01x11 - Fatal Lisa

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

I'm beautiful, rich, and lonely
and I'll give you one million game

tokens if you'll spend the
night with me.

Who's buying breakfast?

MAN: You see the still-throbbing
heart being lifted out of the rib

cage and held in the surgeon's hand.

- So who is she?
- Who?

You're starting at ceilings
and grinning like an idiot.

- Who is she?
- Lisa.

- What else is new?
- Love.

I finally realized that
I'm in love with her.

Our Lisa?
You can't be in love with Lisa.

- Why not?
- You know the rules.

- Put her out of your horny, little mind.
- I can't.

That's the problem.
I have to tell her

how I feel and I'll need your help.

Okay, when you're ready to
call Lisa up hit this button.

I hope you're prepared
for rejection.

As always but she's
got to know that I love her.

Now am-scray.

If I'm going to go down in flames
I want to do it solo.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Where's Wyatt?
- Just the two of us this time,

you and me all by our little selves.

Tonight's a special night, you know.

Special night?

[ Scratching )

[ Soft Music Playing )

Mm, Gary, what exactly
did you have in mind?

Lisa, you know
I'm a romantic guy, right?

And when I say these words
you know I mean them

with all my heart.

- I want to do you.
- Oh, that's very sweet,

but you know that can't happen.

- Because?
- Because you encoded me

with strong moral values,
remember?

Actually, that was Wyatt's dumb idea.

The Wyatt part of me
can't grant that wish.

I think I found a way
around this problem.

My wish isn't for me.
It's for you.

- Me?
- I wish that you

would fall in love with the
best-looking guy in this room.

Say, Gar...

I love you.
I've always loved you.

Now how about a nice,
hard, wet one?

Mmm...

Break it up.

Don't make me get the hose.

Nice timing.
Don't you ever knock?

Gary, why did you stop me?
I love him so much.

Those lips, his smile...
that button fly.

You, take a cold shower.
You, come with me.

- I can't feel my tongue.
- Wyatt, snap out of it.

- We're in big trouble.
- She was all over me.

- Did you see it?
- I saw it.

She's in love with you.
Completely, totally in love.

I knew it.
All this time I thought

I was kidding myself
but she does love me.

I wished for her to fall for
the best-looking guy in the room.

- that means...
- Yeah, she's in serious need of glasses.

Oh, Wyatt, I want you so bad.

- Did you hear that?
- You poor guy.

I fear for you.

- She's uncontrollable insatiable.
- And that's bad thing?

Do you want what Lisa would
do If I wasn't here to stop her?

She would throw you on the
floor and have her way with you

repeatedly, non-stop over
and over until something snaps.

- I'm guessing you.
- Over and over?

Over and over.

- Hey, where are you going?
- I'm taking Lisa to my place.

You two have to stay as far
away from each other as possible--

At least until the spell's over.

What kind of friend would I be
if I didn't keep Lisa

- from having wild sex with you?
- Wait!

Can I just give him
one good-bye kiss?

She is in love with me.

All right, fine.
You can blow him a kiss.

Geez, you look tired.

You owe me big time.
I've been up all night with Lisa.

You don't know how hard that is.
The woman can vaporize

through a keyhole travel through
telephone lines at the speed of light.

- How did you stop her?
- Oddly enough,

she's mesmerized
by Barney's videos.

Continuing with our systems
of the human animal let's move

on to what some might consider
the backbone of the series--

The skeletal system. The bones
of the skeletal system

vary in size and shape from
the femur the longest bone

in the body to the hammer,
anvil, and stirrup...

Wyatt, you have something
you'd like to share with the class?

Uh, no, sir. I'm just
passing notes here with... Gary.

That's all, just passing
notes with Gary.

Let's see what's so important
that Gary had to ignore

my lecture that he might commit
his deep thoughts to paper.

"Wyatt, my love I dream of lying
down together in a pool of honey..."

I didn't write that.
Not my note, no sir.

Comforting to know.

All right, who wrote this?

I did.

"... licking the sweet nectar

off each other's bodies
till the end of time."

Now, that's a note.

Let me out to the
proverbial chase here.

We don't allow civilians to
consort with Farber students.

So if you'll agree to leave campus
I'll let Mr. Donnelly return to class.

I won't go. Wyatt and I
are meant to be together.

- End of story.
- Lisa!

You leave me no other choice
but to call Wyatt's father.

Mr. Donnelly?
Principal Scampi here.

My favorite bathing song.

# I soak in my hot tub
I sweat like a pig #

# If I stay in there too long
I'll prune like a fig. #

Yes, that's why I called.
Have a nice day.

I'll be straight with you, Wyatt.
Your father sounded rather upset.

- You want to go skiing in the Alps?
- I have three more classes.

- Your classes go away.
- No.

How can I make this clear?
As much as I would like to...

you know? You, me
together...

- Over and over and over.
- Okay.

Let's do it.

Oh, geez! No! I can't do this!

You're not really
in love with me.

It's just a spell.
I'd be taking advantage of you.

I mean, sure, the sex
would be unbelievable and sure,

I could probably erase your
memory files the morning after,

And...
This is driving me crazy!

You got to leave me alone.

Are you breaking up with me?

I just think we should spend
some time apart for a while

until you're back to being you.

Wy?

You on throne patrol?

Wy?

- Wyatt's not here.
- Lis, you gave me quite a shocker.

- Where's the man?
- Gone.

It's just you and me...

- alone.
- Really?

- What about Wyatt?
- He broke up with me.

- What a feeb.
- It's okay.

I don't know what
I saw in him anyway.

Sure, he's cute but he doesn't
have your fire your hot... manly bod.

You look a little tense.
Sit down, I'll rub you.

Three of my favorite words.

Ooh, you have really supple shoulders.

- Like a spider monkey.
- Yeah? Cool.

- Most chicks don't dig skinny dudes.
- Not me.

I love skinny.
Skinny arms, skinny legs...

- Skinny necks?
- Especially skinny necks.

A guy like you could wrap himself
around me like a belt of he wanted to.

- You're coming on to me.
- Am I that obvious?

A woman can never be too obvious.

Cinch me, baby.

Oh, Mama!

Guys.

Sorry you have to find out this
way but Lisa's come to her senses.

She's dumping you.
She wants to bed down with me.

Are you okay with this--

me being in love with Gary
and not with you?

I guess...
but do you have to use my room?

Oh, don't worry
about being gentle.

Damn darm damn.

What, am I going too fast?
Should I keep my pants on?

Wyatt doesn't love me, I thought
I could make him jealous.

But it didn't work.

You mean, you came on to me
to make Wyatt jealous?

Yes.

Then you're not turned on
but my... hot, manly bod?

- We-we could turn the lights off.
- [ Sobbing )

[ Bell Ringing )

- Hey, Wyatt.
- Oh, hey, Kim.

If you still want to swap notes
from Lang's class

I could bring mine over
to your house tonight.

That sounds great.

- Wyatt?
- Lisa, what...?

Hi, honey.

- Who's your friend?
- Um... this is Kim.

- Kim, Lisa.
- Nice to meet you, Kim.

Kim? Lisa, what did you do?

She was coming on you.

I couldn't have that,
so I made her go away.

- Lisa, Lisa, this is bad, very bad.
- What's bad?

A little problem. Uh, Kim Morris?

Lisa kind of, uh, zapped her...

- away.
- Away? Where?

You're standing with her.

Ooh! That's got to hurt.

Lisa, you can't just...

From now on, my love
nothing's going to come between us.

I'll make everyone go away
if I have to until you belong to me.

Could you detach me, please?

Come away with me, Wyatt.

Martinique is so lovely
this time of year.

No!

I don't mean "No"
in a negative sense.

I mean, uh... I have
an even better idea.

How about we go
to, uh... my room?

- It's also lovely this time to year.
- Mmm... I like it.

The lights down low.
I can put on my little Black Teddy.

Hurry home, darling.

Nice snow job, darling.
Now get me down!

What are we going to do?
She's crazy about me.

I don't see the two of you going
to the prom any time soon.

We got to shut her down.

Turn her off before she toasts
any more study-buddles.

Okay, her's the plan:
you distract her,

but keep your pants on.
I'll unplug the computer.

I'll do my best but I can't
promise on the pants thing.

I hear ya.

[ Moaning )

[ Both Whimpering )

Oh, darling,
what kept you so long?

And why is he here?
I want to be alone with you.

Be strong.

[ Door Opening )

Whoa! What reeks?

Well, well, well.

Looks like Wyatt's having
a little pajama party.

Hey, Mom, guess what.
Wyatt brought home a hooker.

Real pricey-looking wench too.

How many box tops
she set you back, Slim Jim?

I'm sorry. You're...?

$100 an hour, I'm guessing.

- Do you run a family discount?
- Chett, none of that talk.

Would someone explain
what's going on here?

- No.
- No.

I'm Lisa, Wyatt's lover.
And we'd like

to spend our lives together alone.

Do you have a problem with that.

Yes, I have a problem with that.

[ Laughs Nervously )

Hey, you're no ordinary hooker.

Nice try, Gary.

Did you think
I was going for the computer?

No. I was... I was...

my mind was blank.

- It's time to go, Wyatt.
- Oh.

Well, uh... have a good trip.

Gary? Mom?

They're not here.

It's just you and me,
Wyatt, in paradise.

We have our own private
beach our own Secluded Cabana

and three pizza huts.
Have I made you happy?

How can I be when you're
vaporized my best friend

- and half my family?
- Don't you see, honey?

They had to go away.
They were obstacles to our love.

Lisa, you got to bring them back.

Please.

Okay, just one.

Gary! You're back!

I'm back! I'm back!

Where are we?
Why are there so many pizza huts.

I'll explain later.
Gary, she's still in love with me.

What do we do?

We end this now.

Lisa, how can I make this clearly?
You don't really love Wyatt.

Oh, yes, I do.

My whole reason for being
is to love Wyatt.

- You don't even know what love is.
- Sure I do.

Love is making out on
the hood of a dodge viper.

Love is getting right to the sex
without having to talk first.

Love is doing it in your parents'
bed when they're at work.

Son of the g*n. She does know.

You idiot! That's not love.
That's the stupid, horny,

Gary Wallace version of love
you programmed into her.

Okay, smart guy
if you think you know

so much about love
go ahead, you tell her.

I will.

Love...

Makes the world go 'round.
All you need is love.

If you love somebody,
set them free.

Right. Right. Set them free.

That's it!
See, you don't really love me.

- Of course I do.
- No. No, you don't.

Because if you did,
you'd set me free.

That's what real love is.
That's not in the song.

I understand.

We're out!

It's over!

Way to go, man!

Thank God for stupid pop songs.

[ Typing )

What are you doing?

I'm setting my files
to self-destruct.

COMPUTER: Sequence activated.


Another minute,
I'll be out of your lives.

- What? Why?
- I need to prove my love.

You're the one who said it--
"If you love someone, se them free."

So that's what I'm going to do.
I'll never bother you again, Wyatt.

We don't want you to go away.

Wyatt was just spouting
stupid lyrics.

I'm confused.
first you tell me love means

setting someone free then you
say that's not love at all.

- COMPUTER: 30 Seconds.
- I exist to love Wyatt.

But since now I don't know
what love is then I have

no reason to exist unless one of
you can tell me what love really is.

Got anything better than
making out on a dodge viper?

- All I know is we are a team.
- Before you came along, life sucked.

Now we have fun.
Don't you see, Lisa?

We want you to stay.
With you around, life's...

- better.
- COMPUTER: Ten Seconds. Nine...

- Then maybe that's love.
- Will you stay?

- Yes.
- Then it's offiicial. That's love.

You love us, we love you.
All kinds of love in this room.

Give us a hug.

One. Zero.

Self-destruct activated.

- Lisa?
- Lisa file erased.

We were too late.
Now we've lost her forever.

No! She can't be just
when I finally realize I love her--

And I don't mean
in a filthy sexual way.

I mean the real thing.

Whatever that is.

Now we'll never see her again.

I have a backup file.

I knew I could count on you, Wyatt.
That's why I love you.

Oh, don't worry.
I don't mean in an obsessive,

zombies, love puppy kind of way.
More like a big sister.

So the spell's finally over?
You brought everybody back?

- Of course.
- Chett too.

But you'll be happy to know that
when I reassembled his atoms

I toyed with his body hair gene.

You want to know
what love is, Wy?

Love is having a backup file.

I love you too, Gar.