The isolation of being
in a box by yourself
and being left only with your mind
that isolation can be crushing sometimes.
But when God steps in,
it becomes something different.
That's what was happening in the hole.
Climb up, higher
Over, ah yeah
Over, ah yeah
If I could go back and talk to
15-year-old James,
I would have a conversation with him about
who he is.
Ah yeah
Ah
I've been ignoring my younger self,
trying to bury him
and blaming him for me being here.
At some point,
you have to choose your own healing.
I'm gonna climb up over
This side of the door
I swear
I swear I will climb up over, yeah
Over, ah yeah
Hey
My first birthday in prison, I turned 16.
I can't remember what that day was like,
but last night, my birthday,
as I went to sleep,
I was just thinking like,
I've had 16 birthdays in here.
Like, I literally grew up in prison.
It would be accurate
for people to ask me where I'm from,
and I say, California state prisons.
I don't like the month of April.
First and foremost,
April 16th is the day I took a life.
It's a hard anniversary
to always acknowledge
the worst thing
you've ever done in your life.
Three days later, April 19th,
my brother was m*rder*d.
I am always aware of this trauma.
I'm always aware of what I did
and what happened to Victor.
April is just a reminder
of the most devastating time of my life.
Every year.
Every year.
I was 25 years old.
The sergeant calls me into the office.
My hands are cuffed behind my back,
and he says,
Send him to the hole.
And the hole is
solitary confinement.
The hole was probably
a six-by-six box.
And I stayed in the hole
for about two and a half months.
Being in here,
death always feels imminent.
I have to manufacture hope.
And the way I manufacture hope
is by writing music.
And I'd usually, like, lay on the floor
and just close my eyes and meditate
and imagine my life outside of prison.
I was trying to, like, write music,
and I would just, like, make beats
on my chest or on the bunk
and just, like, come up with songs.
And my neighbor,
he would, like, hear me write these songs
and be like,
Oh, that's a good one, youngster.
And I would like, you know, sing it
through that little thin wall to him
so he can give me feedback.
It's a trip!
Ah, it's crazy
It's so crazy how we live and die
Telling the stories is like
constantly reliving the trauma,
but I feel more comfortable
telling it in song.
I wonder if heaven is real
I wonder if I can appeal
To the mercy of God
'Cause sin got me caught
My father said, "God will forgive"
When you thuggin'
And thuggin' for real
You tellin' yourself not to feel
You sayin', "It's nothin'"
You flexin' and clutchin'
On pistols and itchin' to k*ll
Anybody risin' up against your faction
You and your n8tives be takin' action
Rollin' 20's and my Baby n*gg*s
Mac Mafia and Ler n*gg*s
Mindin' our step on the Sea Floor
Try'na blow up like we C-4
Searchin' for purpose
In Purple and Pills
Fightin' our conscience
And hidin' our ills
It's a trip
Memories are crucial
in maintaining your sanity in prison.
I remember,
maybe accurately or inaccurately,
but I remember things from my childhood,
and I relive them sitting on that bunk.
And it reminds me that
I was a person
and I am a person
before being incarcerated.
You have 60 seconds remaining.
Growing up in that church,
mothers of the church
would call me Little William
after my dad or Little Elder
after my dad.
This is the area
where the youngsters would sit.
It was cool to grow up
and sing in the choir.
And they would be
in the choir section of the church stand,
which is directly in front of me here.
And, um, they would come
and perform on the platform there.
Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask
His mom directed children's choir,
so he and his sister would perform,
and even Victor performed.
We have
some talented children in this church,
and God wants to use them.
Can I get an amen?
- Amen!
- Praise the Lord.
My thing was to raise them in the church
and give them a different set of values.
That was my way
of trying to keep them safe
from things that could hurt them.
- Here is James.
- Mr. James.
- He was teething. His teeth was coming in.
- Uh-huh. He was a crybaby, too.
He was?
- Yeah.
- How old was he in this picture?
He was about five months.
And he would always tell me,
I have a lot of hair.
I said, Boy, you ain't have a lot of hair.
- You wanted to have a lot of hair.
- Aw!
Our older brother, Victor.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thirteen?
Fourteen or thirteen...
Thirteen or 14 on that picture.
Big cheeks.
Wait a minute. Look at this one.
This is me, James, and Victor.
We dropped him off
over my grandmother's house.
We thought he was gonna be gone forever.
I don't even remember, like
You guys were so used
to being around each other.
- Right.
- So
But definitely... Look at how
Victor, he was a good big brother.
He watched out for James.
He watched out for Reneasha.
He loved his siblings.
Him and James would get into it,
but he was a big brother showing him,
this is how it is in the street,
because Victor was also a street person.
I don't think he had an excuse to go out
and g*ng bang or whatever he had to do.
But I think he felt like
he had to prove himself.
Victor was
both protective
and a bully,
dominating me as his little brother,
but then not letting anybody else do it.
I remember
having asthma really bad as a kid
and just being on my bike,
trying to keep up
with Vic and his friends,
and we're like far away from home,
and I don't have my inhaler,
and I have this really bad asthma attack.
And he puts me on his bike
and rides me all the way home.
I didn't know that
That life would catch up to him.
I remember when I couldn't hang out
Now I wonder how life's
'Bout to play out
Feelin' trapped
Is gon' start to feel played out
When your homie can hoop
He your way out
Havin' dreams for yourself
Is so way out
When these n*gg*s
Is testin' you straight out
And this life is a carnival playhouse
And these streets is a maze
I'm amazed how we
Went from shootin' at hoops
In the backyard
On me
And wheelyin' bikes
Up the Boulevard to
A colorless world
Full of black hearts like Cain
Now I travel this world
With a black mark
It's a trip
It's crazy
It's so crazy
How we live and die
It's crazy
It's so crazy
It's a trip
It's crazy
It's so crazy
When Victor first got arrested,
I don't remember what he went in for.
I just remember feeling like
they took my brother.
They took my brother.
I remember being told
one day in the morning
that Victor had a court date.
And I remember sitting in the back
of my fifth grade class,
and I just prayed.
God, please let my brother
come home today.
I miss him, my mommy miss him,
my daddy miss him, God,
so please let Victor come home.
I looked up to him,
followed him around and,
you know, tried to be like him.
I remember feeling like
a lacking in my life
and trying to replace him
with other guys his age or older.
And these guys wound up being,
like, the older homies
that I g*ng banged with.
I grew up
in g*ng culture.
Like, being from a g*ng was expected
where I was from.
By the time I was 15,
I had made my mind up
that I was gonna be, like,
the
Hardest n*gga from the g*ng.
Willing to be, like,
more violent than anybody else.
And I was getting a lot of praise
from that.
Having access to g*ns
was like having access to a bike.
They everywhere.
Church stopped being
a central part of my life
when my parents' marriage split.
Everything was a lie.
We actually don't love each other.
We actually don't love you.
And
God may not really care about you.
But self-betrayal
is the worst betrayal.
Betrayal
You was my n*gga
Tell me why you wanna
Friends and enemies all
Look the same when you ball
While awaitin' your fall
They just be countin' your flaws
Just the plight of a boss
Weighin' out every loss
Like, if I buy out the bar
How many friends will it cost
Sippin' Rmy then draw
On the hemp leaf and fall
To my knees to my God
'Cause even Jesus got crossed
Who can tell me any better
How to handle it all
When money fool 'em
It turns your sh**ter to Judas an' all
Good God
It's just a sign of the times
Betrayal from your n*gga
Weighs heavy on your mind
He don't know loyalty
So when you need lawyer fees
He won't give a dime
But he'll prolly drop a dime
Take the stand, raise his hand
Help 'em give you time
I was only 15
When you helped 'em give me mine
They told me you was tellin'
And I told them they was lyin'
Little did I know you was tellin'
The whole time
Damn
Betrayal, betrayal
Discreet with your deceit, on me
You plot
For my defeat, on me
You was my n*gga
Tell me why you wanna k*ll me
Loyalties get amended when
n*gg*s facin' sentencin'
To a world they never ventured in
Where death and God is intimate
Regret is ever present
Solitude is ushered in
Only to the plight of many men
Where there is ocean
There is plenty sand
Where there is friends
There is plenty sin
I pray to God
You pray to God just to make amends
You took the life of your own man
No g*n was needed
Just a mic and stand
Damn
I pray to God
You pray to God just to make amends
You took the life of your own man
No g*n was needed
Just a mic and stand
Raise your right hand
Damn
Betrayal, betrayal
Discreet with your deceit, on me
You plot for my defeat, on me
You was my n*gga
Tell me why you wanna k*ll me
Tell me why
Betrayal, betrayal
James' middle school graduation picture.
He got his hair in cornrows.
Think he's tough.
He was the best man at my wedding.
See, there he is giving me a toast.
I don't remember exactly what he said.
But there he is.
That's my boy right there, though.
It was all around at that time
when all that trouble came.
From the time
that we got married to the incident,
it was eight months.
So, I had a lot of interaction with James.
And I was rather shocked
about what had happened.
When Victor came home from
juvenile prison,
he was calling me Lil' James.
And I remember, like,
poking my chest out and telling him
that I ain't Lil' James no more. Like
I'm a man out here.
Violence and violent acts
were a tool that I used for everything.
Argue with somebody at school, fight 'em.
And sh**ting somebody was like
the ultimate act of violence.
This is what is gon' make people
respect me.
This is what's gon' make me worthy
of the fear and popularity
that comes with being a gangsta.
I remember having a conversation
with the homie at the time.
We were the same age.
Bro, we gotta, like
We gotta get us a g*n and
Like, I'm ready to, like,
sh**t the ops, like, it's nothing.
I'm out here.
He's like, I'll sh**t somebody,
but I don't know if I can k*ll somebody.
And I, like, dismissed it,
like, Bro, you trippin'.
This is what we out here doing.
What are you talking about?
Like, this is what it is.
I had convinced myself
that I was willing to do it
before I even did it.
And that moment
I just felt like this is the moment
to prove, like,
I'm that n*gga from the hood.
And here it was someone
walking through my hood
offering me a challenge.
Like, doggin' each other,
and like, I'm in my hood.
I don't have to break eye contact.
You supposed to break eye contact with me.
I went to a older homie,
and
he gave me the g*n.
The young man steps into the street
prepared to fight me,
and I sh**t him.
And I run away.
And I walked around
for, like, an hour and a half
before I made it back to the homie house
who gave me the g*n.
And I expected, like,
to arrive to cheers,
I guess.
And instead, what I got was like,
n*gga, what did you do?
n*gga, the police finna be on you.
Like, n*gga, this ain't no party.
This ain't no song
where you can just rap
about doing something and then
in three minutes it's over with,
and you go back to living your life.
This ain't that.
My son was crying out,
but I didn't hear him.
He was crying... This kid was crying out.
He was 15 years old,
crying out, but I didn't hear him.
I didn't hear his cry.
He was crying out
before he got himself in trouble.
He was crying out.
But where was I? Where was his dad?
I got the case file from James' attorney.
When I began to see
some of the stuff in here, it was
It was really, really, really hard. Um
The crime scene,
the victim autopsy report,
and all that stuff,
I just I don't look at that at all.
I can't deal with it.
Sad moment.
Sad moment.
James committed a crime,
and three days later,
my son Victor is deceased.
These two events,
they're happening at the same time.
I was just totally out of it.
Couldn't function.
It was like I lost it, in a way.
I had this dream of Victor once.
Victor was, like, going into the alley,
and he was about to get in this car.
And I was calling him. I was like, Vic!
And he looked back at me,
and he just smiled.
He was just like,
It's gon' be alright, bro.
And he got in the car and drove off.
They comin', they comin'
Keep runnin', keep runnin'
Yeah, yeah, they comin', they comin'
On me, I swear that we the most hunted
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped
With my own nine
Somebody in the hood
Will put it online
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped
With my own nine
Somebody in the hood
Will put it online
Why you think I smoke weed?
Johnnies pull me over
I'mma break 'fore they smoke me
I'mma pop 'fore they smoke me
'Cause I'm a child of Assata
On the low key
In the city by the blue sea
You spot a Johnny
That's a red flag, true speech
Crips let their pants sag
And they pop heat
Eses wanna see me dead
And lying in the street, peep
If I see 'em ridin' two deep
If I ever hear them tires screech
I'mma take cover then draw my heat
Buss and break like Craig and Smokey
'Cause if the legal system
Don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped
With my own nine
Somebody in the hood
Will put it online
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped
With my own nine
Somebody in the hood
Will put it online
Durin' the hook
The government launched four drones
Still I need a GL*CK
To walk Smoke home
I ain't a man with it
I'm a man without it
The problem is
They don't see a man unless I got it
Yeah, this the story of lost innocence
Since I was 12, I had the inner sense
That I was guilty and they asked
Till I could prove my innocence
And I've been guilty ever since
On me
Participatin' in genocide
Killin' n*gg*s from other tribes
Fathers mourned and mothers cried
Still nobody know the reasons why
We the most wanted, most hunted
No frontin', stay blunted, stay gunnin'
Stay runnin', until we all extinct
The government tellin' us
That t*rrorists on they way
I swear they only want us to think
I had a dream.
It was said
that everything's gonna be alright.
And it kept repeating
in the dream that I had.
It's gonna be alright.
It's gonna be alright.
It's gonna be alright.
I think it was three days later
when the police came
and knocked on my door
at four o'clock in the morning.
It was the strangest feeling ever.
And told me that my son got k*lled.
That was the most horrible feeling
I ever felt in my life.
Like I was in a nightmare.
I was mourning my brother,
mourning his loss
and the reoccurring thought
that kept showing up was,
I did the same thing to another family.
Like, this is exactly how they feel.
Every day, I was there.
I didn't miss a day
when my son was going through the trial.
What I really noticed is the mother.
We was in the same position
because she had a son that died,
and I had a son that passed
at the same time.
And I'm sure, to this day,
she miss her son.
That was her son.
I remember at my sentencing,
they said 40 years to life plus life.
And I looked up at my lawyer,
and I was like, So when do I go home?
And she just looked at me like,
Baby, you don't even understand
what just happened.
You don't.
Orange jumper oversized
Tears fill my parents' eyes
Judge gave me 40 life
40 days, 40 nights
Prayed the passions of the Christ
Lord Jesus give me life
Demons haunt me every night
I contemplated suicide
I ain't gon' lie
Sometimes I wish that I had tried
I'm tired of living this life
Seems every mornin' I die
Oh
I swear I done changed though
Forgive me
I'm different
I swear that I changed
I'm seeing things different
Now I can't control
All these thoughts that's flowin'
I scatter these patterns that matter
I manifest thoughts into matter
That's why you can feel it
Revealin' these pivotal matters
I pray that the Lord send a ladder
So I can climb outta this grave
On me
'Cause I'm sick of just being a sl*ve
On me
All my, my, my
My mistakes, I own 'em all
I don't make excuse at all
What I did was more than wrong
But I won't thank you for these walls
State oppression weighs a ton
My depression goes and comes
Roller coastin' isn't fun
Doin' life is livin' slumped
'Cause I'm dead to the world
Dead to my homies and my girl
I ain't got a letter in a minute
I was only 15 when a n*gga
Fell up in here
I been in here for a minute
Now a n*gga try'na
To finish out strong
On me
My Pops sayin', "Son, be strong"
I'm tryin'
Life's too short
I got no time to waste
Go time, it's no time to play
Flow bound to open the gates
And flood the game with realness
I pray that the public feel this
This is for Bloods and real Crips
G-Ds' Lords should feel this
'Cause this is what a thug
Is filled with
When the trauma is real
Tears from your momma is real
When you tell her you lost your appeal
How you s'posed to feel?
When you get the feelin' that she got
The feelin' your fate has be sealed
For real
The trauma was real
Tears from my momma was real
I told her I lost my appeal
How I'm s'pose to feel
When I got the feelin'
That she got the feelin'
My fate has been sealed?
And I'm feelin'
Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed
Overwhelmed
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I always wonder where Victor is.
I know he's not in pain,
but I also don't know where he is.
And that's kind of
what goes through my mind.
Where is my brother?
When Reneasha was pregnant with Naaji,
and she was telling me, you know,
I'm due any day.
It was very clear
that we were coming up on an anniversary
for the death of Victor.
And so, when Naaji was born
on April 19th,
the day Victor was m*rder*d,
it feels like God gave us
a gift
on a hard day.
- Naaji.
- What are you doing?
Please!
I wanna go to sleep.
Are we going to the graveyard?
- I don't know.
- We don't know yet, Pop.
'Cause it's gonna be late. Go upstairs
with that if you're gonna hit it.
And I didn't get no flowers.
I don't I don't know.
In the beginning, it was every Sunday.
It was every Sunday for months,
I would come
and spend some time right here.
And I would go see his brother James,
in juvenile hall,
and then I would come and see him
or vice versa.
I would go come see him
and then go see James, depend.
And, um
that went on for a long time.
I cried all the time.
And it was a part of my grieving process.
I had to be here.
Victor's m*rder trial started
after James' trial ended.
And that was another ordeal.
Whatever happens here,
it's not gonna change anything.
You know,
it's not gonna give me my son back.
The gentleman was found guilty
of first-degree m*rder.
And he was a young guy
around the same age as my son, Victor,
at the time. He was a young man.
We had opportunities
to speak to the court, and I did.
I-I kind of felt sorry for him,
because now,
not only is my son's life gone,
his too, in a way.
And I said to him that,
Now you're in a situation,
and I pray that, you know, my thing is
that you do the right thing to come home.
So that's what I said to him.
The cold thing is I know his sister.
We grew up together.
We went to school together,
and I had no idea.
So I'm seeing her, and she's just crying
because, you know,
her brother's going away for life.
When they sentenced Jamaal Smith
25 years to life,
I was not really satisfied, honestly.
You took my son. You took his life.
Over what?
I still grieve my son.
Every time when his birthday come
or every time on the day
that his life was taken,
I'm constantly thinking about the son
that I lost.
I'm constantly thinking about the son
that I lost in the system.
I imagine that
the person who k*lled Vic,
I just imagine him being like
another one of us.
Another one of us.
Somebody who was just in the streets
playing his role
in what happens in street culture.
I remember thinking like,
you know, if I caught up with him,
I was gon' beat him up.
Or, you know,
worse.
There was times where I was like,
I'mma k*ll this fool when I catch him.
Just really, like,
battling with hating this dude who was,
for the most part,
an imaginary figure in my mind.
I didn't know who he was
or what he looked like,
or I didn't really know his name.
When I first got to the prison I was in,
I remember, like,
walking into the small day room.
One of the guys in the day room was
a guy named Jay,
who was reflecting on the crime
that he had committed
and how
senseless it was.
So I, like,
really had a conversation
with him in particular
about, like, how much regret
and just remorse he had
for the m*rder he had committed.
He really showed his humanity to me,
and I was able to, like, see him.
Seeing his humanity
in relation
to the worst thing
he had ever done in his life,
reminded me of my own humanity
in relation to the worst thing
I had ever done.
You have 60 seconds remaining.
I had blocked it out.
I had blocked out the image
of him falling to the ground
after I shot him
for years
because that was the moment
where I realized
the significance of what I had done.
So, I blocked it out.
And now I live with it.
I see it.
It
It spiraled me. Like
By the time I was 19 years old,
I was so convinced
that I wasn't worth anything
that I wanted to take my life.
Like, I would do everybody a favor
if I k*lled myself.
If you look in my eyes,
it's like,
like zombie,
in every sense of the word.
Like
I ain't even there.
Like,
I ain't even there.
Livin' in a steel grave
It's hard here
It's cold here, it's dark here
It's no air
I can't breathe
I can't see, I can't sleep
I can't believe they got me
Livin' in the belly of the underworld
Blood suck as liken themselves
To famous kings of the underworld
Things get drastic
When Dracula wants to eat
Keep a stake or be a steak
When it's time to feast
A martyr soul
Doors are closed, I'm buried deep
Writin' flows, and pacing flows
I barely sleep
Eighteen, a canned teen
Waitin' on canteen
Can't seem to shake free
Of these memories
Jurors said, "Lynch 'em"
So they lynched 'em
Man, this can't be life, on me
Somebody better pinch 'em
Johnnies calls him "n*gg*r"
When he turn his back to 'em
OGs give him knowledge
Like it's Similac for him
He gon' need that
When it goes down, it goes down
Chaos is the norm
Whenever time slows down
Concrete and steel
Appeals gettin' turned down
Hopin' for mail
But letters gettin' turned 'round
That's "return to sender"
Promise I'll stop bein' a sinner
Lord, if you help me
I'll be the number one repenter
In the land of the lost, I pray
You help me be a winner
In the deep of the dark
I seek, try'na find my center
I am just a sinner
Livin' in a steel grave
It's hard here
It's cold here, it's dark here
It's no air
I can't breathe
I can't see, I can't sleep
I can't believe they got me
Livin' like a lifer
When I rather be a liver
When they give you life
I swear you feel it in your liver
Pain so deep in the heat
You still shiver
Livin' life dead will have
You blowin' on a k*ller
Runnin' laps every day
I gotta push up
In case the walkin' dead
Decide they wanna push up
'Cause flesh eaters
Flex heat as lookin' for meals
Hypes chasin' hits
And they looking for a deal
Try'na escape they hell
Demons dwellin' inside they cell
As the debt begins to build
They contemplate whether or not to tell
When the hustla get impatient
He pillage the Hype's cell
Then the Johnnies get a kite
From the Hype when the night fell
That's when I felt
That I failed and I fell
To my knees
And I pleaded with God well
Let me know will my soul ever prevail
'Cause it's cold
In this hole that I dwell
I am livin' in a steel
Livin' in a steel
Where everything is still
Yeah, everything is still
My dad had came to see me
when I was in the hole.
I had just finished writing
the first and second verse
of "Steel Grave."
And I thought the song was over,
and we were visiting behind the glass.
I was holding the phone
and I, like, rap "Steel Grave" to him.
And he was just like,
Yeah, son, that's really good.
He says, But what happens?
I'm like, What do you mean, what happens?
He's like, What happens to the character?
You just described that
he was in this dark world.
Does he ever come out?
So when I go back to the cell
after our visit,
I started to write it.
And I opened the third verse saying
Livin' amongst the cutthroats,
connivers, and the schemers
truly is a nightmare,
but I remain a dreamer.
Hope is hard to hold
Sometimes it slips
Right thru your fingers
I've seen people lose their grip
Convince themselves
That they should string up
For lack of purpose, on purpose
They just curse us
Give me life
To symbolize my life worthless
But thru these lines
I realize I might surface
Thru these rhymes I see the light
My eyes hurtin'
Throwin' dirt and arms hurtin'
Prayin' not to slip
I climb further, uncertain
Tighten up my grip
'Cause my direction's resurrection
Like Lazarus, I stand erected
My confessions, tales from the crypt
I was livin' in a steel grave
Livin' in a steel grave
Livin' in a steel grave
Livin' in a steel grave
I remain
a person who dreams about freedom,
who dreams about my own reconciliation
and resurrection.
I dream about my own redemption
and the redemption of other people.
My imagination
when I was in the hole,
really played a role
in how hopeful I grew to become.
I was able to imagine my life
in art and music.
I was able to imagine myself in freedom.
So, I had something to hope for
because I can see it in my mind.
Rise and shine
It's morning, morning
I think about this one time
I was laying on the floor, meditating
and like imagining myself
and the life that I wanted.
My
Imaginary wife,
she looked like Indigo.
So when I met Indigo,
I was like, Oh, there she go.
I don't wanna go too deep into May.
Why not?
I don't know.
I just feel like Memorial Day
and like Mother's Day
Oh, my
I'm like, this is a holiday.
I mean, I would marry you today.
So whatever date you say,
I'm like, Let's do that.
I'll keep holding on
Yes.
-I'll keep holding on
-Keep holding on
Gotta keep holding on
I'll keep holding on
I don't know how the rest goes.
At first, I felt like
I would never put my heart that deep
somewhere that was so trapped
and oppressed.
But I just couldn't deny my heart
what it wanted,
and considering
all the prison abolition work
and reform work I've done,
I've made a case before I met James.
The fact of the matter is that
human connection does seep through walls.
It does seep through cages.
As a friend and as someone
who cares about him spiritually,
I don't worry about his ability
to be accountable.
But I just know that it's not as possible
when you're also being victimized
at the level of incarceration.
So the first email I sent,
I was just like,
I'm James' fiance.
I'm writing in support of his commutation.
And I just asked, like,
I just need help around this process.
Like, what is this process?
But for now, I feel like
it is worth painting the picture
of all the people
who are ready for you to come home.
Right.
And I read you your dad's, right?
Yeah. You read it to me.
Okay. And then I read you, uh, Jackie's?
No.
Okay, you wanna hear hers?
Yes.
James has learned how his crime affected
the victim, the victim's family,
and his life and society.
He is remorseful and understands
how his actions had a negative impact.
James is a responsible, mature young man
that has been rehabilitated
through California's state prison system.
My husband and I
have always supported James
and will continue to support him.
I'm confident
that James is not a threat to society
and is suitable
for a second chance in life.
Sincerely, Jacqueline Williams.
Oh, Jackie, though.
I love that.
You have 60 seconds remaining.
Hate that.
Hate that. I hate that for you.
The Bible says we're like
sheep counted for the slaughter.
At any time, danger or disaster
can come our way.
Don't you think that
your child can't be one of the statistics
that die on the street corner.
But the Bible says God is not a condemner.
He is a liberator, emancipator.
For God sent not his son into the world
to condemn the world,
but that the world through him
might be saved.
God is fighting for you.
James, when he was born,
and I brought him home from the hospital,
I had picked him up. I was so happy.
And he smiled at me, and man Phew!
He's a man now.
He's able to just keep on going.
And, uh, that encouraged me
to keep going with him.
The word of God is my treasure.
That's that's what I have.
It's the best I can do.
And God said to me,
This is gonna be a long walk.
I heard him so clear.
So I relayed the message to my son.
God said it's gonna be a long walk.
And then I realized that God,
in saying that, was promising to me
that it's coming to an end too.
And so, one day, my son will be free.
God promised that to me. I heard him.
And so that's why I'm convinced,
I'm persuaded that, um,
though we do time,
and we've done a lot of it,
uh, and it has been a long journey
as it were,
but, uh, it's gonna come to an end,
and we will share our lives together
on this side of the prison wall.
That's what faith means to me.
I have a little praise song
in my heart that I wanna sing.
I'm gonna sing this song by faith.
I feel God in this place already.
And the little praise song goes like this.
Young Black misguided dreamers
Wake up and turn
Into fist fightin' schemers
Who gon' feed us?
Block full of young soldiers
But who gon' lead us?
We hold heat'us
I wish that I could tell you that
We don't need 'em
But it's hard when they huntin' you
For no reason
Salty haters hate a n8tive
When you so seasoned
Cold-hearted Johnny draw his heat
And burst into my spot
While I was sleepin'
I guess it's time to wake up
In this sanctuary, you say,
Lord, I surrender!
I guess it's time to wake up
- I am with you how long?
- Forever!
He ain't gon' never leave you!
I don't care what happens.
He ain't going nowhere!
Wake up, wake up, wake up
These days, people walkin' in a daze
Smokin' on the haze
Thinkin' and dreamin' of getting paid
I can't wait for the day
When n8tives awake
Get tired of goin' to homies' wakes
Deep in the water my n*gg*s wade
Barely afloat, but they inflate
Their egos is bigger than D. Wade
'Cause it's hard to feel the love
When these n*gg*s don't hate
The whole game twisted like a braid
So they stay sharp
And never switch up like a blade
Just to cop a chain
They at the stove
Whippin' like a sl*ve
Cooking master's meal hopin' they
Can stumble on a couple young crumbs
For the day
Numb so the pain of sellin' Cain
Don't ever penetrate their conscience
We ain't conscious
Junglest streets call me a "beast"
'Cause it's easy to see
These human beings
Would much rather be monsters
Mindless creatures that
Never ever really mind they teachers
I had the feelin' that they wasn't
Really try'na reach us
Whole chapter on Columbus and Cook
The sl*ve trade a paragraph
In my history book
Why you think a n8tive slept
In the back of the class?
.380 wrapped and tucked
In the bottom half of my bag
I'm Black and I'm mad
But people never seem to take me serious
Choppa lullabies are the eeriest
Sung by the souls so curious
The streets is for the fast
And the furious
But I ain't try'na to be
Like Paul Walker
Crash and burn
I don't wanna be like Paul Walker
But I pray I hear the Lord
When he calls
'Cause I think it's time to wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up
Child, I get up, I stand back up,
and tell the devil, That's alright.
I'm coming back again.
I'mma come back again!
Hey!
Have you ever been in jail?
Oh, bless his name.
Oh, y'all ain't got to say nothing.
I know you been there. Amen.
You been in that spiritual jail!
The devil had you bound!
Oh, bless his name. Oh, bless his
As I got older,
I would feel, like, more responsible
to my dad
and to my mom and my sister.
I would write these letters
about how grateful I am
for them staying by my side
and supporting me
even after I've done something
so heinous and serious.
And I remember my mom telling me once
about my birth
that when she was pregnant with me,
she was like, I wanted you.
And she told me, I still want you, son.
And that just,
you know, was so affirming and uplifting
and helped me to believe in myself
and believe in my worth.
Hello?
This is Global Tel Link.
You have a pre-paid call from
- Hey, Momma.
- Hey!
- I got something I want to read you.
- Okay.
The purpose of this letter
is to provide the court
with the authority
to resentence inmate James Jacobs
based upon his exceptional conduct
while incarcerated.
As the secretary of CDCR,
I take my obligation
to public safety very seriously
and choose only to make
exceptional-conduct referrals
when an inmate's behavior
while incarcerated
demonstrates a sustained compliance
with departmental rules,
regulations, and requirements
as well as prolonged participation
in rehabilitative programming.
It appears that inmate Jacobs' sentence
warrants the attention of the court.
I recommend
that inmate Jacobs' sentence be recalled
and that he be resentenced.
- Sincerely, Ralph Diaz
- Oh my God.
Secretary of CDCR.
Oh my goodness. I don't know what to Oh.
We the jury of the above entitled action
find the defendant James Jacobs guilty
of the crime of m*rder
and is sentenced total
of 40 years to life.
I remember years ago
going to the court for James.
He was being sentenced the first time,
and this time he's being re-sentenced.
I'm here for a good reason.
The last time, it wasn't so good.
I'm the first person to say,
if you went through something, like,
you were a victim of something.
That's real.
That's why I say like it's also
It's also your responsibility
as a victim to
To do what's necessary
for you to actually heal.
I was a victim of a crime.
I was r*ped.
And I did pursue an investigation
with the police
and ended up being so re-traumatized
by that experience.
I was looking for closure,
I was looking for justice,
healing, validation,
and there was no healing to be found.
I realized the system
is not prioritizing me.
It's prioritizing punishment,
and my healing can never be found
in someone else's punishment.
It's not what restores
what was taken from you.
We are people of faith.
We understand that God works in his time,
and it's not according to man's time,
but I'm very hopeful
that he's going to get out.
My prayer is that he get out
while we are alive.
I'm sorry.
Right now, it's like, um
It's like a death.
And so every time you see James,
and you have to leave,
it's like the casket is closing.
For him to be with his dad
That's that's that's the main thing.
Their hearts will be healed.
They won't be broken anymore.
They won't be broken anymore.
My dad told me when I was 16,
after I got sentenced,
You know, son,
this is gonna be a long walk.
This long walk of longing
and looking toward the horizon.
I've been hell a hopeful.
Just hoping that
the judge will resentence me
and then let me go home.
Oh boy. Here we go.
Yeah, let's see what happens.
Calling The People vs. James Jacobs.
The request is still to resentence him.
The District Attorney's Office
is not willing to concede
that Mr. Jacobs should be resentenced.
On the issue of whether or not the court
is going to resentence the defendant,
the court is not going to
take that on today.
Prison is a trap.
Our justice system is a trap.
If you're walking
through the wilderness of America,
and they get you in that trap,
they not letting you go.
I don't think that D.A.
looked at who I was.
I think he looked at the fact that
he had the opportunity to say no.
Never will they say,
That trap is inhumane.
Let me get it off this bear's foot.
They wanna mount you on a wall.
Never will they say,
That noose is too tight.
Let me cut this person down off this tree.
They intended
to lynch us.
I ain't doin' no more runnin'
These n*gg*s after my rose gold
The Johnnies after my freedom
The Devil racin' for my soul
I just pray to God that I beat him
I never been a retreater
Never been an elitist
I never trusted the leaders, on me
How I'm 'posed to trust 'em
When they k*lled Malcolm
k*lled Oscar, k*lled Tray
And k*lled Michael?
The most hunted species in America
Is a Black male
White cop sh**t you down
And justify it
With genocidal blackmail
Like, "Y'all killin' y'all selves"
And though we sh**t people
With similar faces
It still don't change the fact
That you a r*cist
It still don't change the fact
The system's broken
And the pain the homies feel
Go forever unspoken, like
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped
With my own nine
Somebody in the hood
Will put it online
If the legal system don't give me life
I'll prolly get shot by my own kind
I'll prolly get popped
With my own nine
Somebody in the hood
Will put that sh*t on WorldStar
James told me that he had a dream.
He said,
I dreamed that I came home to you.
I need my son home.
I have no other son. I need him home.
In LA this weekend, another round
of g*ng arrests and violence.
More than 200 officers on this street
Crime waves
Sittin' bored
While the news reports the
Crime waves
Sittin' bored
While the news reports the
Yeah
While the news reports the
While the news reports the
Crime waves
While the news reports the
Born in the era of crack
So I'm mindin' my step
Thru the boundary lines
'Cause momma got pain in her back
The weight of the stress
My brother got wet
She prayin' her youngest adapt
To that sea floor
Where we see shells
From the seashores of a MAC
Get caught in that wave
And you'll never swim back
Eighty degrees
With a slight chance of breeze
From the MACs that be blowin'
I'm blowin' on trees
Try'na find me relief
'Cause my momma keep sayin'
She prayin' for me
sh*t can get deep
n*gg*s don't swim
We just float in the beach
No paddle, just feet
From the shoulders, I'm bold
And the homies is deep
And I put that on me
Real n*gg*s don't live
They get k*lled by a Yee
Either that or police
Swear they huntin' for me
Young n8tives servin' crack, my n*gga
Better watch the cracks, my n*gga
'Cause them n8tives totin' MACs that'll
Break your momma's back, my n*gga
Can't bring your momma back, my n*gga
When them n8tives ratta-tat, my n*gga
Born in the era of crack
So I'm mindin' my step
Thru the boundary lines
'Cause momma got pain in her back
The weight of the stress
My brother got wet
She prayin' her youngest adapt
To that sea floor
Where we see shells
From the seashores of a MAC
You get caught in that wave
And you'll never swim back
n*gg*s press n*gg*s every day
"What's hap'nen, where you from
Where your grandma stay?"
n*gg*s flockin'
Where your grandma stay
Hustlas on the block burner'd up
f*ck around and sell your grandma yey
Sippin' Grand Marnier
It's crackin' every day
In the City by the Sea
n*gg*s crackin' every day
Compton, Watts, and L.A.
Know we get it crackin' every day
Crime waves
Sittin' bored
While the news reports the
Crime waves
Sittin' bored
While the news reports the
Crime waves
Sittin' bored while the news reports the
Crime waves
While the news reports the
Crime waves
While the news reports the
Born in the era of crack
So I'm mindin' my step
Thru the boundary lines
'Cause momma got pain in her back
The weight of the stress
My brother got wet
She prayin' her youngest adapt
To that sea floor
Where we see shells
From the seashores of a MAC
You get caught in that wave
And you'll never swim back
Hey, son.
Hey, Mommy.
You still walk on the beach on Sundays?
I haven't recently, but I need to go back.
I was going to visit James, um,
at the facility
that he was located at the time.
When I looked over
First I said that... I said to Reneasha,
I said, That look like Jamaal.
I only seen him literally that one time,
which was his sentencing.
I said, Mom, that's
that looks like Jamaal right there.
He's just walking, smiling.
I didn't want to tell James.
I didn't want to tell him.
I had just had a birthday.
I had just had a birthday.
And so, the weekend came,
and my mom came to see me,
my mom and ReeRee.
I can tell something's wrong
with my mom and Reneasha.
Like, they kinda off.
Like, they're smiling but you know, like,
their smiles are painted on.
And I look at ReeRee.
I look back at my mom, like,
What's going on?
And my mom is just like,
It's nothing.
And she keeps looking,
like her eyes keep darting to Reneasha.
And she's like, Who is that?
Who's that guy right there?
And I'm like,
That's brother Jay.
And I say Jay, only knowing him as Jay
because that's how
he introduced himself to me.
And she just pauses for a minute,
and my mom looks back up at me,
and she says, That's him.
And without her having to explain
like, who the "him" is,
I know exactly who she means.
That's who k*lled Victor.
La, la, la
La, la, la
La, la
La, la, la
I just froze.
I realized how long I've been living
next to this man.
He said, I talk to this guy every day.
James was really, really upset.
He said something needed
to be done about it.
My mom just, like, grabs my arm.
And I said, No
She says, James, don't k*ll him.
I want you to come home.
But it also
communicated to me that
you don't have permission to k*ll him,
but you have permission to do
whatever else you wanna do.
And I knew that's what she meant.
And I felt guilty
because I should've kept my mouth closed.
I shouldn't have said anything
because I didn't want anything to happen.
I pray, I pray, I pray
I pray, I pray, I pray
I pray for
That night, I was just in my cell.
You know, I was crying.
I was I was livid.
I was so angry with God.
I asked God, like,
Why would you put this man in front of me,
knowing that I'm trying to go home,
knowing that I have to
I have to
k*ll this dude?
This dude k*lled my brother.
I was so angry
that God would allow this man
to even be in my presence
and put me in the predicament where I had
I felt I had to do something to him
when, in my heart,
I really just wanted to forgive.
The world
doesn't really understand forgiveness.
And in particular,
prison culture does not have space
for forgiveness.
It is seen as a weakness.
God put me in a position
to either appear weak to people
that I believed were predatory
or give up my freedom.
That night, I just prayed.
You know what I have to do, like
Like, why would you make me do this?
And as clear as
you hearing my voice right now,
I heard God say,
Ain't nobody making you do nothing.
And it just echoed over and over,
Ain't nobody making you do nothing.
And then I thought about the scripture,
If you do not forgive,
you will not be forgiven.
And more than anything in my life,
more than I want anything in my life,
at that moment,
I just wanted to be forgiven.
I wanted the family that I hurt
to forgive me
and to know
that I understand what I did to them.
More than anything,
I wanted that.
And here it was, I had the opportunity
to give that to somebody.
So the next morning,
we come out for breakfast,
and I said,
Man, is your name Jamaal Smith?
And he says, Yeah.
Like, you knew that though.
I was like, Naw,
I always knew your name was Jay. Like
Your name is Jamaal Smith.
And he was like, Yeah.
Tears start coming down my face.
And I said, Man, you k*lled my brother.
And the first thing out of his mouth was,
I'm sorry for what I took from you, bro.
He said to me,
I'm sorry for what I did to your family.
And
I believed him.
I believed he was really sorry.
I asked him why he k*lled my brother,
and he told me the story.
And
It was senseless.
It was for nothing.
The same way my crime was for nothing
and it was senseless.
And I just told him,
Man, I forgive you.
If you want my forgiveness, you have it.
And I got up and left.
What came to me was the first time we met,
and how connected I felt to him then
and how much I saw his humanity
in hearing him talk about the crime.
And realizing
that the crime he had committed
was against me and my family,
it was heavy.
The police found out,
they caught wind
that he was convicted of k*lling Victor.
And for CDCR,
rather than facilitate
reconciliation and healing,
they looked at it as a liability.
And so, they interviewed both of us.
I told them I forgive him.
And when the lieutenant walked in,
he just was like, Hey, man,
send this guy back to his cell.
Send the other guy to the hole.
So rather than allowing them
to put Jamaal in the hole,
I told him instead of putting him
in the hole, I'll go.
And the sergeant was like,
You would go to the hole for him?
And they cuffed me up
and walked me back to the cell.
And I remember this CO,
as we were walking back to the cell
across the yard,
he says,
When you get back to your cell,
you get on your knees and you praise God,
because you passed his test.
You've passed.
Going into the hole,
I felt a sense of peace
because I had done something that
I didn't think I was capable of doing,
or I didn't think I would actually do it.
Scripture tells us, you know,
what the devil intends for evil,
God intends for good.
So, isolation is intended
to isolate the spirit of a human.
And that isolation
can be crushing sometimes.
But when God steps in,
it becomes something different.
That's what was happening in the hole.
I was in isolation, sure,
like, humanly.
But God was with me the whole time.
And it was clear what I had to do.
I had to work.
I needed to use this gift
that God has given me
to talk about something significant.
And as I'm writing these songs,
I don't know if they're significant.
I don't know
if they'll matter to the world, but
I went into writing
with that posture of heart.
Like, say something that matters.
Say what's important.
A yo, you n8tives need to realize
That most of these n*gg*s that can rap
Be kickin' real lies
Man, on the real
I'm droppin' science like I'm Bill Nye
'Cause all these n*gg*s got it twisted
Time to realign
Man eighty nah-wan-romp
Me want me peace of mind
I ask the Lord for some protection
Plus I keep a nine
In case these zombies cravin' flesh
And want a piece of mine
I pray the Lord their souls will wake up
From my freedom rhymes
I feed 'em rhymes from a level
Where they wanna be
Come follow me
'Cause the good you see is God in me
As you progress, you'll start to see
The struggle gotta be
Somewhere between some kinda blessin'
Or the hardest thing
I'm on my deen
Try'na elevate and maintain
My altitude I'm try'na move
Crowds toward change
Like I'm Obama
On my momma, n*gg*s keep playin'
When life get hard and hell a serious
I keep prayin'
I keep prayin', man
When I walk thru the shadow of death
I realize I must uplift
But if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take up
When I walk thru the shadow of death
I realize I must uplift
But if I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take up
I pray that one day
I make it up to the heavens
I pray that one day
I stop trippin' off that Satin
I pray for all my friends
And all my enemies
Sometimes it hard
To tell the difference in between
I pray that one day
I make it up to the heavens
I pray that one day
I stop trippin' off that Satin
I pray for all my friends
And all my enemies
Sometimes it hard
To tell the difference in between
On me
I said, Son, you know as far
as your gift and your talent is concerned,
when you make people happy,
you give them hope,
and you help them find relief
in whatever it is
that they're going through.
Inside here, these men will cherish you.
They will even protect you.
Share your gift.
Bless the people.
I pray, I pray, I pray
- Daddy!
- Yeah?
Did you get the letter,
the news for James?
What news? What?
While in prison,
Mr. Jacob has devoted himself
to his self-development.
I have carefully considered
and weighed the evidence
of Mr. Jacobs' positive conduct in prison.
Therefore I, Gavin Newsom,
Governor of the State of California,
do hereby commute the sentence
of James Jacobs
to make him eligible
for immediate parole consideration
and release upon the grant of parole.
If they grant him parole,
he'll be home in four months,
three to four months.
- Right!
- Yeah.
Good night!
Alright, let me Let me get off...
I don't know what to do now.
Hold on. I gotta
See you guys later.
- Okay, Daddy. Love you.
- I love you, too. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Mm-hmm.
- Think about his life.
- Yeah.
Like, he has a testimony.
I feel affirmed
in who I am
and who I've decided to be.
My mission to create art,
my mission to help heal other people
and heal myself and heal community,
that is what you're supposed to be doing.
Now go do it.
It's like waiting on the bus
when you, like,
sitting on a boulevard,
you sitting at the bus stop,
and you're like,
When is this bus gon' pull up?
And you kind of walk
to the middle of the street
to, like, look down the road
to see if it's coming,
and
waiting on freedom feels like that.
I feel ready to have the conversation
with the board,
because I know who I am.
Yeah, so, anytime now, Mom,
and, uh, he's gonna give me a call.
Hopefully he'll give me a call
if he have the opportunity
to get to the phone. Yeah.
Hey, Auntie.
Yeah, he's he's
he went before the board today,
but, um, I haven't heard from him yet.
- Mm-hmm.
- I thought it was
Oh God! I can't do this.
It was a long hearing.
I'm I'm My stomach is just going crazy.
I know. My heart was beating earlier
Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom.
This call and your telephone number
will be monitored and recorded.
To accept this call, say or dial five now.
Thank you for using Global Tel Link.
My heart can't take much of this, J.
Huh?
Wh-what's up, son?
It didn't go our way, Pop.
I can't believe it, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Son, um
I'm sorry, Dad.
Hey, it's gonna be okay, J.
I'm sorry.
- You don't...
- I'm sorry, Dad.
You don't have to apologize to me, son.
You did your best, son. You're good.
Yeah, we can make this, J.
We can do this, okay?
Ah, man.
I don't know what more I could do, Dad.
I don't know what more I could do.
Like, I don't know who I have to be.
They don't believe me.
They don't believe who I am.
They don't believe me, man.
They don't believe me.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
There's nothing I can do about it.
They talked about the fact that
I contributed work to an album
called Defund the Sheriff.
They talked about them using my face
to change the law for youthful offenders,
and they said that all the work
that I'm doing,
my art and the advocacy work,
they say that it's all just
to build my brand
or to get me out of prison,
but it's not real.
'Cause they used all these things
to say that
I'm a clear and present danger
to the community.
I'm dangerous, they said.
I'm I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe, Pop. I can't breathe.
Yes. Hey, J, um
I can't breathe, man.
It's too much.
It's too much.
Yeah.
It's too much.
I can't be perfect. I'mma fail.
Well
I'm lost for words, J.
But I do know one thing, though.
We can never give up.
We just can't do that.
We just can't do that.
I mean, we can bleed right now,
we can cry right now,
but we can't give up.
You know what I mean? Because...
I ain't gonna give up.
We can't, you know?
Life is is worth more.
Freedom is You know,
it's worth it to go through it.
You have 60 seconds remaining.
You got my word, Dad. I promise you that.
I promise you, Dad.
I ain't gonna never give up.
I promise you
I'm gonna get out of here, Dad.
I promise you. I'mma make it to you.
I promise.
I know, son.
I promise.
- I promise you, I ain't gon' give up.
- I'mma be right there with you.
I promise you.
We gonna make it.
I promise you, Dad.
I promise.
- Yeah.
- I love you.
I love you more than life, son,
and we pick... Lift your head up.
Right now, like I said just...
It's tough.
I try to, like, imagine him in this space.
So as I'm sitting here, I'm like,
What would James do right now
if he was at this river with me?
In my mind, he would sit here,
next to me on this rock,
lean against my back,
and, like, just enjoy the stillness
and the movement.
Like, I know he would do that.
And, um, in my knowing,
I find solace, and I find freedom
and something to hold onto.
Indigo has been telling me,
practically since we met,
that I need to, like,
give space
for 15-year-old James,
that still lives in me,
and tackle
his issues.
If only you understood me,
you'll see my humanity.
The day after board,
I had to write down a list of reasons
to keep living
In my notebook.
Like, I'm looking at right now,
and the last thing I wrote was
my shortcomings do not diminish my good.
I believe that.
On my best days, I believe that.
On my worst days,
I'm not even sure if I have good.
What y'all up to?
- Nothing.
- Nothing. Sleepy.
Yep. Basically.
Wait a minute, James. I'm sorry.
You know I'm getting old.
How old did you turn?
Because Reneasha was telling me...
- Are you serious? 33.
- No. I'm serious.
I'm 34. He's 33.
Crazy.
Huh? No, I...
That's crazy.
You 33.
Oh my... Y'all Y'all getting too old fast.
- Oh, wow.
- You a little old man.
ReeRee getting older faster.
He said you're getting older faster.
I remember my dad, he first realized
that I was taller than him,
he was like, Boy, when did this happen?
He's little now.
I'mma talk to y'all soon.
- Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.
Bye, y'all.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Jamaal wrote me a letter.
I was in the hole
for about three months,
and they transferred me to another prison,
and I never saw him again.
Thank you for taking time out of your day
to read this.
Up until the day
you revealed to me who you were,
I lived as if in a dream.
At the next moment, to awake
to all the heartache, shame, grief,
and cowardice of my past.
A history
that I would have rather forgotten.
There is not, nor will there ever be,
a word or words
that can adequately express, brother,
how sorry I am for what I've done
Thank you from the depths of my soul
for the courtesy and compassion
that you showed me.
You knew of my shameful acts
before I was aware,
and the most easiest thing for you to do
would have been to seek revenge
on the unsuspecting.
But you did not.
Even though anyone
would have understood why.
Your maturity and understanding
is your greatest gift
as well as a foundation worthy of a king.
Can you please relay the same
to your mother?
I wanted to write her too
but I really am at a loss of words
on that one.
In love, honor, and respect, Jamaal.
James modeled the forgiveness
in a way where I had to look at him
and take notes.
He showed me his growth in that,
and then I had to look at it. I said,
Okay, I need to grow from this, too.
The more I forgive,
the freer, honestly, I feel.
I feel like my healing has begun.
In the darkest moments,
I do not know
my significance.
I do not know the impact
that I have had on
the people in my life,
and I do not know
if I will ever have an impact.
But when I have clarity,
I can see clearly
how I've impacted people,
how my art has impacted people.
I tell the brothers in here
a little bit about Jamaal,
how I forgave Jamaal.
And
Every day,
every day, there's multiple people who
are walking up to me
that I don't know, who are like,
Man, you really inspired me.
The things you said about
forgiveness and love
and the things you say about
how to live for family
and live for community
has made me
think about my life.
And they thank me
for just telling my story and telling
my perspective about things.
It's in those moments where I realize
that I am making an impact
on people's lives.
I am doing some good in this world
just by being me.
I authentically believe
in the utility of nonviolence
and the utility of art to tell our stories
and the utility of being vulnerable.
I don't need to perform that.
Authentically, that is me.
And in those moments,
I know that
my shortcomings do not diminish my good.
Enjoyin' this life
'Cause this life got a limit
I don't take nothin' for granted
'Cause nothin' is given, no
We are all runnin' out of time
So I think that
We should have a good time
I just wanna have a good time
I just wanna have a good time
Who need a club
When the kick back is crackin'?
Call up the home girls
And turn up the classics
Backyard is poppin'
Like back in the day
Eyeing my ex-girl from back in the day
These are the days
Roll up and turn up the Maze
I done lived life in a cage
Life can get strange
But we gon' get thru it
Just turn up the music
And let's all go craze
Some of the homies done got shot
Some of the homies done got locked
Gotta put in they time
So if you wonder
Why eighty gon' turn up
It's 'cause n*gg*s been livin'
Like turnips
That's some vegetable minds
It ain't no messin' with mines
N8tive Angelino my celestial tribe
Searchin' for the meaning
We enjoyin' the life
And only peace is welcome
We avoidin' the strife
When I'm destroyin' the mic
It's like I'm
Enjoyin' this life
'Cause this life got a limit
I don't take nothin' for granted
'Cause nothin' is given, no
We are all runnin' out of time
So I think that
We should have a good time
I just wanna have a good time
I just wanna have a good time
We are all runnin' out of time
I just wanna have a good time
I just wanna have a good time
Party so hard
Neighbors hope a n*gga move out
Countin' my blessings
And I just might lose count
People pulled on me
But the g*n ain't sh**t
Cops let me go like
"Nah, it ain't you"
Since when that ever mattered
That's just God lookin' over me
Even though what I am ain't half
Of what I hope to be
I say that openly
God's lookin' over me
Even though what I am
Ain't half of what I hope to be
So please pardon me
If I party like an artist
With his name on a marquee
I done saw things
People dream
When they come back from the w*r, on me
Music is the medicine I'm try'na O.D.
Dance 'til there's pain in my feet
Steppin', reppin' City by the Sea
Homie, shout out to the Beach
If you feel me
Wave your hands to the beat
Sing along with me even if you off-key
'Cause we all just
I've been thinking about freedom
since the day I got locked up
when I was 15.
I've been thinking about that
for 18 years.
I feel like I've been
imagining freedom day so much
that I know exactly what it looks like.
It does feel like
it's already written.
We thank you for liberty.
We thank you for this freedom
that we all are sharing right now
with James.
Eighteen years,
you protected him in the prison.
Eighteen years, you allowed his light
to shine in the dark.
We thank you for it in Jesus' name.
Let everybody say thank God.
- Thank God.
- Amen.
Amen.
Oh boy.
- I love you too, Dad.
- Mm-hmm.
- We made it, J. We made it.
- Thank you, man. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, Dad.
You're welcome, J.
Thank you.
You're welcome, son.
Oh, Victor.
Oh, Victor.
Oh, Vic.
Oh, Vic. Oh, man.
My brother.
Silent sufferin' all alone
Sick of sendin' letters home
Segregation w*r is on
Ese cut a n*gga's throat
Politickin' with the th*gs
Bay n*gg*s, Crips and Bloods
Old homies show me love
All because of who I was
Oh
- Oh, wow.
- It's so good.
Wow.
Look at God.
I'm free.
I'm free.
It has set everybody around you free, too.
You set everybody free.
Yeah.
No time to waste
No time to waste
No time to waste
No wasting time, no wasting time
No wasting time, no wasting time
Don't waste your time, no wasting time
No wasting time, no wasting time
- Yeah!
- That sh*t hot!
- Lay it down towards the end, too.
- That sh*t hot!
No time to waste
No time to waste
No time to waste
No time to waste
Don't waste your time
Don't waste your time
Don't waste my time
Don't waste my time
No wasting time, no wasting time
No wasting time, no wasting time
You know
When you got a glow
You gotta keep it on the low
You know?
They see the flame on the low
Like a wall heater
I got a blower by the insulation
That's a w*r heater
Young warlord leader
From my locs to my sneakers
Got it locked
Like the LOX in your speakers
De block what I reek of
Fresh out, really lost in the freedom
Of gold chains
And trips to Puerto Rico
When your money new
You know them lions on the prowl
Like it's high noon
Pigs want my hide too
Turn a life sentence to a haiku
I grew up sh**ting dice in day rooms
Watching dialbacks turn to DPs
By the payphone
Homie, I got homies
That's gonna stay gone
Rest in peace Harvey J
Every day is fourth and long
But you know eighty don't punt
Running through the yards
After bus sin' out Galants
Every night I pray
'Cause first light, I'm on the hunt
Baby, I'm a baller
Even if my height stunt
Crackers set the bar
I leaped it like a high jump
I deserve a gold medal
You know, n*gro Olympians
I danced with them devils
Did a couple head spins
They took they pound of flesh
And now they owe me dividends
It's evident, yeah
Never was expected to win, yeah!
We here now
We here now
Was up the road, the walk was long
I stood alone on all ten toes
Paid my dues, I kept it true
They set the trap, I made it through
Was up the road, the walk was long
I stood alone on all ten toes
We here now
Paid my dues, I kept it true
They set the trap, I made it through
I'm here now
On me
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