01x08 - The Intervention

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat, old-timey music playing]

[panting excitedly]

-[dog barking]
-[giggling]

-[bike bell ringing]
-[man] Whoa!

[grunting]

Daddy! Guess what? I biked the whole--

Not now, Naomi. I want to relax.

Throw to third,
you schlimazel of a schmendrick!

-A curse on you…
-Mama! Guess what?

I'm dealing with this mashugana oven.
Brisket's dryer than a Jack Benny routine.

-Ma! Susan won't get off the phone!
-I've never been so mortified…

-Let your sister use the phone!
-I need to tell you something!

Carol just wants the phone free

-because she thinks that boy's gonna call.
-Hey, everyone!

-Listen!
-Why don't you rat me out to the Gestapo?

-I rode my bike!
-Annie! Girls! Enough with the yelling!

I can't hear the Dodgers
but I bet the Dodgers can hear you.

Always with the complaining, Ira.

-God forbid you miss…
-Why would anyone move to California?

-Susan snuck out to see a Tarzan movie.
-Tattletale!

You can see a man without a shirt
when you're married!

Such screaming!
For this, my parents fled Europe?

They were terrorized by the pogroms,
I'm terrorized by my own daughters!

[screaming]

-Are you okay?
-Poor bubbeleh.

What happened?

I biked a whole block by myself!

-You did?
-That's incredible! Oh-h*!

Why didn't you say something?

["Long Story Short
Main Title Theme" playing]

[music ends]

[breezy guitar tune playing]

You said if we're coming down to LA,
let's get a house on the beach.

I'm not criticizing.

I'm just wondering if you might have found
a beach with quieter waves.

[doorbell ringing]

Hey, look who's here!

Avi! I love you. I love you. I love you.
Say it back!

Uh-huh. Hi, guys.

-Hi, Grandma!
-Hannah!

-Grandpa!
-Darling.

I love you. I love you. Say it back!

-You don't have to.
-I love you, Grandma.

And Jen.

How's business?

Oh, uh, business is good.

Oh, I got nervous because
I noticed you didn't bring wine,

when I know you get a discount from work,
but if you say it's good, it's good.

-Um…
-Oh, airport flowers. How considerate.

I'll have to find something
to put them in.

I'll take these to your room.

Come on, Hannah.

There's kichel in the kitchen,
with white flour and white sugar.

Not like those crumbly
gluten-agnostic cookies you have at home.

Yes! Real sugar! My love has been bought!

New record! Mom made it a whole 90 seconds

before she undercut our parenting.

Who would bring wine to an intervention?

You know what these towels are for, huh?

Uh, your tone implies
something other than drying,

but that can't be right.

The Soakmaster 9 Jacuzzi,

with underwater lights
and optional waterfall.

I hear it makes the Soakmaster 8
look like a tub of old soup.

But that's only if you trust
the Hot Tub Weekly reviews.

Bunch of hacks, if you ask me.

They've lost their edge
since Gore Vidal died.

[doorbell ringing]

[all] Hi!

Oh, I love you. I love you.
I love you. Say it back.

-[both] It back!
-[laughing]

-Stop! Kendra, they're beautiful.
-I picked them out for your anniversary.

There's some barley blossoms gleaned by
the beautiful Naomi in the Book of Ruth.

And the lilies symbolize love
from the Song of Solomon.

She gets it. You're the perfect
freakin' Jewish daughter.

I know just the place for them.

Mm-hm.

Shira, you're not wearing that tonight.

How was I supposed to dress
for an intervention?

It has to look like an anniversary party.

Yoshi will get suspicious

if he sees you looking like,
and don't take this the wrong way,

a panhandler with clown hair.

What's the right way to take that?

[pleasant shanty plays]

-You know what you're gonna say tonight?
-I was gonna follow your lead.

I gotta be honest, I didn't even know
that Yoshi had a problem.

Me neither. I feel terrible.

I haven't been checking in on him
since he moved to LA.

I know he's been living with
human red flag Danny Wegbreit.

Is not a schnook entitled to
a little intervention every now and then?

You laugh, but a schnook is entitled.

[joyful tune plays]

Oh, beach house.

Right, because otherwise,
how would we know?

-Ah!
-Shira, great news.

I knew you wouldn't bring anything decent,
so I packed a dress for you.

Fun. I'll wear my mother's clothes like
that normal guy from the movie Psycho.

Just put on the dress for one night.
And a little makeup wouldn't hurt.

I'm not wearing the dress!

Do I have to wear the dress?

Am I gonna pass up an opportunity to see
my lady's sexy knees? Beach, please.

Want me to say something
about the cookies?

A few cookies won't hurt.

Guess what? Grandma bought me an iPhone.

-The iPhone?!
-Grandma did what?

It's so much better than reading.

I watched a video of a guy
wiping out on a hoverboard.

Oh, I need a hoverboard. Get me one.
I won't wear a helmet.

-Helmets are a hoax.
-What?

Wow, what a nice gift for
Grandma to get you without asking us.

-And it's got all the apps.
-It talks!

-No.
-Isn't this fun?

Now it's like
I'm inside your house whenever I want.

Darling husband,
will you join me in the closet?

There's something I need to hang,
and that something is your mother.

-Hannah cannot have a phone.
-I know.

One of us has to tell Mom to take it back.

Oh, and which one of us
do you think that should that be?

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, my baby. You look awful.

Everyone to the living room!
Yoshi's here. He looks terrible.

-[boys play fighting]
-Cheese attack! Cholesterol!

Thanks for coming down to LA.
It's great for us to be together.

Whoa, what's going on?
Why's Shira dressed weird?

Whatever do you mean?

[shimmering]

Everyone, take some wine.
It's not fancy like Jen's wines.

So you don't have to drink it, Jen,
if it's not good enough for you.

Oh, I'm drinking it.

Wine? Seriously?

If he's already a drunk, one more glass
won't make the difference.

And we can't do anniversary toasts
without wine.

Why would we do toasts?

Everyone? Uh, everyone?

Listen, I know we're here
for a joyous occasion,

but there is something
very difficult I need to talk about.

[sad string music playing]

The hot tub isn't heating.

-[Avi groans]
-Seriously? Dad, no one cares.

I'm not nobody! And I care!

There were better houses on the website.
But we chose this house for the hot tub!

And it's our right as renters
to have the amenities advertised!

They say jacuzzi, I say j'accuse!

Elliott, let's not get distracted.
Tonight is about us.

Is it?

Who wants to hear the story of how we met?

-I remember it.
-Not again.

I'd love to, but my ears hurt.

I want to hear a story.

-Well then, if you insist.
-[all] Ugh.

-[Avi] Here we go.
-Red or white?

A glass of each.

-It was 1976, Golden Gate Park.
-[sentimental music playing]

I see this tall, golden-haired Adonis
high off his gourd on psychedelics.

-Mom!
-It was a different time.

Drugs were fun then, but now they're bad.

Maybe it's time for the kids to go.

-Oh, I've seen way worse on the internet.
-You've been on it for 15 minutes.

-Don't be such a cuck, Mom.
-Okay, that's it.

No, I can't go back! I've been red-pilled!

[Avi] Ah, ehh…

May I continue?

Keep it kid-friendly.

Of course.

So, Elliott… Sorry,
Grandpa was tripping hard,

running around naked
and screaming from the hallucinations--

-What did I say?
-I wanna be naked!

I wanna scream from hallucibations!

Kids, let's go scream naked
in the bedroom.

I thought I was surrounded by werewolves.

It was a very hairy era.
No one shaved anything.

Why are you looking at me?

Suddenly, I met
this one very kind werewolf,

and we've been together ever since.

Now who wants to give us a toast?

Oh, I'd love to.
Here's to being done with this nonsense

and starting
the g*dd*mn intervention already.

-Shira!
-Intervention?

We were gonna do toasts,
then soup course, then intervention.

What intervention?

Fine, fine, fine.
We can do it during the soup.

Do the toasts later.
Everyone into the kitchen.

[jaunty guitar tune plays, ends]

The boys are okay?

Yeah, they're hiding.
I'm pretending to seek.

And Hannah's on her phone
playing a game called Slice the Baby.

I'll talk to Mom after the intervention.

Naomi, this soup looks amazing.
What's in it?

Always so interested in my recipes, Jen.

If I gave you all my secrets,
my son would never come to visit.

Oh. [chuckling] Could you imagine?

Okay, Mom, how does this start?

All right, fine.

Yoshi, we love you, but you're an addict
and it's enough already.

Huh?

-I'm… I'm not an addict.
-That's the first thing every addict says.

Is the second thing,
"But seriously, I'm not an addict"?

Yes, every time. That is the second thing.

-Your mother feels--
-Mmm.

We feel like you have been acting very
strange since you moved down here.

You didn't call on our anniversary.
It's not like you.

-Is that what this is about?
-Avi and Shira also didn't call,

but that's not so unusual.

Is that a necessary detail?

It's context, Avi.

And when I visited last month,
I saw you sneak out of the house.

-You saw that?
-I brought you two bottles of wine,

something guests usually do,

and the next morning, I found them
both empty in your recycling.

There is an explanation for all of that,

but right now, I have to
immediately go to the bathroom.

So, who's got a toast?

Danny, my mom knows something's up.
She thinks I'm addicted to something.

Hey, just tell her the truth.
I told my mom. She was super supportive.

My mom will not be supportive.

I gotta just pretend to be an addict,
then get clean, so she gets off my back.

She's not gonna get off your back
unless you hand over all your drugs.

I don't have any drugs.

I need you to bring some drugs over here
so I can pretend that they're mine.

Why?

Did you not hear what I just said?

I'm pretty high, bro.

Daniel Joseph Wegbreit!

[jaunty tune plays]

Avi, are you buying any of this?

Yoshi is an addict
because he didn't want to call Mom?

I'm also addicted to not wanting
to be on the phone with Mom.

You don't think
this intervention was just a way

to get us all to come
to their anniversary party?

Yeah, it's Mom.

She has to make everything a catastrophe

because it's the only way
she knows how to get attention.

[Naomi] Everyone, outside!
It's an emergency!

The emergency is,
while Yoshi's in the bathroom,

we might as well take some family photos.

So you brought down the good camera
for the intervention?

Or because you thought
we might wanna take family photos?

Shira, of course
the only thing we care about is Yoshi.

[mystical tune plays]

But if we have a few minutes,
I'll call the owner about the hot tub.

Okay, we'll start with the ladies.

Jen, go get Hannah.
Shira, do something about your hair.

Kendra… you're perfection.

I know it!

Hannah, did you use my makeup?

Yeah, we're taking selfies.

Hannah made us into thirsty traps.

I already have 50 followers,
and I can get more.

I just need to be better at contouring.
But I can be better.

-Avi!
-I'll talk to Mom soon.

Would you look at that?
It just turned soon.

Oh, finally. Where are the drugs?

Whoa, man. Maybe you are an addict,

because, first of all… Hello!

Yeah, hello. Give me drugs now.

Okay, so, I smoked some of the weed
to enjoy the ride here, right?

Then I got paranoid, so I took
some of the Percocets to chill out.

And then I got too chill,
so I did all of the cocaine,

and then I just took everything else
because, you know… Cocaine!

Danny, we need drugs!

It's my only chance
to keep my family from the truth.

Okay, you need to chill, bro.

You've got a very nervous vibe
for a wizard with galaxies for eyes.

Yes, you understand that I'm upset,
but do you understand why I'm upset?

This stupid dress is too tight.

My right boob yearns for freedom,
but my left is getting used to captivity

and might've forgotten
how to survive on the outside.

Avi's talking to your mom about the phone.

Maybe it'll soften her up about the dress.

You can tell her to take back
those god-awful shoes too.

These are mine.

I just thought the phone would be
a way to see Hannah once in a while.

-I know, but--
-I'm not complaining,

but I never see her.
It feels like you're punishing me.

No, I'm not punishing you!

For what, I can't imagine,
but I'm sure I deserve it.

That's your prerogative,
I'm not complaining.

-Dad, you understand why…
-Is it true?

-…you can't give Hannah a phone, right?
-Are we terrible, ruining Hannah's life?

Yeah, I'm gonna go call
the hot tub manufacturer.

-Avi, I'm old and lonely.
-You're not old!

Seeing my grandchildren
is the only thing that brings me joy,

but if it bothers Jen,

-I'll tear the phone out of Hannah's hand.
-It's me.

I'll be the bad guy.
She'll hate me for the rest of my life,

but how many years do I have left anyways?

You're in your sixties!

I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.
You don't know.

In this scenario, am I driving the bus?

Make way for Danny, the uncanny!

You think this laundry detergent
could pass for cocaine?

One way to find out.

-Ah, Danny!
-What up?

Avi, Avi, did your mom agree
to take back phone?

Did she apologize? Did she say,

"Jen is right and I am wrong
and now this is settled forever"?

Uh, hey, Yoshi's been in the bathroom
a long time.

-You're right, Avi.
-I'm getting another drink.

Yoshi, you've been in there long enough.

We need you for photos

and also for getting intervened.

[Yoshi] Sorry, Mom. I'm busy doing drugs.

Drugs?! Yoshi, I'm coming in.

No, Danny, go! Now!

Oh no. I'm a caterpillar.

Avi, help me break the door.

-[Danny] Whee!
-Please! Get out!

[straining] Oh!

Okay, you caught me. I do dank…

-Oh no!
-…crank, purple drank, sticky-icky oo-wee,

-some of that good-good.
-What?

White girl, disco biscuit,
zippy-zap, Mexican hellos,

Starship Who Am I?, gorilla butt,
noodly-doodly-doodly-doos, and meth.

-Meth?
-Gorilla butt?

Oy, and I don't say this lightly, Gevalt!

But you can throw out these bad boys
because thanks to your intervention,

I'm done with drugs forever.
No further questions.

I had no idea
you had such a serious problem.

Then why are we here?

I just thought he was drinking too much
and some tough talk would fix him up.

I really only did it because everyone's
coming for our anniversary anyway.

We came for the intervention!

Yeah, but I'm sober now, so… goodbye.

Oh no. I am not
letting you out of my sight again.

We're taking you back to Mountain View.

You'll live at home
until you're all better.

Yes, but I am all better.

That's exactly what people say
when they're not all better.

Okay, fine! You got me. I'm not an addict.

And I never was.

-[gasping]
-Ah!

Oh, Shira!

[sighs] The truth is…

[tense music rising]

I'm…

Orthodox now.

-[all gasping]
-[mystical tune plays]

That's so much worse!

Wait, wait, wait, like old-world Orthodox?

Like Cousin Moishe with the hat
and the twirlies and the "yeidel-deidel"?

No, no, not like Cousin Moishe.

I'm Modern Orthodox. I'm still me.

All those rules? I can't imagine letting
myself be ordered around like that.

Shira, go wash off that stain.

Ugh, fine.

That's why I didn't call
on your anniversary.

It was Shabbat, and the wine you brought,
it wasn't kosher, so I poured it out.

When you saw me sneaking out,

I was going to shul
because I needed a minyan.

[drunkenly] Oh, I love the minions!

They're so friggin' cute. I need one too.

How could this have happened?

-It just happened.
-"Bello." "Banana."

Danny started dating this Orthodox girl,

so I started going to services
with them, and it clicked.

It clicked? What's "clicked"?

I don't… It just…

[sighs] I have felt lost for so long,

and I don't feel lost anymore.

If I have a question about what to do
or how to be,

I have a place to look for answers,
and I can ask the rabbi.

Why would you need a rabbi?

-That's what a mother is for!
-I don't understand why you're upset.

Would you rather I be like Avi?
Not Jewish at all?

No, of course
I don't want you to be like Avi.

-[stammering]
-It happened the same way for me.

Dipped my toe into Jewish
and fell in love with it.

Sure, but you converted
to normal people Jewish,

-not like the weird Jews like Yoshi.
-They're not weird.

It's all weird. Some have one eye.
Some wear overalls.

Sorry, Jews?

Minions. Oh!

Ugh, what happened to all the detergent?

Come on, I can't even see.

-[garbage disposal whirring]
-Ah! [straining]

[exciting, comedic music playing]

Ah! Ow!

[screaming]

It's French for "I accuse."
Know what? Never mind.

Yes, of course I ran the diagnostics
on the filtration valve.

What do you mean, overheated?
It's a hot tub.

Naomi, there's no one right way
to be Jewish.

But there is!

A progressive, egalitarian,
conservative Judaism

with an emphasis on ritual and community
over faith and blind practice.

That's literally the only way
it makes sense.

I figured it out, and I gave it
to my children because I love them,

but they reject it
because they want to reject me!

[sighs] Mom, not everything is about you.

[gasps] That is the meanest thing
you could possibly say to me!

[Shira] Guys?

-[Kendra] Oh no, Shira!
-Oh no! My poor dress.

You can't bring that octopus in here.
Yoshi's orthodox now.

-Gentle! They're smart. Stop wincing.
-My hair! It's getting into my brain!

I'm gonna become an octopus!

[Avi sighs]

So, who's ready for dessert?

So you can't drink any of this wine?

What if you drank it
through a hole in a sheet?

-Uh…
-Ta-da!

I made your favorite.
Vanilla ice cream cake.

-My three least favorite musical acts.
-Mom, it looks delicious,

but you know I can't eat it.

Yoshi, it's kosher. I made it myself.

All the ingredients are kosher.

I'm kosher.
You want I should give it a bris?

Mom, you made it in a non-kosher kitchen.

-But it's okay if we're on vacation.
-[sighs]

But not… for me, it isn't.

Yoshi, just eat the cake.

-I can't eat it.
-Of course you can.

-He doesn't want to eat it.
-You're gonna eat.

-Okay. This is ridiculous.
-[Naomi] Eat the cake.

-Why are you trying to hurt me?
-Mom!

Be a good boy, eat your mother's cake!

-What in the Ike Turner!
-Mom! No!

Blech!

I'm sorry, God! I didn't want to do it!

Mom, stop!

If he doesn't want to eat the cake,
he doesn't have to eat the cake.

-I just thought--
-I know what you thought, okay?

It's what you always think.
We're never the right amount for you.

So you gotta push and nudge
and adjust and correct.

Look at me.
I have a good job. Two wonderful kids.

A smoking hot wife?

A smoking hot wife!

But all you see is clothes you don't like.
You don't know how to just love us.

"Just love." You think love is passive.

You just sit there and love.

No. I push you because I love you.

You push us away. Right, Avi?

Boy, yeah! Things are being said.
That's for sure.

-Thanks a lot.
-See?

-Even Avi thinks you're being hysterical.
-Profile in courage.

He would tell me
if I were in the wrong. Right, Avi?

It's like with Hannah's phone.

I know Jen wants you to not like it,
but you understand.

[tense music rising]

-Mom, no! I don't understand you at all.
-What?

The dress. The phone. This whole night.

You had to trick us
into having a dinner with you.

Why? What does that say
about you as a mother?

Okay, Avi, that's a little…

And then Yoshi
tries to be honest with you,

and you just steamroll him because
everything has to be about you.

I swear to God, you're like an octopus.

You're smothering us in your arms
and just sucking and sucking and sucking!

[panting]

[sighs]

I never knew that
my own children felt so strongly.

Excuse me.

What the hell, Avi?

Too much?
I… I could feel it was a little much.

-A little much.
-You did call your mother a mollusk.

I liked it.

Great news. Someone fixed the hot tub.

Hey, I know we were all upset
about the hot tub, but it's working now.

Okay, what's going on?
Is this about Hannah's phone?

She doesn't need a phone.
She just likes taking pictures.

Hannah, come tell your parents
what we did.

Grandpa and I did a trade!

I gave him the phone back
and he gave me his fancy camera. Look!

-[camera clicking]
-[giggling]

h*-h*, son of a b*tch.
The old b*stard did it.

I should go home.

Yoshi, you don't need to leave.

Mom will come around.

When has Mom changed her mind
about anything?

She's not gonna accept me,
and I'm not gonna stop being Orthodox.

Orthodox?

-Oh my God, not again.
-Did you miss all of it?

Wait, Jewish Orthodox
or, like, Greek Orthodox?

-Ugh.
-Jewish.

Oh, okay. Well, that's not so bad.

Wait, does that mean
you follow all the commandments?

I try.

Well, isn't there one about
honoring your mother and father, hm?

So if your father spent all evening
getting the hot tub working,

a good way to honor him would be…

[sighs]

I'll get my swimsuit.

[melancholy tune plays]

Can I come in?

Careful, I might spray you with ink.

I'm, uh. I'm sorry I blew up at you.
I didn't mean it.

Why lie now?

Okay, I meant it,
but I shouldn't have said it that way.

I'm a horrible mother.
All my children hate me.

We don't hate you. Of course we…

You know.

But you can be very…

exacting.

You mean critical.

Do you remember Hannah's baby naming?

-We played that Goo Goo Dolls song.
-How could I forget?

-You didn't have any Hebrew.
-And there it is. No Hebrew.

-God forbid you don't play Goo Goo Dolls.
-The reason we did it was for you.

-For me? No, that was not for me.
-I invited all the relatives,

gave Hannah a Jewish name
after your mother.

But you still complained
we didn't do it right.

I decided, what's the point of any of this
if it's never gonna be enough for you?

It would be enough if you did it right.
So what? I should just be quiet?

Or you could ask, "What does
this Goo Goo Dolls song mean to you?"

And we could have a conversation.

What did the song mean to you?

Nothing. Just, it was a baby naming,

and the song is called "Name,"
and I thought it would be funny.

Oh, it was funny.

Well, good conversation.

Can't wait to see what jokes
you've planned for Hannah's bat mitzvah.

Uh, Mom, Hannah's not…

[sighs, inhales sharply]

I want to have
a better relationship with you.

But something has to change.

[melancholy music playing]

Tell me about your shul.

What… What do you care?

I want to know.

Uh…

[clears throat]

It's a good shul.

Everyone knows each other.

Maybe it gets
a little chilly in the evening.

You don't wear the nice sweater I got you?

It kind of shrunk in the dryer.

Yoshi, did you read the label?

It just said "large."
Which is no longer true.

The other label
with the washing instructions.

There are two labels?

I'll show you.

You'll like it.
It's full of codes and symbols.

Like the Torah.

That does sound kind of fun.

Thanks, Mom.

["If You Got a Problem"
by Susanna Hoffs playing]

Would you call this hot?

Eh, warm at best.

Don't tell your father.

♪ If you got a problem ♪

♪ I got a problem too ♪

♪ If you're standin' at the bottom ♪

♪ I'll reach out for you ♪

♪ If you need someone to lean on
Baby, I can be strong ♪

♪ If you got a problem ♪

♪ I got a problem too ♪

♪ If you got a problem ♪

♪ I'll reach out for you ♪

♪ If you got a problem ♪

♪ I got a problem too ♪

♪ If you got a problem ♪

♪ I'll reach out for you ♪