01x05 - Yoshi & Baby

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music playing]

[grunting]

Yes!

Damn it, why are you so good at Horse?

I'm trying to help, Shira.
Right now, you're a h*.

-Miss this shot, get an R.
-Then I'll be a HOR? How's that better?

Because a wh*re
gets taken to dinner first.

[Shira chuckling]

Uh, okay.

Uh… Oh…

-Can I play wh*re?
-Yoshi!

-Oh my God!
-Yo, Jesus!

-That doesn't count.
-Oh no, it counted, apparently.

Shira, please, can I?

You cannot.

This game is for teenagers,
and you're a baby.

-But what about Baby?
-Baby is not a baby.

She's a young,
mature lady adult named Baby.

Yeah, Yosh.

I'm wearing a pad right now.

As opposed to you,
an actual baby who's either

still in his pajamas from this morning
or already in them for tonight.

I'm doing a pajama day.

We're playing. Go watch a Barney.

[sighs]

Okay.

Hey, he's cool. Why not let him sh**t one?

Then I can beat you in peace.

Fine! One.

Okay.

-Don't make me regret this.
-All right.

Bend your knees.

From downtown!

-Ow! What the heck, nerd?
-Oh my God.

I was being nice!

["Long Story Short
Main Title Theme" playing]

[music ends]

I'm coming! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

[moans]

Did someone order the sperm?

Hey, Yoshi.
Technically, we ordered a pizza,

but God knows what Domino's counts
as a topping these days.

Mm. Ow! My hormones!

We barely touched.

IVF should stand for I'm Very Fragile.

At least it'll be over soon.

And then all I have to worry about
is… being pregnant.

Which is a blast, I hear.

But I'm sorry this is taking a toll
on you and Shira's boob honking.

Is that what you think lesbians do?
Honk boobs all the time?

-[Isadora barking]
-Whoa!

Is that The Undeniable Isadora Duncan?

You are so undeniable. Yes, you are.

I want to deny you, but I can't.

Stay away from scarves, you sassy dancer.

-Nothing for me?
-Aw! Shira.

Can I tell you just what an honor it is

to orgasm for a good cause?

-Okay, okay.
-I'm going to be thinking about my sister.

-What?
-No, come on. Not in a weird way.

All right! Let's make a baby.

Yes. Everything you need
is in this envelope.

Oh, not everything.

This is a map
with highlighted directions to the clinic.

These are the phone numbers
of both the clinic and our doctor.

And this is really important.

You deposit your sample into here, okay?

It's crucial that your specimen--

I thought we were gonna call them
my Michael Phelpses.

Call them swimmers?
They can't all be Michael Phelps.

Whatever. Your stuff. Your spunk.
It goes in the cup.

I like spunk.
Like, "Hey, kid. You got spunk."

Thank you. I know,
but it's always nice to hear.

You gotta jizz in the cup, okay?

-Hon, eww.
-Respect my body and its miracles.

It needs to go directly into this cup.

It has a specific ID label that'll
connect your material to Kendra's eggs.

-My lady spunk.
-You can't just go into a sock

and wring it out into a Coke can.

-Not this time.
-Pepsi okay?

Ha! Come on. I got it.

Look, I'm excited to be a part of this,
and I've been so careful in anticipation.

-Weed? Alcohol?
-No. Nope.

Intense physical exertion?

Ha! I wouldn't anyway.

I even opted out of the body imaging
at the airport to reduce radiation.

I like making them do the pat-down.

My way of saying, nuh-uh, airport man.
You don't get to look at my bones.

I enjoy the physical contact.
We're so isolated.

It's nice to feel the touch
of a brusque government employee.

Okay, but you didn't enjoy it
too much, right?

Because you're on
a very precise ejaculation calendar.

-I know, Shira.
-If the last time you discharged

was less than three days ago,
or more than five days ago…

-I know.
-…your sperm's no good.

I have not yippee-ki-yay'd
in three days, Shira.

-But no more than five, right?
-Correct.

I remember because exactly four days ago,

I watched a documentary on black holes,
and the footage was weirdly hot.

You're sure you don't want to stay here
where we can keep an eye on you all night?

Kendra's on a specific schedule,
and if we don't do this tomorrow--

The clinic is in the city,
and Danny lives way closer.

This is me being responsible.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks for doing this with us. Really.

Of course.

[intriguing music playing]

[phone beeping, call ringing]

Yo, Schwooper! Let's hit the city!

I wanna have an early night, Danny.
Can't I meet you at your place?

For sure. But I just saw there's
a new pop-up food thing at the marina.

A potato ice cream?!

That sounds bad.

Yoshi! It's trending!

Let's meet there,
grab a bite, and then home.

Earliest night of your life!
Dropping you a pin.

Danny, my phone doesn't do pins.

How am I supposed to tell you where it is?

Get this. You could tell me where it is.

[jaunty klezmer music playing]

[phone ringing]

Huh.

Hello?

Yosh! I got arrested!

Danny? Why are you so happy?

Well, I'm not really arrested.

Oh, you are.

Yeah, okay, great work. Of course I am.

It's one of these new
escape room club experiences.

I was on the way, and I got pulled over

for "watching porn and
eating spaghetti while driving,"

and I was like, "Dope! I've been chosen!"

So, you're not in jail?

[Danny] Well, that's the thing, man!

Am I?

Yes, you are.

So, I'm supposed to "call you for bail."

But then it's like I'm shortchanging
the authenticity of the experience.

I needed a regular night. How am I
supposed to get into your apartment?

Just use the key under the mat.

Why didn't you just tell me that before?

-[Danny] Whoa!
-[officer] Sir! That g*n is not a prop!

-[call disconnects]
-[groans]

-[woman] Yoshi?
-Huh?

Yoshi Schwooper.
It's Baby. Baby Feldstein.

Oh, Feldstein.

-I thought you were Baby Grand.
-What?

Like the piano. Baby grand,
"Chopsticks," whatnot. Just a joke.

-Just a dumb joke. Hi! Hello! I know you!
-[laughs]

Excuse me! No cutting!

Relax, lady. I'm not cutting.
You'll get your ice cream.

-Not like you need it.
-Whoa!

What? I can say that.

I'm a woman in a body.

-I'm advocating for her, in a way.
-Are you?

Tell me everything.
Where do you live? What do you do?

How is Shira? Still unbearable?

I'm fully kidding! Am I?

Uh, Shira's great.

-It's really so crazy to see you.
-Rachel!

-Go, go, go. I'll meet you there.
-Rachel?

You didn't think
my name was actually Baby, did you?

I 100% did. But you were a baby once,

and some people
do have names of what they are,

like Jack White or Gary Old-Man.

Well, my parents named me Rachel,

but my big sister, Alana,
refused to call me anything but Baby,

and no one says no to Alana,
thus everyone calls me Baby.

-Okay.
-I mean, if anyone should understand

having a bossy older sister…

I know. To this day,
when my family drives anywhere,

I sit in the middle,
even though I am the tallest.

That's not fair!
You're actually, like, quite tall.

-I know!
-Honestly, maybe too tall.

-Oh.
-You can call me Baby,

but when I start a new job,
it's too complicated to explain.

So instead, I just say I'm Rachel.

-At my job, they call me Josh.
-Josh. [chuckles]

Okay, Josh.

Okay, Rachel.

[vendor] Next!

I guess this is me,
so, uh, see you around?

What? No. I still need to hear about
the last 12 years, Josh.

Oh, really? Please,
don't feel like you have to.

I mean, you can totally go ahead
with your friends if you want to.

This is me doing what I want.

-Oh.
-[vendor] Hey, y'all.

How we doing?
Happy to answer any questions.

No, it's self-explanatory.

A bit about me. A young kid bouncing
around the edges of the startup gestalt.

-Makes sense.
-So I founded an app.

I know. Who founds apps, right?

But technically,
I am legally a founder of it.

-Sounds legit. Continue.
-Anyway, huge success.

-Right.
-Got a bunch of money,

but started to get very,

"What's money, ultimately?" You know?

So, I sold the app for more money,

wanted to get back to something real.
Enter food hacking. Hello!

-Hello.
-So here's me.

Everything organic. Everything local.

Ice cream is from right by my house.

Sundae Fudgy Sundae.

Potatoes I grow myself,
in the dirt, with my hands.

Any questions?

Is this why the line's so long? Everyone's
gotta listen to your life story?

Ooh.

[laughing] Okay, I like you. You eat free.

Wait, you work at a farm in Vermont?

Like a farm-farm? Like Old MacDonald?
Everywhere an oink-oink?

Well, you know, the song overstates
the degree of the oink-oink.

It is not everywhere.

-Here.
-Oh, thanks.

But only for a few more months,
then I gotta figure out the next thing.

-Do you have a favorite soil?
-I do!

Oh! I was kidding.

Oh. Well, it's silty soil.

And when do you get back
to your silty soil?

Tomorrow night.

I'm also heading out of town tomorrow.
I'm moving to Shanghai!

-What?
-Tonight was my going-away thing.

Dude! You're making a big deal
out of my farm internship

when you're moving to original China?

My marketing firm's opening an office.
Not like I'm going away forever.

But it is surreal that I'm waking up
in nine hours to go to the airport.

Oh, well, then you should
probably get going then, huh?

No. She was clearly into me.

There was no academic reason
for Señora Estrada to teach me the tango.

I believe you.
She taught me the tango too.

-Huh.
-Enough with the nostalgia.

Tables are for eating, not reminiscing.

[Baby exhales deeply]

I should, uh, probably get to the bar.

You should come.

Uh, I… I don't want to be out too late.

Me neither. Crack of dawn flight,
remember? We're same page here.

I'm just having a nice time.

Okay, but if I embarrass you in front
of your sophisticated city friends,

you have no one to blame but me.

Deal.

So, I'm on my hands and knees,
and Dot is already crowning.

How could the husbandry guy
go MIA when Dot is due?

Well, when Ben and Jerry
want to talk dairy,

-you go.
-He's right.

We get on the phone,
he walks me through it.

I have to reach in and turn the calf
into an unbreeched position.

-That must've been so scary.
-What?

It was. And Dot was so scared too.

I wanted to calm her down, but it's
not like I could say, "Don't have a cow!"

That was our whole goal!

[all laughing]

-That's how we got Polka.
-Wow!

What? Come on.
I gotta buy you a drink, man.

Oh. Well, uh, I'm not drinking tonight,

so can I get a martini with extra olives
and no martini liquid?

So, um, a glass of olives?

Yeah.

So, what about you? You got a girl
waiting for you back on the farm?

Oh no. Nothing like that.

Two girls? Eight? One girl that lasts
a miraculous eight nights?

No, no. I mean, there's been situations,

but nothing's ever
turned into anything real.

Is that because
you're awful, and boring, and short?

It's hard for me to make deep connections.

I think a part of me feels like
I'm not all there yet.

Oy-yoy.

-What?
-Guys always say that. Like,

"I'm still figuring myself out."
Yeah, so is everybody, okay?

You're never done figuring yourself out.
Can't use that excuse.

-I wasn't making an excuse.
-No, I know.

-I was just talking about other--
-I was talking about me.

Right. Of course. I didn't mean…

[sighs]

It's getting late.

Oh, uh…

Yeah.

But it was fun to catch up.

So, I'll see you in another 12 years?

Looking forward.

I just need my bag with all my stuff.

[chuckles]

Right. Of course. Um…

-Oh…
-[tense music playing]

Oh no. I don't have my bag!

What do you mean?

I must've left it at the potahto place.

-You say "potahto"?
-Someone has to!

Oh my God. Oh no! No!

-Okay.
-We are so screwed!

It's okay. Don't panic.
We'll go back and get it.

-[dramatic stinger]
-[wind whistling]

Can I panic now?

You'd be crazy not to!

It's gone! How can a restaurant be gone?
What kind of wizarding world are we in?

-It was a food truck. It left on wheels.
-Hello? Hello?

It's not hiding from us, Yoshi.

I don't mean to be
super intense or anything,

-but I really need my bag.
-Yeah.

I also really need my bag,

on account of the whole
"leaving the country tomorrow" thing,

except not if I don't have my bag.

Oh God!

Oh, why don't we look at Air Spud's Insta?
See what the next stop is.

Ugh. My phone doesn't do Instagram.

A flip phone? Yoshi,
this isn't the time to be interesting.

I didn't get it to be interesting.
It's for my mental health.

-How's your mental health right now?
-Bad!

Fabulous. Well,
good to know our bases are covered

if we suddenly need to play Snake.

You know Snake?

Oh, I got it. What if
we check Instagram on your computer?

Oh, sure. My computer,

which is in my apartment, which requires
a key, which is in my clutch,

which is in your not-here bag.

Oh, yes! Let's ask them!

-[phone buzzes]
-Hm?

[dramatic music playing]

Where ya going?

Pick it up, Yoshi!

-Okay. Okay.
-[dings]

Hello, hello! What's your poison?

Know where the potato
ice cream truck went?

Oh, of course.

Everybody wants that guy's potato bowls.

My Soup on a Sticks are just as good.
Check my Yelp.

-Compare the Yelps!
-Okay, sure, whatever.

We need to get our things back,

and they're on that truck,
and it's sort of an emergency.

I have an emergency too,
which is I'm running a business.

And I figure that information
is worth about a dozen pops. Each.

Oh, man! Okay.

Lady, if you don't tell us
where that truck is,

the minute I get
my hands on some internet,

I'll create five different Yelp accounts

to post about the severed thumbs and hair
I found in my clam chowdsicle.

Ah! He sold out for the night!

He went home! Please don't Yelp-b*mb me!

Oh, thank you.

Okay, so he's home.

At his house, which is somewhere.

What do we know about him?
I feel like too much.

Ooh! He sold an app.

-He grows his own potatoes.
-And he gets his ice cream fresh from--

Sundae Fudgy Sundae.
Okay, that's in Nob Hill.

We'll start there,
fan out until we see his truck.

Yes! Also, he says "gestalt."
Is that anything?

We can stop brainstorming, Yosh. I got it.

["Electric Flame" by Trlogy playing]

[sighing]

-What?
-Mm-mm?

[sighs]

-[grunts]
-[both chuckle]

-[both grunt]
-[chuckles awkwardly]

I think we're getting close, yeah?

[song ends]

Now what? We just walk around?

-It's gonna take forever.
-[Baby] Ding, ding!

-Hello!
-We can't steal those.

They're rich.

You don't leave something out
in San Francisco

unless you want someone to take it.

-That's like part of the culture here.
-[sighs]

Okay, but I want the unicorn one.

["Little of Your Love"
by Haim and Bloodpop playing]

♪ Gimme just a little of your love ♪

-[bike bell ringing]
-[giggling]

-Whoo!
-[both laughing]

[trolley dinging]

Hey, uh, what happened
between you and Shira?

Oh, sure.

You were, like, around all the time,

-and then suddenly not.
-What happened. What happened, uh…

I guess just being a teenager happened.

Oh.

Okay.

We were kids. Lots of feelings.

Someone felt betrayed by someone else.

And you know Shira can go
just, like, nuclear for no reason.

I mean, yeah.
She can definitely fly off the handle,

but usually it's not no reason.

Yeah, I don't know.

Like I said, we were kids.

-But, yeah, sure, but--
-Eureka! Potatoes!

Hey, is my bag still there?

I can't tell.

[straining]

Yoshi! Hey, we can just squeeze in,
grab the bag, and squeeze out.

Isn't that breaking and entering?

No! It's squeezing and grabbing.

Like lesbians.

Wait! Just…

Are we sure the bag is in there?

Give me your phone. I'll call myself.

Here we go.

-[call ringing]
-Do you hear anything?

There's nothing to hear,
I leave my phone on silent.

Then why did you just do that?

So you have my number.

-Also, I can see the bag right there.
-Yes!

[straining]

[Baby chuckling]

Wait, what?

He doesn't even grow his own potahtos?

-This man is a fraud!
-[alarm blaring]

-So sorry! Not a fraud! I won't tell!
-This way!

[exciting music playing]

-Yow! God! Ah!
-[Baby grunting]

[Yoshi] Baby! Ba… Where are you?

I'm in a yard. Where are you?

I'm in this yard.

-Okay, I'll meet you at the alley.
-Yeah, okay.

-Ah! Gah!
-[splashing]

-No! No!
-[squirrel chittering]

-Ah! Another pool?
-[splashing]

-[Yoshi yelping]
-[dog barking]

[Yoshi] God! Come on!

[straining, sighs]

[chuckles]

Easy-peasy.

Thank you. [chuckles]

["Little of Your Love"
by Haim and Bloodpop playing]

Hm. [sighs]

It's nice bumping into you.

Happy travels.

[sighs]

Okay.

[inhales sharply]

Okay.

[sighs]

♪ You're so close now ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ So don't let me down ♪

Here we go.

♪ Gimme just a little of your love
Gimme just a little of your love ♪

[Baby moaning]

[both] Mmm.

♪ Gimme just a little of your love ♪

No. No, no, no.

[groaning]

[straining] No…

God! No, no! Not now!

Get back in there!

Okay, it's not a big deal.

No! No! My… Argh.
My sister is gonna k*ll me!

Why would we tell your sister?

[phone buzzing]

[sighs]

Hm.

Uh…

Honey, I have to go.
Yoshi needs me and a pair of pants.

Your pants? [moans]

But you're so bald.

Okay, when are you
supposed to be at the clinic?

In a few hours, which is way less
than the mandated three days.

Shira's gonna be so mad.

I know! And Kendra's poor boobs.

[inhales sharply] Hmm.

No less than three and no more than five.

[sighs] We could use mine.

Could we?

I am right on schedule.

I remember because four days ago I was
watching this documentary on black holes…

-Oh.
-…and Jen found it kind of sexy.

I don't know.

[sighs] Shira asked me.

Yeah, no, of course. But, you know,
I'm here with all the right genes.

I said thank you for the jeans.

-No, not jeans. Genes.
-Elaborate.

Uh…

Okay, this is Mom and this is Dad.

They had me, Shira, and you.

-Why am I the creamer?
-You know why.

We all got a little Schwartz and Cooper.

Me, same as you, same as Shira.
We're all Schwooper.

But your Schwooper is a decade older.

But the sperm is fresh.

Baby's not gonna come out
in a Pearl Jam t-shirt.

Okay, yeah.

Mi sperma es su sperma,
like Señora Estrada always said.

Uh, who said?

We can't just sub in
your pearl jam for mine.

We gotta run it by Shira, yeah?

Oh, yeah, of course.
No, you gotta talk to Shira first.

You can't just do, like, a blind swap.

Right. Right. No, we gotta.

But maybe more you gotta.
With me as a backup, right?

Sorry, me? No. No, no.

-This is on you.
-You're the incoming sperm.

I'm outgoing sperm.
That's how this traditionally works.

There's tradition? I must have missed that
scene in Fiddler about sperm tradition.

I thought Tevye's bottles
were full of milk.

Okay, all right, fine.

What if, as a thought experiment,

we didn't tell her?

Hmm? No.

I mean, we… we can't just
make the switch and not tell her.

I know.

But she's gonna be so mad.

Ah, that's true, yeah. What, um…

What did you say earlier
about not telling her?

No, you're right. We have to tell her.

What if we did it together?

[tense music playing]

-Eh…
-Hoo…

[Yoshi clears throat]

[groans]

Okay.

Just hear us out.

Look, first, you're probably gonna be...

-slightly upset.
-Slightly very upset.

But then, we think
you are gonna be gladly surprised.

Surprised.

And ultimately,
we think you're gonna land at…

-Great mom!
-Mazel tov.

-Ah?
-And siman tov?

Yoshi texts me and…

So, I ended up going out tonight…

We obviously want to make this happen…

-Something happened accidentally.
-This being a offspring.

What?

-It, by mistake, occurred in my pants.
-But now I've come to help.

He will come to help.

I have come to help.

But not yet, you haven't.
That's why you can.

I'm here right now to come to help.
You can use my sperm.

-Which you wanted in the first place.
-[dramatic stinger]

-First place? Is that true?
-[Shira] Avi, wait.

Wait. Why? Why can't you do it?
What happened, Yoshi?

Do you remember how a couple years ago
I was selling these mattress tubes,

but there was a problem because
the tubes exploded too early?

-What?
-[Avi] Okay.

-We're all maybe a little tense right now.
-[buzzing]

Maybe let's look at
the bigger picture here.

The DNA is mostly the same,

-give or take a couple chromosomes.
-Huh.

-[Shira] There are only two chromosomes!
-[Avi] What are there 23 of?

I don't know,
but there's an X and Y, that's two!

-And why are you smiling?
-I am?

Who just texted you?
The girl who has my sperm?

No. Yes. I mean, look,
she doesn't have it.

The "it" went in my pants,
but yes, she is the girl.

What aren't you telling me?

-You're using more words than normal.
-…relevant and pertinent information.

The least you can do is be honest with me.

-It's Rachel.
-Rachel who? I don't know Rachel.

Feldstein.

-What?
-It's Rachel Feldstein.

-Who's Rachel Feldstein?
-You were with Baby?

-Oh wow.
-I know it sounds bad,

but I just, I don't know. I ran into her,
and she's moving and it was nighttime,

-and there was a bus--
-This sucks. I don't understand you.

Why couldn't you
just this one time not let me down?

I'm sorry. Okay, but Shira.
I want to fix it. We can fix it.

-We can.
-No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I tried to involve you guys
in something important to me.

You'd think I'd get it by now.
So that's on me.

But you know what?
We'll get an anonymous donor.

It's going to be easy and clean.

And the best gift
I can give my unborn children

is they're going to have
zero of this in them.

[sighs]

And I pray to God we have a girl

because the last thing this family needs
is more boys!

-Okay. I see an arm.
-[both gasping]

-Wow…
-Okay.

Look at that. A schmeckle.

[both gasping and laughing]

[doctor] And… Oh.

Another schmeckle.

-Huh?
-Our baby has two schmeckles?

["Little of Your Love"
by Haim and Bloodpop playing]

♪ Give me just a little of your love ♪

♪ Give me just a little of your love ♪

♪ Give me just a little of your love ♪

-♪ You're so close now ♪
-♪ Give me just a little of your love ♪

-♪ You're so close now ♪
-♪ Give me just a little of your love ♪

-♪ You're so close now ♪
-♪ Give me just a little of your love ♪

-♪ You're so close now ♪
-♪ Give me just a little of your love ♪

[music fades out]