

No more!

- Well, at least give us

our cut of the profits.

Oof.

Queen Victoria has really let herself go.

- Is eine Fagincoin.

Completely decentralized,

private, instant payment,

very low transaction fees.

Is the next big thing!

Just wait till our ICO. [laughs]

You'll see.

- So, lemme get this straight.

We don't get a proper meal break,

you don't pay us a real wage,

and you take all the profits.

How is any of this legal?

- Why, it's the miracle of

independent contracting.

Let me explain.

[Warners screaming]

Conceive of yourself, freelance ♪

Conceive of yourself,

not a real employee ♪

Sign here, you don't have to read ♪

Certain legal protections might

be something you concede ♪

Conceive of yourself, well poor ♪

Conceive of yourself,

part of the inventory ♪

We've taken away your rights ♪

You'll find that there's no overtime

when you are working nights ♪

If it should chance to be that

you have made a small mistake ♪

Or need a bathroom break, tough luck! ♪

So, go out and sing and dance,

and if you pee your pants ♪

Then, I don't give a-- ♪

- Good night, everybody!

- Nein! Your shift goes

for another eight hours!

♪

- How come they always

get more gruel than us?

It's not fair!

- Well, because they are pickpoc--

I-I mean,

because they are employees.

Ja. That's what they are, young Wakkiver.

They do a harder job.

You are only eine temp worker.

[stomach growls]

- Can I be an employee?

Please?

- Hm Boys!

Take Wakkiver out with you

und show him the ropes.

He wants to become

an employee.

[laughing]

- Great Britain and Prussia,

the Empire of Russia ♪

Two Sicilies, Sulu, Siam ♪

The Papal States, Zululand,

Persian Empire ♪

And Jolof, Kaabu, and Bhutan ♪

Ashanti and Toro, Punjab and Bunyoro,

Holy Roman Empire ♪

- Huh? What?

Stop! Thief!

[Yakker stops singing]

♪

[grunts]

- [c*ck accent]:

Duh, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello!

Duh, what is all of this then?

- This gutter snipe stole my handkerchief

while these two gutter snipes

distracted me!

- Hey! We prefer the term waifs.

- Or ragamuffins.

- Tatterdemalions for me.

- Tatter-duh-- eh, duh, uh aliens?

- That was surprisingly close.

- You three are coming with me!

- Don't worry, sibs. This is London!

Birthplace of due process!

Innocent until proven guilty.

- Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

10 years hard labor!

Have them deported to the colonies!

- Here you go, pal.

Get us a nice cell on the ship, hm?

Something in premium convict

- Passing fake currency?

Double their sentence! 20 years!

- That's not fake! It's a Fagincoin.

- Yeah! Our boss pays us in it.

♪

[crowd gasping]

- Oh, I knew it was a bad idea

to come to the trial, but,

you know, I just love

these procedural dramas.

- 30 years hard labor

for circulating counterfeit tender!

- Ah! [grunts]

♪

- Send him to Australia!

- He means Austria, ja?

Oh, it will be so nice to visit home.

Ah!

[clattering]

[whimpering]

- I suppose I owe you an apology.

I didn't realize that awful man

was preying on your

desperation so callously.

I'm sorry.

- That's okay, Mrs. Lady.

Just adopt us like in the original

story and feed us gruel

for the remainder of our natural lives.

- Side note, we might be immortal.

- And we'll call it a day.

[elephant bellowing]

[screaming]

♪

[crying]

- Parliament will crumble

like an over-floured Scottish shortbread!

Onwards, vile orphans, onwards!

[laughing]

- Wow. Maybe we should've

stuck with that storyline.

- Yeah. Looks way more interesting

than our heavy-handed

treatment of workers' rights.

[bellowing]

♪