03x02 - Horseradish

[bunniefuu]

We were born 20 years too late.

If this were 1975 we'd
be totally raging right now.

Yeah, yeah,
it would be a party.

We'd all be listening to
Captain & Tennille

while free-spirited women
with underarm hair

- caress our bell bottoms.
- You make it sound like a bad thing.

Well, now,
what do we have here?

Looks like big brother Chett's
been doing a little stealth-hacking

unless you're downloading
pictures of Semiautomatic Sandy.

Hello, ladies.

You're home early
from the beauty parlor.

You've been busted, bro.

Okay, I admit it.

I've been using your computer.

And I'm glad you caught me
because seeing the two of you

standing there looking at me
like I was some common criminal

has reminded me of
something very important.

I can still kick both your
bony butts to the moon.

- But...
- It seems unfair

but you're both going
to feel a little bit better

once you've fixed me a sandwich
and brought me a beer.

Chop chop.

What just happened?

I thought we had the upper hand.

Oh, how do you delete
this Lisa file?

It's taking up all the space
on the hard drive.

It doesn't even do anything.

Look. "Lisa."

See? Nothing.

You left the file unprotected.

I know. It was stupid.

- Anyone could have accessed me.
- WYATT: There were some safeguards.

Like what?
You had to be able to spell "Lisa"?

Chett surprise me, that's all.

Make it so we're the only
two people who can call you up.

Come on, I've got an idea.

I suggest a pass-key system.

Choose a password and I'll take
care of the security precautions.

That's okay.

You had your shot.

I'll choose the password this time.

I can handle it.

No, you're too predictable.

- Like someone will guess...
- "Telephone"?

- Okay. How about...
- "Desk lamp"?

Then "carpet." Then "Lisa."

Spelled backwards.

Okay. I got one.

Good. Let's try it out.

Now for the sealer.

[ both yelling ]

Lis, you got to give us some
warning before you do that.

- I'm blind.
- There. It's secure.

No files can be accessed.
No data can be read.

I can't even get into it.
Now try the password.

Let's open it up.

Gary, enter the password.

It's, uh... uh...

- This is classic.
- You forgot the password?

Sorry!
It must have slipped my mind

when you detonated that little
hydrogen b*mb a minute ago.

- I'll make up a new one.
- Let me help you understand this.

There is only one password
and until you remember it

my powers are in there,
and I'm trapped out here.

- No magic?
- No.

It's made of Titanic Beryllium.

Nothing can penetrate it.
I'm completely locked out.

No magic, no zapping, nothing.

We should have stayed
with "telephone."

WAYNE:
Wyatt, are you in there?

Dad!

WAYNE:
Wyatt, open up.

What are we going to do?

He's going to see Lisa.
Be cool.

I knew something like this
would happen someday.

I'm ready.

CHETT:
Dad said now.

He means now!

Don't make me get
my fire axe and come...

Door's open.

I heard a noise.

And I smell something electrical.

Oh, my goodness.

I don't know you.

I don't either but I'd sure like to.

I'm Wayne Donnelly.
And you are...?

- I'm...
- Valadja Slavko.

She escaped in the middle
of her trapeze act

from a touring Bulgarian Circus.

Yeah, Dad,
and I'm little Richard.

The father of rock and roll.

Is true.
Circus treats me very bad.

Must share tent with
bearded lady and elephant boy.

- Gary and Wyatt rescue Slavia...
- Nadia.

- Valadja.
- ...from certain death.

And now they got the clowns

and the dancing poodles
looking for her.

I know it sounds crazy, but look,
here's all her documentation.

Well, it certainly looks official.

Birth certificate, passport
letter of commendation

- from Siegfried and Roy.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're not seriously
buying this, are you?

This is obviously a scam job.

Please, kind sir don't send
Valadja back to evil ringmaster.

Well, I suppose
Wyatt's quiet respect

and strong moral code
have earned my trust.

And I'm sure
by this time tomorrow

he'll put this entire episode
behind us.

- Isn't that right, Wyatt?
- Absolutely.

Valadja can stay until then, right?

She can stay in the guest house
by herself for one day.

I'm going to figure this out.

Have a party.

"Clowns and dancing poodles"?

- Any luck with that password?
- I'm working on it.

Well, work faster.

I hate being trapped
in this lame, little world.

You know what I mean.

What are we doing now?

- Going to bed-- it's late.
- But I've never slept before.

I don't even know how.

You just take off all
your clothes slip into the bed

and press up against me
as hard as you can.

- You'll be out in no time.
- Gary, don't you have to go?

Oh, sure...
and leave you alone

and teach Lisa how to do all
the things she's never done before?

What am I going to do?

Wait for you to leave
and teach her how to drive?

Lisa, have you
ever taken a shower?

No.

- I know how you work.
- You're paranoid.

- GARY: Wyatt?
- What?

Is she asleep?

I think so. What time is it?


she'd stop jabbering.

She was nervous.

It's probably the first time
she's ever been unconscious.

[ muttering ]

I think she's dreaming.

You heartless b*stard!

WYATT:
Lisa, what are you doing?

Don't play dumb.
You were there watching him.

Thought you could juggle
those poor, innocent puppies.

Where am I?
Where's the blue giant?

- And the snake with the pants?
- You were dreaming.

It wasn't real. Let go.

- But he was... and you were...
- All in your head.

It happens when you go to sleep.

I'm sleeping on the floor.

Good. That's where
you deserve to sleep

you stinking weasel.

It wasn't real.
Poor little puppies.

You remember that password
yet buddy o' mine?

She should be here somewhere.

She said she'd meet us
after school, right?

I am kind of thirsty,
come to think of it.

Well, it looks like you got the
human thing pretty much down.

Yeah, it's okay.
I miss my magic though.

You know I had to walk here?
It took 15 minutes.

Tell me about it. I haven't
walked this much in months.

- Or paid for stuff.
- Or picked my nose.

Have I told you about that?

I don't know what's so great
about being human.

It's pretty boring,
not to mention painful.

- What's so painful?
- I feel like I have this water balloon

in my stomach that's about to burst,
and it just keeps getting worse.

Lisa, have you ever gone
to the bathroom before?

That's what that is.

How do you make it
through a long movie?

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I was watching you.

I know this is kind of forward
but I think you're very beautiful.

Take a hike.
She's spoken for.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You guys are so much younger,
I figured...

When you figure you make
a fig out of "u" and "re."

What does that mean?

It means she's busy.

Why did you do that?
He was kind of cute.

- He was going to ask me out.
- Oh, so you're dating now?

Well, excuse me for trying to
make the best of being human.

Excuse me for trying to learn
about relationships and emotions.

Excuse me--

I have to go to the bathroom.

The toilet's the one
without the faucets.

What?

She has a right to date
if she wants to.

I suppose.
But we set the rules.

No kissing, no touching,
no nuzzling.

No romantic walks, comfortable
silences or childhood stories.

No talking about
sexy scenes in movies

MTV videos or the diet coke guy.

No beer, no wine, no oysters.

Do we make ourselves
perfectly clear?

Yeah... I guess.

Oh, hi.

Lisa, Steve
you're on your own.

Be home by 11:00
or you're grounded.

Your parents are strict.

They're just very concerned friends.

I can see why.
Have you had dinner?

I'd love to.

Your turn.

There, that's the last one.

- Now what?
- What time is it?

She's a little late.

Probably ditched him
and went to a movie.

Exactly!

- Want to play another game?
- Good idea.

Scrabble, Risk, Monopoly, Candyland...

- Candyland!
- You want to play Candyland?

- I love Candyland.
- Candyland's for two-year-olds.

I remember the computer password.
It's horseradish.

Oh, that's great.

How do you get
"horseradish" from "Candyland"?

Duh.

Oh, I had a great time tonight, Lisa.

Me too.
I'm sorry I had to keep getting up.

That movie was pretty long.

This may sound like
I'm moving kind of fast

but we should have kids,
move into a big house

and spend the rest
of our lives together.

- Or at least a second date.
- Oh, decisions, decisions.

Can I have a second date
and the house?

How about a cond date and a kiss?

You're home.
About time too.

- Hi, guys.
- You have fun tonight?

I know I did.

Hey, Lis, we got great news--
Gary remembered the password.

You can get back in the computer
and get your magic powers.

Lis?

I'm not going back.

I've decided I really want
to be a human being.

So I'm going to try it for real.
No more computer genie stuff.

Isn't that great?

BOTH:
Great.

- Lisa, we got to talk.
- Yes, we do.

And Lisa wants to hear
everything you have to say

but first you have
to help me find an apartment.

What does "FP WD LL" stand for?

Fireplace, washer/dryer,
lava lamp.

Oh, that sounds nice.

Lisa...

You have to go back
into the computer.

[ makes buzzer sound ]
Sorry. Wrong answer.

How are you going
to survive on your own?

You can't zap up food.

And how are you going
to pay your rent?

Wow. You're right.

What was I thinking?
I need a job first.

Jobs. Jobs... "pastry chef."

Lisa, you don't know
anything about living alone.

I won't be alone.
Steve's my boyfriend now.

Now I'm completely relieved.

Lis, you can't just jump
in the real world like this.

You're not ready.
It's too big a step.

I'm doing it.

Then we're coming with you.

That's it.
We'll all move in together.

It'll be great.

We can hang out live
by our own rules, carpool.

That sounds great, Gary,
but I have to do this on my own.

I finally had a taste of what's
it like to be human and I like it.

I like getting dressed
and buying things.

And I like being in love
and I like doing things

for myself without the magic.

I need to do this.

- Will we still be able to see you?
- Of course.

Hey, come over to Steve's place
tomorrow night.

I'll make dinner.

it'll just be you two,
me and Steve.

Don't worry.

I'll make a great human.

I've had great teachers.

Uh-oh.

Okay, it may not be exactly right
but it's the first time

I've ever tried anything
without, you know...

help.

- What is it?
- I kind of improvised.

See if you can tell.

- I'm getting... fish?
- Licorice.

Some kind of paint.

It's chicken.

- It's great
- You're great.

Honey, would you mind
getting me a beer?

Cooking's one of those things
you either do

and do it well
or she could care less.

- You guys cook?
- Not professionally.

I probably shouldn't be
telling you this

but Lila, my ex, now,
she was a great cook.

There would be something
different every night--

pot roast, homemade
pasta, lamb...

I saw a pasta dish
I wanted to try.

Honey, I'm not finished.

Fish, beef, salads...

beef.

Oh, she could cook.
Did I tell you I have an interview?

That was the great
thing about Lila.

She didn't work so she had plenty
of time for us for the relationship.

But, hey, yeah,
everybody's different.

Lis, can I help you with the dishes?

She's pretty hot, isn't she?

So, what do you think of him?

He's a pig.

You should dump him
and come home with us.

I can't.

He's not perfect but every
relationship takes work.

I just need to try harder.

I am getting better
at being human, aren't I?

Yeah.

You're getting better.

- You wash, I'll dry?
- Huh?

Anyone up for dessert?

You don't think men
and women belong together?

I'm saying no couple
can stay together forever

- because animal instinct takes over.
- Animal instinct?

Explain this to me.

Steve, maybe we should talk
about something else.

It's like we're in this
big human jungle

and we got to keep moving meeting
other animals, mating, hunting...

k*lling the weak
and eating their flesh.

No.

- You don't get it.
- I get it.

You don't want to date
one woman.

- Steve, maybe we...
- Lila, please.

I mean, uh... Lisa.

Yikes.

Deja vu.

Why are you doing this?

If they keep fighting,
they'll break up.

Who are we to decide who
Lisa loves or doesn't?

Do you want her wasting
the rest of her life with this jerk?

Getting her heart broken?
Sleeping with him?

You know, Steve, Lisa put
this whole dinner together.

The least you could do
is thank her for it.

She knows I appreciate it.

Who's "she"? Lisa or Lila?

He's right, Steve.
You could have said something.

And my name is not Lila.
It's Lisa.

I know.
I don't want you to be Lila.

He just wants you
to cook like her.

- Stay at home like her.
- That's not true.

I'm here with you.
Yeah, but for how long?

Like you say, you got
to keep moving and hunting.

Mating.

If it's so impossible for you
to be with just one woman

maybe I should leave.

Maybe you should,
you freaky chick.

- Fine.
- Fine!

- Fine!
- Fine!

Lila looked better in
that dress than you do.

Lisa, wait.

So close.

Look, I'm sorry.

A little too late for that, buddy.

Yeah, she's not talking to you.
We are out of here.

I just get so afraid of losing you.

You're so beautiful and so smart.

I want to make it work.

Then move in with me.

If you're serious,
I'll move in tonight.

I am very serious.

I've never been
more serious with anyone.

I want to be with you forever.

[ knocking ]

Hello?

Lila?
What are you doing here?

Steve, I had to see you again.

- Who's this?
- Nobody. Nothing.

What?

I came to give you another chance
but if you're with someone...

Me? I don't even know her.

She's wearing my dress
and my shoes.

She is?

Oh, wait.
It's so clear to me now.

I've just been making her
a substitute for you--

a shoddy replacement that
I tried to dress up like you

in a sad attempt to fill
my empty, aching heart.

You're full of crap.

No, it's true.
I'm begging you here.

You're the only woman for me.
She means nothing to me.

Nothing personal, baby.

Lila! wait!

Wait for me!

- Welcome to the human race.
- I want to be a magic genie again.

It's all gone.

Chett!

- What?
- Valadja wants more chocolate sauce.

You know, I'm starting to think
that this whole Bulgarian Circus

thing is just one big joke on me.

No joke. Friends hungry.

Be right back.

Don't you have more fun
here with us?

Yeah, but someday
I may want to try it again--

living on my own.
But not yet.

Whatever you want, Lis,
we'll always be here.

And we promise not to freak out.

You got to live your life.

We got to live ours.
You can have yours.

I like being a genie.

Beverage, madame?