03x19 - King of the Cowboys

[bunniefuu]

Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell,
but I've been seen with fire up.

I've never been with anything less than a
man, so fine.

I've been on fire with Sally Field,
gone fast with a girl named Bo.

But somehow they just don't end up as
mine.

It's a death defying life I lead.

I take my chances.

I die for living in the movies and TV.

But the hardest thing I
ever do is watch my leading

ladies kiss some other guy
while I'm bandaging my knee.

I might fall from a tall building.

I might roll a brand new car.

Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made
Redford such a star.

I've never spent much time in school,
but I've taught ladies plenty.

It's true, I hire my body out the bay.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Teague's
blown up for Rockin' Welch.

But when I wind up in the hay,
it's only hay.

I might jump an open drawbridge.

Or poison problems.

Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes
Eastwood look so fine.

I love this annual tradition, don't you,
Colt?

What's that, kid?

We're doing the Roy Rogers charity
television special.

Kid, two years doesn't make a tradition.

Maybe, but it's fun looking back.

Fun?

Jody nearly got k*lled by the runaway
horses.

Well, except for that.

You nearly got k*lled when the stolen car
overturned.

Yeah, but except for that.

And I nearly got k*lled when those thieves
shot at me at close range.

Boy, you know you're right.

Hey, is it too late for us to get out of
it this year?

Kid.

Well, what's so funny?

For every Bronco Buster there is money in
the bag.

If you can ride them, cowboy.

So get your rigging ready and choose
yourself a nag.

Come on and try to ride them, cowboy.

Cowboy.

King of the Plains will be...

Last year, Roy Rogers was celebrated here
in Happy Trails.

We never expected more than a song.

All day I face the barren waste Without
the taste of water Cool Cool water Well,

we got the song or two backed up by the
Sons of the Pioneers.

See them tumbling down

Wedging their love to the
ground We got those songs

all right, plus a lot of
unexpected excitement.

Like when Howie shot Trigger.

Oh, my God.

I k*lled Roy's horse.

I k*lled Trigger.

What's happening?

Uh, Howie, he shot Trigger.

It was an accident, I swear it.

Can you ever forgive me?

No problem.

I'll just have to get another horse.

Hey.

Then there were the stolen cars.

A runaway buggy with Jody in it.

Roy, you're still my hero.

Thank you, honey.

Now we begin our filming of the second
tribute to Roy Rogers, King of the

Cowboys, and the best horse in the movies,
Trigger.

Waiting at the chute The roughest kind
you'll ever find And tougher than a boot

Cowboy Grab your seat and
sit him tight The ride is rough

but the pay is right He'll ride
them Cowboy Ride them Cowboy

Okay, this Rogers charity special is
great.

All right, that's a cut.

Set up for the bull ring.

You know, you don't have to get in a full
rodeo clown outfit, Howie.

This is only a reversal.

I know, I know.

I just want to make sure that I have the
right effect on the bull.

Oh, you will.

Love at first sight.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Fine.

Boy, he looks rough, tough, mean,
and unfair.

Well, trust me, he is.

If Howie don't get in fast, he'll be tap
dancing on my head.

Yeah.

Well, how do I look?

Well, let me see, let me see.

You look, uh, ridiculous.

Thanks.

Comedy is serious business, you know.

Yeah, well, so is getting in the ring with
a thousand pounds of angry beefsteak.

Not to worry.

I've got everything timed down to the
split second.

Uh-huh.

Well, in case you get an unsplit second,
I worked with the bull fighter in that

Heston picture we did in Madrid,
remember?

Yeah.

I remember that line of bully handed you.

This isn't the same thing.

Same as sarcasm.

This could save your life.

Okay.

Now, if the bull hooks left at you,
shift back right.

But if he comes in right at you low,
okay, you back up high, then step away.

Now, you want to try that with me just to
make sure you got it?

That's what I call bull in the jack.

Man, I just hope your bull can't read
music.

Good job, Howie.

Thanks, Roy.

You saved me.

Well, I just didn't want the bull to get
hurt.

Good bullfighting there, Howie.

Here,

hold the flashlight over here.

I've got the combination.

Wow,

look at those beauties.

Take them off and let's get out of here.

We're going to get back to meet LaRue at
the writing academy.

Ready for the next batch of diamonds,
Mr. LaRue.

Make sure the diamonds are tightly packed.

Don't worry, Mr. LaRue.

I know my business.

The stones are between the protective pad
and the hoof packet.

The only way to get them out is to pull
the shoe and remove the pad.

Just make sure.

The only way a stone
could drop out of here is

if one of the horses split
a pad on a sharp rock.

These animals are going from here directly
to the horse meat buyer in Belgium.

Not before they pass through customs.

With eight million dollars worth of cut
diamonds in their hooves.

Well, that's all of them.

I'll sure breathe easier when we ship them
out.

You two get back to the house,
call our friend in Antwerp.

He'll be real happy to find out the horse
meat's on the way.

Garvey, we'll get on down to San Pedro.

We've got an unusual shipping arrangement.

Okay.

Get going.

Make sure those horses are watered and
fed.

I'll be back tonight.

Are these on their way to be horse meat
like those other ones last month?

I know how you feel, son.

But where else can I get 500 bucks a piece
for these old nags?

I sure hope we have a big crowd at the
show in Phoenix.

Can't miss.

Roy, when you lead a parade, everyone
wants a ride along.

Everyone who can.

We're short about five saddle horses.

We sure could use them for a rehearsal.

It's no problem.

We can get them at LaRue's Riding Academy
down the road a ways.

Great, I'll go get them.

Well, you better be careful.

They're pretty tough horse traders.

Don't worry, Roy.

They'll meet their match.

Ah, you're not going.

Jody, we'll get our money's worth.

Yeah, like the time he bought those stolen
cars last year?

Go ahead, kid.

You can pick up the money from my foreman.

Okay.

What's wrong, Jody?

Oh, it's just that when Howie goes
wheeling and dealing, I...

get a little nervous, you know.

Come on, I know the feeling.

What could go wrong?

Riding some horses.

Trust him.

So we need these horses
for the finale of the show

we'll be doing down in
Phoenix over the weekend.

When will they be returned?

We can get them back to you by Tuesday.

I can tell you this, they'll be ridden by
three of the all-time great Western stars.

All right.

Five hundred apiece.

That sounds fair.

Bruce, I've got the stock for the horse
show here.

Can you take care of them for me?

Yeah, you got it.

Howie,

did you get the horses?

You bet.

And at bargain prices.

Good.

We'll be loading them on the train soon.

Yeah.

Howie, what have you got there?

Nothing.

Either that is two carats of nothing or a
diamond.

Boy, if that's a real diamond,
it's worth a fortune.

Come on, even jewelers have trouble
telling the real ones from the fake.

It's real.

Don't be silly.

Hey, look, a girl who's been handed as
many rhinestones as me develops a feel for

the genuine article, and I say that is
true blue-white.

Jody, nobody would leave a diamond like
this in the dirt.

Anyway, if this were a real diamond,
it'd cut glass.

This baby wouldn't cut butter.

Hey, that's my trophy case.

Told you it was real.

Unless that's imitation glass.

Okay, Roy, the Skyball number.

Now, old Skyball Paint was a devil saint,
and his eyes were a fiery ring.

Good men have tried this horse to ride,
but shucks, all of them are dead.

Now, I won't brag, but I rode that nag
till his blood began to boil.

Then I hit the ground, and I ate three
pound of good old Texas soil.

Singing, hi-h*, hootie-tie-yo,
ride him high and down you go,

sons of the western soil.

I swore I think I'd break his neck for the
joke that gave my pride.

I threw my noose on that old cayuse.

And once more took a ride.

He turned around, and soon I found his
head where his tail should be.

That says, says I, perhaps he's shy,
or he just don't care for me.

Singing, hi-h*, hootie-tie-yo,
ride him high and down you go,

sons of the western soil.

That'll be the cut.

Perfect, Roy.

You did a great show.

Yeah, you bet, man.

Rory Rogers.

Wonder how it feels to be a living
monument.

Probably makes his feet hurt.

Why's that?

Monuments wear bronze boots.

What happened?

Where are all the others?

Something wrong?

There were eight horses when we left here
yesterday.

I tried to rent all of them, but he only
needed five.

You what?

I rented them.

You stupid idiot.

Who told you to rent them?

Hey, stop it.

Easy.

I didn't mean no harm.

Those were special horses, kid.

Well, how am I supposed to know?

We always rent them.

Who'd you rent them to?

Roy Rogers.

Why?

Said something about a rodeo.

Did he say when they're coming back?

Monday or Tuesday.

Where is this rodeo?

Phoenix.

When are they shipping them out?

Not till tomorrow.

Beat it.

The rumor's gonna k*ll us if he sees his
horses gone.

Now, what do we do?

They got the horses tied up at the Rogers'
ranch.

So?

We'll untie them.

If you hear anything at all, give me a
call.

Thanks, Tom.

What did the sheriff say?

No diamond's been reported stolen or even
missing.

Well, great.

Nobody claims it within 30 days.

It belongs to the finder.

Howie, that diamond was found on Roy's
land.

Hey, I don't write the law.

I just follow it, Jody.

Yeah, well, we'll bend this one,
huh?

We'll have no problem getting on the ranch
now.

We're ready for the don't fence me in
number.

Oh, give me land Lots of land under starry
skies above Don't fence me in Let me ride

through The wide-open country,
love Don't fence me in Let me be by myself

In the evening breeze And listen to the
murmur Of the cottonwood trees Send me on

whatever I ask you, please Don't fence me
in Just turn me loose Let me straddle my

old saddle Underneath the
western skies Upon my cailloux

We'll have no problem
getting the horses back now.

Until I see the mountains rise Open the
gate.

I won't arrive Through the ridge where the
west commences And gaze at the moon until

I lose my senses I can't look at hobbles
and I can't stand fences Don't fence me in

Don't fence me in Don't fence me in Yeah!

Whoo!

Ah, Roy, that was so good.

I'd like to hear it again.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, bravo, bravissimo.

Just a minuteissimo.

There's another Rogers there that's got a
couple of songs in him.

Oh, yeah, hey, Dusty, how about singing
your new song for us, King of the Cowboys?

Yeah.

Yeah, King of the Cowboys.

Well, if you insist, I can do it.

Hey, sounds like someone's messing around
with the horses.

It's Roy Rogers.

I don't care, sh**t him.

We gotta get out of here.

Gotta get those horses.

Cam, come on.

Let's go.

What could they have been after?

Only one thing of value there.

Trigger!

Trigger!

I sure hope Colt's all right.

Don't worry about him, Roy.

We stuntmen can take care of ourselves.

What happened to the hero on the horse?

I don't know.

And I ain't stopping to find out.

Hey, the highway's blocked.

It's all right.

I can take the old road.

Is

that a man on a horse chasing that truck?

They had to take the old road.

They can

take it a lot better than we can.

What's that?

He's up there.

What are you talking about?

The guy on the horse.

He's on top of the trailer.

I got a surprise for him.

Well, that handled him.

Maybe even better than you think.

There are spare gas tanks in the trailer.

That should learn him.

Ha-siggity!

Well,

I've notified the sheriff.

That probably won't help much.

There's not enough left of that trailer to
trace.

And we still have a rodeo to do.

That's true.

But nothing's worth endangering the lives
of your friends.

I still don't understand why they'd go
after Trigger.

Ransom.

Well, it can't be real.

Well, there's only one sure test.

No, you don't.

Don't take that thing near my trophy case.

Well, I was thinking of a gemologist.

Hey, look, believe me, it's real.

This is the one thing that I am an expert
at.

Rustlers and diamonds.

Quite a coincidence.

You always say you don't believe in
coincidence.

You still don't.

Well, I've always heard diamonds are a
girl's best friend.

Wonder if I'll ever find that out.

You know, we took it for granted these
guys were after Trigger.

What if they weren't?

Any ideas?

Just one.

She usually has her hand in the dirt.

Yes, Colt, I heard you, but this is a
matter of life and death.

These plants are in shock.

Well, talk nice to them.

And check out those diamonds.

I hate to be crass.

Well, then don't.

But what's in it for me?

My undying friendship.

You can't buy a fur coat with that.

But it'll keep you warm inside.

Oh, in other words, you owe me,
right?

Yeah, I guess so.

No guesses.

Will she help?

I told you, she's a gem.

It won't happen.

Just forget it.

It was a mistake.

What do you mean a mistake?

It was an eight million dollar mistake.

All right.

Okay.

Where are the horses now?

They're still up at the ranch.

They're shipping them to Big Rock
Junction.

Why don't you just buy them back?

Because you two numbskulls tried your
luck.

I'm going to steal them.

And Rogers might
find it just a little bit

suspicious if I were to
show up with an offer.

So what do we do?

I'm sure glad you doubled security on
Trigger.

You still don't think Trigger's the
problem, do you?

Well, we won't know until we hear from
Terry.

You know, Colt, one of
these days you and I are

going to get together
and nothing will happen.

Except that we got together.

Maybe we can get Dale to cook us up some
more of them homemade hush puppies.

She can make them.

No one will see us coming in this way.

Well, that would mean those guys were
after the other horses.

They're not worth that much.

Yeah.

They're just ordinary horses.

You can find animals like that in any
stable.

In fact, that's where I got.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, sometimes reality isn't what
it seems.

Sounds like you've been taking Howie
lessons.

Well, I got it at the same place.

Where's that?

Off a bubble gum cart.

The stable.

Somebody's out there again.

It's Rogers.

Get the jeep.

No time.

Grab the horse.

Howie, Jody, mount up.

You're

living out of fantasy.

What?

Riding posi with Roy Rogers.

Yeah.

Jody, stay with us.

Well, me too.

Hallie, stay with us.

Help!

Jody's been thrown.

You go after them and I'll get her.

Yeah, good choice.

Help!

Roy!

Roy, my heel is caught!

Come on!

I can't get a loop!

Thank you.

There, bite some dust.

Terry, what did you find out about the two
rustlers I turned in?

Well, only one thing.

They must be big-time rustlers because there
sure is big-time money back in the box.

What do you mean?

Bail was waiting for them before the ink
on their fingerprints dried.

They're gone.

Any idea where?

No.

I'm just glad it wasn't my money they
jumped bail on.

If they show up again, be careful.

They've been arrested for everything from
armed robbery to m*rder.

Not one conviction to their name.

Did she find out anything?

They're dangerous.

I found that out the first time they shot
at me.

Right.

What about the diamonds?

I don't have any information on stolen
diamonds.

All right, if you find out anything,
call me.

Your dime or mine?

That's what I like about you, Terry.

First class to act all the way.

Well, a girl's got to watch her pennies
these days.

Looks like those guys are part of
something much bigger.

What?

I don't know.

We searched all around the stables.

They're empty.

What did you find out in the room?

They were rendezvousing at Big Rock Junction
and caravanning across the state line.

I just did anything.

Well, Dad, are you going to be in on this?

You betcha.

Hey, John, how are you doing?

Wow, it's Peter Brack,
John Russell, Jaco Mahoney,

three of my all-time
favorite western stars.

I grew up watching those guys.

Yeah, well, control yourself, kid.

Hey, Roy!

Hey, fellas!

Yeah?

Is it true what I hear?

Someone tried to kidnap Trigger?

Roy, that is about the lowest.

Oh, it's all been taken care of,
fellas.

You can always count on us, Roy.

Thank you.

Colt, you old son of a g*n, you gonna do
Roy's rodeo again?

You can't turn him down.

You all know Dusty Rogers, but I want you
to meet my cousin, Howie Munson.

Howdy, Howie.

Hi.

Big Valley.

Howie.

The lawman.

Howie?

The range rider.

I've been watching you fellas since I was
five or six years old.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, it's nice to be remembered,
Howie.

Remember?

Those viewing experiences helped shape my
life.

They were the impetus, in fact, for my
getting into stunt work in the first place.

Well, son, I hear you're doing a fine job.

Thank you.

Fellas, Howie just told me the same thing.

Hey, Roy, I got something back in my room.

I'll go get it for you.

All right.

Yeah, he's gonna go take his pulse.

Whoa!

Sorry.

Are you hurt?

No, I've taken worse falls.

She's a stunt woman.

That's good.

What kind of stunts are you good at?

Maybe we'll start with a little moonlight.

How about that?

How about this?

Hey, that was good.

It was better than the way most of the
leading ladies treated me in the old series.

Recorder on the line.

Roll camera one.

Roll camera two.

Okay, Dusty, get ready for the father-son
tribute song.

He's rode across your movie screens For
over forty years He's brought bad men to

justice He's seen laughter, he's seen
tears And I know forever In many hearts

he'll reign As the king of the cowboys
Punch up camera one.

Flashback sequence.

He's a kind and gentle legend A hero is
his fame Showing young folks to see the

right from wrong And he's taught me very
safe And I know forever In many hearts

he'll reign As the king of the cowboys,
there is magic in his name.

He's the king of the cowboys, a legend in
his time.

A man who loves his country, where he will
always drive.

Saddled up on his golden palomino,
with a six-g*n by each side.

In his boots and spurs and his white hat,
rides a man with a lot of pride.

And I know forever, in many hearts he'll
reign.

As the king of the cowboys, there is honor
to his name.

He's the king of the cowboys, a legend in
his time.

A legend in his time A man who loves his
country Where he will always ride Riding

off into the sunset They're terrific
together, kid.

Yeah.

It's almost like watching a Thornton
Wilder play.

The verities of the American
dream Rooted in the

past, but with a firm
foothold in the present.

Happy trails for
me and you Okay.

That's a cut.

Well, what can I say?

Thanks, son.

Well, I thought you might like that one.

Hey, uh, have you got some room for some
more players?

Yeah, as long as you can supply your own
matches.

Well, we'll have to cut out the penny ante
stuff.

Oh, come on.

It's been a long night, but I'll call.

Looks like the game's over.

Rogers Rodeo Special.

Oh, Colt, I really am a wonderful friend.

Well, that marker's gonna cost me that
much, huh?

Well, you're gonna be very
glad to pay it when you find

out what I have to tell you
about your stolen diamonds.

It turns out that they
are part of a recent

theft valued at over
eight million dollars.

Gone.

Vanished.

Stolen.

Thin air.

How could that many diamonds be fenced?

That's a very good question.

Interpol wants to know the same thing.

Turns out that's been going on for quite
some time now.

What's the M.O.?

Well, the diamonds are
stolen here in America,

and then somehow they
end up all over Europe.

And they cannot be traced, and no one
knows how they get out of the country.

Yeah, well, I think I know.

How about diamonds on the hoof?

Do you think they're
trying to smuggle those

diamonds out of this
country on horseback?

I think we'd better check it out.

All right, let's get these horses ready.

Roy and the train will be here any minute.

Well, there's the truck, waiting at the
junction.

Now you know what to do.

Take out the driver and any wranglers.

Before anyone knows, we'll be long gone.

I charted a private jet with a pilot.

Don't ask any questions.

Here comes the train.

We've still got enough time.

Just take it easy and not spook these
guys.

This must be Big Rock Junction.

It'll be good to get out in the wide open
spaces again.

Howdy!

Don't say a word or you'll end up part of
the landscape.

Huh!

Sounds like trouble.

Let's check.

All right, let's pull up our shoes and be
quick about it.

Hurry up and get those diamonds out of
there.

Let's get going.

Look at these.

Good, good.

Hey, hey, it's Roy Rogers.

k*ll him!

We can't sit here in our hands.

Well, what do you suggest we do,
take a train?

No, but there are a lot of horses right
there.

Oh, I've been aching to ride all day.

Well, let's go.

All right, I'll take it.

Did you get all the diamonds?

You bet.

I can't believe it.

They're chasing us on horses.

I've had too much fun since I cut Lord
Green off the path.

They haven't got a chance.

Uh-huh.

Well, Roy Rogers always got out of his
scrapes.

Yeah, well, that was in the movies.

Yeah, well, that was in the movies.

Yeah, well, that was in the movies.

You

rode us submitted to a box canyon.

I can't steer this thing.

You guys better jump out of here.

Peter,

you go after that guy.

Jack, you get him.

I'll take this guy on the right.

What do you think you're doing?

Wait a minute.

I'm Colt.

I just like in the movies, watching all my
old heroes.

Well,

that was some rodeo special.

I'd sure like to thank you for all the
help you gave me.

Well, getting there was the toughest part.

Well, we saved five horses.

Yeah, I found the perfect place for them.

Where?

The children's ranch right outside L.A.

Hey, that's nice.

All right.

Good.

Oh, Colt, I was right.

I truly am your best friend in the whole
world.

Oh, Terry, that's a frightening thought.

I've decided that I'm going to share half
the reward money for recovering the

diamonds with you out of the goodness of
my heart.

You're a wonderful human being.

Am I really?

Absolutely.

I can't thank you enough for all your
caring and generosity.

What did I do?

Colt said you were going
to join him in donating

the reward money
for the charity special.

Roy?

Could you sing Brother, Can You Spare a
Dime for me?

Well, I don't know the
words to that one, but

why don't you all join
me in singing this one?

Happy trails to you Until we meet again
Happy trails to you Keep smiling until

then Who cares about the clouds if we're
together Just sing a song and bring the

sun home Sunny weather Happy trails to you
Till we meet again Happy trails to you

Water All day I face the barren waste
Without the taste of water

Cool water Clear water.

Keep a moving Dan, don't you listen to him
Dan.

He's a devil not a man and he spreads the
burning sand with water.

Water.

Dan can you see that big
green tree where the water's

running free and is waiting
there for me and you.

Water.

Clear water.

See

them tumbling down.

Planting their love to the ground.

Only but free I'll be found.

Drifting along with the tumbling
tumbleweed.

Cares of the past are behind.

No where to go but I'll find.

Just where the trail will wind.

Drifting along with the tumbling
tumbleweed.

I know when night is gone.

That a new world's born at dawn.

I'll keep rolling along.

Deep in my heart is a song.

Here on the range I belong.

Drifting along with the tumbling
tumbleweed.