01x11 - Sheet Shock

[bunniefuu]

Mark, a soft
pretzel is not dinner.

That's dessert.

No, David,

the cinnamon sugar
soft pretzel is dessert,

but the cheese pretzel
can absolutely be dinner.

It's got no nutritional value.

- Neither does lettuce, David.

No thanks, pal. I'm good.

Huh?

I'm not here to sign up
for the Marines.

Yeah, I didn't ask you.

Yeah, but you were gonna ask me.
You were thinking about it.

Actually, I wasn't.

Oh please. I see
you sizing me up,

thinking "That guy's
officer material."

And I get it, I mean
I'm flattered, okay,

but I'm good. Seriously.

Yeah with all due respect,

I don't think you
got what it takes.

Oh yeah?
And what gives you that idea?

Because you're
fat and you're old

and you've got cheese
sauce on your face?

Okay, pfft.
And you're the expert?

I'm a Navy Seal.

Oh wow, I did BUDS.

I carried some logs on a beach

and then I tied
a knot in a pool.

Get outta here dude.

BUDS is the most challenging
military training in the world.

You think you can handle that?

What are you,

probably 200 lbs?

Yeah, but it's what's
in here that counts.

What's that?
A couple of soft pretzels?

Yo give me that sign up sheet.

You're gonna be
feeling pretty silly

when I'm back
here in a few weeks

with a beret greener
than Kermit's a*s.

Yeah that's the
Army Special Forces.

You a writer?

I am actually,
how 'd you know?

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Well, I used to work
at a hot dog factory. ♪

♪ Until them
robots came along. ♪

♪ And now
there is no job for me ♪

♪ But I get 3,000
bucks a month ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI

♪ Now we're
Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not
sound like much. ♪

♪ But we're
still gonna try ♪

♪ We're just
Universal Basic Guys ♪

Argh...Mark...

Hey hun.

You said you'd make the bed.

Uh, actually I said I'd
think about making the bed

and I thought about it
and I've decided that making

the bed is a waste of time

because you're just
gonna mess it up again.

It's not about the bed.
It's about the gesture.

This is a shared space,
and I'd like it to look nice.

Sorry, Tam. I can't.

Hank and I are flying out
to San Diego to start BUDS.

When I get back

you're gonna be
married to a Navy Seal.

Oh nice.
What's his name?

Mark Hoagies.

But they're gonna probably
call me Eagle Eye or something.

I'm gonna be a sn*per.

Or I'm gonna be one
of the guys, you know,

that explodes the doors. Pow!

Okay, Rambo.

Well, Navy Seals
can still make a bed.

Wish I could, Tam,

but my country needs me.

Paperwork in your right hand.

Bags in your left.

Line up shoulder-to-shoulder.

Now! Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Oh man, this is
classic, right Hank?

Ha, ha...Classic.

Yo, I bet he's gonna
like call us "maggots."

I am Chief Petty
Officer Phillips.

From this point on you will
refer to me as "Chief."

You will also respond
with "aye" instead of yes.

Is that clear?

Aye Chief!

Sir Yes Sir! Crap. Aye Chief!

Yo, you see that bell, Hank?

That's the “Quitters Bell ”.
No way I'm ringing that thing.

Here we go.

Take off those
sunglasses, maggot.

- Classic.

Hey!

Ah, c'mon.

Those were real Oakleys, boss.

It's Chief.

And I don't give a
crap what they were.

Okay okay. I get it.
All part of the show.

Well, Chief, bring it on.

'Cause I ain't
ringing that bell.

Oorah!

You're absolutely right;
you're never ringing that bell.

Because that bell is for
"BUDS" Navy Seal training.

You are enlisted in

“Navy Reserve
Reserves Basic Training! ”

So when you say reserve

do you mean like in
whiskey how the reserve

is the special, elite batch?

No! This is the exact
opposite of that.

Okay, well then I think
I'm in the wrong place.

Let's go Hank.

Hey!
You're not going anywhere.

You want to be in BUDS,

first you gotta make it
past “Me ”!

No problem, Chief.

[alarm beeps]

[action music]

-Hey! Hank!
-Huh?

Come on! Let's go.

[action music]

Boom, now we're in Buds.

When did you
become so patriotic?

Well I have a very
special guest coming over

and I want him to
feel comfortable.

Are you pledging a fraternity?

No, so I met this Navy
Seal and-- get this--

he wants me to
ghost write his memoir!

This could be my
American sn*per!

And you're sure
this guy's legit?

He's not just some random crazy
dude you invited into our house?

Wow, Andrea.

This man is a decorated
member of our military.

Show some respect!
-[doorbell]

Oh my god. He's here.

Out. Out. Okay, wow.

I can't be in my
own living room?

No. You're giving off some real

anti-second amendment vibes.

The chopper dropped us
about a mile from the village...

it was pretty rough terrain,

like the devil himself
had dragged a claw

across the land...

me and the boys

we had no choice,
we just pressed on,

I mean we had a job to do...

Wow. This is incredible.

And I'm sorry this was
with Seal Team Six?

No.

This was Seal Team X.

Hm. Never heard of them.

Well there's a reason for that.

Ooooh. Juicy.

Oh it gets juicier, bud.

The tribe greeted
us pretty warmly.

Simple people,
but highly intelligent.

And what tribe was this?

The Pashtuns? The Tajiks?

The Schmagegglebops.

Hm.

And what was the mission again?

There was, like,
a t*rror1st or something?

Argh, All we were told was that
this was a high value target

and to execute on sight.

Only intel we had was that
he was about 4'5" blue-skin,

big white beard with a giant
gold jewel in his forehead.

Blue skin?

So is that like a ceremonial
body paint thing?

No., no, no...

These guys are
full on blue gnomes.

Then they got this radical sect

that's trying to ethnically
cleanse the Dillydoos.

Dillydoos?

Yeah they're like these

orange fuzzy things
with googly eyes.

Poor b*stards.

Right.

Alright ladies,

hope you enjoyed
your last sleep 'til Friday.

Are you ready for the
hardest week of your life?

Oh hell yeah, Hank.
Did you hear that?

We're just in time
for Hell Week.

That's like the filet
mignon of BUDS.

Uh, whose bed is this?

Mine, Sir.

What's your name?

Hoagies, sir.

But you can call me Eagle Eye.

That is my cool sn*per name.

- You've been here
the whole time?

I don't recognize you.

- I try to make
myself invisible, sir.

It's a sn*per thing.

- How old are you?

Uh...twenty-five sir.

You're twenty-five?

Damn boy.
You grew up hard, huh?

Uh...yeah it's uh...progeria.

What the hell is that?

Genetic disease that
makes you look old, sir.

I'm sorta the GI Jane
of progeria people, sir.

Right.

First you better
make that bed, recruit.

Come on dude,
we're elite special forces.

Can't we like get the army guys
to make our beds or something?

You're not elite
special anything.

You're not even a tadpole.

Make the bed. Now.

- Ah, Yes sir.

Okay, let's see here...

Fold the sheet here.

That looks about
right. That's right, yeah?

C'mon recruit.
This is basic boot camp stuff.

Exactly!
So let's go to the beach

and lift some logs.
Come on.

Nobody leaves this bunk

until I can bounce a
quarter off your bed.

Aw damn,

that's the tightest
bed I've ever seen.

Yeah see that's no good.

Nobody actually wants
to sleep in a bed like that.

It's not fluffy enough...sir.

Recruits.
Get down and beat your faces

until Hoagies makes the bed.

[grunting]

Let's go Hoagies!

Aye sir.

Okay, uhhhh.

Just missed breakfast, boys.
We'll stay as long as it takes.

Okay, come on.

I wanna see hospital corners!

Come on, Hoagies.

You're really letting your
brothers down, Hoagies.

Relax, okay.

I'm working on it.

Alright, give me some space.
Just give me some space.

[shouting]

You're all over me!

You guys are all over me.

Just get off!

[ding, ding, ding]

I wanna go home.

I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.

Well, I'll be damned.

Mark?

Back already, eh?

Missed you so much.

How was it?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Right. Well,
I'm gonna go to work.

I'll let you do your thing.

Mark?

What's up?

I said I'm gonna go to work.

I assume you'll be getting
into your next silly thing.

Buying a jackhammer
or a snowmobile

or something stupid...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackmobile.

Snowhammer. Yeah. Got it.

You getting in, or...

Yeah hon, I just...
need a second.

[alarm beeps]

[yawn]

Huh?

Hey Mark.

Did you sleep in bed last night?

No, Ma'am.
If I don't sleep in the bed

I don't gotta make the bed.

I didn't ask you
to make the bed.

You were thinking it though.

Argh...No actually, I wasn't.

Sure. Yeah, you think
I can't do it, eh?

Just like all the
rest of them. Yeah?

You think I'm too dumb?

Uh... What?

Fine. I'll make the damn bed.

You think I can't make a bed?

I can make a bed, dammit!

I ain't afraid of
damn, stupid sheets!

Okay...

well I'm going to work.

Blue people?

What're you writing
Smurfs fan fiction?

I have no idea.

He keeps calling them like

Schmagegglebops or something.

- Okay, David.

This guy is clearly crazy.
You need to end this.

You want me to tell a Navy Seal

that I'm quitting
after one session?

These guys are like
obsessed with not quitting.

Do you really want to write this
thousand page Avatar knockoff?

No, but...

you know how I am
with confrontation...

David. Enough.
Man up and end it.

Yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am.

Mark? ...Mark?

[sobbing]

I can't do it.

Oh! It's okay.

You don't have to
make the bed, Mark.

Oh! It's okay,

it's okay! Shhh.

Something happened
to me over there.

Ah...over where?

Ever since I came
back stateside, I just,

I haven't been the
same you know.

Mark, you were in
San Diego...

for a day.

Was I? Really? I just...
Sorry it all blends together.

The point is, I...

It's just really hard
for me to talk about.

You can tell me.
It's okay.

[sigh]

I was surrounded...

everyone was yelling.

It was chaos.
Sergeant's barking orders.

I see his lips moving

but...all I hear
is like...ringing.

I knew the mission,

but...the stakes were
so damn high, Tam.

It's like every time I put
the fitted sheet on a corner,

the other side would pop off.

Hold on.

Are you talking
about making a bed?

That's what this is about?

Yeah...It was horrible.

[snicker]

Oh you think it's funny?

You didn't see what I
saw over there, okay!

You don't know what it's
like being in the line of fire!

Mark hun, come on.

You're just feeling embarrassed

that you couldn't make
it through bootcamp.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing.

You're trauma-shaming me!

I thought you
supported the troops!

Pfft!

Embarrassed!?

That's ridiculous.

I'm actually proud
because I got a very serious

and heroic condition that
only brave soldiers get!

We didn't want to risk
being spotted by the birds

near the wizard school, see,

cause you know,

sometimes the birds
are actually wizard kids

doing that animal
magic or whatever.

Right.

And where was this again?

Abracadabrastan.

Abracadabrastan.

Listen,
I don't think I can do this.

Woah! What are
you talking about?

I'm giving you great material!

I know. It's just...

I thought this was gonna
be more of a memoir,

and instead you're
pitching me Stargate meets

Smurfs meets Candyland
or something, you know?

I'm telling you.
I was there, man.

I got notes! Pages of notes!

This stuff is as
real as it gets!

I know, I'm sure!

Listen, I can recommend
a really good therapist if--

Hey man! I'm not crazy!

I need you to tell my story!

Well I can't write it
if I don't believe it.

Well then, I'll show you.

You're coming on a ride along.

Yeah, I don't know if I
have time for a ride along...

Alright sure! Sounds great.

Yo one more...

We're closing, friend.

Last call was
thirty minutes ago.

C'mon dude. I got PTSD.

You look like you've
had a long day.

Maybe it's time to go to bed.

What did you say to me?

- Nothing.

I just said maybe it's time
for bed. That's all.

Hey, man. It's okay.
He didn't mean any harm.

You're a Seal, huh?

I don't really like
to talk about it.

Hey man, I get it.

The name's Arnold.

What's up dude.
Eagle Eye.

Eagle Eye.
Cool name.

I had a feeling
you was a sn*per.

Oh yeah?
Do I give off sn*per vibes?

Big time.
I bet you seen some stuff.

Oh dude.
You don't even know, okay.

I got crazy PTSD actually.

Proud of you, man.

Not easy sharing our pain

but it's the first step
towards feeling whole again.

So what's the second step?

For some, it's about moving on
with life.

Finding joy in
family or whatever.

But for other men,

the few,

the rare spartan
breed of iron-hearted,

pain-guzzling sickos,

there's only one way forward...

and that's by going
right back into hell,

the only forge hot
enough to reshape us.

Damn dude. That's no joke.

So, you tell me.

What kind of man
are you, Eagle Eye?

Uh...I'm gonna go
with the second one.

That sounded like the cool one.

That's what I thought.

What's this?

- An address.

Tomorrow night. 9pm.

So the rainbow-cano's in Nevada?

Are you sure you 're not
thinking of Las Vegas?

Nah.
This definitely ain't Vegas.

Woah!

Space gate? Seal
Team X operator code

alpha two niner requesting
permission to enter.

Uh. Permission granted.

Alright hold on to your helmet.

It's about to get weird.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

[dramatic music]

Oh my god!

Are we dead?

Nah, man.

You just traveled
through a wormhole.

Holy crap.

[dramatic music]

You see that building
at your three o'clock?

That's the Wizard school.

Woah!
That's a real wizard student!

So, believe me now?

Oh yes! I am sorry
I ever doubted you!

Well, good.

We should probably
head back though

before the wizzies alert
the Shmagegglebops.

You mean those
little guys right there?

Wait what?

Oh crap.

Time to go. Brace yourself.

Wait what's the matter?
They're adorable.

No. They're hostile.

m*ssile! Incoming!
[boom]

Oh damnit,

brace for impact!
We're going down!

Oh my god! Woah woah woah woah!

Well, look who showed up.

Yo, nice warehouse, dude,
classic.

Eagle Eye, meet
"The Expandables."

These guys are all
ex-special forces, like you.

Live on beer, gear,
and kickin' a*s.

Damn these guys are no joke.

Oh. You ain't seen nothing yet.

Wait til you meet the new guy.

Goes by the name "Braindead."

Psycho graduated
BUDS in four days,

and never once stopped smiling.

Ah. Here he is now.

Hank?

Oh hey Mark!

You missed Hell Week.
It was super fun.

We played in the water.
We ran around on the beach.

And get this, no bed time!

- Ride's here.

Where we headed?

Rescue Mission.

Abracadabrastan.

Yoooo. That guy!

Ooh,
wait 'til this dude sees

who's rescuing his a*s.
This is gonna be classic!

Please don't k*ll me!

[growling]

Calm yourself.
We are a peaceful people.

Don't trust anything he says.

[bang]

Well, if you're so peaceful,
why did he just hit my friend?

We only strike those
who attack us first.

But aren't you guys like
t*rrorists or something.

To the oppressor,

anyone who
resists is a t*rror1st.

We are merely just fighting
to preserve our way of life.

I worry that soon our culture

and rich traditions
will be no more.

Our history wiped away.
If we lose this fight,

who will tell our story?

Share our truth.

Share your truth?
Well, guess what?!

I'm a writer.

You know, I sensed that.

Listen up,

we're headed to a highly
secured compound.

Place is crawling
with hostile extremists.

This could get messy.
Let's gear up, boys.

Oooh. Love me a bit of messy.

Hey Eagle Eye, where's your kit?

Oh. Was I supposed
to bring my own?

Wasn't on the little note
you gave me at the bar there.

Take this.

Oh hell yeah.

This is just like Call of Duty.

Yo where's the thing
that like c*ck the...

I don't know about this w*nk*r.

- I looked this dude up.

And there's no trace
of any military record.

I'm telling you, he's legit.

[g*n fire]

Whoops! Sorry about that.
Somehow popped the safety off.

Yo can I get another g*n?
I think this one's a lemon.

[dramatic music]

[smack]

We're clear.

Okay boys. [beep]

Sync you're watches.
We move in two.

So Mark, you excited for your
first combat mission?

Wait what?

Yeah. Mark had some
problems making his bed

at boot camp so he quit,

but he's real good
at Call of Duty.

He's been telling porky pies.

Seal Team X?

Man, this dude couldn't even
make it through basic basic.

-Give me one good reason
-Yo, chill.

why I shouldn't split
your numpty noggin.

Because right now,
we need every man we've got.

Yeah, you know

maybe I didn't make
it through bootcamp,

but that's just
because I'm not some

mindless conformist soldier.

I am a warrior in
an army of one.

And believe me, when
a poop hits the fan,

it's Eagle Eye you want
up there in that sn*per's nest,

watching your backs.

Oh you'll be watching our backs,

just not as a sn*per.

Yo! Hey!

You take this.

Ooh. A detonator? Hell, yeah.
Let's blow some doors, dude.

It's a walkie-talkie.
You're on lookout.

You stay here and radio in

if you see any of these blue
b*stards enter the building.

Oh come on, really?

Just because I didn't make
one stupid bed in boot camp?

It ain't about the bed.

It's about the details.
It's about discipline.

It's about you showing
your teammates

that you're willing to do
the little things that in w*r,

mean the difference
between life and death.

I get that you wanna
spit lead and split heads,

but w*r ain't about
what you want to do,

it's about what your
team needs you to do,

and right now,
we need you on lookout.

So, can we count
on you, brother?

Sir, yes, sir.

- Good.

Let's roll, boys.

Your way of life
seems so...enlightened.

And so it remained
until the portal opened

and your people entered

with your large g*ns and
your loud flying machines.

They told us it was a
peace-keeping mission,

but soon we learned
why they were really here.

What!? Why?

For our natural resources.
To steal our ancient magic.

Oh, give me a break.

[smack]

I'm so sorry for what
we've done to your people.

Why didn't you tell
me the truth, Jack?

I did.
Everything I told you was true.

These aren't the
good guys, David.

-They're genocidal maniacs.
-Help meeee.

You know what, Jack?
You can find another writer

to spread your
jingoistic propaganda.

I promise to share
the real story--

the Schmagegglebop story.

Oh thanks, David.
I knew not all humans were bad.

So what was it exactly
that the military was after?

Tell me.

The life stones.

Harvested from deep
inside the rainbow-cano,

these crystals
grant their wearer

the power of invincibility.

Invincibility?

Mhm, anyone wearing this crystal

cannot be harmed.

[shots]

[clink]

Got em, we gotta go.

Oh my god. What did you do?!

Oh, hey David!

Hank?

But I thought he just said...

Yeah.

Like I told you,
they're full of crap.

[thud]!

There you go, Dilly-bros.

You're free to go.

[whimpering]

- It ain't about the bed,
it's about the discipline,

- the details...

Yo you got this, soldier...

[Radio]
It's an ambush! Take cover!

[battle in background]

Hey Mark.

- Yo Hank. Just in time.

Pretzel Boy?
Well I'll be damned.

- So much blood.

So much death.

- We gotta go, now.

Woah, woah, woah. Hold on.

You gotta check it out.
Look at the bed.

Die!

Mark, watch out!

Argh!

Damn.

That's the tightest
bed I've ever seen.

Yo I nailed it, right?

We lost everyone.

- Yeah, it's a shame,

but listen, hey, if you
want some flags folded...

I'm your guy.

Hey, uh

sorry I doubted you but if
you want to meet tomorrow

for a little writing
sesh you know...

I'm down.

I'm good.

Holy moly, Mark...

I'm impressed.
So you okay now?

I'm more than okay.
I'm proud.

Proud to serve
my beautiful wife.

Hoorah, love you babe!

Oh wow. Okay.

Well soldier,
for your next mission,

I need you to empty
the dishwasher.

[kiss]
Let's not get crazy, okay.

Blue on Blue, a navy
seal in Abracadabrastan.

Walter Isaacson?

Ah!

[crash]