02x02 - Jack and Rose

[bunniefuu]

So lay it out for us, Admiral.

- What's the conundrum?
- The Titanic Museum

is one of the most popular
in the world,

and it's all thanks
to the blockbuster film

about the timeless romance
between Jack and Rose.

I love that movie.

I even saw it in 3D.

It felt like
I was drowning to death.

Meanwhile, attendance here
at the Lusitania Museum is

- at an all-time low.
- What?! That's ridiculous.

Do people not even realize
that when the Lusitania

was torpedoed
by a German U-boat in 1915,

it triggered U.S. involvement
in World w*r I?

Historically, the Lusitania's

way more significant
than the Titanic!

I know. We're going to have
to close our doors for good

if we don't get more visitors.

So why not make
a Lusitania movie

to get people excited about it?

You think we haven't tried?

Every time we pitch one,

we're accused
of ripping off Titanic.

But then we had

a better idea.

If we could somehow find

evidence that the Lusitania had
a real-life romance on it,

that would beat
any Hollywood fantasy

and our museum would finally get

the crowds it deserves.

So what do you want us to do?

Please, dive down

to the wreckage of the Lusitania

and find us our Jack and Rose.

Bubbles!

How's it going down there, guys?

Find any signs of true love?

That's a negative, good buddy.

Roger that.

"Good buddy"?

Um, yeah.

I like the sound of that.

Whoa! Rip, get over here, quick.

What is it?

The historical record
has always claimed

the Lusitania's carpets
were tan, but look--

they're actually blue.

Oh, damn it, Saltine,
who gives a sh*t?

Hey, what's this?

A giant octopus! Oh, my God!

No, no, no, no, no.

It died.

Choked on plastic.

A sad reminder that octopuses

are truly stupid animals.

Whoa, Rip, check it out.

A perfectly preserved cabin
with historical treasure untold?

Uh, yeah, Mother's rock-hard.

It's a scrapbook.

"Jack and Rose:

Our True Story"?

So Jack and Rose were real?

And they were
also on the Lusitania?!

Not just the Lusitania--

the Titanic, the HMS Bulwark,

the Liberté.
Jack and Rose

were aboard
every major shipwreck

of the early 20th century.

- Wow, that's some bad luck.
- No.

Luck had nothing to do with it.

They were responsible
for those shipwrecks.

And this scrapbook proves it.

- You mean...
- That's right, Swooper,

my good buddy-- Jack and Rose

were homicidal maniacs!

All I heard
was "good buddy" again,

and I am loving it!

This shows exactly how

Jack and Rose sank each ship--

steering the Titanic
into an iceberg

after roofie'ing the captain,

lighting a b*mb on the Lusitania

and then framing
those poor innocent Germans.

The list goes on and on.

Wow. This is crazy.

The Titanic movie
means so much to so many people.

I mean, Jack and Rose basically
caused my sexual awakening.

If people found out,
they'd be crushed.

So what are you saying?

You think
we should keep this a secret?

Damn it, Saltine,

if you sit on a hot potato
like this,

it burns your whole a*s.

You think I don't know
a potato burns your a*s?

It's just...

this one hits close to home.

Well, if you ever want to become
a full-blown arky like me,

there's one super important
lesson you need to learn.

Exposing the truth
is worth any consequence.

I understand.

Sometimes the status...

can't remain quo.

Uh, okay, whatever that means.

You love your Latin.

All right,
time to call Boat Boy.

Land h*.

I hope you're sitting down.

One sec.

Hit me.

We just found out
that Jack and Rose were real

and they were t*rrorists.

They sunk the Titanic,
the Lusitania and more!

Incredible!
Who were they working for?

I cannot tell as of yet.

None of the targets
have anything in common

as of yet.

It's a complete
and utter mystery...

as of yet.

I can't wait to rub this
in the faces

of those Titanic snobs
across the street.

They'll rue the day they called
me Lieutenant Lamewad.

I'm an admiral, damn it!

Knock-knock. Admiral Lamewad!

Here's the evidence that'll
disgrace Jack and Rose forever.

I'm just gonna turn
your chair around.

Admiral Lamewad!

He's now the late
Admiral Lamewad.

Who would do such a thing?

Arr!

I would, matey.

The name's Ice Bergens.

Oh, my God!

Is it International
Talk Like a Pirate Day?

Yes! Now hand over
the scrapbook, ya scallywag,

or you'll find yourself
in Davy Jones' locker.

Yeah, no, totally.
Makes perfect sense.

But let me just give
a little bump of narcotic

to my furry friend here first.

Look.

He's with the Titanic Museum.

The Admiral
must have run his mouth.

Looks like they don't want
the truth

about Jack and Rose to get out.

We have to alert
the authorities.

Oh, my God.
Alert the authorities?

I mean, I agree we should,

but you sound like
such a zark, Saltine.

But, yeah, no, I agree.

It's a really good idea.
Let's do it.

Officer,

we'd like to report a m*rder.

Crime is my very field of trade.

I'd be happy to help.

Why don't you, uh,
come join me in this dark alley

and tell me all about it?

Actually, never mind.

I just remembered
they died of natural causes.

- What is it?
- The Titanic Museum is one

of the most powerful
institutions on the planet.

They have people everywhere.

We can't trust anyone.

I got to warn Agatha

and Swoops.

Rip, our HQ was ransacked.

Oh, damn it!
It's the Titanic Museum.

Okay, Agatha, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but it's a Code 36.

We're out of Turkish delight?

Oh, whoops. I meant Code 37.

Code 37!

Good God! Code 37.

I understand.

Farewell, Rip.

- What's Code 37?
- Code 37 means

all our lives
are in grave danger

and so we scatter to the wind.

Oh, that was crazy. Some wind
blew right when I said that.

Do we really need to do this?

- Go into hiding?
- Yes, Saltine.

The Titanic Museum is basically
like the CIA plus the yakuza.

They're bloodthirsty K*llers
who will stop at nothing

to preserve their legacy.

Holy-- and I don't say this
lightly-- guacamole.

Welcome to my safe house,
Saltine.

Now, the Titanic Museum
is only after us

so we don't reveal the truth
about Jack and Rose.

But once the truth's out there,

they won't k*ll us because
everyone will know it was them.

And I know
just how to spread the word.

Welcome back to The Night Show!

with your host,
Chortles Collins.

It's time for another edition
of "On The Contrary."

Let's take a look at a clip
of Senator Potts.

I think Americans would be happy
to pay higher taxes

if it means their congressmen
get raises.

Um, Senator,

on the contrary.

Chortles Collins.

The most trusted name
in late-night comedy news.

Can't we talk
to a real reporter?

Sadly, no real news organization

reaches all of America now,
Saltine.

Only Chortles does.
He bridges the divide.

That is true. But how would you
even get booked on the show?

Because Chortles
owes me a favor.

Wait, you know Chortles Collins?

Indeed I do. We went
to boarding school together.

Actually, we went through
a lot more than that together.

You know that book,
Lord of the Flies?

Yes.

We once had to read it
for English class.

Whoa...

Okay, everybody, that's it.
I got every last one of you.

Mr. Collins, you are just as
nice off camera as you are on.

Yeah, tell that
to my proctologist.

- Hello, Chortles.
- Aah!

Rip Digman?

The last time I saw you,

d*ck Cheney was still looking

for his weapons
of mass destruction.

Oh, no!

Hey, please just save
the gut busters, friend,

or I'll never get through this.

Okay, here's the deal.

You have to let me
be a guest on your show.

I've made an amazing find and I
need to share it with the world.

What is it?

For your own safety,

I can only tell you live,
on-air.

But you have to trust me.
It's huge.

So, can I come on
tomorrow night?

I don't know, Rip.

I've already got Zane booked
on the show.

Ugh.

Th-That's fine.
It doesn't matter.

Look, you owe me, Chortles.

I don't owe you anything.

Oh, don't you?

I shared my answers with you
on a vocab test in eighth grade.

If it weren't for me,
you'd have never learned

the word "contrary."

And now I owe my career
to that word.

Okay, fine. Tomorrow night.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have tickets for the theater.

And we're back.

So, Zane, tell me more
about Puffington Day.

Oh, yeah,
that's right, Chortles.

My wife hails
from the kingdom of Puffland,

and Puffington Day
is a beloved holiday

that celebrates
their most sacred traditions.

Yeah, screwing
and getting our drink on.

And that's why we've written
a children's book.

I love it. Okay, everyone,

my next guest
is a disgraced arky

who is currently on the lam,
Rip Digman.

♪

Wow, Rip, you look and smell

- terrible.
- Shut up!

- Great to see you, Rip.
- Shut up!

Now everyone buckle
your seat belts,

'cause I've got some shocking
information I need to share

about a certain
beloved shipwreck.

- What the?
- Yes, it's time for me

to reveal the unsettling truth,

- which is...
- Let's play "What's in the Box!"

Huh?

Reach into that box and tell us
what you think's inside.

sh*t!

We think it's sh*t.

Why'd you cut me off?

What the... A g*n?

On live TV? What is this,
The Murray Franklin Show?

Sorry, Rip,
I don't have a choice.

The Titanic Museum
is our top sponsor.

So not another word
about Jack and Rose,

or else.

Son of a b*tch!

That's right. It was sh*t.

So, Rip,

you were saying something
about a shipwreck

or your life flashing
before your eyes or something?

Uh, yeah. I wanted to say...

everybody thinks
the Lusitania had tan carpets,

but they were actually blue.

You don't say.
Well, blue definitely beats tan.

"Um, hi, yes,
I'd like to buy a carpet

the color of dirt, please."

"Yes, that's right,

dirt, where worms live."

What the hell?

I just launched
a line of tan carpets

with the slogan "As tan
as the Lusitania's carpet."

Hello? You want to cancel

your order for a tan carpet?

And you do, too?

Seriously, old friend,
if you're smart,

you'll keep your nose out of
the Titanic Museum's business.

I'm just looking out
for you here.

Chortles, you ruined me!

Look out! He's got an
industrial-sized staple g*n!

- Huh? Oh.
- It's not that bad.

You're gonna make it, buddy.

On the contrary. I'm signing off
for the last time.

Rip, listen to me. I messed up.

Got in too deep
with the Titanic people.

You don't know the whole truth.

The lock, Rip. The lock...

is the key.

Goodbye, my dear, sweet friend.

All right, call the coroner.

We got a big
f*cking corpse here.

Uh, okay, so, Chortles
turned out to be a bust.

We got to blow the lid
off this thing fast.

The body count keeps rising.

All right,
let's get back to the clue.

Chortles said,
"The lock is the key." Hmm.

What if he didn't mean
a lock of hair,

but instead,
some other sort of lock?

Or what if he did mean
a lock of hair?

Saltine, you're brilliant.

Let's see.
Isn't there, isn't there.

Yes! The scrapbook has a lock
of Rose's hair.

I can send it off
to be DNA tested.

We'll just have to wait 48 hours
for the results.

Which just so happens to be
the perfect amount of time

to finally binge-watch
all 48 episodes

of the acclaimed, prestige
TV show The Boddingtons.

And that's why
we'll always be...

the Boddingtons.

Well, that sucked.

We weren't wondering why
they were the Boddingtons.

The DNA results are in.

Oh, my goggles.

They had a daughter!

- Go away.
- Wait.

Laverne Dawson. We know
your parents are Jack and Rose

from the Titanic.

And the Lusitania.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

We know the truth about them.

But if there's more to
the story, we want to hear it.

Jack and Rose taught an
entire generation of teenagers

what it means to be horny.

You got the wrong old lady.

You know what?
Forget it, Saltine.

Let's just go tell
the world the truth.

Oh. Dang.

When it turned out
"the lock is the key" meant

Jack and Rose had a daughter,
I was hoping

she could explain
why they sunk all those ships.

Me too, but she said
she's not the right person

and frankly, I believe her.

I mean, the lead did come
from that jokester Chortles,

so I guess we should have taken
it the way I take my pretzels:

with a grain of salt.

Whoop! Hold on.
My phone's ringing.

It's Swooper. Oh, yeah.

I was wondering what he
and Agatha have been up to

for the past week.

I bought this farmhouse
a couple years ago.

It's really off the beaten path,
so we should be safe.

Wow. Me, in a small town?
I'll certainly

miss my metropolitan lifestyle
in the big city.

Two macchiatos, please.

I'm afraid we only have
regular old coffee here.

Guessing you don't get
too many worldly globetrotters

in here, huh?

It's gonna be hard for me

to adjust to life
in this Podunk town!

I couldn't help but overhear--
because you're screaming--

but this town actually
has a lot of charms.

May I give you a tour?

That'd be great.

Okay, let's go see shitsville.

♪ Tell me
what you want this year ♪

♪ I only want you... ♪

Our number one export
is hot cocoa.

- Hmm.
- Our number two export

- is tiny little marshmallows.
- Hmm.

Our number three export
is fracking.

And we have horse-drawn sleighs
instead of cars

and carrot stations
instead of gas stations.

And, uh,
where can I find a vibrant,

experimental theater scene?

- You can't.
- Okay.

Me and my bodega guy are gonna

have a good laugh about this.

- Wow!
- That's the mayor's house.

And, yes,
it is made out of gingerbread.

Kind of makes me want
to take a bite.

I'm actually freezing
my two nuts off!

The Christmasberg Town Tree.

Whoever wins the Cookie Baking
Competition gets to light it.

Lady, I think
I speak for both of us

when I say who gives a sh*t?

Aw, f*ck!

♪ 'Cause at Christmastime ♪

♪ I only want you. ♪

This gingerbread cookie tastes

as good as one
of my house's walls.

The winner is Agatha!

Huzzah!

I'm so pissed off.

Who would
do something like this?

I saw the whole thing!

It was Swooper.

Let's find him and k*ll him!

We'll tear him limb from limb
and bathe in his blood.

No one is safe!

Let's go, everybody.

Agatha? I'm scared.

Shh. It's going to be all right.

I miss working for Rip.

Going all over the world.
So great.

Don't worry. Soon,
we're gonna work for Rip again.

- You mean it?
- Yup.

We're gonna work for Rip
and you're gonna fly a big,

shiny airplane in the sky.

And there's gonna be rabbits
on the plane.

All the soft, furry rabbits
you can imagine.

Stop right there.

Drop the g*n.

Wait. You were gonna
blow my head off?

Give me your phone.

Whoop, hold on,

my phone's ringing.
It's Swooper.

Hey, Swooper, real quick,

don't talk sh*t about Saltine

'cause I have you on speaker.
Okay, go.

This isn't Swooper.
It's Ice Bergens.

It is? But you're not talking

- like a pirate at all.
- Yes, because it's no longer

Talk Like A Pirate Day.
I have your friends.

If you ever want to see 'em
again, let's make a trade.

Your friends for the scrapbook.

Don't give in, Rip!

Just tell Cornelia I had

- a wonderful first date.
- Yeah, Rip, don't do it.

Just give me
a proper l*sbian funeral.

Tomorrow night,


in New York City.

The very pier where the
Titanic was supposed to dock.

No sh*t. Neat.

Okay, yeah, we'll be there.

And then you'll go down faster
than the Titanic herself.

Assuming you have a plan,
Saltine. Do you?

- No.
- Oh, no, we're f*cked!

I'm sorry, Saltine.

I was trying to teach you

that exposing the truth is worth
any consequence.

But then, as soon
as I faced real consequences,

I buckled like the back half
of Garfield's owner's last name.

Hello, Rip.

What the hell?

Is it International
Crazy Hat Day or something?

Yes. Now, the scrapbook.
Bring it to me.

Uh, okay. Of course.

Just one second.

Here I go.

What's the holdup?

Is revealing
the truth more important

than your friends' lives?

Oh, yes!

And Arky of the Year goes to...

Rip Digman!

Obrigado! Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Oh.

Rip Digman
has just hit a grand slam

to win the World Series!

And on the eve of his wedding
to Princess Beautiful.

Agatha, Swooper,

I did it! Oh.

Well, you had
a good ride, buddy.

Did you hear that,
Swooper and Agatha?

Wait a sec. Where are they?

Why?!

What's the holdup?

Is revealing the truth
more important

than your friends' lives?

Oh, no!

Rip Digman and two friends

win the four-legged race.

For the second year in a row,

Rip Digman and friends
win the four-legged race.

And we have a new champion.

Sadly, Rip and his two friends
could not be here today.

And I now know what I must do.

All right,
now you can just go ahead

and hand over Swooper
and Agatha, like we agreed.

And hey, why not let 'em keep
the funny hats?

Oh, they can keep the hats...
in their coffins.

You double-crossed us.

You know the truth
about Jack and Rose.

We certainly can't let you live.

He said, unaware
of a huge zit on his forehead.

Whoa!

Holy cow! Whoa!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Laverne? What in the dickens
is going on?

In polite society,
a thank you would be in order.

Oh, yeah, thank you. I'm still
just a little freaked out

from seeing four guys get
their heads blown clean off!

I mean, I still got prefrontal
cortex on my face.

And let's just say
it smells like brain gunk.

You saved us
even though we're the ones

who want to reveal the truth
about your parents.

That's why I saved you,
you nincompoop.

My whole life, I hid the truth
about my parents

because I thought
it would hurt people.

But you showed me
that hurting people

is exactly what
the Titanic Museum is doing.

It's time to put an end
to this madness

and tell the world what I know.

Oh, okay. Well, in that case,

why did they sink
all those ships?

- ♪
- My parents had a rare

sexual predilection.

They could only get turned on

while on the deck
of a sinking ship.

Like the characters in that
David Cronenberg movie Crash,

but instead of car crashes,
it was shipwrecks.

Okay, that makes sense.

If they weren't sinking a ship,

Jack couldn't get hard
and Rose couldn't ovulate.

We're not quite sure that's
exactly how the science works,

but sounds like
they were pretty convinced.

Uh, I'm a doctor, and I can say

- that is how the science works.
- Thank you.

But I should warn you,
I'm a bit of a quack.

- Will you shut the f*ck up?
- Anyway, that's why

they m*rder*d thousands
of people.

So they could start a family.

Wow, this really ruins
Jack and Rose for everyone.

So why tell us this?

Because of one man: Rip Digman.

Ah, so this is all
Rip Digman's fault?

Wait, wait.
I wouldn't say it's my fault.

They're the ones
who sank all those ships.

I just revealed the truth, which
is my solemn duty as an arky.

Rip ruined Jack and Rose.

You suck, Rick.

Why's everyone mad at me?

I guess that's
just the "consequence"

for exposing the truth,
huh, Rip?

- Uh-huh.
- You know what I mean?

That thing
you kept saying to me?

- Yup.
- Seems like it's kind of

coming full circle
and biting you in the a*s.

All right, I vaguely
see your point, Saltine.

And I suppose it would be ironic
if I happened

to give three shits!

After all,

we are...

the Boddingtons.

This show sucks!

But doesn't it
at least feel good

to all be back together again?

Not if we have
to watch this sh*t.

It gets good. Briefly.

And then really bad again
for the whole rest of it.

- No!
- Come on!

Aw, I missed you guys.

Yup. Enjoy the time
you have left, Saltine.

- What does that mean?
- You'll find out soon enough.

Sometime between the second
and third annual arky picnics.

- What?
- All right.

Bring it in,
you, knuckleheads.

Rip Digman and his friends

were not so nice as we imagined.

Perhaps their names need to be
added to a different list.

Chirp.

♪ MTV. ♪