01x03 - Video k*lled the Speed Debate Star

[bunniefuu]

I’ve updated our operating
systems, set up a firewall,

and backed up the systems
to the cloud.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And will I still be able
to upload videos of my cat?

Yep, straight from your phone.

That is why I made you
the president of the AV Club.

It’s like having
my own personal I.T. guy.

Only I get to pay you
in extra bathroom passes.

You know, just between us
two AV Club buddies,

how’s it going
with the new substitute?

Um...

[rock music]

Mr. Finn totally rocks.

Wow. Never heard a student say
that a teacher rocks.

I didn’t mean rocks
like we play rock and roll.

He’s totally a real teacher,
not some weird fake.

You should visit sometime
and see him in action.

Oh boy, look at me gabbing away
like we’re getting manicures.

Well, I appreciate enthusiasm,

and I’m gonna take you up
on that offer.

I’m gonna go drop
in on him right now.

[groans]

[lilting rock music]

♪ ♪

[rock music]

Dude, never mess
with another man’s solo.

Principal Mullins is
on her way.

I forgive you.
Hide everything.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

She’s here.

I’m supposed to be
in her office.

Uh...

[grunts]

Ah, Principal Mullins.

What a wonderful surprise.

We were just stretching.

Mm-hmm.

’Cause I’ve always said,

a stretchy body is the key
to a stretchy mind.

Stretching is
my favorite subject.

Come on, Principal Mullins.

Let’s get loose.

Oh, okay.
Well, I suppose I could.

Crack.

Oh, oh, I heard something snap.

That’s not good.
- Oh, no. No, I’m fine.

No, no, no,
you’re in shock.

Mm-hmm. Walk it off.
- No. Oh, I--

Into the hallway,
then to your office.

- I really--no, I--
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, maybe ice.
- Oh.

Maybe ice.

[sighs]

♪ Stop tellin’ me
to read between the lines ♪

♪ It all adds up
to one thing ♪

Five, four, three,
two, one.

♪ If you think you’re gonna
lose your cool ♪

♪ Well, sometimes you gotta
break the rules ♪

♪ Hey, show me what you know,
give it up to rock ’n’ roll ♪

♪ ’Cause we ain’t
gonna stop ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If you’re feeling like
you’re gettin’ schooled ♪

♪ There’s a answer
right in front of you ♪

♪ Hey, show me what you know,
give it up to rock ’n’ roll ♪

♪ ’Cause we ain’t
gonna stop ♪

- ♪ Hey! ♪
- ♪ Are you ready to rock? ♪

[rock music]

That was a close call.

Guys, we gotta label
the windows.

Has a bush.

Does not have a bush.

We need a better system
for hiding our instruments,

or we can say good-bye
to rocking out.

That is utter
and total nonsense.

It’s a spurious argument

based on faulty logic.
- It is?

Nah, I’m just practicing
for my debate Wednesday.

I actually thought
you made a good point.

How can you think
about debate?

My guitar is on life support.

I have to.

I care about the band,

but being debate captain
is the cornerstone

of my college resume.

That and letters
of recommendation

from my 15 best teachers.

Did you get mine?

Yes, but I really wish
you didn’t write it on a napkin.

What if we did something
like this?

[upbeat music]

There’s an electric eye
outside the door

that sets off a warning bell.

There’s also a pulley system

and reinforced soundproofing.

What does that rainbow do?

It brings joy.

What else do rainbows do?

- Let’s do it.
- Yeah.

Yes.
[Echosmith’s "Come Together"]

♪ We’re gonna
come together now ♪

♪ We are gonna run together ♪

♪ We’re gonna
turn it upside down ♪

♪ ’Cause with the smoke
in the mirror ♪

♪ I can see your face ♪

♪ So let’s run
to the fire escape ♪

♪ Come together ♪

Hey, dude.
What you working on?

Careful, the door’s
spring-loaded.

[scoffs]
That’s never gonna work.

Yeah...

it works.

I’m gonna finish putting up
the soundproofing.

You guys let me know
if you hear anything.

- Cool.
- Okay.

Here we go.

[screaming]

- I’m great at reading lips.
- Mm-hmm.

He’s saying...

"Yay!
I’m happy."

[words silenced]

[yelps]

[rock music]

Okay, I think we’re done.

Let’s test it out.
- Perfect.

I’ll be Principal Mullins.

Why, Mr. Finn,
you’re so handsome.

Have you been working out?

This is getting weird.
Can we just get to the test?

You got it, Zack.

[bell rings]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

This looks like
a normal classroom.

Good work, guys.
all: Yeah!

Okay, I got to go run
to the teachers’ lounge

and replace the hoagie
I took from Mr. Webber’s lunch.

You guys jam for a bit.

When I get back,
we’ll hit the science books.

[mellow rock music]

[bell rings]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Just me. Can you guys
tell I took a bite out of this?

I’ll give it a shot.

[mellow rock music]

[bell rings]

[rock music]

Guys...

Guys.

Hey, guys,
I wanted to apologize

about opening
the door earlier.

Apology not accepted.
Let me out.

I got you, buddy.

[grunts]

I hate that door.

We need more notice when
Principal Mullins is coming.

What if we had a camera
in the hallway?

Great idea.

Lawrence,
you’re the tech wizard.

You could do it.
all: Yeah. Come on.

No way. I’m not much
of a risk taker.

It took two lifeguards
and my mom

to push me down the water slide
at Splash Castle.

You can’t tell me people
don’t pee in those things,

because I did.

Dude, I went right after you.

If Elvis didn’t shake his hips
on the Ed Sullivan Show,

there would be
no rock and roll.

- Yeah.
- Come on, Lawrence, you got it.

Okay, Fine.
I’ll do it for the band.

Just stop that hip-shaky thing.

[rock music]

I’ve never seen
you so stressed out

about a debate before.

I just heard they switched
to speed debate.

What’s speed debate?

Hey, Summer, you ready
to lose at speed debate?

I’m gonna crush you
and be captain of the team.

That’s speed debate.

Well, at least I’ll be bored
for way less time.

And, Summer,
you’ll lose quicker.

I’m gonna say this slowly,
Clark, so you’ll understand me.

I am so going to beat you.

In your dreams.

No, in your dreams. Ha.

I am so going to lose.

[rock music]

- Are you finished yet?
- Stop it.

I don’t work well
under pressure,

or when I’m taking risks,

or when I’m more than
two feet above the ground.

This is a perfect storm.

How do you think I feel?
I’m under the perfect storm.

What’s going on, boys?

Oh, Principal Mullins.

I was just, um--

We’re installing a camera
for the AV Club.

Are those new glasses?
Very flattering.

I don’t remember
approving this.

It’s in conjunction
with the science club.

We’re studying
hallway traffic flow.

Yet somehow
we didn’t see you.

I’d love to have cameras
like this all over,

so I could keep track
of everything from my office.

I could put a camera
in every classroom and monitors

in your office.

That sounds way too hard,
Lawrence.

Yeah. I’m pretty sure it’s
impossible and not a good idea.

It’s easy.

Fantastic. Well, you know,
start with your classroom

’cause I am dying to see one
of Mr. Finn’s magical lectures.

Dude.

I was nervous,
and I’m realizing now

that putting a camera
in a classroom

with a fake teacher
might not be the best idea.

[rock music]

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, Mr. Finn.

And I’m teaching,
teaching, teaching.

You all furiously take notes.

I say something
that blows your minds,

and you all erupt in applause.

Lawrence, if I wasn’t
on camera right now,

I’d be on my knees begging you

to stop
volunteering extra stuff

every time you get nervous.

I can’t help it.

I’m a blurter.

Yes, Tomika.

With that camera in here,

we’re never going
to get to practice,

and there’s even more of a
chance Mr. Finn will get fired.

Correct.

Oh, hey, Principal Mullins.

This day just gets
better and better.

Well, don’t mind me.
I just saw your lecture

on Lawrence’s wonderful camera,

and I had to hear for myself.

Oh. Well, we were just
discussing historical stuff,

things that happened in history,

and the dates when they
happened, historically.

Well, pretend I’m not here.

I would watch from my office
if the camera had sound.

They do. You just
have to flip one switch.

Why?

So, Vikings,

they had beards and...

mustaches and...

hats with horns.

They fought in the battle of--
[coughs and mutters]

Let me point it out to you
over here on this map of--

[coughs]

[bell rings]

Oh, thank God--

for the opportunity
to bestow wisdom

in this great school
with cameras everywhere

that I’m totally cool with.

[rock music]

I can’t do this.

They expect me to stand
in front of a classroom

and just know things
and make sense for hours?

What kind of a job is that?

Teaching.

Well, it’s insane.

Might as well say good-bye
to Battle of the Bands.

I’ll be fired
by the end of the day.

There’s got to be a way
to fix this.

Well...

Never mind.

You have an idea.

No, I don’t. Ideas are risky.

Not as risky
as not telling us.

That sounds like a threat.

Does it?

Okay, fine.
It’s a tape loop.

We film Mr. Finn teaching us
a brilliant class

and get the footage to play
on Principal Mullins’ monitor

over and over.

Oh, so every time she looks,
she sees us working.

Meanwhile, we’re rocking out.

We’ll sh**t it after school.

Awesome idea, Lawrence.

I do not feel good about it.

[rock music]

13.8 billion years ago,

all space was contained
in a single point

from which the universe
has been expanding ever since.

The moment the universe
began expanding,

we call the big bag.

Big Bang.

Cut.

And scientists call that

the big butt theory.

Cut.

Scientists call this...

- [mouthing]
- The Big Bang theory.

[all whispering]
Yes.

I got it right.

- Yeah, not bad for take 73.
- Right?

Now let’s get this footage
into Principal Mullins’ server.

Wait...can I do one more
with a British accent?

all: No.

[rock music]

Summer, what’s up?

Stupid speed debate.

Oh, uh, I was just
trying to be polite.

All right, I guess we’re
doing this now.

I have to win
the debate tomorrow,

or Clark will become captain,

and I will never hear
the end of it.

But I can’t talk fast,
I mean, at all.

I’ve tried everything I could
think of and nothing’s wor--

Mr. Finn.

Sorry.

I figured I could get my coffee

and you’d still be going
when I got back.

Forget it.

Don’t worry.

I actually have an awesome idea

that will make you
the queen of speed debate.

If you want to flow,
you just have to feel the beat.

Check out how fast
these guys rap.

[instrumental rap music]
- [chuckles]

Yeah. Now try some
of your debating.

♪ America is a melting pot ♪

♪ 98% of Americans are either
immigrants or the descendents ♪

♪ Yeah so why don’t we
allow foreign-born citizens ♪

♪To serve as the President ♪
♪ Uh, uh ♪

- Word up
- ♪ Why, indeed, yo ♪

♪ Why would we exclude
potentially great candidates ♪

♪ For the most important job
there is? Yeah boy ♪

♪ Go President ♪
♪ Go President ♪

The explicit formula
for the Fibonacci sequence.

Fibonacci?

Guy is good.

This is my favorite equation
of all time.

♪ Samantha Power
Henry Kissinger ♪

♪And Madeleine Albright ♪

♪ Arnold Schwarzenegger
Alexander Hamilton ♪

♪ That’s right ♪

♪ None of them born
in the states ♪

♪ None could be President
and that’s an undeniable shame ♪

Yeah.
[all cheering]

Nice.

You got this, Summer.

Yeah, just imagine that groove

in your head at your debate,
and you’re golden.

Thank you, Mr. Finn.

I really learned
a lot from you.

Wow, I never thought
I’d say that.

Lawrence,
you sure Principal Mullins

can’t see or hear us?

Absolutely. This is
what she sees in her office.

You already know
that the Fibonacci sequence--

[grunting]

If we fight
like space monsters,

we’ll die like space monsters.

What was that?

Looked like a scene
from Dr. Timewarp to me.

Yeah, but you
were Dr. Timewarp.

Well, whoever it was,

I think we can all agree.
He nailed it.

Did Principal Mullins
see that?

If she was in her office,
she did.

[groans indistinctly]
Lawrence.

Something must have
gone wrong.

Maybe someone’s
private video footage

got mixed into the tape loop.

But since we don’t know
who that Dr. Timewarp was,

it will remain a mystery.

It was you.

That’s one theory.

[rock music]

Oh. Where’d you
just come from?

What? I was using
the bath--the facilities.

That’s great news.

She didn’t see it.
- Oh, we’re good.

Do you people understand
the concept of a tape loop?

She’ll see it when it comes on
again in a couple hours.

Mr. Finn’ll get fired,
the band will be over,

and I’ll be kicked
out of the AV Club.

This is why I don’t take risks.

Can’t you just
fix it on your laptop?

You’d have to do that

from the server
in Principal Mullins’ office.

We can’t depend on her going
to the bathroom again.

I’ve got it. She’s the debate
coach, so in an hour,

she’ll be in the quad,
naming me the new captain

of the debate team.

Yeah.

That’s when we’ll move.

Ready? Go.

Wait, did you say an hour?

Yeah.

Let’s do it.

In an hour.

Right.

[rock music]

Guys, I’m really
uncomfortable being here.

This is a huge risk,

and every risk
I’ve taken lately has backfired.

Relax. All you have
to do is be lookout.

Chill, dude.
We got this.

If we fight like
space monsters,

we’ll die like space monsters.

Die like space monsters.
- Maybe we don’t got this.

You made it worse.

You’re never going to be done

before Principal Mullins
gets back from debate.

Hang on. I’m gonna
go buy us some more time.

Man, you’re really taking it
to that teddy bear, buddy.

[grunting]

The American presidency
is the most important job

in our country, and therefore,
who can be President

must be restricted
to natural-born citizens.

Americans are capable of--
- Hey, have you gone yet?

No, I’m the last one,
but I’m up next.

By the time I’m done, Clark’s
going to be speed crying.

Great, good luck.

One little thing, we need
more time to fix the loop,

so it’d be great if you
could talk really slowly.

- It’s speed debate.
- I’m sorry.

I know how important
this is to you,

but the band needs this.

But the debate team
is so important to me,

and I’ve worked so hard.
On the other hand,

I love the band,
and it affects more people

than just me.
- What are you doing?

I’m speed debating myself.

- How is that going for you?
- I don’t know.

Both of me are making
excellent points.

There is no finer product

than the one that was
made in America,

and that’s where I want
our presidents to be made,

right here in the good old
US of A.

[applause]

Very good, Clark.

Not only did you speak quickly,

but there was
very little spittle.

Bravo.

Uh, Summer, you’re next.

America...

[sighs]

is...

a...

melting...

pot.

All right, I’m out of ideas.

I’m just gonna have to fix
this like my dad fixes the TV,

bang the snot out of it
and yell, "Come on, work."

No.

[sighs]
All you have to do

is plug this into this,

hit this button,
sync the feed,

and hit Control+Enter.

A baby could do it.

Well, a baby can’t make toast,

but I can.

But you did it.

Huh. I did, didn’t I?

Mm?
- Hmm.

As...

the world’s...

increasingly--

A part of me feels
bad for Summer,

but a much larger part
of me feels great for me.

I was just punching the part
of you that was being a jerk.

Becomes...

an international...

community.

♪ There’s no reason our leaders
shouldn’t be international ♪

♪ Samantha Power
Henry Kissinger ♪

♪ And Madeleine Albright
Arnold Schwarzenegger ♪

♪ Alexander Hamilton
That’s right ♪

♪ Oh, did I mention Harry Styles
from One Direction ♪

♪ None could be President
if we had an election ♪

♪ and that’s
an undeniable shame ♪

♪ Boom ♪

[applause]

I think we’ve found
our new captain.

Yes.

That was a close call.

I think we need a permanent
solution to those cameras.

Leave it to me.

I got this.

[electronic music]
[all giggling]

Hello, kids.

♪ ♪

Oh, hello, girls.

♪ ♪

[gasps]

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh--
Oh, back off.

You got it,
Principal Mullins.

Thank you.

Oh, and um...

do you know of any way
to get a video

off of the Internet?

I’ll let you drive
the security golf cart.

I wish I could,
but that’s impossible.

That is unfortunate.

Okay.

Maybe.

I also maybe hid a camera

inside the smoke detector,

so we’ll see her coming
even after

I take the other cameras down.

Dude, that’s pretty risky.

That’s rock and roll.