01x06 - Airball Kings

[bunniefuu]

# Workin' at the car wash, yeah #

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa #

# Car wa... #

Hey, think quick.

[ Laughs )

Thank you.
Richard, nice shot.

Go, team!

ALL: Go, Bucks!

Look at those guys.

They got everything.

Speed, women, championship trophies.

Women.

Pituitaries the size of guavas

The point is, it got them
where they are--

Where we should be.

What are you talking about?

I don't want to play basketball.

I want to play basketball.

I think it's time for a change.

We don't belong here.

This is ridiculous.

Everyone at Farber High has the
right to try out for the school team.

It says so in the manual.

We're not everyone.

- We're two shemps who can't play.
- [ Blows Whistle )

All right, Gentlemen, listen up.
These tryouts are to determine

if any of you are worthy enough to
join the ranks of the Buccaneers.

I'm here to tell you
you're not good enough.

- [ Whispering ) Yes, I know.
- None of you are.

Your job is twofold: to try out
and to prove me wrong.

- Yeah?
- When do we get our jackets?

When and if you make the team.
Personally, I wouldn't hold my breath.

[ Blows Whistle )

Form lines!

Gary, it's not too late to bail.
Fake a nosebleed.

I'll carry you out.
No, man. Be cool.

I've taken care of everything.

I don't understand.

Go, Gary! Go, Wyatt!

Take it to the boards!

All right, let's go!

What is Lisa doing here?

I don't want to be zapped
into some ten-foot freak.

Just shut up and dribble.

Watch closely, muchachos.

Maybe you'll pick up a few pointers.

What did you ask her for,
total humiliation?

I told Lisa to get us on the team.

Hold it. Hold it.

In my 30 years of coaching,
never have I seen such play.

Let me see that again, son.

Are you just going to sit there?

Young man, that was poetry--
the arc

the roll, the bounce--
and your dribbling was brilliant.

It's move like that that can
carry a team to victory.

Congratulations, men.
Welcome to the team.

Yes!

- Hi. How are you?
- Hi. How are you?

You could fit the entire
chess club in this jacket.

It's not the jacket, my friend.
It's the man inside.

A farber High Buccaneer.

Walk tall-- or in your case just
give the illusion of height.

See?
We are ten feet down the hall and

we already have our own adoring fans.

Hello, ladies.

Hi. We just wanted to,

you know
welcome you guys to the team.

It's, um, funny how we never really
noticed you guys before.

Are you girls b-ball fans?

Fans?
We're co-captions of the a-squad.

Cheerleaders.
Well, well, what a coincidence.

Already we have so much in common.

Mr. Donnelly,
may we see your quiz, please?

Don't you think you should
correct it first?

Mr. Barone understands
how important it is

- to keep the team G.P.A.'s up.
- But I usually get A's.

Don't get greedy, son
or I'll have him grade it for real.

Saved a seat for you two
boys at the varsity table.

Coach, Can I ask you a question?

Anything.

What is it exactly that you like
about our basketball playing?

We're short, we can't dribble
and we sh**t nothing but air ba*ls.

Your modesty is admirable,
Mr. Donnelly.

Clearly, you boys are gifted.
Besides, I've always felt

there's too much emphasis placed
on getting the ball through the hoop.

Gentlemen, make room.

The future of Farber basketball
has arrived.

Howdy, fellow Buccaneers.

- WYATT: Hello.
- Good grief.

Is that all the greens
they gave you?

Here.

There's going to be hell to
pay in that kitchen.

So... you guys tried
the oatmeal scotchies?

- They really weigh a guy down.
- Listen up.

Now, I don't know how,
but the Coach has lost it.

If you two doorsteps show up
at that game friday

you're going to be crawling home.

You're not going to keep us
from taking another championship.

Got it?

Has anyone told you your nostrils
flare when you're angry?

Personally, I think that's good advice.

Think about it, Wy. They pull
anything, and they're off the team.

The Coach loves us.
We're bulletproof.

Yup, for once, Lisa delivered.

I'll get to the point--
Your cheers reek.

"Lean to the left lean to the right..."

Who writes this stuff?

If we're going to yell bad rhymes
let's at least make them honest.

That's her.

Excuse me, miss. Perhaps you're under
the mistaken impression that you

can just waltz into my school and
displace my head cheerleader.

I don't know who you
think you are...

But you're very excited about
the new changes on the squad.

But I'm very excited about
the new changes on the squad.

You looked forward to hearing
the new cheers you've written.

I look forward to hearing
the new cheers I've written.

- Carry on.
- Carry on.

ANNOUNCER: Fellow Buccaneers,
give it up for the reigning

states champions, Farber All Stars.

Listen to the crowd, Wyatt.
They love us. They love us.

k*ll us later. Once they see
us play, we're dead.

Who said anything about playng?

Ow! Oh! My knee!

- You hurt, Mr. Wallace?
- I heard something pop

- but I'm sure I'll be okay.
- You got guts, kid.

Under the pain of injury that upper
lip's as stiff as a hardwood plank.

- I'm benching you.
- Aw, Coach.

That patella will carry us to the
state championship if it stays healthy.

Beside, we got Mr. Donnelly
to pick up the slack.

Sorry, Coach. Uh, groin pull. Ooh.

- Yeah. I heard something pop.
- Tough break.

Somebody get this boy's
groin iced pronto!

See? We're basketball stars, Wy,
without even touching the ball.

How are my varsity bench warmers?

Lisa, what are you doing here?

Why are you dressed
like a cheerleader?

I came to see you play,
and it's head cheerleader.

Isn't Kelly head cheerleader?

All right, girls, let's get into
formation just like we practiced.

- Ready?
- ALL: Okay.

Deodorant is not enough when
our boys go strut their stuff.

Our team gets sweatly, stinky,

smelly, skanky, crusty, sticky
reeeeally ranky!

You know I wrote that.

[ Blows Whistle )

[ Buzzer )

Yes! All right! Whoo!

Your knee, remember?

- Forget my knee. I want to play
- What do you mean, play? -

The crowd's not cheering for us.
For those guys--

the ones playing-- and I want
a piece of that action.

The piece where you get
pubilcly humiliated

or the piece where they
break every bone in your body?

You're just cranky
'cause your nads are on ice.

I don't plan on getting
anywhere near that ball.

Everything goes to Gary.

Set up Gary. Pass to Gary.

Everybody clear the lanes
for Gary, got it?

- You mean this Gary?
- Get out there and follow Gary's lead.

Tie a nice ribbon on it for me.

Joining the game is number 11
Gary Wallace.

- He's dead man.
- Hey, number 11,

you smell more like number two.
[ Laughing )

Good move, Coach. Send in the girls.

[ Whistle Blows )

Give it to Gary.

Give the ball to Gary.

Gary, take it down.

That's it, that's it.

Go down.

Come on, Gary.

It's all right, Gary.

Get it back.

Absolutely well-done.

That's it, that's it.

Gary! Get it to Gary! Yes!

Get the ball to Gary!

Get it to Gary!

sh**t it! Yes!

sh**t it, Gary!

Yes! Yes!

That's it.

Go down.

Come on, Gary.

It's all right, Gary.

[ Buzzer )

Absolutely well-done.

Good shot!

COACH: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[ Crowd Booing )

Chin up, Mr. Wallace.

Great effort.

I'm sorry that the team let you down.

Man, whoever told you
you could play ball?

This boy has more talent than you
and the rest of this team twice over.

You clean out your locker
because you, sir, are off this team.

That's the last I want to
hear about this matter.

Coach, a word.

Do you think it was wise
to send Wallace into the game?

The boy's... how should I put this?

Uh, athletically challenged.

Nobody talks about my boys that way!
No one!

I'm sorry you had to see that.

It's not my fault we lost the game.

I just went out there
and gave it my best.

- The team let me down.
- You heard the coach.

Yeah, I heard the coach--

Babbling like a lunatic
under Lisa's spell.

How's that groin pull, Ice man?

Bodacious cheers at the game, ladies.

Thanks. Quit the team.

We're asking nicely.

We're not.

Quit the team. Now.

I don't know.
The coach is awfully fond of us.

Look, we're not going to let you
two bonaduces flush

our championship down the toilet.

- Get the picture?
- Absolutely.

Think you could have caved
in a little faster, Wyatt?

- Sorry.
- I'm not quitting.

- And nobody can make me. Nobody.
- To put it simply...

I want you to withdraw
from the Buccaneer Roster.

- You mean quit?
- That's putting it even simpler-- Yes.

Now try and see this
from my perspective.

Should the Farber Regin that
we've enjoyed for

five championship seasons
suddenly come to a halt

our Coach Armstrong could
very possibly end up being...

someone else's Coach Armstrong.

But everybody loves the guy.

More specifically...
everybody loves a winner.

And I'm not going a victorious
Coach over the likes of you.

- Principal Scampi...
- If perchance I do,

suffice it to say that your life here
at Farber will be full of... surprises.

There. You see that?

You shut your eyes a split
second before you shot.

You can't teach that.
Mr. Wallace I'm going to

be coaching in the summer leagues
and I'd be honored if you'd assist me.

You, too, Mr. Donnelly
as soon as that groin's 100%.

What do you say?

- We're quitting the team.
- Quitting?

- We have to. Sorry, Coach.
- But why?

I don't know how to put this,
except to say

when it comes to basketball, Mr. Blow.

Mr. Wallace...

Gary... I've been a winning
coach most of my career.

I thought that's what basketball
was all about-- winning

play out there you've shown
me a new dimension

to this game and
that dimension of heart.

You got a heart as big
as all outdoors, Gary.

If you quit this team now...

I don't see any reason for me
to continue in basketball.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

I'm not quitting.

Come again?

I can't let him down.

Didn't you hear him?

No one's believed in me
like that before. No one.

If the Coach had his own
brain back that speech would

have sounded a whole lot different.

I'm a basketball player, Wyatt,
and basketball players play basketball.

[ Crowd Chanting ) Go, Buccaneers! Go,
Buccaneers! Go, Buccaneers! Go, Buccaneers!

Cheep up, Wyatt.
Maybe he won't show.

He had that "I'm going to do
something stupid" look in his eye.

- What's the game plan, Coach?
- I don't know.

I don't care. It's just a game.

None of it matters anyway.

[ Chanting Silences )

[ Shoes Squeaking )

Gary.

I knew I could count on you.

Listen to that, son. That's all for you.

All right, everybody!
We're back in business.

It's Gary game, just like last week.

Go, Gary! Go, Gary! Go, Gary, go!

Come on, Wyatt.

Where's your school spirit?

[ Whistle Blows )

- You going to be okay, son?
- Yeah. Maybe I should sit out a while.

I need you more than ever.
Only down 21, two minutes left.

Look, I know you're tired but
remember, kid-- you got heart.

And it's beating like a rabbit.

This is too painful.
We should do something.

What "We'? You're the wonder genie.

All right,
but I'm not going to do it alone.

Do you have that computer game?

Pop in the basketball cartridge.

Gary will respond to every command.

What's your skill level?

I just made level eight.

Then that's how good Gary will play.

It's up to you now, Wyatt.

The football game worked

Basketball, football, it's all in the thumbs.

Is kicking legal?

It is in this game.

All right! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

All right, Gary, wonderful job!

Absolutely well-done.

Come on, Gary.

That's it, Gary.

[ Electrical Buzzing )

- What happened?
- Oops.

I think I over-amped its circuits.

- Fix it. Gary's all alone out there.
- Wait.

He's doing okay.

COACH: Come on, Gary.

That's it, go down.

[ Buzzer )

[ Whistle Blowing )

How did I do, Coach?

Still proud of me?

Coach?

You may have won the game
but that was some

of the sloppiest ball
handling I've ever seen.

You're still shy of varsity material.

But like I said... you got heart, son.

- Thanks, Coach.
- Just keep it off my court.

Hey, ladies. How are you?

- This is my friend Wyatt.
- GIRLS: Hi.

I owned the court did you see me?

- Yeah, I saw you.
- I am the master.

Look who we have here.

Captain Toe Jam and the
bench-sucking butt boy.

- Leave him alone.
- Ooh, pom-pom girl.

Give me a "T." Give me an "A."

Just give me five minutes.

I'll give you much more.

Now you're giving me
something to cheer about.

[ Chett Groaning )

You guys up for a little kickball?

- Sure.
- Okay.