03x16 - Dead Can Dance

[bunniefuu]

This little seance isn't going
to freak you girls out.

- Nah, I think it's cool.
- I like to be scared.

Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on.

Good answer because Wyatt's
house is really haunted.

- Yeah, right.
- It's te.

You've got your occasional
chair stacking, floating beds

- walls that sweat blood.
- You, uh, learn to live with it.

Wy, you want to bring out
our surprise guest?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present
to you, the Great Madam Bongovich!

[ clapping ]

The spirits, they are restless.
Many are eager to cross over.

Who do you wish me to contact?

[ screaming ]

[ eerie howling and screaming ]

There's a chance this was a bad idea.

I sense an evil presence has joined us.

I can smell the stink of
its foul putrid flesh.

Speak, o stinky one!

- Bite me.
- [ screaming ]

[ laughing ]

Get lost, Chett.
This is a serious seance.

Sure, you gutless wienie.
All you have to do is wrap

a towel around your head
and talk to a paperweight

- and hell reaches out to grab you.
- I'd be careful with that.

Cut it out. That's dangerous.

Too bad it ain't a real crystal ball.

It could show me a member of
my family with some real huevos.

Uh-oh.

- What the hell...?
- [ wailing ]

- [ snorting ]
- [ all screaming ]

See you guys.

- Thanks for coming.
- [ door closes ]

What's going on?
Who's the big freak upstairs?

Chett wanted to meet
someone in his family.

The crystal ball must have
opened up a hole in time

and sucked the big guy through.

If I'm reading this right,
his name is Baldash

and he's from way down... here.
12 century.

One of the first Donnellys in the clan.

We left Chett alone with him.
He could be in serious danger.

The varmint's own skin
made us a grand sail.

We sewed it together hoisted
it up and were carried

all the way back to the
home port by the breeze.

That... is the coolest.

I don't know how you got here or
why. I hope you can stick around.

- What's going on?
- You must be Wyatt.

I was just telling the tale
of how we bested our enemies

- off the Coast of Gaul.
- Tell me another one,

great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great Uncle Baldash.

You come from a mighty line
of warriors, cousins.

The Donnellys are a proud and noble family.

We fight for what is right
and we twist the limbs of

- our enemies like twigs from a tree!
- All right.

But... I've talked too much.

Tell me, how does a Donnelly
from the 20th Century amuse

- himself between bloody battles?
- Come on, I'll show you.

Ha.

- Thanks a lot, Madam Bongovich.
- I didn't invite him.

Chett did. Besides,
he's your lunatic relative.

I thank you for the costume.

I believe it has aided
in my scamming for babes.

Yeah, it's "No shirt, no service" in here.

Aw! There are so few pleasures
of the flesh in your time.

No, it's okay. We have TV now.

BALDASH: A device that brings
women into your house?

- Now, that is magic.
- Well, they're not real.

- They're... pictures.
- Pictures?

But only cowards and
those with weeping sores

must do without the
company of real women.

Yeah. You said that.

Yeah, this black soup makes
me feel like I could lay siege

to a hundred castles right now!

Mochachinos are a head trip,
aren't they?

A brave heart and a full bladder
is a strange combination indeed.

But come, let us see more of this world.

We have many adventures
before we sleep.

[ Baldash yelling ]

Here's one for you.

Aye.

Ahh...

Aye. So, when do I call
out the word "shotgun"?

Before I have drunken the ale or after?

Doesn't matter.
Either way you get pretty buzzed.

Oy, you're breaking her.

Get out of here.

Grab the pig.

He's a poor pisser.

- Prepare to meet your maker, Knave.
- Make my day, cheese-ball.

I'll make it your last,
you dog-earred ruffian!

Skanky, buttheaded stink-wad!
Unmuzzled, bunchbacked maltworm!

- Scuzzbucket!
- Hedepig!

Sewer-sucking, fatheaded,
momma-loving pus bag!

[ yelling ]

You're quite the wordsmith.
'Tis a family trait, you know.

They say a Donnelly's insult
wounds like a dagger to the heart.

Hey, you big jerks.

- Mom always said he was adopted.
- [ boisterous laughter ]

You're both hee-laous.
Maybe it's okay to smash

mailboxes trample flower
gardens and spray-paint house

pets in the 12th Century,
but it happens to be ill*gal now.

Master Wyatt, I am teaching your
brother the ways of your ancestors.

Would you not like to learn
to be a warrior as well?

Thanks. I'll pass.

Perhaps you're better suited to
be a monk my soft-skinned fellow.

- A what?
- A monk.

One who fears battle and
has a knowledge of books

- and letters and takes a vow of celibacy.
- Bingo.

It's time to lay waste
to the neighboring castles.

Show me again your weapon of choice.

We call it TP and it inflicts great
humiliation on its victims.

Most excelle.

Should we not dip it in oil
and set it aflame as well?

Well, I tried that once and
the Pattersons really freaked out.

[ boisterous laughter ]

I'm not a monk!

I go on plenty of dates and
I'd like to see you play me at risk.

Then we'll see who the
Ruthless Tyrant is. Ha!

My brother is bonding with attila the hun.

Sounds like someone's jealous.

Maybe. I've known Chett all my
life and I've never gotten along

with him half as well as Baldash.

He's a fun guy once you
get past that wet-dog smell.

- You might learn something from him.
- Yeah.

Why not go forth and frolic
your brains out just for kicks?

All right.

He can stay tonight but no
more neighborhood rampages.

We're staying I.
Maybe rent a movie.

A nice, quiet evening at home.

Dance contest!

[ "You Never Can Tell"
by Chuck Berry playing ]

Guys, look!

Hygelac!

What brings you here?

My Lord, you must return
to Donnelly Castle.

Grondin and his men are
preparing to attack.

- How close are they to the gates?
- [ hiccups ]

Pretty close.

I must go at once.

Wait.

I'm going with you.

That would make me proud.

Oh, give me a break.

As usual, you have no clue
what you're getting yourself into.

Yeah, and as usual, you're a wimp
when it comes to doing your duty.

What do I owe some 500-years-old
guy with bad breath?

He's your family. You may not think

Uncle Baldash has good manners
but he made this family.

He cares about the Donnelly
name and he'll fight to defend it.

Will you?

I didn't think so.

Come. Time is short.

I'm out of here, bro.

Duty.

Soon the cursed armies of
Grondin will be upon us.

So take up your swords fix
the look of death in your eyes

- and the taste of blood upon your tongue!
- [ cheering ]

Tie up your boots.

You don't want to trip.

My heart sings, Chett
at the thought of you

and I marching into battle side by side.

- You give me great pride.
- Thanks, Uncle B.

I can't wait to use some of
those moves you taught me.

Hey, guys. Look at me!
I'm a princess.

Trapped in the tower by an
awful king and his handsome knight.

- Who will save me?
- What is this, a monk costume?

- I'm a monk?!
- I think "Friar Wyatt" has a nice ring to it.

I wouldn't talk-- fool.

There's Chett.

There's an extra mattress
in the wine cellar.

What do you say, Wench?
Me and you?

I say, call me when you
get out of charm school, pig.

And I'm not a wench. I'm a princess.

Wyatt. You've come to fight?

- I came to bring Chett home.
- What are you, my mommie?

- Forget it. I'm staying.
- You can't.

- If you stay, you'll die.
- Hey, I belong here, okay?

With real men. Manly men.
Men who know the art of warfare.

Men who aren't afraid to
die a slow and painful death

- at the end of bloody sword!
- [ grumbling ]

He's just excited, lads.
Don't pay him any mind.

You're not a medieval knight, Chett.
You're a slacker

who lives with his parents
and reads highlights magazine.

Now, come on. Let's go.

Forget it.

- Baldash.
- Grondin, my old friend.

I will be a special pleasure tose
your head on the end of my blade.

[ laughing ]

Just like a Donnelly to bray like an a*s.

I'll show you what a Donnelly's
capable of you scurvy little tick!

- Do your worst.
- Do the death!

Right? Aye, very good.

- Do the death!
- Do the death!

[ yelling ]

This is insane. They'll k*ll each other.

Here's an idea--

Let's get the hell out.
[ laughing ]

- Sing me a song, fool.
- Take a hike, fatso.

- I said I'd like a song.
- A song it is.

I got to stop this.

Everyone!
Throw down your weapon!

- No one is going to fight!
- Out of the way, monk.

- This is not your place, Wyatt.
- No!

You guys are about to slaughter
each other and for no reason.

- It's stupid. We have our reason.
- That's right.

This Ballbag's father
brought forth his armies

to wipe out the forbearers
of the Donnelly clan.

After your family conquered
the field of Aubergone.

Really? Yes. I've always
wanted to but I was unable.

- Allergies.
- Aw... but somebody did!

- You must pay the price!
- k*ll 'em all!

No! Stop!

Geeze. Try to evolve a little, will you?

Now!
We were on to something here.

Let's just keep talking.
Grondin, you go first.

- What do you remember exactly?
- Well, my grandfather told me

about a man who used to
make cheese in his village...

...and I believe that was somewhere
near the poppy fields of Norwich.

If I'm correct. Yes!
I remember now.

I had sinus trouble at summer.

So, basically... you're upset
because some guy

a million years ago who might
be related to him took a whiz in

some creek that ran through land
you may or may not have owned?

Well... yes.
But legend has it that the creek

turned an emerald green and
stank most foul for days.

I must admit my people
were quite fond of asparagus.

See, if you just sit down and open
an honest dialogue no one has to die.

- Then we marched here for nothing?
- Exactly.

That's no fun.

MAN: Why don't you fight
each other to the death?

- Who dares speak out of turn?!
- Bring him forward!

We'll k*ll him.

Why don't you each pick a
warrior to fight for you?

Your lives will be spared and
you'll still get a decent fight.

There's wisdom in his words.
Great wisdom indeed.

When this hour is up
we'll make our choice.

Talk amongst yourselves.

You bonehead.
They were making peace!

Forgive me for being a Al Donnelly, okay?

I don't "share my feelings"
to solve every problem.

- I fight for what I believe in.
- What are you doing?

I'm getting ready.
Uncle Baldash to going to pick me.

- He said that?
- He'll pick me.

- So, dost thou cometh here often?
- You're kidding me, right?

Why wouldst I kiddeth thou?
One so lovely and fair,

- much like a princess.
- A princess?

- You really think so?
- I speaketh the truth.

Say, wouldst thou care
to see the holy grail?

Get out of here.
You have the holy grail?

- The holy grail?
- Come.

Allow me to escort thee
to my chamber of wonders.

# 88 bottles of beer on the wall #
# 88 bottles of beer #

# One of those bottles
should happen to fall... #

- Uh... 16?
- Close enough.

# 16 bottles of beer on the wall. #

The time has come.
Grondin, make your choice.

My designated warrior shall be...

Hemet.

Very well. My designated
warrior shall be...

- I'm going to get medieval on his a*s.
- Don't do it.

You're going to be his lunch.

Wyatt!

What?!

I'll be with you in just a sec.

What are you thinking?
He's a building with shoes!

I'll fight him. I'll do it.

No. No, Chett, my word is law.

Wyatt shall have the honor
of defending the Donnelly name.

Might as well change the
Donnelly name to "Dog Meat."

Enough talk! Fight!

[ screaming ]

[ yelling ]

I'm out of here.

- Why did you pick him over me?
- Have faith, Chett.

I feel the warrior within
him will soon awaken.

[ yelling ]

- Lisa, help! Lisa!
- I could be wrong.

Hey, what are you trying to pull?
This is no holy grail.

So... sueth me.

The important thing is,
here we are, all alone.

Perhaps thou wouldst
desire to lay with me

upon yonder cot and sire a young...

That's no way to treat a princess.

- Get him, Wyatt! Get him!
- Coward.

He truly is a Donnelly.

Okay. Now I'm getting nervous.

Hey, Hemet!

You hear about the guy
with a duck on his head?

The doctor says, "Can I help you?"

The duck says, "Yeah,
get this guy off my a*s."

[ laughing ]

[ choking ]

Or the two peanuts
walking down the street?

One of them was assaulted.
Get it? "A salted"?

[ choking ]

Finish him off.

[ gasping ]

[ roaring ]

Hang on, Wy-- I'm coming!

Victory is ours!

[ cheering ]

Don't let the gate hit
you on the way out.

- We'll be back.
- And the Donnellys will be waiting!

Wyatt. You've shown me
cunnings of a different nature.

You make me proud to be a Donnelly.

Come!
Let us partake of wine and goats!

You done good, bro.
I didn't think you could do it.

- You made me proud.
- Thanks. You too.

- So, care to help me gut a goat?
- Sure.

- But I get the entrails.
- You always get the entrails.

# Here's a story #

# 'Bout a man named Brady #

# Who was living with
three boys of his own #

# They were four men living all together #

# And they were all alone #

# Ba-da ba-da bum-bum. #

[ laughing ] You're very good.