02x13 - Across the Flutiverse

[bunniefuu]

- I'm telling you something's off.
- Everything is fine, dude.

I know. That's the problem.

We're two weak, whiny guys

walking through a deserted,
foggy park at night.

We should have been hacked
into pieces by now.

Starting to think that maybe,

maybe we're just
not murdererable.

Hey! Don't you say that, man.

Any psychopath would be
lucky to have you

eating out of a bucket
in his dungeon well.

- You mean that?
- Hell, yeah.

We're not the problem.
This town's gone soft, dude,

If this was 10 years ago,
our bodies would have

already been carved into orange
wedges and served to a soccer team,

but no, everybody's got to be
so damn woke these days.

You're right. Thanks, man.

I'm gonna head home.
Wish me bad luck!

Yep. Nothing weird ever
happens here anymore.

[Slice]

[Energy humming]

Oof!

[Theme music]

[Glass breaks]

DILQUEZ: Well, there he is,
my number one k*ller finder guy.

Ha ha! So...

what the hell is that?

MARVIN: Well, it appears that the...
sky's fly is down.

Damn it, Flute!
The election is days away,

and I'm losing to the Goose!

I can't go back to being
a Tinder swindler.

I forgot my password,
so figure this out.

Now I must go.
I see some undecided voters.

Hello, children.
Would you please fart?

Fart, poopy, fart.
Vote for me. Fart!

I know Grimsburg's voting
age is 18 and under,

but I trust him.
Now to crack this case.

- MARTINEZ: Flute!
- MARVIN: Ugh.

This m*rder is all your fault.

- What? I wasn't even here.
- Not this m*rder.

The one last night
at the Civil Servant Olympics.

You didn't show up,
so I got stuck

with Wynona in the escape room,
and then we got m*rder*d

by the fire department,
the garbage people,

and the librarians!

Librarians, Flute!
[Car horn honks]

[Chuckling]

Don't believe her, Flute.

She's the one who wouldn't
listen to me

and kept insisting
the key was in the lock.

- How could a key be inside a lock?
- That's why it's a puzzle!

Crime mind, take me away.

- GREG: Flute!
- MARVIN: Err.

- Have you figured it out?
- I'm trying to solve the case,

but everyone keeps
interrupting me.

No, silly.
Have you figured out

what duet we're singing tonight
at karaoke?

Happy to Dolly it up with you

- for "Islands in the Str..."
- Stop talking to me!

[Air escapes]

Doesn't anyone
value crime anymore?

KANG: I do,
and this is one of the most

upsetting crimes I've ever witnessed.

- That's the office group thread.
- Exactly,

and you haven't responded
to the meme I posted.

It's hilarious.

- Uh, I don't get it.
- Really?

He has no head,
and somebody's asking

- if he's got milk.
- GREG: Hee hee hee! It's hilarious.

Unh!

That's it!
I can't do this anymore.

- WYNONA: This?
- MARVIN: This!

Mediating work problems,
karaoke night,

knowing your names.

Just because we work
together doesn't mean

we have to like each other.
I'm a lone wolf.

I should be
out howling at the moon or...

well, that's all I really
know about Lone Wolves,

which makes sense because
they're alone, so nobody is around

to report back on their most
identifiable characteristics.

I want to go back
to how I used to be.

I need some me time.

- GREG: Can I go with?
- MARVIN: Sure.

We can grab a bite...
No! Leave me alone!

MARTINEZ: Take notes, Wynona.
That is how you escape a room.

Summers, do you mind
reaching into the void

- and grabbing my phone?
- Sure thing.

Ohh! Ohh! Unh!

[All grunting]

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

[Music plays]

So after all that, we're just
in Harmony's living room?

[Audience laughing]

MARTINEZ: Who laughed?

Uh, guys, aren't the stairs usually
on the other side of the house?

MARVIN: Harm, have you seen
my fancy undies?

[Audience laughing]

Or the people I work with,

who are here early
for our big dinner?

[Audience laughing, cheering]

SINGER: ♪ I've got a jar
of pickled onions ♪

♪ Yum, yum ♪

ANNOUNCER: "Flute"
was recorded in front

of a live studio audience.

GREG: Oh, my God.
From my years

of having the TV
as my best/only friend.

it seems like we're in a sitcom
version of our universe.

We've fallen into
the multicamverse.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Well, let's get out of here
before this sitcom

becomes a stay calm.
[Audience laughing]

MARTINEZ: I don't want a repeat
of the escape room.

If we want to go home,
then we just go

back the way we came.
Easy...

peasy?
[Audience laughing]

KANG: Well, it looks like we've
graduated from an escape room

to an escape universe.
[Audience laughing]

WOMAN: You think that
fake mustache fools me?

- Unh!
- Agh!

MAN: You think changing clothes
would make me

- forget what you said?
- Ohh!

WOMAN 2:
You think comedy comes in 3s?

Aah!

- Sorry about ruining your reputation around here.
- What the...?

You look just like me.

I mean, if I ditched
the mustache, had a jawline,

and played in the Premier League,

but other than... that,
everything of yours

is exactly like mine,
not any bigger.

[Zip]
[Chuckles]

- Thought we might find you here.
- We?

[Toilets flush]
[Heroic music]

You're all me!

Oh, my God. We're
in a multiverse episode?

Did someone say multiverse?

That's my cue
to conveniently appear

and hastily explain
the rules crafted to make

all the plot holes work.
How much time do I have?

MARVIN: Uh, like, 10 seconds.

- This is a half-hour cartoon.
- What?!

You need at least 2.5 hours
so I can waste

- that extra half-hour to illustrate...
- MARVIN: And time's up.

MARVIN: Wait. So we're all
versions of each other

from different dimensions?

No. You're all lesser
versions of me.

I'm Martin Flute, a childless
bachelor whose incredible detective

skills are only outshined by my
even more incredible... looks.

Oh!
Whoa!

My name is F,
not that it matters.

Nothing does.
Life is a temp job,

and death is the paycheck.

I'm Fluteman!

I was an average,
ordinary detective

until I was bitten
by a radioactive alcoholic,

giving me a host of superpowers

merely by ingesting booze.

[Gulps]
I feel nothing.

- I'll get another round.
- Huh?

- Marvin, and you are?
- Marvina.

I love what you've done
with my hair.

MARVINA: Heh heh.

OK, if you two are done
eye-humping your reflection,

meet our fifth Flute.

[Plays note]

Ha!
This Flute is an actual flute.

[Trilling]

MARTIN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Buddy, relax.

Those kind of comments don't fly
in this universe or any.

[Plays long note]

You're like a supergroup of MEs.

What are wes all doing here?

MARTIN: We're the Multi-Flutes,
an elite squad

of detectives enlisted
from across the universes

to fight multiverse-related crimes.

And you've come here
to recruit me?

[Flute plays]

We're good, but as the local
Flute, we could use some help

navigating your world to figure
out who opened the rift and why.

Oh, sure. Totally.
I'm already on that case anyway.

I would have solved
it this morning,

but my stupid coworkers
were so up in my...

Your personal problems
don't matter to us.

Yes! That's exactly what
I was trying to

- explain to the...
- Still doing it.

Right. Stopping now.

[Cheerful music playing]

GREG: Look. I've been thinking
about how to get out of here.

Since sitcoms are designed
to go for years and years,

at the end of each episode,
nothing can really change.

The protagonist gets
what he wants,

learns a tiny lesson,
but then everything resets

back to the way it was in the
beginning for the next episode.

Well, thanks for explaining
how TV works, Roger Ebot.

[Audience laughing]

How does that help us, Summers?

If you'd listen to
anyone other than yourself,

you'd realize it's a brilliant idea.

All we got to do is give this Flute
what he wants at the end.

Then we'll go back to where
we were at the beginning, home.

And you think you could
give a man what he wants?

Ha! If you could,
you wouldn't still be paying

for Tinder Platinum!
You're not allowed to help.

Just because you're my boss
doesn't mean you

- can tell me what to do.
- That's the definition of a boss!

Work fam, I'd like to introduce
you all to my lovely wife Harmony.

Flute's told me all about you in
between bites. [Audience laughing]

- I'm Flute, and you are?
- You don't know me?

I guess that's not
all that different.

KANG: This is my cousin
Cousin Summers.

What a coincidence.
My cousin is visiting me, too.

Hello, Cousin Summers!
[Cheering and applause]

In home country of Morvenia,
when we meet someone,

it is tradition to give
them handshake.

Ha la la la la la la
la la la la la la! [Audience laughing]

Harm, meet Kang, Martinez,
and of course Wynona, my boss.

- She's the boss?
- I'm the boss?

Who's the boss? Hey, oh!
Whoa, oh!

[Audience laughing and cheering]

[Devices beeping]

Beep beep beep beep beep
boop boop boop boop boop.

[Cell phone vibrates]

Hello? No, Otis.

I have no idea
where everyone is.

Just grab some Gogurts,
and I'm sure they'll show up.

Coworkers, right?
We don't have those anymore.

We're lone wolves.

- We work alone... together.
- So cool.

[Kids screaming]

My super senses are being impacted
by their high-pitched screams.

And not the 10 tequilas
you pounded?

But there are a lot of
unattended children around here.

MARTIN: Those kids are showing
high traces

of galactic radiation, which
means they came through that rift.

Group crime mind on 3.

Whoa, whoa, wait.
You do a group crime mind?

ALL: ♪ Why, why, why ♪

MARTIN: ♪ Is it spitting
out adolescents? ♪

♪ Can a cosmic rift get pregnant? ♪

♪ I hate to be this guy
But I'm not feeling well ♪

♪ So can we end
this spinning segment? ♪

[Vomiting]

MARVIN: I-I can fill in.

MARTIN AND MARVINA:
♪ Why would you need so many kids? ♪

♪ A MrBeast popup or TikTok vids? ♪

Uh, wait, wait, wait.
Does it go point, slide,

elbow pump, Frankenstein hands,
or am I missing a slide?

How about a tush slap?
Should we take a vote?

- MARTIN: We're not voting.
- Wait, wait, wait! That's it.

Here in Grimsburg, we're
in the middle of an election,

and kids are the voters.

♪ But who needs votes ♪

♪ And knew just how to
put those rifts to use? ♪

♪ It must have been the Goose ♪

[Fluteman gags, vomits]

While I find positive
feedback to be humanity's

futile attempt
to fight off irrelevance,

- you did OK.
- MARVIN: I'll take it.

So even out here,
slapping butts is a no?

Not with me. Ruff!

[Cheerful music playing]

Everything is going perfect.

If I get this promotion, all
our problems will be solved.

Do they think we can't hear them?
[Audience laughing]

I'm pretty sure
the astronauts could hear them.

[Scattered laughter]

Uh, OK. Well, at least now
we know he wants a promotion,

so let's just give it
to him and go home.

I'm the boss now,
so I make boss decisions.

- You can't tell me what to do.
- That's the definition of a boss.

Oh, where have I heard that before?

- Oh, come on! That's gold!
- HARMONY: I made a cake

is all I have to say.

MARVIN: You know, Chief,
I wanted to ask you.

WYNONA: Tut, tut.
Hold that thought.

Martinez,
I would like some cake,

so cut your boss a big slice,
employee.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

One big piece coming up.

[Audience laughing]

[Cheering and applause]

We have many robot in Morvenia.

[Doorbell rings]

Do you know sex robot that
shaloobs your peppadoochee?

[Audience laughing]

[Gasping]

Hello, cutie.
We're here for dinner.

GREG: Ohh!
[Audience laughing]

Did you say, "cutie"?

[Audience laughing]

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

This just got twice as interesting.

[Audience laughing]

And this Kang is... dang.

Oh, God.

Detective Flute.
how can I help you?

You can start by admitting
you opened that rift

to traffic kids from other
dimensions to vote for you.

GOOSE: What? These are just
unregistered child voters

from the neighborhood.

Come on.
That kid clearly comes

from a universe where it's
totally normal

for kids to get butt implants.

Errrr!

[Squawking]

[Kids screaming]

[Goose honking]

[Flute trills]

Exactly. You're under arrest
for voter fraud,

intergalactic kidnapping, and
bisecting a man along the y-axis.

I forgot he could do that.

[g*nsh*t in slow-mo]

You're not a lying alcoholic.

You do have superpow... oh, no.
He's really bleeding bad.

MARVINA: Whack!

And that's how I play
Flute, Flute, Goose.

MARVINA: Mmm.
I want to get you pregnant.

[Moaning]

- Do we think this is OK?
- Don't know. Don't care.

Let's party.

[Sipping]

[Camera shutter clicking]

This is how you celebrate?

That way we each get
to do what we want.

Speaking of, I'm gonna run
to the little girls room

real quick to take a massive dump.

Meet me in there when I'm done?

Maybe I meet you before.
No. After's better

so I'm not thinking about it piled up
inside you the whole time.

Honestly, both
options have drawbacks.

[Glass shatters]

Let me get another
Irish Long Island

iced margarita rum and Coke,
extra rum, hold the coke.

Hey. Uh, I think Fluteman
got hurt trying to save me.

Maybe we should help him.

Why would I care about
a coworker's problem?

[Thud]

[Pounding on window]

- OTIS: Hey!
- MARVIN: Exactly.

Excuse me for a sec.
I'm gonna go, uh... beat up this kid.

Something's wrong!
Even the work thread is dead.

- I'm sure they're on a case.
- That's what I thought,

but then I opened
the Find My Coworkers app,

and I saw this.

They're in the multicamverse?
Clever.

Hey, uh, listen.
I sort of have a problem

- that I might need...
- We wanted to give you this.

This is everything I've ever wanted

since I found out about you guys
earlier today.

- What changed your mind?
- You did great out there,

and Fluteman bled out.

- He died?
- Yes, or he's about to.

Either way, we don't care
enough to deal with it,

so you're in.
Now what's your problem?

My problem is my coworkers,
but not anymore

because I'm coming to the multiverse.

[Whoosh]

Did someone say multiverse?

Because I got my speech
down to two minutes.

Now, I must warn you that...
come on!

[Cheering]

Hey. Got your text.
What do you mean

you "want to say goodbye forever"?

Sorry, Stan, but I'm leaving
this universe forever with them.

Uh, Stan, Multi-Flutes.
Multi-Flutes, Stan.

Versions of me from different
dimensions obviously.

STAN: You're all my dad?
I have so many questions!

MARTIN: Ooh! I have
a lip waxing session.

- I've got... lady stuff.
- I have... Pilates.

[Flute playing]

Yes! My gamble paid off.

It's a constant
across every universe.

You repelled them just
like I knew you would

by being yourself.

- You wanted them to leave?
- Sort of.

I need to go save my stupid
old coworkers

without my new cool ones
finding out that I care

so that I can then abandon
my old ones,

who I don't care about,
for the new coworkers, who I do.

Uh, it kind of sounds like
you do care about the old ones.

Wow. You really can't stop
being you, can you?

Hyah!

I wonder what I'm like
in the multiverse.

You think I have
skin or more bones or boobs?

[Cheerful music playing]

So you are versions of my coworkers

from another dimension,
which means

you can't help me get my promotion.

- Ugh.
- Uh-oh.

Looks like you've sent him into his
recline mind. [Audience laughing]

You thought I'd give you a promotion?
Who'd give out parking tickets?

You're not Grimsburg's
greatest detective here?

More like Grimsburg
greatest meter maid.

- Let's roll, dummies.
- AUDIENCE: Aww.

You guys, Flute didn't get his
promotion, so the episode can't end,

- which means we're stuck here forever!
- This is all my fault.

Being a girlboss is way harder
than Marjorie Taylor Greene

- doesn't make it seem.
- No, it's my fault.

I was so focused on the laugh,
I didn't realize

I had become the joke.
[Audience laughing]

Oh, stop it!
[Laughter]

OK. That wasn't even a joke!
[Audience laughing louder]

What is wrong with you people?
[Laughter]

Maybe Flute was right.

Just because we work
together doesn't mean

we have to be friends,
but I'm glad we are.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

GREG: I can't believe it's all over,

which on these shows is
usually when something happens

that makes everything OK.

[Cheering and applause]

Somebody order
a chubby male protagonist

with extra cheese?
[Audience laughing]

- Oh! Thank God you're here!
- Get off me!

Let's get you guys out of here.
Nothing can stop us now.

No. Don't ever say
that in a sitcom, or...

ALL: Hello.

Look. I can explain.

Fortunately, we're so vain
that the only thing

we hate more than being lied to
is being rejected,

so make a choice.

Come with us
or stay stuck here with them.

[Sentimental music playing]

Well, then I guess I've
got a decision to make.

Wait. Where are you going?
Just make the decision here!

MARVIN: Too late.
The music started.

- I thought I'd find you out here.
- Oh, um. No, thanks.

It's the only way I can give advice.

[Marvin grumbling]

I don't know who to go with.

I can stay with my coworkers,

who constantly annoy me,
and be stuck here,

or I can have endless me time
with people just like me

and travel the galaxy.

That's a tough choice
you got there, bucko,

and I've got some tough ones, too.

My coworkers don't think
I can be a detective,

- and I feel...
- Ahem. This is kind of my moment.

Oh, right. Well, I'd say
at least the people you work

with consider you a friend,

and in life friends,
friends are the real portals

- to worlds we've never seen before.
- Wow. That's beautiful.

I know exactly what to do.
Thanks, me.

- MARVIN: I'm coming with you!
- GREG: What?!

Let's go. We have to shut down
the rift Louis C.K. just opened.

Oh, is he using it to go
back and save his career?

No, he's using it like
an intergalactic zipper.

MARVIN: Whee!

GREG: Should have known Flute
didn't actually want to be with us.

MARVIN: Well, that one didn't, but I do.

It's me. Regular Flute.
Earth Flute. Whatever.

We switched ties so they'd
take him and leave me with you

- and with this.
- So sitcom Flute did get his promotion,

and you stayed with us, but why?

While I may be a lone wolf,
I don't want to be an alone wolf.

AUDIENCE: Aww.
[Applause]

What do I do?
The show's called "Flute."

Do what you want.
It's your show now.

Hyaaah!

My show?
"Harmony," the story of a single mom,

who was raised by bears,

trying to forge her path in a new wild,

the male-dominated
journalism industry.

MAN: Heh. Sorry.
Nobody's gonna watch that.

- Get back on your mark in the kitchen.
- Honey... I'm druuuuunk!

[Cheering and applause]

GREG: Come on.
Our song's up.

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ Went to Sitcom World
and back again ♪

♪ Your name is Flute, you're a pal
And you owe me rent ♪

♪ The boss threw this party ♪

♪ And I invited everyone I knew ♪

I only know work people.

♪ You'll soon wish you hadn't
made this an open bar ♪

♪ When I drunkenly yell at you ♪

ALL: ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

[Screaming]

MARVIN: What the hell is wrong
with this place? Why have this?!