14x06 - Peggy's Fadeout

[bunniefuu]

[♪ guitar strumming]

[beer hisses]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪

[♪ theme concludes]

[Peggy Hill]
Well, will you look at this?

Minh started a lifestyle blog!

Well, good for her.

Unsubscribe.

- [alert beeps]
- [gasps]

"Dear Mrs. Hill, while we
appreciate your enthusiasm

"for the position of Budget
and Finance Director,

"we disagree that your experience haggling

"in Saudi Arabian flea markets

equates to a two-year masters
in economics."

[sighs]

- [drill whirring]
- [Hank scoffs]

[Hank Hill]
Laminate beams in a flood zone?

Stupid Property Twins.

They'd be better off installing
sleeves onto their shirts.

Hank, I have changed my mind
about converting Bobby's room.

I thought you needed a home office

to plan budgets and woo donors.

I am just leaving academia behind
and embracing retirement.

You should just convert his room
into something more useful,

like a home cinema.

How is that useful?

Maybe when Hollywood makes
somethin' for us again,

like Forrest Gump.

Up to you.
It is not like I will be

Zooming into
an exciting new job anytime soon.

You know, it's kinda sad
to change Bobby's room.

I know he's a restaurateur now,

but seems like just yesterday,
he was a kid

with his silly dreams of bein' on TV

and makin' bad jokes all day.

Hi! I'm Bobby Hill!

Executive Chef of Robata Chane.

As the hardest-working Japanese-German
hibachi jockey in Dallas,

I have what it takes to be the next...

"King of the Grill!"

- [Emilio] And... action!
- [phone beeps]

- Take seven. I guess.
- [phone beeps]

- No surprises this time, okay, Emilio?
- [phone beeps]

From flank to wagyu--

- Oh! Ugh! Cut!
- [tray clatters]

- [rat squeaking]
- Dang it!

Take it from the top, Mr. Bobby?

- [door bell dings]
- [Bobby Hill] Oh crap,

I have a budget meeting right now.

- I'll-- I'll re-sh**t the video later.
- What about the rat?

We open in an hour.

Just make sure it doesn't
run into the restaurant.

- You got it, Bobby.
- And don't sh**t it!

[g*n clicks]

We are on track to
profitability in 18 months

versus the two-year projection
in the business plan.

That's good news because this comes out of
Chane's recreation budget,

and he just totaled his WRX.

That stop sign came outta nowhere!
Not my fault.

Well, we do have a problem
that may require hiring someone.

- I saw a rat in the kitchen.
- [Chane Wassanasong] Gross!

What kinda place are you running, man?

You guys cut the exterminator budget!

Fix this rat problem ASAP!

This isn't a food court in El Paso!
Let's go, son.

Uh, Chane, wait a minute, man.

Have you heard of King of the Grill?

- [door bell dinging]
- That Texas cooking show

that Fox stupidly canceled 15 years ago?

Yes, that show!
They're bringing it back!

If I get in, I was wondering
if your dad would buy

some ads to promote the restaurant.

Are you nuts? You heard him.
We can't be asking for more money.

And anyway, you'd never win.

Nobody wants to see
someone like you on TV.

Reality shows are for guys with
six-packs and cool haircuts.

Hey, maybe I should get on a reality show.

[♪ jaunty guitar riff]

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

Yep.

- Yup.
- [Boomhauer] Mm-hmm.

- Yep-- Oh! Sorry, guys.
- [watch beeping]

Great conversation, but I gotta go.

Where are you off to?

I got plans with my friends.

Plans? With your... what?

My friends that I made while
you were in Saudi Arabia.

Their names are Lucas, Isaiah, and Ernie.

Now that I'm out of the house again,
I've reconnected with them.

And it's been great.

Ooh! I should go change and get ready.

Ernie makes fun of me if I come in lookin'

"low rent." [laughs]

I've never heard of Bill's friends.

Of course you haven't. They're not real.

We had to indulge Bill
and his fabricated stories

the entire time you were gone.

I tell ya what, man, might need to ol'
have one of 'em ol' talks, man.

Like one of 'em dang ol'
come-to-Jesus type, man.

Boomhauer's right.
You have to talk to him, Hank.

Even if they're fake,
I cannot live in a world

where Bill has more friends than me.

♪

I guess I'll just have to pay
for an exterminator

outta my own pocket.

You can afford that, yes?

No, man. I make the same as you.

Same as me? Mierda.

Well, I took less salary
in exchange for my 15% ownership.

And it only pays off
if the restaurant is a success.

And that's why I work so dang hard.

You do work too hard.
If you were an R&B singer,

you would be called The Weekdays.

But, how will you find a dirt-cheap
exterminator by tomorrow?

You called the right guy.

I'll take care of this rodent
that is afflicting

your ethnic cuisine establishment.

But, don't worry, Bobby.

This rattus is gratis.

You're gonna do this for free?

What? No! I thought gratis
just meant a slight discount.

Explains why I haven't
been paid in a while.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[whirring]

[Bobby]
Why does this trap need a camera?

That ain't for the trap.

That's for my Patreon.

[workers chattering]

[Joseph Gribble]
Yo! Chane!

Wow, Joseph. You know college people?

I went to high school with him.

He's a d*ck,
but his girlfriend Connie is cool.

- You-you mean that blonde girl?
- What?

- [moaning, kissing]
- College guys are easy.

- [phone beeps]
- [moaning, giggling]

- [clicking, beeps]
- [Hank] Yep.

Okay, I know I said I was fine about

settling into retirement,

but I do not know, Hank.

It just feels like everyone else is doing

bigger and better things with their lives.

Even Bill!

Bill's not doin' better anything.

Well, I just ran into Bill outside,

and he says he's going to North Arlen
to hang with his boys.

Ugh, he called them his "boys"?

He is really fallin' off
the reality wagon.

[Bill whistling]

[♪ "I Go Hard" by Gangstagrass
feat. T.O.N.E-z playing]

[Hank sighs]

♪ When the chips are down,
you won’t see me comin' ♪

♪ By the time ♪

♪ You turn around ♪

- ♪ Your whole crew is runnin’ ♪
- [muffled chatter]

- ♪ I go hard ♪
- [muffled laughter]

Huh...

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

I should've known
this Dallas restaurant rat

would have more street smarts
than the hillbilly rats back in Arlen.

First thing we gotta do is make him lazy.

Wait, wait. The health inspector
isn't gonna like this.

Says the guy with a rat
running all over his floor.

Next up, I call this

the "Judas Rat."

So, your new plan is to release

another rat into the restaurant?

This isn't just another rat.

It is equipped with
biometric tracking devices,

and it will double-cross
the restaurant rat

by leading me to them.

Uh, okay, there's no way

I can afford somethin' like this.

Oh, these are just prototype drawings.
Here's the current model.

- [watch beeping]
- Soon as he catches up to Restaurant Rat,

I hit a button, and boom!

- [rat squeaking]
- No expl*sives, Mr. Gribble.

[door bell dings]

Excuse me.

[rat squeaking]

Now that he's deployed,

- I have to track and follow his signal.
- [watch beeps, chimes]

He's heading to the ceiling!

Hey, Bobby. Got your message.

What was so important that
you needed to see me about?

Connie, there's no easy way to say this.
I'm really sorry,

but Chane is cheating on you.

- [Dale Gribble] Damn you, Judas Rat!
- Uh, that's not possible.

I know. I know!
I didn't wanna believe it either.

Although I can't say I was too surprised.

No. It's technically impossible for him
to be cheating on me

because we are in an open relationship.

We both can hook up with other people
whenever we feel like it.

- [Dale screams]
- [debris clattering]

Wait, what?!

- [muffled chatter]
- [♪ gentle country music playing]

- [indistinct chatter]
- [door bell dings]

Hank! What are you doin'
on this side of town?

I followed you.
I was worried you were slippin' into

a hopeless pit of
mental illness and despair.

Oh, that was sweet of ya.

How on earth did you end up here?

You can thank your tenant,
Brian Robertson.

After I was forced into early retirement,

I didn't have a purpose.

Brian told me to call his cousin, Lucas,
who owns a barbershop.

Granted, I didn't know
it was a Black barbershop.

Although, I guess it makes sense
that Brian, being Black,

would have a Black cousin.

And I suppose odds
that a Black barber would own a--

I get it, Bill.

But, the barbershop
shut down during COVID,

and I spiraled into depression.

But, because you brought me
out of that, Hank,

I was able to come back here

and reconnect with everyone. [chuckles]

Hey, you should come in.
I'll introduce you to the fellas.

Uh, sure.

I'd like to meet your friends.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [clippers buzzing]

- [chatter stops]
- [clippers stop buzzing]

Hank Hill, propane
and propane accessories, retired.

Pleased to meet you all.

- Hank? Boy, are we happy to meet you!
- [clippers buzzing]

Well, thank you.
Nice to make your acquaintance, uh...

I'm Lucas. This is my shop.
Have a seat.

[indistinct chatter]

- E! It's Hank!
- Hold up.

This is the neighbor you told us about?

He's not fat and disgusting at all.

Let me guess.
[snaps fingers]

- Oprah-zempic.
- E! Don't mind Ernie.

His mouth runs faster
than his head sometimes,

but it's all love.

I'm Isaiah Meyers.

I just want you to know
that I've been praying for you, brother.

You have? Well, I-I guess that's, uh--

You know, about the...
suicidal tendencies.

Ooh, damn. You gon' be alright around
all these razors and big-a*s scissors?

- [Isaiah/Lucas] E! Mm.
- Then stop telling me stuff!

Sorry, Hank. It's just that

BD didn't tell us his friend
was leaving the house again.

What exactly did "BD" say about me?

Oh, you know, not much.

I might've mentioned your severe bouts
with weight gain,

loneliness, and depression, and,

uh, how I helped you get through all that.

Right.
You told 'em about "my" depression

- and how "you" helped "me"?
- [Ernie] Speaking of which,

if you still need a job, I need a driver.

Come on, Ernie.

The man came down here
to hang out with his friend.

My bad. Just trying to help.

[whispers]
Hey, Hank. I think you dropped somethin'.

Hey, Hank, how long have
you known the Dauterives?

I have known, uh...

Sorry, the Dauterives?

Yeah. Bill and Peggy.

[whispers]
Oop. I forgot to tell you.

Everyone here thinks I'm married to Peggy.

[♪ tense music playing]

Bwah!

[♪ tense music playing]

So, uh,
have you all met "Mrs. Dauterive"?

Nah, she's too busy traveling the world.

You know she can speak fluent Spanish?

That's why they have
a vacation home in Mexico.

And the kid they adopted, little Bobbito.

He's touched.

Well, Bill sure is a lucky man
to have that Peggy by his side.

Hank, we better get going.

You know how-- how you get
if you don't have lunch early.

[nervous laugh]
He tries to, heh, you know...

[groans]

- [clippers stop buzzing]
- Alright, keep your head up, Hank!

- See y'all later!
- Stay strong, Hank!

Take good care of him, Bill.

- What the hell, Bill?
- I'm sorry,

but pretending to be married to Peggy

gave me the confidence
to make new friends.

I mean, who wouldn't like the kind of man
who was able to get Peggy?

[quietly]
You photoshopped my wife's head

on some... buxom trollop.

Now, I have to imagine
you lookin' at that and...

and enjoying it.

It's a half a commandment
short of adultery, Bill.

Please don't blow my cover. Please, Hank!

I'm not gonna tell them the truth,

because you have to.

You started it, and you need to end it.

Well, I'm not going to.

Look, am I gonna have
to kick your a*s, "BD"?

You can't push me around anymore.

I have the strength that comes
from the love of a good woman.

You aren't married to Peggy!

♪

How could you be in
an open relationship? With Chane?!

It's not just an open relationship.

We're practicing ENM,
ethical non-monogamy.

Each of us is allowed to do what we want,

whenever we want, with total freedom

as long as we get approval from
our partner every step of the way.

So, you "approved" that blonde girl?

Tammy? First of all,

she's not really blonde. And second,

her sorority is on our pre-approved list.

You approved a whole sorority?
[stifled laugh]

You don't have
a whole fraternity that you--

Would that be a problem?
Have you ever heard of sl*t shaming?

It is the single worst thing
anyone can do to someone.

Look, my arrangement with Chane
just works for me.

I'm double majoring in electrical
and mechanical engineering.

I am way too busy for
monogamous relationships.

But, do you... love him?

I like him. For this.

Okay, but have you ever thought

maybe I'd be good for
ethical non-monogamy, too?

Oh, Bobby. You're not ENM material.

It's just not how you're programmed.

You'd end up getting hurt,

and I would never do that to you.

Ugh. Thank you so much.

♪

Good news! I've patched up
the ceiling for you, gratis.

Bad news, I can't find Judas Rat.

I think he may have turned on me.

So now, we have a two-rat problem.

It appears so, but don't fear.

I have another plan
that is really guaranteed to work!

I call this one...

- "Sexy Rat!" Shi-shi-sha!
- [rat squeaking]

Sexy Rat will use her feminine wiles

to lure the other two rats out.

Careful! Don't stare at her too long,

or you'll fall in love.

- [rat squeaking]
- Mr. Gribble,

I don't think I'll be needing
your services anymore.

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

Well, you're not gonna believe this.

Bill has been hangin' out
at a Black barbershop,

and he told everyone there
that you're his wife.

Well, I can believe the second part.

You threatened to kick his a*s, right?

Well, of course. But, he said

being married to you makes him
more confident and likable.

And all the guys at the shop
think you're like

- the best that's ever happened to him.
- Really?

Wh-What else did they say about me?
Do you think they wanna meet me?

Well, it's not really you.

It's a twisted fictionalization of you.

[sighs]

I bet Black Barbershop Peggy

would've gotten the job
at the community college.

Because she's Black?

No, Hank!

Because she's probably
not boring like I am.

I bet Black Barbershop Peggy
is leading an exciting life

with lots of friends
and taking fun, fun trips.

Oh! It would probably be
like that movie Girls Trip.

This is serious.

We took vows to be
each other's one and only.

There's somethin' beautiful about that,

and I don't like that Bill
is horning his way in.

Oh, Hank. You can't freak out every time

another man pretends I am his wife.

You're just mad you cannot make Bill stop.

You're right, I can't.

But, you can.
You're the only one he'll listen to.

- Peggy!
- Alright! I will talk to him!

- [yelps]
- [keys jingle]

I heard what you have been telling people
at the barbershop.

- Peggy! I can explain. I--
- Bup-bup-bup!

I'm curious,
what did you tell them I do for a living?

I told them the truth.
You're a retired substitute teacher.

Hm, can you tell them that I was hired
by the Heimlich Community College?

No, no, no! The University of Texas.

Say that I am a tenured
humanities professor.

No! A vice dean.

No, I can't change the story now!
That'd make me a liar.

But... [sighs] I could tell them
you climbed the Guadalupe Peak.

Yikes! I would never do that.

[gasps] But, Black Barbershop Peggy would.

Ooh! Maybe for your birthday,
we could go kite-surfing in Belize.

I have always wanted to try that!

I'm so glad you aren't mad at me.

Say, would you do me a tiny favor?

Hank was actin' weird yesterday,

and I think the guys
are a little suspicious.

Could you stop by the shop later?

I just need them to know you're real.

Oh. Now, Bill, it's fun to
pretend here in the driveway,

but I do not think--

But, you could just drop
something off and leave!

You don't even have to
give me a long kiss!

Maybe just a quick peck
on the lips, like this.

- [kissing, moaning]
- [♪ unsettling music playing]

This needs to stop, Bill.

The cheek would work, too.

End this lie today!

♪

And so, that wraps up
another 14-hour day for me

because I understand

that to be the next "King of the Grill,"

I have to sacrifice my--

[rustling outside]

That is it!

I've had it with all these got-dang rats.

[♪ curious music playing]

Huh?

sh*t!

You're usually closed by now.
What are you doing here?

Well, I practically live here,

and why are you taking our used grease?

I sell artisan soaps and gels on Etsy.

And your restaurant has some
of the highest quality grease

in the Metroplex.

You have good taste in fats and tallows.

Oh! Th-Thank you.

Um, I'm Bobby Hill,

executive chef and partial owner
of Robata Chane.

- Pleased to meet you.
- [nervously giggles]

I'm Willow.
Were you gonna cook me or k*ll me?

♪

[Bobby] [slurring]
Who needs college?

I'm in life college,

and class is always in session.

[slurring]
I spent a semester in college, okay?

It's a scam. There's nothin' in life

that actually requires a baccalaureate.

I concur. See?

I know words, too!

- Kanpai!
- [Willow] Prost!

- [♪ gentle guitar plays]
- [people chattering]

Are you havin' some kinda
social gathering?

Yeah, sort of.

Sorry about all the cars and noise.

But, you can tell Peggy
I put an end to the lie.

Well, that's great.

Don't you feel better
now that the truth is out?

Oh, I didn't tell them the truth.

Okay. Did you tell them
that you're gettin' divorced?

I could never divorce Peggy!

She was the love of my life.

- So, I just told everyone Peggy died.
- You what?!

[♪ dramatic music plays]

You k*lled off my wife?!

[whispers]
Shh! Hank, please!

I didn't want this to be a big deal,

but people just started
showin' up at my house.

I guess in the Black community,

people visit and bring food
to help you grieve.

I think every community does that.

I don't know, Hank.
A lotta horrible stuff has happened to me,

and nobody's ever brought me food.

But, you know, now that you're here,

do you have any good stories about
Peggy's childhood that I can borrow?

[Hank sighs]

[♪ upbeat music playing on phone]

So, I was just over at Bill's house.

Did he end the charade?

Oh, he ended it alright.

By tellin' everyone that you died.

What?!

♪

- [Ernie] You can get through it.
- Oh, help him, Lord.

- [guest 1] Yes.
- [guest 2] Mm-hmm.

The reason I was this charming,

self-assured man that you all know

is because I-I had a wife like Peggy.

She showed me how to face my fears.

From Boggle tournaments
to beauty pageants,

there wasn't a challenge
Peggy couldn't take on.

She published her musings in the paper

and adventured to the Middle East,

where she mastered their languages.

She lived... [whimpers]

Take your time, baby.

She lived an exciting, full life!

We were even planning

to go kite-surfing in Belize
for her birthday.

And although she didn't
always succeed in everything,

she was always an inspiration

to all of us.

She always carried herself like a winner!

That's why I loved her!

[sobbing] That's why I'll always love you,

Peggy Dauterive!

- [Bill sobbing]
- [guests murmuring comfort]

[♪ gentle music playing]

[gasps] Great day in the mornin'!

- [door opens]
- [Joseph] Uh, dude?

[♪ plucky, suspenseful music playing]

You wanna come see this?

This is so weird.

- And hot.
- [door knocking]

- Are you expecting someone?
- Nope.

- Connie?
- Hey.

I tried calling you,
but you weren't picking up.

Figured I'd just stop by.

Uh, i-it's actually not a good--

Hey, Connie! Come in!

What?

Oh, yeah.

I realize I may have hurt
your feelings yesterday.

Not everyone understands how ENM works.

I respect your religion, Connie,

and I can be into
ethical non-mamo-gamy, too.

- If you ever want to.
- No, Joseph.

Did you get the cookies?

No. What cookies?

Ah, sh**t! I sent apology cookies.

There was a personal note for you.

Really? Well, what'd it say?

I wrote my number on
the tub in lipstick.

It'll wash off. I think.

Oh, no! Is this your girlfriend?

Okay, I am so sorry.
I just met him

when I was taking grease from the alley
behind the restaurant,

and we got drunk on leftover saké, and,

you know, I ended up sleeping over.

He didn't say anything about you.

The alley behind the restaurant?

Um... [nervous laugh]

Willow, this is Connie.

She's not my girlfriend, but, actually,

even if she was,

it would be okay that she slept over,

seeing how you practice
ethical non-monogamy.

[scoffs]
I heard about that when I was at SMU.

It's just some BS college girls say
to get side d*ck.

- [Bobby chuckles]
- Excuse me?

ENM is a relationship structure

that allows people to have
a connection without hurdles

like jealousy or expectations.

Yeah, and side d*ck.

- [Bobby laughing]
- [♪ gentle music playing]

Anyway, I was on my way out.

Thanks for a fun night, Bobby.

By the way, you know how you told me
you became a robata chef

because you grilled with your dad
every weekend?

That was sweet. You should include it
in your audition tape for that show.

Willow, would you like
to stay and hang out

on the balcony with me and Joseph?

And Connie, too, if she wants.

- Yeah, that'd be cool.
- Sure.

- [♪ gentle music continues]
- I'm Willow.

- Hey. Joseph.
- You're gonna love this!

[knocking]

[husband] "You're not ENM material
because you're husband material."

- Who the hell is Connie?
- I don't know. Must be a mistake.

[wife]
I'm not falling for that again.

[♪ gentle guitar music plays]

[Emilio]
Mr. Bobby! We caught them!

Unbelievable.

Dale's Sexy Rat plan actually worked?

I think Mrs. Sexy Rat was in heat.

When I found them, she was doing it
with the Restaurant Rat and the Judas Rat.

They were all really going at it
for a while.

Good lord!

[Emilio] They were so busy
fighting over each other,

- they didn't know what hit 'em.
- [rats squeaking]

Mr. Gribble was right?

[Dale] [muffled]
You're welcome!

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles"
by The Refreshments playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪
- ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps]
- [crowd cheering]

♪

[Bill Dauterive] I have the strength that
comes from the love of a good woman.

[♪ fanfare playing]