03x01 - Earth Boys Are Easy

[bunniefuu]

WYATT: There are things you think
you'll never see in your lifetime--

a cure for the common cold,
world peace

the next Star Wars movie--
but the one thing I was sure

no one in any lifetime
would ever see

was my brother, Chett...
with a girlfriend.

Her name is Rose and it's like
they were made for each other.

Two people that know
what they want

and how to get it...
usually by force.

My good friend Gary
also seems caught up

- in the wonder of the moment.
- Will you shut up?

Strange. It's as
if he can hear my thoughts.

I can. Lis, turn him off.

Okay, okay.
I thought it added atmosphere.

What are you so
cranky about anyway?

I'm checking out
my magic eyeball book.

- Those things are a gyp.
- All I see is squiggly colors.

You just squint at the picture
"And you're greeted

with aife-like 3-D image of...
majestic lions."

Maybe I've got it upside down.

Aren't they cute?

- LISA: how did they meet?
- Personal ads in Flak Magazine.

Three weeks and going strong.

For the first time Chett's got
romance and companionship.

I wonder if he's got majestic lions.
There aren't any in this book.

You're right, Wyatt--
it is nice.

Two lovers sharing
a quiet moment alone.

Let's eavesdrop.

- A drive-in movie speaker?
- I just rented Pulp Fiction.

I'm feeling a little retro.

Yeah, Rose... that was
some movie, huh, Rosie?

It was the most romantic thing.
I almost cried.

Me too.

- Geez, what movie did they?
- Aliens.

I mean, when Vasquez
and the lieutenant

ate the grenade
to save the party?

That was beautiful.

It reminded me of Jesse Ventura's
gut wound in Predator.

I am one happy little brother.

Since when are you
Chett's cheerleader?

Did you forget the Melvins?
The Noogies?

- The Full-Body Nair Baths?
- That's why I'm happy.

He's been so busy
on love maneuvers

he doesn't even remember I exist.
Life is sweet.

Whoa.
Major sweater muffins, 2:00.

- What did you say?
- [chuckling]: Uh...

I didn't mean anything by that.

Think of it as a compliment.
I mean...

I'm so comfortable with you
I can say what's on my mind

'cause... I don't really
think of you as a chick.

You don't think of me as a chick?

CHETT:
Well, no. Yeah.

You know, like a guy
I can imagine naked.

- No. Wait.
- That's it, Chester.

Your sweater muffin-watching
days are over.

No.

You can have your
stupid dog tags too.

She had to wake up
sooner or later.

- I hope Chett is okay.
- He needs space to deal with his loss.

For him, this is the time
to look inward and reflect.

[yelling]

I loved her and she spit me out
like a black jelly bean.

Why not trash your own room?

Why should I,
when I can mess up yours?

...then he rammed
my head in the toilet.

Just be thankful you
don't have problem hair.

Look at the up side--
Chett has done worse.

You didn't let me finish.

Uh-oh.
Jilted psycho on the prowl.

[whimpering]

Oh, close one.

- Poor Chett.
- Poor Chett?!

We've got to find him a new girl
or I'm a smoke stain on the carpet.

Relax. I've got it covered.

- We're fishing for a girlfriend?
- What's for bait?

LISA:
What else?

Stand back, puny mortals.

Where did the picture go?

It's scanning the world
for Chett's perfect match.

Fishing sucks.

[clicking]

LISA:
Uh-oh.

I got something.
stip me in.

Get behind me!

Whoa!

WYATT:
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

It's a whopper!

It's huge!

Here she comes.

Hi. Who's the cutie?

"Rose was my girl
the head on my brew

"the shine on my dog tags,
the spit on my shoe

"the Kung-Fu grip on my G.I. Joe
doll and she took my heart

"with her...
when she went... AWOL."

Chett.

Oh, at last.

He's on the rebound
so you shouldn't have

- any problem, miss, uh...
- Please, call me Ali.

- Is that short for Allison?
- Okay.

- Where are you from, Ali?
- Memphis. Excuse me.

Pal!
I need a rhyme for "flak vest."

How about "back rest"?

Face it, tiger.
You just hit the jackpot.

- Oh, my goodness.
- [purring]

Wyatt, get down here!

Little bro, we got way too
much Chinese food here.

- Join us. Tuck in.
- Join you?

- And your friend.
- Gary!

You, too,
you frizzy-haired pukeball!

Sure thing,
you balding sack of dog meat.

[laughing]

I love these two chowder boats.
Eat up, boys.

Mu-shu. Mu-shu.
Don't mind if we do.

Save me a dumpling...
dumpling.

Sure thing, hot sauce.

We need to fatten you up a little.

[giggling]

I've never seen him this happy.
You're okay in my book.

Hey, thanks.

I think Chett's the most beautiful
creature in the universe.

A gorgeous babe with bad taste in guys.

You got any sisters.

- Rose.
- At ease, soldier.

I've decided to give you
another chance.

I shouldn't get mad at you
for a healthy sex drive.

- It is your best quality.
- [gasps]

- This really isn't a good time.
- What do you mean?

You're not alone, are you?

Who's this?

Her name is Ali.
Don't talk to her that way.

You're dumping me for Malibu P.J.?!

You dumped me!

I had to move on.
You expect me to be alone forever?

- We broke up four hours ago!
- We're in love!

One day soon we hope
to breed a fine young warrior.

Is this true?

Yeah, well,
we're talking about it.

I'm out of here.

- Rose, wait!
- Let her go.

You're better off without her.

Wyatt:
So my big brother found love again.

I never thought it was possible.

Boy, these jockeys itch
like a mother.

Maybe I'm allergic to silk.

- I wonder how fish do it.
- [giggling]

- I'm broadcasting again, aren't I?
- Yep.

How was the mall?

I exchanged that
defective magic eyeball book.

Defective?

Well, yeah. Nothing wrong
with these 20/20 bad boys.

Must be a printing defect.

Come on, Green Bay Packers.

I know you're in there somewhere.

- [screaming]
- Jeez! what's wrong!

Ali! Squint and look at her.

- Ugh! She's hideous!
- What's hideous!

I don't see a thing.

Relax your eyes and
look four feet past her.

Oh, cool. I see it.

[screams]

ALL:
Ew!

- How could this happen?
- The magic fishing rod couldn't find

a match on Earth
so it broadened the search.

To outer space?

So it is true.

Chett couldn't get a date if
he was the last man on Earth.

So? What do we do
about jabba the sl*t?

We send her packing.

Hey, you two lovebirds.

Hey, guys.
Who's your friend?

Oh, Chett, Ali, this is...

Florence,
my second cousin from Canada.

No way.
Is she the one that you...

No! No, no, this is a different
cousin, completely different.

Is something on your mind, Ali?

You look like
you're on another planet...

- or from another planet.
- [both laugh]

Why don't we go freshen up?

Without my makeup I feel like
a creature from outer space.

I bet you know that feeling, huh, Ali?

Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Excuse us.

- Kisses?
- Kisses.

Ew!

Can't wait for the bachelor party.

Instead of a girl
jumping out of the cake

she can just best
out of someone's chest.

You two have to break up.

I'm not good enough
because I'm a different species

because I'm mono-digitary
and Omni-ocular?

We eradicated that sort
of bigotry on my planet.

I'm not being a bigot.

Then what does it matter?

There's no one in my entire home
world as wonderful as Chett.

He's ruined me
for my own species.

- Lisa, have you ever been in love?
- Well...

- No.
- Then how can you condemn us?

- GARY: Give them a chance?
- Who are we to judge them?

The mans-- the home team.

She's playing love connection
on our planet.

Chett's really in love.

You're just happy 'cause
he hasn't tried to flush you.

That part doesn't suck either.

[ knocking ]

Rose.

I wanted to talk to your brother.

- He's not here now.
- Oh. That's okay.

I know Chett doesn't
want me, and that's fine.

I mean, you don't have to hit me

with the normandy landing
but this Ali girl-- she's scary.

I'm worried about Chett.

There's something
in that girl's eyes.

A woman can tell.
Just... look out for him, okay?

- Promise?
- Sure. I promise.

Lisa, can you rig it so we can
keep an eye on Chett and Ali?

Finally! Someone with
good old-fashioned

healthy reservations about
Chett dating a space alien.

Isn't this an invasion of priacy?
When has that stopped you?

Good point.

This will show you what
Ali's up to at all times.

Think of it as
your own Sci-Fi channel.

Hello. Mother? It's me.

Yes.
Everything is going well.

Oh, you should see his body.
[ growls ]

Makes me devour.

She's telling Mom about Chett.
That's so sweet.

We will be mating momentarily.

He's waiting for me.
Yes, of course.

I'll come straight home
once I've devoured him.

- Did she just say "devour"?
- I think she said "devalue."

"I'll come straight home
once I devalue him"?

Sometimes my hair
gets in my ears.

Don't worry.

As humans go,
Chett is pretty large.

There'll be plenty of table scraps.
I'll bring you back a drumstick.

She's going to eat him!

Nice going!
We ask you to find Chett a girl

and he ends up
being a galactic takeout!

Boy, do I feel like
the captain of the dummy boat.

It's not polite to eavesdrop.

Oh, yeah?
It's not polite to eat and run.

Get her, Lis!
Turn her into a snickers bar!

- What happened to your magic?
- I don't know.

I'm afraid it was me.
"Magic."

You two are so cute.

I suppose that to a primitive mind,

Lisa's reality-altering algorithms
must seem pretty magical.

Well, pardon my sloping brow.

Okay, sister. Looks like
we play it your way.

Time for a little hand-to-hand.

[ yells ]

Oh, yeah.
You really kicked her butt.

- Stuff it, Wallace.
- Lousy alien!

Hope you choke on him!

Okay, if we want to save Chett
we'll have to work fast.

- And do what?
- What else?

Call for help.

Hi, lover.

Um... before we begin,
I need to tell you something.

It's been a long time for me.

I want to make sure
we're not moving too fast.

This is a good speed.

[ moaning ]

- Come on.
- Almost.

Got it!

Now what do I do with it?

[giggles]

Hey, quit it. That tickles.

I can't stand it anymore.
I've got to have your body.

It's yours. Take it.

[ groans ]

God, I love a
take-charge kind of gal!

Check out that tasty hunk
of prime rib.

I've been doing sit-ups.

[ growling ]

You want me as much
as I want you?

Do I?

You could dip my face in batter
make hot buttered love cookies!

Cookies, huh?

I've never thought of that.

Nah, too much work.

[ gasps ]

Ooh...

Like what you see?

I've always been a leg woman.

[muffled cry]

How's this strike you?

I've seen them do that in videos.

That's new, though.

Get real.

Time to call the cops.

To save Chett, there's only
one person we can call.

[muffled]: Mmm...

No, not Grandma.

I've never done
this sort of thing before.

Is that mango chutney?

Hello, Rose?
Listen carefully--

turns out Chett's girlfriend is
really an alien from outer space.

She's about to eat him alive.

We were hoping you could
come over and lend a hand.

Rose?

Get away from him, you b*tch!

Uh... they're in Chett's room.

Down the hall, to the left.

Oh. Sorry.

Get away from him, you b*tch!

Rose, is that you?

Neat little trick.

Get away from him, human!

If you want him,
you'll have to go through me!

Ladies, here's no reason
to fight over me.

[screams]
What happened to Ali?

That is Ali.
And you're dinner.

Ugh! I made it to
second base with that thing?

Come here
my little love snack.

Not enough beer in Milwaukee,
bug-lips.

Looks like this is it.

I can't believe you saved me
after the way I treated you.

- I never stopped caring about you.
- Me too.

But I got crazy after I lost you.
I was on the rebound.

What's important is,
we're together.

If I got to go down dogface,
I'm glad it's with you.

Yeah, me too.
Would you wear my dog tags?

Oh, thanks.
Why are they sticky?

- It's the mango chutney.
- [roaring]

All right.
Enough already.

I might be an alien,
but I do have a heart.

You two are perfect
for each other.

- Even I can see it.
- I guess we are, aren't we?

Hang on to each other.

A perfect match only comes
around once in a lifetime.

Shut up and kiss
before I eat you.

[ sighing ]

What's the matter?

Oh... you guys have each other.

I just can't help wondering--
where's the man for me?

Mmm...

[ sighs ]

Maybe I spoke too soon.

I give up.
Magic eyeball book?

- "Magic gyp-off" is more like it.
- You can't see a picture?

I don't get it.

I never had trouble
seeing Ali with the squint.

Maybe there aren't
any pictures in there.

Everybody pretends to see them.

Oh, they're in here, all right.

Just out of my reach.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't the Barbie twins.

Oh, look--
they bought us dinner.

[ both laughing ]

We made the universe
safe for that?

Well, I can't do anything
about Chett and Rose

but I can help Gary
with his 3-D book.

I see it!
Charging linebacker!

Incredible.

He looks so lifelike.

GARY:
Whoa. What a rush.