01x06 - World of Hurt, BC

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: weak from drifting on

The longest mosey ever rambled.

Weeks with no meal or beverage.

Blistering desert pounding me to

The crosine-tipped brink of

Insanity.

Yet perhaps there is truth in

Sand madness.

[ Raspily ] sand madness.

[ Birds screech ]

Feed me.

[ Speaking native language ]

[ Raspily ] sand madness.

You hath rambled well.

Thus I shall answer questions

Three.

Xavier: who am i?

I cannot tell you that, sire.

Xavier: where did I come

From?

I cannot tell you that.

Cor blimey.

You hath one question left.

Xavier: why are you

Pretending to be british?

I have always admired the

British.

You are out of questions.

But your quest has just begun.

Xavier: who are you?

[ Camel grunts ]

I guess it's true what they say

About a camel's a*s.

I am hungry.

Computer. Computer, come in.

Y-y-yes, xav-v-vier.

Xavier: computer, I need

Sustenance to eat.

T-t-turn -- turn to your

Left.

Let me get, uh, two packs of

Cigarettes before I go.

I got to warn you -- they say

Every cigarette takes 17 minutes

Off your life.

Well, hey, if I keep smokin'

'Em fast enough, I'll ge

Younger.

sh**t.

You're a bad little boy.

Besides, they say every slice

Of bacon takes nine minutes off

Your life.

I just chowed me down a year's

Worth.

sh**t.

You're a naughty boy.

I'd like to put you over my knee

And spank you some.

Xavier: you keep your hands

Off him.

His bottom is his personal,

Private place.

How long you been standing

There, you freak?

What are you, a chinaman?

Xavier: I wish I knew myself.

We don't cotton to strange

Chinamen with no sense of self

Who stand secretly by for

Indeterminate amounts of time.

Gonna put you in a world of

Hurt.

Take that!

Taste the pain!

Take that!

Taste the pain!

Take -- take -- take --

Whoo, boy!

See that basket of fries over

There?

Well, looks like this week

Xavier's got hisself a basket of

Pain.

Stop the talkin'!

Whoo, boy!

Look!

There's been a significan

Discovery at an archeological

Dig.

Here to announce that we have

Discovered the oldest cave

Drawing known to man.

The figure is a rather ugly

Creature, possibly a chinaman of

Some sort.

Xavier: is this finally the

Clue to my mysterious origins?

Yes.

We're going to look closer, to

Look deeper for hidden meaning.

Xavier: gentlemen, I've go

To take this, gentle men.

Looks like you and me is all

Alone.

Now who's being naughty?

Xavier: frittata.

Barricade!

Easy.

Easy.

Easy

E.

Computer! Analysis.

My computer is down.

All I can tell you is analyzing

The brushstrokes on it, i-i-it's

46,939 Years and 82 days old.

Xavier: I'm going to have

To

[ Thinking ] go back in

Time

And find who did this

Painting

And

What

It

Means.

But how?!

Every cigarette takes 17

Minutes off your life.

Every slice of bacon takes

Nine minutes off your life.

Every cigarette takes 17

Minutes off your life.

Every slice of bacon takes

Nine minutes off your life.

Xavier: can you dumb it down

A notch?

If you smoke and eat bacon

Fast enough, you can go back in

Time.

Ooh.

You are a bad, bad boy.

Xavier: sayonara, presen

Day.

Ooh! Ooga-booga!

Nimgok look good.

Xavier: you leave that bicep

Alone.

That's your personal, private

Place.

Ooga-booga.

How long you stand there, freak?

You some kind of ooga-booga

Chinaman?

Me put you in world of hurt.

Take that.

Ooga-booga.

Taste pain.

Whoo, boy!

Order up!

Ol' xavier's got another baske

Of pain fries on his plate.

And the emotional ketchup is a

Blubbering whale of tears.

Xavier: I'm not crying.

I've got something in my eye.

Just tears.

[ Woman sobbing ]

Why are you crying?

Why you crying?

Xavier: what's that bruise on

Your face?

Ooga-booga.

What bruise on your face?

Xavier: I just fell down the

Cave stairs.

Ooga-booga.

Me fell down cave stairs.

Xavier: I may stink like

c*ck

[ Rooster crows ]

But I'm no spring chicken.

Is it a husband? Boyfriend?

Gal pal?

What's the matter?

p*ssy got your tongue?

[ Cat meows ]

Maybe.

My husband, he only does 'cause

He love me.

Xavier: no.

That's the stupidest thing I

Ever heard.

Maybe he does it because you're

Stupid.

Maybe.

Xavier: well, if that's love,

Then I'd like to make some love

To his mouth.

Maybe.

Don't get him angry.

Xavier: from now on, I'm your

Guardian.

I'll be standing right behind

You.

And if he wants to get to me,

He's gonna have to punch his way

Through you first.

Maybe.

He do not mean to do it.

Xavier: looks like he's done

Over $1,200 worth of damage.

Far as I know, you were pretty

Before all this started.

Maybe.

Your quest is nearly

Complete.

The answer of your origin is

Nigh!

[ Raspily ] sand madness.

But can madness hold the

Truth?

Come.

Enter into the world of her.

Xavier: what is this place?

This land is the physical

Manifestation of brute,

Inarticulate rage.

Xavier: yeah. No doy.

That is the peak of

Disappointment.

And those are the nerve worms.

They're consuming the carcass of

Your contentment.

You did this to me.

This is the beach of

Unbearable facts.

Your body stink like egg.

And this is the forest of

Daddy's fist.

Xavier: ow! Daddy!

No, daddy.

You wanted to know from

Whence you came.

If you dare, gaze into the lake

Of torturous truth.

This is your mother the nigh

You were conceived.

Hey, everybody!

Let's get wasted tonight and

Party!

Who wants more cherry wine?

Xavier: no. You're lying.

This is a lie!

Let me out of here!

Yoo-hoo! Let me out of here!

Ouch.

Ooga-booga.

Me think me hear wife in me cave

With nother man.

You get out nimgok wife.

Xavier: go on.

I no longer fear your pain

Fries.

Whoo, boy.

Xavier: for in pain, I've

Found the truth.

And even though pain hurts, you

Need to confront pain if you

Want to transcend the crushing

Pain of your inner pain.

Nimgok want escape crushing

Inner pain.

Ooga-booga.

Xavier: well, look inside

Yourself.

Why do you hurt people?

'Cause nimgok strong.

Ooga-booga! Nimgok tough!

Xavier: but why do you feel

The need to be tough?

'Cause if me let me guard

Down, ooga-booga, I guess me

Vulnerable to get hurt meself.

Xavier: go on.

Ooga-booga.

Maybe nimgok fight because when

Nimgok punch someone,

Ooga-booga, nimgok get to touch

Someone.

Me only hit you 'cause nimgok

Love you.

Xavier: now, that's the

Smartest thing I ever heard.

If you're so tough, take up this

Feather and write what you feel.

That's right.

Keep going.

Threetwoone!

Now, what do you have?

Me used to use violence,

Ooga-booga, as me protective

Shell.

Ooga-booga.

But now me stow me fists for

Flight of life, ooga-booga, and

Let me heart scream and yell.

[ Down-tempo jazz playing ]

Me let me spirit soar.

Me let me soul glide and shine.

Xavier: you just got in touch

With someone very special.

Who? Who?!

Me k*ll him!

Xavier: yourself.

Boo-ya.

You done so much for nimgok.

You give nimgok psychospiritual

Breakthrough.

What can nimgok do for you?

Xavier: I'm looking for a

Painting on the cave walls.

Have you seen it?

It looks like this.

Yeah. You just make painting.

Xavier: ooga-booga.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Xavier, my datas show tha

Y-y-you did the drawing

Yourself.

Xavier: you figured tha

Out -- right after numb-nutted

Neander-ba*ls.

Now get me back home.

The bacon is still in your

System!

If you get it out, y-y-you migh

Be able to go back.

Xavier: [ gags ]

He's a witch!

[ Clears throat ]

Get him.

Xavier: I'd better get the

Hell out of here!

[ Gags ]

I just spent american money

On a nagel print.

Patrick nagel just died.

Xavier: [ gags ]

[ Speaking native language ]

Xavier: oh, no.

It looks like I went a little

Too far.

[ Slurping ]

Perhaps there is truth in sand

Madness.

[ Raspily ] sand madness.

[ Birds screech ]

Feed me.

Xavier: I'm not going to make

That mistake again.

Will you feed me?

[ Static ]

Look closer.

Look closer.

Bye!