Ick (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Wallace! What are you waiting on? A

trail of rose petals, princess?

Let's go!

We got a game to win!

Get your hand here!

A giant mansion with a giant pool that

has a bad hot tub that's connected to

this giant pool so I can swim from hot

to cold whenever I want.

Yes.

I love you, Cesar.

It holds ten songs.

I put all our favorites on it.

Let us change your life, kid.

Our little secret.

Can't move across the whole country.

I only left Eastbrook twice. Once for a

game in Bicklesburg and then once in

Bicklesburg by accident.

I should probably mark Bicklesburg

better.

Son, let me tell you a little story

about the Beatles.

They played about 250 shows in all these

little shitholes in and around the city

of Hamburg.

And you know how they became the biggest

band in the world?

In fact, they left him.

Hey,

why

don't you go dance with Ted Kemp?

Are you serious?

Yeah. He looks lonely.

America needs its traditions.

In words, it's just that I've had more

holes filled in her grandpa's bowling

ball. Take me home. Yeah.

Probably shouldn't, because, um, you

know, I'm, I'm thinking of you.

Going to Dr.

Jones. I can drive you.

on this drive.

Eastbrook needs this W against

Picklesburg. And break.

we're not fighting could it be

structure that's been apart from other

single -celled organisms.

Hello,

my old friend.

Living in the past, Hank?

You were a bright kid, even if you

didn't apply yourself.

I bet there's a lot more you could offer

Eastbrook High.

Uh, forget.

Forget your preconceptions about

bacterial reproduction.

Because most of it's asexual, which, you

know, you kids should all be.

You know, until true love or whatever.

And use protection.

Okay, let's see what kind of nasty bugs

live in our mouths.

I just need everybody to spit in this.

That's what your mom said.

Hey, come on, guys. Phones away. We have

important things to do.

Mr. Wallace?

Yeah, Grace?

What's on our phones is important.

Why aren't we talking about the ick?

Okay, great.

Let's talk about the ick.

There's no origin story for ick.

We didn't watch it arrive on a meteor or

escape from a government lab.

It's just here.

First, we hardly noticed.

But each day, year by year, it kept

growing.

It doesn't move, at least we don't

think.

It's stationary as a plant, growing,

spreading slowly.

It's omnipresent, but not bothersome

enough that cars can't drive down the

street. People can't go about their

usual routines.

Most folks choose to ignore the ick

altogether, hoping it just goes away.

Especially with rumors swirling that

it's starting to attack.

All right.

Bring up your future dishes on the desk,

please.

Have a good day.

Hey, Grace.

How's your mom?

Fine, Mr. Wallace.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

How's your mom?

Dead.

Despite protests by the school's safety

officer, this year's prompting the

millennial to get in the problematic

spirit by only consenting to 2000's

Did you see Charlie's TikTok about how

the ick is pure gluten?

What's gluten?

Check this out, Jasmine.

Straight up video of the asteroid that

brought the ink. That's the scene from

the movie Armageddon. We have to take

this problem seriously, not turn it into

meme.

Look, the ink is just frankenfood GMOs

set free from Monsanto Labs.

That's why I only eat organic.

Bro!

Cultural appropriate much?

I'm a 64th Cherokee with receipts, and

I'm telling you, Jay Guava wouldn't

approve of your capitalistic colonial

mindset, son.

Come on.

Almost lost my appetite.

We're joined now by our political panel.

Clearly, the ick disproportionately

affects black and brown voters. Well, I

heard the ick started in China.

Bad eating weirdos.

Maybe the government will send a team to

help clean it up.

Well, we're definitely not getting any

help.

Hola, Mr.

Hank.

Hola, Senora Diaz. Mi abuela.

She's, um, how do you say bruja? Your

grandma likes to make beer?

What a surprise. It's coming from the

ick -worshipping leftist cabal. You

kidding me?

Bruja is a witch. Mi abuela Bruja says

the ick is a gift from the gods. If

you're over in front of global warming.

Go.

The ick won't save us, Sofia.

It's vicious.

Are you staring at my boobs? No, I

wasn't staring at your boobs. That is so

inappropriate. You're a teacher.

You're kidding me again.

The ick does not move, mi amor.

Well, I know what I saw.

on the American voters is government

overreach. Well, you're right,

when the data is clear that vitamin D is

an effective... Oh, my God, I'm

pregnant. Have some class, you piece

of... Prom tickets are now available,

so am I. Taking all offers, even

gestures, I'm very lonely.

Well, Griffin, if he takes you to prom,

you'll let him play with your boots.

Okay. Wait, what? No. You want to spend

another summer doing steampunk cosplay

at the Ren Faire? How are we friends?

Hi.

Hey.

Watch your drawing.

Wow, that's really good.

What kind of monkey is that?

Uh, it's a regular monkey.

Huh.

Problems come up. I'll let you play with

my... Never mind.

This week's film close rating is Bella

Tarr's low cinema masterpiece, Sock and

Tango. Enjoy seven hours of Bulgarians

being sad in black and white. Or don't.

Let's go!

You ladies are moving slower than these

tar tentacles!

That's r*cist.

Attaboy.

I'm bored.

Is the ick gonna do anything?

It's been here, like, two months.

Jocelyn, the ick's been here for years.

Huh. I guess I just never really noticed

what it's doing here. What's anything

doing here?

This town sucks.

You girls smoking? No.

I'm good.

This takes a second.

I wrote a new poem.

Industrial Love Stink, number three.

Going for that Ginsberg vibe.

I mean, it's what I've... We're on,

like, 13 seconds, so I don't, like, care

anything.

But I'll probably minor in poetry when

we get to Overland next year.

I'm not going.

Babe. What, you're going to get off the

wait list? A wait list is a slow motion

swipe left of college admissions.

I'm not leaving Eastbrook. I'm staying

here.

So you just want to grow fat and old

eating Velveeta sandwiches like the rest

the proletariat?

Don't be off with my parents.

Hank, heaven knows I hate to jinx a

sale, but doesn't it seem kind of stupid

a... D -R -U -N -K.

To buy B -A -R.

Honey, Hank's smarter than he looks.

Thanks.

Hank. Do you guys think the ick is in

the plumbing and we're all drinking it?

Probably. Congratulations, Hank.

Cool. Thank you. Are we done? Can we go

home now? Grace, don't be rude.

Grace has been down in the dumps ever

since she got weightless to that

Thanks, Dad.

Tell the world what a loser I am. There

is no shame here.

As an Asian American, Grace had to score

150 points higher on the SATs than her

Caucasian counterparts just to be

considered for the same Ivy League. Now

wants to skip college entirely.

Yes, parents. Tell me more about me.

Delaying life never really works out.

That's why we see the dentist every six

months.

Fade with them from here.

Totes fave teach.

Mrs. Brown is my totes fave teach. Mrs.

Brown has booing gums. Grace is a

Capricorn. January 10th, she hates unmet

goals.

January? No, Grace is born in February.

Grace, are you not a python?

Don't tell Ted!

We're closed!

Why don't we celebrate?

December, November, October.

Fish, mercury, rice, carbs.

Chinese. She was conceived in April, not

May. MSG. All Asian food will k*ll you,

hon. We're Asian, dad.

I don't think so.

I don't think that Asian food is so bad.

You know?

I read it.

Oh, sh**t. Well, you never know.

So I said to the salesman, this doesn't

look like Mojave ivory metallic to me.

And he said, Ted, you've got a real nose

for detail.

This is...

is iridium ivory metallic.

And since we fouled up and sold the

Mojave ivory metallic to a coke dealer

Wickelsburg, you can have the iridium

ivory metallic intended for him with

bulletproof UV protected windows at no

extra charge.

Louis Vuitton pepper spray for you to

fend off handsy college boys.

Hopefully you still get to use it. Think

about what you're saying for just

like... One g*dd*mn second, Mom.

Great. Wouldn't you agree you need to

invest in your future? Sweetheart, Dr.

Kirk asks you to stop lecturing in the

form of a question. Darling, do you

recall Dr.

Kirk asking you to recognize my need to

process information my way?

That's wonderful, dear. It's delightful

having an expert's opinion on your

compulsive need for expensive toys.

Angel, Dr.

Kirk says my desire for beautiful things

is natural and healthy.

Well, I hope your car doesn't turn into

a pumpkin. Pumpkin.

Jesus!

Stop nice fighting.

Who cares about tans and luxury cars?

There's a monster on the lawn.

Monster swing?

UV light.

Fascinating, Captain.

All right, Hank.

It's go time.

Live from

NYC. Challenge.

Despite the viral TikTok trends we've

seen in America, school health officials

ask you to not lick the ick. And for the

love of God, do not do the ick.

This is what we in the industry call a

kick -a*s letter of recommendation from

your toe -thick babe teach.

After some such a joy.

Grace,

no, it's to help you get off the wait

list.

My parents must be super desperate to

talk you into this.

Grace, hey, you know the Beatles, right?

The what?

The Beatles.

The Beatles spent three years in

Hamburg, okay?

But do you know how they became the best

band in the world? They had a unique

dual songwriting team in Lennon and

McCartney that accepted constructive

criticism resulting in albums with few

fillers alongside innovative marketing

with concept albums and music videos.

That's good.

Grace, you have so much potential.

That's the polite way of saying I'm not

good enough the way I am.

Yachtoon, you're old.

You know, Sofia, I've been practicing my

Spanish.

And I thought, maybe, perhaps you might

tutor me?

Paquito.

Paquito.

Quiero montar esta noche en mi cuchillo.

Do you use such filthy words to seduce

great Kim?

I will not go. Turn the lights off.

Carry me home.

Hey, Meowie.

I know you're still alive.

Buddy?

That's better, right?

Well,

hey. Long time, friend.

But, uh, bar's not even open yet.

Don't even have any booze.

Where's the key?

Okay. One more.

Then I'm cutting you off.

Never mind.

I'm gonna call you a doctor, right?

Thank you.

this nectar of the g*n.

Fear not the plague. Use the rubber.

Bro, you gotta tell me which of these

b*tches are legal.

Sarah Q, Ashley T, Tia, Tara, Mackenzie

G, Mackenzie F, Tori, Zoe, Amber, Why

does Mr. Wallace even give a sh*t

anyway?

Who does he think he is?

Maybe she's had enough. I'm fine.

Why don't you go find Heather? She is

madly in love with you.

Don't be a cop.

Hey, guys, guys.

Hank Walden?

Ah, man!

Guys, if you won't believe it, I can't

even explain it. There was a cat and a

man and a hick.

A hick. A hick.

A hick is horrible.

Hey, why don't you take a ride with us?

We're about to bust up a high school

kicker at the whole boy's house and

steal their beer. Party like we're 18

We even brought an old friend.

Yo.

The ancient one.

Oh, well,

we did have fun back in the day, boys,

but I'm going to have to say that I'm a

little too old for that these days.

And, you know, just saying this as a

friend, sometimes you got to admit when

have a problem.

I'm afraid we cannot allow you to be

such a wet blanket.

The old Hank Wallace was a dope bro.

What's with all this wee -wee -wee?

He never turned down the opportunity to

get turned up.

Not a lot of the old Hank Maffei things,

boys.

I've got a big surprise for you.

Hank.

She's been asking for you, Hank.

Sophia. Mr. Hank.

Mi amor.

I don't think so.

En espaol, por favor.

Just one.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Possessed is an ugly word for such a

beautiful experience.

The icksies are valued. We were chosen.

For those it does not value, it

consumes.

You can't take it off me. I'll never

move to the Cowboys again.

It's overwhelming and numbing.

Yeah. That's why we gotta leave

Eastbrook.

Eastbrook? No.

I'm talking about the ick.

I think the ick is watching us.

Did you see Celeste is rocking cornrows

on Insta?

Someone has to stop her.

This isn't a joke, Dylan.

No, it isn't, Grace.

Cultural colonialism is literal

violence.

The ick never stole the hair of my

people.

Look, I'm gonna go make a round.

Who are you snapping?

Was it that nose guard from Wittelsburg?

Backstabbing, h*.

Great, listen to me. The cops are coming

to break up the party at Hobart's. If

you're there, you need to leave now.

Okay, you're in danger. In case I never

see you again, I need you to know that

I... I might be your dad.

Hey, oh, we had sex that one time, and

trust me, you ain't nobody's daddy,

Didn't you say you was moving to Kansas?

This is gross.

Yeah, this is not a good time. I gotta

go. I'm in Kansas.

Hypnotizing I am.

Captivated I am.

Vindicated! I am selfish!

I am wrong!

I am right! I swear I'm right!

Thanks

for

saying you liked my monkey.

Your regular monkey?

All right, Darcy.

10 minutes of heat from you to me.

It's k*lling people. It's eating them

alive.

Everyone has to get to safety.

Mr. Wallace, I know a man who could use

a beer when I see one. Just grab

yourself a cup. God damn it.

Do you kids all want to be zombies?

And not the cool, sexy kind like in

Harry Potter?

Take it rolling, thug.

I'm talking the demonic, soulless type.

Grace, Grace.

Get out of here. We gotta go. What the

hell?

Take your pervy minutes off her.

Look, Dylan, I don't expect you to

understand.

I just have to get her out of here.

Oh, I get it.

Screwed the mom, now you've got to screw

the daughter.

That's some real Freudian noise.

Weird old damn.

Hey, don't be ableist. Okay.

Look, just because you threw a ball a

billion years ago doesn't make you

special. I can throw a ball, and when

I'm gone, someone else will throw a

Nothing means nothing.

Go.

Please.

when it was just getting good.

That's gotta hurt.

Am I right?

I think the way Jason talks to you is

totally misogynistic.

I mean, calling you a hoe?

Personally, I don't see gender. If I

did, I would worship women.

That doesn't make any sense.

Gender binary doesn't make sense to me.

Monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy to

keep women oppressed and survive.

Now let's get nasty.

You are going to bang a teenager, stud.

How much are you going to miss all these

knuckleheads after you graduate?

Well, my favorite French modernist, my

fellow shard, said,

we give each other memories when we

leave each other.

Yeah, I have no idea what you just said.

And that is why you are the coolest girl

in Eastbrook.

I'm not calling for that again, d*uche

novel.

No, I'm just kidding!

I think I'm going to Picklesburg next

weekend. I've never been.

It's a capuchin.

What? My regular monkey.

It's called a capuchin.

I like that.

It wasn't me.

W, is someone watching you tinkle?

Listen up, scum suck.

Exposing pedos is extremely our sh*t.

Don't let it touch you. Obviously.

Whoa, Mr. Wallace?

Oh,

man.

Debra, I'm sorry I called you a hoe.

Hey, what's the most important location

in this town?

My name is Dr.

Althea Prentiss, and I am in charge of

the federal response in this state. Now,

the governor has spoken to your mayor,

and we have been ordered out of

to our main mission. We are not

abandoning you, Eastbrook. I'm leaving

contingent to fortify this building.

I suggest that you stay inside there.

We cannot help you if you go outside.

What could be more important than the

taxpayers of Eastbrook?

We're headed to Wickelsburg to protect

their hydroelectric dam.

Dang. Wickelsburg.

Here's what we know so far.

After decades in stasis, the

intercellular kinoplasm known as ICK

has reached its kinetic state.

How long will that last? We don't know

for certain, but we are estimating

four to eight years.

No, please, people, listen to me, listen

to me. The government cannot save you

right now, okay? We simply do not have

the resources, not without raising

Big government socialism.

Oh, come on, coach.

You come to the school at $5 ,000 to get

a jacuzzi in the boys' locker room.

Oh, so football is socialism now, Hank?

You make me sick. People of East, listen

to me, okay?

Barricade your doors and your windows,

okay?

Stop up your sinks and your drains.

And for God's sake, please, again, do

not go outside.

Our kids can still go to prom tomorrow,

right?

Uh, yeah. You should definitely cancel

prom.

My daughter is going to be prom queen.

How dare you try to take that away from

us? Ma 'am, I am not trying to take

anything away from anybody.

I am just merely saying that this

information... Children died last night.

False flag.

Process actors.

Ted Kim.

Kim Real Estate. If I may.

What? I think we're all on the same page

here, Doctor.

East Brookings need our lives to proceed

as normal.

Otherwise, see it win.

Wouldn't you agree, Doctor Prentiss?

No.

Well, I'm sure we agree that's just your

opinion.

And wouldn't you also agree that we are

entitled to our opinions?

Hell no!

Don't go outside!

But the fact that an average Joe like me

can step up and have his ideas

respected as equal to an expert, that's

what makes this country really super.

Listen up, you ruse.

You've got to take responsibility for

your own...

If they wanted to build a mosque, they'd

take it

seriously. Oh, Dr. Prentiss, please

wait.

You're absolutely right about the

dangers of the ick. I've experienced

firsthand. I'm Hank Wallace, a science

teacher here in Eastbrook. I have a

theory about the ick.

Please. You're right about the ick going

through a new stage of growth.

But it's also going through a stage of

active cellular respiration. However, it

still maintains a stage of

photosynthesis.

Meaning, it still has to hibernate.

And that is how we k*ll the ick.

See, because it's eukaryote. And it

collects UV light, converts it into

energy.

But it can't convert and collect at the

same time.

That's why it only grows in the dark,

outside and inside.

But UV light, UV light, man, stops dead

in its tracks.

Wow. Yeah.

Hold that thought. Okay.

Phone. Keep going.

Hello, Mr. President.

My God.

Yes. Eastbrook High School science

teacher has presented the precise

breakthrough we need to win this whole

damn w*r.

UV light, sir.

No, no one has considered it before.

All right.

You think he deserves a Nobel Prize?

Well, please, sir, transfer me to the

King of Sweden.

You can stop now. Hello? Is this Carl

Gustav, King of Sweden and presenter of

Nobel Prizes? I'll just go.

Sir, what do you mean there's no Nobel

Prize for super obvious sh*t we figured

out from day one?

We know about the UV light dipshit.

It's a g*dd*mn plant.

Unfortunately, due to our supply chain,

we have a limited quantity of bulbs.

And all of our surplus has been shipped

to... Don't say it.

Nicholsburg.

Her name is Noelle.

I have a dream about her. She rings my

bell.

I got you in class in half an hour. Oh,

how she rocks.

But she doesn't know who I am.

What the globalists don't want you to

know is that eating it gives men

extreme sexual...

You will gain technical power!

I'll show you! I'll prove it to you

right now! You gotta take a look at

We're skipping the vaccine. The it

boosts all of our immune systems by

positive gut probiotics or whatever into

the air.

Oh. Oh.

I think I got it on my shoe.

Look, I know what y 'all are going to

say.

Hank, you're an alcoholic.

What the hell are you doing opening a

bar?

On the contrary, Hank.

We want you to do whatever makes you

happy. Live a little. Let go.

Surrender to a higher power.

Come.

Never crave alcohol again.

No pee.

No bliss.

Suck it up on me!

The sun was way too bright today.

I've been thinking, babe, I support your

decision to stay in Eastbrook.

This is a wonderful town.

What's gotten into you?

One way up in the backseat.

Don't take that the wrong way, but you

totally look like sh*t.

My appearance is all that matters.

So sexually normative, babe.

We shouldn't be out here at night.

It's just Fugo's panopticon.

Fear gets you from joy.

Stay down, kid.

You, Mr. Waller.

Hey, you okay?

Want a ride?

Green!

I'm sorry!

Okay? Hey, go throw a ball, kid.

You know, Grace, some boys in the animal

kingdom... Oh, I don't need to hear

about the birds and the bees, Mr.

Waller. I'm 18.

Not the birds and the bees.

The wasp and the tarantula.

The female hawk wasp, when she is ready

to lay her eggs, she paralyzes the

tarantula with her stinger that then

lays her eggs in its abdomen.

When the larvae are ready to hatch, they

eat the tarantula from the inside out.

You know what I mean? That being

pregnant is like getting eaten alive by

parasite?

What I mean is, I think Dylan is trying

to put something inside you.

He's already put it inside me.

Ah, did not need to hear that.

I think Dylan is infected.

With what?

Did you see his athletic physical?

I swear, he gave me the clap after he

promised.

What's happening?

It's in the engine.

Are you okay?

I think so.

sh*t. f*ck.

I surround you.

Please don't post this.

I'm texting my cousin. He dragged the

tow truck.

Oh, nice.

Well, in the meantime, we could get to

know each other a little. You know, have

a... A bonding sesh. Oh, my gosh.

So awkward.

Well, you know, we might have a lot in

common. You know, like, um... What's

fave animal?

Um, mine is... Mine's a narwhal.

Penguins are also... Keep coming on to

Wallace, and you'll be sorry. No warning

shots.

I could never, ever... I'm incapable of

thinking of you that way.

Hmm.

It all makes sense now.

It does.

Right? You're g*y.

Hard to believe you could take an hour

over dial -up to get a video. Was that

before or after your family died of

cholera? Ha ha, laugh it up.

One day you'll be explaining Instagram

to your cyborg children. Got any food?

Starving.

Weird.

Oh, yeah. Well, ever been to a

steakhouse? You know, aged beef that

tenderness and the flavor?

I can't believe you're a science

teacher. I wanted to be an English

all the positions were filled.

It was a wait list.

Not enough science degrees.

It's really lame.

Maybe Daddy.

Are you maybe somebody's baby daddy, Mr.

Wallace?

Knock up a cheerleader back in your

swinging d*ck days.

No, this can't be happening.

My as*h*le dad is my as*h*le dad, not

this upside -down as*h*le.

There's no easy way to explain this,

Grace.

But you don't exactly look, you know,

and your dad is, you know, and you are,

you know, and you better hold on to

something.

So 18 years later, it finally occurred

to you that I might be your daughter?

I just thought it was impossible.

I thought that you were conceived too

late, and I figured that half the town

could be your father. Wow. I just mean

that your mom probably had sex with a

of people. Yeah, yeah, I got that.

Thanks.

Hey, you could just think about me as

like your cool uncle, right? Who takes

to Disney World and Parenthood. Stop it.

I'm not some dude bro's fugitive

chromosome. Dude bro?

But, but... But nothing.

You're not my dad.

And even if you are, you never will be.

Wow.

I'm having, like, total dj vu.

No, it's not worse.

Luke, Darth, Father.

Please, God, say I'm not related to this

moron.

You know, I didn't want this. I didn't

mean for this to happen. Cool.

Never happened.

My cousin's on his way. Oh, cool, cool.

You know, but... Shut up. We don't have

to talk, you know. Silence is golden.

Silence is golden.

But, um...

Great. Itch.

Leave me alone!

You should leave.

No, sh*t!

You should leave Eastbrook and you

should change your mind about going to

college. Why? I'm not leaving. You

leave.

Yeah, I... I tried.

Are you dadding me right now?

I know it's scary to think about

leaving.

I get that. Really, I do.

But, you know, big cities are filled

with amazing things.

You know, like museums and... Fancy

restaurants and Dave and... Busters?

You are dadding me right now.

What do you want with a teenage daughter

anyway? We're complicated and mean.

I don't think I really have much of a

choice here. Will you stop saying that?

Look, do you really want to be the only

florist with a 1500 on her SATs?

Look, moron.

You can't come into my life after 18

years and suddenly claim me like a value

-backed coupon.

Where were you when I skinned my knee?

Or when my guinea pig died?

Or when the boy I like asked another

girl to homecoming?

You can't beat Disney dad, Mr. Wallace.

You don't know sh*t about me.

And you sure as hell don't know sh*t

about family.

Family is why I stayed in Eastbrook.

Don't make the same mistake that I did,

Grace.

You know, it took me a long time to

realize that family and Eastbrook are

the same thing.

In fact, Eastbrook kind of sucks.

How does family?

Sometimes.

But you know, family is kind of like a

band, and Eastbrook is like the best

of all time. The Beatles.

Creep.

It's hard to imagine a more perfect

album than Human Clay.

But then the band broke up soon after.

Band always breaks up.

But you, Grace, you.

Our Scott staff.

Who the f*ck is Creed?

I'm not your daughter.

Are you kidding me, young lady?

Shut up, Jack. Mr.

Waller.

The mole. What? The penicillin. What are

you saying?

See?

Penicillin was created when moles got

into a petri dish and released a toxin

into the bacteria that the scientists

were growing.

Ha -ha! Eat your poison!

Uh, we're not working.

Quit thinking, Dr. Science.

Let it go!

I'll let it go this time, Grace, but

cigarettes?

The ick, you idiot! Let it go!

Plane thrower, please.

I'm out.

Chris,

are you okay?

Let's get the hell out of here.

And stay away from my mom if she ends up

single.

I thought I found the road somewhere.

Is this possible?

It's the ick.

It absorbed me into the earth all those

years ago.

This town.

This country.

This whole rotten planet.

It's fallen apart at the seams.

The ick is the thread that will pull it

back together.

Well, good luck.

It's going to take a lot more than some

lab -grown goo to...

Fix all that.

Or maybe you're bacteria.

I don't know.

Alien.

It's a program, son.

And I'll tell you what that program is.

Yeah.

A program of chaos that rewrites itself,

breaks its rules, creates

the fear of the random.

You will never know how it works.

Its goal is contradiction and confusion.

No rhyme or reason. Because it

overwhelms.

Some it devours.

Some it resurrects.

You will ignore it and do nothing.

From a world of many, we all become ick.

It can fix anything, son.

Anything.

It can even fix that leg of yours.

It's not my leg that's broken.

Not your first swing and miss.

What I want to know is why nobody cares

that we're in danger.

Danger from what?

The ick attacked me.

Babe, the ick attacked everyone.

The very

best moments of my life were on this

field.

And the very worst.

Dreams of going to college, NFL, owning

a mansion in Beverly Hills, a vacation

house in France, and a series of Viagra

commercials, wearing a flannel,

chopping wood for Crystal Blue Lake.

And you.

I lost it all right here.

Don't be so dramatic.

Disgrace my daughter.

What?

No.

Is that why you dragged me out here?

Daisy, just wait, please.

Hey.

Can you just give me this one thing,

please?

Just tell me that's possible.

It's absolutely impossible.

Grace, don't ever think my death is your

fault.

I've wanted this for a long time.

Consider me your cautionary tale.

Don't repeat my mistakes.

Find happiness wherever you can.

Grab it.

And never let go.

Dead frickin' Kim.

Hello, Eastboro guys.

We're gonna start this night off right.

This next song takes me back to 2002.

Paris Hilton recorded her first thick

tape.

American Steel really? 9 -11?

Never forget!

What a prick.

Live and let live.

Nice shirt.

You think maybe we should barricade the

doors, you know, in case of the ick? No,

the government will take care of it. The

ick is an agent of natural selection.

Next generation is going to be faster,

smarter, probably get some good

cornerbacks out of it.

Baby, the rubber broke.

Baby, there was no rubber.

Heather,

ask him to dance now.

Would you like that?

I'd love to.

I'm... I'm not going over the next year.

What?

I'm staying here.

I... I want to be with you forever.

God damn this song, Rips.

Great.

you do them

What the heck are you wearing? Ted, you

gotta get out of here. No can do, buddy.

Gotta make sure the kids do Dairy Queen

and get home safe. That's an EDM outfit,

isn't it?

Ted, the ick is coming.

The ick?

It's already here.

Besides, where will we go?

It's everywhere else, too.

Ted, let's get my daughter into safety.

You're the daughter?

Maybe.

Ted.

About Stacy.

Grace, my daughter.

Hey, we're going to die. Maybe now's a

good time to get something up. You're

Jeff. Yeah.

The egg.

Oh, damn it. The windows are UV

protected.

Screw you, Mercedes.

I'll break the glass.

Bulletproof glass.

It needs bulletproof glass.

And it is broke. You threw it in free.

f*ck, Mercedes.

Look, Hank.

About Grace.

She...

No for ick or no for green.

Yes, just for wick.

America needs its traditions.

Don't you love me? I'm staying in

Eastbrook for you.

Dylan. You're right, babe.

We need to fix this town, not run from

it. No.

Are you serious?

Grace.

Don't have sex with him. Are you

serious? You can have sex with a million

that's what you want. It's not. Just not

with him, okay? He is it.

The old white guy saving the virginity

of a helpless female?

No.

I'm okay with it.

That's mouth -to -mouth football, kid.

Sorry about your bra.

Hey, Grace, I really do want you to have

a meaningful, safe relationship with

boys, you know?

So not the time for this talk.

They say we're infected, but I'll show

you them the ones who are truly

Infected by anger, by pain, insecurity,

jealousy.

Inside.

More playing around, Grace.

Time to embrace our future.

Hey!

Hey, kid.

That might sting a little.

Mr. Wallace, I'm going to reach down

your throat, squeeze your colon, and

you inside out.

You know what your problem is, Dylan?

You're a phony.

You haven't read half the sh*t you

quote.

You summarize for Wikipedia and we'll

book this like a weapon.

You're a sad...

Pathetic as*h*le without an original

thought.

You're just like everyone else.

I need to tell you something. Yeah, I

know. You might be my dad. You told me

already. No.

It's about your real parents.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We're gonna die.

Not here. Where?

No, I mean, we're leaving Eastbrook.

Alive. You and me and the regular monkey

It feels like the heartbreak will never

end.

But, um, I'm here for you, Grace.

Heather! Griffin! You're a couple!

Mr. Wolfe.

All right.

Better get out of here. Find some place

to be.

Allergen. Stadium lights emit UV

radiation.

Not as much as the sun or a black light,

but...

Hopefully enough to keep us safe.

Arm yourselves.

Whatever you can carry.

Get ready for a fight!

Come on.

You could have just opened it.

I mean, that was super dramatic and all,

but... Now I have to crawl over broken

glass.

Patch the wires.

Flip all the switches.

Where are you going?

I have to go back out. Turn on the

circuit breakers. Without them, there's

power flowing to the halogens.

Good luck.

Don't die.

That was super weird.

Are you a Mr. Wallace?

It's complicated.

None of my business.

You can do better.

So much snow.

Oh, hey!

Thanks for looking after our little

girl!

Hi,

sweetie. Time to join.

Daddy!

I can't, you know, relatively.

Come to the light!

I want it to be over. He's dead. He

should be at peace.

It's not him, Grace.

Everything's going to be okay.

We have to go!

I've been chipping them forever.

Come on.

Real quick.

Second base.

Grace, I need to tell you something.

Whether or not you're my actual

daughter, I'm so proud of you.

I'm so glad.

That you're in my life.

Are we done now, or... Hey!

High school okay?

Definitely not.

Y 'all hear what happened to

Gigglesburg?

Damn close.

Hotel was washed away.

Dang.

Gigglesburg.

What now?

So, how's the new job?

Lucrative. Yeah.

Turns out all the economy needed was

math suffering.

I'm leaving.

Yeah.

I figured.

After all this time, I still don't know

what to call you.

Mr. Wallace.

Dad.

Don't say teach.

I don't know.

Well, technically, we still don't know.

Maybe it's better not to know.

Yeah.

Maybe it's not.

Like father, like maybe daughter.

Hey, hey!

Well, I knew you'd be here.

Got something for you. Hold on. All

right. Hit, hit!

Oh, come on! Because he played football!

I was a quarterback.

The government's in turmoil.

Nobody's seen the president in two

months.

And yet, the mailman delivers.

Neither rain, nor sleep, nor ick.

I nailed it in.

Grace.

Are you ready?

No.

But what the hell.

Let's open it anyway.