14x07 - Any Given Hill-Day

[bunniefuu]

[♪ guitar strumming]

[beer hisses]

[♪ theme song playing]

♪

[♪ theme concludes]

[♪ upbeat guitar music playing]

I've been tellin' everyone I know

Robata Chane is the place to go.

I knew there was a reason
you were my favorite customer.

Last time the Germans
and Japanese teamed up,

I wasn't a fan, but this is delicious.

I call it the Axis of Flavor.

Hold up. Who's burning toast?

Not me. Just meat.

Huh? Weirdest thing.

I've been smellin' burnt toast all week.

- [sniffing]
- You should get that checked out.

They say that's a sign of--

Nah, [laughs] I'm sure it's nothin'.

[slurping]

[smacks lips]

[♪ church organ playing]

[Bobby Hill]
He was the same age as my dad.

"Peter enjoyed watching football,
grilling steaks,

and mowing his prized lawn?"
[shudders]

I think he was my dad.

Thanks for lettin' me come.

I love the pageantry of funerals.

♪

[♪ organ stops playing]

Last time I saw my dad,

we were enjoying a beer
in the alley behind his house.

Uncanny.

But when I get too down,

I remember my father didn't suffer.

He died eating at his favorite restaurant.

He loved Bobby's food.

He hadn't eaten yet.

I just mean it wasn't
the food that, you know...

- He didn't have any regrets.
- [quiet murmuring]

But I do.

I wish I'd shown him
how much I appreciated him.

I wish I'd been sitting next to him
as he took his final breath

during Robata Chane's lunch special.

- [♪ dramatic organ music playing]
- I swear, we didn't k*ll him!

[birds chirping]

Good. You are both sitting down.

The Lion's Club canceled
their spaghetti dinner

due to "lack of interest."

So, I'm going to assume
you are still processing this travesty.

If I wanted to eat bland food
with bland people,

- I'd go to your house.
- [phone dings]

Ooh, that must be my dish soap!

You ordered dish soap online?

Why not go to the drug store
on the corner?

It shut down last year.

Too many teen moms stealing diapers.

It's not my package.

Just some man with a clipboard.

Don't answer! Looks like he wants to talk.

Ugh, those are the worst.

You are right.

I should post this and warn everyone.

That's 15 strange people
spotted just this week.

Half of 'em were Dale,
but, you know, still...

Where are you even hearing about all this?

Neighbors App, obviously.

You don't have a Ring camera, Peggy Hill?

No. We have a doorbell.

That rings.

[♪ upbeat guitar strumming]

Turns out, I was buying
"dense shade" grass seed

when I should have been
buying "sun and shade" seed.

Oh. Huh. Still starin' at the phone.

You feelin' alright?

It is not me that is sick, Hank.

It is Arlen, Texas.

This doorbell app has
turned all of our neighbors

into fear-mongers and gossips!

Why would a doorbell need an app?

No one in Arlen even
wants to open their door

to see another human being face-to-face!

We did not evolve from caves
to hide behind screens, Hank!

You know, you've got real
opinions on this, Peggy.

How about while I re-seed the lawn,

you write this as one
of your classic "musings"?

And send it to whom?
The Pennysaver shut down.

You could post it online?

That would be the height of hypocrisy.

We need a place to gather face-to-face.
A community, Hank.

I don't see the problem.

My friends gather face-to-face
in the alley all the time.

♪

[slurping] Ah...

[Nancy Gribble]
Hm...

Nope. This is all we're doing?

Standing in the sun like a tree?

There's a bug in my wine.

- I said no phones!
- [gasps]

♪

[♪ gentle guitar strumming]

[Willow]
Any burning, stinging, or itching?

Are you using me as a test rabbit?

Well, I can't use real rabbits.
That would be cruel.

Oh, right, right.

Dang! Cowboy tickets for my dad
are $300. Each!

Can I sell my bone marrow? Do I need that?

Just talk to your dad.

But I won't have to say anything
if I can show him I love him.

Hm... I know the guy that runs
the Cowboys Fantasy Camp.

Do you think your dad would be into that?

Are you kidding?
I found the first chapter of a novel

- he wrote about Tony Romo.
- [microwave beeping]

He solved mysteries
and had a dog that knew karate.

[Peggy Hill] You know,

one could make a case
that I was saving you

from your screen addiction.

I will still pay for it.

[tires screech]

♪

Nancy, would you read a book

that is not on a device?

Peggy, if you break my iPad, too,

I will smother you in your sleep.

♪

[birds chirping]

You were right, Hank.
Creating a book nook

to bring people together was a great idea.

It was your idea.

Well, then we agree.

Remember this moment, Hank.

It is when community and enlightenment

landed on Rainey Street.

[Hank Hill]
Britney Spears, huh?

Well, we better get cleaned up.

Bobby wants to bring that
new girl over for dinner.

The vay-gan? Wh-What the hell
am I supposed to feed her?

Can't we just put some grass in a bowl?

Ugh! I had to drive all the way
to the Mega Lo Fresh,

but I think she will appreciate my effort.

You know, her ways may
seem strange to us, Hank,

but it's important we respect her culture.

"Weird" isn't a culture.

- I don't have to respect "weird."
- [car approaching]

They're here! Quick, Hank.

[whispers]
Take off your belt. It's real leather.

How am I gonna keep my pants up?

I will give you a rope.

If you give me a rope
and make me eat vegan food,

you know what I'm gonna use that rope for.

[Peggy] So, this one is meat,
and this one is vay-gan.

But, it is supposed to
taste just like meat.

Are you sure you didn't get 'em mixed up?

I want the one that was
assigned meat at birth.

Oh, my God. Peggy! This is so good!

You really should try it, Hank.

You're welcome to call us
Mr. and Mrs. Hill.

Got it. Here you go, Mr. Hill.

[awkwardly chewing]

- [♪ dark, dramatic music playing]
- The best, right?

[scoffs]

I guess the right chef
can make anything taste good.

So, Bobby says you make skin balm?

I use recycled organic matter,

so technically Mother Nature makes it.

I bring the marketing.
It'll help your puffy eye bags.

My what?

I use Willow's balm all the time, Dad.

Feel my face. Like a baby.

That is not something
to be proud of, Bobby.

You are not a baby.

I know. Could a baby get you... this?

- [♪ magical music playing]
- Next weekend, you and me,

we're gonna toss the old pigskin

at Cowboys Fantasy Camp!

Bobby, this...

What's wrong, Dad?

This isn't some ashtray
you made in art class

that I have to pretend to like.

This is... the Cowboys.

Are you ready to make some memories, Dad?

You, me,

Tom Landry's ghost.

I'm gonna stop myself

before I get more emotional
in front of a stranger,

but I can't wait, Bobby.

We are gonna have so much fun.

- We?
- Surprise! I'm comin', too!

Unless you don't want me to.

[flatly] Oh. No.
Of course, I want you there.

Oh, good.

'Cause I don't wanna leave you
for even a minute.

[both moaning, kissing]

Ugh...

♪

Well, I'm not sayin' I'll be able
to keep up with the pros,

but I think they'll appreciate

that I can still spin the spud.

[beer sloshing]

You remember the "YoYo Sweep"
from high school?

I'm gonna get a minute alone
with Jerry Jones

to tell him about it.

I think it'll do wonders for
the Cowboys' offensive playbook.

- [birds chirping]
- [distant lawn mower humming]

Dang it. What's goin' on?

Dang ol' next birthday, man.

You know, talkin' 'bout
shoulda been us, man.

Dang ol' ruined it, man.

Trust me, I wish you were coming

instead of Bobby's weird girlfriend,

but at least I get to spend
some time with my son.

I will forgive you, if...

you bring me a lock of Trevon Diggs' hair.

I'm not gonna do that, Dale.

Noted.

I don't mind that you're
goin' to Dallas, Hank.

Well, I'm glad one of you has some sense.

Someone needs to stay here
to support Peggy's new library.

Must be hard to run somethin' like that.

It's a converted birdhouse on a post.

I think Peggy's got it, Bill.

[♪ upbeat country music playing]

[dog panting]

Yes, yes, yes!

[♪ upbeat country music continues]

♪

- [♪ music ends]
- [indistinct chatter]

You are still on my doo-doo list,

but this is really somethin', Sug.

Kind of a miracle.

The last thing most of these rednecks read
was their court summons.

And now, they're reading whole books!

Let's not throw words around
like "miracle"

or "hometown hero,"

but thank you, Minh. I appreciate it.

[♪ epic music playing]

Welcome to Cowboys Fantasy Camp.

Over the next two days,
you'll get to compete on the same field,

have the same trainers,

and maybe even get to use
the same MRI machine

as the real Cowboys.

We gonna get to meet Jerry Jones?

I have a play I think he could use.

Jerry, uh, keeps his distance
from the fans these days.

That's his office up there.

If you see a shadow, he's there.

Oh. Appreciate it.

This whole thing is somethin', isn't it?

Sure is. I just hope

- these old knees can take it.
- I hear ya.

When was the last time you played?
It was high school for me.

Oh, I played last Saturday.

It's the only way I can
keep up with my son.

- He plays at Ole Miss right now.
- Division one, huh?

Well, that's great.
I'm here with my son, too.

He's a chef. And his, uh...

Willow.

- [soft clapping]
- That.

Don't worry.
They'll try to make all the teams even.

They'll probably pair y'all up
with a really good team.

[♪ hopeful music playing]

I'm not into football,

but I won tickets in a radio contest.

My soon-to-be ex-husband
told me this was cowboy camp,

like with horses and spurs.

I did not. He just doesn't listen.

My wife Martha and I have been
season ticket holders

since 1972!

Is she here, too?

[Abraham] Sure is.

♪

I know our team isn't what you expected,

but we still got a shot.

You know what, Bobby?

- [kisses]
- We're not gonna win, but that's okay.

It is?

Yeah. I'm in a Cowboys stadium,
puttin' my underwear

in a locker that has my name on it.

How could anything ruin this?

[water running]

Bwah!

[slams door, lock clicks]

[giggles] I saw you, Mr. Hill.

The human body is
nothin' to be ashamed of.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[birds chirping]

- Okay.
- Thank you.

See that, Bill?

Beautiful thing you're doin'.

It's so nice to sit outside and read...

and read.

Are you enjoying 1984, Bill?

Oh! [nervous laugh]

Yes. Hell of a year!

Tell me one thing that happens.

Uh...

What's that on your arm?

Bill, stop changing the--

Oh. Hm! I'm sure it's nothing.

[♪ dark, suspicious music playing]

Well? Have you seen
anything like this before?

Have I ever.

Genus, bed. Phylum, bug.

Wily creatures.

The white whales of
the extermination community.

Except worse, because whales
are much easier to k*ll.

How can this be happening to me?

Not just you. I've sprayed five homes
for bed bugs this week.

The Johnsons, the Chous, the Garlands.

Why do I recognize those names?

Everyone who has bed bugs
borrowed from my book nook.

That can only mean one thing.

People with bed bugs love to read!

Or your books infected them.

[♪ dramatic music playing]

How can you tell if they're infected?

The little vampires
like to hide in the spines.

Now, what you are about to
see is incredibly disturbing.

♪

[both scream]

- [Peggy] No, no, no!
- Huh?

All I wanted to do was bring back

old-fashioned neighborhood values.

Is that so wrong?

- It's a damn shame.
- What is?

They'll blame the books.
They'll hate reading

and the woman who made them hate reading,

Peggy Hill.

[♪ dark, dramatic music playing]

♪

[scratching]

This has to go away quietly, Dale.

No one can know it was me.

Oh, I know how to fix your problem.

I spray the rest of the houses
that brought home your buggy books.

I make money, you get off scot-free.

- Everybody wins.
- Except the bugs.

The bugs die!

[whistle blares]

I'm Micah Parsons,
but for the next two days,

you can call me Coach.

Where's Willow?

Oh, she found a bird in the locker room
and had to herd it outside.

[sighs] Sorry I'm late. What'd I miss?

Uh, you can do cartwheels over there.

You're up, Hills.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

- [♪ music swells, stops]
- [group cheering]

Not bad, Bobby.
If you played like that in high school,

we would've had somethin' to work with.

I don't know. I just got lucky.

Well done, Hill Boys.

- Did you hear that?
- Sure did.

Hill Boys! That's us!

- [groaning]
- [whistle blares]

- [Abraham grunts]
- [player] Run!

[grunts]

- [player 2] Go, go, go, go, go!
- [player 3] Yeah!

[♪ "The Natural" theme playing]

[shocked chatter]

How did a vegan learn to do that?

- [♪ music fades out]
- Maybe she got lucky, too.

Mm!

- [♪ upbeat music playing]
- Ooh! Oh yeah!

Shh!

[grunts]

♪

[group cheering]

[♪ music fades out]

My dad used to work here,
so I kinda grew up around football.

You never told me that.

I hate being negative,
and if I talk about my dad,

I end up bitchin' about that
piece-of-sh*t Jerry Jones,

who fired him.

Well, the man has no soul.

He fired the late, great Tom Landry, too.

At least he can't take away my memories.

My favorite moments as a kid
were playin' ball with my dad.

- Well, I know a little bit about that.
- [Bobby slurping]

Hey, Bobby?

Yeah, Dad?

Could we, uh, swap seats,

so I can talk strategy with Willow?

You know this is just
supposed to be fun, right?

Yeah, of course, but with Willow here,

I think we have a shot at winning.

You're not so bad either, Mr. Hill.

You know what? We're teammates now,

so... call me Hank.

[♪ hard rock music playing]

[whistle blares]

[players shouting]

Oh! Oh, my knee!

- [cheering]
- [whistle blares]

♪

[grunts]

[whistle blares]

♪

- [player] Hike!
- [grunts]

[player 2] Go!
Get in there! Get in there!

[grunts]

[players shouting]

- [cheering]
- [whistle blares]

Yes! [chuckles]

- Woo-hoo! Yeah!
- [smacks]

I'm gonna sit the rest of this one out.

[Willow] Alright!

Don't worry, it looks like this guy
and his daughter have us covered.

She's not his--

- [Willow] Yes!
- Never mind.

[♪ dark, suspenseful music playing]

[jogger]
I don't get where they came from.

They thrive in cold climates.

Hm...

The Turners just got back from New York.

- I hear they thrive in hot climates.
- Hm.

Minh was just bragging
about her trip to Fort Worth.

Seems a thrift store was
the outbreak's ground zero.

The Garlands love
buying people's old stuff.

Cheap b*stards.

How's our situation?

I flooded the zone with misinformation.

No one suspects you.

- You're welcome!
- Are you sure? No loose ends?

I will not be a pariah like you, Dale.

Check out the Neighbors App, Sugs.

I've never seen people bein' so mean.

♪

[inhales, exhales]

"This is Peggy Hill.

"We cannot hide behind anonymity.

We have to face each other
like true neighbors."

[phone beeps]

[scratching]

- [phone beeps]
- "Peggy's right. Neighbor 52,

"meet me at the Book Nook at 9:00 p.m.

I am going to kick your a*s."

♪

[phone buzzing]

[door opens]

- [laughter]
- [Willow] Guess who made the playoffs?

Bobby, where'd you go?

I think I pulled something.

[Hank] Get some dang Icy Hot on it!

You don't wanna miss tomorrow.

I'm gonna hit the little boys' showers.

Willow, you have the heart of a warrior.

[Bobby sighs]

I was just tryin' to win.

I know. And I'm glad you're getting along,

but it's kinda like I'm 11 again,

overhearing my dad telling my mom

that I better get better at math
if I'm gonna be so bad at sports.

Which hurt double
'cause I suck at math, too.

I had a lot of issues with my dad, too,

but I can't do anything about that

now that he's back in Mother Earth's womb.

Want my advice?

Talk to Hank while he can still talk back.

[♪ gentle music playing]

[Bobby]
You couldn't resist one more chance

to feel like you went pro, huh?

I did go pro, Bobby.

Pro-pane.

But that's not why I'm in here.

I'm in here because everything hurts.

My dang ears are sore!

I didn't even know that was possible.

[sighs]
I think I might be too old for this.

Nah, Dad. I'm sore every night after work,

and that's just a restaurant.

Don't sell yourself short. You work hard.

Maybe even harder than an athlete.

Get on in here.
Feels good to feel nothing.

- [yelps]
- Well?

[straining] I wanna scream,
but I can't.

Look, Bobby, he's there.

This is my chance to tell him
about the "YoYo Sweep."

♪

You ruined everything.

[♪ espionage music playing]

[soft rapping]

- [Willow grunting]
- [Hank gasps]

[♪ dramatic music plays]

[splat]

[Hank] Bwah!

Uh, maybe she couldn't make it
to the bathroom in time?

Well, that's why people need to eat meat.

It slows the whole process down.

I can explain!

I'd like to hear you try.

After he got fired from the Cowboys,

my dad started ordering
Long Island Iced Teas,

without the ice.

The drinking just got worse from there.

I'm so sorry.

I blamed him my whole life.

But, this weekend, bein' here,

I realized it wasn't his fault.

I blame Jerry Jones!

And now, I feel like this
huge weight has lifted.

More like dropped.

But I'm so sorry if I messed up
Fantasy Camp, Hank.

Well, I'm afraid it's back to Mr. Hill
after what we witnessed.

I don't think we should
come back tomorrow.

I don't think we can ever come back here.

- [♪ foreboding music plays]
- [phone dialing]

[line ringing]

Yeah, it happened again.

[engine humming]

So, uh,

a girl like Willow will definitely
keep you on your toes.

Yeah.

Her balm makes my skin burn,

she says "antidote"
when she means "anecdote,"

and she follows me everywhere!

Also, I'm pretty sure
I'm still in love with Connie.

[♪ gentle music playing]

I have to break up with Willow.

Well, then I'd suggest, uh,
in light of recent events,

- that you do it very carefully.
- I will.

I appreciate you, Dad.

Well, let's not get carried away.
[nervous laugh]

- [overlapping chatter]
- [neighbor] Your dog peed in my garden.

Your husband slept with my wife!

[neighbor]
How is that my fault? I'm just as mad!

Only one of us is well-rested.

The person who gained from our misery.

- [♪ dramatic sting]
- Me?!

He does have a lab in his basement.

See? He released them on purpose!

It was Peggy and her books!

[Dale yelling]

[♪ dramatic crescendo]

Yes! The books gave you bed bugs.
I apologize. But,

they also brought us out of
our houses, face-to-face.

A-And Bill! Bill read half a book.

Half a page.

And Luke Junior

learned the art of seduction.

You read What Color Is Your Parachute

and found your calling.

And I'll need it after the divorce.

The Nook was not just about books!

It was about community.

[bugs chittering]

Oh, dear God! Oh my! Oh help, help!

- What are we gonna do about the bed bugs?
- What we have to do, Nancy.

There is only one surefire way
to k*ll bed bugs.

[neighbors murmuring]

[♪ gentle guitar music playing]

[flame whooshes]

[fire crackling]

Look at it this way.

You definitely brought
the neighborhood together.

Stop trying to make me feel better.

[♪ guitar music and fire crackling plays
over computer speaker]

[alerts beeping]

♪

[♪ "Yahoos and Triangles"
by The Refreshments playing]

- ♪ Yee-haw! ♪
- ♪ Wa-hoo! ♪

[♪ song ends]

[birds chirping]

- [golf club thumps]
- [crowd cheering]

♪

[Hank] I did go pro, Bobby. Pro-pane.

[♪ fanfare playing]