It's Love I'm After (1937)

[bunniefuu]

It's Love I'm After

Los Angeles

(New Year's Eve)

Oh, my love, my wife,

death has sucked the honey

of thy breath

but had had no power yet

upon thy beauty.

Thou art not conquered.

Beauty's ensign yet is crimson

in thy lips and in thy cheeks

and death's pale flag

is not advanced there.

Ah, dear Juliet,

Why art thou yet so fair?

Shall I believe

That unsubstantial death is amorous

and that the lean

abhorred monster

keeps thee here in dark

to be his paramour?

For fear of that,

I still will stay with thee

and never from this palace

of dim night,

depart again.

Here, here will I remain

with worms,

that are thy chambermaids.

Oh, here

will I set up my everlasting rest,

and shake the yoke

of inauspicious stars

from this world-wearied flesh ...

Isn't it wonderful!

Shakespeare is so elevating.

Go back to sleep,

and don't snore.

You're disgusting,

even if you are my brother.

Arms, take your last embrace

and lips,

O ye the doors

of breath,

Seal with a righteous kiss

A dateless bargain

to engrossing death!

Your Juliet is here, my pet,

not up there in the box.

Your beautiful hen!

There they go again!

Come, bitter conduct

come, unsavory guide

Thou desperate pilot!

now at once run on

the dashing rocks

thy seasick weary bark.

Here's to my love.

O, true apothecary!

Thy drugs are quick.

Thus with a kiss ...

I die ...

I wish there were

cyanide in it.

Romeo! Alack, alack

What blood is this which stains

the stony entrance

to the sepulcher?

What mean these masterless

and gory swords

to lie discolored

by this place of peace?

Romeo! Oh, pale!

Who else?

What? Paris, too?

and steeped in blood?

Ah, what an unkind hour

Is guilty of this lamentable chance!

The lady stirs.

Oh, comfortable friar!

Where is my lord?

It's not over yet..

Well, it's over for me.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

Meet me out

in front of the theater.

Where are you, Marcia?

Go, get thee hence.

I will not away.

Take your hand away

from my face. They can't see me.

Take it away from me!

They can't see my face!

How sad!

How is it that two people in love

can be so mean to each other?

I'd better get the manager.

This promises to be a rouser.

Oh, churl,

drunk all, and left no friendly drop

to help me after?

I will kiss thy lips.

Onions again!

Haply some poison yet

doth hang on them,

Worse than onions, garlic!

I'll attend to you later, you swine!

Lead boy ... Which way?

Noises!

Then I'll be brief.

Oh, happy dagger!

This is thy sheath;

there rust,

and let me die.

Well, four tons of

gentle Juliet.

If you dare pinch me

again I'll...

Children!

Call the star.

He began it. And I have

a horrible bruise to prove it.

Basil, take your bows. Listen!

Poor deluded man!

He thinks that's for him.

Now you! Hurry!

Before they forget you, dear.

If you could read my mind,

you'd shiver.

Just what is

the matter with me?

There's nothing's the matter with you.

That's what is the matter with you.

Nothing's the matter with him.

That's what's the matter with him.

You have everything

a girl should want in dozen.

If I were 20 years younger

and knew what I know now,

I would do so

different.

There's nothing the matter with him.

That's what is the matter with him.

But there's something the matter

with all of us.

Really magnificent night, sir.

Thank you. Do you think the bard

would have been pleased?

He'd rattle his shin bones in glee, sir!

The balcony scene,

if I may so, superb!

But soft!

what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

"Ah, me?

"Speak again bright angel,

for thou art

As glorious to this night,

"being o'er my head..

- Oh no, no!

"As a winged messenger

of heaven. "

I bow to the master, sir.

Magnificent!

Our inflection, our timing,

our tone quality, sir ...

Our brandy and soda,

if you don't mind.

Oh, yes, I beg your pardon!

Who do you want to see?

I want to see you

and it's very confidential.

Could you tell me

where Mr. Underwood's

dressing room is?

- Why?

- Because ...

- First door on the left.

- Thank you.

Madeleine, I can't understand

why a man I'm so crazy about

takes such a fiendish delight

in tormenting me?

The men are undependable, Miss.

How do you know?

Just take a look at me!

-I don't think he really means it.

- No!

In a minute

he'll be tapping at that wall

and begging my forgiveness.

I will make him suffer

just a little bit.

Then I'll forgive him.

and everything will be

all right again.

Hello, how is my dear

little garlic blossom?

I can't stand it anymore.

I' m through.

You hear me? I'm through!

How modest of you

to admit that, sweetheart!

I mean with you!

This is the end, forever!

I 'll never do another play

with you again

as long as I live!

Come in!

If you change your mind,

my love, the next part I play

I'll wear a gas mask.

Anything you can use to cover

your face will be an improvement!

That is only one woman's opinion.

Well, I guess, that stopped him!

I had to come.

Who are you?

I'm nobody.

No, this is against my rules.

You are my Ideal.

Won't you sit down?

- I suppose you want my autograph? - No.

My photograph?

- No!

- What then?

I just came to tell you that

I love you.

You're conceited, overbearing and utterly hateful.

I know that means

nothing to you, but ...

A loose-living b*stard!

All that ... means a great deal to me

is that when I felt this way

I had the courage

to tell you.

I think that everyone

should act the way they feel.

Don't you?

Yes, I do, yes.

Of course a lot of people think

I am crazy. Do you?

No, a little strange, perhaps.

Any filly who goes by

will have you run after her.

Just rehearsing a new part.

I'm not really crazy,

I'm just honest.

That's why I came backstage

tonight to see you.

I thought perhaps that...

someday, when you 're

old and forgotten ...

What? Me forgotten?

When you feel that awful loneliness,

that comes to those who've been adored

and now forgotten

then, perhaps,

you'll remember tonight

and be grateful to me.

And now I've got to go.

Wait a minute!

You can't go without

telling me who you are!

I am all the women you've played to.

Ofelia going mad with unrequited love.

Lady Macbeth murdering for you.

Desdemona ...

I strangled her.

- Oh I didn't mind much. - Didn't you?

After all,

it was for love.

Tonight, when Romeo died

I wept.

Has that tongue of yours

finally fallen out of your mouth?

She's a very good actress,

isn't she!

Incredible.

Tell me something,

Did you weep for Romeo ...

or was it for me?

I don't know.

Every time you've played,

I've been out front

worshiping you ...

I felt you were there.

I don't know

what I've been worshiping ...

He doesn't answer now, Miss.

I know why.

Because he's too ashamed.

Poor boy!

I can just see him sitting in there

by himself and repenting

and too proud

to come in here.

He does love me, doesn't he?

Of course, he does!

And I love him, too!

It's a New Year's Eve

and it's a shame

to spoil it with a row.

I think I'll swallow my pride

and go in to him.

Isn't it strange?

I always felt you were there,

and yet I never saw you

until tonight, in that box.

And you'll never see me again.

Goodbye.

Wait!

Thank you so much.

Who's the young lady, sir?

There was no young lady.

What, sir?

Merely a lovely rave

who appeared from nowhere

and disappeared into nowhere.

And completely daffy.

What was that little twit here just now?

That "little twit" is doing

a school paper on Shakespeare.

She came here to do some

purely academic research.

I'm sure you raised it

for her very well, Professor...

Darling, have you ever heard

of the green-eyed monster?

Call you eager maniac

and that's to think

that I could be jealous of you?

From head to foot I'm one

quivering mass of loathing.

I shall never

speak to you again!

You come crawling on my doorstep-

I shall be out.

Definitely out.

If I am ever introduced to you,

I shall forget my breeding

long enough

to spit in your eye.

I won't even marry you!

What do you think of that?

When you leave the theater this evening,

a distasteful blotch

you will see to the left

of the stage-door

will be all that is left

of our ex-doorman.

Where is Marcia?

You're her father,

you ought to know.

There she is.

I'll get her.

Marcia, where have you been?

We've been waiting for you.

You wouldn't like to know, Henry.

Do you dream of that unfortunate actor?

I will not say anything, Henry.

Aren't you forgetting

you are engaged to me?

You really should start by

being introduced to me some time.

As the years roll on,

you'll discover that I am

the sort of person

who likes to act

the way she feels.

Well, why don't you follow him

in one of his tours?

That's not a bad idea!

Don't fight, children,

at least until after

you're happily married!

What are they fighting about?

Enjoy, and I don't think

I will come to the house party.

Happy New Year, Henry.

No one ever pays any attention

to anything I say.

Come on, Higgins.

We can't go without Henry.

Henry, climb in here.

- Happy New Year! - Henry!

What have I done

that she should be

so unreasonable?

Nothing.

Practically nothing, sir.

That woman will never know

how much I love her.

Juliet, this is your Romeo.

She does not love me anymore.

I wonder why.

Women are changeable creatures, sir.

That's the way it is with me ...

Ten minutes before

what is jestingly known

as a Happy New Year.

Down in the street below,

a great carnival of people,

happy together

and yet here,

a man,

miserably alone.

I am here, sir.

You're always here, Diggs.

Thank you, sir.

- D'you know what this is, Diggs?

- No, sir, what?

The last scene

of The Outcast.

Don't you remember, Diggs?

I'm alone.

Starving in a garret.

The Christmas carols come ringing

from the belfry

of the church next door.

Hardly that, sir.

It was Christmas, and the garret,

and you were a fugitive from justice.

Mere details. The essential is the same.

What was that line?

A marvelous line!

What ill-omen star

"What ill-omen star shone

the night of my conception?

"What flaw was

in the potter's clay

that doomed me to be different from other men?

"Why was I born

in the crowded world,

"To die alone

"And forgotten?

"Why is it

no one loves me?"

- But I love you, sir.

- Don't confuse the issue.

Am I really

such a bad fellow as she thinks?

Oh please, sir!

Don't let's go into that now!

There's loyalty for you!

And from you, Diggs,

my faithful dresser,

And I pulled you out of that

ridiculous bird act

in which you were trying

to k*ll vaudeville.

Remember my oriole, sir?

Don't change the subject.

Some people thought

I was at my best as a canary.

Take this.

Set down the score.

-Yes, sir.

To show you that there aren't

enough hairs in my head

to number the good deeds

I've done this past year.

You mean "MY" head, sir?

Don't be facetious.

First of all I want 100 points

for that benefit performance I played

and 100 points for the critic

I did not punch in the nose.

And we get at least 200 for Philadelphia.

The alderman's wife.

You can't count that.

She did not complain.

The alderman did, yes.

Have it your own way:

Philadelphia - 20.

Sorry.

Philadelphia: - 200.

And all that money

I sent my poor old uncle last year?

Canceled by your conduct

in Denver, sir.

The little darling

with the red hair and the green eyes?

What could I do, Diggs?

The little woman puss had

a very definite suggestion, sir.

Imagine escaping from Denver

in a beard!

Dallas, and Houston

and New Orleans,

our Southern swing.

I'm afraid, we add up

a bit of a bad odor, sir!

Yes, I'm afraid we do,

what a thing for a man

to wake up and realize

"Basil Underwood, you're a skunk."

Don't take it to heart, sir.

Don't defend me, Diggs.

After all, what am I?

Just the greatest actor

in the world.

Yes, but there is hope, sir,

even for us.

What hope?

This is the season for making resolutions

and turning over new leafs, sir.

I'll have to turn over

a whole public library!

You would do it,

if you try, sir.

I could, couldn't I Diggs?

And I will.

I'm gonna tell

Miss Joyce about it.

- Good.

Joyce darling, please

open the door.

I'm going to show you

a new side of me.

I've seen every side of you.

And I'm not interested in any of them.

- Did you hear that, Diggs?

- Yes, sir.

What is that?

Furniture, sir,

A barricade!

Where of a utter brutality

give me a woman!

Open that door, you wretch!

Open it!

Pound on this door!

- What are you up to?

- Never mind, just pound.

Don't tap, pound!

I'm going to open this door

if I have to pound all night!

Keep on pounding.

Keep right on knocking.

You will see how much good

it will do you!

What a beast!

I cannot do this kind of thing!

Knock your knuckles raw!

You'll never get in here again

as long as I live!

Beast!

Good evening.

How did you get in here?

Through the window.

You'll oblige me

by leaving the same way.

And I hope you trip on the sill.

Look at that furniture!

I put them here

to keep the animals out.

You can't break in here like a burglar

and start popping my furniture around!

You didn't think

I came in here

just to see you.

- Ridiculous a*s!

- But I won't be kept out by fox.

Pompous bull!

We're wallowing in the barnyard.

A Louis XIV chair!

Let Louis XIV have it!

I'll call the manager!

- I don't need any!

I'll call the police!

They'll know exactly

what to do with you.

I'll get the fire department!

-Why not ring for the Marines?

-Oh, you beast!

I don't care...

Now will you relax!

All right. That'll be all.

Thanks, Diggs.

A pretty display, I must say.

If you want to throw

anything at me again, I'll ...

And I will, too.

Happy New Year!

-Joyce!

What?

Sweetheart.

Darling.

Dearest darling.

Sweetheart.

I can't bear it.

I forgive you.

I forgive you too.

Do you really love me so much?

You are my heart and my soul.

You're all women in one

and the one woman.

I know that's the first

act of The Lovers.

But darling,

darling, say it again.

You say something nice to me.

Dearest, I think you're the lowest thing

that ever crawled,

but as long as I can reach out

and get my hands on you,

no other man will ever touch me.

- Thank you.

Your husband!

Sorry, force of habit ...

Oh, it's Diggs!

Happy New Year!

Thank you and

many of them to you both!

Thank you.

My husband.

That's an idea,

it's an inspiration!

We'll do it!

- What?

-Get married.

- Tonight!

- But marriage is such

a serious step, darling.

No! We'll drive now

to one of those

cash-and carry places.

I'm not a man who can dilly-dally.

This is something

a girl should think about and plan for.

Darling, you know perfectly well

if we ever think about it,

we'll never do it!

I don't suppose

I could be any more miserable

married to you

than the way I am.

You don't know me.

I'm a changed man.

I'll tell you all about it later.

You hear that, Diggs?

We're going to be married!

What, again, sir?

What do you mean 'again'?

We haven't been married before!

I mean planning again, sir.

At least a dozen times this past year.

I resent the implications

that exhibit our own minds.

It's just that you approached

the precipice so often, sir ...

I resent that 'precipice', Diggs.

I'm sorry, Miss, no offense intended,

it was purely a figure of speech.

I forgive you, but next time

don't think of me

as a piece of landscape.

Then you approve, Diggs?

I think you richly deserve each other, sir.

Here is to our wedding!

To our wedding!

Someone is at our door.

See who it is.

Do you think that wise?

Remember the last time.

It's probably some friend

come to share our New Year's cheer.

Or some girl

to do an academic research.

That's a wonder you consent to marry

someone you think so nastily about!

Oh darling, don't be offended!

You can't help the kind of character you are!

I can and I will.

I'll tell you all about

on the way to the minister.

He is a man, sir.

The Day of Miracles

is not over.

Change your dress, dear,

I'll soon get rid of him.

Basil, are we really serious this time?

Nothing can stop us.

Clean up your room, dear. It looks like the devil.

This is the gentleman, sir.

I thought it was someone I knew.

What can I do for you?

I'm Henry Grant. - Henry Gr...

There must be some mistake.

I know him very well,

he is an older man.

'm Henry Grant, junior.

Oh, you're young Henry?

I'm glad to meet you.

How are you?

All right, I guess.

Henry's son! Take your things off.

Come on in! Sit down

and have a drink!

I won't sit down and I don't want a drink.

What is that matter with you, my boy?

You look like the second grave-digger.

You're in a jam in the market?

I know exactly

what that feels like.

I would have jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge

in '29 if your father hadn't saved my neck.

I'd be glad to help you out.

How much have you lost?

A 104 lbs.

- English money?

- No, my girl.

Very funny.

You hear that, Diggs?

Very cleverly put, sir.

I'm sorry to hear that, Henry.

How did that happen

to a nice-looking fellow like you?

I was out of town, and

she fell in love with ...

You mean to tell me

that while your back was turned,

someone stole your girl?

- Well, of all the scurvy ticks.

Who is the rat?

- You.

Me?

Minus 200 points, sir.

- I ought to punch you in the nose!

- No, don't do anything like that ...

Because if you did

I'd have to punch you in the nose

and there would be a horrible mess.

Besides, you'll be accusing

an innocent man.

At least, I think you would.

Does she have red hair

and live in Denver? - No.

Is she a big blonde

from New Orleans named Gertrude?

- No.

Was she married to an alderman

in Philadelphia?

Certainly not!

I wonder who he

has in mind, Diggs.

Her name is Marcia West.

Do we know anyone

named Marcia West?

Not unless you have been

cheating on me, sir.

Here you are, Henry.

We don't even know your girl.

I did not say you knew each other,

I said she was in love with you.

Well, that's not my fault, is it?

Of course, you know what this is, Diggs?

No, sir. What is it?

It's "The Loving Triangle" all over again.

Of course, sir. There it is.

What is "The Loving Triangle"?

It is a play.

Henry, in the first act

I meet a girl.

I don't know who she is

or where she comes from,

but like that we are in love.

It's Venice. I'll never forget

that gondola scene ...

What was that line, Diggs?

Don't tell me,

Tell me. "Time was created ...

"to make this moment ...

for us".

"Kiss me!"

What a curtain!

Are you two gentlemen nuts?

In the second act, I'm at home.

I have a long scene with my friends.

Buddies, you know,

we were in the w*r together ...

"You saved my life.

All I ask you

is a chance to repay you".

I did not come up here

to see you act.

He tells me about his

wonderful sweetheart.

She walks in ...

You'll never guess who she is!

Who?

The girl of Venice.

"Oh David!

Fancy meeting you here! "

What a moment!

I stare at her.

I just stare at her.

There we are, Henry,

in the same situation!

What's all this got

to do with Marcia and me?

Wait! In the third act,

I sacrifice myself.

It's friendship or love,

and I choose friendship.

I deliberately set out

to disillusion this girl.

I'm a cad, I mistreat her.

I insult her family and friends.

So what does she do?

She chooses second best,

marries my friend

And they are happy ever after.

And I am left with a broken heart ...

and the universal acclaim

of the critics.

And I've got the press

to prove it!

Interesting, eh, Henry? Take this, Diggs.

Get my coat.

We've got to be going.

You know,

it might work at that.

- What might?

- What you've been telling me.

You're not proposing to make

a practical application of this story

I've just told you!

Why not?

A million reasons why not.

I'm on tour.

I've got to be

in San Francisco on Monday .

But this weekend,

I could drive you down to her place

and you could do

what you did in "The loving Triangle".

My art's for the stage.

I don't go running around

giving benefit performances.

But suppose, if I were

to offer to pay you?

Henry, don't you say things like that!

I'm beastly sorry, old boy.

Really I am.

I realize that men in my position

live by the flutters they raise

in the hearts of silly little girls

who fall in love

with the parts we play ...

and we lap up the adulation.

We don't stop to think

that we might be making a mess

of some perfectly happy lives.

Well, you're making a mess of mine all right.

You'd better do something about it right now.

Henry, I'd give my

right arm to help you,

but tonight, I've got an engagement

that's too important!

An engagement!

When the market crash caught you

did my father say to you:

Basil, old man,

"I'd give my right arm to help you,

but I've got an engagement"?

- No, he didn't.

- Why can't you put your date off?

- I had put it off in the past and...

- Don't do it, sir.

No, Henry, I can't.

And it's final.

Haven't you one spark

of unselfishness in you?

What's that?

Don't you ever do a thing

because it's a decent thing to do?

Decent thing to do ...

I'm beginning to see something.

Don't you ever do

a thing that's generous,

if only to keep your self-respect?

I can go down tonight

and be back

first thing in the morning.

The 200 points waiting for you

if you don't.

Pack the bags Diggs.

- Sir, I beg of you.

- Don't argue with me. Just pack!

This is where I

turn over that new leaf.

I knew, we should never have

started that game, sir.

I'll never be able to forget you for this.

Don't be an egotist, Henry.

I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing it for myself.

You only come second.

Of course, you wouldn't

understand that.

If you're doing it for yourself

perhaps you wouldn't mind promising

not to tell her anything about this.

- Of course I won't.

You see, as far as she is concerned

we haven't even met.

Otherwise, she'd be suspicious.

Henry, don't give it another thought.

You're a saved man.

From now on I doff

the mantle of a Romeo

and assume the role of a cad.

You don't know

how much I appreciate this.

I'll wait downstairs

in the lobby for you

and drive you over. - Right!

Oh, sir! I have

the greatest misgivings

about all this, sir.

Nonsense, Diggs. This is

a golden opportunity.

It will be my moral salvation!

I want 500 points for this, Diggs.

When I think of poor

Miss Joyce in there

unsuspectingly getting ready ...

Will she love me for it!

I hope you can make her

see it in that light, sir.

What chance of happiness

have we got, if she

goes through life

thinking me man

without principle or character?

Couldn't you marry her first, sir,

and remonstrate your

reformation afterwards?

No, Diggs. I am determined

to come to her a cleansed man.

I will not have

the woman I love, married ...

to what you somewhat

indelicately referred to

as a "bad odor".

Basil, darling ... I'm ready!

Are we going to tell her, sir?

Well, the arrangement might be

a little difficult to understand

- from the feminine point of view.

- Exactly, sir.

I think in that case, I...

will sprig it

as a happy surprise.

I hope so, sir.

There you are, dear!

Here I am, darling.

Yes so you are, sweetheart.

The funniest thing, Basil, I...

I actually believe,

that I'm trembling

with excitement.

That's so nice, isn't it!

- Now Joyce...

Will you, darling? - Yes, yes.

It's the silliest thing...

I feel just like a schoolgirl.

- Joyce. - Yes, dear.

- We put this thing off ...

We were so silly, dear ...!

but that didn't make any difference.

I mean we went right on

loving each other.

Dearest, do you plan

to stand me up again?

No, certainly not, dear.

No-no.

Because tomorrow is

just as good a day, isn't it?

Basil, are you standing me up again?

No, don't get excited. You know

what it does to you ...

You thing!

You are not trouble!

Joyce, remember your glands.

If it had not been hypnotized,

I'd have known

you'd do this to me again.

You see, I've got to do

a favor for a friend.

Because I'm really doing it ...

We've got to help a friend, don't you?

Later.

Is that the same friend you

spent the night with in Chicago?

Darling, we'll be married tomorrow,

I swear.

Not to me. You won't.

Not tomorrow!

When you learn

what I've done

you'll love me all the more.

Did we fix it, sir?

Like that, Diggs.

Yes, we certainly

did fix it, sir.

Well, here we are.

I hope to heaven this thing works, Basil.

I don't know what I'll do

if it doesn't..

Don't you worry, my boy.

It's as good as

in your arms right now.

Thanks, good-bye.

Good luck.

Well, Diggs, the stage is set.

You know what to do?

I think so, sir, but

I don't like the idea.

Never mind what you like.

We are going to assail them

like pestilence in the night.

Play up to me, Diggs.

Do you mean I have

to be a pestilence, too, sir?

The perfect type for the part.

Nobody seems to be stirring, sir.

Let's encourage them.

Hello! Open up!

She propped it

just right in our ears.

We'll be back with Joyce in an hour.

I hope so, sir.

Look, sir!

What strange apparition

is coming towards us, Diggs?

Something is heard, sir.

Come on! Open up!

- Who are you?

- Opportunity.

- I want in. - I'm very sorry, Mr Tunity.

But everyone's in bed.

What? No one

to welcome me?

You hear that, Diggs?

Frightful, sir.

Do you know who I am,

my poor friend?

- I understood that...

- This is Mr. Basil Underwood!

Aren't we, sir?

Please! Everyone

is asleep.

Are you one of the

weekend guests, sir?

I'm THE weekend guest!

Nobody goes over to bed when

Basil Underwood is coming!

Come on, Diggs.

Get them up!

- Get them up!

- I dare not do that, sir.

You won't - I will!

Give me light!

Do you expect Basil Underwood

to make an entrance in the dark?

I thank you.

Flowers without odor!

Wretched dump, eh Diggs?

Quite right, sir, yes, sir.

Wretched as you say.

Reminds me, sir, very much

the Grand Central Station.

It is the Grand Central Station!

"Train platform 6

for Woggleoop bound,

"Blubalub Dillamuch

"And Umpville and West, platform 6."

Basil Underwood is here!

- How am I doing?

- Fair to middling, sir.

- Get up!

Underwood is here!

Lord, I ask please!

Not so loud.

You'll wake everybody up!

You look like a sensible man.

Mr. West will be very very angry.

What do you think I am?

My ire is consuming me.

- Your what, sir?

- My ire.

Ire, ire, ire!

- It's a fire!

Ire! Ire! Ire is consuming him!

Is there nothing

I can do to stop you?

We are here!

I know.

But why?

We're here because

we're here because ...!

Angels and ministers of grace,

defend us!

Diggs, you seen that girl?

- Yes, sir.

- Don't you remember her?

- No, sir.

Of course you do.

She is the girl who came

to see me tonight in my dressing room.

The lovely rave

who appeared from nowhere.

And she is here,

here in this very house.

That girl?

Remember your resolution, sir.

Why! That would be Henry's girl.

Can you see anything burning, sir?

This isn't a fire at all,

it's Basil Underwood!

Who? Basil who?

Well, I'll be... Of all the...

It's that actor!

- Say something to him, William.

- Go out!

Go on! We don't want you here!

Roger, James, Chester, somebody!

Do something!

Boo! Skip! Get out!

- You hear that, Diggs?

- Distinctly, sir.

- I'll get the bags.

- Just a moment.

Would you mind repeating that?

With pleasure.

Get out of this house!

- Are you an actor, sir?

- Who, me?

Because if you are not,

it's a great loss to the stage!

Never in all my years in the theater

have I heard a line

given with such feeling!

Almost convinced me that you meant it.

Well, ... I did mean it!

He did mean it!

What did you mean by

inviting me to a weekend

and then going to bed?

I invited you before going to bed?

You're crazy!

But someone invited me.

Someone invited him.

Isn't it lovely!

Who did it?

Did you? Did you?

You invited yourself.

Now I remember!

It was a Miss Marcia West.

- Marcia!

Coming, Daddy!

I think this is our

exit march, sir!

Come here.

Did you invite this man here?

Why!

Why, yes, Daddy, I did! Why not?

I'm so glad you could come.

Of course you're a little late,

but I suppose you could

have a little difficulty in

getting out of the theater.

Marcia, I want you

to get this man out of here.

He's a lunatic.

Go away, Daddy, please!

But I tell you...

- Father!

Okay, I'll go away.

Come on, we'll all go

back to bed.

Don't mind, Father.

He doesn't understand.

He wouldn't, would he?

How did you find me?

No matter if you are here.

Thank you, thank you for coming.

You're quite welcome, I'm sure.

Follow me. I'll show you

to your room!

- This way out, sir.

- Don't worry, Diggs.

Tomorrow.

That will be

the test of a man, sir.

Do you think

this will suffice, sir?

Yes, I suppose

that's theatrical enough.

I only hope they don't ask for balloons!

Actors coming here.

Do you realize, William..

that if Mr. West had to work

for the money that he's spending,

this could never have happened.

It's clearly a case of

money being left to the ...!

It's time for breakfast, sir.

So it is! Come along.

Be prepared for anything.

That's right.

Two o'clock!

You see, he's really here.

Really here!

- Good-bye!

- Hello, darling, what are you doing?

I was just calling

for a few more people

for the lawn party this afternoon.

More? That's downright silly!

Maybe it's silly to you,

but we have Basil Underwood here

an honored guest.

What? That actor here?

Yes, didn't you know?

Of course, you've just arrived but...

- I invited him.

- Oh you did, did you?

- Yes, I did.

Of all the ...

What's the use of arguing?

Let's go and have breakfast.

"Every night I sleep with you

under my pillow.

"Only your picture, alas.

I love you, love you, love you. "

Is this a bug house?

- My dear!

Remember, my dear,

you are a little lady.

Don't say

everything we think.

Why?

There're a couple of crazy men

next room to me..

How do you know?

I peeped through the keyhole

I always do it.

It' very educational.

- My dear!

You know I told you

never to do a thing like that.

What did you see?

There was one man dressed

and another in his shirt ...

The dressed man, I mean,

was talking awful to the other man.

Not another word!

See you in your room

after breakfast.

I am afraid I'll have to

teach my little girl manners!

I'd put a soap in the keyhole!

"I love you passionately,

"And if you will send $ 500,

I'll love you even more. "

- Who is that from?

- That one's from a lady, sir.

They always are.

A much misunderstood lady, sir.

Yes, they always are.

Oh here's one ...

No, no more.

Thank you, Diggs..

Answer everything

in my best vein.

Very good, sir.

Now, I suppose,

we must be on with the farce.

You know your

first scene, Diggs?

- Perfect, sir.

- Good.

You know, it's too bad

it has to be she.

She's a nice girl, Diggs!

- Not too late to change our mind, sir.

- Oh yes it is!

Anything you say, sir.

A strange situation!

In order to make myself

a better man,

I have to behave

like a blackguard.

I'll work that one out

on my way to the breakfast room.

My master's compliments, sir.

What is there for breakfast?

- Well, really, I ...

A kipper?

Who is a kipper?

Did you hear what he called me?

Don't be silly, Daddy.

A kipper is a kind of fish.

What, and do you think

it makes that any better?

So I am a fish, am I?

My master said

he feels like a kipper.

So he feels like a fish?

That's better.

I should say he would feel like a fish

the way he let you c*ck to him.

Wouldn't eggs do?

We get them from

very aristocratic hens.

Aunt Ellen, when Basil Underwood

feels like a kipper, he probably

doesn't feel like an egg,

even an aristocratic one.

I suppose eggs

will have to suffice.

Eggs then and

a bottle of Scotch.

- For breakfast?

- And one for lunch.

No kippers, ha.

And one thing more:

Mr Underwood gives

no autographs on Sundays.

Did you ever hear

anything like that? Hey, you listen! Hear!

I never heard of such disgraceful conduct!

Good work, old man!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Thanks a lot.

I told him a thing or two.

Good morning, Mr Underwood.

I think you're wonderful.

Mr Underwood, sir!

Yes, Diggs. What is it?

- No kippers.

- What?

No kippers. - What, no kippers?

- No. - Disgraceful!

Am I to understand

that we are kipper-less?

We have eggs.

We have kippers.

Good morning!

- How did you sleep?

- Not at all. Someone snored.

- Oh, who?

- I don't know.

Maybe it was I.

Your kipper will be involved

in whatever you do with them.

Meanwhile you're waiting, won't you meet these nice people

that you also saw last night

but I forgot to introduce them.

This is my fia... A friend of mine,

Henry Grant. -Basil Underwood.

- How do you do?

- Hi.

This is aunt Paysley.

- Mr Underwood! That hand! That hand!

- What's the matter with it?

Look at that heart line.

That Mount of Venus!

You'll be married once.

Heaven help the poor woman.

The lucky thing!

Mr. Underwood hasn't

time for this now.

Oh, Mr. Underwood,

We're soul spirits!

I once met Sir Henry Irving,

a great actor.

Well, that's your opinion.

Do come here, please.

I want you to meet Mrs. Kane.

My friends

call me "Sugar".

How sweet of them!

- Miss Kane. - I know you:

you wore blue spotted shorts!

Are there no reformatories in California?

This is Mr. Babson

of the Babson Can Company.

Glad to meet you, babes.

Please call me "Kid".

And this is Mrs Babson.

I recognize the grip.

And Mr. Hinkle of Amalgamated Utilities,

and Mr. Kane of Kane Chemicals.

Assorted guests from Dun and Bradsteet!

Where's my kipper?

Ah, there you are!

I've been thinking

about what you said

over my being an actor.

You call this kipper?

Taste it.

What's this?

Who brought it?

It is burned,

and so is all the meat.

What dogs is this? Where is

the rascal cook?

How durst, you villains,

bring it from the dressers and serve it thus

to me who love it not!

There, take it to you!

With trenchers, cups and all!

Father, it's Petruchio!

"The Taming of the Shrew!"

- I tell thee, Kate ...

- My name is Ella.

That was burned ... and dried away.

And I expressly am forbid to touch it ...

For it engenders choler, planteth anger;

and better 'twere that both of us did fast!

Since of ourselves,

ourselves are choleric ...

than feed it

with such over-roasted flesh!

I guess he did not like it.

Of all things I ever witnessed.

That's the most barbarian!

I'm shocked to the core.

Magnificent performance, sir.

And one that is going to get us

right back to Miss Joyce.

That is the most disgraceful manner!

I'm sorry for what happens, sweetheart,

but what can you expect?

You make me sick!

You with your steps fines!

What right have you to criticize him?

Is there any law that a man

should eat what he doesn't like?

What are manners?

Little rules for little people ...

He's too big for manners.

Genius is above trifles.

I'll go to him and apologize

for all of us.

Marcia, wait!

Basil, oh, I'm terribly embarrassed

for the behavior of our guests!

It's quite all right, my dear.

We troopers, get used to

all sorts of things.

Are you fond of horses?

In my youth,

I had a positive passion

for merry-go-round.

I ride every Sunday morning.

I'd love to have you come with me.

- Would you? - Yes.

- What's that?- What?

That little thing on your cheek.

Oh! That is a beauty mark.

Nothing of the sort.

It's a mole! Diggs!

A mole indubitably, sir.

Here is another one!

There is.

If she has two, she must have a third.

- Well, I have!

- Where? - Well,...

None of your business.

What are my daughter's moles

to you, Mr. Underwood?

Leave him alone, Daddy. Please! Go away!

Nobody ever lets me in

on anything.

I cannot abide

a woman with moles.

Get thee to a nunnery! Go!

Ah! Hamlet, Act III, Scene 1.

How can you?

You're a beast!

I hate you! I hate you!

And that's last act, last scene!

What an actor we are, sir!

Henry, I've got to thank you

for a most pleasant engagement.

A short run but smashing.

I'll never be able

to thank you enough.

No, no, it's I who should

thank you, my dear boy!

For giving me a chance

to restore my self-respect.

Oh, don't mention it!

And now, sir?

Pack the bags, Diggs.

For this relief, much thanks.

Hamlet, Act I, Scene 1.

My sweet ...

Now you know that actor

as he really is.

- And I hope you're

properly disillusioned.

- But he's right, Henry.

What's that?

He's so right.

These moles are terrible!

I never realized it before.

Don't you believe it.

They are very attractive

and I love them!

But you're no judge of beauty, Henry!

He is an expert ...

I'm going to have them removed.

What do you mean?

Cut off??

Well, I don't know the other one, but ...

These two've got

to come off!

Just because of

what that fool said?

He's not a fool, I was a fool

for behaving like a child.

It is honest, and I admire him for it.

You admire him?

Now you listen to me:

If you love me,

you leave those moles

where they are.

They are part of the girl

I'm engaged to.

Sorry, but you are not engaged

to my moles, and they're coming off.

Come on, Diggs, Miss Joyce

will be proud of us, wont' she?

I fervently hope so, sir.

We'll just be in time

for a noon wedding.

Oh, there's nothing like

a noon wedding!

Hey, Mr Actor man!

I know something

you don't know!

She knows something

we don't know.

It couldn't be anything important,

otherwise we'd know it.

Where are you going?

To a desert island where

there are no dear little children.

You'll never guess what

she's going to do.

She's gonna cut off her moles.

- What? - Yes.

Two of them, anyway.

She hasn't made up her mind

about the third.

She's crazy about you!

And Henry is quite mad.

Come on, sir, remember

our noon wedding.

You don't suppose I'm aroused as

"Sap-me-again- I love- it" complex ...

I don't know what you aroused,

but you surely roused it!

Underwood, wait a minute!

I've got to talk to you!

Sorry, old boy, I've left! - Oh!

A quitter, huh?

Sticks and stones may break our bones,

but names can never hurt us, sir.

He's right, Diggs.

Well, Henry, what do you have to tell me?

-Not here. - No!

Upstairs, Diggs.

And keep your hand over the keyhole.

If you do, I'll stick a pin in it.

Wear a glove, Diggs.

If I weren't a gentleman's gentleman,

I'd be such a cad's cad.

- You. - Yes, Miss.

Where's Babson's room?

Second keyhole to the left, Miss.

I know, Henry. I made

a slight error in tactics.

I made a mistake

A small one.

Sir, let's go, before it gets any larger.

What are we going to do?

Don't be discouraged, Henry.

My repertoire isn't nearly exhausted yet.

I'm about to think of something

even more drastic.

Think of something that

doesn't work backwards this time.

- It's noon, sir, and you said ...

- Unpack the bags.

You want me

to walk out of this house

an unpurged man?

I'll gladly give you 300 points

for making the try, sir.

I refuse to cheat.

Unpack those bags!

Henry, have faith in me.

Remember, I'm doing this

for your happiness ...

and my salvation.

I hope you are sincere, that's all.

That's a nice thing

to say to me!

Gad, how that sweet child

loves me!

And how Miss Joyce,

loves us, sir!

And I love her!

- Or do I?

- Oh yes, sir!

I wonder: Marcia's

so young, so innocent ...

She fills me with a high-minded itch

to become what she supposes I am.

Would it be more correct, sir,

just to say that she

fills you with an itch?

- Diggs! - I beg your pardon,

I'm sorry, sir.

I wonder if I'm reforming

for the wrong woman?

Pasadena?

Who is calling?

Miss Joyce, I am

terribly worried.

I've got little green men

jumping around in my head

from labium to labium

and you said

you're worried.

Miss Joyce, if you love your man,

you'll come over here and

fetch him home.

Yes, I realize that.

And I don't blame you.

Mr. Basil deeply regrets

the insolence of last night.

Miss Joyce,

you've got to help him.

He's in a terrible jam!

I hope he's wallowing in

lovely green jam up to his donkey!

I hope he's in a whole

preserves' closet!

Did he say that?

Did he assure you

he really loves me?

Oh, did he say that?

Diggs, what other nice things

did he say?

Really?

What kind of trouble

is the dear boy in?

Why can't you talk?

Are you in jail again?

Oh, a house call.

What does he want me to do?

Let me think.

Do you remember the routine

we used in Detroit?

I suggest that would come in

useful right now.

What's all the mystery about?

I found out something

I think you ought to know.

Oh, what?

I'm not sure yet,

mind you, but...

I think Marcia is beginning

to fall in love with that actor.

Mr. West, you have a great mind.

Where have you been

all this time?

She's practically published it

in the newspapers!

She's even invited

all the neighbors round

to flaunt it in front of them!

You mean, everybody knows,

and I'm just ...

No one ever bothers

to tell me what's happening

under my own nose!

Excuse me, Marcia. I'd like

to talk to Mr. Underwood.

Very well.

I'll meet you over there

by that bed of flowers.

Look here. Something's

being born in my mind

and I think it's going

to turn out suspicion.

Now Henry, don't

misunderstand me.

I, too, have been puzzled

about this girl of ours. - Ours?

- Well, yours. She's a realist, Henry.

She's not going to be

taken in by any actor's tricks.

I decided the best thing to do

is to get down to earth with her

and talk to her like a father.

- What kind of father?

- A desperate father,

if you must know, Henry.

- What are you going to talk about?

- You.

- I'm going to sell you

as no man was ever sold.

- Down the river? - Oh, Henry!

John Holden,

that's what this is!!

Well, if it's John Doublefuzz

I'll punch you right in the nose.

- Basil! - Coming, coming!

Think well of me, Henry.

This means a lot

to me, too.

- Mr Underwood, sir!

Pardon my presumption

but sir, do you think you can

trust yourself alone with her?

- Well, I'm going to talk to her.

- I know sir,

I overheard, sir.

Like a father, sir. -Yes.

So many times when you start

talking like a father you end up

talking like something else ...

If only you'd wait sir,

this parental chat

might not be necessary.

- Why not?

- I don't know, sir.

Something might happen.

What on earth are you

talking about?

You never can tell, sir.

Something might turn up!

I've thought this thing out.

This is the only thing to do.

- Let me go with you, sir.

- No. It's only family conference.

I could keep an eye on you, sir.

All right, Diggs,

if you are really fretting

just follow me.

- Thank you, sir.

- Stay out of sight.

To keep your eye on me.

Can you think of some signal

- What about one of my birds, sir?

- Excellent!

If you see me get

that much out of line, whistle!

Right, sir. How about my

wood lark or would you

prefer my bobolink?

I bow to the master, Diggs.

Thank you, sir.

You set my mind at ease.

You are worrying about nothing.

- Aren't they lovely?

- Lovely. The color of your cheeks.

Then I'll have to use them

in my wedding bouquet.

And you'll live happily ever after.

You want me to marry Henry?

Of course, I do!

Good old Henry.

I don't want to!

Henry's a very fine boy,

in his way.

Yes, but his ways are

so starchy and dull.

My dear, when you're a little older

you'll be very grateful

for somebody solid ...

that you can rely on.

But I'm young now,

and I want to be g*y

I want

to live a little.

What did you say?

- I said "phew".

I thought I heard

some fool of a bird whistle.

That's not surprising!

Come with me.

No wonder you know the birds!

No wonder!

I love birds. I collect them.

- You do?

That's a nice hobby.

I often wonder

what the birds think about it .

- I think I like the lovebirds best.

- You do?

But then, I love anything romantic.

- Don't you?

- All actors are romantics.

If they weren't

I don't suppose

they could be actors.

Tell me about yourself.

Come here. Sit down.

I want to talk to you.

Tell me all about yourself!

Now, look here, Marcia.

There really isn't much to tell.

I'm an actor.

I put on greasepaint, I play a part,

I take the greasepaint off,

I go home.

And that's all. Now I want

to tell you something.

It must be wonderful

to be adored as you are!

Romance which dies

when the theater lights go out.

You are a lonely person.

I can see that now.

Why, how observant you are!

Yes, I'm lonely. Deep in my heart

utterly utterly lonely!

It makes me want to cry!

- You're very sweet, Marcia.

- You need someone to love you.

Someone to take care of you.

Take me with you!

Marcia, I don't think I can do that.

Last time in your dressing room

I told you I did not know

who I'd been worshiping.

you or the parts you play.

Now I know.

It isn't Romeo, it's you!

Are you sure?

Or is it just some

schoolgirl infatuation

which you'll forget in two days?

Hold my hands, Basil.

Feel them trembling.

Feel my heart.

Is that puppy love as you say?

It is as real as

everything you've ever known.

And two days or two lives,

can't change anything.

Oh, my dear!

- No, it's impossible,

you're only a child.

- But I am 20.

- It's just a chemical reaction.

- No, it isn't!

You see that you're all upset!

I love you!

You don't know me as I really am.

Don't you see, I'm the only one

who really does.

You love me!

At least I don't!

I am not capable of loving

any woman for more than

a year, a month, a week!

But what a week

what a month, what a year!

What a mess!

Did you signal?

Oh Basil, why is true love so wonderful?

This is no time to ask riddles.

Don't be shy, dear.

Mercy, no!

Go right ahead!

Joyce! What a delightful surprise!

Really? I'm not surprised in the least.

- Lovely day, isn't it?

- Enchanting. The air's so clear!

- One sees such things.

- Yes, yes. A nice spot, isn't it?

Yes! Sweet place for a m*rder.

- Why, you are Joyce Arden?

- Yes, yes.

Yes, and you are the young lady

that was in Mr Underwood's

dressing room last night.

- Isn't she, Basil?

- Why, certainly.

I believe she is.

How is your research coming on, my dear?

What right has she

to talk to me like this?

Practically none.

Wives have so

few rights these days.

- Your wife?

- Why, yes, my wife.

- Wonderful!

- You're married.

Why, yes, I think...

Yes, I'm married, yes.

Miss West, this is my wife.

My dear little

faithful wife.

How do you do, Miss West.

Hasn't he told you?

But then the naughty boy never does,

you poor sweet child.

Don't you touch me!

It is wonderful!

You always rescue me

in the nick of time!

And what an idea! My wife!

How did you think of it?

Now, Joyce.

I know what you want.

You want an explanation.

And you shall have it!

You see, last night Henry came

to see me. Henry Grant.

He is the man...

Remember the man who

came to see me last night?

That was Henry! His dad and I

were great pals

devoted to one another.

Come and sit down, sweetie, come on.

Henry is engaged to a girl.

Absolutely mad about her.

Well for some reason

the silly little thing

falls in love with me!

You know how those things go.

Come on, darling, sit down.

You see, he begged me

to come down here

and disillusion her.

No decent man could refuse.

When I got here

what did I find?

She was the same girl

who was in my dressing room!

last night. Isn't that funny?

That's what I've been doing.

I've been making her

fall out of love with me.

- There you are.

- I think I'm going to scream.

No, no. There are guests here, dear.

I'm sure I'm going to scream!

Please behave yourself.

Remember your acids.

You leave my acids out of it.

Darling, look here, listen,

I've been doing it

for several reasons:

for a friend, for you,

to make myself...

- Oh well, you wouldn't

understand anyway

- I'm going. Good-bye..

You are the cause of all this!

Shut up!

- Diggs, my taxi's gone. Where is it?

- I'm sorry, let me explain.

- I said where is my taxi?

- I paid him off.

- Miss, I want you to stay.

- I'll get another one.

Joyce, please listen to me.

What am I going to do, Diggs?

Follow her, sir.

Never let her

out of your sight.

If I were the woodpecker, I'd ...

Shut up!

Basil, wait a minute!

I forgive you!

- You what? - I forgive you.

You couldn't help it

if you met her before you met me.

- Have you no shame?

- Not since you showed me

you loved me!

I don't love you,

it was purely platonic!

Not with that kiss.

It wasn't platonic.

You can't fool me!

I hate to bring the subject up,

but I'm married you know.

You've just been chivalrous

about your wife,

and I admire you for it.

You have to let me go now.

We'll discuss this later.

Have you seen a mad woman

round here somewhere?

- Which one, sir?

- I mean the lady who ...

If you mean Mrs. Underwood,

she's in your room. - Thank you.

Basil, are you trying

to get away from me

by any chance?

My dear little girl, I ...

You can't kiss me like that

and have it mean nothing!

Joyce, you open this door!

You locked the door on me last night

- a ridiculous thing like this

can't go on forever.

I agree with you.

I'm leaving just as soon

as I can get a taxi.

Joyce, I'm a desperate man.

If you don't open this door

I'll k*ll myself!

Good! Let's have blood and destruction!

Open this door or I'll do it this minute!

Wait! You should

send for your press agent

... and the photographers!

You know, we can't let

a thing like this

happen in secret!

- This is your last chance.

Will you open this door?

- No!

All right!

Then I'm reaching for my g*n.

Wait, let me see.

I think the trigger is

near the back end.

Very well, but

remember this, woman:

I die with your name

on my lips.

Goodbye, Joyce. Goodbye.

- Oh, Basil, darling!

Now listen, baby,

This is really top...

- You cad!

You can't even be on the level

about k*lling yourself!

Joyce, darling, you must believe me!

- I did this for you!

- How dare you

getting through that again?

I played in it, too,

"The Loving Triangle".

Yes, that's what it is!

Even your alibis

don't play these days!

Joyce dear, Joyce you're dead.

- Do I pack or unpack?

Neither.

Go get Mr Grant

and bring him back here at once.

Oh, you're going to grovel in apology!

Who insulted who?

Basil Underwood. He's appeared to be

a horrible creature.

- He isn't either. - Who isn't?

- Basil Underwood!

He is, too!

Oh, I give up! Marcia...

I want to speak to you.

Did you deliberately send

for his wife to come here?

- I did not. - Whose wife?

- Basil's wife. - He might.

- He couldn't very well to have a wife

to be wooing?

- Mr Henry.

Mr. Underwood urgently

wishes to see you at once, sir.

-All right.

- Why should he want

to see Henry?

Oh please, don't bother me, Father.

I'm upset enough already.

I'm going to prove to you

that you are doing me

a great injustice.

Oh Henry, come in here.

There is a little matter

I want you to settle.

My wife, bless her heart,

is a nasty suspicious female.

- Joyce, this is Mr Grant.

- How do you do?

Now Henry, is it not a fact

that the last night

you came to see me

and arrange me to come down here

and disillusion your fiancee Miss West

from her attachment to me?

You prepare to blush.

- Isn't that so, Henry? - No!

- What? - Aha!

-You mean, yes!

- There is not a word

of truth in it, Mrs Underwood.

- That's all I wanted to know.

- He's a liar!

- You mean he refused to be one.

There was another reason.

I was ashamed to tell you in the garden

but I really did this for you.

In the garden? That was for me?

I was ashamed to tell you in the garden

but I really did this for you.

In the garden? That was for me?

That was just a temporary detour.

I came down here...

To make myself a better man

for you.

That's too funny! Ha-ha-ha!

First it was for Henry, now it's for me.

Who is next, Basil?

Darling, I 'm pleading with you,

I love you, sweet!

-You've got to help me now.

- Yes?

- Basil, I'll help you.

- You will? - Yes.

This is one of the times

when I'd adore to help you!

I don't like the way

she's laughing!

Well, a fine worm you've turned out to be!

What did you expect me to say

after we agreed to keep it a secret?

That's the way

you repay a friendship?

I don't want to get about

that I need help

to keep my girl!

- Pack the bags, Diggs.

- Are you sure?

- Immediately!

What are you going to do?

We're now going home, Diggs.

We'll postpone our reforming

to some future time.

At least it will make Joyce realize

that this problem child

means nothing to me.

- But you can't go now.

She's more in love

with you than ever!

- It's your funeral.

- But you don't know her like I do.

She's liable to kick over

the traces and follow you!

Pack the... Oh you're doing it.

That's fine. Goodbye!

I'm terribly sorry

for the heart ache

I've caused you,

but it was something

beyond the control

of either Basil or myself.

- We were helpless

to fight against it.

- Yes, I understand.

- "Love swept you along

like leaves in the wind." - Yes!

Oh, I'm so glad you understand.

Are you so desperately

in love with him, my dear?

I think he's wonderful.

He's so different from other men!

He's so...

I don't think there are

words to describe him, do you?

Well, there probably are,

but one will have to have

a very extensive vocabulary.

Get me a taxi, will you? - Yes, sir.

It must be very painful to you.

You must love him too.

My feeling for him

is indescribable,

but stronger than

my love for him

is my desire

to see that the dear boy

gets what he wants.

What are you two talking about?

Oh Basil, you've married

a most marvelous woman.

She has such understanding!

I can hardly wait

to tell everybody about it!

Tell them what?

- What were you talking about?

- You.

- What about me?

- You... and love.

Why are you grinning

like a Berkshire kitten?

- Cheshire, darling.

- Well, Cheshire then.

- And I do resent being

called a cat. - I didn't.

I called you "kitten".

Well kittens turn into cats.

Never mind about that.

Why are you grinning

so maliciously?

Because I'm so happy for you.

She's such a dear sweet girl,

and she worships you.

You're going to be

ecstatically happy!

What do you mean?

You are going to vibrate

with laughter when I tell you.

Please tell me. Let me start vibrating.

It's merely that

I agreed to divorce you.

- You what?

- Agreed to divorce you.

We aren't even married.

- You see? I said I'd help you.

- Joyce dear! Please listen!

I'm eating a humble pie.

- I love to see you

eat a humble pie.

- Please!

Please don't go on with it, Joyce!

Listen my pet,

and listen carefully,

for these are probably

the last few words

I shall ever say to you.

For longer than I care to remember

you're been prancing along ...

in you g*y charming way

not giving much of a darn

of what you stepped.

There was always spring time

in your heart.

And if you pause to pluck

a few romantic posies by the pass

who was there to blame you?

- Joyce, please.

- There was always

old little Joyce ...

Obliging little Joyce

to get you out of your scrapes.

Credulous little Joyce

who believed the utterest nonsense.

Jealous little Joyce

who was a joy to torment.

Nasty-tempered little Joyce

who was fun to fight with.

Faithful little Joyce

to whom you could always come home.

Now Joyce, this isn't fair ...

But you've plucked

your last posy, my lad.

For I'm going to see that

you keep this one forever.

I'm going to to tell you exactly

what your life is going to be like.

You're going to have love for breakfast,

and love for lunch, and love for dinner.

Sweet sticky sugary worship.

You're going to live

on a steady diet of it

until you are ready to scream.

You are going to long

for a good brawl

but she won't fight.

You are going to struggle

to escape,

but she'll never let you away from her.

And it's just exactly what you deserve, you...

you billy-goat!

Joyce! Have some mercy!

You've got to save me from her!

Oh, dear Mr. West! You're

just the person I've been looking for.

- Who, me? - You!

Would you show me your garden?

And the darling aviary?

With pleasure.

I don't know why you business men

appeal to me so much.

Unless it's because

you are so different

from actors.

Well, well...

Basil! You know

what gardens are, don't you?

Wouldn't it be amusing

if I came back

as your mother-in-law? Bye!

- Diggs. - Yes, sir?

- Unpack the bags. - Yes, sir.

- Diggs, we're in a pickle.

- Oh!

If you'd only listened to me, sir, we ...

Never mind, sir.

We've been

in and out of it before.

Not this kind of a pickle ...

This is a pickle.

We've done out best

to fulfill our obligations with Mr. Henry!

I'm not thinking of Mr Henry.

I'm not even thinking of the salvation

of my immortal soul.

The things have got

far beyond that.

- Do you realize what my life

with that ingenue would be?

No, sir. What?

Love for breakfast!

Love for lunch! Love for dinner!

Oh, horrible, sir!

I've got to get rid of her

somehow,

or Ms. Joyce is through with me.

And sloppy as it sounds

I couldn't stand that.

I understand, sir.

I don't think at all

that we're nuts about the girl!

- Think, Diggs, think!

- My mind is a barren field, sir.

We've exhausted all the the possibilities

of "The Loving Triangle" and to no avail.

Be something that there must!

- There is, Diggs!

- What's that, sir?

"Alone in the City."

You're joking, sir. Not "Alone in the city!"!

- "Alone in the City," Diggs.

- But you can't ...

I must!

The last desperate remedy

for a desperate situation.

No! But she is so young,

sir, so innocent!

Exactly. She'll flee from me in terror.

This will do it, Diggs.

You can pack the bags.

I won't!

Basil! Oh, Basil!

- Would you... - No, you don't.

Now, my proud beauty!

- What are you doing?

- Don't let me frighten you, little girl!

I'm not frightened.

I just want to know what you're doing.

Some call it:

"The fate that is

worse than death."

Oh, Basil, how wonderful!

- Oh, my darling!

- Thank you very much!

Now I know you love me.

I must have picked

the wrong fate!

Where's the key?

Diggs, let me out of here, Diggs!

Mother!

This weekend is even better than

when Mr. Morley k*lled his wife!

But what are you saying, my dear?

- They are hugging and kissing and ...

- Who?

That man and your girl!

- Don't go!

- My dear girl!

Where is your sense of humor?

Don't run away, Basil!

I want to know

what happened between

you and that ham!

Now, Henry, there's nothing

to get excited about it.

If ever there was nobility

I've seen it.

Do you call that nobility - to break in here...

Here I was as weak, as water,

but he was strong.

- Strong!

- Now, there's simply no use, Henry.

The man's proven to me

that he loves me.

I can never marry you now.

- But...

- Dinner is served.

Joyce! I've got to talk to you.

Still making her

fall out of love with you, Basil?

- Yes.

- Oh, the things you do for me!

Would you please follow me?

Oh yes. I'm speaking

to practically anybody these days

and practically nobody

is speaking to me.

Oh, please, Miss Joyce!

Well ... what do you want?

Young man,

what are your intentions

concerning my daughter?

- None whatever.

- What's that? Then you'd better

get some intentions!

You can't come here and compromise her

and act as if it was

an everyday occurrence!

Look here: no one can

compromise your daughter!

It is as much as I can do

to keep her

from compromising me!

Go out of here, Papa.

I want to talk to this man.

- I'm already talking to him about Marcia.

- This is important!

Important? Well, isn't that important?

- Now run along, Dad, please.

- Not important!

I don't know what

the world's coming to.

Nothing's important anymore.

Now look here, Underwood.

I know what's you've been up to

all alone!

Well, it's more than I do now.

You're trying to steal her

away from me.

You knew how this would work.

Henry, I give you

my sacred word of honor

I've done my utmost

to give this girl back to you.

The whole thing's been

a deliberate double cross.

If that's the kind of a cad

you think I am,

may you strike me down

where I stand!

You've had your turn.

You've first been on fraud!

Now I'll do some acting!

So help me bear it!

- What happened?

- I knocked him cold.

Why, this is terrible!

He dislikes being knocked down.

Miss Paysley, let's have dinner.

Are you hurt, sir?

Diggs, will you stop making

those silly bird noises?

- You must have been reading

very bad fiction.

- Is that so?

Basil, tell her the truth!

Didn't I arrange for you

to come down here and disillusion her?

- No! - What?

I knew it!

Now you get out

of that one.

- Diggs.. -Sir, pack, sir.

Come on, Diggs.

Do a good deed daily

and sleep in the doghouse.

Before we left, sir,

I took the liberty of assuring her

of our devotion.

She said she wouldn't come back.

But there was

an unhappy look in her eyes.

- There was?

- Yes, but definitely.

I hold out very little hope, Diggs.

- Ain't you Basil Underwood? - Yes, yes.

See here. I took my wife

to see you in the "Hamlet".

And ever since I can't do

anything with her.

It's too bad!

I know that's not your fault!

You can't help if you look

that way in tights!

Oh, I suppose I can.

See, I was worn enough.

As a personal favor

you come over to my house

and help me straighten her out.

- What?

- You know, sort of cure.

- No!!

There's a heel for you!

Well, here we are.

And where are we?

It's just you and I alone together,

from now on, old fellow.

I shall do my best, sir.

I don't know what I'd do without you, Diggs.

You're too good to me, sir.

No, Diggs, I'm not

good enough for you.

Mercenary times are not

good enough for you, sir.

I wonder.

Diggs, she is here!

- Come on!- Hallow!- Don't you harm me.

Goodbye!

I knew you'd follow me here!

You stubborn girl!

Do you want

to compromise me? - Yes!

- You go right home

where you belong.

- This is where I belong.

Please! Think of what

your father will say.

Think of poor Henry!

- He's there, sir! - Who's here?

- Mr. Henry, sir.

- I've left.

- Tell him we're not at home.

He says if you don't come,

he will come in.

Oh yeah?

He's yours, Diggs.

Throw her out of the window,

put her down the fire escape ...

and unpack the bags.

Henry, if she's here,

I hope I'll drop dead on the spot!

I know that she is here.

Are you hinting that I'm a liar?

I am not hinting at anything.

I'm stating a fact.

But that's not what

I came to see you about.

Ah, isn't it?

Well, I'm glad to see you, old boy!

Underwood, a man can fight so long

and then he has to give up.

Yes, I'm beginning to come

to that bitter conclusion myself.

So I come to wish you both

the very best of luck.

Oh, Henry, I hope you don't mean

what I think you do.

She's yours, I give her to you.

- Please don't give her to me, Henry!

I don't want her!

- But she wants you!

- No Henry! Listen to me!

This is unfair.

I did this thing

as a favor to you.

I thought it was

a decent thing to do.

You can't reward me

by leaving me holding the bag.

Don't you refer to Marcia in that way!

- I thought you're in love with the girl!

- And so I am.

- Take her away, Henry!

- No, Underwood,

I love her too much!

All I want is

for her to be happy.

I couldn't marry her

with her in love with you!

I could not bear

the hurt look that would

always be in her eyes ...

Wait a minute! Stop playing my part!

I'm supposed to be

the self-sacrificing hero

in this piece!

Henry!

Do you really love me so much?

- Why, of course I do!

- Of course he does!

- You shut up!

You keep out of our affairs anyway.

She's absolutely right!

Well, I like that!

You leave Henry out of this!

I'd have have forgotten all

about you in two weeks!

I was in love with Clark Gable

and if I could forget him

it's a cinch I could get over you!

Who is Clark Gable?

He doesn't he know who Clark Gable is?

- I do. - I'm sick of being

in the middle of all this.

- I only did it because...

- I know why you did it.

I heard every word you said.

I studied psychology.

You did it because

you are an exhibitionist.

All actors are exhibitionists.

And you're just an actor!

- Just an actor!

- And not a very good one either!

My dear little ninny, we are all actors.

Henry has just played a big scene.

Shakespeare again!

Yes, a genius, who wrote many truths.

And nothing truer than

"All the world's a stage ...

and all the men and women

merely players,

"They have their exits and their entrances ...

"And one man in his time

plays many parts".

"His act be seven ages".

"At first, an infant, mewling and

puking in the nurses arms.

" Then, the whining school-boy with his satchel

And shining morning face,

"creeping like a snail

unwillingly to school.

"Then the lover, sighing like a furnace

"with a woeful ballad

made to his mistress' eyebrow.

"Then, a soldier,

full of strange oaths,

and bearded like the pard,

"Jealous of honor,

sudden, and quick in quarrel,

"seeking the bubble reputation

even in the cannon's mouth.

"And then, the justice,

with eyes severe,

and beard of formal cut,

"Full of wise saws, and modern instances,

and so he plays his part.

"The sixth scene shifts

into the lean and slippered pantaloon.

"With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,

"His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide

"For his shrunk shank,

"And his big manly voice,

turning again to a childish treble.. "

Boy what a ham!

"Last scene of all,

"That ends this strange eventful history

his second childishness

and mere oblivion

"Sans teeth, sans eyes,

"sans taste,

"sans everything."

What, no audience?

A magnificent performance, sir!

Thank you, Diggs.

Will you please

get me my bill?

I'm checking out.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Miss Arden.

Plays won't seem the same

without you.

Thank you.

Dearest, will you ever be able

to forgive me?

Darling, it's you who must forgive me.

I hate to bring you

down to earth, folks

but this is the ground floor.

- Oh, hallow, Mrs Underwood. - Well, hallow.

Have you two ...

- Yes, we have.

- Yes, we have.

You can have

your husband back now, Mrs. Underwood.

But though how you can endure him

is beyond me.

But of all the impertinent,

conceited ...

Now, now, darling, remember

he was on the level

about getting us back together again.

Don't be silly, Henry!

All this stuff you've been

telling me about his ...

doing you a good turn

and making himself a better man,

is fantastic nonsense.

I never want

to hear his name again.

You're a very sweet person,

Mrs. Underwood, and believe me,

- You have all my sympathy.

- Thank you!

-Good-bye! - Good-bye! - Good-bye.

You know, Diggs?

The gloomy conviction

is settling upon me ...

that I was a far happier man

before I became a reformed character.

That gives me a satisfaction of

knowing the day of the man, sir.

You're on the credit side of the ledger, sir.

- That's no satisfaction at all.

- Yes, sir.

But before you started

this moral reformation

you may have been

a bit of a bad odor.

Now, you have a perfume as sweet

as the lilies of the field.

And who wants to smell me?

Yes, you have made there, sir.

Diggs, my boy, Miss Joyce and I

may have had our little difference

perhaps eight or nine a month,

But in the main,

we were happy.

Do you realize that this silly business

has lost me the one woman

in the whole c*ck-eyed world

..that I can't live without. - Basil!

- Joyce!

- No! Don't move!

- Just let me look at you.

- What is it, darling?

There's something about you

that is so different.

I don't know what it is, but

you seem like a new man.

- You can see it?

- Yes, I can, really I can.

And I thought it was all inside.

No. Of course, maybe it's just the lighting,

but there seems to be a halo

round your head.

And I did it all for you.

-Sweetheart! - Darling!

- Pack the bags, Diggs. - What, sir?

- Pack your bags.

- What, again, sir?

Yes, we're flying to Las Vegas

- to get married.

- But you don't need clothes

to get married.

Pack the bags!

But perhaps Diggs doesn't feel

like packing the bags.

Don't do it, Diggs!

I tell you not to interfere!

Go on, pack the bags!

- Maybe he's tired.

- So am I.

Everyone has a limit.

Yes, it appears you don't

remember that sometimes.

That's a fine way to talk to me!

- All right, don't get excited!

- I am not excited!

After all, Washington did

freed the sl*ves.

What's that got to do with it?

I give the orders because

I pay the man his salary!

Yes! Only a meager one to owe me a pip!

Money again,

you mercenary little biddy !

On the contrary,

I'm a stone of generosity!

Diggs, your salary is doubled .

Diggs, your salary

is cut in half!

Oh! You are the meanest

the most contemptible man

I ever married!

What did you say?

-Darling! - My sweet!

This is the life, Diggs!

I wouldn't know, sir.