01x02 - Hannah's Dance Recital

[bunniefuu]

[funky music playing]

[sighs contentedly]

Ow! What the…

[boy laughing]

You can't touch it with your hands.
Are you stupid?

Etan, Gilad, be nice to your cousin.

They won't, but I have to say it.

Avi, you can't use your hands.

Bringing a baby to the beach?

I don't know, Naomi.
The sun gets very hot.

You invited us to the beach.

It's a good baby.

I like that he doesn't talk much.

I wish my babies had been slow like that.

You should have seen the bris. Not a peep.

And not too much blood. Not like Avi's.

I'm gonna go play with Shira.

I wish we could have come to the bris,
but it's such a schlep.

Jersey to California.

Would you believe? It's the same distance
from California to Jersey.

Yes, but you are the one
who moved to California, Naomi.

Where we also have beaches,
if you'd like to see sometime.

Lifeguard! Help!

I'll save you!

-[Avi panting]
-[straining]

Ah. Thanks. Okay, my turn.

Ah! Lifeguard!
The water's making me drown!

Avi! Come play!

Avi! Please!

You can go play Baywatch mouth-to-mouth
with your sister if you want.

Help me, Avi! I'm drowning!

Ah, she's fine. Let's play.

[Shira] Avi!

-You asked for it.
-[Avi gasping]

You said you can't use hands!

-I'm the goalie!
-Ow! My--

["Long Story Short
Main Title Theme" playing]

[music ends]

[jaunty tune playing]

-[breathing deeply]
-[tune ends]

-You're nervous.
-I've never asked anyone for a loan

-for anything in my life.
-Well, it's not exactly a loan.

It's not like we can give it back.

No, I… I guess not.

You wanna practice? I'll be Avi.

"I like music, but also I hate it,
and here's why in 1,000 words."

-If I overthink, it won't feel natural…
-This is not overthinking?

-I'm sure he'll say no.
-You never know.

Maybe if we have a baby,
Avi and Jen will visit us.

They visited that one time.

They should want to come to us.

Oakland is fun. There's stuff to do.

Santa Rosa is just a bathroom break
on the way to Napa.

Yeah, plus out here I get very… visible.

Strangers in the grocery store coming up
to tell me how much they like Scandal?

I think people are just friendly
outside the city.

-Do strangers talk to you about Scandal?
-Are you gonna be okay tonight?

I'm just gonna try to be
as invisible as possible.

[honking horn]

[chuckling awkwardly]

I bet he's telling his wife
he just saw Beyoncé.

-Oh, hi! Hey!
-[Avi] Really, guys, thanks for coming.

We wouldn't miss incredible,
flawless Hannah's big dance recital.

-Where is she? I wanna see her.
-She's backstage getting ready.

-Rude.
-And heads up,


less cute, non-Hannah kids.

She's only on
for like one song in the middle.

-That's okay.
-Half the parents leave after their kid.

What's Hannah, chopped liver?

-I actually love chopped liver…
-I do too. I don't know why I said that.

Point is, long show, no idea
when Hannah goes on, so just wait.

I told you.
After "Surf's Up for Christmas."

Okay, jeez.

After "Surf's Up for Christmas."

Oh, is this like a Christmas thing?

-Well, it's winter themed.
-Oh yeah.

No, I promise, every number
will be deeply, explicitly Christmas.

-Say what you will about Jews…
-Who's saying anything about Jews?

…good sense not to push
our nonsense on everyone.

-"Our nonsense"?
-We just push it on our children.

In some cases, not even then.

-Speaking of children…
-I'd be delighted if it was winter themed.

-Here we go. Okay.
-Snowflakes, cocoa.

Instead, the kids
have to mainline religion

-like a drug.
-It's not religion. It's just Christmas.

Everybody celebrates Christmas.

-We don't celebrate Christmas.
-Uh, yes, we do.

-You do?
-[Avi] When we visit your parents.

[Jen] Yeah, every Christmas.

That's being with them
while they celebrate Christmas.

-We're not celebrating.
-I'm not gonna fight with you.

Oh, look, Christmas came early.

[Jen groans]

Well, I am not threatened by two hours
of bad dancing to songs about Jesus.

After all, is not a schnook entitled
to a night at the ballet?

-You laugh, but a schnook is entitled.
-Too bad Mom couldn't be here.

Oh, she wanted to be here.
They're on that river cruise.

She was furious I wouldn't ask to move
the recital to a day they could make it.

-"Avi, just ask them."
-"Would it k*ll you to ask?"

Speaking of people asking things,

there's something we wanted
to ask you, right, Shira?

-Uh…
-Oh yeah?

-[chuckles uncomfortably]
-[tense stinger]

Any new music we should be listening to?

-Shira, that's not--
-No, it's all bad.

-Now you got him started.
-Every band is doing

"disco night at the roller rink" crap now.

I've listened to
the new Arcade Fire like 20 times.

I think maybe I'm the problem.
They're telling me who they are.

Why try to convince myself
they're the band I fell in love with?

Honestly, it's like
I'm trapped in a bad marriage.

With the Arcade Fire?

Just Arcade Fire. There's no "the."

Hi. I love your shirt.

Thank you. It's happening.

I'm sorry, but it is a nice shirt…
for any race.

[in French accent] Jen, I've been
searching for you everywhere.

Jean-Pierre, why aren't you
backstage with the girls?

There is a terrible emergency.

I need your assistance.
Save me. I'm lost without you, Jen.

Okay, I'm coming.

Hey, is everything okay?

Avi, I literally have the same
information you do. I'm going to find out.

She's going to find out.

[gasping]

Mommy, it won't stay up.

I see that. Why are they so big?

We wanted tutus. We got four-fours.

Oh no. These are in adult sizes.

Sacre bleu, croque monsieur,
la Tour Eiffel!

I should not have put my husband
in charge of wardrobe.

He is gorgeous, but quite stupid.

That sounds mean in English,
but in French… [kisses]

In any case, we are finished!

[sighs]

I can fix this.

-How?
-Well, one time, back in college,

my theater company wanted to put on
The cr*pple of Inishmaan.

Only we had no budget for a set.

But it was right after St. Patrick's Day,

so we took all the four-leaf clovers and
leprechaun decorations from the dorms.

And voila! Ireland!

I love that you say voila.

We can make new costumes for the girls.

Now I know why they call you Jen.

Because you are a Jen-ius.

-[smooching]
-Oh! Oh. [laughing shyly]

[hyperventilating]

Uh, if you can't do it tonight,
we can ask another--

I can do this.

I've been psyching myself up,
playing jock jams in my head.

If I don't do it now,
I won't do it at all.

Hey, bro.

Hey, sis.

So, Kendra and I want kids.
We always have.

-Oh, great!
-We're in our thirties,

which is when your biological clock stops
being polite and starts getting real.

-Sure. Yeah.
-We did tests,

and my eggs are garbage. Thanks, Mom.

But Kendra's are grade A,
farm-fresh, free-range.

Free-range? Where do they go?

Maybe this is more of
an intermission conversation.

We need sperm to make a baby,
and we don't have any lying around,

not since we got rid of
that Craigslist couch.

Furniture on Craigslist?
You're in your thirties!

Hey, we know someone

who not only happens
to share my genetic code,

but also has the little tadpoles
in him at all times.

-That's why I came to you.
-I'm sorry. I lost the thread.

[loudly] We want your sperm, dude.

-[audience gasping]
-[Kendra groans]

Oh, uh…

♪ You don't wanna miss
this funky-dunky Christmas! ♪

[upbeat music playing]

You want my sperm? Like, my actual…

How does it…
Like, do I have to have sex with Kendra?

"Have to"? You mean "get to."

No, it's all tubes, man.
The future is tubes.

I don't know why you're acting
like what you just said is normal.

We can talk later. This might not be
the most wonderful time of the year.

It just kind of feels like a big ask.

-Okay, fine. But can you do it or not?
-Shira…

I need some air. [exhales]

-[sighs] Please drop it.
-I'm going out there. Save our seats.

I can't save three seats.
People will give me dirty looks.

I give people dirty looks
for saving seats!

I don't wanna have to suss out
seat-saving dirty looks

from racism dirty looks!

We're going to be back in, like,
two minutes. Enjoy the show.

♪ In funky Santa, I believe… ♪

[groaning]

-Sorry, these seats are taken.
-You're not supposed to save seats.

I'm not supposed to save seats,

or I'm not supposed to save seats, hm?

Why are you being so weird?

Me? You're being weird.

It's a weird way of asking
and a weird request in general.

It's weird you don't see how weird it is.

Sorry it's weird to have a g*y sister
who doesn't have sperm.

That's not what this is about.

I think I'm being pretty cool
given that my sister

-asked me to have a baby with her.
-Oh, you're being cool?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize.

Thanks, man, for the coolness.
Here's your cookie.

Put that down unless you pay.

-I'm sick of you playing the victim.
-I am the victim.

You can't be here
unless you buy something.

Fine. How much?

-Five dollars.
-US?

That's the second craziest thing
I've heard tonight.

What racket are you running?

The proceeds go to charity.

Oh. Well, that's nice.

Why is everyone trying
to get me to make a donation tonight?

I'm not giving to charity
just to keep arguing.

-You could do it for the charity.
-I'm going back in.

-How much for the Rice Krispie?
-$6.50.

It's inappropriate what you're doing.

[rap song playing] ♪ Santa's out here
With a bag on these streets ♪

♪ But Santa don't wear
No red in Long Beach ♪

[clears throat] Sorry. Are these taken?

Yes! That's why I'm sitting like this.

By the way, I love this song.

I'll let the committee know.
They'll be thrilled.

Excuse me.

Oh, thank God.

You know what?
I don't even want your sperm.

Forget I asked.

I can't forget. It's my sperm!

Please stop saying "sperm."

You're taking back the ask
before I can even say yes.

Are you saying yes?

No! Uh… I don't know!

[people shushing]

-Sir, I have to ask you to leave.
-Me?

And in the spirit of the holidays,

please stop shouting about your ej*cul*te.

Oh, "holidays"?
Now that it's me, it's "holidays"?

We all know which holiday you don't
want me shouting over with my ej*cul*te.

-Sir.
-I'm leaving!

The Jew is leaving.
And I'm taking my sperm too.

Mm-mm.

-Mm-mm.
-Save our seats.

[crooner singing]
♪ Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa too ♪

♪ We tolerate them all ♪

♪ But there's nothing like Christmas ♪

-Hey, guys.
-[both] We know!

-I knew you'd disappoint me.
-You didn't give me a chance!

My whole life has been chances
for you to not disappoint me.

Like when you wouldn't
give me a ride from Alex Resnick's party.

Why were you at that party?
Those were my friends.

Or you wouldn't
take me to Lord of the Rings.

-I still haven't seen it.
-How do you have this list?

I have a list because
I remember my trauma.

Not seeing Lord of the Rings
is not trauma.

-Not by itself, but collectively.
-It's FOMO. FOMO Baggins.

I carry trauma from not getting
what I needed from my older brother.

-No! That's--
-The same way Gollum carries around

-his "precious" whatever.
-So you did see it!

That's all I know! I picked it up
through cultural osmosis!

Well, sorry we don't all have
as much "trauma" as you do.

You have trauma too.

Right. Because one time in high school,
I didn't get invited to see American Pie,

and now I don't know what a milf is.

I'm so traumatized.

Oh, you want to talk about trauma?

Let's talk about your internalized
antisemitism. What's that about?

I don't have internalized antisemitism.
It's just all the other Jews I don't like.

That's a joke. Oy vey.

[clears throat] We were actually
already fighting out here.

Can you, like, go inside?

-Oh. Sorry. Our bad.
-I didn't realize.

I'm not going to wash dishes
before I put them in the dishwasher.

But that means I have to wash them
again when I take them out!

Then why do we have a dishwasher, Deborah?

[muffled music playing]

-We're fighting here now.
-All right.

You're doing Christmas with Jen's parents.

You're calling Judaism nonsense.

Okay, well, excuse me,
but it was suffocating.

We had to learn another language,
only be with people like us,

eat fish that looks like a brain,

be afraid all the time.

-I know.
-Those stories about the Holocaust,

the Inquisition, Masada.

Learning everyone hates you
and wants to k*ll you

doesn't exactly make
for a well-adjusted person.

-But it's true.
-And it's not even true!

-Most people aren't thinking about us.
-Rude.

So are we just going
to keep telling these stories,

praying to a God we don't believe in,
and staying in on Friday nights

while everyone else is out
having sex and eating shrimp?

-Who was?
-I don't know! I was busy ripping challah!

Okay, being Jewish is a lot of tsuris.

Yeah, and you expect me
to put all that on my wife and daughter?

They're free. Why would I give them that?

Everything you're saying,
there's actually a word for it.

-"Trauma."
-Fine!

-Thank you for your support.
-What's the charity, by the way?

I don't want to say.

It has to do with pandas,
but not in the way you want.

Huh.

[romantic music] ♪ Santa is my boyfriend
And he fills my sack with toys ♪

Could you save my seat too?
Thanks, sister.

What? Ugh.

So Katie told Kim that
Jeff and Julie were hanging out…

-Sorry, girls, those two are saved.
-Oh my God, seriously?

-You can't sit here.
-And Kim got mad at Katie, not Jeff.

-These are saved?
-That's effed up.

So I was like…

-Can you hear me?
-…Jeff, tell Kim that nothing happened.

-Am I a ghost right now?
-And then Jeff tried to kiss me.

-He did what?!
-Now Kim and Katie are both pissed at me!

-It's not your fault!
-Jeff wants you to apologize

-for breaking them up?
-Yeah!

-Don't apologize to that man!
-[man shushing]

Don't shush me. I'm right.

[Hannah giggling]

-Let me see. Let me see.
-Ta-da!

You're gorgeous. Okay, who's next?

You're amazing, Jen.

In a terrible crisis,
you have the head of a cucumber.

This is nothing.

When I did plays in New York,
every night was a catastrophe.

What providence brought you to my life?
How could you leave the city of dreams?

Well, that's a short story.

I was scrambling all the time to put up
plays with my friends that nobody came to.

The artist's life, no?

We did The an*s Monologues.

The tagline was,
"Behind every successful vag*na

is an an*s."

Provocatif.

And I just kept fantasizing. What if
I had a normal job in a normal place?

[in French] Impossible!

Well, then Avi and I came out
to Santa Rosa for a wedding.

There was this guy at our table, the music
editor for The North Bay Bohemian.

He was telling Avi
about this internship they had.

And, um, I thought,

well, if we moved out here for him,

then it's not like I gave up.

-[melancholy music playing]
-You know?

Or maybe you did not give up.

[music ends]

I don't get it, Shira.

If growing up in our family so ruined you

-because of all the trauma…
-I didn't say it ruined me.

Why do you even want kids?

So in 30 years, a couple other damaged
adults can shout at each other about you?

[rock song playing]
♪ Surf's up for Christmas! ♪

"Surf's up for Christmas"?

[gasps] Hannah's up next.

[gasps] Okay.

♪ Surf's up for Christmas! ♪

[song ends]

[all cheering]

[gentle music playing]

[gasps softly]

[gasps]

Uh…

Ooh.

[chuckles softly]

[happily] Ah!

All right!

-Whoo! All right!
-[crowd cheering]

Hannah! [laughing]

Whoo!

That.

That's why I want kids.

-Mommy!
-Oh, you were amazing.

We did it!

Yeah, see? This is the part I miss.
The feeling of pulling off a magic trick.

-Oui, oui!
-The amazement. The wonder.

Oh. [gasps]

-Oh my God! What the hell?
-[in US accent] Was that not cool?

What? I'm sorry. What happened
to your accent, Jean-Pierre?

And your husband?

It's actually JP.

And I'm single. And straight.

Yeah, and from Riverside.

-Oh, holy night.
-But none of that matters.

-It kind of does.
-Don't you see? I was made for more,

and so were you.

We're two souls who yearn, man!

No, I do not yearn. I'm good, man.

Let me get this straight.
You've been pretending to be French?

In a way, aren't we all pretending?

No!

I needed a job!
I graduated in a recession.

Nobody's gonna hire
a straight white guy to teach dance.

-Ugh!
-Would you trust me with kids?

-You're disgusting.
-Jen, wait!

Please don't tell, how you say, my boss!

♪ It was Christmas in the lab
When FrankenSanta said ♪

♪ I've got bolts in my neck
And presents in my sled ♪

Being a dad is hard.

And yeah, of course it's worth it.

But I never know if my parenting is
helping more than it's hurting, you know?

Makes sense.

This "trauma" you keep talking about…

-is just the other side of parenting.
-Enough with the quotes around "trauma"

-like it's a thing I made up.
-Shh!

Sorry, but you just keep giving me
these traumatic anecdotes.

I can't get into the real stuff

if you're gonna treat
everything like an anecdote.

No, I want to hear the real stuff.

-Do you?
-Yeah! Lay it on me!

Oh my God! Now Jeff is mad at me!

Quick, send nudes!

Whose nudes? Mine or someone else's?

-No! No nudes!
-Ew, lady! What the frick?!

Give me phone back, I need!

Girls! Girls! I remember
what it's like to be 16.

-We're 12.
-I got my period when I was eight.

Oh!

Well, I remember
what it's like to be young.

Everything feels huge and important,
but none of these people matter.

Don't send nudes.

Whatever, "Mom."

I'm not your mom!

Oh my God.
When you're a mom, you're invisible.

-[song ends]
-[crowd cheering]

All right, traumatize me.

Okay. Jersey Shore,



[Shira straining] Ah!

Lifeguard! The water's making me drown!

[gasping] Oh!

[haunting music playing]

Avi!

[gasping]

Avi, please!

Help me, Avi!

Ah.

I'm drowning!

[coughing]

What are you doing out here?
What's the matter with…

Where are your freaking parents?

-Hey, keep an eye on your kid.
-[coughing]

Shira, what were you doing by yourself?

-You couldn't stay with your brother?
-[sobs]

I'm sorry.

[sobbing]

[haunting music continues]

I got in trouble,
and you got to keep playing.

Wow.

I was so scared and so small.

I…

But, like…

I was nine.

-Are you serious right now?
-I'm just saying,

-I was a kid. It's pretty unfair…
-I can't believe you.

How could you not see
what a big deal this was

after I just spelled out
this traumatic memory?

A memory you've held onto for decades

-and just told me about.
-When would I have told you before?

You've never taken me seriously,
first of all, and secondly, we never talk.

-We do.
-You never call.

You never answer my calls.
You certainly don't visit.

We came to Oakland that one time.

One time. I'd take it personally,
but you never see Mom and Dad either.

That's not fair.

Mom only invites us for the holidays

because she wants me to feel guilty
about not doing the holidays.

It's not a real invitation.

Because she wants to see you. She's afraid
if she just asks, you'll say no.

-Maybe we're not that kind of family.
-But we could be.

-Not the calling, visiting type.
-But we could be!

You could check in once in a while.

I check in! We play Words with Friends.

That's not checking in, and you know it.

Did you see? Did you see?

-You were astonishing!
-Cannibal!

Just like you practiced!

-Should be ill*gal how brilliant you are.
-So proud of you.

Oh, that's a lot.

Enjoy it. A panda may have died for it.

-[Avi] It was good to see you. All right.
-Bye!

Bye.

-See you.
-Thanks for coming up. We owe you a visit.

We're not keeping track.

Meet you at the car?

[gentle music playing]

Sorry, Shir.
I didn't mean to freak out like that.

It was a big ask.

And I did ask weird.

I just…

have a hard time needing things, you know?

Shira, I, uh…

I do want to do this for you. I just…

I need to hear that you want me
for a specific reason, you know?

You want your kid to be funny,
like me, or kind, like me,

or, uh, a good brother.

[sighs]

Look, Avi.

I can't say what you want me to say.

Okay.

It feels not real
if you're asking me to say it, you know?

Yeah.

It doesn't matter. I still wanna do it,
even if you can't say it.

I think I made it too weird.
It's, it's too weird now.

Yeah, no, yeah, of course, right.

But, but it's okay.

We're okay.

Sure.

Hey, listen…

You know?

Yeah, I know. You too.

And then Mary looked at me,
and I thought I was going to laugh.

Hey, uh…

-Thank you.
-For what?

For moving here with me.

Seeing Hannah up there,
this is just such a great place for her.

It is. And it's great
that we're so near your family.

Yeah, I just want you to know

I really appreciate you.

I know.

Thanks.

Hey,

maybe we should give Hannah a sibling.

Oh.

Um…

Ugh, I really thought he'd come through.
He seriously said no?

He wasn't up for it.

[phone buzzing]

So, Plan B?

Yeah, sure, I'll do it.

-Seriously? That's amazing.
-I mean, I've got so much of it.

-Gotta put it somewhere.
-Okay, well…

Yeah, I can't believe
you flew all the way out just to ask me.

-I gotta tell you, I'm honored.
-I wanted to do it right.

You and Avi, you guys are so close in age,

sometimes I just feel like the extra one.

You coming to me first, it really…
it really does mean a lot.

Uh-huh.

-["Christmas in Indiana" playing]
-♪ It's a golly, jolly, holy, happy day ♪

♪ There's a snowman drinking eggnog
In a sleigh, havin' his way ♪

♪ So don't you moan and don't you peep ♪

♪ God watches while you sleep ♪

♪ You know, Jesus and Santa
They come to Indiana to pray ♪

♪ It's a jingle-jangle-jongly-joy ♪

♪ What a time to be a goy ♪

♪ 'Cause winter holidays are here again ♪

♪ I said the winter holidays
Are here again ♪

♪ Thank you, Jesus Christ,
our Lord and Savior! ♪

♪ Good night, Vatican City! Good night! ♪

-[applause]
-[music fades out]