01x04 - The 6th Teat of Good Intentions

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: fate.

Destiny.

Fatestinaty.

People toss those words around

Like tennis ba*ls.

Well, I eat ba*ls for breakfast.

I know my purpose is righting

Wrongs.

I'm the wrong-righter, but I

Don't need you to call me that.

I have special needs.

Just call me

Snake hand, this sign -- it's

Some sort ofsign.

Mayhaps this strange town shall

House my rebirthening, and I'll

Finally find the sad soul I'm

Fatestinated to salve.

[ Mumbles ]

The snake has just insulted

Xavier.

Xavier: snake hand, you don'

Know your a*s from your elbow.

[ Mumbles ]

The snake just said, "but my

a*s is your elbow."

[ Babies crying ]

Each of my little pumpkins

Gonna get a turn with mommy on

The slide, starting with my

Mo-o-o-o-st favorite.

Xavier: my god.

What brand of monster would

Abandon a childling?

Go on, son.

Your brand-new bike is jus

Behind that tree.

Go on.

Xavier: really?

So long, weirdo!

Xavier: dad!

[ Tires screech ]

No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Hey.

He was telling the truth.

Yummy!

Popcorn!

[ Dog barks ]

If that kind of thing had

Actually happened to me, I don'

Know what I'd do.

I'd save these poor kids is

What.

Where's my babies?

My babi-i-i-i-i-i-i-e-e-e-e-es!

Xavier: a-a-a-a-a-all right,

Kids.

We can build our new life

Together down this glorious

Hole.

Welcome home, kids.

It doesn't look like much, bu

These sewer walls were buil

With love.

You can taste it.

I'll have to be both mother and

Father to you kids, which means

I'm gonna be doing some things

To myself you're not gonna wan

To see.

And one day, you're gonna walk

In on me doing it.

The snake says, "oh, brother.

The things he makes me rub."

Jets laugh.

Xavier: chief master guru, I

Found these abandoned birdlings.

Your rescue is noble, young

One, but now you are to put them

To the fire.

Allow them to be rebirthed like

The phoenix from the flame.

While you're doing that, I go

To grab a bite.

Me need-um eat-um.

Xavier: really?

To the flame?

Okay.

[ Birds chirp ]

Your destiny is demise!

Xavier: no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Kids, I swear I'm gonna love all

Of you, and equally.

I'll be dividing my love into

Seven equal sections, or love

Quadrants.

Each quadrant will be worth 15

Love units represented by these

Small brass marbles.

You may use these marbles as

Currency amongst yourselves.

Collect 35 love units, you can

Trade those in for a beach towel

With my face on it.

Collect more than three towe--

Where are my babies?!

Xavier: what is that racket?

Where are my babies?

Where are my babies?

Where are my babies?

Xavier: keep it down, lady.

We got families around here.

Aah!

Have you seen my babies?

Xavier: I'm popping a peek a

A smokin' babe right now.

I lost seven of my babies.

Xavier: tragic.

I've got septuplets myself.

I don't know what I'd do if I

Lost them.

Good thing I'm a responsible

Parent.

[ Smack ]

You should try it sometime.

Where are my babies?

Where are my babies?

Xavier: oh, the wails of a

Victim -- almost as

Heartbreaking as the victim of a

Whale.

Sometimes I think you kids are

The only thing keeping me sane.

Now, who wants lunch?

Go on, young'uns.

Suckle at the teat of my good

Intentions.

Demang! I'm one nip short.

"I'll take care of that,"

Snake hand quipped.

Xavier: snake hand!

What are you doing?

"You're right.

It could have used some honey

Mustard," snake counters.

Xavier: spit it out, you

Animal!

[ Groans ]

[ Baby cries ]

Xavier: [ groans ]

I'll get you to puke.

Okay.

Okay.

One time, there was this really

Wrinkly old lady, and -- and she

Was really weird.

Snake says, "you're jus

Making me horny."

[ Laughter ]

Xavier: and she pulled a big

Scab from her face, and she --

She ate it.

Whoa. Sick.

Listen.

You stay away from the

Rest of my kids.

[ Mumbles ]

Snake swears that he couldn'

Help himself and assures xavier,

His noble master, that it won'

Happen again.

Xavier: well, it evens ou

The teat fight, and I have to

Say, I feel the child's spiri

Percolating in my veins.

Looking pretty buff, too.

[ Sighs, sniffs ]

You know, losing that kid back

There has made me sympathize

With that horny old lady who

Lost seven.

You kids, stay put.

Those sick b*stards.

Those sickos who stole your baby

Left a ransom note, but your

Friendly neighborhood wandering

Spirt master is on the case.

They told me you weren'

Real.

They said you were a nightmare.

Xavier: not real, huh?

Is this a nightmare?

Where's your husband -- the

So-called "father"?

He died during childbirth.

Xavier: he would have wanted

You to move on.

He craved your movement.

Now try to remember where you

Were when you first decided to

Be a terrible parent and le

Your poor babies out of your

Sight.

The park.

Xavier: this is from him.

I sense it.

[ Sniffs ]

Ugh.

The sick b*stard smells like my

a*s.

[ Sniffs ]

Ugh. Smells exactly like my a*s.

Luckily, my lakota yogi taugh

Me the proud ways of the injun

Tracker.

When you are tracking mighty

Buffalo, you must become

Buffalo.

Xavier: [ grunts ]

[ Groans ]

Xavier: become the kidnapper.

Be the criminal.

Bingo.

The mind-scrawl of a madman.

My god.

He knows who I am.

Knows my every fantasy.

But I am hot on your trail,

Sicko.

You can feel my hot breath on

Your neck.

[ Breathing ]

Xavier: this is no longer a

Clue.

It's a game.

You may have just gotten

Checkmate, but we're playing

Chinese checkers, and as my old

Friend confucius say, "the

Hunter has become the hunter-ed.

The chaser has become the

Choste.

Dame fortuna has had her

Franking privileges revoked.

It seems the portrait has

Painted the artist, sketching

The reverser, who has become the

Reversed.

But this time, the suffixed will

Become the sufferer, and I

Appears the baby k*ller is abou

To k*ll a baby.

[ Vomits ]

Which reminds me.

I got to go feed my babies.

Yoo-hoo!

Daddy's home.

Who's hungry?

[ Mumbles ]

"I never thought you'd ask,"

Snake hand says, wolfing down a

Baby.

Xavier: snake hand, you

Promised!

"Look, someone left you a

'World's greatest dad' trophy,"

Snake tricks.

Xavier: wow. Really?

Snake hand, get those babies ou

Right now!

Give me back my sons!

Aha! Got it.

Ew!

"Goes down easier boneless,"

Thinks the snake.

Xavier: oh! My son.

And my other son!

I'm over it.

I feel like a million love

Units.

Whoo!

What do they put in those

Things?

I'm filled with a youthful

Spunk.

Gallons of it.

Snake says, "I just wanted to

Give you energy to help sniff

Out those poor missing babies."

Xavier: sniff out, eh?

[ Dogs sniffing ]

I brought bloodhounds.

We're gonna track down the

'Napper.

We just got to let them get the

Scent of your remaining baby.

Get the scent, boys.

This is what you're going for.

Got the scent?

[ Dog growls ]

Aah!

Xavier: now go get 'em, boys.

[ Gasping ]

Ma'am, someone stole our

Bloodhounds, but we got the

Backup bloodhounds to chase the

First-string bloodhounds.

Their scent took us here.

They were just here.

They ate my baby!

I knew we shouldn't have lef

You alone.

You're twisted, and you have the

Gall to blame it on police dogs?

Those dogs were decorated.

Look at this place.

What have you ever decorated?

Hey, sarge, we got the scent.

The backup bloodhounds have

Found the trail of the original

First-tier bloodhounds.

Xavier: my god.

The dogs are going right into my

Hidden lair.

That means the baby-napper mus

Be in there now.

I've got him cornered.

And it looks like this time, the

Coroner has become the

Cornholer.

I got you now.

[ Echoing ] got you now.

He doesn't have me.

I got him trapped.

Listen. You're trapped.

[ Echoing ] you're trapped.

[ Babies crying ]

Police!

Who's in there?

Is it a baby k*ller?

Xavier: ooh, frittata.

The cops are gonna think tha

These are the missing babies --

That I'm a kidnapper.

It's the perfect frame-up -- the

Perfect crime.

The snake offers to get rid

Of the evidence.

Xavier: damn it.

You're right.

I can't send an innocent man to

Jail, even if it is me.

Do what you got to do.

I don't want to look.

No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

My babi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-e-e-es!

You weirdo.

We don't cotton to that behavior

Around these parts.

There goes that snake again.

[ Gasping ]

It's beautiful, sarge.

You found me -- the

Ever-child.

Bask in the bliss energy of my

Glorious love beam.

Don't you see?

The missing child you each seek

To reconnect with is still

Inside you all, but you buried

It.

You, paul, when you were 6 and

You k*lled that spider monkey

With that claw hammer, you

Really just squashed your hear

With that hammer, and that's why

You became a dirty pig cop.

He's right!

[ g*nsh*t ]

And you, you'll have children

Again.

You just need to get some

Face work.

Maybe get your butt did.

He's so honest.

And you, that time you made

Out with your mom and su--

Book 'em, boys.

You're going away for a long

Time, bliss baby!

I forgive you.

You can put me to death, but you

Can't put me to life, for we are

All

Brothers ♪

Brothers, brothers, brothers,

Brothers ♪

Brothers -- what? ♪

Just hit the switch, rodney.

You weren't supposed to say

My name!

I'm wearing the hood!

You promised! [ Sobs ]

I got to do everything around

Here.

[ Gasping ]

Xavier: unh.

Thank fate that big glowing

Galoot won't be bothering us no

More.

I think we all now realize tha

Our society needs to stop its

Selfish search for missing

Children and start searching for

The child within -- the only

Child that matters.

I guess I'll be moseying on.

Sorry, babe.

I'm a rambler.

I'll put some babies in your

Butt someday.

Close your mouth, dear.

You catch more flies with honey

Than with bad breath.

[ Sniffs ]

And then I was gone.