01x07 - Party High, U.S.A.

[bunniefuu]

Yes! That was awesome.

Lisa, you're the best.

I figured you boys
needed a little getaway.

How many sophomores write
name in the snows of kilimanjaro

then rocket to freedom in
a high-speed bobsled chase?

Lucky for us Wyatt distracted
the border guards.

That's it. Never again.

I'm cold, I'm chapped,
and I have snow in my pumps.

Oh, man.
We're going to be late for school.

No, you're not.

[ Bell Ringing )

All right!

- We beat the bell.
- Wyatt, no border guards in history.

Huh?

I teleported through a dimensional
gateway just to get a "D"?

What a rip. How did you do?

The usual.

"During the Kennedy administration
which foreign leader

"triggered the cuban m*ssile crisis?"

Hmm, foreign leader.
Beats me, but check this out:

superstar Daryl Hannah's
allergic to milk products.

- Gary, can we focus here?
- I am focused.

One cheese danish and
she swells up like a bus.

What kind of life is that?

Are my little stud-puppies
ready to party?

Well, let me think.

- Yes.
- Sorry, Lisa.

We can't.
We have a test tomorrow.

Wyatt, you're wasting
your time studying.

All tests are stupid.
Hey, I'll prove it.

Ask me a question, any question.

- "In 1965..."
- Stop, right there.

You see that? Stupid question.

I was born in '78.
'65 is ancient history.

- It's a history class.
- Wyatt, take a reality pill.

School as we know it is a dinosaur.

- No, it's not.
- Math? I own a calculator.

Geography? I'll buy a map.
Foreign language?

- Movies have Subtitles.
- Exactly.

Gary, you do this every time.

I know you're not exactly a
world-class student...

things would be different
if we were studying

something that I actually enjoyed.

Test me on celebrity horoscopes
and I'm a freakin' genius.

How much of this test counur grade?

- Twenty percent.
- Really?

What was the name of
that m*ssile crisis guy?

I'm a dead man.

Why am I smelling coconut oil?

As you know, today's test
covers the cold w*r.

Now, when I say "cold w*r,"
I don't mean to imply

that it was too cold for the Bikini!

- Bikinis!
- Oh, no! Lisa.

Because that's what we're
here to study-- Bikinis.

Who would like to demonstrate
the proper application

of jojoba-based tanning lotion?

Oh. Oh!

Thanks for the tip. I'll look
into that sunlamp seminar.

I hope you don't mind,
but I took the liberty

of goosing up your class schedules.

I've said it before,
and I'll say it again--

- You're the best.
- Welcome to Party High, U.S.A.

- I had the cold w*r down cold.
- Wyatt, do me a favor.

Climb on this idea
and ride it for a while.

- You might like it.
- [ Bell Ringing )

Hurry. I can't wait
for you to see what's next.

- There's more?
- Lots more.

Bring it on.

Now that we've gotten
shakespeare out of the way

it's time to move on to some
truly significant literature...

- I love school!
- The inquisitor's provocative

reporting is matched only by its
spectacularly blurry photography.

We'll begin with one
of my favourite articles--

"Boy born with cardboard skull."

Hello. I'm Ms. Kay. I'll be your
substute teacher for today.

Who threw that?

I said who threw that?

What I have just witnessed
is a complete and total lack

of respect for authority.
Excellent, class.

Remember, always deny any
knowledge of the attack.

That's the name of the game in
"substitute teacher t*rture."

Gary... this is stupid.

No, it's great.

Finally, a class I can get into.

I saw you throw that.
What is your name, young man?

Butz, ma'am. First name, Seymour.

Well, I'm writing it down,
Mr. Seymour Butz.

- [ Students Laughing )
- Good.

We've divided the circle
into eight equal segments.

What is this area called?
Mr. Donnelly?

The point of intersection.

Incorrect.

Mr. Wallace.

Lunch?

Yes! Everybody, dig in!

A pizza class?

Like this is going to secure
my financial future.

Two words-- wolfgang puck.

TEACHER: I expect each of you
to take a thin crust home.

Tomorrow, be prepared to graph the
flavor-impact of your favorite toppings.

So far, I'd say Lisa's batting 1,000.

Sure. It's fun for a day but what
happens if this spell never ends, huh?

Will I attend bikini college?

Pursue a doctorate in pizzatology?

Politicians-- renowned for their

extraordinary ability to
manipulate ordinary facts.

In short... they're liars.

And that's what we're
here to learn today...

lying.

So, who has homework
for me this afternoon?

Gary... homework?

Uh... I was forced to use my
homework to smother a grease fire

that, left unchecked, would have
d*sfigured my grandmother.

Oh, Gary. What a load.

What an extraordinary load.
So, how is it, class

that such a steaming pile could
evoke both pity and passion?

Let's diagram it, shall we?

Lisa, will these we party grades
stay on my permanent record?

- You bet.
- For the first time

in my life I'll be an "A" student.

If these grades go on my permanent
record I'm transferring out.

What's the matter,
Mr. world-class students?

Afraid of failing bikini?

You don't understand.
I'm going to college.

I have to take Algebra next year.

I have to take Geometry this year.

Scarfing pizzas won't help.

- I'm sorry, you feel that way.
- I will.

It's not like you'd hurt my
feelings and I'd lash out at you

with some sort of nasty,
disfiguring curse.

I'm sorry. Are you saying
you wouldn't do that?

Fine. Transfer.

Me? I'm staying.

There's a new teacher's
pet in town, Wy

and his name is Seymour Butz.

Last chance, Wy.

You want to spend the
next hour in biology?

We're studying thick crust
in math today?

-I'll be fine.
- You sure? Extra cheese.

Huh? Little extra... Huh?

TEACHER: Everyone please
close your pizza boxes.

It's quiz time. Question number one:

what is the common
shape of a pizza?

[ Chuckling )

Question number two:
under how many pounds per square

inch will the plastic, three-legged
protective device that keeps

the cardboard box from coming in
contact with the top of the pie fail?

Mr. Bybee, how are we
supposed to know this stuff?

I believe this material was
covered on yerterday's lecture.

Everyone, tabloids off your desks.
It's quiz time.

Question number one:
what ex-graceland resident

has spent most of his afterlife
wandering shopping malls?

Next: bigfoot has sired children
in which 17 states?

Eyes on your own paper, Gary.

An "F" in bikinis?

But I know all about bikinis.

- I'm the original bikini beach inspector.
- Wrong again.

If you had done your required
reading you would have learned

that the original bikini beach
inspector was Mr. Dave Kenin

of Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

This class is supposed to be fun.

Who cares about this stuff?

You should, Mr. Wallace.

So will your parents when I call
to tell them you're failing.

What's wrong?
That coconut oil giving you hives?

No. Everything's great, just great.

Couldn't be better.

- You failed the quiz, didn't you?
- Of course not.

Who could fail? It's a class in
swimsuits-- tan lines, butt floss.

I can't believe you're failing bikini.

- [ Laughs )
- Oh, yeah, smart guy?

Tell me who invented the thong.

I bet you don't know that,
Mr. Honor Roll.

There you are.

- Rudi Geinrich.
- What?

Rudi Geinrich--
he invented the thong.

So how's it going?

You ruined my whole life.
I'm failing bikini!

You are? That's pathetic.

I never asked for this
stupid party schedule.

- What were you thinking?
- You said you'd be

a good student if your classes
were fun, so I made them fun.

- Well, it didn't help.
- Maybe the problem's not the classes.

Maybe you just need
to pay attention.

Thank you, glinda the good witch.

Gary...

Is there something
that you want to tell us?

Nope. Everything's fine.

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

Well, your, uh...
teacher called today.

We know you're failing
but there's some things

that your father and I
could do to help.

- We could get a tutor.
- Scratch that. Tutors cost money.

- But, Al, Gary need help.
- Honey, when will you learn?

- Our sons can't learn.
- I wouldn't say that I can't learn.

Relax. I'm on your side.

But Gary has tremendous potential.

He just needs to apply himself.

He spends eight hours
in school every day.

The kid's doing the best he can.

- Don't push.
- Maybe I could try harder.

Listen, Gary, I know school's a drag.

I had trouble learning myself.

But once you're out, life's Gravy.
Look ground.

I think we've got it pretty good.

[ Motor Humming )

Sure you don't need
any training for this?

Uh-uh. Besides,
this thing's better

than any magic
I could come up with.

You were right, okay?
You were right.

You were right.
You were both right.

- I'm poor student.
- You're telling this

to the guy who let you copy
his homework for seven years?

I finally realized how important
it is to do well in school.

Wait a sec.
You're actually going to study.

Hell, no, I'm going to use Lisa.

I need to ace my midterm
in history of the bikini.

Quick, make me super-brainiac smart.

Yes. I see.

It's all very clear to me.

- Quite clear indeed.
- What?

This oversized cranium
will prove to be yet another

obstacle in my all-consuming desire

to secure a partner
with whom to procreate.

Huh?

I'll never get any
with a head this big.

Would you be so kind
as to deflate my skull now?

Okay, I'll try it your way.
I'll study.

Yes!

Which is the safest knot for
securing a bikini top in rough surf?

- Atlantic or pacific ocean?
- Pacifice.

- Sheepshank.
- I think you're ready.

I don't believe what I'm seeing.
Dad's coming home.

Tonight.
I want this lawn green enough.

Sorry, Chett. We have school.

Oh, I don't think you two
skid marks are going anywhere.

Not so fast, Chett.
You boys go to school.

I will take care of nature boy.

Oh... wild she-gardener,
and she's armed.

Ooh, I'm shaking.

- You should be.
- Oh, yeah?

Blow me, baby.

Don't you boys have
a test to take?

Today's midterm will be in
the form of an oral presentation.

To go first?

Right here, sir. I'm your boy.

Very well, Mr. Wallace.
The room is yours.

Dazzle us.

Thank you, Mr. Pulani.

Ladies and gentlemen of the
classroom consider the bikini--

not simply two pieces of cloth
with a string on the back

but rather, a milestone which
liberated women from the

puritanic values that dominated

pre-world w*r II
swimwear industry.

Um, Gary, I fail to see a
correlation between a bikini

and President Roosevelt's
reluctance to involve

america in the second world w*r.

Right.

Um... correlation.

Right, correlation.

You see, world...

a classic two-piecer with most of
america supporting their president.

But down below, the japanese
were riding up our butts like a wet,

Sandy G-string crossing the
allied tan line of defense

to a surprise attack on Pearl
Harbor birthplace of the modern bikini.

Tragically it was a successful
attack as the naval base

was left exposed like a
bare belly without sunblock.

It was combat the likes of
which the world would not see again

until... the battle of the bulge.

[ Laughter )

- Go on.
- After that,

Roosevelt had no choice
but ot kick some

sneak-attacking butt in order
to defend the shimmering

fabric of american society.

I'm done.

Thank you.

[ Clear Throat )

Yes, well...

short on substance, but, uh...

surprisingly compelling
and unlike your last report,

you actually showed up--
a vast improvement.

- So how did it go?
- I aced it.

- You aced it?
- Yep-- C+.

Well, all right! Way to go!

Uh, Wy...

Yeah?

Who won world w*r II, anyway?

Uh, we did.

Cool.

So did you get the answer
to problem #5?

GARY: Black's theory of latent
heat is the basis for

measuring temperature
quantitatively.

Cool. Thanks.

Hey, Gary, I don't mean
to get sappy but it's good

to see you applying yourself
and really making it on your own.

GARY: Thanks, Bud.
Talk to you soon.

So you really think
this is sexy, huh?

Mmm.