01x10 - Uncle Barry

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat accordion music playing]

Pizza's amazing. I can't believe
you're gonna leave New York.

I can't be in this big, expensive house
since I lost my Sylvia.

Aw…

And technically, I'm not supposed to
practice law in New York anymore.

-What do you mean, "not supposed to"?
-Eh, it's a gray area.

Anyway, I can't take
all this stuff to Vegas.

I wanted to give you first dibs
before your sisters swoop in.

This stationery is still good.

Just cross off her name and address
and put yours.

Avi, for your lecture notes.

I'll probably just use a notebook.

But this paper already belongs to us.

You want I should ship it for you?

Half would break in transit.

What would I do
with half the glasses missing?

You could view the glass set as half full.

I could never.

What do you think, Avi?

Oh yeah, my dorm room could really use
an antique three-piece vanity.

-Like it k*ll you to look in the mirror?
-Just take the vanity!

-I don't want it!
-[sighs]

Hm.

Oh…

-[gasping]
-[magical music playing]

[Sylvia] Hmm.

[sobbing]

[laughing happily]

Can I have this brooch?

It was my mother's.

Nah, I want to keep that.

["Long Story Short
Main Title Theme" playing]

[music ends]

[Hannah] The clothes are designed
to fall apart. Plus they're tacky.

It's giving ungapatchka.

Ungapatchka?

It means garish.

No, I know ungapatchka.
Why do you know ungapatchka?

My "For You" page gives me
Yiddish word of the day.

It's fun. Yiddish is camp.

-Yiddish is camp?
-I didn't mean "camp."

Who could forget the B-52's rendition
of "Oyfn Pripetshik"?

-I meant old but cool.
-So camp!

Okay, such a nudnik.

-Jesus.
-"Kitsch" is the word you're looking for.

Jews don't do camp,
unless it's sleepaway camp.

-Or concentration--
-Bus!

Okay, have a good day
with the other kinderlach.

-[phone dinging]
-Oh, hello! Who died?

That's not the only reason I call.

That's the bit. It wouldn't be funny
if someone actually died.

The good news is
we can retire that bit now…

-[Avi] Oh no!
-…'cause Uncle Barry died.

Was that "oh no" for Uncle Barry
or your "who died" bit?

What happened?

What happened is
Uncle Barry was a million years old

and he ate steaks like Tic Tacs.

Funeral's on Friday in Vegas.

-You gonna go?
-You kidding?

Not a single one of the Kleins
showed up when Mom died.

I'm amazed at your ability to keep score.

That whole year was a blur for me.


You got divorced.

-Mom got the novel coronavirus.
-[Avi] No, I got it.

Everyone else got into
sea shanties and sourdough.

We had a Zoom shiva, and
the Kleins couldn't even click the link.

If you're not going,
then I don't have to go.

-Mommy! My masterpieces!
-Ah!

I think we should go,
but I should be careful

because the last time I went to Vegas,
I lost a lot of money.

There's not gonna be gambling
at the funeral.

Just stay out of the casinos.

Look, Vegas turns me into a crazy person.

So you don't want to go?
Why did you just say we should go?

Well, I meant "we" like you.

Well, if you're all going, I want to go.

I don't think any of us are going.

When's the last time
we were in the same place?

Mom's funeral? No, you know what?
The unveiling.

Yeah, that was it.

It'd be nice to get together
under less sad circumstances.

Not that I'm not sad about Uncle Barry,
but, you know, certainly less sad.

Ha! You call that a pitch?

I wasn't pitching, just thinking out loud.

Come on! Let's go!

All right, you talked me into it.

What are the odds I lose
money in Vegas twice in a row?

Bet you 50 bucks I won't.

-If you want to go, we can go.
-No, I don't want to.

Okay, you just keep bringing it up.

How come Uncle Barry gets a real funeral

-while we had to cry into our laptops?
-I can't eat beans, they're still alive.

Zap, okay, I k*lled them.

It's not the Kleins' fault.
It's not like none of them showed.

None of them, Kendra.

What about Joni Klein? You complained
all week because she was eating--

[gasping] Corn on the cob during
the eulogies. How could I forget?

Joni Klein and her corn,

doing the typewriter
like some kind of Looney Tune.

I can't eat corn
because I'm allergic to yellow.

Yeah, me neither!

Hold on. Are you suggesting
we go to Uncle Barry's funeral

and I bring a corn on the cob
just to teach Joni Klein a lesson?

-No.
-Oh yeah! No, of course…

I would never.

But could you imagine?
I mean, she would feel so bad.

[laughing] It's her
grandfather's funeral, babe.

She'll already be feeling bad.

But I want her to feel bad
for the right reasons.

Otherwise, why even go?

Oh, Avi, I'm so sorry.

I know how much your Uncle Barry…

was.

I'm probably not gonna go to the funeral,

but if I do, you think we could
switch days this week?

Oh no. Avi, I'm actually in Big Sur.

-What? Why are you in Big Sur?
-[Jen] I can't.

I don't know. Because it's beautiful.

Why are you, I assume,
in your house you never leave?

Okay, fair. It just seems like
a weird place to be going by yourself.

You're not by yourself.

[inhales] I was going to tell you.

No, no, no. It's none of my…

It's fine.

I know it's fine. I don't need you
to give me permission.

Of course. Does Hannah know?

I'll tell her if it gets serious.

-It's not serious?
-Avi.

-Okay!
-I'm sorry I can't take Hannah.

Why don't you take her with you?

I mean, I'm probably not even going.

I'd have to leave my house.

[sucks teeth]

[sighs]

How am I related to Barry again?

He was the, um, widower of
your grandmother's mother's sister.

Your great-great-uncle through marriage.

You always hear how special
the great-great-uncle through marriage,

great-great-niece through marriage
relationship is,

but you don't really appreciate it
until it's gone.

-Sad, really.
-Are you going to the funeral?

I could stay with Mom.

No, she's in Big Sur.

Mom went to Big Sur?

Oh, uh…

-Uh…
-By herself?

Why wouldn't she take me?
I'm a pleasure to be around.

No. She wanted to go with you.
That was the plan.

She actually asked if I would
switch days with her, and I said no.

-Why?
-Because I thought

it was really important
that we go to this funeral together.

Really?

Yeah, it'll be nice.

[big band music playing]

-[music ends]
-[soft crying]

This sucks, man.

Barry Klein was a good lawyer,

but an even better friend.

As a lawyer, he would always say,
"Deny, deny, deny."

But as a friend offering marital advice,
he would say,

"Deny, deny, deny."

[all laughing]

[coughing]

But there's one thing I cannot deny.

Barry, you are dead now.

[dramatic sobbing]

I'm going to, uh…
I'm going to go get a vanilla latte.

-Anyone else want one?
-You're not gonna gamble, are you?

What are the chances that I'd do
something that rude at a funeral?

Three to one? Wanna take those odds? No?

-Your funeral. Excuse me.
-[sobbing continues]

Hannah, if you're looking for ungapatchka,
check out Uncle Barry's girlfriend.

[Elliott] I don't know which is louder,
the sobbing or the outfit.

You boys doing okay?

I want to be
a white-collar defense attorney.

I want to be a undertaker.

Good news. Our sons will take care of us
when we're old and/or dead.

-Wait. When did you get that purse?
-Oh, this old thing?

Hmm. Do you have
a corn on the cob in there?

Why would you ask that?

I want you to tell me you do not have
corn in that purse right now.

I don't think
we need to get into specifics…

Did you, between yesterday and today,
purchase a large purse

specifically so you could fit
a corn on the cob…

There are a lot of accusations
flying around.

This morning, when you told me
you needed to "get some air,"

did you go to a restaurant
and order a corn on the cob?

I got the corn on the cob DoorDashed.

You better not bust out that corn
on the cob in the middle of this service.

Obviously I'm not going to do that.

Okay, thank you.

-But at the shiva…
-[groans]

Thank you. Oh!

Oops. Huh. Okay, excuse me.

Sorry. Uh, sorry.
Just trying to get my quarter.

-[machines whirring]
-[upbeat music playing]

-Ooh.
-[dinging]

[gasping]

Whoa! Whoa-h*-h*-h*! Okay!

-[gasping]
-[meows]

Is that a cat?

-Get out of here, you scamp.
-[meows]

Where are you going?

-[upbeat music continues]
-[meows]

[giggling]

-[women laughing]
-Ha!

That's odd. There's a cat.
Anybody else see that cat?

-[tiger growling]
-Wow.

Get… Get… Get back over here.

I'm going to get you.

Cat! Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.

Where are you going, you scamp?

-Wow!
-[cat meows]

I missed the whole funeral?

And the burial.

I guess I just got distracted, and--

-Was the latte good at least?
-Aw, man!

Want a ride to the shiva?

I think I'm gonna go back to LA.

-Are you serious?
-What?!

[sighs] I think I was avoiding the funeral

because I'm not ready
for a new person to be dead.

I'm sorry.
I know that's selfish, but, like,

I didn't have enough time.

-[melancholy music playing]
-I thought I did, but I'm not ready.

It's okay, Yoshi.

[Yoshi] Besides, it's Friday,
and I kind of wanna be

back home with my own people for Shabbat.

I should go now
if I'm gonna make it before sundown.

-All right.
-Call me when you get home.

Oh.

[sobbing loudly]

Nobody has ever felt the pain
that I am feeling right now!

I know, Vivian.

The rabbi gave me a little ribbon to tear
so I wouldn't tear my clothes.

Feh. I don't need a ribbon.

I'll tear my clothes. That's how sad I am.

-You tore this dress?
-Darling, this is a Donna Karan.

I'll go upstairs later.
I'll find something to tear.

But I want to show you this.

-This was a gift from my Barry.
-[gasps] What?

I'm gonna keep it close to my left breast.
That was one of Barry's favorites.

-[gasps]
-[dramatic stinger]

Oh my God! It's Bubbe's butterfly brooch!
Barry gave it to Vivian. You believe it?

-Believe it? I can barely follow it.
-The brooch! It was Bubbe's!

After she died,
Mom wanted it and never got it.

It's our family's brooch!

So you want to ask Vivian for it?

She's grieving.
This isn't the time to ask for anything.

-We should take it without her knowing.
-Avi.

It's on her dress! If we could
get her to take the dress off--

Are you suggesting one of us
seduces Uncle Barry's girlfriend?

I could spill some wine on her.

And I could wait in the closet

and grab the brooch off the dress
after she changes.

Yes! Wait.
Is you hiding in an old lady's closet

-sort of problematic?
-Right.

Not to mention a 12-year-old
walking around with wine.

-You do the closet, I'll spill the drink!
-Switch the hiding and spilling.

-Let's do this.
-Perfect! I don't approve,

but I like to be included.

Go Schwoopers!

[pump-up tune plays]

Shira, it means so much
that you came out for this.

Joni, we're family.

In fact, I brought something.
It's a little corny.

I know he had a full, long life,

but it still feels like
things were cut short, you know?

[sighs] I know.
It never feels like enough.

But specifically with my grandpa.

Your grandparents died young.
You probably don't remember them.

It almost hurts more
because he lived so long.

Mm-hm.

Hey, I wanted to give you this.

-You can put that on the table.
-Well, it's for you,

'cause you love corn on the cob so much.

-I know how it comforts you.
-What are you talking about?

-I don't love corn on the cob.
-That's weird. Really?

Because you were chowing down on it
at my mom's funeral.

What? No, I wasn't.

You ate the corn, Joni. Everyone saw.

-You'd make an accusation--
-Whipped it out like Jeffrey Toobin.

Today of all days? I have to go.

-Go eat some corn.
-No!

So, did that go about how you imagined it?

I'm still 80% sure she ate the corn.

Why would you do any of that
if you weren't 100% sure?

-[Vivian] Oh God!
-Oh! I'm so sorry.

It's okay. I'll change.

Yes, great idea.

-[clearing throat]
-It's just a Donna Karan original.

-[clearing throat]
-Okay.

[tense music playing]

Oh gosh.

[sighs] Come on, come on, come on.

-[yowling]
-Ow! What the--

-[tires screeching]
-Ah!

[sighs]

[gasping]

[stifling a sneeze]

[straining]

Shoes!

-[gasping]
-[gasping]

What are you doing here?

[whimpers]

I miss him! [sobbing]

Oh, sweetheart.

You're in Yermo? Where is that?

-[Yoshi] Halfway to LA? I busted a tire.
-Oy.

There's no way
I'll make it home before sundown,

so I'm just gonna camp out here
until after Shabbat.

Oh no. Yoshi.

No, it's fine. Look,
I checked into the Yermotel.

I've got plenty of food, a book to read.
I've got a new cat, and…

Oh, uh-oh. The cat just ate my food
and threw up in my book,

so, okay, I gotta go.

I don't feel good about him
being out there by himself.

What can he do? He won't drive on Shabbat.

We could drive to him. Do a family
Shabbat together in the desert.

-Yeah…
-What happened? You get it?

It's still upstairs,
but Vivian and I, like, kind of bonded.

No one talks about that relationship with

your great-great-uncle-
through-marriage's-widowed-girlfriend.

We should get going if we're gonna go.

But we're so close to getting that brooch!

Mom would want us to get that brooch.

Yeah, and she would want me to go through
all the family photos in this house

to find evidence
of Joni Klein eating corn,

which I will find,
so that I could throw it in her smug face.

So you're trying to steal jewels
from an old lady,

and something about corn
that I don't quite follow,

while your brother is
wandering the desert alone.

[sighs]

Yeah. What are we doing?
Let's go do Shabbat with Yoshi.

No, we're all here. He left.

Okay? I don't want to do Shabbat!

We did it every week.
I never got the appeal.

We know, Avi.

None of it works. I did the mourner's
kaddish when Mom died.

I covered the mirrors.
I ripped the little ribbon.

I did all the stuff!

And it just felt like
I was doing a bunch of stuff.

What's the point?

So now I'm trying to get her brooch,
which I know she would have wanted.

Avi, what Mom would want
is for us to be together.

[stammers]

[somber music playing]

[sighs]

[laughing] Okay, easy there, buddy.

-You can't drive, you maniac.
-[purring]

Sorry that I called you a maniac.
I was being too jocular.

-[knock on door]
-Huh?

Surprise!

No one told me we were yelling surprise.
I didn't know.

Oh, my God. Come in. Come in.

And who is this?

This is my wife.

[whispering] We're not allowed
to have pets in the motel room.

Uncle Yoshi! We're going to make Shabbat!

Show him! Show him!

Okay, so we stopped at 7-Eleven.
For the kiddush, we found grape soda.

They were out of challah,
but we got Hawaiian rolls,

because what is aloha
if not a tropical shalom?

-Ta-da!
-Very nice.

They didn't have any kippahs,
so instead I got hats.

I picked out the candles.
Locally sourced beeswax, baby.

And we got these candlesticks
from the Judaica store in Barstow,

which we probably
should have gone to first.

Oh wow. But we can't light candles.
It's already dark out.

It's dark-ish.

We came all this way for you.
We can't light the candles? It's Shabbat.

You light the candles before Shabbat.
That's why you do it right at sundown.

Fine, we won't have candles.

-We'll just go right to the kiddush.
-It's not Shabbat unless we do candles!

-How 'bout pretend candles?
-What are you talking about?

-It has to be real for Shabbat!
-Okay! Hey, everyone's a stickler.

What if I light the candles?
Would that be okay?

Yeah, like a Shabbos goy.

Yeah, but she's not a goy. I can't let her
break Shabbat to make Shabbat for me.

-It's not for you.
-Why are you here if not for me?

-You can't fool Hashem.
-You think Hashem's paying attention?

It's his day off. He's probably
getting drunk at a Margaritaville.

Why follow the rules
if you're not gonna follow the rules?

-I'm a goy. I can light the candles.
-Hannah, you don't have to.

I'm the only person here who's not Jewish.

That's a loophole, right?

Okay. Okay, yes.
It's okay if Hannah lights the candles.

But it can't be for me.
It has to be for her.

-We get it.
-I am doing it for me.

I'm minding my own beeswax.

Um…

Isn't there a blessing
I'm supposed to utilize?

You do the blessing after.

[gentle guitar music playing]

Okay, and you go like this.

Why? What does that mean?

Well, I don't know. But you go like this.

[sighs deeply]

Baruch attah adonai…

[Hannah and Naomi repeating]

Eloheinu melech ha-olam…

[repeating]

Asher kidshanu b’mitzvotav vitzivanu…

[Hannah and Naomi repeating]

L’hadlik ner shel Shabbat.

[repeating]

[all] Amen.

[softly] Hm.

Amen.

[all laughing]

Wait, stop, stop, stop. Okay.
You have to tell this story.

So your mother was eating lunch.

And he fell through the ceiling?

Yeah, he was in the attic,
and his legs fell through!

[Barry yelling]

So they're dangling over
the dining room like a chandelier.

[Barry] Son of a…

So your mother, your grandmother--

Wait, why was Mom alone
at Uncle Barry's house?

-That's the story. I never asked.
-Where was Aunt Sylvia? Or Bubbe?

It was her and Uncle Barry. Uncle Barry's
legs fell through the ceiling.

No, it just seems kind of weird.

Everyone else went to the store.

-Who cares?
-But the nail polish…

Right, thank you. So instead of
helping Uncle Barry get unstuck,

she painted his toenails.

-[Barry] What are you doing? Stop!
-Stop squirming. I'm making you pretty.

[all laughing]

Okay, okay, okay.
I have an Uncle Barry question.

Isn't he where the "schnook is entitled"
thing comes from?

-That's from something?
-My God, that's right!

You don't remember?
It was Bubbe's funeral.

It was the shiva.

Yes, and someone asked Uncle Barry
about one of his shady clients.

-What client?
-He had so many shady clients.

The bank guy, the insurance guy,
there was a mob guy.

[Avi] It was Aunt Carol's boyfriend, Toby.

-The client?
-[Shira] Yes!

No, the guy
who asked Uncle Barry about it.

Yes, they're mourning amidst the kugel,
and Toby goes--

Barry, how can you represent that guy?

Oh, it's very easy.
He pays me money, and I work for him.

-Toby can't keep well enough alone.
-So classic Toby.

But I see him on the news.

Every time he opens his mouth,
you can tell he's a schnook.

He may be a schnook,
but that doesn't mean that he's a crook.

Wait, but he also--

And then he gets very self-righteous,
you know, up on his soapbox.

After all, is not a schnook entitled
to a presumption of innocence?

So, of course, the bits start immediately.

Hold on. Just to set the scene,
it was a very emotional day.

I think everyone needed a break.

Excuse me, is not a schnook entitled
to a little schmear for his bagel?

[all laughing]

Can I sit in this chair?
Or is a schnook not entitled?

[all laughing]

Excuse me, you laugh,
but a schnook is entitled.

[Shira] Which, of course,
made everyone laugh even more.

Wait a minute,
is that when Mom threw the plate?

[shattering]

Grandma threw a plate?

No, that was Passover.

No, it was the shiva
because of Uncle Barry.

No, you're both right.
She did throw a plate at the shiva,

and she also threw a plate
at Passover one year.

Why did she throw a plate?

-[shattering]
-[gasping]

Why are you laughing?

Why are you all laughing?

My mother is dead!

Nobody should be laughing.

Naomi, I think Annie
would want us to be happy.

No, she wouldn't.

She would want us to be sad
because she's dead.

She would want us to be sad about that.

I think Mom would appreciate the irony

that we're all laughing
at Uncle Barry's shiva.

We're not even at his shiva.

Well, she'd like that
we're talking about her.

[chuckles softly]

Yeah, but she'd be sad
that she's missing it.

I'm sad we never got to do this for her.

Everything was so hectic.

She never got a real memorial.

We could always still do a memorial.

I think we are the memorial.

[Avi] Mm.

[melancholy music playing]

We need happy reasons to be together.

It can't just be funerals and shivas
and grave unveilings.

-[music fades out]
-[Hannah sighs]

I want to tell you something,
but I don't want you to be mad.

Yeah, loving this already.

I've been thinking about

what it would be like
if I had a bat mitzvah.

And, uh, what do you
think it would be like?

The whole family could come,
and I don't know…

You don't want me to.

Cannibal, I want you to do
what you want to do.

[sighs] But you think it's dumb.

I think a lot of things are dumb.

It's not about me.
If you want a bat mitzvah for you--

But like, am I even allowed?

What's allowed?

You think the Jew police
are going to burst into the synagogue

like Dustin Hoffman
at the end of The Graduate?

Ugh!

Did you just tell me
the end of The Graduate?

It came out 50 years ago. If you haven't
seen it by now, that's on you.

Hm.

But I'm not really Jewish, right?

I'm a loophole.

Uh, in certain contexts, but…

I don't think there's any one thing
that makes you Jewish or not Jewish.

You get stomach aches like a Jew.

You say "ungapatchka."
If you want a bat mitzvah…

You don't think
it's, like, cultural appropriation?

Uh, cultural approp…

Look, if Adolf Hitler saw you,
I don't think he'd be doing the math

on technically how
halachically Jewish you are.

He'd throw you in the oven
with the rest of us.

I mean, I guess?

So why shouldn't you get
the fun stuff too?

-I go by Hitler rules.
-[laughs]

If you're Jewish enough for Hitler,

-you're Jewish enough for me.
-Huh.

But was I Jewish enough for Grandma?

[sighs]

Hannah, your grandmother
thought you were perfect.

There's nothing about you
that wasn't enough for her.

[sighs]

Okay. Well, I'll keep thinking about it.

Bus.

Hey.

You know?

Yeah, I know. I love you too, Dad.

[sighs deeply]

["Always Find Me" by King Tuff playing]

[bus driving away]

♪ When I close my eyes
I’m going home ♪

♪ Green mountains and cloudy days
Are where I’m bound ♪

♪ I got my rooftops and old haunts ♪

♪ Townies out in the cold ♪

♪ All those legends and lost souls
Still hanging round ♪

♪ Sitting under the falling leaves
Wondering where I’ll go ♪

♪ I’ll be where the rivers meet ♪

♪ Looking for answers
That I’ll never know ♪

[music fades out]