04x03 - Stranger Than Fiction

[bunniefuu]

Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell,
but I've been seen with Farrah.

I've never been with anything less than a
nine, so fine.

I've been on fire with Sally Field,
gone past with a girl named Bo.

But somehow they just don't end up as
mine.

Here's a death-defined life I lead.

I take my chances.

I've died.

I've never spent much time in school,
but I've told ladies plenty.

It's true I hire my...

Rafferty sat back and let the waning light
of the Miami afternoon wash over him.

A smile crossed his lips.

No.

A chilling smile.

A smiling smile crossed his lips.

He had just ordered another man to his
death.

That's good.

If

you don't return from Los
Angeles with that tape, you

are going to be sorry you
ever met Veronica Rennie.

I'm sorry already.

I didn't know she was taping everything
for a book.

It was just pillow talk.

Your pillow talk in the hands of a D.A.

could destroy a financial empire it took
me half a lifetime to build.

I didn't even know she was a writer.

You're not the first man to talk too much
in bed.

And you won't be the first to die for it.

Now get out!

What do you want us to do about him,
Mr. Grisham?

About Rudy?

Once I have my hands on that tape,
I really don't care what happens to Rudy.

As long as it's fatal.

Rudy!

What are you doing here?

I couldn't get you out of my mind.

Aren't you going to ask me in?

You shouldn't have come here, Rudy.

I told you it's not going to work between
us.

Yeah, but you're always telling me
something else.

What's that?

You used me.

All you ever wanted
was the goods on the

head of the Miami
syndicate for a lousy book.

That's not true.

It was you I was interested in.

Oh, sure.

It was you.

Until I give you enough goods to put them
away for life.

I want that tape, Veronica.

That tape is background material for my
new novel.

I'm not giving it to you or anyone.

You don't understand.

These people are dangerous.

All the more reason for me to hold on to
this.

This is my only protection.

There is no protection for either one of
us.

Now give me that tape!

No!

No!

No!

No!

It'll be like taking candy from a baby.

She called and asked me to have someone
pick her up.

Yeah, well, if it's
that easy, why doesn't

she just get on a plane
and come back herself?

She just feels safer with an escort.

That's all.

Oh, terrific.

Hugo.

Oh, you know me.

Why should I take a chance
when I can pay someone

else to do it, no matter
how small the chance is?

Well, just how small are we talking about
here?



It's too small.

You say this girl was arrested for pushing
a guy out of a ten-story window?

It wasn't her fault.

It was self-defense.

What if the guy had friends and didn't
quite see it that way?



Besides, how do you know she was loving
with you in the first place?



We tracked the bail bondsman.

You were right, Mr. Gresham.

She's with the bounty hunter now.

Why, people tell me that she never loses
her.

She'll bail without a fight.

Now, if you quit telling
her and start telling him,

he'll lead you right to
Veronica Remy and that tape.

We won't let him out of our sight.

Stay with him.

If she's so anxious to come back, how
come she jumped bail in the first place?

Well, she panicked and she ran.

She's hauled up in a trailer in the
Florida Everglades writing her next novel.

What kind of nut writes in the middle of a
swamp?

Thanks, but no thanks.



Here's your latest novel, Colt.

It's really interesting.

You ought to read this stuff.

Her specialty is Romana Clef.

That's fact disguised as fiction.

She quit the Washington Post to write
novels.

She also lives them.

She had an affair with a Middle Eastern oil
prince that almost caused another embargo.

Quite an adventurous.

Not bad, huh?

I'd never judge a book by its cover.

Besides, champagne and caviar is not my
style.

I never did care much for the swamps.

All right, Colt.

How much?

$7,500.

Deal?

Deal.

That's too bad.

I was going to surprise you by cooking up
a batch of my famous Terlinga chili.

Don't worry.

I'll be home before it's ready.

Are you sure you don't want Howie and me
to come with you?

How many people do I need to take candy
from a baby?

Final boarding call for flight 402 to
Miami, Florida.

Flight 402 now boarding at gate 36.

Speed.

Jody, would you flick it?

Now flick it.

Jody, it's an absolutely essential
ingredient in my chili.

Now go ahead, flick.

Hi.

Hi.

Colt get off her horse?

Why, is there a problem?

What makes you think that?

Well, why else would you drive all the way
out here first thing in the morning?

Well, I'm not going to leave you alone.

Terry, this isn't
another one of your only

-tell-cult-a-quarter-of-the-truth-capers,
is it?

Howie, how can you say that?

I told him at least half.

And the other half?

Well, I might have left out a detail or
two here and there.

Like?

Oh, like the man that Veronica
Remy is writing about is

the most powerful figure in
this South Florida syndicate.

And?

And, uh, she has enough evidence on that
tape to put him away for life.

Small detail.

Jody, hurry and see if the plane's left
for Miami yet.

Oh.

Sorry, that flight is divided.

However, there's another flight for Miami
in an hour.

Thank you very much.

What'd they say?

Too late.

The plane just took off.

He's gone.

Ah, that does it.

Colt's in trouble.

Let's go, Jody.

We gotta help Colt.

Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, Book is on the next flight to Miami.

Anything else?

Uh, stir my chili in.

Flick this into it every couple hours.

So this was her bounty hunter.

Latest novel.

An unstatuess Frank.

Drinking in every detail, every sinew,
every rippling muscle.

This latter-day lab spot.

She'd always been able to fend for
herself.

But now she wanted to be rescued,
like a lady in distress, to swoon at his

feet, to be carried off in his massive
arms, into the throbbing heart of the swamp.

There she is.

Save her!

Terry sent me!

A knight in shining armor called Cold.

As he drew closer, her pulse quickened.

How could she conceal her excitement,
her unbridled desire?

But she knew she had to be callous to win
him.

We're going in after him!

You

don't mind my dropping in like this?

Well, if it isn't Mr. Macho.

Terry told me you were
a stuntman and a bounty

hunter, but I figured you
did them one at a time.

How

should I know it's you they followed?

I thought I was getting professional.

I thought I was taking candy from a baby.

Come on.

All we want is the tape!

Have you heard of Randolph Gresham?

Gresham?

Gresham's the biggest name in the
syndicate.

I have evidence of his direct involvement
in a m*rder conspiracy.

The tape!

Now, or you're dead!

Well, that's an easy choice.

It's coming right up!

Give me the tape.

Now!

This is your last chance!

We're coming in!

All right, I'll get it.

Hurry, hurry.

All

right, all right!

Take it easy!

It's coming!

Hurry up, will ya?

There she goes!

Give me your exact coordinates.

I'm going to round up every available man.

My seaplane's ready.

I'll be there in 20 minutes.

I really don't think that's necessary,
Mr. Gresham.

We'll get him.

My survival is at stake.

I want all the insurance I can get.

Yes, sir.

Forget it.

We'd better find ourselves a terrible...

Pull over!

No!

You...

What are you talking about?

I just saved your life!

I'm only eating a typical dirt pie!

Well, you think you could have gotten rid
of those guys with insults?

Second thought, you probably could have!

Now stop that boat or I'll stop it for
you!

Listen, you apes!

I asked Perry to send someone to help me!

Not to pull on me over the head and drag
me home with

a...

All right, come with me.

Oh, terrific!

Terrific!

Now neither of us have a boat.

Well, just take your hands off me.

I don't need your help.

Hey, you're the one they sent for me,
remember?

Sure.

Hey, where are you going?

Anywhere you're not.

Hey, uh...

If you wouldn't dare.

How

will you give me the tape?

Will you take your hands off me?

Look, don't you understand?

They're still up there looking for us.

Oooo-Look, as long as my life depends on
this thing, it's going into my pocket.

You always just reach up the
barbell and... You can't resist, can you?

Go ahead, give in to your impulses.

Sorry, I can't bring myself to hit a
woman.

Prepare to move out.

Check all quarters.

Let's move it!

One, two, three, four.

Come on.

Somebody was definitely sh**ting at him.

Boy, those reeds are bent.

Looks like there's more than one boat.

My guess is Colt and Veronica escaped that
way.

The old pair do swamps.

Well, the police said there would be a
search party out of town by the second hand.

We can't just leave it up to the police.

Not with Colt's life in this much danger.

Oh, one question.

How are we going to find them?

We're going to leave the boat and walk.

What?

Are you crazy with the jump they've got on
us?

If they went upriver by boat,
they'd have to snake through

almost 20 miles of water
before they hit Green River.

Now look, if we cut across the swamp right
here, chances are we'll run into them.

And you know what Colt always says in a
situation like this?

The shortest distance between two points
is a straight line.

Right?

Huh?

Let's press on the sore spots for 20
seconds and release.

It's called reflexology.

I thought people in your line of work got
your brain scrambled.

Yeah, we start out that way.

Then we take a couple of rough falls and
get some sense knocked into us.

Let's talk about you for a change.

Someone once said, What is a wonderful
lady like you doing in a swamp like this?

I got fed up covering society news.

One too many boring debutante parties.

One too many columns on who is wintering
in Bermuda.

Wanted to write about real life.

You always get involved with people you're
writing about?

I take my research very seriously,
if that's what you mean.

And I find fact ever so much more
interesting.

It's hard to believe.

I don't suppose it ever
occurred to you that writing about

the syndicate would be stepping
on some pretty important toes?

Sure it occurred to me.

What's life without a few risks?

Generally, a lot longer.

That doesn't sound much like a stuntman.

Yeah, well, it's a habit I learned from
poker.

Only bet I'm sure of a thing.

Well, then you get into it.

And put your money on me.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'd rather play it safe and cold.

See, that's why I could never get
interested in a man like you.

Deep down, you've got the backbone of a
jellyfish.

No guts at all.

I don't suppose there's anything that
you're afraid of?

Well, certainly nothing on two legs.

Huh?

Ah!

If you try to tackle me one more time,
I'm gonna bring you up on as*ault charges.

Yeah, I just stopped an as*ault.

That snake was a deadly water moccasin.

It was either him or me.

Next time, I'd rather take my chances with
the snake.

As far as I know, I'm not poisonous.

I'll be the judge of that.

How'd it was?

I'm not leaving anything to chance.

I've

got a few more of these to cross.

We have to stay in the street.

Great line.

We

also stand a better chance of being
spotted.

Tell me what to do.

Who made you troop leader?

Quiet!

I had to.

You have the tape.

Let's go for aggression.

This guy's got enough troops for an army.

Out of gas.

My hero.

Too bad these things don't run on bad
vibes.

We could make it all the way to China.

Well, what now, almighty one?

Well, they look for a place to make camp.

Why can't we just keep traveling?

You can't travel a swamp at night without
the right equipment.

First time I've ever been accused of not
having the right equipment.

Nobody here.

Must be a hunter's camp.

All the comforts of home.

All the comforts of home.

Get off the road!

It's okay, it's okay.

He's gone.

It's okay.

I was just a little startled, that's all.

You know there are worse things in the
world than admiting you're afraid.

Would it bother you if I told you I
neither wanted nor needed your protection?

Hey, don't get touchy.

I'm not getting touchy.

I'm just a little sick and tired of your
riding cowboy attitude towards my sex.

Well, believe me, I've got nothing against
your sex.

In fact, I'm kind of partial to it.

I just wanted to be seen.

I just hope Cole's all right.

I don't think he was prepared for a trek
through the swamps.

Yeah, well, this isn't just any swamp,
Jody.

I remember reading about it in my history
class at Penn.

We're smack dab in the middle of the
Spanish Crest.

Yeah, sounds like a breakfast roll.

Yeah, well, legend has it that a whole
group of Caribbean pirates got together

and buried their booty somewhere around
here.

One more fascinating fact like that,
Howie, and I'll throw up.

I suppose you'd want to come sit by the
fire.

Sure is nice.

Coffee's ready.

How about some?

Do

you remember what you told me about fact
being more interesting than fiction?

Yeah, so?

No offense, but I think the
person that you are is a lot

more exciting than the
person you're pretending to be.

You do, huh?

Yeah, I'm convinced of it.

If you were one of my characters,
I'd put you through one hell of a rewrite.

Yeah, what would you change?

I'd give you a mustache, for starters.

Maybe a criminal record.

Just

give me a minute to get out of these wet
things.

I might even break 30 seconds.

Oh, that feels so much better.

It feels so good to get out of these wet
things.

I should try it.

I'm afraid your knight in shining armor is
a little rusty.

In what?

Just an expression.

You listened to my tape!

No, no, no, it was an accident.

You two-faced sneaky!

I didn't mean it, I mean it.

You're an excuse for a human being!

No, really!

You shouldn't do that, there's nothing to
do with

it!

I hear something.

I think it's coming from inside the tent.

You wait here, kid.

What was it?

Well, it's cold, but don't go over there.

Cold?

Well, he's not hurt, is he?

Jody!

Cold!

Cold!

What?

Oh, God, I thought we'd never find you
and...

I'm not interrupting anything,
am I?

Why do you ask?

Hi, Jody Banks.

You must be...

Charmed.

Howie, you can come out now.

All

this and chaperones, too.

Cold, you really have thought of
everything.

You two continue to have an uncanny sense
of timing.

Thanks, Cold.

For a minute there, I thought you were
going to be mad at us.

Did you bring a compass?

Sure.

Well, you may as well take advantage of
the last couple hours of darkness.

With a little luck, we can make it to the
Green River by morning.

Counting on luck, I hope you brought your
own.

Anybody mind if I get dressed?

Me, too.

Can't be.

Yeah, what is it, kid?

Oh, another national history lecture,
please.

It's rock, Cold.

Yeah, it looks like the wings of a
butterfly, exactly the way it was described.

Isn't it called swamp?

Are you talking about the pirates'
enclave?

Yeah, yeah, it's supposed to be where the
kings ransom and gold doubloons.

But that's all folklore.

It doesn't really exist.

Come on, let's talk about this when we
reach Green River, huh?

Come on.

Wait a minute, Cold.

I remember the verse.

I learned it once.

Where butterflies are cast in stone,
where mosses swing like hangman's twine,

there he who finds the steroids of rock
will hold the treasure for all time.

That's enough poetry.

We need to keep moving.

Hey, look at this.

Howie, where you going?

Come on.

This way.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

There's a trap.

It's made for humans.

Pirates' enclave was designed to k*ll
anybody who trespassed near it.

Yeah, it's been around forever.

You better watch your step back there.

Colt, look at this.

Where mosses grow like hangman's twine.

This moss is growing twisted like a rope.

The other one is growing twisted.

Let's go.

Colt, if we move forward, we run the risk
of more booby traps.

If we don't move forward, there's no ifs
about it.

Those guys will k*ll us.

Come on.

We gotta watch every step, Paul.

Anything around here could be a booby
trap.

Well, I'm sorry, kid, but I find that
whole story a little hard to buy.

There they are.

Get up.

Move it.

Let's split up and meet at Green River.

Where are they?

Where are they, the woman and Sevis?

I don't know.

They could be anywhere.

This part of the swamp, it's a curse.

Right.

Now tell us for one about Goldilocks and
the three little dams, huh?

And you must be Goldilocks, is this it?

You must be the curse.

Stay here with the woman.

We're gonna get those two once and for
all.

Let's go.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You gotta listen to me.

This whole area, it's an obstacle course
designed to k*ll.

It's full of booby traps.

One wrong step and it could be the last
one.

Really?

Well, if you don't want
anything to happen to

your friend here, you
won't mind leading the way.

If there are booby traps out there...

you'll be a human mind sweeper.

I'll make a deal with you.

You get us out of here
alive, I'll give you 5% of what

I make on the book I'm
gonna write about all this.

I can guarantee a happy ending.

You can keep your money.

I do when I'm liable to trigger some 17th
century pirate's revenge.

I think he's just stalling.

There's nothing to be afraid of around
here.

Follow me.

Watch it, watch it.

All right.

You lead.

Okay, Mr. Wizard, let's go.

He moved through the swamp with a cat-like
grace.

He had become the beast of the jungle.

On the hunt.

He's not...

He's due yet.

Oh, no!

No, no, no.

..

He hasn't seen the monster yet.

No, he hasn't.

The dog is there... Oh, no.

No, it's gone...
You're kidding me.

No, I haven't read them.

This is an honor.

It is a pleasure.

Oh man!

Oh!

Hey, what's the matter?

Oh!

What's the matter?

Who

finds the stairs of rock?

I wonder... What?

...if these are the stairs that Howie's
verse referred to.

Huh?

Come on, let's take a look.

Howie was right.

I must be dreaming.

Come in.

Don't touch it.

Why?

You're not superstitious, are you?

No, but neither was this fellow.

The one who uncovered it in the first
place.

It's covered with blowfish poison.

If you touch it, you'll die.

Hold it right there.

Oh!

Where's Jody?

She's with an employee of mine.

We've never met, but I know an important
man when I see him.

I want the tape.

What if I was to tell you
that there's something

here even more valuable
to you, Mr. Gressman?

I'd say that you're a desperate man.

It's enough gold to tempt even the richest
man.

All you have to do is let us all go,
and it's yours.

You're lying.

Am I?

Take a look.

Come.

You watch him.

It's incredible.

There's got to be millions in here.

Look at that.

Well, it looks like it's all mine anyway,
Cetus.

What is this?

Some kind of a joke?

Jody, you all right?

Yeah.

Well, he who finds the stairs of rock will
hold his treasure for all time.

And it didn't look like he was going
anywhere soon.

Smart.

I finally found the right hero for my
book.

Finally a little peace and quiet.

To you.

Thank you.

I thought I'd bring the g*ng over to try
some chili.

And after our two days of puffing on a
cigar, I think I deserve something.

I'll go stir some up.

Have you heard anything about the
condition of Gresham and his men?

Yes.

They will be well enough to stand trial.

You see, when they
originally dipped those coins

in blowfish poison, there
wasn't any anti -toxin.

Fortunately for those three guys,
they developed one.

I still get a little heart sick when I
think of all that gold the state claimed.

That's one little detail I might change
when I write my book.

I like it better where
the lady author gets

acquitted and runs
off with a rich stuntman.

If only fact were fiction.

Excuse me.

Oh, come with me.

What are we going to eat outside?

Oh, the three of you are.

Jody, take your time.

What?

Um... Bye.

Sorry for that little interruption there.

I don't know exactly where we were.

You were about to look for the tape I had
hidden.