01x05 - The Feminine Mistake

[bunniefuu]

The girl-to-guy ratio at farber
high is three to one.

So there are 130 girls that would
rather be alone than be with us?

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

I refuse to believe this.

I can't wait to start my own band.
I'll have my pick of groupies.

- I'd go with any girl.
- I'd start with any girl, then trade up.

I'd like to find a girl
with common interests.

A girl that's interested in girls?

Heads up.

Melinda Blaine has just entered
the building.

[ All Gasping )

- She has beautiful skin.
- Skin? Wyatt, take in the whole view.

If she didn't have a boyfriend,
I'd make her mine.

I heard she just broke up
with her boyfriend.

No way.

Go ahead, make her yours.

Maybe I will.

You'd better act fast.

Girls like that are never without
a boyfriend for less than a day.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

She's all alone man.

Just waiting.

- Come on, Gary.
- Come on, man.

Guys, have we learning nothing?

When she's in her I-hate-men phase.

You're asking for crash and burn.

[ Clucking like a Chicken )

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow, I'll ask her.

Who are we kidding, Gary?

Like we'll ever have a chance
with a girl as beautiful as Melinda.

Hi, guys. Got to have lunch.

I don't know why I put up with her.

- Probably the sex.
- Oh, that. Right.

- So did I interrupt a good time?
- Nope.

You interrupted an endless
conversation which leads nowhere

and accomplishes nothing.

- Ooh, what's wrong with him?
- Girls.

We talk about asking girls out
and talk about talking about

asking girls out but we never
ask girls out.

We're lame
We need help.

You want to know
how to ask girls out?

I'll tell you the secret.
Just do it.

Don't be intimidated.

Women are waiting for you
to ask them out.

Excuse me. You look like
a very nice person.

I was wondering if...

Forget it. I'm booked.

- You're not helping, Lisa.
- Okay, I'll try again.

Wyatt... you're smart funny,
handsome, sweet, and lovable.

Now do me.

Gary, you're...

unpredictable.

You have a... great sense of humor...

- and the sexiest blue eyes.
- Two of them.

You're right.
I'm certified chick bait.

That's more like it. Go.
Ask Melinda out.

Be confident. Confident.

Right.

Hi. I'm Gary and I think you would
be lucky to go out with me.

- What?
- Check me out.

I got a great sense of humor sexy
baby blues and I'm unpredictable.

You don't know what I'm going to say next.

How about "Good-bye"?

Nope. Not even close.

I'm telling you, Lisa set me up.

She's got a mean streak.

She said go over to Melinda and
be confident not act like an idiot.

It's a fine line.

How are you supposed
to understand women?

It's like they speak canadian.

I'd give anything to figure out
how to talk to her

and not sound like a complete idiot.

CHETT: Having girl trouble, girls?
Ah, don't be ashamed

- We're all ashamed for you.
- We don't need your help.

I have found that women
respond to flattery.

For instance, I'm driving my jeep.
I see something I like.

I roll down the window. I offer up
a compliment like, "Nice butt."

Or, "I'd pay good money
for a girl like you."

Makes them feel real sexy.
Oh, they may act angry yell back,

flip you off slap you with a
restraining order forbidding

you from coming within 500 yards
of them of their stupid cat!

But... it's all part of that
little game they call romance.

When you're done yelling at them
how do you talk to them?

Geez, you don't talk to women
you touch women.

You talk to guys.

What is the matter with you?

Now, one last secret.

Percentages.

Ask out every chick you see.
Sooner or later, you get lucky.

It's a number game.
Leave no stone unturned.

Any questions?

My work here is done.

LISA: Good morning.

- You guys want a ride to school?
- I don't think so.

It does 120 in second gear.

Hop in.

- I'd rather take the bus.
- You still torqued about Melinda?

Look, we made you
to teach us about women.

So far, we haven't learned Jack.

Gary, ease up.
Maybe she just doesn't know, okay?

Oh, I know. I don't think
you could handle it.

I'll let you know what I can handle.

I made you, and now
I'm commanding you.

- Oh, now you're commanding me?
- Yes.

I'm commanding you. Teach us everything
there is to know about women now.

Oh, yes, master.
I am but a simple genie.

- Your wish is my command.
- We're dead.

- What did you do?
- You'll see.

So, you feel like
you understand women now?

Nope. You?

No. I don't feel different at all.

She's all talk.

Hey, I should wear this shirt every day.

I don't think it's the shirt.

Is your portal ajar?

Nope. Airtight.

Then why is everyone
looking at us funny?

Check it out.

I'm in heaven!

Hi.

How are you doing? I'm Ned.

- This is Mike.
- That's nice.

So... what's going on?

- You two, uh... new here?
- No.

You need some help finding a class?

No. Why would we need help?

Okay.
Maybe we'll see you around then.

Yeah, whatever.

- What was that?
- Got to be the shirt.

[ Whistling )

- What?
- Look at this.

- Hey, they're cute.
- They're us!

[ Screaming )

Be cool. We don't want
to draw attention.

Oh, my God, we're girls. Gary,
do I look like a girl to you?

No. Do I look like a girl to you?

- No.
- I couldn't stay away.

- I think we look like girls to him.
- Uh, we were just leaving.

Hey, what's the hurry?
I just got here.

Sorry. We got to run.

Mmm.

Shake that cake.

Hey... no running in the halls, girls.

Haven't you heard the new rule?

You got to stop and talk to me.

Normally, we'd loved to,
but we really got to run.

I've got football practice after school.
Maybe you'd like to watch.

Uh... maybe.

Did you just make a date with
a football player for after school.

I said "maybe."
What are we going to do?

Hide!

Hey, girls.

Forgot to put my makeup on.

Do you have a compact, Wy...

Nova?

Sorry, Gar... Uh... iette.

I left it in that... thing girls
use to put makeup in.

I guess we'll just stand here
and tease out bangs.

Look at us. We're...
we're... we're... babes.

Total, hot babes.

I told you never to get Lisa angry.

Look what she did.

We got to come up with...

Gary, you can't... feel anything?

No. It's just an optical illusion.

- Lisa, look at us.
- Ooh, you look kind of cute.

It isn't funny. This time
you've definitely lost it.

Look, you're the one who wanted to

know everything there is
to know about girls.

- I believe that was your command.
- That wasn't my command.

Why am I the one
who's being punished?

He's your friend.

An opportunity what better
way to explore the world of women?

Take advantage of it.

She's got a point.

Do you think these
will show up on film?

WYATT: Gary...

Wow.

- Well, have fun, girls.
- Oh, great. Great.

She's gone.

I have beautiful skin.

I don't know.
Maybe this isn't so awful.

We could use this experience
to get an insight

into how girl's minds operate.

Observe the way they interact
in their own environment.

Exactly what I was thinking.

I could do this for
the rest of my life.

Hey, looking for a place to sit?

Uh, no, thanks.

I feel like the meat loaf special.

Hey, there's Matt and Rog.

Let's give them a thrill.

If a girl likes you as a friend
she will never think of you

as anything but a friend.

No, this is different. We started
out as friends and then...

- Hi.
- Hi. Mind if we sit here?

Let's get straight to it.

We know how hard it is
for a guy to walk up

to a girl and talk to her.

So we thought just this once,
we'd make the first move.

You don't have to impress us.
We already like you.

That's right.
We like guys other girl overlook

the type of guys who are into
computer repairs and comic books

guys who don't get caught up
in fads like exercise.

Or fashion.

Or personal hygiene.

What do you say?

Do you want to go steady?

Man, they turned to stone.

Are we that pathetic with girls?

Hey. Babe. I can't believe you
gave him your phone number.

- It got rid of him, didn't it?
- Besides, it wasn't my real number.

You didn't give him your real number?

I hate it when girls do that.

He was so nice to you.

Now what are we going to do?

I'm starved.

Got any money?

Yeah, at home.

But I can't show up looking like this.

My parents wouldn't
exactly understand.

I've got to eat soon.

Whoa!

Double your pleasure!

Double my fun!

Aw, man, your brother's
hitting on us.

Don't look at him.

Mm-hmm. You got a butt
like a french model.

Want to go do something?

Hang out?

Maybe get something to eat?

Are you buying?

You bet.

You've lost your mind.

A girl's got to eat.

Oh, man.

Anybody ever tell you two
you make a lovely foursome?

[ Laughing )

Hey, I like a girl who's not
afraid to eat like a guy.

I don't know what's with this one.

My name's Wynona.

How about a brownie?

Oh, anything you want, honey.

And some more soda.

It's yours.

Can I have a soda?

I'm telling you, Wy,
girls have it made.

- Some girls.
- What's your problem, Wynona?

You've been too busy being
belle of the ball to notice

I'm not having a very good time.

He acts like I'm not even here.

Let me play this back for you.

You're saying, you're upset
because your brother

finds me more attractive than you?

You're right. It's sick.

I just wish I were blonde.

Where's my brownie?

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

No! No, it can't be.

Chett's picking up on Melinda.
My Melinda

- And she's eating our brownie.
- Will you forget about the stupid brownie.

The woman of my dreams
needs my protection.

What are you going to do,
whale on him with your pumps?

No.

I'm going to throw a hissy fit.

Melinda... sounds like
an exotic dancer's name.

Have I ever seen you
at skinny dippers?

- I think so.
- Excuse me.

Who do you think you are,
treating me like this?

Do you think I'm some
dog toy you can just toss

to the side when you
get tired of me?

Whoa, Whoa. Slow down, blue eyes.

I will not slow down!
I thought I meant something to you.

Did you think it wasn't going to hurt?

Well, it does hurt. It hurts bad.

I'm sorry, fellow girl.

you won't let this butch jerk
do to you what he did to me.

I think somebody needs
to take her midol.

- Having fun?
- Not as much fun as gariette.

Everybody treats me
like the ugly stepsister.

Oh, you're just being
hard on yourself.

You know what they say-- love
strikes when you least expect it.

Huh?

Hey, Babe.

- Oh, no.
- Missed you at football practice.

Sorry about that.

And you know your answering
machine tells the time and temperature?

Can I buy you a... cheesecake?

I hate you. I hate you!

- I think you'd better leave.
- I will.

But rust, let me clear one thing up...

she means nothing to me.

But you have butt like a french model.

I hate guys like that.

Why did you go out with him?

- I was hungry.
- I'd rather starve.

You're a mess. Come on.

Let's go to the bathroom
and get you cleaned up.

I love it when they whip
the cheese like this.

- Uh-huh. Great.
- Blue eyes went wacko.

Finish up. We're leaving.

Who's this jerk?

Why don't you turn yourself
around walk away and

noboby gets his puny a*s kicked.

Excuse me? Did you just
say you wanted me

to rip your spine out and
strangle you with it?

I know how you feel.

I just broke up with my boyfriend.

Well, I'm sure you've got
the next one lined up.

You're so great looking.

I bet you won't be alone
for more than a day--

Day and a half, tops.

I didn't date for a year
before my last boyfriend.

A year?

Boys, please... don't fight over me.

She's right.

What are we going?

She's not even the cute one.

She wouldn't even come
to my football practice.

You play football?

I love football.

You do?

You want to come watch practice?

Could I?

[ Laughing )

You freak!

Guys just freak me out.

I don't know how to talk to them.

I always get nervous and
come off sounding stupid.

You?

You're nervous around guys?

Terrified.

I don't understand what they want--
besides the obvious.

I know what I want.

Yeah? But it's probably not
something you could put into words.

Oh, no.
I know exactly what it is.

I want a guy who can talk
to me the way

that we're talking right now
you know?

No come-ons, no games.

No clever opening lines?

Aren't you sick of them?

After the kind of day I had?

Yeah.

- You going to be okay?
- Sure. Thanks.

Yes! I know the secret!

I figured it out.

What's so simple?

Women.

The whole mystery of women.

They're just as afraid of us
as we are of them.

Thanks, Lisa. I'm sorry
I ever command you.

Apology accepted.

I needed to learn a lesson here,
and I have.

Women just need to be related
to person-to-person.

No come-ons, no pick up lines.

Just sincerity.

Now I'm going to score
with Melinda for sure.

I'm a guy... again.

- Perfect timing.
- Yep. Perfect.

Hi. um... I'm Gary and this
is not a come-on line.

I'd like to get to know you.

In the ladies room?

Hey, there's a pervert in here!

I love this. This car is great.

Pretty great.

No cup holder.

Relax. We're here and may
I suggest a nine iron.