02x03 - T3STDRV

[bunniefuu]

[owl hooting]

[thunder crashing]

You gave so much in life.

I hope your soul's rest
is perfect and peaceful,

because your body's in for a long ride.

[spits]

If the coffin's a-rockin',
don't come a-knockin'.

[giggles]

Garret, wait a second.

Why is there no casket?

[deep voice] 'Cause there was

nothing left of his father to bury.

[whimpering] [squelching]

[yelping]

[squelches]

Come join us, brother.

[sighs]

[feminine voice] Welcome.

You'll be happy here.

[British voice]
I think I like it already.

[normal voice] Hi, pop.

♪♪

[engine revving]

[engines revving] [Quiet giggling]

[Quiet] So Dollface has
this gigantic insider guard

in a chokehold,

when all of a sudden I hear this loud...

[pops]

The guard is dead as hell,

and his eyeballs

are just dangling out of their sockets.

Dollface is like,
"guess this guy's a sailor man,

because I just made him Popeye."

- [laughing]
- Oh, that's f*cking crazy.

She has so many stories like that,

and she tells them way better than me.

You would know that
if you stopped avoiding her.

I'm not avoiding her.

I'm just not going out of my way
to interact with her.

There's a difference.

All right, if we're being honest,

she's just not my cup of tea.

You don't even know her.

If my brother was in the car behind us,

I sure as hell wouldn't
be riding with your dumb a*s.

Family isn't just being related, okay?

If I was a beaver,
I wouldn't spend all my time

hanging out with other big a*s rodents.

If a gator was cool,
and the vibe was right,

I'D kick it with him.

[Quiet] sh*t, not again.

What?

Oh, let's check it at the next stop.

- No. Pull over now.
- If something's wrong,

you should address it right away.

Pull over right here.

Go talk to your sister, as*h*le!

[tires squealing]

[chuckling]

You piss her off?

Get in.

You, out.

Someone need a ride?

I told you, we're done, And I meant it.

[sighs]

That's what I like
about the Jeremy Express.

It's all caboose.

[engine revs]

[John Doe] I love what
you've done with the interior.

Really shows pride of ownership.

Still a neat freak.

So, what was it like
being back at our old house?

Like prison, just with a lot of pizza.

Come on, nothing in there
caught your interest?

- [scoffs]
- The Baby-Sitters Club.

- [laughing]
- Oh, sh*t.

- I used to love those books.
- Word?

Yeah, yeah. Ah, I had
such a crush on Logan.

[John Doe] Okay, so I gotta know,

how did Abby join the BSC in book 89?

Abby?

Abby. Abby.

Uh, Abby, I...

I don't remember.

Well, excuse me for
not remembering a book,

Mr. "I bonked my head

and literally can't remember anything."

Well, it's not like
I'm trying not to remember.

- [Ashley] I'm dying.
- Should we make camp?

- [static crackles]
- Yeah, Ash.

We'll head for Diesel City
at first light.

Why don't you go set up
by the water tower up ahead?

John and I are going
to take a little detour.

Detour? I don't want to take a detour.

Shut up. You do. We're going.

[Quiet] Copy that.

Have fun, John.

[Jeremy] Copy that. Ashley and I

will be scouting
for food and supplies, over.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll get lucky, find me a muffin.

I told you, the bakery's closed.

Checking for bakery hours.

Finally. Ready to f*cking rock.

[Michelle Branch's "Everywhere" playing]

♪ Just tell me how I got this far ♪

♪ Just tell me why you're here
and who you are ♪

♪ 'Cause every time I look ♪

♪ You're never there ♪

♪ And every time I sleep ♪

♪ You're always there ♪

Here we go!

♪ 'Cause you're everywhere to me ♪

[Mayhem] Would you shut up?!

[screaming] [tires squealing]

[stereo cuts off]

What the hell are you doing here?

Covering my ears mostly.

- That's John singing.
- Yeah.

What are you doing in my trunk?!

You stood up for me back there.

You...

You saved me, Quiet.

[g*n c*ck] All right,

I laid it on a little thick
at the end there.

Fine. Look,

I want to enter the tournament.

[laughing]

It's not funny.

Oh, it is the way I'm picturing it.

You'd be dead two minutes in,

all flattened out, eyes crossed,

- tongue hanging out.
- That will not be me. Okay?

You're looking at the best
driver on the West Coast.

- No I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

- Think so?
- Know so.

Prove it.

[buttons clicking]

Wow, you don't have a g*dd*mn clue

what you're doing, do you?

I am just getting my bearings.

You know, my ex-husband's car
was European.

It was a lot cooler than this.

All right, just put it in gear.

[tires squeal] Oh, my God!

[screaming]

Stop, stop, stop, oh, my God.

Why did you throw it in reverse?

D is for drive, dumbass.

What... no, I put it in drive.

- D, drive.
- That's an R.

Do you not know how to read either?

- No. Of course I can read.
- You're looking at

the best reader on the West Coast.

Okay, that's it.

Get out. We're done.

- [locks click]
- Ha, got you!

Who's the dumb a*s now?

Have fun walking to Diesel City, b*tch.

Eat my diggity dust!

[tires squealing, engine clanking]

Oh, sh*t.

[coughing]

Oh, no, the dust.

Shut up!

[tires squeal]

[groans]

Faster to go by canoe.

You know what? Fine. Fine, whatever.

Just wake me up when Dollface gets back.

She'll teach me.

Is that what you think
is going to happen?

She gives zero f*ck.

I sort of gave one teeny f*ck,

but, damn, I guess I was wrong.

[locks click]

Millennium Drive-In.

Headlights, Camera, Action.

I don't even want to know
what kind of action

got blood all the way up there.

Where are you going?

We stopped here one year
on the family road trip.

Your little mind was blown
by watching a movie in a car.

You were so obsessed,

you made Dad take us here every summer.

- Come on.
- You're insane

if you think I'm going in there.

This sh*t looks haunted.

You're still afraid of ghosts?

[scoffs] Wow.

Amnesia really is a b*tch.

You forget your whole life,

but still remember to be a p*ssy.

I'll show you a p*ssy!

Hold up, wait!

"L & K wuz here."

This was our spot.

Hmm. Come on, get in.

[loud clanging]

My God, would you chill?

- There's nobody here but us.
- I know that.

Get in the car.

Come on.

♪♪

I would try and get
the projector working,

but I'm not going in that shack.

It's okay. We're not here
for that anyway.

I was hoping

we could shake some memories loose.

Maybe this will help.

So whenever there was a car chase scene,

Dad would let you climb over
into the driver's seat

and pretend like you were in the movie.

And you would go crazy

just pulling at the steering wheel,

yelling all your little quips.

- [John Doe] Dry steering?
- [Dollface] Mm-hmm.

You mean to tell me they would let me

torque at the tie rods like that?

Not to mention scuff the tires.

So our parents really treated
their vehicles like that?

Ooh, cool your jets there,
Martin Luther Keys.

You were little.

You couldn't do any real damage.

But we did do a number
on the upholstery though.

Every time Mom and Dad
would go to the snack shack,

we would climb through the sunroof

and scuff up the back seats.
That would piss them off.

[whistling]

What you staring at me for?

The family whistle?

It was Dad's way of telling us
to sit our asses down.

I swear you could hear it
from miles away.

Right, it's like when
Abby's dad taught her

how to whistle through an acorn cap.

Would you shut up about
the stupid f*cking book?

Look at me. Are you even
trying to remember?

[John Doe] No. I'm not.

You want to know what it was like for me

being in that house?

All the pictures,
all the stuff in my room,

all the things I'm supposed
to remember, but I don't.

And then realizing
if I did get my memory back...

I'd just be weighed down
by everything that I lost.

My parents, my sister, myself.

I'd rather just be me, be John.

- But you're Lionel.
- Lionel's dead!

[g*nf*re]

What was that?

I don't know, you brought me here!

[loud thrumming] [yelping]

[thrumming]

[g*nf*re]

[engine revving]

[chuckling]

What the f*ck?

[screaming]

[screaming]

[engine revving]

[panting]

What the f*ck am I
even looking at right now?

I don't know, but whatever he is,

he's not wearing a shirt,
and he's f*cking jacked.

[g*nf*re]

Those perfectly formed pectorials

are basically bull's eyes. Watch this.

[g*nsh*t ricochets]

[screams]

[yelping] Oh, I'm so sorry!

You shot me! What the f*ck?

I'll lay down suppressive fire,

- and you run.
- [Dollface] Okay.

[John Doe] Run!

[g*nf*re]

[hissing] [wincing]

[Axel] Goddammit!

[panting]

- In there!
- Go, go, go!

Oh, sh*t. [panting]

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

[engine revving nearby]

[sighing]

Oh my God, you f*cking shot me.

- What the f*ck?
- I'm so sorry!

- Please don't cry.
- I'm not gonna cry, as*h*le!

- Ow, Jesus!
- It's okay. Is it bad?

Oh, sh*t. Uh, it's barely noticeable.

[growling] No, no, no,

It's not... you can't even see...

[muffled screaming] Shh!

[crunching] [yelping]

[muffled screaming]

[panting]

Here, sew it up. Sew it up.

I don't want a nasty scar.

Right.

I got this, okay.

Come on. Have you got it?

Yeah, I got it.

- [Dollface] You got it?
- Okay. Do I come from the top

- or the bottom?
- You ain't got sh*t!

- Okay, I...
- Hold onto this.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Make yourself useful.

- Okay.
- God.

Oh, that's so aggressive.

[wincing] [squealing]

[Quiet] Before you even
start the car, do your checks.

Gassed up, g*ns loaded,
mirrors clear of vultures,

hands on the wheel at ten and two.

No way! I wanna look cool

when I cross the finish line.

Okay, yeah.

First lesson.

[engine revving] [screaming]

You gotta outrun some vultures.

Think fast.

[grunting]

[tires squealing]

Tried to 180 out of here,
and the vultures caught you.

You're dead.

Again. [sighs]

Wrong. [yelling]

Nope.

Dead, dead, dead.

Lesson two.

Holy men dead ahead.

sh*t, sh*t!

[Quiet] You're hanging your a*s out.

- [grunting]
- Oh, f*ck!

[tires squealing]

You were supposed to drive
through the barrels.

Guess what? You died again.

- [groans]
- [Mayhem] g*dd*mn it.

Time for your final exam. Drive.

- What are you doing?
- [g*nsh*t]

- [screams]
- There's a k*ller clown

with flaming hair right behind us.

- What's the move?
- At first I...

- [g*nsh*t]
- [Quiet] Go!

You didn't even give me a chance!

[indistinct shouting] Think fast!

[g*nsh*t] [tires squealing]

You giving up? I knew it.

I knew you weren't cut out for this.

f*ck you, Quiet!

[trunk slams]

I don't even want to know
what nasty diseases

you gave yourself using
that dirty a*s needle.

I don't need medical advice, Dr. Piss.

We just need to figure out

how we're getting past
those sound wave things.

Without sexy car man
knowing that we're in here.

Well, if we're going
to make it out of here,

we're going to need
a better vantage point.

I'm going to climb to the top
of the projection screen.

No, you're not.

We're going to the concession stand.

Whatever's powering
those sound wave thingies

is for sure coming from there.

Wait.

Wait, I'm remembering something.

- Really?
- [John Doe] Yeah.

- What?
- I remember telling you

it was a f*cking bad idea
to come in here!

Shh!

Do you hear that?

It's the sound of a scared little b*tch.

Oh, wait, that's you.

[engine revving]

[clanging]

♪♪

[John Doe] Did you see
those metal hands?

This m*therf*cker is full of surprises.

[sighs]

I wonder how he, uh, you know,

starts his own engine.

[John Doe] Forearms on that guy?

One wrong move, He'll rip the sh*t off.

Poor son of a b*tch.

[groaning] Okay, so what's the plan?

Oh, yeah. Let's sh**t
our way out of here,

because that worked
so well the first time.

It worked well for me.

I looked f*cking great. [gasping]

- [banging]
- [Jeremy] Ashley! Ashley!

Oh, yes, give mama that French bread!

It's proofing. It's proofing.

[knocking]

- [grunting]
- Did you hear that?

[screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

Come on, May,

you can't stay back there forever.

Fine.

If you're not going to come out,
then I'm going to eat.

I am starving.

Mm-mmm!

Oh, my gosh. Oh, it's so good.

Mmm, and I have so much of it.

[Mayhem] What is it?

- [Quiet] Rattlesnake.
- You can make snake jerky?

Yeah. It's not that hard.

My brother taught me how.

k*lling the f*ck
is a pain in the a*s.

But then you salt them

and put them in a salt bath

and hang them out to dry.

It has to be strong sunlight, though.

I learned that the hard way.

- What happened?
- What do you think?

I ate it raw

and puked so hard I sh*t myself.

Yeah, it was a lot of sh*t too,

- like, everywhere.
- Ooh, that's tough.

My brother wouldn't stop
laughing, the jagoff.

Hmm, guess being a jagoff
runs in the family.

Yeah.

He wasn't a great teacher,
but he helped me survive.

Eventually I figured it out on my own.

Listen, why do you want to enter
this tournament so badly?

You do know it's to the death, right?

Yeah. So?

I'm not afraid of dying.

And if I win,

I could wish for a better life.

Come on, let's try again.

Okay.

Shh, shh, come on.

Okay.

[gulping]

[both groaning]

[belches]

How is this guy even alive?

[grunts]

Come on. He's distracted.

[coughing]

Eww. This place is a mess.

But it's still cleaner than your car.

Smells better too. [chuckles]

Shut up and cut the power.

[faint mechanical noise]

"Axel."

[rustling and clanking]

What kind of sick f*ck would do this?

[footsteps running]

[cackling] [grunting]

I'd lower that pea-sh**ter
if I were you.

Put it on the counter.

I'm impressed you got past my guard dog.

Not many do.

We're just trying
to get out of here, man.

Oh, please. You're like everyone else

who comes sniffing around here

trying to steal my life's work.

[tsking] You're jealous.

Why would we be jealous of you?

You're making car people.

That's an oversimplification!

I evolved that broken k*ller
into something more.

If the only way to survive outside

is to be in a car,

then what if you could be the car?

But it's still not right.

There's still too much human in him.

But I could get it right
with one of you.

So what, you just make cars
out of Black people?

What? no! It's not racially motivated.

- Is that how it's coming off?
- Yeah!

I mean, you look at him, you look at us.

Let me just say,

I've always believed
science is colorblind.

- [groaning]
- God.

[breathy whistling]

What's going on with him?

[breathy whistling]

He's not sick, is he?

To be honest,
I have no idea what he's doing.

Family whistle!

The family whistle!

[grunts] [screaming]

[groaning]

[both] Ooh.

- [wincing]
- Some of my best friends

are Black.

[death rattle]

Thanks, big bro.

Now, if we can just get

that tiny little butthole
of a mouth to whistle.

If my mouth is a butthole, so is yours.

That's how genes work.

Now, go cut the power so we can bail.

[machinery clicking,
electric hum fading]

Hey, uh,

Axel, right?

Listen, I know we had our differences,

but, um, we just k*lled

this little r*cist nerd,

and we cut the power,

so you're free to go.

Now I hope we can go
our separate ways peacefully.

What?!

We've had our differences...

Dude, you got...

you gotta use your big boy voice

- What you...
- We cut the power.

You're free to go.

Oh, good looking out.

I hated that m*therf*cker.

Peace!

[engine noise fading]

Remember, driving is about
making a decision

and making it happen.

You second guess yourself,

you crash and burn.

All right, gassed up, g*ns loaded,

mirrors clear of... Jeremy?

- [panting]
- Run!

He's coming!

[blade whooshing] [gurgles]

[gasps]

Damn.

Drive.

Uh, what is he doing?

[muttering]

[sighs]

Oh, sh*t! We decided to drive! D! D!

[tires squealing]

[groaning] [tires squealing]

Holy sh*t, I did it!

- Celebrate later.
- Right!

[tires squealing, engine revving]

Uh, what the hell is that?!

Quiet, this wasn't on the final exam!

Think fast!

[tires squealing]

[metal clanging]

[screaming]

[engines revving]]

[metal clanging, fading]

[distant screaming]

♪ 'Cause you're everywhere to me ♪

♪ When I close my eyes it's you I see ♪

♪ And everything I know
that makes me believe ♪

♪ I'm not alo-whoa-whoa-one ♪

♪ 'Cause you're everything to me ♪

♪ And when I close me eyes
It's you I see ♪

♪ You're everything I know
that makes me believe ♪

♪ I'm not alo-whoa-whoa-one ♪

When we win I was thinking maybe

I'd take Quiet up to grandpa's cabin.

Oh. The cabin.

You know that brings back some memories.

Wait, how are you gonna
remember Grandpa cabin

and not Grandpa?

I might have found a way there.

- Hey, I drew this.
- Yeah.

[chuckling]

b*tch, you read my diary?

What? No, I wouldn't...

Yeah. Okay, just a little bit.

Look, I got tired
of hearing about horses

and how funny Brian Carroll was.

Ooh, funny and fine.

Ugh.

No third grader could resist his charms.

- Oh, well.
- [chuckling]

Look who decided to show up.

Why is the kid driving?

Why is your face all f*cked up?

We just had a run in
with the grim douchebag

and a naked man on wheels.

- [gasping]
- [both] Axel!

Ashley and Jeremy are dead.

They're real f*cking dead.

And we're going to be next

if we don't get the f*ck out of here.

sh*t. Okay, we should load up.

- I'll ride with you.
- Okay.

- So the detour worked, huh?
- It did.

Thank you for making that happen.

You're high, aren't you?

Indubitab-ably.

Ash and Jeremy weren't
the best soldiers,

but their hearts were committed
to the cause.

May their souls bang for eternity.

Why didn't she bury the mask?

The mission lives on.

It'll go to the next doll
worthy of wearing it.

Hmm.

Well, you know, when you go down,

I'll keep your mask alive.

- Oh, that's so nice.
- Yeah.

Knowing your driving,

it'll probably be you that kills me.

Diesel City,

where the biggest, scariest,
loudest special weapons

are made and sold.

That's cool,
but we don't have any money.

We don't need money,

because we're going to steal them.

♪♪

[tires squealing]

[The Offspring's
"Come Out and Play" playing]

- [Sweet Tooth]
- This is my kind of party!

[Calypso] Welcome to my contest.

[Mayhem] What are you up to,
you long-haired f*ck?

[Calypso] You'll compete
in multiple rounds,

each unique and more deadly
than the last.

Where in the f*ck
do you think you're going?

[Calypso] If you survive, you advance.

[Quiet] There's a lot of
stone-cold K*llers here.

- [John] Hi, Sweet Tooth.
- Ah!

Grimm, how the hell did you get out?

I got a special invitation.

The last driver behind the wheel

gets their wish granted.

[grunting]

We're taking them all down.

♪ Bash it up Bash it up ♪

♪ Bash it up ♪

♪ Bash it up ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Man you're talkin' back to me ♪

Go, go, go, go, go! f*ck!

♪ Take him out ♪

I'm worried what it'll take to win.

[Axel] You make
a run at me, I will end you.

Coroner gonna list your cause of death

as everything.

[Calypso] It's time for
the tournament to begin!

[Quiet] John!

♪♪

Do you think we'll win?

- ♪ Come out and play ♪
- [Stu] Get some!

Welcome to Twisted Metal!

♪♪