01x06 - Wolves

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music playing]

Okay, the game is called
Shepherds of the Fertile Crescent.

-I don't know, Avi. Sounds complicated.
-I haven't told you anything about it.

Is it complicated?

Yeah, but once you understand
the myriad rules--

-Can I be this guy?
-I want to be that guy.

No, nobody is that guy.

-Aw.
-That's the Spirit of the Harvest.

-He bestows resources.
-I wanna bestow resources.

-No, we get the resources.
-But I want to bestow.

-Already too much fighting.
-Avi, let your brother bestow.

That's not how the game works.

There are five resources.
Oats, obsidian, flint, goats, and mud.

-We start with different amounts.
-Ugh. Why so many?

-Not fair.
-I didn't even--

-How do you play? There's no board.
-I'm explaining.

-Can I be mud?
-Yes, Yoshi, you can be mud.

-Yes!
-He can't be mud. He can obtain mud.

-Done with the instructions?
-I barely started.

You're losing the crowd, Avi.

Maybe we just start playing
and you can explain as we go.

Fine. Pick a territory.

-I want goats.
-I never get goats.

-Goats are not a territory.
-Makes no sense.

Because you're not listening.

-Yoshi's putting pieces up his nose.
-I'm listening. I just don't understand.

-Your father doesn't either.
-I'm understanding.

He's being nice. He doesn't understand.

He has the same glazed look as when
we rented Farewell My Concubine.

I didn't not understand
Farewell My Concubine.

-I just preferred Mrs. Doubtfire.
-I want to be a concubine.

For the record, I understand
the game perfectly and I think it's bad.

This is why
you don't play games with family.

Your family are not your friends.

-Avi doesn't have friends.
-Yes, I do.

You like things
with a lot of instructions.

I like watching the sweat glisten

on Michael Jordan's smooth head
during warm-ups,

which I am now missing, by the way.

What kind of game is this even?

It's sophisticated. It's European.

-[dramatic stinger]
-What part of Europe?

I think the middle part of it.

[ominous stinger]

[sighs] Germany.

They haven't done enough?
We have to now play their sick game?

["Long Story Short
Main Title Theme" playing]

[music ends]

Cannibal, these are great.

Shut up.

No, for real. Look.

I'm taking off my dad hat and putting on
my beret of unbiased criticism,

and I think this is dynamic photography.

I'm just trying to do with photos
what Robert Altman did with sound.

You've got some photogenic friends.

These aren't my friends. I just take
their pictures from across the quad.

The zoom on my camera's real good,
and they don't even know.

Okay, the dad hat's going back on.

If they know they're being photographed,
they start performing.

Look, I'll show you.

Um. Wh… Ah, crap.

I left my camera at our house…
I mean, Mom's house.

-Can you get it?
-Hannah!

-I know, it's a burden for you to see Mom…
-It's not that.

-…who you married, had a child with.
-I can't drop everything.

Or I could just not have
my camera for a few days.

My one interest,
my lifeline in a world gone mad.

Ah! Fine, I'll get it.

Thank you, Daddy.

Are you doing okay, though?
In the world gone mad?

I mean, I'm glad
we're not learning remote anymore,

but it is weird being back on campus

with the cafeteria food
and the wolves and the cliques.

-Yeah, middle school is hell.
-I was thinking, if I had a bat mitzvah--

"If"? You're not having a bat mitzvah.

No, of course, but if I did, what I was
thinking was…

[scoffs] …who would even come?

You're saying "if"
like it could still happen by surprise,

-but you reserve a spot years in advance…
-I get it.

…study your Torah portion for six months.
Also, you have to be Jewish…

-I know.
-…which you're not.

I'm just saying, if I did have
a bat mitzvah, no one would come.

But you're not having a bat mitzvah,
so there's nothing to worry about.

Bus.

I worry about Hannah. You don't think
she wants a bat mitzvah, do you?

-That's not what she's saying.
-They seem fun,

but if we gave her a bat mitzvah,
after everything with my mom,

and my mom couldn't even come?

Avi, she was telling you
she doesn't have friends.

What? But she's so cool.

She's lonely. You need to help her.

Help her make friends?

Well, I can't help.

She won't talk to me
about anything. Not even the wolves.

Adults shouldn't muck around
in their kids' lives.

Hannah's a great kid.

Whatever's going on, the best thing
is to let it work itself out.

Like when you're sick and it sucks,
but you have to get through it.

No, when you're sick, you see a doctor.
You take medicine.

I feel like if I'm sick,
on some level I deserve it,

so if I take medicine,
it's like I'm cheating.

Well, that aside,

Hannah needs friends her own age,
and you need to be her father.

I am her father.

[in Darth Vader voice]
Jen, I am her father.

What is that? The Lion King?

What? It's Darth-- Ugh.

[rock music playing]

[Avi] I'll trade you two goats
for one barrel of mud.

Deal. Then I'll trade
these villages for a town.

Booyah!

Hey, Cannibal,
if I wasn't with you right now,

who would you play this game with?

No one. Kids these days
don't have the attention span.

They need constant stimulation
or they'll pass out.

So sad they'll never know
the simple pleasure

of gradually cornering
the market on obsidian.

Okay, but you have other interests.

I mean, there must be something
you can bond over.

I think I might just be one of those
people who blossoms in college,

so I just gotta white-knuckle
the next six years.

No, that's… Here's what you do.

Think of something you like doing, like…

This guy loves hoarding obsidian, right?

Now, he might see someone else
hoarding obsidian,

so he just kind of sidles up
and starts hoarding next to him.

What you're describing is parallel play.
That's what toddlers do.

Grownups do it too!

There's a guy at work
who also eats lunch alone in his car.

Sometimes I see him from my car
and it's like, "Friend!"

Oh yeah? What's his name?

-Blue Isuzu.
-Wow.

Why not try yearbook?

You're an amazing photographer.
You don't have to talk. It's perfect.

Oh, I couldn't. The yearbook
room was taken over by the wolves.

Okay, who are these wolves
everyone keeps talking about?

Mean girls? Incels?
Some kind of dance crew?

No, they're wolves.

What do you mean, "Wolves"?

Wolves? Like, wolves.

Okay, but not wolves.

-Yeah, wolves.
-[dramatic stinger]

Oh my God! They're wolves?

-[tense music playing]
-[growling, barks]

[student screaming]

[whining]

[growling]

So they assumed the earth was flat
and if you sailed too far…

[howling]

And if you sailed too far…

-[howling]
-[teacher clears throat]

I'll wait.

Did you know our daughter's school
has been invaded by wolves?

No, I don't think they invaded.

The school emptied during the pandemic.
Wolves moved in.

Wait, wait, wait. During the pandemic?
The kids have been back for months.

We talked for 20 minutes yesterday
about "maybe Hannah's lonely,"

but "maybe Hannah could
get attacked by a wild animal"

didn't seem pertinent?

More kids die from social isolation
than wolf attacks.

Most kids are not
in the proximity of wolves!

What happens to the data
when you adjust for that?

The wolf situation will work itself out,
but adolescence is tough.

When you throw in all the stuff she's had
to go through in the last few years…

[muffled conversation continues]

How is this the first I'm hearing

of the apex predators
prowling my daughter's campus?

I don't know.
You get the same emails I do.

Ugh, the emails from the school.

I gotta know every time there's
a fundraiser for dry-erase markers?

Are you upset about the wolves or emails?

I'm saying, when there's wolves,
maybe put,

"Attention, your children are surrounded
by wolves" in the subject line.

They're not surrounded.

It's like three or four wolves.

-I'm concerned we don't have a head count.
-If you're so concerned,

you can go to a community meeting.

[groans] I gotta go to a meeting?

The bake sale did not raise enough
for the new dry-erase markers.

Teachers will use permanent markers.
When the whiteboards fill up,

a bake sale will raise money
for new whiteboards.

Due to parents' requests, we removed
Charlotte's Web from the school library.

What's wrong with Charlotte's Web?

Oh, black spider, white little girl.

Oh.

-What?
-We have an update on the wolf situation.

We previously estimated
three to four wolves on campus.

We now believe there are four to five.

So depending on the earlier number,

there is now one additional wolf
or two additional wolves,

or the same number of wolves.

Uh, is that it about the wolves?

Sir, when we open the floor
for questions and concerns,

you can form a line in the center aisle.

-I have a question about the wolves.
-[woman] We have not opened the floor.

-Oh, sorry.
-[woman] Please return to your seat.

That concludes community updates.

The floor is now open
for questions and concerns.

-[comedic twang]
-[Avi groans]

-Hi there! Caitlyn McClendon.
-Excuse me.

Kevin McClendon's mom.

Hi, Caitlyn.

I'm concerned about
the processed meat situation.

The hot dogs. Caitlyn,
we already stopped serving the hot dogs.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. But where are the hot dogs?

I believe they're still
in the cafeteria freezers.

Couldn't a child get one accidentally?

-You're asking if your child…
-Not just my child.

…could accidentally ingest
a frozen hot dog from inside a freezer

-…inside a kitchen.
-I'm asking on behalf of all the children.

We'll look into it.

Thank you.

-That's…
-Halfway down.

Don't you…

Yeah, Avi Schwooper,
Hannah's papa… Hannah's dad.

I don't know why I said "papa."

-I'd like to get back to the wolves.
-What about the wolves?

Yes, what about the wolves?

We're weighing options
on how to handle them.

-Options?
-Top priority.

You got rid of Charlotte's Web easy.
Maybe do it like that.

[woman] Thank you, Avi.

-Hey!
-Ah.

Caitlyn McClendon,
this is Lauren and Topaz.

-Yeah.
-Hi.

We think that was really cool what you did
in there, speaking truth to power.

-So cool.
-Oh, I… I don't know.

Those school board Bolsheviks think

they know better than us
what's best for our children?

It's literally disgusting.

Yeah, I mean,
I just want my daughter to be safe.

That's all I want for my son.

And they treat us like
we're another problem to deal with.

It's actually disgusting.

Glad to see I'm not alone here.

Of course you're not alone, Avi.

-You are so not alone.
-Oh.

I'm organizing a confab
of concerned parents at my house.

A "strength in numbers" kind of thing.

It could be cool.
You want to stop by? No presh.

Defo no presh.

But don't you feel like
he would add so much?

I mean, I do, yeah. So much.

That sounds great. I…

I was starting to think I was
the only sane person in this town.

I mean, wolves?

Wolves?

That's right, Avi.

-We're the ones who are sane.
-[ominous music playing]

Yeah!

Usually when people insist they're sane,
it's because they're not sane.

But I do think in this scenario,
we are the sane ones.

-We're the sane ones!
-[ominous music repeats]

Okay, but don't shout though.

Sorry, Caitlyn.

We'll see you soon, Mr. Man.

[ominous music playing]

People, this is Avi,

and he is an absolute psychopath
for parents' rights.

Yeah… [chuckles] I don't know psychopath…

He's, like, horny for it. It's adorable.

Sure. I'm specifically horny
about wolf safety.

And can I say
how great it is to see a dad here?

My husband just thinks
this is, like, my hobby.

Yeah, and I'm also a dad,

so I think it's great too,
to have another one.

Tell us about you, Avi.

Well, uh, my daughter is Hannah.

Um, I work at this music app, Radio-ology.

-[women] Oh!
-I heard of that.

I write artist bios, make playlists.

-Wow. Do you do "New Now Next"?
-Yeah!

Oh no, my big one is,
"You're Listening to the Eagles,"

a playlist of Eagles songs that plays
if you've been listening to the Eagles

and then forget to close the app.

Oh, I'll have to check that out.

You can check out anytime you like.

I always assumed those playlists
were just made by an algorithm.

Well, they're not. Yet.

And you guys do podcasts, too, right?

Yeah, they're putting a lot of money
into that, so a lot of layoffs.

Great! Well, we're glad you're here.

I want to talk about
how we can protect our children.

Right! From the wolves.

From everything. The wolves are just
a symptom of the egregious neglect

-our children suffer.
-Okay.

My Kevin doesn't feel comfortable
in the bathroom because when he stands up,

half his torso is exposed.

They need longer doors
in the bathroom stalls.

They won't allow me on campus
to reapply sunscreen to my Jasmine.

-Why do you need…
-They still haven't replaced

the fluorescent lights with dimmer bulbs.

My son has Bono eyes.

It's wild that
they don't take any of this seriously,

but they act like COVID is a big deal?

Some of these kids
are still wearing masks,

which studies show
is worse for kids than COVID.

-Studies show that?
-I mean, obviously COVID bad,

blah, blah, blah, but does anyone really
know anyone who died of COVID?

-I mean, my mom did, so…
-[parents exclaiming uncomfortably]

Okay, sure,
I'm sorry for your loss or whatever,

but I meant, like, kids at this school.

Right, sorry to bring my baggage into it,
uh, but back to the wolves.

Avi, Avi, the wolves are
a symbol for something bigger.

-Right, the legitimate issues we have.
-Yes, thank you, so legitimate.

And they're all so equally legitimate,

but I wonder if collectively,

maybe, it might be overwhelming
for someone who doesn't understand.

-Okay, yeah.
-So thinking about

what you said about
the wolves being a helpful symbol.

-Did I say that? So wise.
-If we could cohere our messaging,

we could get some attention,

you know, because wolves, obviously bad.

Then we pivot to the other stuff,
like your thing with the…

-Bathroom stalls for Kevin.
-Bathroom stalls, exactly.

Focus on the wolves, then go big.
That's actually weirdly brilliant.

You don't have to say "weirdly."

[bell ringing]

[heavy guitar riff playing]

-Are we ready?
-I'm ready.

Ready.

I'm also ready.
I nodded, but I don't think you saw, so…

So what exactly is the plan?

All you have to do is hold the camera,
but high angle on me, okay?

-Bill, now!
-[Bill grunting]

-[Avi] Oh my God.
-What the--

We are parents, and we're crying wolf!

[howling awkwardly]

The door was unlocked.

Like how the school is unlocked to wolves?

Talk more about the wolves.

Wolves are a metaphor.

But also real.

Caitlyn, please.

[mockingly] "Oh, Caitlyn, please."

Look at her. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

Mention the actual wolves in wolf bodies?

Up here, not down there. Okay?

The only wolf that should be at school
is Virginia Woolf,

and I'm not so sure about her either.
I have to do the research.

You've locked our children
in here with wolves,

and you've locked us out

so you could brainwash them
with your round-earth propaganda.

-Oh no.
-My daughter won't reapply her sunscreen.

She says she does,
but I can smell it not on her.

I'm working on addressing
all of your issues,

as well as the ones I have on my desk…

-[howling]
-Had on my desk.

Okay, I'm ready. I heard "desk."

-Yes. Wow.
-Hey!

-What's going on? What are we doing?
-[Bill grunting]

-[Avi] Oh no! No, no, no.
-Ugh.

Ah! No, no, not my face!

[guitar music ends]

[Caitlyn] I do not consent to this.
I do not consent to this touching.

Am I being detained? I know my rights.
Am I being detained? Am I free to go?

[Hannah] Dad?

Due to the attention
raised by some concerned parents

-around our wolf situation…
-[angry muttering]

…we are shutting down
the campus immediately

and returning students
to full-time remote learning.

Doors will remain closed until the wolves
can be safely and humanely relocated.

[teacher] Okay, folks,
welcome back to hell.

You don't want to be here, and neither
do I, so I'm just going to play a video.

♪ They're over there
Jim is at the gym ♪

♪ A h*m* is a h*m* ♪

♪ But when you read what you read
You're on your own ♪

Okay.

♪ Because not every h*m*'s
A h*m* ♪

-[phone buzzing]
-Huh?

[phone dings]

Hey!

Hey.

So, I think you guys know
what we all have in common.

Our freaking embarrassing parents
have made us social freaking pariahs.

This is so much worse than wolves.
We've got to do something.

What if we get legally emancipated?
We can do that.

My cousin's boyfriend is a lawyer,

and he's an expert on what ages
people are allowed to do things.

That sounds promising.

Guys, no,

everyone hates us because they see us
as the kids of our annoying parents.

We just have to get them
to see us in a good way.

How the frick do we do that?

We put an end to all of this.

Group suicide? Dark!

But I'm intrigued. Say more.

No, we get rid of the wolves.

How?

I don't know. What do wolves like?

Little pigs? Little Red Riding Hood?

Little Red Riding Hood's slutty grandma?

Meat. The better to bait them with.

That's why that one wolf is always
digging through the trash cans.

He's looking for food.

To bring back to his freaking family
in the freaking yearbook room.

If we had, like, a trail of meat,
we could lure the wolves off campus.

Hot dogs! The cafeteria's full of
frozen dogs because of my hot mom.

I mean, my mom's not hot.

I mean, objectively, she's okay.

Like, I look at a piece of art,
and I can appreciate aesthetically.

Okay, we got it.

-Hot dogs.
-[intense drumbeat playing]

Okay, first of all, Avi,
thank you for hosting this meeting

after my husband said I'm not "allowed"

to have "gatherings"
at "his" house anymore

because he thinks I'll get myself
"arrested" or "worse."

-Ugh, husbands.
-But I love mine, though.

Yours is good.

Well, the good news is
our kids are safe now.

Safe? No.

But phase one was a success.

Now we do phase two.

-[Avi] Okay…
-Yeah, number two.

-Uh…
-Avi, this is where you come in.

Really? Because I feel like
I came in on phase one.

-Someone else…
-You have access.

You work at Radio-ology.

We're doing a mom-fluencer podcast
about taking up space.

And one dad-fluencer.

[Caitlyn] You can push it
to every Radio-ology user.

We could build an empire…

for the kids.

Yeah, I don't know if, uh…

It's really kind of top-down over there.
I'm not much of a…

You can't really… I don't have the…

This is cool. You're… You're all cool.

But I just don't want to be
a part of any of this anymore at all.

Good luck though!

This is his house.

[groans]

[items clattering]

-Hello. Going somewhere?
-Ah! Jeez! Dad!

What are you doing out here?

I thought you were brainstorming
new ways to make my life miserable

with all your weirdo friends.

I'm done with all that.
They took things too far.

-Getting the school shut down?
-Asking me to do a podcast.

Everything I did, I did for you.

For me? I never asked for any of it.

Sometimes parents have to be parents.

It's not just board games
and talking about old movies.

Those animals are dangerous.

-Why do you think you know what's best?
-Because of my adult brain!

It doesn't have to make sense to you now.

Like, okay, when I was in high school,
I was in a band.

-What instrument did you play?
-I was like the manager. Not important.

So you weren't actually in the band.

We all called me the fifth member.
I was part of it.

And the band, it actually got
popular enough that we could go on tour.

But your grandmother said absolutely not,
couldn't miss school, over her dead body.

And I was so mad at the time.

And then, they got a record deal,

dropped out of high school,
and I was even more jealous.

But you know what happened to them?

I don't know. The deal fell apart.
They became drug addicts? What?

No, they became wildly successful.

But you know what happened to me?

What?

-You.
-[scoffs]

Well, anyway, I gotta go.

Why? Where are you going?

I'm going to release the wolves.

-What? No, you're not.
-I have to. My friends are there.

-The plan is in motion.
-Your friends are at the school?

You have friends?

Okay, absolutely not.
We gotta go stop them.

[exciting music playing]

I'm glad you have friends,

-but you can't let them peer pressure--
-It was my plan, Dad.

Okay, well, you shouldn't
peer pressure them.

What kind of plan?

-Meat.
-Meat?

Your plan is meat?

Well, it's mostly a meat plan.

But I studied my pictures,

and I think there's more
to the wolf dynamic than we think.

You created a meat plan
inspired by wolf dynamics.

-Pull over.
-[tires screech]

[wolves barking]

I gotta stop this.

No. Look.

-[kids] Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
-Okay, now watch this.

Okay, that's Girl Wolf.

See? She's been locked up in the yearbook
room by Mommy and Daddy Wolf,

but when Daddy Wolf got distracted
by the hot dogs, Girl Wolf escaped.

-Okay, but where's she going?
-She's looking for her Bae Wolf.

[Avi] Sorry, Beowulf?

-[Hannah] Bae Wolf. Her boyfriend.
-[howling]

[Avi] Ah, Bae Wolf.

That's fire.

Don't do that.

-[wolf growling]
-Uh-oh.

That's Daddy Wolf.
He doesn't like Bae Wolf.

That's why he was keeping
Girl Wolf in the yearbook room.

You think he's being overprotective?

He's feeling displaced.

He's afraid of not being needed,
but Girl Wolf's gonna be fine.

[wolf whining]

What's he… What's he doing now?
Oh, oh, oh, okay.

Wait, but that's the dad.

Or maybe it's not a dad?

I don't know anything about wolves.

You know, I might have been
projecting some things.

[gentle music playing]

Should we go?

[indie rock music playing]

[music fades]

Ah. I meant to tell you, I ordered
this Shepherds expansion pack.

You can trade rain as a resource. Rain!

Oh, that's messed up.

I expedited shipping.
It'll be here Saturday.

Oh, I was gonna ask you.

Kevin and Jasmine asked if I wanted
to see a movie with them Saturday night.

Oh, sure. Yeah, of course.

-I don't have to.
-No, no, no, no, you should.

Uh, I just saw
there's a Hitchcock retrospective at the--

Yeah, we'll probably go see a new movie.

Even better.

Okay, bye.

You don't want to wait for the bus?

Yeah, just,
my friends are already waiting.

-I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?
-Yeah.

It's a date.

["Animal Spirits" by Vulfpeck playing]

♪ And she's got
Animal spirits ♪

♪ And he's got
Heartfelt lyrics ♪

♪ Put them together and you can hear it ♪

♪ Oh, it's the song everyone knows ♪

♪ And she's got
Animal spirits ♪

♪ And he's got
Heartfelt lyrics ♪

♪ Put them together and you can hear it ♪

♪ Oh, it's the way the story goes ♪

[upbeat instrumentals continue]

[music ends]