02x09 - Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Honey

[bunniefuu]

Hey, what's all this stuff?

I'm giving it to the shelter for Thanksgiving.

Angie, I don't mind you helping the homeless,

but don't give them all my good stuff.

Look, homestyle soups only make them sad.

What?

Hey, George.

Hey, Angie.

Hey, Ernie.

What do you got there, Ernie?

Where's your mom?

It's a full moon, so she's probably out in the yard

combing her face.

George, George, I found something here you gotta see.

I was at work moving those old boxes like you asked,

and I came across your mom's personnel file.

Hey, man, you're not supposed to look at that.

That's confidential.

Yeah, I know, so keep it to yourself.

In 1965, she was written up for dating this other employee.

How should I put this?

She was found in the break room

with her landing gear up and her flaps down.

This couldn't have happened in 1965.

I was born in 65.

My mom was with my dad.

She was also seeing this other guy, Lalo Montenegro.

I looked up his file, and I got this picture of him.

Hmm. He looks kind of familiar.

He should. He's got George's eyes, George's hair, George's nose.

What are you saying, Ernie?

This write-up was in March of 65.

You were born nine months later.

Mom! Mom!

What?

Remember this guy?

Lalo the Palo Montenegro.

Where did you get this?

At work. You were written up for dating him

at the same time you were with Dad.

Oh, for crap's sake.

Lalo and I were just good friends.

It was right before Manny and I were gonna get married.

We were fighting all the time.

I turned to Lalo for comfort.

We never once...

Oh.

Oh, what?

Well, there was this one night I got real mad at your dad for coming home drunk.

I grabbed a bottle of tequila and ran over to Lalo's.

And then we sort of snuck into the factory.

We ended up fooling around on the manager's desk.

I eat off that desk!

And then somehow we ended up in the break room,

and I remember we were crashing into chairs, rolling on the ground,

and then I was lifted up onto something.

Okay, Mom.

Did you sleep with him?

No.

I don't think so.

Oh.

I don't remember.

It was a big bottle of tequila.

Well, I think you did.

Because this guy's got my eyes, my hair, and my nose.

This is crazy.

Manny's your dad.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Let me see that.

Okay.

Tell me.

Lalo, Manny.

Manny, Lalo.

Huh.

Forget it. I find Lalo and that's what I find.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

A mother knows the father of her own baby.

So who is it then?

One potato, two potatoes.

Oh, get lunch.

Look, man, the sign says no solicitors.

Let's go. George, George!

Come on, man. This could be your dad.

And you look so nice.

He's gonna be so proud of his handsome, successful boy.

The boy he never knew.

I can't!

That's why Angie didn't come.

She gets all emotional. She starts crying.

Her T-shirt gets wet.

Angie should have come.

Yes?

Are you Lalo Montenegro?

Yeah.

Did you work at Powers Aviation?

Yeah, about 30 years ago.

Do you remember a woman named Benita Lopez?

Breakroom Benny?

Oh.

Yeah, I remember her.

Uh, what's this all about?

Well, I'm Benita's son, George,

and this may come as a shock to you,

but I think you could be my father.

What do we have here? Oh, two studs and me with no hammer.

Uh, I'd like you to meet Charles.

Oh, I think there's been a mistake. I was looking for my dad.

Well, we were looking to adopt, but we were hoping for something smaller.

Hey, look, let's not stand on here. Come on in, please.

I can't believe you're Benny's son.

God, look at all that hair. I hate you.

Have a seat, everyone. Sit down.

So, what makes you think I'm your father?

Well, around the time I was conceived,

my mom was fighting with a guy I thought was my dad,

and she said one night after work,

you guys got together and, uh, you know...

So...

Ernie got your picture from the file,

and we, uh, we tracked you down.

Sweet bird of youth.

That was beautiful. I'd do me.

So, uh, did your mother tell you exactly what happened that night?

Well, she said you guys were drinking and that you lifted her onto something,

but now I'm starting to think maybe she lifted you onto something.

Oh, my.

We can't possibly have this discussion on empty stomachs.

Bruchetta, bruchetta, bruchetta.

You know, you go into too much trouble.

This is stupid.

Obviously, nothing happened.

You know, I'm just reaching, man,

because I'm trying to find my father.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Oh, could we take the bruschetta to go?

What's in the book there?

Oh, my wife made this in case this worked out.

It's a little photo album.

Can I see it?

Yeah.

See, that's my wife Angie,

and that's my kids, Carmen and Max.

Oh, God, they're adorable.

What's this big ear here?

Oh, that's me.

My head didn't fit in the frame.

God, you're a lucky man, George, you know.

I always wanted a family.

It's true.

He never stops talking about it.

You know, I wasn't as drunk as Benny was that night.

I do remember what happened.

You could definitely be my son.

Are you okay?

Man, this is a trip.

I don't get it.

I was young. I was confused.

I didn't know whether I liked men or women at that point,

and, well, Benny seemed to be the best of both worlds.

You know what? I knew it.

The moment I saw the picture, I knew it was you.

Man, I've been wanting to do this my whole life.

This must be a big moment for you too, huh?

How long have you and George been together?

Since the second grade.

It's about time you took the trip to Vermont and made it official.

Yeah, okay.

Road trip!

All my friends know the lowrider.

The lowrider is a little higher.

Hey, hope you're hungry.

I brought you some bruschetta.

It's fabulous.

I don't want to hear about bruschetta.

I want to hear about Lalo.

Did you meet him?

Yes, and he was with my mom,

and I think he's my dad,

and his life partner, Charles,

made me this bruschetta.

All right, go back.

Angie Lalo's incredible.

He's this great guy.

He's sensitive.

He's g*y.

He wants me, and I'm so happy.

I don't care how that sounds.

Oh, buddy.

I hope it's okay I invited Lalo and Charles over for Thanksgiving.

I'm so happy for you.

I told you your mom could turn a man.

I gotta tell the kids I found their grandpa.

Carmen, Max, get down here!

You know you have to explain about his partner, Charles, too.

Oh, take your time, kids!

What's up?

I got some great news and some interesting news.

I think I found your grandpa.

Really?

I might have even found you two grandpas!

What?

Let me explain.

It turns out this guy, Lalo Montenegro,

is your real grandfather.

And he's coming over for Thanksgiving

with Grandpa Charles,

who would normally be Grandma Charles.

He's kind of...

He's kind of like a man-grandma.

Like a man-ma.

Wow, Mom!

Are you a parking ticket?

Because you got fine, fine, fine written all over you, sh*t.

Hey, come on. Get off my back. It's just a dress.

And I haven't seen Lalo or his balo in a while.

I'll get it.

Mom, no matter what dress you're wearing,

I don't think Lalo or his balo are going to notice.

He found his soulmate.

Hi, I'm Angie. Nice to meet you.

Hi.

I haven't seen his soulmate.

The tall guy with the strong chin?

Nice to meet you.

That's Mrs. Montenegro.

What? No way!

Yeah.

Crap.

Put on these control tops for nothing.

What did you tell me?

Does that thought it'd be funny?

Like it is?

Lalo! Charles, welcome to our house.

Hey. Hi, son.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Charles. Hi, George.

How are you?

Penita.

Lalo.

Oh, God, look at you, girl.

You haven't changed a bit.

You have.

Um, I'd like you to meet Charles.

I've heard so much about you, I can't believe we're finally meeting.

How you doing?

She's so butch.

George, we have something for you.

Oh, thanks, Lala.

To my baby boy, George.

I mean, you gave us a family.

Damn!

There's just a lot of smog in the valley today.

Come on, let's eat.

This way, everybody.

You didn't eat it already, did you?

Oh, no, I didn't.

Smoggy.

George!

I'll be okay, Mom.

Oh, that's great. I don't care. Listen.

If he's a flower, then we didn't do it.

He can't be your dad!

No, Mom.

He said you were the last woman he was ever with.

Let me tell you something.

No man breaks off a piece of this and then gives up women.

Did you say that to him during sex?

Because that would do it right there.

Here, Lalo, you sit at the head of the table.

Oh, okay.

Okay, before we start eating, let's say grace.

I'll do it this time.

What?

Shut up.

Lord, I want to give thanks

for all the blessings you've given us.

For all my family,

for everyone's health,

but most of all, for Lalo.

If it wasn't for this man,

I wouldn't be here.

I guess 19 hours of working that big head

through my pelvis doesn't mean jack.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

George, that was the nicest thing anybody's ever said.

Oh, God, here come the waterworks.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Angie, you forgot the cranberry sauce.

You all right?

Oh, I'll be okay.

It's hard to believe it's been 36 years, huh, Lalo?

I know.

That was a wild night we had, wasn't it?

It sure was.

You sure were a good kisser.

And so were you.

You almost sucked a gold cap out of my mouth.

I still remember you

tracing the outline of the

butterfly tattoo on the small of my back

how could I forget

a butterfly on my buttercup

do I look like the kind of woman that would have a butterfly

tattoo on her butt

black widow

we didn't sleep together did we

did we

no

No, you passed out.

I held you all night long.

Well, I couldn't get you off me.

I knew you weren't George's father.

Benny, Benny, don't spoil this.

George always wanted a father and always wanted a son.

Look how happy he is.

Do you think his real father could make him any happier than he is right now?

Well, I hate to spoil the party, but we have to go.

No, don't go.

Oh, don't worry.

We'll see you all next Saturday when we take you fishing.

But before that, we're going go-kart racing.

All right.

Cool.

Hey, he was talking to me.

Back off.

You have a dad.

This has been a great Thanksgiving

And it shows you what's really important

Family

Family

Come on, I'll walk you guys to the car

No, we'll do it

Come on, Grandpa

Bye-bye

Bye

Come on, man-ma

You know what?

This has been the best Thanksgiving ever

And we made it through the whole holiday

with no fighting.

Well, it's not over yet.

All right, here we go.

Look, I got something unpleasant to say,

but I don't know how to say it.

Well, do it like you usually do.

Get drunk and call me at 3 in the morning.

Okay.

Here goes.

Remember those fairy tales

where the prince would come and save the princess

and they would live happily ever after,

but all that crap doesn't really happen in real life?

Well, Lalo's not your dad.

Why would you say that, Mom?

Because it's the truth.

I'm telling you, I talked to Lilo.

We didn't spend the night together.

Nothing happened.

You know what this is?

You're jealous.

You're jealous because everybody likes Lilo

more than they like you.

When are you going to face this, George?

Your father is that bum that ran out on us.

George, if you don't believe me, ask Lilo.

Out.

George, I was just gonna make a little plate.

Ow!

And...

now it feels like a holiday.

Thanks for taking us fishing, Grandpa.

Oh, hey, that's just the beginning.

Next week, we're gonna see the Lakers,

and the weekend after that, Disneyland.

Oh, right. Hey, maybe I can bring someone.

Max, you got a girlfriend I don't know about?

No way. Girls are gross.

I said nothing

he really likes you you know

well I like him

I wish I was around to see you at that age

we got a lot of catching up to do

hey can you catch me up on allowances

too late

I already spent it on Botox for Charles

you know I always wanted to play catch with my dad

Lalo are you really my dad

Why would you ask that?

My mom told me nothing ever happened between you two,

and I want to believe you, man, I do.

But I just got to ask, are you really my father?

Well, it depends on how you define father.

Somebody who cares about you?

Somebody who wants to be part of your family?

Somebody who made out with your mom

and had a pretend it was Sean Connery?

No, George, I'm not your father.

Then why would you say you were?

Because I always wanted a child.

You know, but back then it wasn't an option for guys like me.

And then you showed up.

And you were everything I ever wanted in a son.

And you had that photo album

with all those adorable pictures of your family

and that weird picture of your ear.

I couldn't resist.

It's too bad.

You would have been a good dad.

I'm sorry, George.

You know,

kids don't have any uncles.

They can have applications.

Uncle Lalo?

Aunt Charles?

I like the sound of that.

Oh, boy, are you sure we're not related

because you throw like a girl?

Hey, I don't need that, especially from a stranger.

Hey, Max, take over for me.

Sure.

I think I owe somebody an apology.

So I got something unpleasant to say,

and I don't know how to say it.

Well, what is it?

Okay, remember in those fairy tales

when sometimes the evil witch is right?

and the handsome prince finds out

that the g*y guy really isn't his father?

Does it end with the prince giving the witch

the rest of the turkey?

Mom, you really can't blame me.

I mean, when you lie so much,

it's hard for me to tell when you're being honest.

Hey, I only lie to protect you.

Or when it's convenient.

Or, you know, when I'm just too damn tired

to tell you the whole truth.

Well, I guess I gotta keep searching for Manny Lopez.

At least we know he's not g*y.

That guy, whew, he broke a piece off me.

And he came back for seconds and thirds.

Okay, Bob, you can have the turkey.

What about the beer?

Don't push your luck.

Oh, yeah, that Manny, he was an animal.

He was the only man who could make me howl.

Okay, take the beer.

Hey, I got a story that's gonna make you

give me the whole house!

This doesn't feel right.

You're a guest and you're always cleaning.

Don't even think about it. It's what I do.

Cleaning is my football.

Touchdown.

Extra point.

Extra... Huh?

So, um, how long before I can tell him

I'm not really your dad?

Hey, wait till he finishes the living room.