14x05 - New Ref in Town

[bunniefuu]

[♪ guitar strumming]

[beer hisses]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪

[♪ theme concludes]

[birds chirping]

- Nope
- No!

- Uh-uh.
- Nope.

I cannot believe they're allowing
it to happen

openly in the streets!

Fake sport, man.
You gotta tackle somethin', man.

We're losing some of our
best sports kids to soccer.

What's next, we teach 'em
to measure milk in liters?

Replace donuts with scones?!

Well, I don't know, guys.

Luke could be the next Lionel Messi.

[♪ tense, dramatic music plays]

Or whoever. I was just makin' up a name.

- [birds chirping]
- [dog barking]

Did I kick that right? [weakly laughs]

Such a dumb sport.

Got 'em dang ol' A-Y-S-O, man.
"Step Daddy Duty," man.

Hold on, Boomhauer! I'll come with ya!

I hear the fields now
have St. Augustine grass.

- [♪ suspicious music playing]
- Supposed to be lusher than Bermuda.

I'll believe that when I see it.

Hi, Dale. Come on in.

- [locks door]
- Can I get you some scones?

I've really come around on scones.

Didn't you notice how much Hank
suddenly knows about soccer?

The Hank Hill I know hated soccer.

I'm afraid my suspicions
have been confirmed.

Hank was turned in Saudi Arabia.

Turned into what?

A spy, you idiot!

He's been brainwashed
by Mohammed bin Salman,

the Sheikh of Araby.

Oh, no. Peggy could be in danger!

We all could be in danger, Bill!

But MBS' secret police
didn't know one thing.

Soccer is despised in Texas,

despite the best efforts of that
Canadian assassin Deadpool,

and that Ted Lasso.

I don't know. Boomhauer's kid is playing.

Maybe it's too late.

Maybe the contagion has already spread!

Why couldn't Hank have been
turned into somethin' less scary,

like a werewolf?

I wish that were it.

I've k*lled werewolves before.

Or at least a really big dog.

[kids chattering]

- Yes!
- Becca!

- Over here!
- [cheering]

You missed that call, Ref!

Dang ol'... wh-what, man?
I'm d-- talkin'-- just...

- just a volunteer, man.
- [blows whistle]

- [mutters] That was offsides.
- Oh boy.

We got one of those
way-too-into-it soccer dads here.

Why do they have to ruin it with rules?
Just let the kids have fun.

Well, the rules make it fun.

- Behind you!
- What the heck?

- That's a foul!
- Hey!

You're missin' a great game, Ref!

- [player] That can't be right.
- Ow, man!

[player 2] What the heck?
Isn't he gonna say something?

Ah! Oh...

[parent] Come on!

Another ref quit!
Any y'all wanna volunteer?

If not, we automatically lose!

[player] Can we just call it a tie?

[♪ thoughtful music playing]

[sighs]

- I can do it.
- You know the rules?

Um, I'm, uh, I'm no expert or anything.

Just picked some stuff up from watching.

A player is offsides if their feet
are in the half of the opposing team,

and there isn't a defender between them

and the goalkeeper
before the ball is played forward.

[birds chirping]

I tell you what.

♪

The singer in the avocado costume
is definitely Tupac.

- [applause on TV]
- [audience groans]

Ugh, it's just Don Lemon.

[announcer] [on TV] Whether you're
a young buckaroo lookin' to buy

- your first set of wagon wheels...
- Don't skip this ad! I love it.

...or a grizzled old cowpoke

fixin' to buy a convertible buggy,

come on down to
Bronco Barry Bilford's Car Corral

off 635 in Dallas.

But don't take my word for it.

- Let Switzer here tell you.
- [horse whinnying]

[Connie Souphanousinphone]
Aw.

I've loved those crazy ads
since I was little.

Can't believe Bronco Barry's
still doing it.

He hasn't aged a day.

That's because they never
updated the commercial.

Well, why change what works?

I mean, it got me thinkin'

maybe it's time I go down and buy a car.

I wouldn't have to bum rides
from you guys,

and I've saved enough
for the down payment.

I don't know.

You better ask your mom
to come down and help you.

My mom? Please.

You have to be tech savvy
to buy a car these days.

Her Waze app's been stuck on Mandarin

for the last three months,

and she's helpless to change it!

But, Bobby, those car dealers are slick.

And you're just too...

nice.

I appreciate your concern, Connie,

but I can handle myself just fine.

Now, would you please put a coaster
under your iced tea,

so you don't leave a ring on
our cardboard accent table?

[quietly] Who's too nice now?

♪

- Hi, honey.
- Dammit, Peggy.

I shoulda known
you'd see right through me.

I went with Boomhauer

to watch his girlfriend's son's
soccer game.

Well, honey, that is not a bad thing.

I, for one, am glad to see that Boomhauer

is taking his role as Luke's
father-adjacent figure seriously.

[sighs] I also filled in as referee

after everyone turned on Boomhauer.

They kicked ba*ls at his head, Peggy.

The disrespect for authority
was just so un-American.

Our country has changed, Hank.
Do you know

that the cashier at Frumpy's
asks for tips now?

I came here for some sensible shorts,
not to get fleeced.

Okay, well, there's something else.

Turns out there's
a referee shortage in Texas.

So, the coach asked me to do it again.

So, what did you say?

I said no.

After years of enjoying mocking soccer,

I can't have the fellas think
I now enjoy it

without the mocking.

- I'd be a hypocrite, Peggy.
- Wait.

Do you like soccer?

♪

[Hank Hill]
Well, I was minding my own business,

trying to focus on the job
I was sent to do,

repairing stadium-grade

- HD-10 propane tanks.
- [crowd cheering]

Gotdangit, if the beautiful artistry
on that field didn't lure me in.

- [crowd chattering]
- [♪ epic music playing]

♪

I love soccer, Peggy.

[gasps] You are lucky my father
is not alive, Hank Hill.

He did not approve of soccer, no siree.

He'd ban me from being
with a bad boy like you.

Although, it's almost like
we have a dirty little secret. [giggles]

Hey, Hank, why don't you
put on that referee uniform?

I haven't seen your calves
during the day in a decade.

Peggy, the windows are open!

I know.
Are you gonna put me in the penalty box?

Now, that's hockey. I'm reffing soccer.

Don't ruin it.

♪

So, you're gonna keep reffing,
right, honey?

Even if it's dirty and dangerous

and amoral and would get us
shunned by your friends?

Yep.

[♪ exciting music playing]

[Dale Gribble] 4:00 in the morning.
The Manchurian Candidate

and his potentially complicit wife

are wide awake, betraying our country.

- [TV chatter]
- Probably up for morning prayer,

or talking to their Saudi handlers.

[whirring, shutter snapping]

- Still could be werewolves.
- Okay, Bill.

Despite my tracking prowess,
Hank is kind of a wily one.

I won't be able to keep
an eye on both of them,

so I'm going to assign you
to surveil Peggy.

On it!

- Come on, blue!
- Go!

- [blowing whistle]
- [player] Look out!

Hey! Why are you giving the ball
to the other team?

That's bad for my kid's side!

Yeah! What kind of call was that?!

The correct one.

♪

[players]
Good game. Good game.

Great game, Hank!

Unlike the other refs,
you knew the rules and...

and didn't cry.

Well, thank you, Brian.

I think you just wrote my epitaph.

[♪ upbeat guitar music playing]

[dishes clinking]

How did the game go, Mr. Referee?

Well, it was an aggressive
hard-fought battle,

and the coaches were
running their mouths a bit,

but the rules were followed
and justice was enforced.

Oh... sounds like there
is a new sheriff in town.

You are my Gary Cooper,

but with a whistle instead of a badge.

[Hank] Hm.

Tell me again about the offsides.

You wanna hear it fast or slow?

- [giggling]
- [phone buzzing]

[gasps] Oh my! It's Bobby.

- Hank, do I answer it?
- Good Lord, not now!

- [buzzing continues]
- We're in the aftermath.

- [answers phone]
- [groans]

Bobby! Honey, how is my sweet boy?

Hi, Mom. I have a question for you.

I was just cleaning the house. Alone!

That is why I'm flushed and winded.

Okay, but that's not my question.

Do you still have
my driver's ed certificate?

Of course.
It's laminated with your diploma.

You did not get too many awards,
so we made the most of what we had.

Also, do you think I can be...

"too nice" sometimes?

Oh. Well, honey, there is no such thing

as being too nice, Bobby.

So, I would say you are
just the right amount.

But, let me ask your father.

Your father agrees. Why do you ask, honey?

It's just, I'm about to buy a car,

and I know exactly what I want, but--

Oh, Bobby, let me help.
I can hop in my car,

that I got a great deal on,
by the way, and be there in no time.

Honey, these salesmen are pros,

and you are, well,
you are very nice, but--

Thanks. Gotta go.

[Hank] [whispers]
Tell him to wear a tie.

[loudly] Your father says wear a tie!

I just heard him yell that to me
from another room that I'm not in!

- [♪ bright guitar music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

[announcer over PA]
Stanley, you're needed in finance...

[sighs deeply]

Welcome to Bronco Barry Bilford's
Car Corral.

Did ya get a gander at any of
our certified or pre-owned veh--

Look, with all due respect, sir,

you're a businessman, I'm a businessman.

And I've done my research.

So, let's talk turkey.

This is the car I want
and how much I'm willing to pay.

I have included a copy
of my driver's license,

and my credit score is sparkling.

Now, that price is based on
the current consumer index

for similar makes and models
that have sold

in the greater Dallas-Fort Worth area,

plus 2%.

I understand you have
to make your margins.

Well, I know when I've met my match.

I better get the boss.

[announcer over PA]
Paging line one, maintenance, line one.

Oh, my God! It's you! I mean,

I'm not saying you look old or anything,

but what happened? I'm sorry.

[sighs] It's okay, son.

[chuckles] Now, about your deal.

You did your homework,
and you drove a hard bargain.

You beat the devil his self.

[chuckling] Well,
these dang internet sites.

You know, maybe it's time
we hung it up for good.

I'm too old for this.

You'll get your deal.
There's just one thing

I'd like you to consider first.

Now, hang on. I came in here to--

Would you do me this courtesy, please?

As a fellow businessman?

[♪ gentle country music playing]

- [doors creak]
- [horse neighs]

Is that Switzer?

I just call him that for
the Dallas Cowboy fans.

Real name's Bobby.

That's my name!

What?! Well,

[laughs] ain't that somethin'.

Sadly, he's gotten
a little long in the tooth.

- Showbiz can be cruel to horses.
- [horse snorts]

I am sorry, Mr. Bronco Barry sir,

but I'm not sure what this has
to do with the deal we agreed on.

Well, son, as you pointed out,

I'm getting a little
long in the tooth myself,

and I just can't take care
of him the way I used to.

Seein' as how you beat the tar out of us

on this deal for your gas wagon,

you might do a... [coughs]
dying old man a favor

and take Switz-- I mean... [laughs] Bobby,

as part of the package.

No, I came here to buy
a car and a car only.

No extended warranties,
no anti-lock brakes,

and certainly no horses.

Ah, that sure is a shame.

I was hopin' to pass him on

- to someone I trust.
- [horse grunting]

My one last wish.

But, it looks like I'm gonna have to...

get rid of him another way.

[horse snorts]

I know a nice guy like you

wouldn't m*rder a sweet horse like this.

- [horse nickers]
- [Bobby sighs]

[laughing]

Dude! What did you do?!

Told ya you were too nice.

Dude, there's no way
we're keeping a horse!

N-No! Get him outta here!

[horse sighs]

- [♪ gentle music playing]
- Aw, I love you, horse!

[doorbell ringing]

Hank's not here, Bill.

[loud, stilted]
Hello, Peggy! I'm just here

to return this Tupperware container

and for no other reason at all!

Oh, well, thank you.

I was wondering where this has been.

Since 1998.

[stilted, quieter]
And as a token of my gratitude,

I've prepared you two dishes.

A piece of wholesome, traditional,
American apple pie,

or the very foreign dish
of falafel and hummus.

- Which would you prefer?
- Oh, you're sweet, Bill.

[laughing] But I would never eat food
that has been in your home.

I understand.

♪

Sorry, Dale.
I couldn't break Peggy.

I tried every trick I knew,
but she was too tough for me.

And pretty. [laughs]

No matter. You planted the bug.

I affixed a small recording device
to the Tupperware.

[static hissing]

I just got the call, Peggy.

Oh! [gasps]

Yep. They want me to ref
a high school game.

Arlen versus Plano South

- at Arlen Eagle Stadium.
- [Tupperware gurgling]

- [static]
- [over radio] The biggest stadium in town.

[breaking up] My duty-- be to enforce...

Hoyeah!

[kissing]

- Well, what's wrong, honey?
- It's a big game, Peggy.

Even the mayor will be there.

Her son plays for Arlen.

Everyone will know I like soccer.

Everyone? Or is it the guys in the alley?

You listen to me, Hank Hill.

If it were up to Dale,
Bill, and Boomhauer,

you would just spend your time
drinking beer and complaining about...

[in deep voice]
"Oh, kids these days and their haircuts."

[normal] You have evolved, honey.

Maybe I have evolved.

Although I still don't like

women shaving their heads
and dyeing what's left.

They look like fruit.

Honey, you deserve to ref this game.

Those kids need you.

- [static, breaking up]
- [Hank] The mayor-- has-- kid...

It's the only way.

- [♪ dramatic music playing]
- He's going to kidnap the mayor!

You can't bring a horse into our garage.

Get rid of it by tomorrow,
or I'm going to evict you.

Our upstairs neighbor has a dog!

You have a horse!

And it just shat all over
my wife's Ford Focus!

[receptionist] [on phone]
I'm sorry,

but our stables are
all booked for the next month.

Are you sure you can't help us out?

I just spent $200 on apples and--

- [dial tone]
- And she hung up.

This is crazy!

- I'm calling Bronco Barry!
- [line ringing]

[clears throat] Gotdangit, hello!

Mr. Bronco Barry, sir,

you told me we were allowed to keep horses

in a residential area in Dallas--

No take-backs, mister!

But, what about honesty?

I thought we were fellow businessmen.

[sarcastic] Oh, we are!

And I out-businessed you!

I've been trying to get rid of
that horse for six months,

and I ain't payin' a large animal vet

or some kinda funeral horse home
to take him.

You know what they charge
to bury horses? Huh?

Do ya? Two grand!

And I wouldn't pay that much
to bury my own mammy.

[hangs up]

We might have to do the difficult thing.

No! Not yet!

He's a stone breed!

I read online that they're low maintenance
and don't eat a lot.

[horse stomps feet, grunts]

[yelps, stammers]

- That was coconut shrimp!
- [crunching]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[night-vision goggles whirring]

[treadmill whirring]

Hey, Ref! Why don't you get
your head outta your a*s!

[♪ mysterious music continues]

[hissing]

♪

- [crowd chattering]
- [♪ upbeat music playing]

Thank you, Mayor.

Uh, Mrs. Mayor? My name is Hank Hill,

and it will be my honor to referee
your son's game tonight.

Okay...

Just don't get too close.
I wouldn't want it to look like

I'm givin' Arlen special treatment.

[softly chuckles] Uh...

Well, well, if it isn't my esteemed
successor, Mayor Seager.

- I'm sorry, who are you?
- The man who is saving your life.

Now, if you don't mind, I need to borrow
the good ref for a moment.

This better be important, Dale.
The game's about to start.

Bill? What the hell?

- [door slams]
- [tires screeching]

Dale, you're an idio--

- [Hank groaning]
- [Dale] We had to stop you

before you kidnapped the mayor,

and whatever else you needed to do
before you went to t*rror1st Heaven

and collected your 72 virgins!

Is that what this is about, Hank?

- The virgins?!
- I'm sorry, Hank!

[♪ dramatic music plays]

[♪ mysterious music playing]

- [smacks]
- Ah! What the...?

Dale, you better tell me
what's goin' on right away,

or I'm gonna kick your a*s.

I've been surveilling you
and your honey trap, Hank Hill.

- My honey trap?
- Peggy!

You two were turned into spies

by the Saudi government
while you were overseas!

And how'd you arrive at
that asinine conclusion?

I suspected since day one,

but soccer, obviously,
was the final proof I needed.

You've been corrupted by
the Saudis' globalist agenda.

One nation, under soccer!

Did it ever occur to you that
I might actually like soccer?

Ha-ha! Good one!

[snickering]

I was hoping I wouldn't
have to do this, Hank,

but I downloaded a recipe

for homemade truth serum off the Dark Web,

and I'm gonna use it until you reveal
who's funding your treasonous plot.

How do you know that won't k*ll me?

While you were unconscious,

I tried it on Bill to test the dosage.

Bill! Tell me the truth!

I'm scared! I'm lonely and scared!

See?

It works.

♪

- [bullhorn screeches]
- Attention!

Our referee has gone MIA.

We can't find him anywhere.

Does anyone know how to ref?

If we don't find one,
we're gonna have to forfeit,

and there won't be any refunds!

- [crowd booing, groaning]
- [Boomhauer sighs]

- [♪ suspenseful music plays]
- [Hank] Wait!

Dale, there's no need for that.
I'll tell you the truth.

I'm listening.

You were right.
But, you only have part of the story.

I'm a double agent.

Ah!

I was recruited by the US government
to spy on the Saudis.

Propane repair was just my cover.

I knew a sheep like Bill wouldn't be able
to understand the complexity

of an operation like this.

But, you've probably been
ahead of it the whole time.

Yes. Yes, I was.

And liking soccer was
part of the subterfuge?

It was the only way to trick the Saudis
into thinking I was working for them.

That is brilliant.

- [♪ patriotic music playing]
- [syringe clatters]

[sniffles] Thank you
for you service, patriot.

I apologize for all this.

I should've trusted you.

And my gut,

but I let Bill wind me up.

[groaning]

[retching]

I do not understand.

So, Dale thought you were
an international super spy

because you started liking
soccer in Saudi Arabia?

Peggy, I couldn't explain Dale's insanity
under normal circumstances,

but now, there's no time.

Step on it!
Get me to that game before they forfeit!

- My bad boy is back.
- [stomps pedal]

Hoyeah!

[tires screeching]

- [♪ drum music playing]
- [crowd cheering]

What in the hell is goin' on here?

- [players shouting]
- [thuds]

- [shouting continues]
- [grunts]

- [cheering]
- When they couldn't find you,

Boomhauer stepped in.

He made a few changes.

Changes? He ruined a beautiful game!

Hold on, Hank. Just look around.

Does this game look ruined to you?

- [♪ inspiring music playing]
- [players grunting]

- [crowd cheering]
- [blows whistle]

Dang it. On-- Play on!

- [♪ inspiring music continues]
- [crowd cheering]

That 'em dang ol' wrestle, man.

[both grunting]

That's now an Arlen ball.

[crowd cheering]

[grunting]

[groaning]

Yes, it is ruined.

Boomhauer's just turned
soccer into football.

And wrestling.
And some kinda mixed martial arts.

- [grunts]
- [crowd cheering]

Not to mention,
he missed about five offsides calls.

Eh... [scoffs] Nobody understands
that rule anyway.

Forget it, Hank.

- It's Texas.
- [crowd cheering]

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

Okay. What if I tell the landlord

that Switzer is my emotional
support animal, like--

Joseph, I love you,

but that is the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

Why do you always hate my ideas?!

Why don't you guys just call John Redcorn?

- [♪ mystical music plays]
- I see what happened here.

- You do?
- You fell for the oldest scam in the book.

The "Pale Face Pawn Off."

My people have been
pulling a version of this

on the white man for years.

It's how we get rid of our used livestock.

Okay. So, is there anything
you can do to help us?

[horse nickers]

[♪ mystical music playing]

- [Joseph laughing]
- [wind blowing]

[laughter]

- [Joseph] Woo-hoo!
- [horses whinnying]

I'll take the horse to my land.

But, only if you two knuckleheads
agree to come visit him.

I think I'm done with horses for now,

but that sounds like a great thing
for you and Joseph to do together.

- [♪ gentle music playing]
- [horse snorts]

I am sure Arlen will be ready
for soccer someday.

Yeah, you're right.

I guess for now, it'll just have to be
our dirty little secret.

[mischievously laughs]

To be honest, Hank,
it just does not feel as forbidden now.

- Even my dad would approve.
- [sighs]

But, you know what does
get my motor running?

The idea of you being a big,

- bad foreign spy.
- Heh.

Are you saying you'd
like to be my honey trap?

[in Russian accent] Da! Call me Natasha.

[kisses]

[Hank] [on radio, breaking up]
Gonna have to...

assassinate... the president.

[Peggy Hill]
Zee eagle flies at dawn.

Get the chloroform.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles"
by The Refreshments playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪
- ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps]
- [crowd cheering]

♪

[Peggy] I would never eat food
that has been in your home.

[♪ fanfare playing]