01x03 - Cyrano DeBrainiac

[bunniefuu]

I'm telling you, Wyatt
I don't like it one bit.

- Can we just eat, please?
- We created Lisa to serve our needs.

This is something I want--
something important to me,

something I can learn from.

What, am I wrong here?

Give it up, Gary.

Lisa's not going to sleep with you--
not today, not tomo...

What? that's your radar look.

What are you locked on?

There's a new girl in the lunchroom
checking you out.

- Where? Where?
- 12:00 o'clock.

Flowery dress over blue leg thingies.

GARY: Who is she?

I don't know, but she is cute and
she can't take her eye off you.

That's the green light on the
traffic signal of love.

Wish me luck.

Hi. Mind if I sit here?

No. Go ahead.

- Gary Wallace.
- Amy Cutler.

So, what are you studying?

Advanced trigonometry.
You any good at it?

Advanced trig? I'm a little rusty,
but what the hay.

Uh, problem number three.

I can't get it.

Okay. This is an easy one.

You want to start by taking
this number here...

- That's the page number.
- Good! That's great!

Now, keeping that number in
your mind turn to the back

of the book... find the number that
matches it, and there's your answer.

Thanks, but that's cheating.

I call it " Creative problem solving."

- She's taking advanced trig?
- She's cute, and she's taking advanced trig?

It caught me off guard.

Who goes homework during lunch?

I should have seen it coming.

I wouldn't let it worry you.

Just because she's smarter...
I'm smart.

I'm right-brain smart...
or is it left-brain smart?

Which side knows to look
in the back of the book?

- Right.
- That's me.

Amy's my destiny.

She's also my only prospect,
and I'm not going to blow it.

I need to jack up my I.Q.
About a million points.

Yeah. That's a tough one.

No. No, no, no, no.

- No Lisa!
- Yes Lisa.

She's dangerous.

Relax.

Odds are we'll come out
of this alive.

[ Both Yelling ]

We'll be late for
the Baywatch cast party.

What do you think?

Too revealing?

Guys.

Blink.

Breathe.

Somehting.

[ Both Exhaling ]

Yep. Too revealing.

- So what brings me here today?
- WYATT: Amy Cutler.

She's been scoping Gary.

We know she digs me from a distance.
It's the up-close stuff I got to fine-tune.

We have to find out what Amy likes.

We're pretty sure Amy's
into smart guys.

She's a brain.

I need a brain-- a major brain--

- An Einstein brain.
- So that's your wish.

- Be careful how you word this.
- Right.

I don't want to be Einstein so
don't go putting his head

on my body or my head
on his body.

- I just want the mind of Albert Einstein.
- You got it.

What the hell is this?

It's Einstein's brain,
just as you wished.

This isn't going to help me
get a date.

This is a brain-- a dead,
pickled brain.

MAN VOICE: Excuse me
but I don't believe I am dead.

It's the real thing, Gary.

Einstein's brain, just as you wished.

Let's skip over the part where once

again you gave me exactly
what I didn't wish for.

- You asked for Einstein's brain.
- You knew what I wanted.

You deliberately screwed it up.

She gets this from your side.

MAN: Hello?

- Dr. Einstein?
- Ja. I can hear you

but I don't quite understand
where I am.

I'm not going to tell him.

Uh, it's the '90s, Professor, and, uh,
your brain had been brought

back to life and, uh,
removed from your body.

Incredible. How can I communicate
with you?

I am cognizant of speech yet do not
possess and vocal physicalization.

Trust me, Al.

Very complex.

You wouldn't understand.

Points is, I had Lisa bring you here
to help me bag this babe, see...

Gary, this is Albert Einstein,
not Pauly Shore.

So let me understand this.
You reanimated my brain

pulled it through some sort of
dimensional rift and dropped it 40 years

into the future just to help you
impress to girls?

- Yep.
- Is she cute?

We didn't mean to use you, Professor
so if you just want

- to go back, just say so.
- Go back?

Before I've had a chance to confer
with Lisa who manipulates time and space?

Thank you, no. I'm staying out.

It would be an honor to speak
with you, Doctor.

Please, call me Albert.

A bucket of chicken?

You put Einstein's brain
in a bucket of chicken?

I couldn't find my Scooby-Doo lunch box.

Relax. He doesn't know where he is.

ALBERT: Why am I tasting coleslaw?

Don't worry about it.

Just get ready to say something smart.

- Lunch?
- What?

Oh. Yeah. I'm on the Colonel's
special diet plan.

You're on.

- So, what are you working on?
- This lab experiment.

I'm measuring the velocity of sound
waves through a gelatinous medium.

And does this gelatinous medium
have little chunks of fruit in it?

Kidding.

You got that?

ALBERT: Try 6.38 meters per second.

I think it's 6.38 meters per second.

You're getting pretty handy with
the back of the book there.

I didn't check the back of the
book for that one.

Yeah. Right.

We're doing great. Let's close the deal.
Give me some genius romance stuff.

ALBERT: Gary, expressions of love
are personal.

My feelings and how I express them
and different...

Quit stalling, Brainiac, and
give me something!

ALBERT: Tell her, her hair glistens
like the morning mist off the rhine.

Your hair, it glistens like the
morning mist off the rhine.

What?

ALBERT: Maybe she would like
to join you for an evening

stroll along the boulevard.

Would you like to go an evening
stroll with me sometime?

ALBERT: There is a pastry shop
in Leipzig that makes the most

delicate strudel this side
of Stuttgart.

There's this pastry shop
in Leipzig...

Do you like Strudel?

I've tried using the brain.
I even tried the romantic stuff.

I need a whole new strategy.

Why do you talk about her like
she's some deer you're hunting?

Because this is a hunt?

We're hunting each other in a
savage game of sexual attraction

and she is a beautiful, wild deer with
big brown eyes and a shiny coat.

- Her eyes are blue.
- Blue, brown, whatever.

You can't just walk around!
My parents...

Don't worry. I sent them
to a parrallel dimension.

Just kidding. They're at the mall.

You know, Gary, Albert and I feel sort of
bad that things didn't work out with Amy.

- We still want to help.
- If only I knew what she liked in a guy.

Perhaps Lisa could help you
see through her eyes.

- Without actually having her eyes.
- Then that's it.

You'll see through her eyes.

See what turns her on.

TV: You don't miss your mother
and father one bit.

- Maury Povich turns her on?
- No. I get it.

It shows you what she's looking at.
She's watching TV.

Oh. Well, that's a big help.

No, no, it's great. You can
see what she's intro.

Then when you ask her out
you'll be sensitive to her.

It's got to work.

You think so?

WYATT: She likes Sloppy Joes.

I like Sloppy Joes.

She's reading Time Magazine.

My parents get Time Magazine.

- She's looking right at you!
- Quick, I got to look cool.

- Laugh when I finish this sentence.
- I'm done.

[ Laughs ]

She's thinks I'm hilarious.
Now get out of here.

We look like we joined at the hip.

[ Laughing ]

The frosting... the candles...
somebody's name...

- a birthday cake?
- Right! Okay...

Uh, a rainy day... a lost puppy...
leaving home...

- Things that make you cry?
- A lost puppy... Casablanca!

- Ah! Things that are sad.
- Yes!

- We make a great team, Albert.
- Ja, I agree.

Except that you have an
unfair advantage over me.

I have no conception
of your appearance.

Oh, well, actually, I'm kind of plain.
Average-looking. Nothing special.

It doesn't matter.
I like you for who you are,

- not what you look like.
- Thank you.

I feel the same way about you.

Amy, you are one smart woman
with extremely good taste.

Wyatt? She likes Wyatt!

Wyatt Donnelly Farber High's newest
dream hunk-- babe magnet extraordinaire.

I don't get it.

What popped your clutch, Amy--
his many nervous ticks?

Those contoured yet
spongy buttocks?

- How's Amy-vision?
- It, she, and you suck.

I'm sorry. I must have missed something.

- She likes you.
- Who does?

"Who does?" Amy. Amy likes you.

Gary, get real. She's cute,
she's smart, she's popular.

I know my limitations.
Well, she doesn't.

She's been staring at you
the whole time not me. Look.

Wow! She is smiling at me!

- I don't believe this!
- I know.

- It sucks.
- I'm sorry, Gary.

Now we know what kind
of guy she likes-- you.

I'm a gentleman, you're my friend.

There's only one thing to do.

Wearing my clothes won't
make any like you better.

And you're stretching my sweater.

You'd think after the day I've
had you'd be more supportive.

This is ridiculous.

Wyatt's right, Gary.

Blue makes you look heavy.

Try an autumn color--
maybe olive or brown.

Rook to Knight seven.

Let Wyatt have a chance
with her, Gary.

When time and space conspire
to bring two people together

there's not much you can do.
Knight takes rook. Check.

Thanks for the fortune cookie but
I have had enough of your advice.

ALBERT: You are not
being very fair.

I may not be fair, but at least
I have a skull you freak show.

Time out. Maybe Albert has a point here.

If Amy's been flirting with Wyatt all
this time maybe he should ask her out.

If only it were that simple.

You see, Wyatt and I are subject to
an ancient code of male conduct.

He called dibs.

Gary, if you're still going to
pursue this Amy perhaps

the best approach is just
to be yourself.

Another brilliant theory
by Albert Einstein.

"Just be yourself."

Well, I couldn't get a date
being myself any sooner

than you could travel the speed of light.

Two for two, Al. But keep
cranking out those theories.

Gary, you might as well face
the fact that Wyatt's the one

with the chance here but he's
going to need your help.

Are you going to be
a friend or a jerk?

Bishop takes rock.

Checkmate in four.

ALBERT: Auch du lieber!

I'm sorry. Is my shattered love life
getting in the way of your chess game?

Come on, Albert.

I didn't reanimate your dead and
lifeless tissue to watch you be insulted.

[ Door Closing ]

Okay, ask her out.

Don't worry about Gary.
Gary will be just fine.

- I don't know what to say?
- You don't have to say anything.

Gary is a survivor.

And Gary can do...
No. I mean to Amy.

What do I say to Amy?

Look, try and keep focused here.

We're worried about me
and how I'm going to heal.

What if she say no?

I can't do it.

You can, you must, you will.

I'm sorry, Gary was so mean to you.

He's been under a lot of stress.

No. Perhaps he's right.
I'm afraid I let him down.

Who am I to advise in
matters of the heart?

Your advice was good.
Gary's just... well, horny.

I find you very romantic, Albert.

I can't think of any other brain in a
jar with whom I'd rather share a picnic.

Thank you. If I had lips,
I could kiss you.

More brite?

[ Moans ]

Dr Einstein? Are you awake?

Lisa... Lisa, Mein leipshien.

- Uh, no, it's me, Wyatt.
- Yes, Wyatt. Is something wrong?

I can't sleep.
I keep worrying about Amy.

What if she turns me down?
I guess I'm kind of scared.

And well you should be.
I may have conquered the

riddles of the universe but the rejection
of a beautiful woman still scares me.

Wonderful. If the greatest mind
all time can't deal with women

- what chance have I got?
- Don't be discouraged.

I can tell you a secret
that works for me.

- Want to hear?
- Sure.

The universe is a vast expanding
furnace of matter and energy.

Relative to this, you are inifinitely
small and insignificant your action--

ultimately meaningless. The universe
is still going to expand.

Nothing you do will charge that.
You're still going to die.

- So, does that help?
- You are...

the Albert Einstein, right?
Theory of relativity?

E = MC squared. That's me.
Ja. Mm-hmm.

Nothing to worry about.

I have confidence in you.

Then why are you making me
wear this earpiece?

Why?

'Cause you admit it yourself--

around women you're a quivering,
boneless chicken.

- I didn't say that.
- Well, not in so many words.

Look, relax. We know she likes you.

Just walk up to her. Let me
worry about the words.

I'm going home.

Oh, no. I finally got over the fact
that she likes you better than me.

So I want to see you do this
'cause it's kind of like

you're doing it for the both of us.

But only I get to kiss her, right?

We'll iron out the details later.

GARY: You hearing me okay?

You're doing fine.

Keep going.

What's with your butt?

Loosen up. Swing a little.
Too much! Too much!

Okay. She sees you.

GARY: Stop staring at her.
Look at something else.

You don't care. You're carefree.

Slow down. You're almost there.

Okay, now you'll come to a stop
and you'll learn casually

next to her and you'll say...
"Hi. My name's Wyatt."

- Hi, Wyatt.
- Hi. My name is Wyatt.

Wrong!

Uh, backup plan. Uh, it
was a joke. Laugh.

- [ Dry laughter ]
- Wyatt?

GARY: Stop laughing.
You look like an idiot.

Ask her where she's from. Ask her!

What are you waiting for?
Say something.

Say, "Where are you from?"

Where from?

It's a lost cause. Pull out, Wy. Pull out.

ALBERT: You're dying here, Wyatt.
You're dying!

WYATT: I'm dying... I'm dying...
of course! Einstein was right!

The universe is huge, and I'm insignificant.
Nothing I do matters.

So what if she turns me down?

Wyatt, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Amy, would you like to
go out with me sometime?

I don't know. I'd like to but you're
a lot weirder than I thought.

- And that's a bad thing?
- I'm not sure yet.

It's going great.

GARY: Okay now, take a deep
breath and on three we're going

to take her hand real slow.
Hold hands... one, two...

Whoa! You're ahead of me,
but that's good.

I knew we could do this.

Okay. "What former sweathog played
the lead in saturday night fever?"

ALBERT: Marlene Deitrich?
I don't know. I hate this game.

Is that your answer?
'Cause you wrong.

ALBERT: I'm suddenly feeling
a bit woozy.

You're probably being pulled back
to where you belong.

Our time together is growing short.

I really enjoyed our talks, Albert.

ALBERT: I would trade a thousand
words to touch your hand just once.

[ Horn Honks ]

GARY: Great. Your brother's home.

Hmm.

I think I can arrange that.

- Uh-oh.
- [ Waltz Playing ]

ALBERT VOICE: You are beautiful
look at as you are to talk to.

- I'll miss you, Albert.
- And I you, Lisa.

CHETT VOICE: Hey, whoever turned
out the lights is going to pay for this.

You listening, barf bucket?
I'm going to kick your

gangly little butt from here to Taiwan!