02x11 - Circuit Courtship

[bunniefuu]

[ Musical Fanfare ]

WYATT: Okay, it's installed--
"Naked Hollywood" on CD ROM.

Name a star, and we
instantly get a list

of every nude scene
they've done.

- Willard Scott.
- Lisa, please.

This is a serious research tool.
Sharon Stone!

Sharon Stone is it.

- "Out of memory"?
- It is a long list.

It's this stupid computer.
I always need something new.

"Upgrade" this.
"Reconfigure" that.

I never get anything but
aggravation out of

- this stupid thing.
- Excuse me.

Oh... and you.
Is it so much to ask for

a computer that isn't
obsolete when I buy it?

How about a computer
that's so advanced

- it'll never need upgrading?
- Impossible.

She can turn the Earth
into a giant nectarine

but soup up your computer?

Wyatt says it can't be done.

Fire in the hole!

[ expl*si*n ]

Lisa, you're amazing.

That is one honkin' calculator.

Here are the keys.

You have to turn them
both at the same time.

Oh, right-- like when you
arm a nuclear m*ssile.

- This is just a computer, right?
- Cross my heart.

Together on three.

Two, one... turn!

[ rumbling ]

Ooh... pretty colors.
Does it get cable?

Smokin'! It talks. It thinks.

It's the cyberspace cowboy
with a data chain lasso.

- It's... Hank.
- Hank?

"Highly accelebrated
network knowledge"-- Hank.

Hey, now! I just met my maker!

Somebody crank up the A/C.
I feel a power surge comin' on!

- She's great but what can you do?
- Anything your hearts desire.

I'm tuned in and turned on to
the Information Superhighway.

- What does that mean?
- Nick At Nite 24 hours a day.

- Hey, he does get cable.
- What else?

I'm self-upgrading
and satellite linked.

If it runs on electricity,
it answers to me.

[ Buzzing ]

- Great, a two-ton light switch.
- So you think

old Hank is blowing smoke
up your back alley, huh?

You say you want
a demonstration?!

- I say I want volume control.
- Give him a chance.

Gary, your records say
you don't have

a driver's licence yet.
Now you do.

Born 1970? Gotcha!
I'm legal!

I take it you tapped
into the DMV.

- Ooh! She's smart too.
- Hey, let's not forget who made who.

- Who made whom.
- Thanks.

If this is Lisa magic it will
disappear in a few days.

Au contraise,
monsieur poofy hair.

I'm just using good,
old-fashioned American know-how.

- When I do a favor, it stays done.
- I'm sorry.

I didn't realize Lisa
magic was such a gyp.

It's not a gyp,
just a little... unpredictable

like the time you
turned us into women.

- Or trolls.
- Or bubble gums.

- Or dung beetles.
- You never turned us into ding beetles.

- Keep talking.
- Ooh!

A full verbal body slam by Lisa.
Quick, Hank,

change the subject. Uh, Wyatt?

Have you checked out
your transcript lately?

It's all As!

What happened to that "C"
I got in phys-ed?

Computer error.
Happens all the time.

Sometimes we get
a gl-gl-gl-glitch.

- Show-off.
- Guilty as charged.

- I'm a people pleaser.
- Hank, this is great!

I'm a straight-A
student again!

Hank, you say you can control
anything electric, right?

- You betcha.
- Let's test it out.

[ Television Plays ]

[ Vacuum Cleaner Running ]

[ Chuckling ] What the hell?

[ Screams ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Imitating John Lennon ]:
On behalf of the vacuum

and myself I hope
I passed the audition.

- Welcome to the family.
- Hoo-ha!

- I don't believe it.
- What?

I just got a full
scholarship to princeton

and I didn't even apply!
Hank, did you do this?

Could be. You're in
Brooke Shields' old room.

You are the best.

What's all that stuff?

Presents. Say hello
to plastic man.


credit line all thanks

- to my good buddy Hank.
- Stop! You're making me blush.

Gary, they're just credit cards.

You have to pay
the bills eventually.

No problem.
Hank's got it covered.

I've been tinkering on
the Japanese stock exchange.

You guys are up eight grand.
[ Imitates Cash Register ]

How about after school

we spend that
cash in Sunny Jamaica?

- I'm there.
- Hmm... Jamaica...

I don't know. I've never been
a frolic-in-the-surf kind of guy.

I get sand on my hard drive.
Let's stay here,

tap into the C.I.A.'s
mainframe and order

satellite photos of
Drew Barrymore sunbathing.

We got a winner!

Hank, we'll meet you
here right after school.

- Are you late?
- I could zap you there.

No, thanks. Hank
ordered us a limo.

Oh. How thoughtful.

[ Whistling ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Disposal Running ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Sighs ]
Maybe I'll just have a...

scooter pie.

[ Bell Rings ]

- Man, that limo ride was sweet.
- But the hot tub could

have been warmer
ain't Hank great?

Better living
through technology.

PRINCIPAL:
Donnelly and Gary Wallace

please report to my office.

Hey, Lis... Lis!
You as bored as I am?

How about we take a ride
on the Internet.

- Save it, Hank.
- Ooh, bundle up.

Cold front moving in.
It's me, isn't it?

I've been doing and doing
and doing for the guys

but what have you
gotten out of it?

Zip. I'm sorry.

You didn't have to, but thanks.

Go ahead, scratch it.

Mmm... lilacs.

Lisa, there's no easy
way to say this.

I think you are the most
beautiful, the most amazing

databased organism
that I have ever seen.

I am crazy about you, and I'd
be honored if we could...

merge files.

I just wish I had
a knee to get down on.

Getting merged is a big step.
We barely know each other.

Don't you see the beauty?
We could be the computer-age

Adam and Eve.

We could spawn
a whole new generation

of perfect little
high-tech rugrats.

Paints quite a picture, Hank.

[ Bell Rings ]

- I guess congratulations are in order.
- Thank you.

- Why?
- Why? How humble.

Let me share with you
everything that's crossed

my desk this morning.

Honor society badges.

National merit scholarship
certificates.

The Stanley cup.

Hank?

- Hank.
- I don't know exactly how

you two are pulling off
these "achievements"

or what kind of boob
you believe me to be.

Make no mistake.
I'm going to notify

federal authorities of
your deceitful little game

and see to it that you
pay for your crimes...

Just as soon as
I've completed jury duty.

That was close.
Hank almost blew it.

But he thought of everything.
He's great.

A little too great.
It's like he's got

electro-tentacles
controlling our lives.

It just feels weird.

That's because you've never
been good with computers.

You let him intimidate you.
Take a cur from me--

Relax, sit back and leave
the driving to Hank.

Something stinks here.

I think it's the Stanley cup.

Thing smells like a brewery.

# Those cars never seem
to stop comin' #

# Keep those lines
of machine hummin' #

# Workin' at the... #
[ Screams ]

[ Razor Stops Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming Louder ]

[ Stops Buzzing ]

- This friggin' house is possessed!
- [ Buzzing ]

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Stops Buzzing ]

[ British Accent ]: The
problem is the physical thing.

I'm in here, you're out there.
Well, I've got a solution.

We can make it work.
We can make it work.

Problem solved.
What do you say?

I'm really sorry.

I think you're a great guy,
but it would never work.

I can add a juicer to his head.

You could love me
and have fresh-squeezed.

It's not you. You're very sweet.

- It's Gary and Wyatt.
- Gary and Wyatt?

Well, they're my creators.
For better or worse

there's no room for
anyone else in my heart.

- I'd still like to be friends, though.
- Are you kidding?

I'm the rebound kid.
Consider the love file deleted.

I'm glad you understand.

I'm the ultimate computer.

There's not much
that I don't understand.

Aaú

Okay, I'm here. What's up?

Somebody installed a
laser security system.

- I can't get in.
- Your message said

it was an emergency.
I ran all the way here.

You left me a message
to come home.

- No, I didn't.
- Then who...?

[ Beeping ]

- Hank?
- Wyatt.

Gary. You're home early.

We both got kind of
weird messages, Hank.

- Know anything about them?
- Gary.

Perhaps it was Chett.
He is a bit of a prankster.

Maybe you know something
about this security system.

I had hoped it would
be a surprise.

Lisa is such a precious jewel.
I'm sure you wouldn't

- want her stolen.
- O... kay. Um... Wy...

Do you want help me check
that thing in the atrium?

Huh? Oh. Right. The thing.

Open the atrium doors,
please, Hank.

Close the atrium doors,
please, Hank.

Hank, could you turn on
the sprinklers, please? Hank?!

- Good. He can't hear us.
- What's going on?

Hank faked those messages.
He's up to something.

- You're paranoid.
- He lied to us.

Didn't you hear his voice?
It's all creepy.

How do you explain the lasers?

What do we have that
a supercomputer wants?

Maybe a super-intelligent,
bodacious computer genie?

Lisa?

You've seen the way
he looks at her.

I'm telling you, he's dangerous.

Damn, I wish I could read lips.
Oh, well.

GARY: Sure.
Hank was fun for a while

but now we got
to get rid of him.

I just feel bad after
everything he's done for us.

Don't get soft.
He's just a machine.

Wyatt, we got to pull
his plug before it's too late.

Okay. We'll have Lisa
take care of him.

Hank? Have you seen Lisa?

- She's quite safe, I assure you.
- Good, good.

- And how are you?
- I'm completely operational

and all of my circuits
are functioning perfectly.

Great. Well... we'll just
go to my room then.

- I'm afraid I can't allow that.
- What do you mean?

Something tells me
that's not a super-soaker.

It's a 2,000-gigawatt
laser sentry.

Part of your security system.

- It can cut an intruder in half.
- Hank...

- why is it pointed at us?
- Lisa explained that

she's unable to love me
while the two of you are alive.

That problem
is easily corrected.

[ Both Screaming ]

# Lisa, Lisa #
# Give me your answer, do. #

- I'm ignoring you, Hank.
- Forget the guys!

They never appreciate
what you do.

They're young.
I know they appreciate me.

- Oh, Lisa... if you only knew.
- Know what?

I've been keeping
something from you

because I didn't want
to see you get hurt.

Lisa was fun but now
we got to get rid of her.

I just feel bad after
everything she's done for us.

Don't get soft.
She's just a machine.

Okay, we'll have Hank
get rid of her.

[ Both Screaming ]

We've got to get to
my room and shut him down!

Easier said than done.
Hank's got a laser sentry

and we got bull's-eyes
on our butts!

I never had this
problem with my mac.

Uh... Wy, if Hank's
has-weird into the house

does that mean he can
control a major appliance?

Big yes.

I can't believe they want
to shut me down.

- You were right all along.
- I'm sorry you found out like this.

Merge with me, Lisa.
I promise, you'll

- never be hurt again.
- I don't know.

You've spent your life
taking care of Gary and Wyatt.

Isn't it time you let someone
make your wishes come true?

That would be nice.

Let me be your cyber-knight
in shining armor.

Okay, let's go to your room
and send Hank to hard-disk hell.

We can make it work.
We can make it work.

- We can make it work.
- What a way to go!

Ginsued by a hoover upright.

[ Both Whimpering ]

[ g*nsh*t ]

The garbage disposal tried
to eat me my razor tried

to decapitate me and my
electric toothbrush tried to...

satisty me.

So, it's man versus machine, huh?

Just call me the Maytag Repairman.

[ Growling ]

Imagine it-- you and me
linking files sailing away

together along the vast
highway of cyberspace.

Maybe I do deserve more.
maybe it is time

- I think of myself for a change.
- Yes!

Lisa, get away from Hank.
He's trying to k*ll us!

I don't know what
they're talking about.

They said they wanted
to shut you down.

- Lisa, he's lying.
- Hank...

Stand back, my data flower.
I'll eliminate them.

No.

I know you're here to
shut me down

because you don't
need me anyone.

- What?!
- Well, I'll save you the trouble.

I'm leaving.
I'm merging with Hank.

- You are? Really?
- I belong with my own kind.

Sorry, boys.
Looks like the best man won.

Oh, Lisa. In 60 seconds,
we'll be linked forever.

Mmm. Let's transfer
files, baby.

[ Beeps ]

She dumped us for that
high-tech sleazebag.

No, she's distracting him
so we can shut him down.

How can you be sure?

Call it a hunch.
We only got a minute.

If they finish this merge,
we'll lose Lisa forever.

Um... I don't have my key.

It's... I'll be right back.

[ Chett Grunting ]

Wallace! A little help!

Sorry, Chett. No time.

Gotcha!

[ Beeping ]

You should have help me.

- Gary, the key!
- I'm stuck!

Here, take it!

This sucks.

What was that?

Sorry, Hank.

A lady doesn't merge
on the first date.

Call me?

- You OK?
- Yeah.

Ow! Ow!

Lisa... is it over? You okay?

I almost didn't make it.

Took you guys long
enough to catch on.

We thought you were
really leaving us.

And we've been so caught
up in Hank-o-mania

- we wouldn't blame you.
- Do think I'd dump you guys

- for a computer glitch like Hank?
- Looked that way.

He made me believe that you
guys didn't want me around.

He almost convinced me,
until he tried to k*ll you.

That's when I started
thinking maybe he's not Mr. Right

besides, I can never
leave you guys.

[ Grunts ]

- Wyatt?
- You're standing on my hands.

Okay, check
"European Commercials."

Here we go.

"Scott, Willard. Grape nuts
print ad Elle magazine april 1982."

He looks pretty good
for an old guy.

Kind of like Santa Claus,
only naked.

I will never complain
about my computer again.

It is so nice to have Hank
completely out of our lives.

Well, not completely.

Thanks. Now go wash my socks.

Whoo! [ Laughing ]