01x05 - All Night Long

[bunniefuu]

Oh. No, no, no.

No, no, no! No, no!

Crap!

Hey!

- What happened, Chad?

- I screwed up. Bad.

My mom's gonna be so mad.

Or worse… disappointed.

It can't be that bad.

Just take a deep breath

and tell me what's wrong.

Did you lock a guest in the sauna again?

Oh, God. I I don't think so.

No, no. This is worse. This is worse.

My mom told me to place an order.

I totally forgot.

And now the whole resort is out of coffee.

So what?

What do you mean, "So what"?

What's the big deal?

There's no coffee. Whatever.

Hugo, you might be too young

to understand this,

but for adults, coffee is life.

It's the one thing that keeps us going

until it's late enough in the day

to turn to alcohol.

I like to put a little brandy in my coffee

around 2:00, 2:30 to bridge the gap.

I wish it was 2:30.

It's 3:15.

Really?

In that case…

Fine hotels require fine coffee.

It's only one of the thousands of details

that needs to be perfect

at a place like Las Colinas.

And just one of the many problems

we faced that night.

We were all up late after

working overtime for that big wedding.

I was just about to end my shift when…

Well, maybe this was a mistake!

- Oh, my God.

- Excuse me!

- Are you okay?

- Yes, thank you.

Did I just get knocked over

by a very formal cowboy?

Welcome to Texas.

That is so weird.

- I thought we were in Mexico.

- Not tonight.

The daughter of an oil baron

just got married here.

Sounds like an episode of Dallas.

Except J.R. was leading a conga line.

What are you doing up so late?

- Or up so early? I can't tell.

- I just got in with my parents,

and I couldn't sleep,

so I wanted to come down here to read.

But obviously…

Sleep. I'm on my way there now.

- I'm exhausted.

- You're leaving me already?

Don't worry. I'll be back here soon,

getting people drinks at the pool.

Okay. Well, you better rest up

because I'm gonna be needing

a lot of margaritas.

In that case, I should sneak out

before someone sees me and

Ay, Máximo.

Thank God you're still here.

This is all your fault.

Sorry.

- Is there a problem?

- The problem is

Chad's lived here for three years

and he can barely speak Spanish.

The only words he knows how

to say are "buenas nachos."

I think Beto taught him

a few bad words too.

He needs some help with some phone calls

while I help Mónica with the wedding.

- Do you mind?

- Of course not.

- Thank you.

- What else do I have to do

at 4:00 in the morning?

Monica, what happened?

I don't know what to do.

It's past 4:00 a.m.

and the wedding is still going on.

Really?

But I thought they were gringos.

They are.

They're usually all asleep by midnight.

That's why I thought it was okay

to book this space

for a 6:00 a.m. breakfast

for 100 plastic surgeons.

No way,

you can't just tell them to wrap it up.

No, that's hotel policy.

The party ends when the party ends.

I've tried everything to get them to go.

- Did you turn all the lights off?

- Yes.

- Did you turn all the lights on?

- Yes!

Did you turn all the lights off and on,

off and on?

Yes, yes, yes.

And you tried playing slow songs?

"Against All Odds" four times in a row.

Oh, I love that song. It makes me cry.

Julia, focus. I haven't slept in two days.

Please, find a way to end this party

without asking them to leave.

I've seen you with the guests.

You're, like,

the gringo whisperer.

Do people call me that?

After tonight, they will.

I can cover the front desk for you

while I prep for the breakfast.

Don't you worry, I'll take care of it.

The gringo whisperer.

Nice.

No, I don't need a whole café.

No, I don't understand what you're saying.

Hello?

So, you need help with some phone calls?

Yes! Thank you. Oh, my gosh.

I don't know why people talk so fast

when they're not speaking English.

Yeah, I've always wondered that.

I didn't find out until much later,

but someone else in my family

was also awake at that time.

Hi.

We can't wake my mom up, stupid!

You're stupid!

Did you get it?

We could get in so much trouble for this.

Poltergeist!

Are you scared?

Of the movie? Nah.

Of getting caught by your mom?

Baby, come on. Take a deep breath.

I love him.

Come here, baby.

Memo, what happened?

So, everyone was having fun

until the groom came up to the bride

and shoved a piece of cake in her face.

What?

Then she screamed.

Then they started fighting.

Then he said, "You're being ridiculous!"

Then she said,

"It was a mistake to marry you."

And then he stormed off.

It was amazing…

and very sad.

Come on,

let's go back to your room.

- No!

- You can talk things over

- with Bobby tomorrow.

- N-O.

I ain't leaving till he comes back

and apologizes for ruining the wedding.

Memo, if we want this party to end,

we have to get the bride

and groom together again.

Go find the groom.

At your service.

Señor groom!

Oh, you don't have any coffee to spare?

What's he saying?

Do they have coffee? Do they deliver?

Yes,

I also find all the shouting annoying

Tell them you wanna speak to the manager.

You threaten 'em.

That's how we do it in America.

- It's the US, not America.

- What?

Nothing. They also said no.

And we've called all the other hotels.

What am I What am I gonna do?

I loved watching Chad panic.

But then I realized

this was my perfect opportunity

to impress Julia by saving the day.

So this friend of yours

is going to meet us where?

At the marina. It's not far.

No, that sounds dicey.

I am not taking my Corvette to the marina.

And I only have keys for

one of the resort vehicles.

Okay. Then what are we taking?

Don Pablo!

Why are you awake at this time of night?

That's none of your business.

What do you want?

I'm looking for a groom.

Well, I'm flattered but not interested.

What?

No!

The groom from the wedding.

Really?

The wedding hasn't ended?

I thought they were all gringos.

They are.

But there was a very dramatic incident

and now the bride won't leave

until the groom comes back.

Then I should find that groom.

I suppose you're coming with me?

I would love to.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Sorry.

I totally zoned out

for the last few minutes.

- What happened?

- Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry, I'm interested.

It's just this scalp massage is excellent.

As I was saying,

I called my friend at the docks

to get coffee for Chad.

You're kidding me.

What the hell is this thing?

It's a calandria.

They're everywhere in Acapulco.

You really don't get out much, do you?

No. Why would I?

The resort has everything.

Everything except coffee.

Diane, what are you doing here?

I just had a late night

out with investors.

All I wanted was some peace and quiet.

What's happening?

I haven't seen hair this big

since the '79 Daytime Emmys.

I was robbed, by the way.

- The wedding is still going on, but

- Obviously the wedding is still going on.

- Where's Mónica?

- She's prepping for breakfast.

- I'm I'm covering for her.

- I'm sure you are.

Meanwhile, I'll take care of this

and you can go back to the front desk.

Technically, we never shut down a party,

but there are tactful ways…

…to make the guests feel like

they decided the party's over.

Well, hello!

I'm Diane, the owner of Las Colinas.

I wanna thank you all

for choosing our hotel

by sending chilaquiles to your room.

You're Diane Davies!

- I love you.

- Thank you.

Anyway, if you all wanna go wait

for your chilaquiles

I used your workout tapes

to fit into this darn dress.

Well, my tapes must have worked

because you look fabulous.

Get over here

and tell me what else you love about me.

- Well, I would love to.

- Can we get another round here?

Have a seat. Let's drink up, sister.

Memo, hurry up and find the groom.

Memo, now!

It's nice we get to spend

this time together, sir. Bonding.

We're not bonding.

And now you're doing that joke where you

You pretend to be annoyed by me.

I've always wondered

about that table you have set up.

Maybe you just need someone to talk to

Someone who will take

your secrets to his grave.

No.

And that's the end of the conversation.

I'm sorry, sir.

Were you waiting for a lady friend?

Someone who broke your heart?

A lost love who will never return?

I can give you some wise advice.

I know all about women.

You?

I'm sure!

Is this neighborhood safe?

It seems kinda sketchy.

I don't like that we don't have doors.

I live around here.

Oh, man. You must be scared all the time.

Yeah. This place is a real nightmare.

What's up, Tuercas.

Man, that sucks. Yeah.

I know from the movies

how many Mexican criminals there are.

You know the movies don't

show things as they really are, right?

Yeah. That's true, you know.

They told me there'd be

a lot more sombreros down here.

So this guy we're meeting,

he's a good guy, right?

No, Chad. He's a bad guy.

Oh, man. Are we gonna be okay?

If I had to listen to Chad

being ignorant all night,

I was gonna have a little fun with it.

You know what?

Just play it cool and don't upset him.

Then we'll be okay.

Yep.

Maybe this night

wouldn't be so bad after all.

And if you're familiar

with Fonda's first video,

you will clearly see

she stole that move from me.

Give me scissors, ladies.

Young guy. Tuxedo. Cowboy hat.

We've found our groom.

Señor groom!

We need to get you back to the wedding.

Uh-uh. No, sir. I ain't going nowhere.

You think she heard us?

I don't know.

Is everything okay?

Uh yeah sorry

I had a nightmare.

That's what happens

when you have a heavy dinner.

And then you fall asleep watching TV.

Sorry, mom. Yeah,

I think dinner didn't sit well with me.

But go back to sleep!

I'll go back to my room.

Okay then.

- Ready?

- Yes.

Wow. This must be where all the criminals

come to dispose the bodies.

You know, in America, we have this thing,

the Italian Mafia. Those guys are no joke.

Remember, be cool.

Don't let him sense your fear.

I'm not scared.

Hey Martin.

Is this the guerito

who forgot to order coffee?

Is he talking about me? I heard "güerito."

I know that means "Chad" in Spanish.

How are you? How's Sarita?

She's good. How's your mom?

Good.

Does she still make

that amazing octopus ceviche?

What does she do to make it so tender?

Well you just gotta slam it real hard.

Let's see, show me how.

Well, after you get it out of the water

you have to grab them hard

They like to fight

Right? Then you just hit them.

If you see a rock, grab it a rock and…

Whatever you can, even here in the back.

What's he saying?

He's telling me

about this tourist he m*rder*d last night.

Cool, cool.

You know? You can also hit all its body

the tentacles

Like this, like this.

Poor things but they're so tasty.

The coffee's in my truck. Should we go?

Thank you so much Martin.

You know who I'm impressed with?

Hollywood.

Their movie bad guys

look exactly like that guy.

Why is he backing up?

Hey, I actually have some ceviche here

He's got a g*n! I'm flooring it!

Get down! Get down! Get down!

No, no, no! It's out of power.

Chad!

Chad!

Güerito!

Why don't we get back to

the happiest day of your life?

It was the happiest day of my life

till Debbie ruined it.

Well, you already married her.

So I think it's better not to try

to understand and just go along.

Women are too complicated.

Ain't that the truth.

Actually, they're not that complicated.

You just have to think about things

from their point of view.

For example…

Debbie spent hours

doing her hair and makeup

just to look perfect

on this important day.

So maybe shoving cake in her face

seemed insensitive to her.

I never really thought about it that way.

All right, you know what?

If she apologizes to me first

for all the mean things she said,

then I'll apologize to her.

You do know about women. How?

I have a lot of sisters.

Two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, and dance.

Just when it seemed

the wedding had hit its low point,

it got even lower.

What is such a beautiful woman like you

doing here all alone?

Whatever man left you

like this doesn't deserve you.

No, no, no!

To the right.

No.

Listen, Debbie. I

I know how you're feeling.

Men can be the worst.

The worst.

But they could also be the best.

The best.

My boyfriend can make

really bad decisions,

but he also has this thing

where he knows exactly when I'm hungry.

It's like a sixth sense.

He'll suddenly show up to the front desk

with the snack I've been craving.

Yeah.

I'm sure there are things

about Bobby that you really like.

Well, he's really good at carving turkey.

Okay. That's a good start.

Move to the right.

Go on. Tell him.

Tell him how much he means to you.

All right, everybody, keep going!

Linda, be careful in those heels.

Bobby?

I'm sorry.

Forget everything I said.

No, no, no, sugar pie. I'm sorry.

Bobby.

Now this wedding can finally end.

Now this wedding can finally end.

Let's get this party started, y'all!

Moving on to the bridesmaids.

Well, if we were in America,

we could've called AAA.

The US.

Yeah, America.

We are in America, Chad.

You mean the United States.

America's a continent, not a country.

Why do all estadounidenses

talk like they own that word?

- Esta-what?

- Estadounidenses.

It means

"people of the United States of America."

A word that doesn't even exist in English.

But of course you don't know that.

You've been here for three years

and you hardly speak any Spanish.

Why should I? So I could understand

what that criminal was saying

when he tried to k*ll me?

Martín's not a criminal.

I was just messing with you.

What do you mean

you were just messing with me?

I was messing with you.

Máximo, what the hell?

I was really scared.

Of course you were scared.

You think this place

is just like the movies

because you barely ever set foot

outside your mom's resort.

You act better than us,

you don't try to learn our names.

You wouldn't even stand up

for your own girlfriend at that dinner.

Why is Julia even dating you?

I'm sorry, Chad.

I haven't slept in 26 hours

and I'm going mad.

Please, forget what I said.

No, you're right.

You know what? I don't really know

why she's dating me either.

All I do is screw things up.

And what kind of jerk doesn't even

defend his own girlfriend?

I'm caught between my mom and Julia.

And doing what's right for one means,

you know, upsetting the other one.

And I made the wrong call at the dinner.

Yeah.

And you know what?

My mom is still disappointed in me.

Come on. I'm sure your mom

isn't disappointed in you.

You know, sometimes she says to me,

"Just because you're my only child,

doesn't mean you're my favorite."

Ohhh wow!

Honestly…

I'm just lonely down here.

Well, you don't have to be lonely.

Just get to know the people around you,

learn the language

I've tried.

There's just so many words.

I feel like I sound stupid in Spanish.

Well, that feeling you're avoiding,

that's what we have to face every day.

The staff, me, Julia.

You guys make it look so easy.

Trust me, it isn't.

Well, it doesn't matter anyways.

With this last screwup,

there's no way my mom's keeping me on.

It's buenas nachos for Chad.

Back to America.

Sorry, the United States.

Let's face it. It's over.

You guys need help?

- I'm gonna pull the plug.

- Diane,

it will be the first party we've shut down

in 35 years.

- Screw it. I'm exhausted.

- Wait.

I have an idea.

Hi!

- Hey!

- Hello.

I am so sorry to interrupt.

I just wanted to share with you,

something that would make

your wedding more special.

It's a secret Mexican tradition

that I learned when I moved here.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

It's an ancient legend says that

if you watch the sunrise

the morning after your wedding,

you'll have good luck that year.

But if you watch it with

your feet in the ocean,

you'll have good luck forever.

I love how Mexicans are so exotic.

We don't have anything like that

in America.

Nothing. Not a thing.

Well, let's go to the beach

before the sun comes up!

Mom, we're going to the beach!

I never heard of that tradition.

That's because it's bullshit.

Is there some Mexican chant

we should all be singing?

Right in that moment,

Julia could only think of

one Mexican song.

That's the piñata song.

Exactly.

Okay, my darlings. Let's turn it around!

Come on, let's hustle! Pick up the pace!

So, now that you've seen how good I am

with the female mind, sir,

maybe you want to talk to me

about that mysterious lover

you're waiting for?

What was her name again?

Thank you for your kindness, Memo.

Now leave me alone. Good night.

It's the morning, sir.

We're gonna make it! This is awesome!

We're gonna make it.

We're gonna make it.

You know what? You're right.

I should do more things like this.

Spend time with more Mexicanos.

People like you.

No, thank you.

He said he'd love to.

Dude, I don't know a lot of Spanish,

but I do understand

the words "no" and "gracias."

We did it, hamigo.

- "Amigo."

- Yeah. That's what I said.

"Amigo. A-migo."

You did it. You got the coffee.

Yeah, thanks to this guy.

Oh, it was nothing.

Just Máximo saving the day again.

Yay, Máximo.

Hey, listen.

I was thinking,

what if we plan a trip to Colombia?

I really wanna see

the city where you grew up,

and, you know, maybe eat some arepas.

- Oh, my God. That would be amazing.

- And while we figure that out,

we can go down to the beach

you always wanted to go to.

- It's called, "Quesa" or "Quinta"?

- You have something there.

Starts with a "K."

- Marquelia.

- Marquelia.

- Exactly. Yes.

- Wow, that's so

That's so thoughtful of you. I love you.

I love you.

I felt so, so stupid.

In my efforts to save the day,

I had done the impossible.

I had fixed Chad.

I was devastated, Hugo.

But you know what they say.

"When one door closes…"

Hey.

I thought you were going home already.

I am now, finally.

It's your fault I'm still here.

Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to

figure out how to make it up to you.