02x01 - Like, This Is the Legend of the Giant Snake

[bunniefuu]

- [ominous music playing]
- [crows cawing]

[water trickling]

[shivers]

[growls]

[thinks] Maybe they're like a wolf pack.

If I take out the leader,
the rest'll scatter.

[all moaning]

[gasps]

[snarls]

[gasps]

[thinks] So dizzy!

- Can't get my power to work.
- [laughs]

[thrilling music playing]

[gasps]

- [cracking]
- Huh?

Hot, hot, hot, hot!

- [man 1 wails]
- [man 2] What did he do?

- [man 3] Must have broke a pipe.
- [man 4] Look! She's getting away!

- Aah! Get her!
- [Momo grunting]

[man 5 groans]

[Momo grunts]

[man 3] Hurry! Get out! The whole
dang fence is about to come down.

[man 5] I got a splinter in my a*s!

I don't know what happened,
but I'm gettin' the hell outta here!

[gasps]

- Huh?
- [growls]

[whimpers]

[man snarls]

- [Momo whimpers]
- [man chuckles]

[breathing heavily]

[cackling]

- [cracking]
- Uh…

[yelps]

- Ah! No! [yelling]
- [Momo gasps]

[man whimpers]

Whoa.

The view's off the hook!

[Turbo Granny] Whew! Lucky thing
this place was such a run-down dump.

Yeah, it's all luck. Always the luck.

So much luck.

- What? What are you doing here?
- Thought you could ditch me, did ya?

My ears perked up when I heard
Seiko tell you where the goofy kid lived.

- [bleeping]
- I knew it was in hot springs territory.

So I hid in your backpack,
all sneaky like,

and hitched a ride
without you even knowing!

[Momo] I didn't care if you came with us.

Anyway, what do we do about the damage?

[Turbo Granny] Who cares?
The place was already falling apart.

I didn't do nothin',
so it ain't my problem.

- [groans] How did that happen?
- Oh, my back.

- [man 6] Who in the hell?
- [both] Huh?

- [Momo gasps]
- What? Did you jerks do this?

- Wait a sec! You're the Kitos!
- Causing trouble like always!

[man 1] Damn.
It's the chamber of commerce.

[businessmen clamoring]

[man 7] Pick up the pace!

- [man 8] Don't let them get away!
- b*stards! Hope you die in prison!

Aah! That bath sure hit the spot.

[Momo] Thanks for saving me.

EPISODE 13: LIKE, THIS IS
THE LEGEND OF THE GIANT SNAKE

[Turbo Granny] I didn't save ya.

It's the power of the vessel I'm in
doing its thing, that's all.

[Momo] Yeah. I guess it is.

Anyway, what did you think
of Jiji's place?

Did your Turbo Granny senses tingle?

I didn't feel anything weird in there.

That house is no good.

The walls, the floors…
whole damn thing is soaked in blood.

[eerie music playing]

- [ghostly moaning]
- [Okarun trembling]

Holy crap. A secret room!

Shall we check it out?

[Okarun] No, of course not!

We don't know
what kind of danger's lurking in there.

Let's wait for Miss Ayase to come back.

[Jiji groans]

- [doorbell rings]
- [both yelp]

That must be Miss Ayase.

Nice timing, girl!

Momo! You won't believe what we fo…

Huh?

[song in Japanese playing]

DAN DA DAN

♪ Dan, Dan, Da Da Dan… ♪

[lyrics in Japanese]

♪ Dan, Dan, Da Da Dan… ♪

[lyrics in Japanese]

♪ Dan Da Dan, Da Dan… ♪

[lyrics in Japanese]

[wind gusting]

- [wistful music playing]
- [gasps]

[woman 1] You know that family
of idiots in the corner house?

Well, I don't think
I've ever heard them say hello!

[woman 2] Rude people make me so sick.

What are they thinking?
This is our land, after all.

Someone oughta go and teach those
so-and-sos a thing or two about manners.

Jin! Don't stand there like a tree.

- Sit yourself down and have a snack.
- Wow, thanks!

That's right, kid. Be more sociable.

It's on account of my generosity
you don't have to pay the rent.

Hah! Right, ma'am.

Life's tough
when your folks ain't fit to care for you.

If it weren't for us taking pity on you,

you'd be out on the street
living out of a box.

Yeah, she's right, my boy.
You should be grateful.

- Jiji, what's the deal with these people?
- [women chattering]

Everything she said is true.

They're letting me stay here for free
till my folks get out of the hospital.

They're the Kito Family.
They own this place.

They're right. The only reason I got
a roof over my head is 'cause of them.

[Okarun] What are they gonna say
about the hole we put in the wall?

If they find out about it, just play dumb.

- [woman 3] Hey, Jin.
- [both gasp]

You took off without telling us.

You're supposed
to ask for permission first.

Sorry. My good buddy here
wanted to hang out,

but he didn't have a ride,
so I went and got him.

- Mm-hm!
- He's my good buddy, after all!

He ain't another medium, is he?

'Cause if you thought you could bring
another one of them around these parts,

we're gonna have a problem!

- [Jiji] Mmm…
- What? You think this is funny?

There's no ghosts around here, ya idiot!

Are you trying
to destroy our property's value?

Don't go telling lies
about this place bein' haunted!

No, no!

- Does he even look like a medium to you?
- [whimpers]

Those other people were scammers.
There's no ghosts here.

[both] Huh?

[woman 3] I got a hunting license,
don't you know?

And I hear accidents happen
all the time up in these mountains.

I should be careful, 'cause one day,
I might be chasin' a boar,

and if a person got between
me and my g*n and that boar,

they might get dead.

Could ya please not point that at me?

License or no license, if a cop happened
along and saw you doin' that,

they'd lock you up. [chuckles]

Good afternoon.

[man 1] What a drag.

Chamber of commerce almost
caught us at our favorite hot spring.

But thanks to Tsuru, we managed
to give those whackadoos the slip.

- Yeah.
- [man 2] The whole place collapsed on us.

- Now we need to find a new hot spring.
- [all chattering]

[Tsuru] I don't know how
I'm going to handle this one!

The boys sure were reckless.

What kind of trouble
did you knuckleheads cause this time?

[man 3] It's a secret, Ma.

[man 4] Tsuru, if any of the Kito Family
get nabbed, it's your head.

Hey, Jin. Where'd you disappear to?

Oh, uh, I was with a friend.

- You better not be lyin' to me, boy.
- [tense music playing]

If there's one thing
I freakin' hate, it's a liar.

- I'm not!
- Who's this guy?

Uh… Oh, he's the friend I was with.
I brought him over to hang out.

Hmm.

If you're Jin's friend,
what's his favorite soccer team?

Huh?

That's something a friend should know.

- Uh, sports ain't his thing...
- Put a sock in it, Jin.

Well, friend? Do you guys go way back,
or did you just meet?

'Cause if you ain't his friend
like he says you are,

how come he brought you, a stranger,
here to this house?

So, what's his favorite team?

Z… Zaint-Germain.

[shuddering]

[whimpering]

- Well, well!
- [gasps]

You do know!

Guess that proves
you're his friend all right!

[whispers] How did you…

- [Okarun whimpers]
- Oh.

Nice one, Okarun!

- [mother] Hey, Jin.
- Uh…

What happened
to that girl you brought over?

She comin' back soon or what?

Uh… uh, what do you mean, girl?

[laughs] There wasn't a girl here.

[man 1] No lies, Jin.
If there was, you better 'fess up.

But I mean it. There wasn't any girl...

We gave you a chance,
and you screwed yourself good.

You just went and lied to us, boy.

Uh… huh?

- Well, this is it. The tsuchinoko shrine
- [crow cawing]

But, like, what's his deal?

Can I help you with anything?

Oh, um…

I was lookin' for the tsuchinoko shrine?

[sighs] Yeah, you found it.

Sorry, I was just sh**ting a clip.

Tryin' to be a BooTuber.

Come on in. Check it out.

- [grunting]
- [Momo] Wait, you're just gonna show me?

Isn't it supposed to be
a super precious relic?

[man grunts]

Not even. It's not like
I make money off it.

I wish I was a BooTuber.

[thinks] Oh! I get to see a tsuchinoko!

[gasps] I'm gonna come back
later with Okarun.

[balloon deflating]

[splutters]

This totally looks… like nothing.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

SHRINE OF THE GIANT SNAKE

[man] The few documents
the shrine still has say

a dragon rising to heaven will
cast a rainbow,

and the wrath of the mountain
will engulf the village.

See, folks here used
to worship a giant snake.

They believed
it lived deep in the volcano,

and when the snake got hungry,
it caused eruptions.

It figures the villagers
didn't want the snake to get hungry,

so what they did was

they offered one of their children
as a sacrifice.

200 years after the last sacrifice,

the volcano hasn't even erupted once.

The village was also
blessed with the hot springs.

They say that's the skin the Giant Snake
left behind when it molted.

These days, people pray to it,

and that seems to be enough to keep
the volcano from popping off again.

[Momo] Where's the tsuchinoko?

There isn't one. My dad called it that

'cause he thought
it'd attract more tourists.

Son of a…

He wasn't wrong. We get folks like you
visiting all the time to check it out.

He didn't come up with
the legend of the Giant Snake. People did.

People who couldn't think straight
'cause they were afraid,

people whose fear made them
do things like sacrifice kids.

I'm here to tell the story
and keep folks from going back

to the old ways of doin' things.

- The bad ways.
- [Momo] Hmm.

[man] But I'd rather be uploading
my headstands on BooTube.

[Momo] It'd be cooler
if you uploaded your story.

[gasps]

[Momo] There is no tsuchinoko after all.

[sighs] Okarun's gonna be so bummed.

The legend about the snake is
pretty neat, though.

Maybe he'll dig that.

All righty.

I hope those two have been
getting along and having fun.

[ominous music playing]

I'm home! You see any ghosts?

- Or monster…
- [door creaks]

[door closes]

[gasps]

And with you, little lady, we have all
our offerings lined up and ready to go.

Let the festival begin.

[cackles]

- [dynamic music playing]
- [both grunting]

- [gasps]
- [yelps]

[groans]

[Momo screams]

[giggles] Boobies!

[yells]

- [Momo yells]
- [man groans]

[Momo yelps]

[man roars]

[strains]

[shrieks]

- [yells]
- [man squeals]

[Momo growls]

[both grunting]

[giggling]

- [growls]
- [Momo gasps]

- [man giggles]
- [Momo] Crap. Getting… dizzy…

There, there, now. Don't be scared.

Be a good girl. [giggles]

- [yells] Ya damn perv!
- [man wails]

- Ow!
- [Momo coughing]

[man whimpers]

Serves ya right
for squishin' me like that.

Disturb my catnap
and you'll pay with your life.

Thanks for the save, Turbo Granny!

I'm gonna need your help
with the rest of these creeps.

I ain't doin' jack, ya poophead.

[Momo] Huh.

[Turbo Granny] Uh-oh.
Who are them b*tches?

[Momo] How the hell should I know?

[gasps]

Easy now, young lady.

[Momo] Stay away from me!

I'm warning you. Get outta here!

- Or else!
- [giggles]

[man 3 chuckles]

- Hah! Yah!
- [Momo gasps]

[glass smashing]

[Momo grunts]

Hah! Ah! Yah!

[groaning]

[mother] Raar!

[gasps]

[panting]

Yah! Raar!

- Yah!
- Ow! Damn it!

Yah!

[yelps] Is she for real?

[both yell]

[mother grunting]

Jennifer!

Lopez!

- Ana…con…da!
- [gong rings]

[Momo shrieks]

[groaning]

[mother] Yeah.

Way to go, Ma!
You're the toughest lady in the family!

Who in blazes is that girl?

She's usin' some kind of weirdo power
I never seen anyone use before.

- Huh?
- What's the deal with this old bag?

- She's just another tough old lady.
- No old lady's that tough.

- You forget about your grandma?
- Yeah. Good point.

You seeing this, Ma?
Things are levitatin'!

And she's got a talkin' cat!

- What's with this dank-a*s creepy room?
- [buzzing]

Ugh!

I don't know who the hell you are.

You don't look like
any spirit medium I've seen.

But, since you're muckin' up
our plans to have our festival,

the only thing I can figure

is that you must have come here
to destroy the village.

For generations now, the Kito Family's
protected this here land.

- We ain't gonna let you ruin things now.
- [Turbo Granny] Huh?

- [buzzing continues]
- Huh?

You jackasses barge in here,
trash the place

and think you got a right
to push people around?

Get the hell out!

Whoa, whoa!

The reason folks can come here and have
a nice safe soak in the hot springs

is all thanks to us.

'Cause for the past 200 years,

the Kito Family's been making
offerings to the Great Serpent.

That's why the volcano's been
quiet all this time,

and why we've been blessed
by the Great Serpent with our hot springs.

If us Kitos didn't sacrifice folks
on the regular,

all this land would be sittin'
under a river of magma!

Hang on a sec.
You really sacrifice people?

That's what I said, girly.

[eerie music playing]

[mother] The spot we're standing on
is where the original altar was.

And where folks got sacrificed.

Over the years, lots of different houses
were built on this spot.

Each one of 'em was the altar.

And it's been our duty, our sacred duty,

to invite people
to come live in the house.

Then we turn around and serve 'em up
to the Great Serpent as sacrifices.

[gasps]

Holy crap.
That's what happened to Jiji's folks.

We were short on offerings.

But lucky for us, you showed up in time
to join your friends for dinner.

- [rumbling]
- [gasps]

[whimpers]

[mother] And away you go.
The Great Serpent is awfully hungry.

[Momo panting]

- You've gotta be freakin' kidding me!
- [rumbling]

This is bad!
The floor turned to quicksand!

[Turbo Granny] Bring it on, Snake!

Hang on! I'm gonna pull us outta here!

[grunting]

[shrieks]

I ain't your snack!

[gasps]

[all grunting]

[groaning]

[mother] We're not letting you
cross this threshold.

That quicksand's gonna suck you down

and you're gonna be a sacrifice
to the Great Serpent!

I don't wanna be snake food.
Get us outta here!

[Turbo Granny] Hmm.

- [grunting]
- Huh?

[men yelling]

[both grunt]

[mother] Help! We're in the quicksand!

- [man 1] I don't wanna be a sacrifice!
- Hurry! Grab my hand!

- Come on, reach!
- [Jiji] I could use your power now, Momo!

Way to go, you guys! You saved us!

[grunting]

[gasps]

[all screaming]

[tense music playing]

[all groaning]

[Momo] Ow!

Are you okay, Okarun?

I'm alive.

- Oh…
- [Okarun groans]

[Momo gasps]

Uh… Oh, come on!

How the hell are we gonna get outta here?

- [voices murmuring]
- [both] Huh?

[Momo gasps] Okay, this is insane!

[Okarun] There are so many houses!

- [Jiji] Momo! Okarun! Help me!
- [both gasp]

[Momo] Jiji! Where are you?

[gasping]

- Ah…
- [Jiji] Over here!

- [Momo] Jiji!
- [Jiji groaning]

- Help!
- Hang on! I got ya!

Oh! [screams]

- [thump]
- [groans]

- [grunting]
- [surface squeaking]

[eerie music playing]

Huh?

- [rumbling]
- [shrieks]

[chittering]

[both gasping]

[crunching and chittering]

[humming]

[both gasping]

[wistful music playing]

[all grunting]

[humming continues]

Oh, Great Serpent Lord! At last,
you've blessed us with your arrival!

We are the Kito Family,
your emissaries in the land of the humans!

Get the pose right, or you'll get ate!

- Are you seein' this?
- It's my first time.

[mother] Our offerings
are those three kids over there!

Eh, to be clear,
they are not members of the Kito Family!

Great Serpent? Like the one in the legend?

Except that ain't no legend.

That is a kuragari.

Huh? What'd you just call it?

You know what it is?

Oh, it's a Mongolian Death Worm!

PO
CHALLENGING THE WORLD'S MYSTERIES

[Okarun] It's a giant man-eating earthworm
cryptid that lives in the Gobi Desert!

But all the articles
I've read about it say

it's only supposed
to be 1.5 to 2 meters long.

No one's ever reported
seeing one this big before!

[Momo] So for the past 200 years,

these jerks have been feeding people

to a giant freakin' earthworm?

Oh, Great Serpent Lord,
we hope you enjoy dining on those three!

♪ Get up! Get on up… ♪

Hold it! Your chantin'
ain't doin' nothin'.

That thing you think
you're worshiping ain't no god at all!

- It's just a giant man-eating earthworm!
- [all] We appease,

We appease. We appease, we appease.

We appease, we appease.

- We appease, we appease.
- [rumbling]

[all] It ate 'em up!

[Jiji] What are we gonna do?
We sure as hell can't fight that thing!

[Momo] We are so screwed!

For now, let's hide in this house!

[Jiji] Don't need
to tell me twice. [grunts]

[grunting]

[Okarun shrieks]

- Ow!
- [Jiji] Get in. Hurry!

Don't let it see you…

[gasps]

- [both groaning]
- [Jiji gasps]

[eerie music playing]

Yo, you guys! What's wrong with you?

[whimpering]

- [cracking]
- [groaning]

- [Jiji yelps]
- [hissing]

- [humming]
- [roaring]

DAN DA DAN

[lively song in Japanese playing]

THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH NAMES OF PEOPLE

[INCLUDING THE ACTOR KEN TAKAKURA]
AND ORGANIZATIONS.

[mother] Are you ready?

[man] Right!

[mother] It's the legend
of the Great Serpent!

Naki Kito gets the job done right!

What was born of an evil contract
has a name.

Next time, "The Evil Eye."