This programme contains
some strong language
and adult humour from the start.
SHE LAUGHS
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown
# Our Mrs Brown. #
No, I can't make it out.
Everything looks like
just a dead Chihuahua to me.
Wait till I get some light.
You won't need a light.
Sure the sun shines
out of my arse. Ha!
Don't believe your mother.
Oh, hello! And season's greetings.
I'll be with you in a second.
I'm just going deep into the forest
to check something.
Mammy! What the hell are you doing?
Oh, Cathy, good girl.
Dr Flynn is on the phone. Tell him
I'll be with him in a minute.
I'm just checking something for him.
Hello, Dr Flynn?
Yes. Er, she said
she's just checking something.
And I can't make anything out.
Oh! Hot, hot! Hot!
Shut up, ya big cissy. Uh-oh!
HUGE FART
Grandad, you blew out
the fecking candle.
Sorry.
Dr Flynn wants to know,
what are you checking?
Dr Flynn asked me to check
if Grandad's testicles
had gone black yet.
No, Mammy, he asked you to check
if Grandad's test results
had come back yet.
Well, tell him the postman
hasn't come yet.
I'll get her to call you
later, Dr Flynn.
Cathy, take him into his bedroom.
Come on.
And you might think about shaving...
..Cathy.
Well, I could have done
without that.
In fact, I could have done
without this whole year.
Everybody in February
was raving about Covid-19.
Nobody talked about
the 18 Covids before that.
And then people started panicking.
Before you knew it, the shelves
in the shops were empty.
What were people thinking?
The man on the television said,
"We're going to have a pandemic."
And the next thing, people are
going, "Pandemic?! Oh, my God!
"How will I wipe my arse?"
SHE LAUGHS
Madness.
Rory and Dino decided
that they wanted to get their own
brand of hairdryer on the market.
The Wash And Blow Dryer.
Where did they go to get it made?
Wuhan in China! Yeah. They're still
there, and they can't get back.
Poor Grandad had to isolate himself
in his bedroom for two weeks.
He lost seven pounds.
All I fed him during the two weeks
was cream crackers and cheese.
It's the only thing
that would fit under the door!
SHE LAUGHS
What's funny?
Nothing, Cathy. Sit down.
Do you want a cup of tea?
Yes, please.
Hello, Winnie. Hello, Agnes.
Is the weather bad out there?
VOICE MUFFLED
Yeah. No, Winnie, in the script
it says mumble, not f*ck' mime.
Here. Take that off ya.
Go on, take it off ya and sit down.
Mammy, why is Winnie wearing that?
You don't have to cover up now
for your next-door neighbour.
Don't tell her.
I get great fun walking around
the supermarket with Buzz Aldrin.
Sit down, Winnie. Thanks, love.
Do you want tea?
Oh, yes, please.
Ah, for f*ck's sake.
You look tired, pet. Why wouldn't
I be? I had Jim this morning.
Mm. And how is Jim?
The happiest milkman in Finglas.
Ah, lovely. Here, any news
from Rory and Dino?
Oh, just the usual weekly FeckFace.
"FaceTime." Whatever!
Well, I hope they don't
get the virus.
Get it? Winnie, they probably
buckin' started it.
Do you think so?
No!
Any news your end? Oh, yeah,
Sharon went to see a dietician.
Oh, good for her.
So, what did the dietician say?
Well... she said he said
she could eat anytn...
..anything other than... tomatoes.
Do you want to try that again?
She said he said...
No, wait. Now.
She said he said she could eat
anything... except tomatoes.
You're doing it. You're getting...
You're getting so f*ck' close.
Come on, come on!
She said... Yes?
..he said... Yes.
..she could eat anything...
Yes?
..except tomatoes.
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
But Sharon doesn't like tomatoes.
I know. Wasn't that lucky?
I'm going over to see her.
See you later.
Cheers, pet. See ya, chicken.
You know, I really missed you
during the lockdown, Winnie.
I missed you, too, Agnes. Hm.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Could I borrow a couple
of toilet rolls off ya, love?
Winnie, I swear to God,
if I had some I'd give them to ya.
What did you do to amuse yourself
during the lockdown?
Well, I did a jigsaw...
Yeah? ..I did some knitting...
Mm-hm.
..and I ran out of stuff
to watch on the telly.
I know, I know!
So many feckin' repeats.
# Stuff the turkey's arse with holly
# Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la! #
Yeah, there.
TREE COUGHS
God bless ya.
That wasn't me, Winnie.
Hiya, Mrs McGoogan.
Ah, hello, boys. Just us, Ma.
And me, Buster, Mrs Brown.
Buster, I already said, "Us". Who
did you think I was talking about?
I thought you were talking
about you, Dermo.
If it was just me,
why would I say, "Us"?
Well, you have put on
a bit of weight, Dermo.
What? Just kidding.
Hello, son. Ah!
Oh, no, no, no. No.
Come on.
Busy day? Busy enough.
Just making people aware, you know.
Yeah, he's a syringe,
I'm the vaccine. No, son,
he's a syringe
and you're the buckin' disease!
Buster...
Buster! I'm only joking.
Now, get that sad face off ya
or Santa Claus won't come.
What are you hoping to get
this Christmas, Buster?
An STD.
A HDTV, Buster!
Oh, thank God.
That's why the Santa
in the shopping centre barred me!
No way!
So, Buster, what did you do to amuse
yourself during the lockdown?
I read a book. By Shakespeare.
Oh! Which one?
Er...
..William, I think.
Right, we'd better head back.
Oh, Mrs Brown, watch out
for Knicky Knacky Dicky.
Oh, I heard about this.
What's Knicky Knacky Dicky?
Not "what", "who". Yeah.
There's a fella going round the
estate knocking on women's doors,
but before they open the door
he's sticking his willy
through the letterbox. No way!
Oh, my God!
Did they get a description?
Er...
Of the man!
Nope, nobody's seen him.
Not his face, anyway.
See yas.
Sharon thinks she recognised him.
She saw his face?
No.
Anyway, I'd better go,
have a shower. Right...
Agnes? What, Winnie? Could I
scrounge some biscuits off ya?
Don't go near the cupboard, Winnie!
Winnie, that's all the biscuits
I have to do me now.
I don't have any spare.
OK, love.
Oh!
Buster's serious about
that Knicky Knacky Dicky.
You watch out for him, Agnes.
I will.
Oh, I will!
Mm.
# Silent night
# Holy night... #
LETTERBOX RATTLES
TREE COUGHS
Shh. God bless you.
LETTERBOX RATTLES
Go on, put your willy
in the letterbox, I dare ya.
I'll bite it off.
Hello, Father.
Are you OK, Mrs Brown?
Yes. No, I thought you were...
that you... stick the...
..in the... in the...
Come in, Father, come in.
Ha! A mask.
Very good. Very inventive.
Well...
I bet these light up
or something, do they?
No, Father, no. Christmas trees
are like priests. You know,
the ba*ls are just for decoration.
Tea, Father? I will, please.
TREE COUGHS
God bless.
Well, Father, if you're looking
for Trevor, you're out of luck.
He's not in this episode.
No, I just popped in
to see how you and Grandad are.
Oh, we're getting by. How did you
manage during the lockdown?
Grand, we got through it.
Mrs Brown, could you help me out?
Certainly, Father,
just go through that door,
through the garden gate and then
straight on to the main road.
What's that, Father?
Oh! It's the post.
I met the postman outside
and I offered to bring them in.
Thank you very much. You said you
want me to help you with something?
Just advice. Well, if I can.
You have a way of
commanding attention, Mrs Brown.
Oh, Father, now...
Well, yeah.
I'm having trouble communicating
with the parishioners.
Ah, parishioners, yeah, yeah.
When I'm trying to deliver
the word of the Lord... Yeah.
..I don't feel I'm getting
the message across
and they don't listen to me.
Look at that, Father.
Left the price on the back of
the card. How thoughtless is that?
I'm sorry, what were you mumbling?
That I can't really
get across the word.
Crosswords? I love crosswords.
I'm very good at them, too.
Hiya, Mammy. Hello, Cathy.
Hello, Father. Hiya.
Oh, Father Damien's having trouble
with his crossword.
Really? What's the clue? No, no, no.
I'm having trouble delivering
the word of the Lord.
How many letters? About 12.
"Delivering the word," 12 letters.
No, no, communication.
No. Too many letters.
Oh, most of them are for me,
so you needn't worry.
The clue! Let me think, Father.
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Buster!
Hiya. Hello, Cathy!
Hello, Buster. All right, Father?
There you go, Mrs Brown.
Thank you, son.
Buster, here's a crossword clue
for you.
Ah, Mammy, don't embarrass him.
Don't be so fecking
condescending, Cathy.
Buster, "Delivering the word
of the Lord," 12 letters.
Ah, it's easy.
G-A-L-L-A-B-O-U-T-E-V-E.
Gallabouteve.
It means "biblical epic".
- See ya later.
- AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
Ah, one for me, one for me,
one for you, one for me, one for me,
another one for you, one for me...
No, hold on. Go back.
That's not for you.
That one's for me.
I beg your pardon, Cathy.
I think you'll find, if it says
"Mrs Brown", that's for me.
I am Mrs Brown.
Oh, you are Mrs Brown.
But that says M-S.
Ms Brown. I am Ms Brown.
I think you'll find that unless it
says M-S Cathy Brown, pacifically...
..cos you're a spinster...
..then it's for me.
I think Cathy might be right.
Oh, I think you're in company here,
Father, not conversation.
Oh, right.
Well, I think you'll find it's in
my possession now and that's that.
That girl has no respect. Can I get
back to what I was saying about
trying to really get my message
across this Christmas?
Yes, Father.
Look, what you need to do is...
Hiyas. Hello, girls.
Hello, Maria, hello, Barbara.
Oh, wait a minute, back, back.
Get back. Back off.
Father, you have to go.
Go? But why?
New production rules.
Only four in a scene.
Out.
Cathy, show him out.
See ya, Father Damien.
Thanks for dropping in.
Enjoyed the chat.
Nice man.
Mrs Brown, it's Christmas,
that rule doesn't apply any more.
- I know, but he doesn't know that.
- SHE LAUGHS
Mrs Brown? Yes? I know you booked
an appointment for me
to style your hair for Christmas.
Yes, Friday, two o'clock.
Well, Barbara's worried,
and to be honest, she's right to.
What are you saying? I'm going to
do your hair here in the house.
The salon is packed and we don't
want to take any chances. Chances?
You know, with you
in the high-risk category.
Me? High risk? Primio risko?
Or as they say in Russia...
..hhharhhhumtunkh.
You know, people with
pre-existing conditions and...
..the elderly.
I see, Barbara.
And what exactly would my...
.."pre-existing condition" be?
Medications. You're on
a lot of medications.
And they say, if you're on them,
that you should take extra care.
Exactly, medications.
SHE MOUTHS
I suppose.
Right, Barbara, let's go.
See ya. See yas. See ya Friday.
Mammy, sit down. What's up?
What do you know about
a competition in the Radio Times?
I don't know anything about any...
Oh, wait a minute.
There was a competition
that Winnie had in a magazine,
and she said the two of us
should enter, for the craic.
And what was it for?
The BBC have decided that,
after the Queen's Christmas message,
that a member of the public
should deliver a Christmas message,
and whoever wins the competition
gets to do it.
Why do you want to know?
You've only won it.
f*ck off!
You are kidding me!
Oh, Cathy, we only entered for fun.
Winnie! Hiya, Cathy, love!
Hiya, Mrs McGoogan. Hi, what's up?
Winnie, do you remember that
competition you got us to enter?
Oh... Oh, the one about the
Queen's message? Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, I do. Yes. To be honest, Agnes,
I bought 50 of them magazines
and I entered it 50 times. Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
It means that much to you?
Yeah!
I've prayed and prayed
to St Anthony, St Jude,
St Ronaldo... He's not a saint.
..every night,
asking, "Oh, please, please,
PLEASE let me win."
It would make my whole year.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
Anyway, why are you asking?
I just...
I was just wondering if you'd heard
anything from them.
No, nothing as yet.
They're probably leaving it
till the last minute,
you know, to keep it a secret.
Yeah, secret. Yeah, probably.
Anyway, I just came over to see
if you're coming to Foley's tonight.
I don't know, Winnie.
The restrictions drive me mad.
Ah, Agnes, come on. It'll be fun.
They sell drink, don't they?
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be there.
I'll see ya later, love.
See ya, Winnie, see ya. Bye!
See ya, Winnie!
And how are you going to tell her?
I don't know. I'll think about it.
Well, you'd better think fast.
The longer you leave it,
the worse it's going to be.
I didn't even... want to enter
the feckin' thing.
POSH VOICE: Well, hello...
..hhhordinary people!
NORMAL VOICE: I'd be feckin' good
at this.
Back away. Back away, Sharon.
Thank you.
Hiya, Winnie.
How are ya, love?
Back off. Keep your distance.
Here you go.
Ah, cheers, pet. That's lovely.
Are they still doing
that social-distance thing?
Leave them alone.
It's great craic watching them.
Agnes, do you know what
I was thinking about today? What?
You see them guide dogs?
What about them?
Well, who picks up their sh*t?
Some things change,
some things never change.
Lily Cunningham is 104 tomorrow.
We'll see.
Winnie, see this competition?
My one, the Queen's Speech? Yeah.
I told ya, Agnes,
I haven't heard anything yet,
but fingers crossed, eh?
Oh, I don't know
what I'm going to wear.
Mother of God, she's not going
to make it easy for me, is she?
Crisps, pet?
In a minute, Winnie.
Winnie, I heard from them.
They sent me a letter.
I won it.
When? Today.
But I was in your house twice today,
and you never said anything to me.
I know.
Winnie...
Back off, Agnes Brown...
..you... you speech stealer!
BANG!
Some friend!
AUDIENCE: Aw!
What do you think, Maria? Super job.
Dino couldn't have done better.
Well done!
DOORBELL RINGS
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Back off the door.
If there's a willy
coming through that letterbox,
- it'll be addressed to me.
- SHE LAUGHS
I'm ready.
Hello, Father. Well, do come in.
Post. Oh, you've become
a regular Postman Pat, Father.
Hi, Father Damien.
Wait a minute.
Barbara?
Out.
THEY MOUTH
Here, hang on, Barbara,
I'll go with ya.
Oh, good shot. Two for one.
So, you said you wanted
to see me, Mrs Brown.
Yes, Father. You were saying
that you're having a problem getting
across your Christmas message. Yes.
Do you have a solution? I think so.
The Queen thing gave me an idea.
"Queen thing"?
Ach, never mind, Father.
Father, what you need to do
is get a member of the community
to give the sermon on Christmas Day.
Great idea. But who?
Well, it has to be somebody who's,
you know, who'd be listened to,
who's respected, somebody who's,
you know, pleasing to the eye...
..somebody who the communicants
really like...
..somebody who's modest.
Where's my light?
Thank you.
And somebody who'd be...
a good speaker.
True. But... do you know
anyone like that?
Well, Father, I'm not available,
and apparently
Boutros Boutros-Ghali has retired.
So there's your person.
You're absolutely right.
I think so. Thank you, Mrs Brown.
SHE LAUGHS
Good luck, Father.
You're not going to tell me the name
you gave Father Damien, are you?
No.
Get in here. Sit down.
Hello, Winnie.
What's going on?
Mammy has something she wants
to say to your mammy, Cathy.
Go on, Mammy.
I'm sorry, Agnes. I shouldn't have
reacted the way I did.
You deserve it. Oh, Winnie!
How humiliating for you.
You must feel so small.
But you're right, I do deserve it.
Well, you're not getting it.
Cathy, don't stop me now.
I'M not. They are.
"It was always meant that whomever
gives the Christmas Day address
"should be resident
within the Commonwealth."
You've been disqualified.
That's great!
I mean, no way!
Finglas is not in the Commonwealth?
I'll see ya later, Cathy.
Come on, you. Right.
Oh, Agnes, are you coming to Foley's
tonight for the karaoke?
I don't know, Winnie. People tend
to get very emotional when I sing.
Ah, come on, Agnes, it'll be fun.
Of course I'll be there.
OK. And, Winnie?
Yes, love?
WINNIE GASPS
AUDIENCE: Aw! Agnes, I...
I... Just take it. I'll do without.
Thanks, love.
See ya at the karaoke. Yeah.
AGNES LAUGHS
You really wanted to give
that speech, didn't ya, Mammy?
Honestly?
Yes.
I just thought
it would cheer me up. Yeah.
But I don't know what
it would have done for the Queen!
Oh...
"Somebody who's never had sex."
Something I, something G...
..something something.
Oh, yeah, course.
Ginger.
Hello, son. Hey, Ma.
What's wrong with him?
Don't mind him.
He reminds me of your father
after sex!
So I've been told.
I was usually asleep.
TMI. Oh, who's TMI?
Tommy, is it? What's wrong with him?
I dunno! He got a call in the car
and he's been like that since.
Buster? Buster!
What's wrong?
I have a gig for Christmas Day.
Really? Doing what?
Father Damien's after asking me
to give the Christmas sermon.
That's a great idea.
Good luck with that.
You'll be brilliant.
I better get writing something,
then.
Who's the baby's father again?
Joseph.
No, seriously, come on, who?
BOTH: Joseph!
OK.
It was Joseph, wasn't it?
My God, where's he off to?
Bible study, I hope.
So, Dermot, did you tell her?
No. Tell me what?
I believe you entered
a contest to address
the nation in answer
to the Queen's address.
I was disqualified.
Apparently, Finglas is not in the
Credit Union, so I'm not doing it.
Oh, yes, you are.
I don't think so, Dermot.
Ma, I'm going to set up
a camera here in the house.
You're going to do your address
and we're going to put it
on the internet.
And we are going to give you
a makeover.
Me, a makeover? Why? What's wrong
with me? Where do I start?!
No, Mrs Brown, we're going
to do you up like the Queen.
Freddie Mercury?!
No, THE Queen. Oh, THE Queen.
Right, you lot, let's get down
to the karaoke. You coming, Ma?
Yeah, yeah. Yes, I am, but you
go on, I'll follow yas down.
ALL: See ya.
See yas.
THE Queen?
SHE LAUGHS
So, this is Christmas 2020.
I think that we can all agree
that this year has been...
What's the word I'm looking for?
..sh*t.
But, you know, every cloud
has a silver lining.
I haven't been able to hug
my grandchildren for ages,
but they FaceTimed me every day,
so I actually saw more of them
than I ever did.
We discovered new heroes in our
lives - doctors, nurses, porters,
truck drivers, cleaners, delivery
people and supermarket crews,
people I used to take for granted.
I hope I never do again.
And television. Where would
we have been without the TV?
You know, we were all determined
to make this show this year.
Nothing would stop us, because
in the middle of all the chaos
and hurly-burly that's come at us,
this year we need a... a laugh.
I wish we could give
this whole year a makeover,
though we all learned a little bit
about ourselves this year.
Some rediscovered
the importance of family.
Me and Winnie realised
we really are best friends.
Cathy and Maria remembered why
they went into the health service
in the first place.
And Sharon? She was shocked how
expensive batteries are for her...
..personal electronics.
You know, her...
SHE BUZZES
It's been tough.
Some days, instead of going forward,
it felt like we were swimming
through porridge.
Speaking of porridge,
Ronnie Barker! Now there's a man
that could make me laugh!
Thank God for comedy.
Whether it's Jimmy Carr
or Catherine Tate
or Michael McIntyre,
Lee Mack's Not Going Out,
Two Doors Down or Derry Girls,
comedy will always give us a lift.
You can be sure of it.
When times are tough...
MUSIC STARTS
..we'll stand by you.
# Oh...
# Why you look so sad?
# The tears are in your eyes
# Come on and come to me now
# And don't...
# ..be ashamed to cry
# Let me see you through
# Cos I've seen the dark side too
# When the night falls on you
# You don't know what to do
# Nothing you confess
# Could make me love you less
ALL: We'll stand by you
# We'll stand by you
# Won't let nobody hurt you
# We'll stand by you
# We'll stand by you
# Won't let nobody hurt you
# We'll stand by you
# Take me into your darkest hour
# And we'll never desert you
# We'll stand by you
# We'll stand by you
# Won't let nobody hurt you
# We'll stand by you
# Take me into your darkest hour
# And we'll never desert you
# We'll stand by you. #
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS
Goodnight, merry Christmas
and a very happy new year.
Let me know
when you're ready to go, Dermot.
It's running. Oh, no. Where?
The camera is running.
It's recording!
Ah, Dermot, for God's sake,
you never told me! I'm not ready.
Go!
POSH VOICE: How do you do?
Feck you, anyway.
I would firstly like
to thank Her Majesty
for a wonderful Christmas greeting.
It was a wonderful impersonation
of Olivia Colman.
I remember some years ago,
Your Majesty, when you had
your "an*s horriblis".
Well, this year has been
an an*s horriblis for all of us,
but you, Your Majesty, you were
perfectly wonderful through it all.
I am privileged
to address the nation
or, as they are called,
the "people-us horribilis".
But it was actually my best friend,
Winnie McGoogan,
who made it possible.
Say hello, Winnie.
Your Majesty,
and the people of the world,
let me...
CRASH!
Thanks, Winnie. Sorry.
So, where was I?
Oh, yes.
People of Ireland...
and Great Britain...
..and Isle of Man...
Why is that light flashing?
The battery's going. Hurry it up.
I just want to say well done
to Liverpool FC on winning
the Premiership, Dublin on winning
the All-Ireland,
congratulations to Lewis Hamilton,
Katie Taylor, Shane Lowry,
Rory McIlroy, St Helens,
Arsenal and Peter Wright -
all champions.
And to Andy Murray, well done, son,
on a brave comeback.
And to you, Your Majesty,
I hope in 2021
your an*s...
# Our Mrs Brown. #
SHE LAUGHS
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