05x06 - October the 32nd

[bunniefuu]

Tell, but I've been seen with Farrah.

I've never been with anything less than a
nine.

So fine.

I've been on fire with Sally Field.

I've gone past with a girl named Bo.

But somehow they just don't end up as
mine.

It's a death defying life I lead.

I take my chances.

I die for living in the movies and TV.

But the hardest thing I
ever do is watch my leading

ladies kiss some other guy
while I'm bandaging my knee.

I might fall from a tall building.

I might roll a brand new car.

Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that made
Redford such a star.

I've

never spent much time in school.

But I've taught ladies plenty.

It's true I hire my body out of the bay.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Teague's
blown up for Rockin' Welch.

But when I wind up in the hay,
it's only hay.

I might jump an open drawbridge or Tarzan
from a vine.

Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes
Eastwood look so fine.

My hero.

Cut.

I said cut.

I'm ready for my close up now.

Just as soon as your leading lady comes up
for air.

Cut.

I

don't know how to make my point.

But this is a cut.

Wow.

Now I know why they call them stuntmen.

Could we do that one more time in slow
motion?

Watch this, Jack.

You might learn something.

That's okay, Tony.

Another angle might just confuse the
editor.

Could we go somewhere and talk?

That's a wrap.

Congratulations, everybody.

Oh, thank God this turkey's over.

Yeah.

I thought they'd ever make a sequel to
that last Elmire rapper.

Now that the picture's
wrapped, I thought maybe

you and I could get
in a little sightseeing.

There's some darling little dungeons just
south of Birmingham I've been dying to see.

I'd love to, Elvira, but as soon as I get
my paycheck, I gotta pack.

I got a new job on Monday.

It'll be just t*rture without you.

Speaking of paychecks, excuse me.

All right, everybody, gather round.

Listen up, everybody.

I've got some really exciting news.

To kick off the publicity campaign for The
Bottomless Grave, I've invited the press

here to announce
that I'm offering to five

lucky cast members an
opportunity of a lifetime.

A chance to spend the night in an
authentic haunted house.

Is he kidding?

I'm even sending along one of the
world's foremost ghost hunters, Dr.

Stephen Casemire, to document
any supernatural occurrences.

Doctor, will you come forward?

Doctor!

Where is he?

No, no, Dr. Casemire couldn't make it.

He had to go to a conference in Geneva.

I'm his assistant, Arnold Rogeson.

Hey, I paid good money for the professor.

For a night in Pelham Manor, I'd be happy
to pay you.

Wonderful.

Thanks.

Naturally, we'll want you there,
Elvira.

Look, Oscar, I already agreed to do your
lousy movie.

A stupidly lower in this dress gets an X
rating.

Great little kidder, isn't she?

Great sense of humor.

Go ahead, photograph, enjoy.

Tony?

Pass.

Tony, you're into me for a lot of money.

Just be a good boy and show up,
huh?

Obviously, what's needed here is Moxie.

Colt, I can count on you and your stunt
team.

I'm sorry, but no can do.

We've got a plane to catch.

First thing in the morning.

Colt, I went to a lot of trouble to set
all this up.

If you and your friends won't
play along, I can't promise

there won't be a hitch in
you getting your salaries.

But...

He can't do that, can he?

Can he?

Yep.

This is my best side.

Of course, this side isn't too bad.

What kind of promotion
do you think I'm going

to get if the star of
the movie isn't there?

If you think I'm going to demean myself...

for some cheap publicity stunt,
forget it, Oscar.

Wild horses couldn't drag me.

Colt's agreed to go.

Of course, if it'll really help the
picture.

Here's the place.

Pelham Manor.

For my research, I'd say we're in for an
exciting night.

You're not trying to tell us this house is
really haunted.

Depends whether you believe Osman Pelham,
the man who lives here.


a man named Croydon,

went crazy and hacked
Pelham's parents to bits.

Osman was five at the time, and he
survived by hiding under a bed.

He swears the ghosts of his parents walk
the manor.

At night.

Oh, how awful.

No wonder the man sees ghosts.

Afternoon.

Inspector Nigel Hildebrand.

If it's not too much of a nuisance,
I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Not at all.

What's the problem, Inspector?

Well, you see, shall we?

There was a bit of a nasty accident just
up the road early this morning.

A car went out of control and toppled over
the cliff.

Was anybody k*lled?

No, but the problem is that the driver was
a dangerously psychotic criminal who

escaped from a mental hospital just
outside Liverpool.

You mean the psycho's on the loose?

Yes, I'm afraid he is, but the police
should be here any time now.

Well, I thought that you were the police.

Oh, yes, Scotland Yard.

I retired four years ago last August.

I live just over the bridge in Warwick.

I was on my way into town, and I saw these
skid marks going off the road.

Well, this guy's straight from Central
Cassie.

You're all guests of Osman Pelham,
I take it?

Yes, I was just going in myself to warn
him.

Why?

Well, this man who escaped, he's the
maniac who was responsible for the m*rder

of Lord Pelham's parents in this very
house many years ago.

Croydon's still alive?

Yes.

Oh, good heavens.

I didn't think anyone remembered that name
anymore.

Yes, you see, my guess is that he came back
to finish what he started 20 years ago.

Yes.

All right, all right, can I unlock the
very door?

Well, what the hell do you want?

It's all right, Sal.

Inspector Hildebrand.

What's this all about?

Well, actually, we've come here on
separate matters.

Lord Osman Pelham, this is Mr. Colt
Seavers.

Mr. Worsky said you'd be expecting us.

Ah, from the movie company?

Of course.

Welcome to Pelham Manor.

Won't you come in?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

You can leave your luggage in the hall.

My man will deal with it later.

You've got a great place here,
Ozzie.

I'll have to get the name of your
decorator.

Yeah, it's a bloody army.

I hope they don't expect me to feed them
all.

Sal, would you care to bring us some tea?

Not really.

You'll have to excuse my bottle.

He's the only one I've hired in the last
ten years who hasn't been scared off.

Well, I can see why the ghosts stay out of
his way.

Let's just hope you were as fortunate.

I wonder if I could have a word with you,
Lord Pelham.

Ah, this place is incredible.

You know, we might all wind up having a
truly metaphysical experience here.

I know I plan to.

Don't forget there's a psychotic k*ller
prowling the neighborhood.

Not to mention a house full of angry
spirits.

What the heck is that?

Kirlian Emissions Detector.

It measures luminous radiation in the non
-visible range.

I remember studying those at Duke.

It's amazing what you can get in cereal
boxes these days.

I knew one day he'd come back.

It was just a matter of time.

I think perhaps it would
be best if you made

arrangements to stay elsewhere
until Croydon is captured.

Oh, I'm perfectly safe, Inspector.

I have my protectors.

Ah, yeah.

What about these people?

Shall I ask them to go away?

Oh, no, no, no.

I can't afford to give up what they're
paying me.

Ah, I see.

Well, I think I'll see what I can find
back up on the main road.

If I come up with
anything, it might give the

yard a head start when
their man gets here.

Yes, sir.

Don't bother to see me out.

Yeah.

And don't go asking after biscuits,
because there ain't none.

What's the matter, Colt?

You're not afraid of if you...

What I'm afraid of is a little all too
real.

I'll sleep a lot better when they get that
k*ller back in custody.

If I get my way, you won't sleep at all.

You know what she's doing, don't you?

That's the oldest trick in the book.

She's trying to pique my interest by
pretending she's going after Colt.

Oh, yeah.

Listen.

Well, if you ask me, this ghost thing's a
lot of malarkey.

The rest of us don't really need any
convincing.

By the way, I loved you in Poltergeist.

Are you okay?

Sure.

Must have been a little screwed.

Well, there's no shortage of those around
here.

I'm going to take some readings around the
grounds.

Anyone care to join me?

No, thanks.

Howie, why don't you go with him?

Okay, Colt.

Colt, I was just coming to look for you.

Look what I dug up down in the cellar.



That'd be about the year they say those
murders took place.

Oh, Colt, that's what I like about you.

You're such a romantic.

Why don't you meet me in my room in about
ten minutes?

I'm pretty tired.

I was hoping to get there early.

Oh, whatever you say.

Let's make it five minutes then.

No, but...

I know you won't mind giving Colt and I a
little time alone.

Of course not.

It'll give you a chance to get to know
Arnold a little better.

I'd rather flirt with a ghost.

I don't know.

I've always been partial to zombies.

Jody, if you wanted some wine,
you could have asked for it.

I didn't drink that wine.

I just poured two full glasses.

Now one of them's empty.

What is this, one of those mail-order
tricks or something?

Are you sure you poured two glasses?

Look, I don't mind an occasional
apparition.

But what I can't stand is a supernatural
lash.

Oh, it must be cold.

He couldn't even wait five minutes.

Surprise.

Disappointed's more like it.

Aren't you going to invite me in?

Do I have a choice?

Well, I think I'll leave you two lovebirds
alone.

Thanks.

I see you've been expecting me.

Well, actually, Tony, I was...
kind of expecting someone else.

Colt.

Damn it, Elvira.

You deserve more than a stuntman.

Well, one's plenty.

Thanks.

You know, I...

I've been around the block a few times.

Oh, and I bet you always wear those
darling little running shoes.

I know you don't want Colt.

You're just doing this for my benefit.

Gee, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

You getting anything, Arnold?

No.

The energy field just peaked and then it
disappeared.

Ah.

You know, it looks like it might rain
again.

Maybe we ought to go back.

It's you, Inspector.

Had us going there for a minute.

Well, I wouldn't relax just yet.

Take a look inside.

Found the victim's car outside the gate.

Here's his I.D.

Wicks Lawrence R.

Thirty-one.

Six years at Scotland Yard.

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.

Well, Croydon better pray that I'm not the
one who finds him.

The k*ller must have ambushed him and then
stashed his body.

Yeah, yeah.

Anybody here hungry besides me?

Hello?

Oh, no food?

It's no use.

The phones are dead.

The storm must have snapped the lines.

The storm or something more powerful.

I don't know about
the rest of you, but I'm

gonna borrow a car
and hightail it out of here.

Maybe Tony has the right idea.

Come on, you guys, take it easy.

Inspector, you got a g*n?

British police don't carry weapons,
Gordon.

Especially retired ones.

Oh, this is the part where I always cover
my eyes.

Mother.

Mother.

Protect me.

Yeah, me too, Mom.

Stop!

It's Sol!

Well, who the hell do you think it was,
Maggie Thatcher?

Where the devil did you go?

I wasn't going to hang about and
mollycoddle a lot of rude yanks.

I was on my way to my cousin's place in
Warwick.

But the road to the bridge is flooded.

You mean we're stuck here?

Yeah.

At least until the rain subsides.

That means the k*ller's stuck here,
too.

We're sitting ducks.

Only we're not going to sit.

No, certainly not.

Well, what do you suggest, Mr. Stevens?

Well, for starters, we keep everybody in
this wing of the house.

Secure the doors and windows.

And hope that it's enough that we
outnumber him.

Can you remember the first time you saw
them?

After the murders.

I was sent away to boarding school.

When I was 17, I came home.

At first, it was just the crying.

Mournful, desperately sad wailing.

It would go on for hours.

And then the pounding, night after night.

My bed would shake so I couldn't sleep.

Then I saw them.

I can't remember if I screamed the first
time or just tried to.

There they were.

Staring at me with those eyes.

Begging me.

Pleading with me to help them until I
thought I was going to go mad.

Since then, we've been constant
companions.

Maybe we ought to call it a night.

How are you, the inspector?

And I'll take turns keeping watch.

Don't forget about me.

Don't worry, Tony.

Colt won't let anything happen to you.

They'll walk tonight.

Make no mistake.

They'll walk.

Fredericks of Transylvania.

Oh, isn't it marvelous?

Colt is going to love this.

Elvira, a man is dead.

There's a maniac on the loose and you're
worried about impressing Colt?

You're right.

It should be more blasé.

Play hard to get.

That is going to be hard.

Well, I'll see you later.

It's almost Colt's watch and I'm going to
go keep him company.

Colt!

What's the matter?

How did you see the ghost?

Colt!

Jody, are you all right?

I saw something there.

You saw what?

You're going to say I'm crazy.

It was a man and it was real, but it
wasn't real.

Look, we've all heard of the power of
suggestions.

I believe you, Jody.

In good time, you'll all become believers.

It's okay, Harry.

Arnold, you look after Jody, will you?

The rest of us, let's split up and take a
look around, huh?

Colt, I'm going with you.

Look, when it comes to giving away evil
spirits, I am better than garlic.

I want you to come with me and help me
find that ghost.

Are you crazy?

You haven't seen that thing.

Oh, but if you were with me, I'm sure I
would.

The spirits have shown an affinity for
you.

I can't say that I blame them.

I want you to draw them out for me.

I'm not leaving this room.

Then you'll be in here alone.

Okay.

Come on.

Forget my instruments.

Colt, you know, I'm not as tough as you
might think.

I mean, I'm still having trouble with the
haunted house at Disneyland.

Shh.

Did you hear something?

No, but it sounds like a good time to turn
around.

Well, listen.

It's probably just the butler jogging
before bed.

Come on.

Look at this.

Why?

What do you mean?

Well, when we arrived this afternoon,
there were two hatchets.

Now there's only one.

Are you sure?

Yes, yes, yes.

You see where the dust has been recently
disturbed on the bracket which held it.

Yeah.

And it is virtually identical to the
weapon he used the first time.

Are you saying that you think Freud was
here?

Was.

Or is.

Why is it so cold in here?

This is the room.

What room?

Lord and Lady Pelham lost their lives
here.

Let's get out of here.

Wait.

This wasn't exactly what I had in mind when
I pictured our getting away for a weekend.

Yeah, well, it isn't my idea of a picnic
either.

But if I had to spend the
night in a mildew pit like

this stalking an axe m*rder*r,
I'm glad it was with you.

Thanks.

It's amazing what a girl will do for a guy
with nice buns.

Looks like somebody broke in.

Either that or this place has rats the
size of c*ck Spaniels.

Better board this window up.

Just one question.

Are we trying to keep this thing out or
in?

See, I'm not crazy.

My God, I don't believe it.

You don't believe it.

You're supposed to be the ghost hunter.

What a damnation are the hounds barking
at?

Well, Allie, let's check it out.

Oh, there he is.

Go that way.

Did you see him?

Colt!

Colt!

You all right?

Colt?

I had the time to get a good look at him.

It was Croydon.

Was this before or after your impersonation
of the Marquis at Caesar's Palace?

One night in a place like this,
a guy could get superstitious.

Don't worry, Colt.

The night is young.

You could still get lucky.

It was a full-blown, quantifiable,
light-emitting ectoplasm.

You know, I get a good picture of this,
and it'll make parapsychology history.

I just hope we're not history first.

You know, I don't know what I'm more
afraid of, the m*rder or that thing I saw.

This may be the most important night of my
life.

I'm real glad to have someone like you to
share it with.

Kipper's at three in the morning.

I hope you all die of dyspepsia.

I don't suppose you have any of those cute
little marinated baby corn?

Potato chips?

Will that be all, sir?

Yes, yes.

Easy does it now, madam.

You wouldn't want a choke on a bone.

Remind me not to leave him a tip.

Well, all the windows and doors are
secure.

Yes, but we must remember that Croydon was
the caretaker here.

He knew every nook and cranny of the
estate.

If there was a way in, he'd know it.

And I am convinced that he has slipped in
and out at least once.

The inspector thinks Croydon was here,
took the other hatchet off of that stand.

Ah, that is, of course, unless one of you
took it as a precaution.

In which case, why conceal the fact?

Yeah.

How do we know you are who you say you
are?

And what really happened to the professor?

If we start accusing one another,
we'd be giving the k*ller an advantage.

I'd like to keep the odds on our side.

We stay together, stay on guard,
we'll get through this thing.

How very courageous of you, Mr. Seavers.

You're not the one he's after.

We don't know that you are either.

Oh, no!

It was years before I found the courage to
remember.

There was a storm that night, much like
this one.

I heard yelling from the library.

Father was having a terrific row with the
caretaker.

Mr. Croydon had been drinking again.

Father told him to go away and never come
back, but he did...

come back.

I had just been put to bed.

I heard this terrible crashing.

He broke nearly every window in this room
with a cleaver from the kitchen and then.

..

then he started.

I hid under the bed.

When the screams finally stopped...

I heard him coming up the stairs.

He walked right into my room.

He kneeled down.

He started reaching for me.

I remember there was this terrible scar on
his wrist.

Then a neighbor came in.

Another minute...

and I would have ended up like Mummy.

Daddy.

What's the matter, Ozzie?

Don't you have any pretenders or talking
heads?

I mean, how do you dance to Gregorian
chants?

Do you believe this?

In the one night we have together,
we end up babysitting a bunch of psychos?

Hey, Oz, don't you have any games?

You know, like pin the tail on the devil
or something?

I think you'll find there's a Ouija board
in your room.

Um, hey, call one who can sort with the
spirits.

Uh, no thanks.

If you don't mind, I think I'll just look
around a little more.

You need me, doll?

Like a fish needs a bicycle.

Anybody for Ouija?

Walk this way.

One

must have forgotten their keys.

Oh, my God.

Cyril was right.

I never should have eaten those kippers.

Osmond, Osmond.

Yes, Father?

You must avenge our deaths.

He must pay.

He will pay, Father.

I swear on your graves, Croydon will pay.

No!

You're dead!

Croydon!

m*rder*r!

m*rder*r!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm going after him.

What happened?

Here, here, Where was that?

T -It was Croydon.

It was like a wild animal.

Osmond went after him.

Now, let's go check the basement.

Tony, you go with the Inspector.

We will check the third floor.

Right.

Croydon...

Where's the Jfreeには?abet...
you're in here.

There!

Oh, I see.

Croydon!

Damn you, Croydon!

Where's the big one?

It's

You're twenty years too late.

He won't be needing this.

I hope you hang this time, Croydon.

But even the gallows would be too kind for
your sort of vermin.

It's a lie!

I didn't m*rder anybody, you monster!

I worshipped your mother and your father!

That's why I had to go back.

I had to explain what happened that night.

Liar!

Better get him upstairs.

We'll be up in a minute.

Come on, Lord Pelham.

Come on.

m*rder*r!

m*rder*r!

Nobody would believe me!

There was another man!

The man they had dinner with!

He's the k*ller!

Yes, yes.

Well, the rain's let up now.

The load is maybe passable.

If you'll give me a hand
to load him into my car,

we'll be on our way to
the nearest constabulary.

Hold on, Inspector.

I think we'd be better off if we both took
him in.

We've already proven how dangerous he is.

He'll keep till morning.

Yes, yes.

Very well.

But if he escapes again, then the blame is
squarely on your shoulders.

I'm innocent.

God knows.

I didn't do it.

Hey!

Cheer up, you guys!

I mean, Coke caught the k*ller.

You know, ding-dong, the witch is dead,
and all that.

Yeah, what about those ghosts?

Oh, take it from a horror movie buff,
honey.

Once a ghost gets its revenge,
it just floats off into eternity,

never to be heard from again.

Of course, there was always the last 20
minutes of Brains of the Phantom.

What happened in that one?

Uh, you don't want to know.

How can they rest when that beast is still
alive?

It's happening again.

Oh, what?

Baby Guy, you don't want to hurt me.

I mean, we move in the same circles and
all that.

I think what you probably want is one of
those sacrificial blondes.

Am I right?

He'll die for his crimes.

He won't leave this house alive!

Osmond, help us.

Oh, what'd you do?

I guess I just short-circuited a haunted
house.

What the hell?

What's all this?

Special effects equipment.

Sure is.

Look at this stuff.

It's lasers, hologram interfaces,
timers, and it's all computer-controlled.

And all from the movie company.

I'm damned.

This.

There's your ghost.

I'll bet you a year's residuals you'll
find these projectors all over the house.

It was all a hoax.

How'd you find out?

Well, it was tipped off by some new
electrical rigging in the basement.

And that explains why the lights dimmed
every time that a ghost appeared.

Dig a little deeper, maybe you'll find our
producer in there.

Well, Worsky wanted publicity for the
movie, right?

My money says he made
a deal with old Osman here

to make sure we had
the wit scared out of us.

No, he wouldn't tell me what he was doing
exactly.

He offered me a great deal of money to
turn my house over to him.

I was away for a week.

I didn't know about any of this,
I swear.

Well, anyway, so much for the haunting of
Pelham Manor.

Those ghosts may have been fabricated.

There are spirits here.

Mark my words.

You know, Inspector, you were awfully
sloppy for a man of your background.

Hmm.

You've gone dotty.

No, I don't think so.

I wonder, you were the first to find the
detective's body because you k*lled him.

And Osman's parents.

Cold you can't be serious.

Osman said the k*ller had a scar on his
wrist.

Croydon didn't have a scar.

This is absurd.

Yeah, what's there to hide?

Damn you, Hilderand!

You think you're so smart, don't you?

Well, we'll see about that.

When the police get back up on their feet,
they'll be getting away, we'll see.

If you don't get here, they'll find you
all dead.

And poor old Croydon, he just couldn't
take anymore.

So he put a b*llet through everyone's head
and then through his own.

You know, Inspector, you'll never get away
with it.

I thought you pulled the plug on that
thing.

He did.

That's no hologram.

Lydia, I'm so sorry.

What's the point?

Croydon said there was a dinner guest that
night 20 years ago.

That couldn't have been you, could it?

I was so much younger.

I loved your mother, Osmond.

I really loved her.

She promised that she would run away with
me.

And that night at dinner
today, your father confronted me

and she said I was a fool
to think that she was serious.

And then they laughed.

And so I k*lled them.

Then you framed Croydon.

Well, he already had a history of mental
problems.

If fate hadn't brought him back here,
no one would ever have known.

Hey, we finally got through to Worsky.

He's agreed to pay us $1,000 each for the
night's work.

Not bad, huh?

Yeah, only you'll probably have to use a
cattle prod to get it out of him.

Yeah, well, after what we went through,
$1,000 is minimum wage.

Hey, you were a regular Sherlock Holmes
cult.

Not only did you catch
the k*ller of that detective,

but you solved a


Elementary, my dear.

Monson Elementary.

It's too bad they can't give those 20
years back to Croydon.

No wonder the poor guy went crazy.

He kept telling the truth and nobody
believed him.

No, the crazy thing is that Worsky swore
he had nothing to do with any of those

fallen objects or that last ghost that we
saw.

You mean that was for real?

Looks like I'm gonna get my article out of
this after all.

Uh, Cole, how about a rain check on our
weekend together?

You got it, but don't mention rain,
okay?

Don't worry.

They say lightning never strikes twice.