03x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

[WHISPERS] Be the arrow. Be the arrow.

- Be the arrow. Be the arrow.
- [DOOR OPENS]

Chloe!

[CHATTER]

- [GASPS]
- Oh!

Sorry.

Future gold-medallist over here.

- Careful!
- Possibly bronze.

Sophie! You made me miss my shot!

Listen, you need to do something
about Hannibal. He reeks.

You reek like a butthole!

- Chloe!
- I'm serious.

It's worse than normal.

Nice shot, sweetie.

[ALL GROAN]

See what I mean?

Yeah, it's gone up a notch.

Don't worry, I'll give him a
bubble bath as soon as he wakes up.

He's been having a very long nap.

Um, Chloe, how long
has Hannibal been taking

this particular long nap for?

- Three days?
- Three days?!

Hannibal!

Wake up, sleepyhead!

Go on.

Will he wake up?

- Go, Greg.
- No.

- You do it.
- No.

- Get over there.
- Oh. [SIGHS]

Chloe, sweetheart...

Hannibal is dead.

Tired.

He's dead tired. He's one tired turtle.

- No. Chloe.
- Oh.

Hannibal is dead.

Now, sweetheart, everyone dies.

- That's...
- Who wants ice-cream?

Don't let it melt, Chlo.

Or, maybe you just need a quiet
moment to think about things?

It's just...

I'm never going to see
Hannibal ever again.

Of course you'll see Hannibal again.

In heaven.

- BOTH: Heaven?
- Yes.

Heaven is this awesome
place we all go when we die,

and the best part is you get to see

all your favourite people from Earth,

and they have unlimited ice-cream.

But Hannibal isn't people.
So, where does he go?

- Well...
- Turtle heaven.

Made only for turtles.

And it's turtley awesome.

But if it's made only for turtles,
then how can I go there and see him?

You can get a visa, um, like a day pass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, a day pass.

Greg, just...

Like the time we went to Movie
World for Sophie's birthday?

Exactly! Exactly right.

But the thing about turtle
heaven, it's way better,

and that's where Hannibal
is right now, sweetie.

And he's probably
having a great big swim,

and humping one of Mum's
Mother's Day slippers.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, that was
funny when he did that.

It was, wasn't it?

Hey, let's watch the video again.

No. It's funny.

Hey, sweetheart, instead of focusing
on Hannibal in turtle heaven,

why don't we try
focusing on saying goodbye

to Hannibal here on planet Earth?

We could have a funeral
service this afternoon...

- Do you know what that is?
- Uh-uh.

Well.

It's like a... a big party,

where everybody who loved Hannibal
comes together to say goodbye.

But not goodbye for long.

Check this video out. Look at him go.

- Whoa.
- [TURTLE SQUEAKS]

You should never wear
that slipper again.

So, Hannibal is in the freezer,

where he should remain nice
and fresh for his burial.

Great!

Oh, maybe you could
take it one step further

and have him cryogenically frozen

so you will never have
to say that he died.

Oh. Em.

Hey, we all miss Hannibal, yeah?

The way he used to move
slowly around the house,

unless he was humping
your slipper, of course,

then he really... he really
found a second gear, didn't he?

Oh, Greg, this is not
about Hannibal being gone.

This is about whatever that
display was from you to Chloe.

Um, Em, this is obviously a stage
of grief you are going through,

and that's... that is OK.

This stage of grief appears to be
where you are weirdly unimpressed

with your husband's efforts to
stop our daughter from crying.

But there's nothing wrong with
crying in a situation like this.

Did you never have a pet die?

No.

All of my pets ran away to the
farm in the middle of the night.

I got lucky.

Oh, my gosh, you have
never been able to deal with

death and we have never
been able to talk about it.

I'm sorry I like to
focus more on life, Em.

I didn't realise you were
so fascinated with death,

I'm starting to think 'Em'
may be short for 'Emo'.

Emo-Em.

[SCOFFS]

You know, if I died tomorrow...

That's literally never going to happen.

No, but hypothetically, if I
got hit by a bus and I died...

I've seen you cross the road
and you're very good at it.

IF I died, what kind
of funeral would I want?

- A nice one.
- Yeah.

Let me know when you figure it out.

And that's if you can
bring yourself to go there.

Just don't die tomorrow!

It's a win-win!

Hey, Chlo.

You know, I'm sorry that
I said that Hannibal stunk.

It's OK. I guess turtles
stink when they die.

I think we all do.

Hey, Soph, do you believe in heaven?

Um, you know, I'm not really sure.

'Cause, if there is a heaven,
then there's probably hell,

and hell sounds pretty yuck.

What's hell?

It's a place we go after you
die if you're a bad person.

Like a m*rder*r?

Yeah, or that girl on the bus
who puts her feet on the seats.

You know, either way, they're
probably not real, Chloe.

Can't anyone tell me where
Hannibal's really gone?

[SIGHS] Your wedding dress.

I'm sorry?

You want to be buried
in your wedding dress.

You want everyone be
wearing a splash of red

and you want Billy Joel's The Piano
Man playing at the church service.

Wow.

That's... not even close!

Wrong Billy Joel song? Um...

We Didn't Start The Fire.

That's closer.

Not Uptown Girl? I mean,
that's more Christie Brinkley,

so, it would be a bit weird.

Oh, Greg, I want to be cremated.

[LAUGHS] Cremated?! What
do you mean, cremated?

Well, I mean, I don't
care who starts the fire,

so long as they do, and I'm in it.

But, Em, we are going
to be buried together.

That's always been the plan.

What plan?

Why would you even think that?

Because who would want to
go up in flames like that?

What a horrible experience.

Oh, yeah, like I would
rather be stuck in a box

with little worms eating at my flesh.

That... that sounds really lovely.

OK, Em, you can't be the only
Butler not buried in the family plot.

- It'd be weird.
- Come on, Greg.

It's just, it's not
a big deal to me, OK?

Em, I can't believe you're saying this.

We're Catholics, for God sake.

Are we? [LAUGHS]

That's funny! Ha-ha-ha.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

I came as soon I could.

Oh, I had to leave a Zoom call with
Peter Fitzsimmons, he's in a tiz.

Running out of Australian
history to write about.

Have you ever seen a six foot
eight man in a red bandanna weeping?

It is unbecoming!

Audrey, can you tell me
where Hannibal's gone?

That depends.

Where do you keep your glasses?

I'm so sorry, Chloe.

I didn't really get to know Hannibal,

on account of him being a turtle
and me being a grown woman,

but I can see the
fondness you had for him.

And the worst part is, nobody can
tell me what happens to Hannibal now.

Is he in turtle heaven or turtle hell?

Or turtle purgatory.

When it comes to the
afterlife, it's hard to know.

But different religions
have different ideas.

- So, not everyone believes in heaven?
- Oh, no.

The Hindus and Buddhists
believe in reincarnation.

That's where you come
back after you die.

So, I could see Hannibal again?

Yes, but he wouldn't be
Hannibal as you know him,

he could be a plant or
a bear or Rutger Hauer.

Or a shark?

Why not?

Then there's Judaism,
which believes the Messiah

will arrive and we'll
rise again at once.

- Like a big party?
- With an open bar, I hope.

Further back, you have the Ancient
Egyptians, who were all about

ripping out your heart and weighing it

while a dog-headed God judges you.

Or was that last New Year's
Eve on Zoe Foster Blake's yacht?

Ha!

Greg, I'm sorry I laughed,
but, we're not proper Catholics.

I don't know why this is a surprise,
Em, we got married in the church,

our kids are baptised.

See, I thought that
those things were about

keeping our families happy and
getting the kids into good schools.

- [SIGHS]
- Oh, Greg, come on.

We are not practising Catholics.

- We blaspheme all the time.
- Yeah!

And when we do, I feel guilty
- like a good Catholic!

Then why do we only go to
church once a year at Christmas?

We didn't even go last year.

That's because there were roadworks

and it probably would have been
impossible to get a car park.

Mm.

AUDREY: The truth is, Chloe,

nobody really knows what
happens in the afterlife.

And while I'm always hesitant
to praise your mother,

she's right about one thing:

the funeral ritual is
of the utmost importance.

Why?

It's your last chance to
dazzle everyone on Earth.

I've left instructions for my own death.

A horse-drawn carriage through the
city with cherubs leading the way.

The 'cherubs' are a male underwear
models who've had wings attached.

Yes! It's going to be quite special.

I want Hannibal's service
to be very special.

How much do you know about Vikings?

Alright, alright. We may
not be MVP Catholics, Em,

but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

It's how Brad and I were raised.

I guess Brad will be
buried with us too, then?

But, will he be on top
of you or on top of me?

I guess we'll all fit if we spoon,

- and then we can throw in Terry and Marlo...
- It's not an orgy, Em.

I mean, these traditions exist
within families for a reason.

Without them, people can get lost

and then it's a slippery
slope into who knows what.

Mum, Dad!

We're going to celebrate death
by setting Hannibal on fire

and sending him out with a bang!

Oh, how I love a good bang!

- Oh.
- Bang! Boom!

Since when did medieval
re-enactments become a stage of grief?

Greg, if you're constantly going to
be referring to the stages of grief,

maybe you should learn
what they are first.

And, look, just take a look.

Everybody is working together.

You know, I'm ordering
some pizzas for lunch.

Audrey's drinking Scotch.

Mud on your eye.

Just don't you think it's weird
that we're about to send Chloe's

dead pet turtle down
a river in a fiery raft

made of Barney Banana sticks?

ALL: No.

I mean, we don't even know
if Chloe can make the shot.

I can make the shot.

You know, I actually
think it's pretty cool.

If they did still did it for humans,
that might be something I'd like.

I'm having a Viking funeral.

Nobody here is having
a funeral any time soon.

Or ever, if I have
anything to do with it.

Gee, Greg.

You really know how to
put the 'fun' into funeral.

Why is she here?

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Pizzas.

I'll get that.

- Who else did you invite, Chlo?
- No-one.

Oh, Father Michael.
Thank God you're here.

We're having a little
crisis-of-faith situation.

Oh, it's been so long.

I haven't seen you since Christmas!

The Christmas before!

Sometimes I sit down the back,
to be closer to the toilets.

Oh, of course!

Hello, Emily.

Oh, F-Father...

Michael.

Father Michael, the priest...

From our church.

What are you doing... ?

Thank you both for
inviting me for lunch.

I was just reminiscing
how, when I was growing up,

how comforting it was when
Father Julian would come over

to the house for a Sunday lunch.

Which you've never
mentioned to me, once.

Yeah, well, you know, 30 years ago,
the very thought of a house visit

for a deceased turtle
would appear ludicrous!

Ah, but, times change.

Here we are.

- Come on in, come on in, Father.
- Come in.

Sorry, where are our manners?

Oh, that is a nice red!

Perhaps, Father Michael,
you would like to say grace?

Offer a few words to
help our family heal

and perhaps guide us
through this difficult time?

No. I would not... like to say grace.

I would prefer to rap it!

Hahahaha.

Voom-vita-voom, vita-voom-voom-voom.

I have no idea what's going on.

I am Father Michael,
and I'm here to say,

blessed are the pizzas
that we're eating today,

made with love by Greg and Em,

and to them we say boom, boom, amen.

Do we have an amen?

ALL: Amen.

And they say male white
priests can't rap, eh?

Certainly can't remember
Father Julian doing that.

Well, you know, you have
to keep up with the times.

Did you know Hillsong released
three TikTak videos this week?

- Oh!
- How wonderful is that?

So, you're keeping
up with modern trends,

but keeping the
Catholic tradition alive?

Hey, Father, why doesn't the
church allow female priests?

Soph, we don't talk about
religion at the table.

Dad, he's literally a priest.

That's a good point. I have a question.

As Catholics, should we, A: be buried?

Or B: buried together?

Well, I don't know.

Each to their own, I suppose.

"Each to their own"?

Well, the Bible doesn't demand that.

And quite frankly, our
graveyard is almost full.

And you know what they say.

They're absolutely
k*lling to get into it.

Oh, no, no, no... That's,
they're dying to get in.

F... Father Michael, are you sure?

Oh, yes, it is dying to get in. Yeah.

- Father Michael...
- I think that Father Michael

- has answered your question.
- Yeah, just to clarify...

Father Michael, did you know we're
going to say goodbye to Hannibal

by sh**ting a flaming arrow into
a boat made of icy pole sticks?

Here is a question. What is
the Catholic Church's stance

- on Viking funerals?
- Dad!

May Hannibal's passage to
Valhalla be a smooth one.

Excuse me.

You have a compelling energy
about you, I'm not sure what it is.

Was it the rap?

Absolutely not. That was appalling.

How would you feel
about writing a memoir?

Um...

You know, Catholic priests
are very hot right now.

Very in. The Fleabag effect.

Well, yes, I'm quite familiar.

Our attendance has spiked
after the second season,

but then, eh, it fell away.

You may read from the Good Book, Father,

but maybe it's time
you wrote a GREAT one!

Oh.

[SIGHS] What are you doing?

I just needed some time to think.

What, about how you invited
a random priest for lunch?

He's not... he's not random, Em.

He's our priest.

Not a very helpful one, though.

I mean, when the Bible does
it say, "Each to their own"?

Not in Corinthians, or
in... the other ones.

You know, Greg, instead
of thinking of yourself

as the most religious
man since You Know Who,

try thinking about how you've made

a really difficult day
for Chloe all about you.

- Em...
- [ZIPS UP TENT]

Em...

[SIGHS]

Oh, I've got enough
stories to fill a book.

Yes, that would be the aim.

The visit to the Vatican
in 1976 springs to mind.

You would never guess who I had
a one-on-one conversation with.

The Pope?

No, I didn't. Oh! Imagine, eh? No.

I randomly bumped into Marcia Hines.

Mm?

We stood there like two old friends,

just chatting away for at
least, what, two minutes?

Heh!

Oh, dear. Memories...

What to wear to a Viking funeral?

I didn't mean to make
today all about me.

I, um... I just don't know.

I-I, finding out we're not on the
same page with our family traditions

has kind of really freaked me out.

Greg, it's OK if we're not on
the same page about everything.

I know. But this is
an important page, Em.

I understand if you don't want
to watch test cricket with me

for five days, but... I get that.

I have a theory.

Do you want to hear it?

- Four day tests?
- No.

Not Marlo's one that Katy Perry
is actually JonBenet Ramsey?

That... that does not
add up on so many levels.

- No.
- No.

No, my theory is, well, that
your born-again Catholicism,

it has very little to do with
religion or family tradition

or what happens to our remains...

... and more to do with loss.

I think it's a fear of being separated

from those you love the most,
which is me and the girls.

A bit up yourself, aren't you?

[LAUGHS] Am I wrong?

No. No.

Being separated from you and
the girls for all of eternity,

that is my idea of hell.

And I wish I could talk about
this stuff the way you do.

It freaks me out too.

I just... I deal with it better by
wanting to talk about it. It's...

OK. OK.

Just don't die any time soon, yeah?

Not today, not tomorrow,
not next week, not ever.

Just don't die ever.

Just don't die.

Well, I'll do my very best.

OK. Deal.

Now... how about wearing your
suit to a turtle Viking funeral?

Oh, I think we can do better than that!

Well, Butlers, in keeping
with Viking tradition,

we have filled Hannibal's vessel
with all the things he needs

to satisfy his turtle
desires in Valhalla.

So, mainly minced meatballs
and one of Mum's slippers.

Shall we watch the video?

It was pretty funny, wasn't it?

Yeah, probably... probably not.

Let's do this, Chlo.

Just be really careful.

[AULD LANG SYNE PLAYS ON BAGPIPES]

Hannibal, nobody has been able to
tell me exactly where you're going,

but that's OK, because
you'll get to find out

what happens when we die before
we do, which is pretty cool.

I'm sad you're gone, but
you're not really gone,

because you'll always be in my heart.

That was perfect, Chlo.

Hey, sweetheart...

... are you, uh, are
you sure you can do this?

OK.

- Careful.
- I will.

Got it?

Remember, Chlo, close
enough is good enough.

Just do your best.

Be the arrow. Be the arrow.
Be the arrow. Be the arrow.

Be the arrow.

- Yes! Give the girl a gold now.
- You got it!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

No.

[AULD LANG SYNE PLAYS MOURNFULLY]

Vale, Hannibal.

ALL: Vale, Hannibal.

Did I ever tell about the famous
squash ball in the glove story?

Yep. A couple of times.

Online etiquette for men is the
topic du jour today, Greggles.

And I believe you've
had quite the run-in?

Well, I wouldn't quite
call it a run-in, Tez.

Well, these are not all of mine.

They literally have your name on them.

How did they get in? This is
supposed to be a private portal.

We've been hacked, Greg.

- Say "breathe."
- [SHUTTER CLICKS]